Chapter 35

The universe fell silent as if the heavens were opening to make way for the sound of his cries . . . the sight of his tears . . . and the weight of his sadness.

Nakayakap lang ako sa kanya, hinahagod ang likuran at hinahayaan siyang tumangis. Parang nawala ang tama ng alak sa sistema ko. At that moment, all that mattered to me was hearing his heart break and feeling the burn of his tears on my skin.

He must've been so sad. He must've cried a lot.

Mahal na mahal niya si Tita Leah. Hindi man maaabot ng hinagap ko ang lalim ng samahan nila, alam ko naman kung gaano katindi ang pag-ibig niya rito. She meant the world to him. He worked so hard to give her the kind of life he knew she deserved.

And knowing she was gone . . . I couldn't imagine how painful it was for him to watch the world go by without any other option but to let things happen.

Dahil ganoon ang buhay.

Hindi titigil sa pag-ikot ang mundo dahil lang umiiyak ka. Hindi matutuldukan ang mga responsibilidad mo dahil lang nalulungkot ka. Hindi hihinto ang oras sa pagtakbo dahil lang nagluluksa ka.

In the end, the only thing we could do was to accept that it had happened.

"You've endured a lot, Leon . . ." bulong ko. "I'm here now . . . you don't have to carry all that pain alone anymore."

Humigpit ang yakap niya sa akin, parang bang anumang oras ay mawawala ako. He was crying, almost stifling his sobs. Ang bigat-bigat siguro ng dibdib niya. To shed tears over a question . . . it must have been so heavy. Para bang hinihintay niya lang na may isang taong lumapit sa kanya para magtanong kung kumusta siya . . . kung kaya niya pa ba.

When Tita Leah died, he must have wished for someone to sit next to him. Iyong mapagkukwentuhan niya ng lahat ng pinagsamahan nila. Iyong maglalaan ng oras para makinig sa pag-iyak niya. Iyong sasamahan siya habang tinatanggap na wala na ang unang babaeng minahal niya.

Unti-unti ko siyang itinulak palayo sa akin. I put my hands on his cheeks and looked directly into his eyes, letting my deepest thoughts and feelings pour out. Kung makita man niya sa mga mata kong mahal ko pa siya, wala na akong pakialam.

All I wanted to do was wrap my arms around him and cradle him to my chest so that he could forget about the time we'd spent apart . . . so that he could find comfort in my embrace.

Pinalis ko ang mga luhang sa pisngi niya. Dahan-dahan at puno ng pag-iingat.

"Kailan pa?" mahinang tanong ko.

I watched his lips quiver. "T-Two months after we broke up."

Agad na nanubig ang mga mata ko. It was so heavy for him . . . I'm sure it was.

"Bakit hindi mo sinabi sa 'kin?" My voice was so soft because I was afraid of hurting him even more.

"G-Gusto ko." Muling nalaglag ang luha niya. "But you've been through enough because of me . . . I don't want to bother you anymore."

My thumb wiped away his lone tear. Wala akong masabi. Hindi ko mahanap ang mga tamang salita. If he'd told me about Tita Leah's death years ago, I could have gone home to be with him. Mahal ko siya . . . at noong mga panahong 'yon, alam kong isang tawag niya lang sa akin ay ibabagsak ko ang mga prinsipyo at pangarap ko para masamahan siya.

"Ang tagal kong hiniling na yakapin mo ulit ako . . ." he whispered. "Akala ko mamamatay akong pinapangarap lang 'yon."

He brought my hand to his lips, gently kissing it.

"You're drunk. Baka makalimutan mo na lahat 'to bukas . . . at kung maalala mo man, magsisisi ka rin."

Nanikip ang dibdib ko nang ipinikit niya ang mata at marahang dinampian ng halik ang kamay ko.

"Miss na miss na kita, Amari. Miss na miss ko na kayo ni Nanay."

What happened next was a blur. Tumitibok ang sintido ko nang magising ako at halos mapamura ako nang makitang ala una na ng hapon. Hindi ko alam kung gaano kahaba ang tulog ko o kung paano ako napadpad sa kama ko. Suot ko pa rin ang damit ko kahapon kaya pawis na pawis ako kahit pa nakatutok naman sa akin ang electric fan.

"Gising na ba ang prinsesa?" narinig kong tanong ni Mill.

I groaned in response.

Tumawa siya. "Inom pa."

Lumapit siya sa kama at naupo sa gilid ko. She looked at me with disgust and a hint of humor.

"Tumayo ka na d'yan. May ibinigay na pagkain ang ex mo kaninang umaga,"

I gulped as I sat on the bed, feeling the throbbing of my temples.

"Nag-away kayo?" tanong ni Mill.

Isinandal ko ang ulo sa headboard. "Paano mo naman nasabi 'yan?"

"Medyo mapula ang mata niya no'ng inihatid ka, eh. Sa maldita mong 'yan, hindi imposibleng ikaw ang nagpaiyak do'n."

I breathed deeply as memories of what happened last night came back to me.

