Chapter 41

Dedicating this chapter to Pam! Thank you sa earrings and necklace! Nagamit ko siya sa Boracay trip namin. Labyu! 

***

From: Unknown Number

This is Psyche. I hope you get everything you need to start. I tried to open the cabinet on my own, but I don't know what any of the papers say. Ayokong i-send kay Leon dahil hindi naman iyon related sa kaso na gusto niyang buksan. Also, kahapon lang ako nagkaroon ng chance na makuha ang susi ni Percy. I had every single one of them replicated. Use them to help yourself.

Hindi ako lumabas ng apartment buong Sabado at Linggo. I tried to call the families of the patients whose names were on the envelope, but none of them answered. Ang iba, unattended pa.

Pinagtagpi-tagpi ko rin ang mga shredded documents na nakuha ko. It was dizzying to do, but I did it anyway. Alam kong matagal bago ko pa matapos iyon kaya sinasabayan ko ng pagbabasa ang pagdidikit. I had pictures of the documents printed, and most of them were useless. Puro tungkol sa research na halos makikita rin naman online.

The only thing I was curious about was the profiles of the patients and why Mr. Mendoza had copies of them. As far as I know, confidential ang mga ganoong information. Kahit pa sabihing magka-partner ang firm at ang mental hospital, the latter lacked the legal right to disclose the patients' personal data.

It was a big warning sign for me.

Paulit-ulit kong binasa ang research tungkol sa schizophrenia, PTSD, at iba pang disorders. Sa ilalim ng methodologies ng bawat pag-aaral ay nakatala ang mga numero na hindi ko malaman kung saan nanggaling. I just knew that it was a code . . . for something.

Pabalik-balik ang isip ko kay Psyche at sa abusong natanggap niya. I wondered if it was true, but based on the rage I saw in her eyes . . . I knew it was. Hindi niya rin naman ako para tulungan nang ganito kung wala siyang galit kina Mr. Mendoza at Valeen. Even the way she called their names was full of hatred.

At some point, I knew a part of me believed in her.

From: Psyche

Tell me if there's anything you want me to do. The company will celebrate its 35th anniversary in about three months. I hope we're finished by then.

To: Psyche

How about the CCTV? Did he ask for it?

From: Psyche

I said I'd take care of it. Hindi naman siya pumalag.

I bit my lower lip. Percy really put his faith in her. Gaano kaya kasakit kapag nalaman niyang niloloko siya nito?

To: Psyche

I'm trusting you, Psyche.

From: Psyche

I'll give you the right to kill me if I betray you. Hindi ako pagkakatiwalaan ni Leon kung sinungaling ako. Siya ang unang nakaalam na nakapasok ako sa firm. I promised him I'd collect evidence, but so far, all I've given him was Percy's schedule.

Isang basa ko lang sa pangalan ng lalaki ay parang may tanikalang sumakal sa dibdib ko.

To: Psyche

Stop mentioning him every time you have the chance to.

From: Psyche

You don't have to worry about a thing. Hindi ko naman aagawin sa 'yo.

Kinagat ko ang pang-ibabang labi sa inis.

To: Psyche

I said, stop mentioning him.

From: Psyche

Leon is in love with you, Amari. Why are you so bitter?

To: Psyche

Hindi tayo close para alamin mo ang parteng 'yan ng buhay ko, Psyche. Don't ask irrelevant questions.

From: Psyche

You don't realize how lucky you are to be loved like that. No'ng minahal ko si Leon, ikaw ang mahal niya. Ngayon namang mahal ko si Juancho, may mahal din siyang iba. Hahaha. The world hates pretty girls, I guess.

Kumunot ang noo ko sa nabasang pamilyar na pangalan.

To: Psyche

Juancho?

From: Psyche

My ex-fiance. 'Yong inayawan ko dati.

To: Psyche

You are so complicated.

From: Psyche

I know.

From: Psyche

And oh, I received an earful from Leon when I called him late at night before. He said you were mad and he wanted me to apologize to you because you wouldn't listen to him.

From: Psyche

It's late, but I'm sorry for everything, Amari. I hope you don't hate me too much.

