Chapter 39

In the following days, I continued digging deeper into Mr. Mendoza's research firm. Ganoon din sa pag-aaral ng mga makabagong medical technology at psychological discoveries. It was the best strategy to get his attention and approval. He wanted my knowledge? Then he could use it for all I care.

Hindi nawala sa isip ko ang sinasabi ni Psyche pero ayokong magtiwala agad sa kanya. Good thing I didn't act on impulse. Baka mamaya ay sinusubukan niya lang ang loyalty ko sa matanda. 

But then, I couldn't brush off the possibility that she was indeed working with Leon. Wala naman kasing ibang dahilan para mag-usap pa sila. Not unless Leon liked her . . . which I doubt.

Ako lang ang mahal ni Leon, well, at least, for now.

"Sorry, medyo nagtagal 'yong process ng transcripts mo," I told Nathaniel. "Ilang araw din palang busy ang accounting at student affairs dahil nag-aasikaso na ng clearance ang mga estudyante."

"Ayos lang, ate. Hindi mo naman kasalanan 'yon. Ako na nga 'tong nagpapatulong." Tumawa siya. "Saka, medyo busy rin sa tindahan. Maraming nire-request ang mga suki namin na meryenda. Nag-aaral kami ni Nash gumawa ng mga kakanin. Eh, ayun . . . medyo mahirap pala."

It sparked something in me.

"Tulungan ko kayo?"

Napakurap ako nang agad na mapagtantong hindi na pala puwede 'yon. I had to be careful . . . and it was obvious that Leon didn't want to see me. Kailangan kong putulin ang kahit na anong ugnayan namin. Ayoko namang dumating sa puntong miski ang presensya ko ay kainisan niya na.

"I mean . . . meron namang recipe and procedures sa internet," bawi ko.

Ngumiti lang siya at yumuko. Nagbuntong-hininga ako bago pinasadahan ng tingin ang mga dumadaang estudyante sa harap namin.

We were sitting on a bench outside the registrar's office because we had just filed his application and were getting ready to enroll. Pagkatapos nito, kaya niya nang asikasuhin ang pagpapasa ng requirements nang mag-isa. May mga to-follow pa rin kasing minor documents.

"Ate . . ." tawag niya.

"Hmm?"

Huminga siya nang malalim, para bang mayroong malaking tinik sa dibdib niya. Hindi siya nagsalita agad kaya binalingan ko siya.

"Ano 'yon?" tanong ko. "May problema ba?"

Tumingin siya sa akin at bahagyang pinagsalubong ang mga kilay.

"Wala na ba talaga kayo ni . . . Kuya?"

Umawang ang labi ko sa tanong niya. I bowed my head and looked down at my hands, hoping he wouldn't see my reaction.

"Bakit ba lagi mo na lang bini-bring up si Leon?" I joked. "Sabing nagmo-move on, eh." Tumawa pa ako.

Narinig ko ang pagbuntong-hininga niya.

"Sayang kasi. Pinag-uusapan namin ni Nash . . ." he said softly. "Ikaw sana ang gusto naming mapangasawa ni Kuya."

My heart clenched with pain and a bit of happiness. Pain because it was almost impossible and happiness because I was considered.

"No'ng umuwi si Kuya rito, tinanong ka namin sa kanya. Tapos sabi niya lang, wala na kayo . . . at 'wag na namin kayong problemahin," aniya pa. "Hindi ka na niya ulit nabanggit. Kahit no'ng nakalaya kami. Alam ko lang na mahal ka pa niya no'ng nakita ko 'yong picture n'yo sa treehouse."

Nag-angat ako ng tingin sa kanya at marahang ngumiti.

"Nakita ko rin 'yon . . ." saad ko. "Ewan ko ba sa kapatid mo. Ang dami ko nang nasabi at nagawang hindi maganda sa kanya pero minahal niya pa rin ako." I lifted my hand and pat his head gently, imitating the way Leon used to calm me. "He loved me in the same manner he loved you. He overlooked my shortcomings and mistakes . . . kaya maging mabait kayo sa kanya. 'Wag n'yo na akong gayahin, okay?"

He bit his lower lip and nodded. Dahan-dahan kong ibinalik ang kamay sa hita ko bago muling humarap sa opisina ng registrar.

"Nathaniel, maniwala ka sa 'kin . . . hindi ako ang pinaka-deserving para kay Leon. Alam ko na 'yon noon pa. College pa lang kami."

Mapait akong ngumiti. I was always too broken for him. My sharp edges always ended up giving him wounds.

"Kung ako lang ang magdedesisyon, gusto kong siya rin ang mapangasawa ko. Gusto kong balikan 'yong dating kami . . . kahit walang pera, kahit wala pang nararating . . . at least, magkasama kami," pagpapatuloy ko. "Pero tuwing sinusubukan namin, laging mali. Laging may hadlang. Laging may nangyayari. Parang gumagawa talaga ng dahilan ang tadhana para ipaalala sa amin na hindi kami puwede."

I wasn't sure how long I would love Leon or if there would come a day when I could move on. Sa ngayon kasi, ayoko pa. I wanted to nurture my love for him because I had denied it to myself for years.

Or maybe, I really did unlearn how to love him — I just relearned it.