Tanda ko lahat . . . at kahit na nahihiya ako sa mga ginawa at sinabi ko ay hindi naman iyon ang prayoridad ko. Maybe I'd go visit Tita Leah one of these days. I don't know if I still had that right, but she was so kind to me that her death was something I never thought about all these years.

Hindi ko alam na posibleng mangyari 'yon . . . hindi ko naisip. I can't even begin to imagine how difficult it must have been for Leon to deal with her death so soon after our breakup.

Naligo muna ako bago kumain. Pakiramdam ko ay marami akong kailangang gawin. I didn't know what that was, but I knew I had unfinished business with Leon. Hindi ako sigurado kung dapat ko bang buksan ulit ang usaping iyon. It was sensitive and too personal. Baka . . . wala naman akong karapatan.

But still, I just couldn't disregard the truth, right? Hindi ko puwedeng ipagkibit-balikat na lang ang narinig kay Leon. He needed comfort . . . and I wanted to at least give that to him. Kahit parang huli na.

To: Mr. Zamora

Hi. Are you free later?

Nagwawala ang dibdib ko habang naghihintay ng reply niya. Sigurado akong tapos na siya sa klase dahil hapon na rin.

Texting him first felt weird. Kahit na ginawa ko naman na ito noon . . . noong nagalit siya sa akin. I texted him nonstop because I made a mistake and I wanted to say sorry in person. But other than that, I couldn't remember texting him first. Kahit gaano ko siya kagusto o ka-miss, laging siya ang nauunang lumapit sa akin.

From: Mr. Zamora

Hikari?

May kung anong kumirot sa dibdib ko nang makitang ganoon ang reply niya. Maybe he thought I couldn't be the first to message him because I always put my pride first. Pakiramdam ko tuloy ay napakarami kong pagkukulang sa kanya.

To: Mr. Zamora

I'd like to borrow, rent, or buy the books you mentioned getting in Benguet. Puwede? Also, thanks for the food.

Pumikit ako nang mariin bago nag-send ng panibagong message.

To: Mr. Zamora

If we meet, I'll cook you whatever you want or buy you a meal, as a thank you for taking care of me last night.

Obviously, the books were just a reason to see him. Hindi ko alam kung bakit. I felt like we needed to talk . . . or at least see each other. There was a lingering feeling in my chest that I couldn't pinpoint. Basta gusto ko siyang makita, at sa palagay ko ay hindi na ako makakapaghintay pa hanggang Lunes.

From: Mr. Zamora

The books are in the treehouse. As for the meal, I promised my brothers I would cook for them tonight. If you don't mind eating with them, I'll pick you up right now.

Huminga ako nang malalim at pilit na ikinalma ang sarili.

To: Mr. Zamora

I'll go there myself.

Hindi ko na hinintay ang reply niya. Agad akong nagbihis at nagpaalam kay Mill na kikitain ko ang lalaki. I was nervous about meeting his brothers again for the first time in years . . . but I just couldn't wait to see him again. Paulit-ulit na naglalaro sa utak ko ang pag-iyak niya at ang pagsasabing matagal na niyang hinihiling na mayakap ako. Pakiramdam ko ay matatahimik lang ang utak ko kapag nakikita ko siya.

God . . . his tears were really taking a toll on me. Kahit talaga itanggi ko sa sarili kong hindi ko na siya mahal, saulo pa rin ng puso ko ang bawat kirot kapag nasasaktan siya. I'd seen him break down before, so I couldn't just stand on the line and watch him have another one.

Binagtas ko ang pamilyar na daan papunta sa kanila. I just wore sneakers to be comfortable and brought a cake because I couldn't just go there empty-handed. Nag-text ako kay Leon na malapit na ako, at nang matanaw ko siya na naghihintay sa tapat ng bahay nila ay parang may tinik na natanggal sa dibdib ko.

Okay, calm down now, Amari. Leon is okay. You're overreacting again.

"Hi . . ." I said awkwardly as I neared him.

Lumingon siya sa akin at bahagyang pumungay ang mga mata nang makita ako. His eyes traveled all the way down to my toes, sending a chill up my spine.

"Wala ka nang hangover?" he asked, his voice gentle. "I . . . didn't expect you'd actually come."

Lumapit siya sa akin at hindi na ako nagulat nang kunin niya ang box ng cake sa kamay ko.

"I'm . . ." Huminga ako nang malalim. ". . . here for the books."

He chuckled. "Of course."

Almost nothing had changed about their house. Maliban sa mga gamit na halatang bago, malinis pa rin ito at ang mga halaman na nadaanan ko ay buhay na buhay. Kung noon ay sa itim na plastic lang nakalagay ang ilan sa kanila, ngayon ay may sarili na silang mga paso na gawa sa luwad. Even the wooden fences around their house looked new, or at least newly polished.

"Pinataasan mo ang kisame n'yo?" tanong ko habang nagtatanggal ng sapatos.

He looked up, and the sides of his lips curved slightly. "You noticed?"

Tumango ako bago sinundan ang tinitingala niyang kisame. "Hindi na masyadong mainit kapag gan'yan kataas. That's a good investment."