Ang kasunduan namin ni Psyche ay isang bagay na hindi ko inaasahan. I wanted to work alone because I didn't want to mess up my plans, but I knew that everything would be sorted out easily if I had someone who could roam around the firm without much trouble. Kung kikilos ako nang mag-isa ay baka taon ang abutin bago ko malaman kung ano ang mga kabalbalang ginagawa ni Percy.

"You should've put the bug in the conference room or lab. Mas may makukuha ka roon. Wala namang nangyayari sa opisina ni Percy. Aside from the documents . . . wala nang importanteng nandoon," ani Psyche sa akin nang ipakuha ko sa kanya ang recorder halos anim na araw matapos kong ilagay iyon sa opisina.

It was a smooth deal. I thought I was going to get caught like in the movies, but with a mole on the inside, everything went without a hitch.

"Sa laboratory talaga dapat . . ." saad ko. "Pero wala naman kasing ibang nakakapunta roon bukod sa head cleaner."

She nodded. "Kahit ako, hindi puwede roon. Scientists lang talaga. 'Yon na lang ang parte ng firm ang hindi ko napupuntahan."

We were currently in her pad, talking about what we would do next. Hindi kami puwedeng makita nang magkasama lalo at wala namang nakakaalam ng koneksyon namin. Mahirap na. Baka mahalata kami.

Percy trusted her. Malaking bagay iyon. Ni hindi na nga personal na ichineck ng lalaki ang CCTV noong nasa opisina niya ako. Hindi tuloy niya nalaman na walang record noon.

"I can plant the bug in the conference room," suhestyon ni Psyche. "Ang alam ko ay magkaka-meeting ulit sila this month."

I nodded. "Ilagay mo sa sigurado kang walang makakapansin."

"I could actually record the meeting with my phone. Nasa loob naman ako during the meeting, so . . ." She shrugged. "Nag-mi-minutes ako."

Nagsalubong ang kilay ko. "Nasa meeting ka at wala kang naiintindihan?"

Sumimangot siya. "Don't use that tone on me! Masyadong scientific ang terms nila. They're even using codes! Hindi ko talaga maiintindihan!"

I rolled my eyes in frustration. "Ganito, ilagay mo pa rin ang bug sa conference room. Siguro naman ay may mga pumapasok doon kahit na walang meeting. We can eavesdrop."

Tumango siya. "Tapos kukunin ko after two days, right?"

"Oo."

Nagpatuloy kami sa pagpaplano. She was sincere and a bit . . . innocent. Bagay na hindi ko inasahan sa kanya. She smiled with her eyes. Kapag nag-iisip ay nagsasalubong ang mga kilay niya at nagkakanda-haba-haba ang nguso.

"Paano mo nalamang involved ang firm sa illegal drugs?" I asked after a while.

Tinutulungan niya akong magdikit ng shredded documents at nakikita kong may talento siya roon. Mabilis niyang napagtagpi-tagpi ang mga iyon. In just an hour, she completed around 15 papers.

"I overheard . . . sa phone call," sagot niya. "Pinapagalitan ni Percy ang isa sa mga anak niya na humihingi na naman ng cocaine. He said he didn't have 500 grams on hand yet because his son had just asked about 700 two days ago. Mga ganoon. Hindi ko na tanda . . . pero 'yon ang narinig ko."

I cursed under my breath. That was a lot.

"Makakuha lang tayo ng ebidensya na gumagamit din si Percy, puwede tayong mag-request ng search operation."

"Do you think he doesn't have any informants working for the prosecution?" Umiling ako. "We have a terrible legal system here, Psyche. We can't trust anyone because justice is for sale."

Huminga ako nang malalim.

"Isa pa, hindi lang ebidensya ang kailangan natin," I continued. "Biktima."

Kumunot ang noo niya. "What do you mean?"

"Nathaniel and Nash were victims . . . voluntary victims," I replied. "Mahina ang laban nila dahil ginusto rin nilang gumamit ng droga. They were influenced, yes, but they shared the same guilt from the offenders because they made a pact with them. Nagbenta pa sila."