"Pasensya na, ate. Lagi ko na lang ipinipilit kayo ni Kuya," sabi ni Nathaniel. "Narinig ko lang kasi siya kagabi kaya hindi na nawala sa isip ko."

I pursed my lips. "Ano'ng narinig mo?"

He exhaled. "Sinabi niya kay Kuya Thaddeus na magsisimula na raw siyang mag-meet ng ibang babae . . ."

My fingers slowly pulled on my hand, squeezing my clothes together. I forced a smile on my face and tried my best not to get hurt.

"T-Talaga?" I gulped the lump in my throat. "May sinabi kung . . . sino?"

Naninikip ang dibdib ko. I felt so dead these days that I thought nothing could hurt me anymore. Akala ko, immune na ako . . . pero iba nga pala ako kapag si Leon na.

"Wala, pero na-realize ko lang na tapos na talaga," he said that made my heart bleed even more. "Kaya, ate . . . salamat, ha? Kasi ipinaranas mo kay Kuya kung paano magmahal at paano mahalin. Sabi mo, ito na 'yong huling beses na puwede tayong magkita. Kahit mabilis lang, salamat kasi naalala ko si Nanay sa 'yo. Maasikaso rin kasi 'yon, eh . . . Kung buhay siya, hindi kita aabalahin."

Naramdaman ko ang paglingon niya sa akin.

"Mag-aaral ako nang mabuti, ate. At sana dumating 'yong araw na totoong masaya ka na."

That was the last thing he told me. Sinubukan kong umaktong hindi nasaktan sa sinabi niya . . . pero alam ko sa loob ko na may malaking parte sa akin ang tuluyang gumuho na.

In the end, I cried myself to sleep, scared of the possibility that Leon would come to love someone deeper and stronger than he loved me. He was ready to start a new life without me . . . and I couldn't lie to myself that it was okay . . . but I knew it should be.

"Ito 'yong mga gagamitin mo," saad sa akin ng head cleaner. "Dito ka naka-assign sa first floor. Linisin mong mabuti ang cubicles, 'yong lobby, at saka 'yong pantry. Kapag may kailangan ka, nasa fourth floor lang ako."

Tumango lang ako. "Salamat po."

Unang araw ko sa Mendoza Research Institute ay itinutok ko ang atensyon sa pagtatrabaho. 'Yong sama ng loob at bigat ng dibdib ay itinuon ko na lang sa orihinal na plano. I didn't call Psyche even though she gave me her number because I didn't want to mess things up. Hindi ako puwedeng magtiwala na lang sa kanya. I couldn't find a reason to do so.

I put my hair in a messy bun before I started cleaning. Inuna ko ang lobby. Carpeted ang buong sahig kaya medyo nahirapan ako. Mas mabilis kasing linisin ito kung may vacuum cleaner.

The head cleaner showed me around the building earlier. Kahit hindi naman na kailangan iyon dahil saulo ko ang buong floor plan. I acted dumb and submissive. Marami kami, at napansin kong kadalasan sa mga naglilinis ay matatanda na . . . mga senior citizen. It bothered me a little because the company could have given them a different schedule. Hindi 'yong ganitong hatinggabi na.

Wala pa akong gagawin ngayon. The first floor was mostly the reception area and the employees' workspaces. Wala rito ang gusto kong malaman. I had to be at the lab or at least a few floors up.

The entire building was quiet. Nakakabingi. Bukod sa mga security guard at cleaner ay wala namang nagtatrabaho nang ganitong oras dito. Dahil matatanda rin ang mga kasama ko, hindi ko magawang makipag-usap . . . o magtanong-tanong. They seemed closed off and aloof.

I looked around the whole lobby and saw a magazine lurking under the center table. Mayroong mga CCTV sa paligid kaya hindi rin ako basta-bastang kumilos na lang. I needed to act like I was really cleaning.

Dahan-dahan akong lumapit sa center table at pinunasan ang salamin noon. After that, I wiped its feet and quietly lifted the magazine.

Halos mapairap ako nang makita ang mukha ng tatay ko roon. I got up and went to the magazine rack to put it back. Napansin kong maraming series iyon kaya lalo akong napasimangot.

Many print publications, including interview magazines, had focused on him, but these articles were hard to come by on the internet.

Sa tagal kong nag-research, hindi ko naman alam na nausuhan pala ng mga ganitong bagay ang matandang 'yon. I just learned everything about him through the headlines, his firm's breakthroughs, and his accomplishments. Bukod pa roon ay ang ilang taon niyang pagpapanggap na may pakialam siya sa akin kahit na ang totoo naman ay gusto niya lang akong gamitin. Pero itong interview sa isang magazine? Never heard of.

I opened the magazine to the page containing his interview and read a couple of his statements.

"The mission of the Mendoza Research Institute is to find treatments for diseases once considered incurable and to implement interventions that improve the quality of life for those who suffer from them. We accomplished a lot just by risking a drop in the ocean."

"Kaplastikan . . ." bulong ko sa sarili.

It was funny because if I only knew him through the media, I could've been a fan, a supporter. Kung hindi ko alam kung gaano kasama ang ugali niya, baka isa ako sa libo-libong humahanga sa kanya. He really did look like a genius who cared about the well-being of others.

It shook my faith in the majority of media personalities. They projected their best, most phony selves to the world, regardless of the rotten reality hidden beneath them.