I couldn't help but feel proud when I realized how far he had come. Noon ay halos mahulog na ang kisame nila . . . pero ngayon ay gawa na ito sa mamahaling materyal. It was built with high-quality gypsum wallboard, and the monobloc chairs on their terrace were replaced with furniture made of Narra.

"Dito ka nag-s-stay?" tanong ko ulit.

He shook his head. "Sa treehouse."

Bahagya akong nagulat doon. The last time I checked, it wasn't possible to live there.

Natawa siya sa reaksyon ko. "Renovated na 'yon, Amari. Hindi pa sobrang ganda . . . pero kaya nang tirhan."

Binuksan niya ang pinto, at halos matulala ako nang makitang ang loob ng bahay ay ibang-iba na. The floor was already tiled, and the cool air coming from the air conditioner made me wonder if that was really their house. Mukhang sa labas lang pala walang masyadong nagbago.

"Pasok ka."

I nodded as I made my way in. Everything was spotless . . . and the furniture looked like it came from high-end brands. Parang lumawak din ito dahil hindi na masyadong marami ang gamit. If Leon hadn't told me that it was his siblings who lived here, I would have assumed he was the one who did so.

"Pauwi na sila . . . nagsasarado lang ng tindahan," sabi niya.

"Sa palengke?"

Umiling siya. "Hindi sila pinayagang makakuha ng puwesto ro'n. Sa terminal sila . . . may maliit na sari-sari store."

"Ahh . . . okay rin 'yon. May commuters naman araw-araw. Magandang puwesto rin."

He breathed deeply as he smiled a bit. "Umupo ka muna d'yan. Maghahanda lang ako ng maiinom mo."

Isang tango lang at nagtungo na siya sa kusina bitbit ang box ng cake. I sat down and took a good look around the space where their family portrait and Tita Leah's picture were hanging. Batang-bata pa ang mga kambal doon at halatang nagmula sila sa iisang bunga dahil may mga pagkakahawig sila.

"Kasama raw ni Kuya si Ate Amari, 'no?"

Napalingon ako sa pinto nang makarinig ako ng ingay sa labas. I immediately recognized it as the twins. Malagong ang mga boses nila . . . halos kasingtimbre ng kay Leon.

"May pabango ka? Nakakahiya," sabi pa ng isa.

"Nagpabango ka na, ah?"

"Amoy usok pa rin." I heard laughter. "Maliligo muna ako. Mamaya pa naman, 'di ba?"

"Tumulong muna tayong magluto at nakakahiya kay Kuya. Saka mo na problemahin ang amoy mo. Hindi ka naman sisinghutin ni Ate Amari."

Kumunot ang noo ko sa naging takbo ng usapan nila. Narinig ko pa ang ilang tawanan bago bumukas ang pintuan.

Namimilog ang mga mata nila nang makita akong prenteng nakaupo sa sala. Their white T-shirts were stained, and they reminded me so much of young Leon. Ngayong mga binatang-binata na ay naging kamukha nila ang kapatid. If they got older, I was sure they'd look just like Leon. Salamin at kaunting sungit na lang sa itsura ang kulang.

"Ate Amari . . ." bulaslas ni Nathaniel.

I could easily distinguish them apart by the placement of their moles on their faces. Ang kay Nathaniel ay nasa sintido habang ang kay Nash naman ay nasa gilid ng labi. Magkasingtangkad lang sila ngunit mas mapusyaw ang kulay ni Nash.

"Magandang hapon po," halos magkasabay na bati nila.

I wanted to be angry at them because they were the reasons why Leon had started discarding me and Tita Leah had been so stressed out, but I couldn't find the rage in my heart. Wala akong karapatan . . . at wala ako sa posisyon nila para manghusga. Kung si Leon ngang nagawa silang tanggapin matapos ang lahat ng kalokohan nila, sino ba naman ako para makisawsaw at makisali?

I gave them a small smile. "Good afternoon."

Sakto namang dumating si Leon bitbit ang isang pitsel ng juice at tray ng mga baso.

"Magpalit muna kayo ng damit," utos niya sa dalawa. "Bibili ako ng bigas sa palengke. Hindi n'yo naman sinabing ubos na pala."

Nagsikuhan ang kambal kaya lihim akong napangiti. Mukha kasi silang takot kay Leon.

"Si Nash ang huling nagsaing, kuya. Hindi pala sinabi?"

Umiling si Nash kay Leon. "Binigyan mo kami ng rice cooker, 'di ba? Hindi ako marunong magsaing do'n . . . ewan ko kung sinong marunong," aniya sabay tingin sa kakambal. "Basta sa terminal ako nag-umagahan kanina."

"Magsisisihan pa kayo?" striktong tanong ni Leon. "Kita n'yong may bisita . . ."

Agad na lumipat ang tingin sa akin ng kambal at kita ko ang pagbalatay ng hiya sa mukha nila. Ngumiti lang ako para siguruhin silang ayos lang iyon sa akin. Naupo si Leon sa tabi ko at nagsalin ng juice sa isang baso.

"Magbihis na kayo," he dismissed the two.