"So . . . we need more victims?"

"Sana wala. As much as I wanted this to be done, I was kind of hoping this wouldn't end up too badly. More victims mean more injustices." I shook my head. "Pero may parte sa akin ang naniniwalang hindi lang ang kambal ang nakuha nilang impluwensyahan. The fact that the police are turning a blind eye to Leon's appeal . . . this has obviously been going on for a while."

Buong araw kaming magkasama ni Psyche sa pad niya. I didn't ask her more about the abuse because it was a sensitive topic for her. Naka-shorts lang siya, at hindi ko maiwasang malungkot tuwing nadadapuan ng tingin ko ang mga peklat sa itaas na bahagi ng hita niya. They were ancient, but I was sure they weren't from an accident but rather from years of abuse and maltreatment.

Umaarte siyang ayos lang ang lahat sa kanya. She even talked to Valeen on the phone like she was an obedient daughter. Hindi ko tuloy maisip kung paano niya nagagawang sikmurain ang pakisamahan ito.

"Bukas na lang ulit. I'm tired," pagpapaalam ko sa kanya bago kinuha ang mga gamit ko.

"Uuwi ka na?"

I shook my head. "Baka sa library muna ako. I want to read."

Her expression soured. "Ayaw mong mag-sleep na lang? If you're tired, you need rest . . . hindi information."

"Reading is my kind of relaxation, Psyche. Make it your habit, too. Baka maintindihan mo ang meeting ni Percy."

She glared at me, but I was too worn out to argue. Mabilis kong nilisan ang lugar para dumiretso na sa library. Mabuti na lang at iniwan ko sa pad niya ang mga na-retrieve naming documents. Kung hindi ay kailangan ko pang bitbitin ang mga 'yon papunta rito.

Percy and Valeen were hiding something. Sigurado ako roon. Hindi ko alam kung bakit may ganoon akong naiisip, pero sa ugaling mayroon sila . . . parang lahat ng bagay ay kaya nilang gawin. They abandoned me, their own daughter, for the sake of keeping their reputations clean. Kung sila ang isa sa biggest drug dealers sa bansa . . . it would make the headlines.

Imagine . . . a research firm operating as a ruse for drug trafficking. That would be huge.

I took a deep breath when I reached the library. Doon lang naalis ang dalawa sa isip ko nang makita ang estante ng mga libro.

I walked over it like a child in a candy store and grabbed half a dozen books. Three were about psychology, one was about unspoken controversies, and the other two were novels. Mabilis akong magbasa pero alam kong hindi ko matatapos lahat iyon. Hihiramin ko na lang siguro 'yong hindi ko mababasa.

I didn't bother looking around the library or at everyone who was there. I sat down and began reading right away, giving in to the desire for the written word and the magic of literature.

I felt rested. Hindi talaga nagbago ang parteng iyon sa akin. I will always and forever be a lover of learning. I was a student at heart . . . simula noon.

And I knew that my past relationship with Leon fueled that fire within me even more. Na kahit na wala na siya sa buhay ko, naiwan naman sa akin ang isang bagay na nagkonekta sa amin — ang kagustuhang matuto.

Matapos ang pagkikita namin sa Benguet at ang paghatid niya sa akin sa apartment ay pinilit kong huwag nang makibalita pa sa kanya.

Sometimes, I would see him in Thaddeus' Facebook and Instagram stories. Sometimes, in Shaira's. Hindi ako nagtatanong sa kanila. Kahit nang imbitahan nila ako para sa isang hapunan ay tumanggi ako. I knew Leon would be there.

Hindi ko alam kung ano ang iniiwasan ko. Si Leon ba . . . o ang posibilidad na may iba na siya.

Gusto kong ang huling alaala niya sa akin ay ang mga panahong ako pa ang mahal niya. I didn't want to go on living knowing that he had loved someone other than me. I was his first and greatest love. I wanted to take that with me.

I couldn't help but chuckle. Tangina talaga. Kapag wala akong ginagawa, siya pa rin ang laman ng utak ko. Miski sa pagbabasa, siya ang naiisip ko.