"The company was confidential as it held some information that hadn't been exposed to the public yet, so if we were to hire people, we would make sure that they kept their lips sealed and only did what they were ordered to do. So far, so good. We'd been in the industry for decades and there hadn't been problems about that."

Alam kong walang kwenta ang magazine na 'to. It would be filled with Mr. Mendoza's gibberish and made-up remarks, but I needed it for research purposes anyway. Ayoko ring may palampasin.

"Ano 'yan?"

Halos mapaigtad ako nang marinig iyon. I looked behind me and saw a woman staring at me. Based on the polo shirt she was wearing, I could say she was a cleaner as well. Kunot ang noo niya at halos nanlilisik ang mga mata sa akin.

I forced a smile. "Ipinapatas ko lang po 'tong magazines. May mga pakalat-kalat po kasi sa couch . . ."

She looked at me from head to toe, and even though my heart was bursting at the seams, I kept a smile on my face.

"Akala ko magbabasa ka pa, eh. Tumulong ka ro'n sa banyo mamaya para mabilis tayong matapos."

Lumunok ako bago dahan-dahang tumango. "Opo."

Nang umalis siya ay napabuga ako ng hangin. I shouldn't look too nervous. Baka mahalata ako. Although, mukhang wala namang pakialam ang mga cleaner sa akin. I just needed to get my work done.

I returned the magazines to their racks, but I couldn't help but feel disappointed at the realization that Mr. Mendoza was a successful jerk. Kayang-kaya niya akong buhayin. He could even find a family to adopt me . . . but he didn't. Instead, he abandoned me to an orphanage. Ni hindi man lang ako nagawang silipin at kumustahin.

Dahil sanay sa linisan ay hindi ako masyadong nahirapan. The restrooms smelled bad, but I'd been to so many places that smelled worse that it didn't bother me anymore. Ilang oras din akong naglinis. It was exhausting, but it was nothing compared to my commitment to get to the bottom of this.

"Uhm . . . excuse me po," saad ko sa head cleaner nang bumisita siya sa floor namin para tingnan ang progress namin.

I couldn't waste any time. Hindi ako puwedeng umuwi ngayong gabi na walang bitbit na kahit ano.

"Ano 'yon?" striktang tanong niya.

I pursed my lips and bowed my head a little, acting like a shy puppy.

"May mga nakita po akong magazine sa lobby," mahinang saad ko. "Limited edition po ba 'yon? Hindi ko po kasi nababasa 'yon sa internet."

"Alin do'n? 'Yong interview ni Dr. Mendoza?"

Tumango ako.

"Hindi limited edition 'yon. Printed publication lang talaga at hindi released online kaya gano'n. Bilang na stores lang din ang may copy no'n. Kadalasan, bookstores sa norte. Doon kasi naganap 'yong interview," sagot niya. "Bakit mo tinatanong?"

I looked at her and smiled a little. Goodness, I could get an Oscar for this acting.

"Mahilig po kasi ako sa mga scientific discoveries. Nagbabasa po ako tungkol sa company . . . pero hindi ko po nakita 'yong magazine kaya nagtaka lang ako," sagot ko.

She nodded. "Sige na. Bumalik ka na sa trabaho. Kung gusto mong mabasa nang buo, edi, bumalik ka rito kapag hindi mo na working hours."

Nagpasalamat lang ako sa kanya bago nagpatuloy sa paglilinis. I wanted to read the magazine, but I couldn't be caught reading it here. Nasabi naman niyang may mga stores na nagbebenta noon. Pagkatapos ng shift ko ay hahagilapin ko iyon sa mga posibleng stores.

Mabuti na lang din at available ako mula umaga hanggang hapon. I could just sleep for two to three hours. Sanay naman ako sa ganoon.

I had no desire to look at those magazines because I knew they were full of nonsense. Kailangan ko lang talaga ng kopya.

Kaya naman buong linggo, matapos ang shift, ay natutulog lang ako ng ilang oras. After that, I spent some time commuting to a few locations in the north. I went to every bookstore that could be found on the internet and browsed over their shelves to locate at least one shop that stocked those magazines.

"Aanhin mo ba 'yan?" tanong sa akin ni Mill nang pakisuyuan ko siya.

"Basta. Kapag may nakita ka lang."

She chuckled. "Mukha ba akong pumapasok sa bookstore?"

I rolled my eyes at her. "Kapag nga, eh!"

When Saturday came and I didn't have any work until Monday, I decided to go further.

Sa paglilinis buong linggo ay wala akong napalang kahit ano. Still, I brought in some shredded bond papers that I needed to put back together so I could read what was written on them. Mula iyon sa cubicles ng mga employee. I knew it could be a waste of time, but I couldn't risk missing out.

"Ang dami mong kalat. Hindi ko alam kung bahay pa ba natin 'to o bodega mo na," saad ni Mill.

Hindi ko siya pinansin. I put everything I needed in my bag and packed it up so I could start my trip to the north.

Hindi ko inaasahan na mahihirapan ako sa paghahanap ng magazine na 'yon. Kahit kasi online ay wala talagang nagbebenta. Of course, who would be interested in an interview with a science techie? Kadalasan sa mga hilig ng mga tao ngayon ay trends at social media affairs. No one really cares about science anymore. Kung mayroon man, hindi pa rin 'yon sapat para maging patok.