Tumalima sila at kulang na lang ay magtulakan sila papunta sa kwarto. I liked how innocent they looked. Hindi man maganda ang nangyari sa kanila, mabuti na lang at nagsisimula na silang bumawi.

"It's refreshing to see you scolding them," saad ko.

I turned to face him, and my heart jumped when I realized how close we were. Mukhang nagulat din siya sa biglang pagharap ko dahil bahagyang umawang ang labi niya.

"You want . . . juice?" he whispered, his gaze traveling across my face.

I licked my lower lip and reached out for the glass. Sa mabilis na pagdadampi ng kamay namin ay agad akong nakaramdam ng kiliti sa sikmura ko. I tried blinking it all away, but my eyes wouldn't leave him. Para bang kahit nasa akin naman na ang baso ay nahihigit ng mata niya ang atensyon ko.

My chest felt like it was going to explode at the unexpected turn of events. We were in a staring contest . . . and I wanted to be the last one to look away. His gaze lingered on my neck, and I felt a pit in my stomach as I noticed his eyes getting darker.

He liked that part of me. Hindi ko alam kung bakit. Kahit noon ay doon niya ako madalas halikan. Something about my neck seemed to have an addicting effect to him.

"Leon . . ." bulong ko nang alisin niya ang ilang hibla ng buhok ko na nakaharang sa leeg ko.

Nang umangat ang ngayo'y madilim nang mga mata niya sa labi ko ay humigpit ang hawak ko sa baso. With that kind of look . . . I knew what was going to happen.

Lalong dinaga ang dibdib ko nang dahan-dahang lumapit ang mukha niya sa akin. One second, I was just smiling at his brothers, and now, I was anticipating a kiss. I could hear how hard he was trying to hold his breath . . . which made me wonder if I was holding my breath too.

But then, just as I was about to close my eyes, I heard the clatter of the door being opened.

"Kuya, ito pala ang pambili ng—"

Napatikhim ako nang lumabas sa kwarto si Nathaniel, tuluyang naputol ang sinasabi dahil sa naabutang puwesto namin.

". . . bigas," pagtatapos niya.

I gulped down the juice and poured myself another glass when I felt my throat getting dry. Goodness, Amari! You're here to check on Leon! Not kiss him!

"Ako na, Nathaniel," mariing saad ni Leon sa kapatid.

"Hindi . . . may ipon kami ni Nash, kuya."

"Ako na nga," iritableng sagot niya. "Pumasok ka na sa kwarto mo."

Pakiramdam ko ay pulang-pula ang mukha ko. Umisod ako palayo kay Leon dahil hiyang-hiya ako sa nangyari. We were just about to kiss! Ni hindi ko na inisip na nandito ang mga kapatid niya! At . . . at hindi pa naman kami nagkakabalikan! Ni hindi niya nga ako . . . nililigawan! Kung kailangan pa ba no'n.

He cleared his throat. "Bibili muna ako . . ."

"O-Okay," mabilis na sagot ko.

"Sasama ka?"

Matigas ang pag-iling ko. The last thing I wanted was to be in that small space with him! Baka kung saan pa mauwi 'yon!

He stood up. "Mabilis lang ako."

Oh please! Kahit tagalan mo!

"S-Sige . . ."

Nakahinga lang ako nang maluwag nang mawala siya sa paningin ko. My adrenaline was still rushing, and if not for Nathaniel, I would have already made out with Leon! That would mean . . . we were together again! Ganoong-ganoon ang nangyari sa amin! Naghalikan lang at kami na agad!

Mabuti na lang din at lumabas ang kapatid niya . . . kahit nakakahiya! Masyado pang maaga para magkabalikan kami.

I picked up my cellphone and focused there when the twins went out of their room. Wala naman silang sinabi sa akin pero pakiramdam ko ay lalabas ang puso ko sa dibdib ko dahil sa labis na kaba. I mean, they weren't kids anymore! They could have easily figured out what we were trying to do earlier!

"Ano'ng iluluto ni Kuya?" narinig kong tanong ni Nash sa kapatid. "Hindi pa nagagayat ang mga gulay, oh."

"Menudo yata at sweet and sour na tilapia. I-check mo nga kung linis na ang isda."

I heard some noises coming from the kitchen, like pots and pans rattling together.

"Tanga, Nash! Dahan-dahan naman! Patay ka kay Kuya!"

"Hindi pa linis ang isda. Marunong ka ba? Aalisan pa yata ng bituka 'to."

"Hindi ba naalisan sa palengke 'yan?"

"Aba, malay ko. Hindi naman ako ang bumili, eh."

Ibinaba ko ang cellphone para makapag-focus sa pakikinig sa kanila. They were still a pain in the neck.

"Kunin mo ang chopping board at simulan na nating gayatin 'tong mga gulay para magluluto at magsasaing na lang mamaya."

"Eh, itong isda?"

"Ikaw na ang bahala. Basta may kinukuha d'yan sa loob. Search mo na lang."

"Lalabas pa ako para makakuha ng signal? Itong mata na lang ang tanggalin. Nilinis naman siguro 'to."

"Ewan ko sa 'yo." Nakarinig pa ako ulit ng ingay. "May bell pepper pala ang menudo? Paano ang gayat nito?"