"Sir, nandito lang pala kayo! Hinanap po namin kayo sa office. Magpapapirma po kami ng clearance. Kayo na lang po ang kulang nam—"

"Shh!"

Nag-angat ako ng tingin sa apat na bagong dating na estudyante. They had a funny look on their faces after being scolded by the librarian. Dahan-dahan pa silang naglakad papasok sa loob ng library, takot na gumawa ng kahit na anong ingay.

With a small smile on my lips, I looked at the teacher they were talking about, and I knew that my fate was trying to play cupid again when I saw the man who had been on my mind just a little while ago.

Wala akong nakuhang emosyon sa mukha niya nang magtama ang tingin namin samantalang ako ay halos mapanganga na sa gulat. My heart was racing, and if not for the aircon, I knew my forehead would be filled with sweat. I mean . . . he was just two tables away from me! Magkaharap kami . . . at higit isang oras na ako rito!

"Sir, pasensya na po," saad ng isang babae.

I gulped when Leon's eyes remained fixed on me. Hindi namin naging estudyante ang apat sa review kaya hindi ko sila agad nakilala.

"Alam po naming busy na kayo sa pag-aasikaso ng master's n'yo, pero kailangan po naming makatapos," dagdag pa ng isa.

I lowered my gaze as my heart started to hurt again. There go the familiar needles again. Nagtatampo na naman dahil walang balita sa lalaki.

"I signed everything already. Bakit ngayon lang kayo nagpapapirma?" I heard Leon ask.

He sounded strict and scary. I would've run away if I were his student.

"Sorry po, sir."

"It's past my working hours," he continued. "Sinabi kong last week ang due date ng pagpapapirma sa 'kin, 'di ba?"

"Working students po kami, sir. Naging busy po kami sa pagse-settle ng balance namin sa accounting. Hindi na po namin naisip ang pagpapirma sa mga prof. Pasensya na po."

There was a bit of silence before he spoke again.

"Na-settle n'yo ba?"

"Opo, sir. Kanina lang po."

I heard him sigh. "Give me your clearance. Pipirmahan ko na."

Pasimple akong sumulyap sa kanila at napangiti ako nang makita ang tuwa sa mukha ng mga estudyante. Leon signed their forms, and when he was done, I returned my attention to the book.

"Sir?"

"Sige na. Mag-dinner na kayo."

"Hindi na po kailangan . . ." mahinang saad ng isa. "May pera pa naman po kami."

"Sige na . . ." Leon said in a dismissive tone.

Warmth surrounded my heart when I realized what was going on. The students thanked him non-stop before leaving the place.

Isang oras pa akong nanatili sa library. This time, my focus was not directed at the book.

Gayunpaman, natapos ang araw na hindi kami mag-usap ni Leon. Ni hindi ko nga siya nahuhuling nakatingin sa akin. He was just studying and reading, not minding my presence. Siguro ay kanina niya pa rin ako nakita. Wala lang talaga siyang dahilan para lapitan ako.

Akala ko ay isang beses lang mangyayari iyon, kaya ganoon na lang ang gulat ko nang makita ulit siya roon noong sumunod na Sabado . . . at noong sumunod ulit na Sabado.

Same time. Same seat. Same nostalgic feeling.

His eyes were the first thing I always saw when I walked into the library. Paano ay nakatingin agad siya sa entrance . . . na para bang may inaabangan siyang pumasok. I would like to assume he was waiting for me if I didn't know he was tired of me.

Naupo ako sa dating upuan at pinilit ang sarili na huwag magpaabala sa presensya niya. Hindi ko alam kung dapat bang maghanap na ako ng ibang library . . . o kung baguhin ko ang oras ng pagpunta. Baka kasi ayaw niyang nandito ako.

Kung mayroon nga lang ibang library na bukas 24/7 ay hindi ako mag-aatubiling lumipat. Hindi rin kasi ako makapag-focus kapag nandito siya.