"Sa Sunday night na ang balik ko or Monday morning," sabi ko sa kaibigan.

She squinted. "Nakakatakot ka na. You seem obsess."

I heaved a sigh. "Basta . . . just tell me if you find anything like that, okay? Hindi ko rin alam kung anong mahihita ko d'yan. I just need to do something."

Hindi ko na hinintay na makasagot pa siya. I took my bags out of my apartment and called a cab to take me to the bus terminal. Nakita ko pang abalang-abala ang kambal sa pagtitinda roon. I didn't bother them because I had nothing important to say. Pinanood ko lang sila hanggang sa tuluyang makaalis ang bus na sinasakyan ko.

While I was on the road, I applied patches to the joints around my wrists and wherever on my back that I could reach with my hands. Nagtapal din ako ng maliit na ganoon sa sintido ko bago nagsuot ng itim na cap para itago iyon.

The cleaning was getting to me. Hindi ko nakikita sa loob ng firm sina Mr. Mendoza at ang mga researcher. Sometimes, people worked the graveyard shift, but they were just regular employees.

At this rate, hindi ko alam kung ano pang magagawa ko. I was just waiting for something that I didn't know about. Kaya ito, para akong tangang naghahabol sa magazines . . . o kahit anong source.

From: Nathaniel

Nakita kita kanina, ate. Ingat ka.

From: Nathaniel

Sorry, nag-text ako. Hahaha. Hindi ka kasi lumapit sa amin. Napadalhan ka sana namin ng meryenda.

I smiled as I typed a reply to him.

To: Nathaniel

Thank you. Busy rin kasi kayo. Hindi naman tamang mang-abala pa ako. Galingan n'yo, ha? Fighting.

Pasalampak akong sumandal sa upuan ko at pinanood ang binabagtas na pamilyar na daan. Going to all these different places, especially bookstores, couldn't help but remind me of someone who had the same interests. Magugustuhan niya rin 'yon. Baka sabay pa kaming magbasa. Baka nga may voucher siya na puwede ko pang gamitin.

I wonder if he had already found someone to date. Nasabi niyang handa na siyang makakilala ng ibang tao. He deserved that. He loved me ever since we were 18. First year college. Isang dekada na rin.

He had put himself in a prison, with me working as the barrels and his love serving as the lock. Now that he was ready to break out and be free, then I guess we were really over.

I pursed my lips as tears started to hurt my eyes.

Kumusta na kaya siya? Kagaya ko . . . iniisip niya rin kaya ako ngayon? Galit pa rin kaya siya sa 'kin? Nagsisisi kaya siya na ako pa ang minahal niya?

He said I could destroy him, that with one blow, I could break him apart. 'Yon pa lang . . . sobrang nakakahiya na. He was there for me while I was healing, but now he was scared of me . . . scared because I hadn't given him enough assurance that I'd stay.

Hindi ko masisi nang buo ang sarili ko. I knew I tried . . . I just failed. We were both victims, and pointing fingers at who was to blame was useless. Tapos na, at ang tanging magagawa ko na lang para sa kanya ay ang tulungan siyang mabigyan ng hustisya ang pagkakakulong ng mga kapatid niya.

Although they earned their punishment, nobody in jail should be harmed in any way. The sight of his siblings' bruises may have pushed him to wonder how and why the real drug smugglers were living with such ease and freedom.

Sana naitanong ko. Sana nakapag-usap pa kami. Sana hindi ako pinangunahan ng selos.

Ilang oras din ang itinagal ko sa byahe. Hindi na ako nag-aksaya ng oras at inisa-isa ko na ang mga bookstores na puwedeng puntahan. I asked about the magazine with each retailer, and a few of them said they had stopped stocking it because customers weren't buying it. May mga itinuro silang bookstores pero noong puntahan ko naman ay wala rin.

"Last one," I whispered to myself as I panted.

Nakatingin ako ngayon sa isang bookstore na halos tagong-tago na. It wasn't on any maps or websites, but the locals suggested I give it a shot. Umakyat pa ako ng halos limang daang hagdan para lang makarating dito.

I walked into the store and was surprised by how cozy it was inside. May coffee shop sa gitna habang ang mga shelves ay nakapaligid dito. There was also an attic that you could go up to and a nook where you could read. The entire facility had an interesting balance of modern and vintage decorations, from the sleek coffee bar and furniture to the antique bookcases and wooden floors.

"Good morning," I said as I walked up to the counter. "Do you sell scientific discovery magazines of Mr. Mendoza?"

Nag-angat ng tingin ang babae sa akin. "'Yong maraming volume po?"

"Yeah."

She gave it some thought for a while. "I-check ko po sa inventory. Upo po muna kayo."

Napahinga ako nang malalim. "Uhm . . . pa-order na rin ng iced americano."

"Okay, ma'am. Serve ko na lang po."

I thanked her before I settled myself at a table. Manghang-mangha ako sa ganda ng paligid, at kung normal na araw ay kaya kong magtagal dito ng ilang oras. I would have come here on the weekends if it wasn't so far from home.

Coffee shop sa loob ng library. That was smart. I wonder if they had book suggestions as well. That would easily make the store perfect.