Hindi ko na napigilan ang tumayo at puntahan sila. Kahit kasi hindi naman ganoon kalakas ang pag-uusap nila ay rinig ko pa rin iyon dahil hindi naman malaking-malaki ang bahay nila. I looked at them and saw a bit of a mess they made. Ang tubig mula sa buntot ng mga tilapia ay tumutulo sa sahig at ang mga gulay ay parang ikinalat lang sa mesa.

"Ate . . ." pansin sa akin ni Nash. "Upo ka na lang do'n. Kami na rito."

Napalingon din sa akin si Nathaniel, at pilit kong binura sa isip ko ang senaryong nakita niya kanina.

"Alam n'yo ba ang gagawin?" tanong ko habang lumalapit sa isda.

"Lilinisin . . ." mahinang sagot ni Nash.

"Paano? Sasabunin mo?"

Bumulanghit ng tawa si Nathaniel kaya napasimangot ang kakambal.

"Tatanggalin 'yong nasa loob . . ." nakangusong sagot nito.

Ngumiti lang ako. I gathered my hair and put it in a messy bun without anything to tie it. That was a perk of having long hair. Kahit na walang ipit ay kaya 'tong maitali.

"Pahinging gunting," sabi ko na agad naman nilang ibinigay sa akin. "Hindi pa nalilinis 'tong isda. Kita n'yo oh, nandito pa ang mga fins."

Maingat kong tinanggal ang mga palikpik habang tahimik silang nakasilip sa ginagawa ko.

"Tinatanggal 'to kasi nandito 'yong lansa kaya kailangan ay maayos 'yong paggugupit. No excesses," I continued as I cut the fins. "Tapos ito . . . hasang. Tatanggalin din 'to."

Kinuha ko ang kutsilyo at inilapag sa chopping board ang isda para tanggalin ang hasang at ang nasa ilalim ng ulo nito.

"Ahh . . . ayan 'yong sinasabi kong inaalis. Parang bituka," saad ni Nash.

Marahan akong napatawa. "Oo . . . tapos pahingi na lang ako ng kutsra para maalis ko 'yong kaliskis. Okay lang naman kung kutsilyo 'yong gagamitin, pero mas mabilis ako kapag kutsara."

Inabot ni Nathaniel sa akin ang kutsara kaya ibinaba ko sa lababo ang isda para doon ito tanggalan ng kaliskis. Nanonood lang ang dalawa sa akin na para bang may ginagawa akong makakapagpabago sa buhay nila.

"Pati ulo may kaliskis, ha? So . . . hanggang dito 'yong aalisin."

Nang matapos ay humingi naman ako ng kutsilyo na mabilis naman nilang ibinigay sa akin. I made a slit in the fish's side and pulled out its organs.

"Hindi dapat sumabog 'tong apdo. Papait pag nagkataon . . ." sabi ko pa. "Pero may ibang kumakain no'n. Hindi sila napapaitan. Tapos, sa palengke, kapag bibili, hinihila lang nila mula sa ulo 'yong mga lamang-loob, kaya 'wag kayong magtataka kapag nakita n'yong iba 'yong way ng paglilinis nila."

I continued to clean it and eventually soaked it in salt to get rid of the fishy odor before washing it in running water.

"Gets n'yo ba? Kaya n'yong gawin sa ibang isda?" tanong ko.

Napakamot sa ulo si Nash. "Nakakaawa, ate."

That made me chuckle. "Ikaw, Nathaniel?"

Umiling ang huli. "Maggagayat na lang ako. Puwede?"

"Kaya mo?" tanong ko.

"Square 'yong cut ng patatas, 'di ba? Eh . . . 'yong bell pepper kaya, ate, paano? Nakikita kong niluluto noon ni Nanay, pero hindi ko maalala kung paano niya ginagayat," tawa niya.

Tumango ako at naglakad papunta sa mesa. "Nash, tulungan mo ang kakambal mo at medyo marami 'to. Lilinisan ko lang 'yong mga isda tapos tutulungan ko na kayo."

Itinuro ko sa kanila ang tamang gayat ng mga gulay at taimtim naman silang nakinig. After they got the hang of it, I returned to the sink to finish cleaning the fish. Dahil sanay naman na ay mabilis din akong natapos. Bumalik din agad ako sa mesa para tulungan sila sa ilan pang gayatin.

"Hindi naman kailangang pantay-pantay . . ." natatawang saad ko kay Nathaniel nang mapansing halos magkakasukat ang mga patatas. "Just cut it. You don't have to measure every piece."

"Tinanong pa nga ako kung vertical o horizontal daw ang gayat, ate," sumbong ni Nash. "Akala mo talaga alam 'yong pinagkaiba no'n."

"Sus, ibinalik mo pa sa 'kin. Hindi ka nakasagot kasi ikaw ang may hindi alam!"

Napatawa na lang ako sa kalokohan nila. Nagpatuloy kami sa paggagayat, at halos ako rin naman ang gumawa noon dahil hindi pa sila sanay. They were just laughing and lightening the mood . . . which I didn't really expect from them.