Gaya ng una at pangalawang beses ay hindi naman kami nag-usap. Not that I was expecting it. Mabuti nga 'yon. Hindi ko rin naman kasi kayang humarap sa kanya nang walang nararamdamang hiya. I cried in front of him the last time we talked. Dapat ay hindi na lang ulit ako nagpakita.

Pasulyap-sulyap lang ako sa kanya tuwing mapapagod ako sa binabasa. Seeing him that close was enough to make my week. Pakiramdam ko ay siya ang regalo sa akin ng langit. Every time he was near . . . it always felt like I had finally won a victory over my inner demons. Parang ayos lang na mapagod ako buong linggo kung siya naman ang makikita ko sa dulo.

"Nandito ka ulit sa Sabado?" tanong ng librarian nang pumunta ako sa desk niya para mag-fill out ng form.

Nagbuntong-hininga ako bago umiling. Gusto ko sana, dahil siguradong nandito si Leon . . . but seeing him three times in a row was enough for me. Gaya ng sabi ko noon, ayokong pati sa presensya ko ay mapagod siya.

"Magbabago po ako ng schedule of visit," sagot ko. "Kahit weekdays. Monday or Tuesday siguro. Bago ako pumasok sa trabaho . . ."

Nahihiya ako kay Leon. As much as possible, I wanted the world to be big enough so that our paths would never cross again. Hindi para sa akin . . . kung hindi para sa kanya. Kasi kung ako lang ang papipiliin, gusto kong laging nakikita siya. Kung puwede nga lang ay hihilingin kong makasama ulit siya . . . kahit sa isang hapunan lang. Kumustahan. Tawanan. Kuwentuhan.

But that was too demanding to ask for. Kailangan kong makuntento sa kung ano ang ibinibigay ng tadhana sa amin.

A few days went by quickly. Araw-araw, pagkagaling sa graveyard shift ay tatlong oras lang akong nagpapahinga. Matapos iyon ay magsisimula na ulit ako sa pag-aaral ng mga study ng firm. Malaking tulong sa akin si Psyche dahil siya ang laging nagbabalita sa akin kung ano ang nangyayari sa loob.

From: Psyche

Nailagay ko na ang bug. They're currently talking about another batch of drops, probably about the medicine or something, and severe schizophrenia. I don't understand a thing, but I'm recording everything using my spare phone.

To: Psyche

'Wag kang mag-text. Baka may makahalata sa 'yo. I'll be at your pad later. Parinig ako.

Hindi naman na siya nag-reply. The shredded papers had already been glued, and the more I learned about the experiments, the more doubtful I became.

From what I knew, drug development was a time-consuming, complex, and costly process. Kaya hindi ko maiwasang magtaka kung gaano ba kagaling si Percy at nagagawa niyang i-conclude agad-agad na good for consumption o hindi ang isang gamot.

There wasn't enough information about the preclinical and animal trials for effective medicines . . . hindi ko alam kung sa akin lang. Parang may kulang. Parang masyadong minadali. There was also a lot of redundancy in the data, and I couldn't help but wonder if some of the approaches used in the trials had just been paraphrased. Para kasing kinokopya lang ang methods sa mga naunang experiments . . . o baka ganoon lang talaga ang technique ng firm?

Hindi ko alam. Baka masyado lang akong nag-iisip. I wanted to find something dirty so badly that I was already using confirmation bias. Naniniwala akong may masama silang ginagawa kaya ang tinatanggap ko lang na impormasyon ay ang magkukumpirma sa paniniwala ko.

And if I wanted to aim for something, I shouldn't be like that.

"We carried out a focused mass spectrometry examination of sphingolipids in the cortex and corpus callosum of brain samples collected from people who had schizophrenia . . ."

"See? First line, and I don't understand a thing," reklamo ni Psyche nang pakinggan namin ang record ng meeting.

"Shh . . ." suway ko.

"And?"

It was Percy's voice.

"It is possible that patients with schizophrenia have overexpression of genes that code for S1P-degrading enzymes, which results in lower quantities of S1P in the corpus callosum. Increased gene expression for S1P receptors provided evidence for the existence of a hypothetical therapeutic option in response to the decreased S1P levels."