Dahil pagabi na ay wala na ring tao bukod sa akin. After looking around tomorrow, I'd go through those bookcases and give in to my personal urges. Wala na akong pakialam kung wala akong makuhang magazine o ano. This search took me all week, and I wasn't able to get much done because of it.

While sipping my coffee, my interest was drawn to a sign in the psychology section of the bookshelves. Iniwan ko ang kape sa mesa at tumayo para maglakad papunta roon. My heart was racing with anticipation as I neared it, but my excitement quickly subsided when I recognized a man leaning against a shelf, his head bowed over what he was reading.

"Leon?" I said under my breath.

Nagwala ang dibdib ko nang nag-angat siya ng tingin sa akin. His brow furrowed a little, but his expression smoothed as soon as he stood up straight and moved the bridge of his glasses.

"What are you doing here?" he asked in his usual low, deep voice.

I felt a pang of yearning hit the shore of my heart. Pinigilan kong ngumiti dahil wala namang kangiti-ngiti sa sitwasyon namin . . . pero parang mayroong sariling utak ang dalawang sulok ng labi ko dahil hindi ko sila napigilan.

I missed him. I missed him so much that just seeing him could make me smile this much.

Gusto kong umiyak at magsumbong sa kanya na masakit ang katawan ko at napapagod na akong matulog gabi-gabi habang iniisip na napagod ko siya. Na kung may malaki akong pagsisisi, 'yon ay ang hindi ko naiparamdam sa kanya kung gaano ko siya kamahal. I wanted to cry because I missed him so much, but I knew I had no right to do so.

"M-May . . ." I pointed at the back. "Ano . . . binibili lang."

He was staring at me intently, but there was no emotion on his face.

I chuckled awkwardly. "Ikaw? Uhm . . . ano'ng ginagawa mo rito?"

Isinarado niya ang librong hawak. His chest heaved as he took his eyes off of me.

"Benguet," tipid na saad niya.

For a second, I was confused, but then I realized that this was the bookstore he had told me about before. The one he discovered.

"Ah, right!" natataranta kong sabi. "Okay . . . tama ka. Maganda nga at uhm . . . maraming choices."

If only I could laugh at myself right now, I would. Hinarap ko si Mr. Mendoza, si Psyche, at ang mga cleaner na parang wala akong binabalak. I put on my makeup and tried to look stressed out like a true damned actress.

Pero ngayong si Leon ang kaharap ko, ni hindi ko magawang magkunwaring hindi ako kinakabahan sa presensya niya.

"Ma'am, may copy pa po kami," the woman said as she walked up to me.

Napalingon ako sa kanya. The relief I should feel for finally finding the magazine was nowhere to be found.

"Okay, thank you. I'll buy . . ." I said as I gulped, "each volume."

My lips were trembling. Alam kong dapat ay bumalik na lang ako sa mesa ko kaysa ganitong mukha akong tanga sa harap ni Leon. But then, my feet were stoned to the floor, making it impossible for me to move.

Muli akong napalunok nang iwan kami ng babae.

Siguro . . . sa kaibuturan ng puso ko, alam kong mas gusto kong maramdaman ngayon na nasa iisang lugar kami ni Leon. That we were this close. That before he could find someone to replace me in his life, we breathed the same air from the same narrow space again.

"Excuse me," he said.

Sa gulat ay naramdaman ko ang pag-awang ng labi ko. "Huh?"

His jaw clenched. "Dadaan ako."

Dumaan ang panghihinayang sa dibdib ko. "Aalis ka na?"

He breathed deeply as he nodded.

"S-Sabagay. Madilim na rin. Uuwi ka pa," dagdag ko pa.

Marahan akong tumawa, pilit na itinatago ang kaba.

"Ingat sa . . . ano . . . sa pagd-drive."

Hindi na siya sumagot kaya gumilid ako para makadaan siya. His familiar fragrance reached my nose, and a jolt of nostalgia shot right through me.

Hinabol ko siya ng tingin. Pinanood ko kung paanong kinuha niya ang isang basket na punong-puno ng mga libro at binayaran iyon sa counter.

All of a sudden, the magazines, psychology books, and Mr. Mendoza's plans didn't seem to matter.

I was just watching the greatest love of my life walk away from me, acting as if we had never lived under the same roof . . . as if he hadn't spent the nights cuddling me . . . as if I hadn't once become a part of his future.

Hindi na niya ulit ako tinapunan ng tingin hanggang sa makalabas siya ng store.

Out of reflex, I rushed to the door, watching his back move away from me. Nakasilip lang ako sa kanya habang bumababa siya ng hagdan. His strong arms, which I used to lean against when I slept, and his broad back, which I used to hug, were now too distant . . . too impossible for me to get ahold of again.

"Kilala n'yo po si Sir Leon?" tanong ng babae sa 'kin, ni hindi ko namalayang pinanonood niya na pala ako.

Mapait akong ngumiti bago dahan-dahang umiling. Naninikip ang dibdib kong bumalik sa mesa para kunin ang kape ko. Binayaran ko lang ang mga magazine at mabigat ang loob na lumabas ng store.

As I walked down the stairs, I realized that if Leon ever met someone, I wouldn't be able to talk to him in that manner again. Hindi lang dahil hindi na tama . . . kung hindi dahil na rin sa alam kong hindi ko kaya.