"Pasensya na, ate, ha? Hindi talaga kami sanay sa gawaing bahay. Laging sina Nanay at Kuya lang ang kumikilos, eh . . ." maya maya'y sabi ni Nathaniel. "Marunong naman na kaming magkumpuni ng mga ilaw, lababo, electric fan, at ibang appliances. Pero 'yang mga pagluluto at pagtitiklop ng damit . . ." Umiling siya. "Medyo hirap pa."

Something in my heart hurt when I realized that they spent most of the peak of their youth in prison. Kung hindi sila gumamit ng droga noon, baka nasa huling taon na sila ng college . . . o baka naka-graduate na. They could've made lots of memories with their friends and classmates.

"Tinuturan naman kami ni Kuya lalo at kami lang ang nandito. Hindi naman kasi puwedeng instant noodles lang lagi," sabi naman ni Nash. "Marunong kami ng ibang luto. Mga hotdog, itlog . . . gano'n."

Ngumiti ako bago inilagay ang mga nagayat na gulay sa pinggan.

"Proseso 'yan syempre. We can't learn things overnight. Saka . . . magandang bagay rin 'yong willing kayong matuto. Cooking is an important life skill. Mag-practice kayo ng mga paborito n'yong ulam. Ang daming recipe sa internet. Just don't stop trying, and you'll get a hold of it," I said. "Also . . . ask. Don't be afraid to ask. It's easier than trying to figure things out on your own. Minsan, kailangan talaga natin ng tulong. Imagine what would happen to you two if I just sat down there."

Natahimik silang dalawa . . . pakiramdam ko tuloy ay na-offend sila sa sinabi ko. I looked at them and noticed that the humor had completely disappeared from their faces, making them look a lot like Leon.

"May problema ba?" hindi napigilang tanong ko.

Huminga nang malalim si Nash at unti-unting ngumiti sa akin. "Thank you, ate."

Kumunot ang noo ko. "Hmm?"

Umiling siya. "Sa mga nakakakilala sa amin noon . . . ikaw lang ang hindi nandiri sa amin."

Parang nalaglag ang puso ko sa narinig, dahilan kung bakit hindi agad ako nakapagsalita.

"Pinagsisisihan naman namin . . . pero masyado nang huli. Nasisi pa ng mga tao si Nanay kasi adik ang mga anak niya. Hindi raw napalaki nang maayos," aniya pa. "Nawala siyang dala ang kahihiyan na 'yon."

Nathaniel chuckled lowly. "Kahit nga si Kuya, eh. Kung hindi pa kami nagmakaawang 'wag kaming pyansahan, baka hanggang ngayon, baon pa rin siya sa utang. Nagkamali kami . . . at kailangan naming pagbayaran 'yon. Nakakalungkot lang kasi nadamay sila."

I looked down at the plate when I felt a lump in my throat. Kapag nagsalita ako, alam kong mababasag lang ang boses ko.

"Kaya salamat, ate, ha? Ang bait mo . . . tapos tinuturuan mo pa kami."

My lips quivered. "A-Ano ba kayo? Ayoko rin kaya sa inyo . . . una pa lang. Mga tamad kayo at pinapahirapan n'yo si Leon . . ." Nag-angat ako ng tingin sa kanila. "Pero hindi ang mga pagkakamali n'yo ang magdidikta kung anong magiging buhay n'yo. Seeing how much you've grown was the best prize for Leon and Tita Leah. 'Wag n'yo na lang uulitin, okay?"

After sharing a smile, my heart felt lighter. Wala akong inaasahan sa mga kapatid ni Leon, pero ang makitang nagbago sila ay sapat na para maging masaya ako para sa kanya.

"Ayaw mo pa rin ba sa amin, ate?"

Sinamaan ko ng tingin si Nathaniel. "Kapag nailuto n'yo 'ko ng kare-kare, saka ko lang kayo mapapatawad. Tandaan n'yo . . . isa kayo sa dahilan kung bakit naghiwalay kami ng Kuya n'yo."

"Naghiwalay kayo?" gulat na tanong niya. "Eh, kanina . . ."

I gritted my teeth. "Shut up."

Nagkwentuhan pa kami tungkol sa pagtitinda nila sa terminal, at sa ganoong ayos kami naabutan ni Leon. Agad na pumunta ang kambal sa kotse para ibaba ang apat na sako ng bigas kaya naiwan kaming dalawa sa loob. Pansin ko ang panonood niya sa akin habang malaya akong gumagalaw sa kusina nila. Sinimulan ko na rin kasi ang pagluluto.

I crossed my arms against my chest and looked at him.

"Don't just watch, help me. Baka gutom na ang mga kapatid mo. Hirap na hirap pa naman silang maggayat."

Pumungay ang mga mata niya kaya tinaasan ko siya ng kilay. He then lowered his head as he chuckled softly, almost as if he couldn't believe what he was seeing.

Tumingin ako sa paligid at napanguso. Bakit siya tumatawa? Dahil ba madumi ang pagtatrabaho namin? Lilinisin ko naman mamaya!