I sighed. Isang beses ko pang pinlay ang part na 'yon para intindihin pero walang pumasok sa utak ko.

"Cut to the final findings."

It was Percy . . . again.

Muling sumagot ang scientist pero dahil hindi ko makuha ang sinasabi niya ay pinili kong huwag na lang iyong pagtuunan ng pansin. His words were too complex and technical. Kakailanganin kong basahin ang buong study kung gusto kong maintindihan ang experiment.

"How many drops did you use?"

"180."

"Success rate?"

"37%."

"Stupido."

I heard a noise. Parang may itinapon si Percy sa lalaking nagsasalita.

"Yup. Nagkagulo kanina sa meeting. Nagalit ang magaling mong tatay."

"Bakit?"

Psyche shrugged. "Hindi ko alam. Basta hindi siya natuwa sa success rate."

"Don't bother reporting to me. Research that barely scrapes 50% is unacceptable to me!"

Marami pang mga ingay sa record pero hindi na iyon importante. Bigo kong ibinalik kay Psyche ang cellphone dahil wala akong nakuhang puwedeng i-relate sa mga pag-aaral. Tuloy ay may maliit na parte sa akin ang naniniwalang malinis ang ginagawa nila. Well, if it weren't for the illegal drugs . . .

Nagpatuloy ako sa pagpapanggap bilang cleaner sa firm. Hindi pa rin ako inilalagay sa matataas na floors kaya wala akong napapala. Bukod sa mga shredded documents ay wala na akong ibang naiuuwi.

I felt exhausted from everything. Pamilyar ang sakit ng katawan at pagkirot ng sintido ko. Hindi ko rin naman kasi hinahayaan ang sarili na makapagpahinga. Mahirap na. Baka dumiretso sa lagnat kapag pinansin ko. I was just being keen in taking my vitamins.

"Hindi ako makakauwi mamaya," saad ni Mill. "May lakad ako."

Tumango ako. "Enjoy."

She pursed her lips. "Kumusta 'yong . . . sa tatay mo?"

Umiling lang ako dahil wala namang mahalagang nangyari . . . at para matapos na rin ang usapan. Mukha namang naintindihan niya ako dahil hindi na siya nagtanong ulit.

Nang makaalis siya, imbes na magpahinga sa apartment ay pumunta ako sa library para makahiram ng mga bagong libro. Napapagod na ang katawan ko sa mga ginagawa, pero wala sa hinagap ko ang pagsuko. I just knew I needed more books because it was my only hobby. Kapag naubusan ako ng binabasa ay tuluyan akong mawala sa wisyo.

I sighed as I took a good look at myself. I had paper cuts on my hands and dark circles under my eyes. Kung makikita lang ako ng mga kaklase ko noong college ay iisipin nilang walang nagbago sa akin — mukha pa rin akong walang pahinga.

I silently thanked the heavens when I didn't see Leon sitting on his spot. Hindi ko kasi alam kung kaya kong pigilan ang sarili kapag nakita ko siya.

Baka magsumbong ako . . . magreklamo. Gustong-gusto ko pa namang makita ang pag-aalala sa mukha niya.

When I took a seat, my back immediately began to tense up. Namanhid ang paa ko at parang bawat parte ng katawan ko ay kumikirot sa sakit.

I heaved a sigh. Ngayon ko naramdaman ang sobrang pagod. Sa paglilinis at walang tigil na paghahanap ng dumi ng firm.

Kaya minsan, hindi ko rin talaga gusto ang pagkakaroon ng maraming oras. Having free time meant I could check on myself, and checking on myself meant I needed to listen to my body and rest.

Hindi siguro maiintindihan ng iba, pero hindi ko kayang magpahinga kapag alam kong marami pa akong dapat gawin . . . kapag alam kong hindi ko pa naibibigay ang lahat ko. For me, resting felt like a sin when you had to do something.

From: Psyche

I think I saw something. Will keep you posted.

Sumubsob ako sa mesa at inignora muna ang mensahe niya para matulog saglit. Mabuti nga at wala masyadong tao. Tahimik ang buong library kaya may pagkakataon akong magpahinga. I knew this wasn't the place for that, but I had to go to work in six hours, and going back to the apartment now might make me want to stay home instead.