Kaya siguro, kapag may nabalitaan akong bagong kasintahan niya, lalayo na lang ako. O . . . kahit pagkatapos ng plano ko. Igaganti ko lang siya . . . kami. I would go back to Italy and try to convince myself to move forward in life the way he did.

I chuckled. I was just so pathetic. Years and I still couldn't handle my emotions well.

Nang tuluyang makababa ay agad na naagaw ng isang resto bar ang atensyon ko. May live band doon, tila ba nagkakasiyahan ang mga lokal habang kumakain at nagkakantahan. I could hear their laughter even from my distance.

Attracted by how busy it was, I walked toward it and decided to check it out. Pumasok ako sa loob at mabilis na dumalo sa akin ang isang server. She asked me in their dialect, but seeing how confused I was, she smiled and asked me in Tagalog instead.

"Pang-ilanan po?"

Napatango ako. "Isa . . ."

She motioned me to a wooden table and chair. "Okay po, ma'am. Dito po tayo."

It happened pretty quickly. Nang makaupo ay inilapag niya sa mesa ko ang menu at sinabihan akong tawagin na lang siya kapag may order na. There were a lot of dishes I hadn't heard of before, but the basic descriptions written beside them made them sound delicious.

After I placed my order, I just looked around and heard people laughing and talking in a dialect I couldn't understand.

Yellow and white lamps bathed the whole area, and the floor was basically just gravel and pebbles. Ang mga upuan at mesa ay gawa sa kahoy. Ganoon din ang maliit na stage kung saan nagpe-perform ang banda. It was just a beatbox, an acoustic guitar, and a microphone, but the music they made brought life to the entire vicinity.

"Ma'am, baka may request kayong kanta," saad ng server nang ilapag niya ang orders ko.

I chuckled and shook my head. "Wala . . . salamat."

I started chowing down on whatever was in front of me and smiled at the delightful combinations of flavors. Original recipe ito ng mga lokal. Mabuti na lang at dito ako kumain. For a while, I felt a little less lonely . . . siguro dahil maingay ang paligid at nakakahawa ang tawanan ng mga tao.

I was enjoying my meal when the guitarist played the intro of a familiar song. Napatigil ako sa pagkain para ibaling doon ang atensyon.

"Chill muna tayo," saad pa ng vocalist.

And if my fate wasn't already making fun of me, I saw Leon standing at the entrance, still looking like the guy I couldn't stop thinking about.

Agad ang pagragasa ng emosyon sa loob ko. Kaba . . . saya . . . sakit. Kaba dahil baka umalis siya kapag nakita niya ako, saya dahil napupunan ng presensya niya ang malaking panghihinayang sa dibdib ko, at sakit dahil alam kong hindi ko na siya puwedeng lapitan.

Hindi niya ako nakita agad, pero nang pumasok siya sa loob ay nalaglag ang tingin niya sa akin.

His lips parted almost instantly, and I was sure as hell that I was looking at him with so much love in my eyes. Hindi ko iyon nagawang itago. Hindi ko inasahan na mahahanap ako ng mga mata niya. I was mesmerized . . . I was longing.

"When I look into your eyes, it's like watching the night sky or a beautiful sunrise, well there's so much they hold . . ."

Gusto kong matawa dahil parang pinaglalaruan kami ng tadhana. The song fit the scene well, like the soundtrack to a viral video.

Kung hindi ko lang alam na pagod na siya sa akin, baka nakatayo na ako . . . baka natakbo ko na siya.

I would drag him to sit beside me so that I could stare at his eyes as long as I wanted to. Those eyes that I used to wake up to. Those eyes that once looked at me like they could see the universe in me.

Tama nga si Nathaniel — sayang nga kami.

Nakita ko ang paglapit sa kanya ng server. But unlike me, who couldn't understand their dialect, he answered her just fine. The server led him to a table that, thankfully, wasn't near me. I was just staring at him while he didn't seem to mind that I was there. Wala na ang gulat o pagtataka, hindi gaya ko na hindi magawang maalis ang tingin sa kanya.

"And just like them old stars, I see that you've come so far. To be right where you are. How old is your soul?" the vocalist sang. "Well, I won't give up on us even if the skies get rough. I'm giving you all my love. I'm still looking up . . ."

Ibinaba ko ang tingin sa pagkain.

Bullshit. People gave up . . . and it was okay.

If it was too draining, if it was too exhausting . . . it was okay.

Letting go was a part of our journey.

"And when you're needing your space, to do some navigating, I'll be here patiently waiting to see what you find."

I hummed along with the song, realizing that it used to be the same song that I held so close to my heart. Na noong nanlalamig siya sa akin, isang kanta lang ni Kat, napagtanto ko kung gaano ko siya kamahal . . . at ganoon din siya sa akin.

At some point in my life before, I thought that no matter how far apart we were, no matter how far we traveled, we would always find our way back to each other's arms . . . but now, I didn't think it was possible anymore.

Dahil 'yong pangako naming hindi pagsuko . . . nasira din. 'Yong pagod, hindi na namin kayang ipahinga. 'Yong mga sugat, naging peklat na.

I realized that maybe we couldn't wind up with the person our hearts desired. Baka masyado nang demanding para sa mundo kung paulit-ulit kong hihilingin si Leon. Baka kapag ipinilit ko na naman, lalo ko lang siyang masaktan.