He started to help me cook, but his small smile didn't fade away. Pinalinis ko sa kambal ang mga tinalupan namin at sumunod naman sila sa akin. Inasar pa nila ako tungkol sa kaliskis sa damit ko na hindi ko napansin kanina kaya sinimangutan ko sila. Kung hindi naman kasi ako tumulong ay baka nga nasabon nila ang isda!

Leon was just quiet as he watched me glare at his brothers, who were teasing me. Kahit habang kumakain kami ay tahimik lang siya samantalang kaming tatlo ay daldalan nang daldalan.

"Sige . . . gan'to na lang. Ano bang gusto n'yong program? Maghahanap ako sa library ng related studies tapos igagawa ko kayo ng reviewer," saad ko. "Grade 11 kayo, 'di ba? STEM? Kung gusto n'yo, i-e-enroll ko kayo. Madali lang 'yon. Tuturuan ko kayo sa calculus."

"Eh, ate! Nakakatamad na! Itong si Nathaniel, ewan ko lang kung gusto pa. Pero ako, ayos na ako sa natapos ko," tawa ni Nash. "Baka maligawan lang ako ro'n, eh."

I scoffed. "Hindi sapat na gwapo lang. Kailangan may substance."

"Gaya nino?" panunukso ni Nathaniel.

I rolled my eyes because I knew he was referring to Leon. "Gaya ng lalaking version ko. If I were a guy, I'm more handsome than you two."

Sumimangot si Nash. "Ngayon ko lang na-gets, ah. So . . . wala akong substance?"

Because of our nonstop chitchat, the dinner took longer than expected. Nag-volunteer ang kambal na maghugas lalo at kailangan pa naming pumunta ni Leon sa treehouse dahil . . . well . . . nandoon nga pala ang dinayo ko.

Dahil tahimik siya ay tahimik lang din ako habang papunta kami roon. I retouched my face earlier and sprayed a bit of perfume because I was afraid to smell fishy . . . lalo at siya ang kasama ko. I also asked him for a spare toothbrush . . . kasi wala lang! Gusto ko lang mabango ang hininga ko! Isda ang kinain namin kaya medyo malansa!

"Did you have a good time?" basag niya sa katahimikan.

I nodded. "Masayang kasama ang mga kapatid mo. They have a lot of energy."

His eyes were on the road. "That's . . . really good to hear, Amari."

Hindi na ako sumagot dahil mabilis lang din naman kaming nakarating sa farm. It was so close to their house that it only took a few minutes in a car to get there.

Leon lied when he said that the treehouse wasn't beautiful yet, because from where I stood, it was like an urban paradise. The bright yellow lights, sturdy wooden ladders, and intricately carved roof made it look like something out of the internet, like a hotel in a tree.

The treehouse's roof and railings were a rich chocolate brown, while the rest of the structure was a bit lighter. Ang pinto at mga hamba ng bintana ay itim. There was a separate, smaller cabin next to it, which I believed was the bathroom, and on the other side was an elegant grilling space.

"Tara . . ."

Para lang akong tutang sumunod sa kanya. Kung noon ay kailangan pa akong alalayan para makaakyat sa taas, ngayon ay para lang akong umaakyat sa normal na hagdan. It even had a sturdy handrail!

Pagkaakyat namin ay binuksan niya ang pinto. The lock was electronic and had a password that needed a 4-digit pin. Hindi ko inaasahan na ganito na kaganda ang magiging itsura ng paborito niyang lugar. Para bang dito niya ini-invest ang mga pera niya.

The interior was even more beautiful. There was a tiny kitchen off to the side, a flat-screen TV, a sofa set, and a ladder leading up to the open attic, where his large bed was placed. A glass door spanning the whole height of the area served as the gateway to his balcony, where he kept a coffee table and two matching chairs.

"Wow, Leon . . ." I blurted out. "I could live here . . ."

Narinig ko ang marahang pagtawa niya. Umakyat siya sa attic at pinanood ko ang pagkilos niya roon. It was so spacious that he could even stand up and walk around there!

"Ito 'yong mga libro," aniya bago bumaba sa attic.

Inilagay niya sa tapat ko ang eco bag, pero hindi ko iyon tinapunan ng tingin. I was so amazed by the beauty of his home! Nag-ikot-ikot ako sa paligid hanggang sa mapadpad ako sa estante ng mga picture frames niya.

A smile crept up to my lips when I saw our graduation picture, the one from his wallpaper. Nandoon din si Tita Leah, ang mga kapatid niya, sila ni Thaddeus, at ang diploma niya. It was probably the heart of his favorite place, with pictures of the people he loved . . . and I was there.

Hinawakan ko ang larawan namin habang inaaalala ang nangyari ng araw na 'to. I introduced him to my friends, and in his graduation speech, he mentioned me as the highlight of his college.

At that moment, all I could think about was taking him back to that time when he was truly happy . . . when Tita Leah was still there to give him his medal . . . when we still thought our relationship wouldn't end.

"Gusto mo ng maiinom?" tanong niya na nakakuha ng atensyon ko.

I shook my head as I put down the frame. Naglakad ako papunta sa sofa at tahimik na naupo roon. He then opened the glass door, and the wind immediately swept my hair.