Hinang-hina ako nang magising. It was already dark outside, and aside from the librarian, I was the only person left inside. Walang laman ang tiyan ko pero hindi ako nakakaramdam ng gutom. Sigurado akong magkakasakit ako bukas kung hindi ako magpapahinga ngayon.

But then, may ilang oras naman ako para magpahinga bukas. Hindi ako puwedeng um-absent na lang ngayon. Baka may importanteng mangyari sa firm. I couldn't afford to take a break.

"Fuck," mahinang bulaslas ko nang mapaupo ako ulit. I couldn't stand on my knees!

Huminga ako nang malalim at itinuon ang kamay ko sa mesa. I stood up slowly, supporting myself with the table. Tagumpay naman akong nakatayo dahil doon.

Dahan-dahan akong naglakad papunta sa desk ng librarian para ilista ang mga librong hihiramin ko. I could feel my vision being hazy from the nausea I was feeling, but I shrugged it off. Uupo na lang ulit ako mamaya at magpapatay ng oras. I've been through this hell a lot of times. Madali na lang 'to.

But then, before I could even get to the desk, my knees gave out on me again, forcing me to collapse to the floor. Isang malalim na hininga pa at tuluyang nagdilim ang paningin ko.

My entire body was aching when I came back to consciousness. Hindi agad ako nagmulat ng mata. Pinakiramdaman ko muna ang sarili. I was lying down on a mattress with a comforter around me and a folded cold towel on my forehead. It was soothing the heat in my body . . . bringing me to the realization that I was supposed to be at the library.

Dahan-dahan kong minulat ang mata at halos mawalan ulit ako ng malay nang mapagtanto kung nasaan ako.

I had only been here once since the renovations, but I was sure as hell this was Leon's treehouse!

Kahit masakit ang ulo ay pinilit kong sumandal sa headboard ng kama. I took a deep breath and tried to calm down because I thought I might be seeing things.

I mean . . . I was at the library! I was . . . reading, borrowing books! This must be a dream or a hallucination! Imposibleng mapadpad ako rito! Maybe I was so dizzy that I made up what I wanted to happen!

Pumikit ako at sinabunutan ang sarili. The comforter that had been covering my body earlier rolled down to my thighs. Kahit ang towel na nasa noo ko ay tuluyang nalaglag.

Goodness . . . even the surroundings smelled like him! Kung panaginip man 'to, masyado naman 'tong detailed!

I heard footsteps that sounded like someone was climbing up to the attic to get to the bed where I was resting.

Hindi ko alam kung bakit kinabahan ako. Unti-unti akong nagmulat ulit ng mata at nakumpirma kong hindi ako nananaginip nang tuluyang makita si Leon bitbit ang isang tray. He was wearing a plain black sando and gray sweatpants as he placed the tray on the bedside table. Walang mababasang kahit anong emosyon sa mukha niya kahit pa nakita niyang gising na ako.

I cleared my throat nervously. "A-Ano'ng ginagawa ko rito?"

Parang sasabog ang puso ko sa kaba. Ramdam kong mainit ang buong katawan ko dahil sa lagnat pero hindi ko magawang bumalik sa paghiga lalo at nasa gilid ko lang siya.

"You passed out," he replied, his brow furrowed. "Sa library."

Napakurap ako. "Wala ka naman do'n . . ."

Umupo siya sa kama at kinuha ang tuwalyang nakapatong sa hita ko. Para akong naestatwa. He folded it properly before putting it to the table. Magkasalubong pa ang mga kilay niya habang ginagawa iyon. Tuloy ay hindi ko maiwasang makaramdam ng hiya. Ang laking abala ko na naman.

"Sorry," bulong ko. "Hinayaan mo na lang dapat ako ro'n. Kaya ko naman."

Lalong lumalim ang kunot sa noo niya. Hinarap niya ako at walang salitang ipinatong ang kamay niya sa noo ko.

"Mainit ka pa. Magpahinga ka muna," he said in a monotone.