"I don't wanna be someone who walks away so easily, I'm here to stay and make the difference that I can make . . . our differences they do a lot to teach us how to use, the tools and gifts we got, yeah, we got a lot at stake . . ."

Inilaban naman namin. Okay na siguro 'yon. Baka tama si Leon. Wala na kaming dapat pagsisisihan kasi sinubukan naman namin.

We fought until we bled. We fought until our shields became our bodies. We fought until one of us raised the white flag.

"Well, I won't give up on us. God knows I'm tough enough. We got a lot to learn. God knows we're worth it . . ."

I just finished the song before asking for a bill. Hindi na ako tumingin ulit kay Leon dahil nahihiya ako sa sarili ko . . . sa kanya. If I wanted him to completely give up on us, I shouldn't give him more reasons to hold on.

But then, as I gathered my belongings, I casted one last glance at him, and my heart skipped a beat when I saw him staring me like he had been watching me for a while.

I swallowed hard before averting his gaze. Walang nang kwenta ang pag-aasam ngayon. Lumabas na lang ako at hindi na muling pinagbigyan ang sarili na tingnan siya ulit.

Hindi ko alam kung saan ako pupunta. Although I was sure I should take a cab to the hotel where I was staying, a part of me wanted to stay.

Naglakad-lakad na lang muna ako. I needed some time to sort things out in my head . . . or maybe, I just wanted to feel the same breeze that was swirling against Leon.

Wala na, ayon na 'yon. Salamat na lang siguro sa regalo. Okay na 'ko. I was only looking for a magazine but I found more than just that. I think I can make it through another week or maybe even a few months.

Who would have thought that I would see him here? Na na-discover ko rin 'yong na-discover niyang bookstore. Kung maayos lang ang lahat, baka naiyabang ko na sa kanya na kaya ko rin ang ginawa niya. That he didn't have to take me here anymore because I could get here by myself.

"Amari . . . paano ka makakamove-on?" I asked myself as I walked. "Tangina mo naman kasi. Lahat na lang ng tao pinagod mo."

No'ng sina Jin at Mr. Mendoza ang nagsabing nakakapagod ako, may maliit na parte sa 'kin ang hindi naniwala . . . ang sinisi pa rin sila.

Pero no'ng gabing narinig ko 'yon kay Leon . . . pati 'yong maliit na parteng 'yon, sa kanya kumampi. It abandoned and convinced me that I was really, really tiring.

At ako 'yong totoong problema, hindi sila.

I was enjoying the fresh air when a red car pulled up next to me. Hindi ko na kailangang magtanong kung kanino iyon. I recognized it at first sight, putting my thoughts into a halt, making my heart start beating fast again . . . bringing it back to life after being dead for so long.

When the windows rolled down, I saw him inside right away.

Pakiramdam ko, nabura lahat ng nasa isip ko. At that time, all that matter to me was him and the way he was looking at me.

"Hop in," Leon ordered.

Gusto kong magtanong kung bakit. Gusto kong sabihin sa kanyang may hotel akong pupuntahan, at puwedeng umuna na siya para hindi siya lalong gabihin . . . pero alam kong walang-wala ang mga 'yon sa kagustuhan kong sundin at makasama siya.

And so, without a word, I opened the door and slid myself into his car. I was so happy that I wanted to cry. Hindi ko alam na puwede palang manikip ang dibdib mo sa labis na saya. Something in my chest felt like it was celebrating . . . like a puppy seeing its owner after a long day . . . like a warrior putting his armors down after announcing a victory.

"Seatbelt," he said.

Nahihipnotismo akong sumunod sa kanya. I fastened my seatbelt and leaned against the chair as quietly as I could.

Magkasalubong ang kilay niya kaya mayroong malalim na kunot sa noo niya. He looked handsome nonetheless. He looked so much like the Leon who used to frown whenever I did something he didn't like.

"Ang dilim-dilim na, naglalakad ka pa . . ."

Seven . . . just seven words . . . and my eyes began to well up with tears.

"Hindi mo naman kasama si Mill. Walang susundo sa 'yo," pagpapatuloy niya. "Hindi ka na nagtanda, eh. Alam na alam mo namang delikado na kapag gabi."

I looked out the window. Miss na miss ko na siya. Miss na miss ko nang pagsabihan niya nang ganito . . . na marinig siyang may pakialam pa rin sa 'kin.

We sank into a deep silence when he started driving. Suddenly, I couldn't remember any of the questions I had planned to ask him. Gusto ko lang damahin na magkasama ulit kami . . . na katabi niya lang ako.

Because maybe this wouldn't happen again, so I had to seize the moment while I could.

Matagal kaming tahimik. The hotel texted me that my reservation was nearing its schedule, but I decided to cancel it anyway, despite having already paid for it. Ewan ko. Mas gusto ko 'to. Kasama ko si Leon at nagmamaneho siya para ihatid ako. Nabili ko naman na ang dapat bilhin. Wala na ring dahilan para mag-stay pa ako rito.

I was afraid of making any noise. Baka may masabi akong hindi tama . . . baka may masabi akong makapagpagalit sa kanya.