He came over and sat down next to me as we glanced up at the moon and the few stars that were visible in the night sky. Tahimik lang kami parehas, nagpapakiramdaman. I knew I could just go home because I wasn't really supposed to be here, but I hadn't given him what I came here for yet — a hug.

But . . . how? I was sober, and he might be surprised if I just wrapped him up in my arms. Hindi niya rin naman binubuksan ang usapin tungkol kagabi . . . baka hindi niya gustong balikan namin.

Isinalampak ko ang likuran ko sa sofa ngunit nagulat ako nang masandalan ko ang braso niya. I immediately turned around and saw his arm behind me. The same thing that happened last night in the hospital . . . para siyang nakaakbay sa akin.

I pursed my lips and just let him. A few more blows from the wind and my hair were completely messed up.

"Where's the scrunchie I gave you?" he asked in a raspy voice, sending shivers down my veins.

"Nasa sasakyan mo, ah?" I pursed my lips. "Hindi ko naman ginamit."

Naestatwa ako nang ayusin niya ang buhok ko. He tied it in the same way I tied it earlier . . . a messy bun that didn't require anything. Dumaplis ang kamay niya sa batok ko para sikupin ang lahat ng hibla ng buhok ko, at sa bawat pagtama ng balat niya sa akin ay nagwawala ang dibdib ko.

Bahagya akong gumalaw para sana lumayo sa kanya, pero napagtanto ko rin agad na wala naman na pala akong iipuran. I tried to get up, but his arm was already on my shoulder, making it impossible for me to do so. Agad ko siyang nilingon at ganoon na lang ang pag-iinit ng sistema ko nang makita ang pamilyar na dilim ng mga mata niya.

His eyes were on my jaw, but when I looked at him, his gaze moved to my lips.

"I came here for a . . . hug," nanginig ang boses ko. "You said you wanted it . . ."

He removed his glasses and carefully tossed them on the floor.

"I want something else . . ." he said, eyes locked on my lips. "Red, plump, and addicting . . ."

Umawang ang labi ko. "A-Ayaw mo ng hug?"

"Later."

He wasted no time in grabbing my head and slamming his lips into mine. He didn't even bother with a soft introduction; his first kiss was already hungry, passionate, and demanding. His fingers then moved down my neck, tickling a tender spot there. And when I kissed him back, his patience ran out quickly.

Pinutol niya ang halikan namin at agad akong binuhat papunta sa hita niya. I was too drunk on his kisses to do anything but go with the flow. I spread my legs apart and sat on his lap while he ran his tongue around my mouth. One of his hands was on the back of my head, and the other was working its way down my chest.

"Leon . . ." I whimpered when I felt his palm on my breast, with all of my clothes still on.

Bumaba ang halik niya sa leeg ko at wala akong nagawa kung hindi ang pumikit at damhin ang init ng labi niya. He started kneading my breasts, making me moan with pleasure. He nibbled on my neck, and I was sure it would leave a mark, but I didn't say anything because I liked it.

Ang mga kamay ko ay nakatuon lang sa dibdib niya. I could feel his growing manhood on my bum, and I knew that if we didn't stop immediately, his old promise would be shattered.

And as if the heavens could hear my thoughts, his cellphone rang.

Hindi niya pinansin iyon at nagpatuloy sa paghalik sa akin. He kissed my lips again, this time . . . wanting more. Palipat-lipat ang kamay niya sa dibdib ko. My nipples were swelling, and I was glad I was still wearing my bra so he wouldn't really see how aroused I was.

"Cellphone mo . . ." I panted.

Hindi niya ako pinansin. He pulled up the bottom of my shirt and began drawing circles on my belly. Namatay ang tunog ng cellphone niya, pero ilang segundo lang ay muli iyong tumunog.

"Leon . . . sagutin mo muna. Baka importante."

I stopped and looked at him. I immediately felt heat rising in my cheeks because of our position and how red his face was. Magulo ang damit at buhok niya . . . at alam kong ako ang may gawa noon. He looked like he was drunk because his eyes were only half open and his lips were red and spread apart.

"Cellphone . . ." I said.

Nagbuntong-hininga siya at pairap na tiningnan ang cellphone na nasa gilid lang naman ng inuupuan namin. Hindi ako umalis sa ibabaw niya dahil ipinalibot niya ang isang braso sa baywang ko.

I looked over to see who was calling him, and when I realized who it was, it felt like someone splashed cold water on my face.

Pinilit kong tanggalin ang kamay niya sa akin at pabalang na tumayo.

"Years, and you're still in touch with Psyche?" I scoffed, not wanting him to say a word. "What's with her and her late-night calls, Leon?"

"Amari—"

"She always seems to mess things up. First, she hired you to be her fake boyfriend when we were developing feelings for each other. Then, when we were in Italy, she called in the middle of the night . . . and you know what happened next." Umiling ako. "I know I'm being unreasonable, but I can't think straight. Saka na lang ulit tayo mag-usap."

"Amari naman . . . let me—"

"I'm going home, and if you follow me, I'll stop whatever we have right now."