Kung hindi lang maganda ang sinabi niya ay iisipin kong galit siya.

Umiling lang ako. I couldn't stay here any longer.

Magsasalita na sana ako nang muling kumirot ang sintido ko. I creased my forehead in the hopes that it would help the pain subside a little.

Tumikhim ako. "U-Uuwi na lang ako, Leon. Maayos naman na ang pakiramdam ko."

"Mainit ka pa, Amari," agad na saad niya.

I chuckled gently. "H-Hindi! Okay lang. Mawawala rin 'yan agad. Hindi pa pati ako nakakapagsabi sa head na wala ako ngayon sa trabaho. Kailangan ko silang i-contact."

Agad na dumaan ang galit sa mga mata niya. "You fainted . . . hindi mo ba naiintindihan?"

Umawang ang labi ko. "N-Naiintindiha—"

"I was observing you at the library for an hour, and you couldn't even stand on your feet . . ." he muttered, cutting me off. "Tapos sasabihin mong okay ka lang? You were pale then, and you are still pale now. Alam na alam mong kailangan mong magpahinga kapag hindi na kaya ng katawan mo, Amari. Bakit ba inaabuso mo ang sarili mo?"

I just watched him as he scolded me. Punong-puno ng pag-aalala ang mukha niya. His voice was soft, but the way he said those words showed that he was, somehow . . . in charge . . . of me.

"Simula college, gan'yan ka na. Trabaho ka pa rin nang trabaho kahit na alam mong hindi mo na kaya. Eh, sa sobrang hilo mo kanina, hindi mo 'ko nakita . . ." dagdag niya pa, mas malumanay at malambing na. "And now you'll laugh like seeing you pass out didn't almost kill me."

Tahimik lang ako habang pinakikinggan ang mabibigat na paghinga niya.

Yumuko ako at pinaglaruan ang mga kamay ko. It was nearly midnight, but instead of resting, here he was, taking care of me. Kaya siya napapagod, eh. Kahit hindi naman kailangan, ginagawa niya. Hindi niya naman ako responsibilidad. Hindi rin ako para magalit kung sakali mang iwan niya lang ako roon . . . o kung paupuin niya lang ako sa isa sa mga silya sa library.

"Ayoko lang makaabala, Leon . . ." nanghihinang saad ko.

Silence engulfed us. Alam kong marami pa akong kailangang gawin. Psyche said she saw something, and I needed to know what it was. I also had to tell the head cleaner that I was sick so she wouldn't be confused as to why I wasn't at work today. Dumagdag pa 'tong si Leon . . . todo iwas nga akong mag-krus ang landas namin tapos lumalapit pa siya.

"Saka na tayo mag-usap kapag maayos na ang pakiramdam mo."

Nag-angat ako ng tingin sa kanya at agad na nagsalubong ang mga mata namin.

At that moment, I felt like I was looking at the same Leon who used to hold me close to his heart . . . the Leon who loved me. Mapungay ang mga mata niya at nakaawang ang labi habang pinagmamasdan ako. He seemed intoxicated . . . pleading and longing for something.

Inalalayan niya ako pahiga, ang mga mata ay tutok pa rin sa akin. He fixed my hair so gently and covered my body with his comforter as if he couldn't stand seeing me cold. Nilagay niya rin ang bagong hugas na tuwalya sa noo ko bago itinuon ang kamay niya sa gilid ng ulo ko.

He looked at me for a long time, as if he were trying to remember every part of my face. Naninikip ang dibdib ko sa saya at sakit. Saya dahil pakiramdam ko ay mahal niya pa ako. Sakit dahil hindi ako sigurado.

Tired and sick, I closed my eyes and just felt the world's another gift to me. Sulitin ko na 'to ulit. Baka hindi na ulit mangyari. Baka ito ang daan ng tadhana para regaluhan ako dahil masyado akong napagod sa mga nagdaang araw.

But then, before I fell unconscious, I heard him say something that left me confused.

"Live well and be happy?" he whispered. "I'm sorry, but there's only one way I can do that, Amari . . ."