"Hindi ka uminom ng tubig pagkatapos mong kumain," aniya matapos ang mahabang katahimikan. "Nauuhaw ka?"

I tried to smile, but a cry wanted to come out of my lips. Nagsusungit na naman siya. It was evident in his voice.

I glanced at him and nodded slowly. Mabilis siyang tumingin sa akin bago ibinalik ang tingin sa daan. Mas malalim na ang kunot ng noo niya kaya hindi ko maiwasang hindi magsaya.

He was worried, wasn't he? Hindi naman talaga ako nauuhaw. Gusto ko lang mag-alala siya . . . gusto kong makita ulit 'yon. Ewan ko ba. Ganoon na yata ako kadesperada.

Tumigil kami sa isang convenience store. He removed his seatbelt and took a sidelong glance at me.

"What else do you want?"

"W-Wala na." My lips quievered as I shook my head. "Sabihin mo na lang sa 'kin kung magkano."

He rolled his eyes and scoffed before getting off the car. Pinanood ko ang paggalaw niya sa loob ng convenience store at kung paanong natulala pa sa kanya ang cashier.

I heard the unfamiliar sound of my chuckle at that. I would have had the same reaction.

Bago siya sumakay ng kotse ay kinuha niya ang itim na panyo sa bulsa ng pantalon niya at ipinaikot iyon sa bote. Nang tuluyang makapasok sa loob ay binuksan niya pa iyon bago iniabot sa 'kin. He turned his body to me and stayed like that for a while.

"Bakit . . ." my voice was faint.

He didn't say a word. He just looked at the bottle I was holding as if he was waiting for me to drink.

My hands were shaking a little when I brought it to my lips. Pinapanood niya lang ako na para bang magagalit siya kapag hindi ko naubos 'yon.

"Okay na," bulong ko nang makakalahati.

Hindi niya inalis ang tingin sa akin kaya napakurap ako.

"Mamaya na lang ulit kapag . . . nauhaw."

There was a sudden look of approval in his face . . . although his brows were still furrowed. Umayos siya ng upo at nagsimula na ulit magmaneho.

Hindi na nasundan ang pag-uusap namin. We were silent the whole ride, and I kept praying and praying that the road would be longer so that I could spend more time with him. I prayed for heavy traffics, red stoplights, and gas refills. Basta hindi muna matapos.

But of course, nothing in this world was permanent. Nang matanaw ko ang apartment namin, kahit nasa loob pa ako ng sasakyan niya . . . nakaramdam na ako ng matinding dismaya. I wished I had the guts to invite him inside. I wished I had the courage to ask him to come see me again.

He parked his car outside the apartment . . . at hindi agad ako nakababa. Tahimik lang din naman siya, para bang pinakikiramdaman ako.

It was a long drive. Hindi ako natulog. Kahit hindi kami nag-uusap, gising na gising ang diwa ko. I looked at the clock of his car and saw that it was almost 2 in the morning. Uuwi pa siya sa bahay niya . . . magpapahinga.

"Thank you," I managed to say . . . or at least, whisper.

Hindi siya sumagot, nakatingin lang sa daan kung saan tumatama ang liwanag ng headlights niya. My heart was starting to swell, not with happiness this time. Alam ko kasing imposible nang mangyari ulit 'to . . . imposible nang maging ganito ulit kabait ang tadhana sa 'kin.

But right now, I didn't want to be selfish. Pinagbigyan na akong makasama ulit si Leon. I should be content with that.

Pinakatitigan ko siya. Alam kong ramdam niya 'yon. I memorized the frame of his glasses, the curl of his eyelash, the soft pointed tip of his nose, and the moist of his lips. I memorized everything there was to memorize about him. Every line, pore, and mole. Every vein, gesture, and curve.

Huli na 'to. Huling beses na maaamoy ko ang nasaulo ko nang natural na bango niya . . . huling beses na may laya pa akong pagmasdan siya.

"Leon . . ." I called his name like it was my first time saying it.

Napatingin siya sa akin. Unlike earlier, his expression was softer. Walang kunot ng noo, walang magkasalubong na kilay. It was just the gentleness in his eyes and the little part on his lips.

At that moment, I didn't know what had gotten into me. Parang binigyan ako ng tapang ng langit para dahan-dahang abutin siya . . . para ikulong ang isang kamay niya sa akin . . . para higpitan ang hawak doon dahil ang totoo, ayoko na siyang bitawan.

I held onto his hand tightly, almost squeezing it. My vision was blurry but I could see him, confused, sad, and longing.

"Thank you for everything . . ." I chuckled despite the unshed tears in my eyes. "You're also not only the highlight of my college . . . you're the best part of my life."

Tuluyang nalaglag ang luha ko pero hindi ko pinalis iyon. Nanginginig ang kamay kong nakahawak sa kanya. I didn't want to let him go. Hell, I didn't want to give up on him. I wanted another shot. I wanted another chance. I wanted to kneel before God and ask Him to make our paths cross again, to align our fates, to finish our story with us ending with one another.

"Live well and be happy . . ." I slowly let go of his hand. ". . . Zamora."

Sa kagustuhang humikbi ay tumalikod na ako sa kanya at tuluyang lumabas ng sasakyan. I ran to the apartment, locked myself in the bathroom, sat in the floor, and wept for the lost love we could have taken care of.