Chapter 34

Puno ng gulat ang mukha niya. Sa likod ng salamin ay kita ko ang pamimilog ng mga mata niya, para bang hindi makapaniwala sa narinig sa akin.

Seeing that look on his face was priceless to me because I'd always known that only a few people get to see that side of him.

"You'll let me take you home?" he asked weakly like I wasn't supposed to hear that.

Parang may tanikalang sumakal sa dibdib ko. He was that . . . shocked? I wonder what he'd look like if I started opening up to him again.

Tumango ako. "Ayaw mo ba? Sabihin mo lang. I can take a cab from here."

"Hindi." Agad siyang umiling. "I mean . . . ihahatid kita."

I pursed my lips when he quickly got his things together, as if he was in a rush. Nalaglag pa ang ballpen niya sa ilalim ng mesa sa bilis ng pagkilos niya.

"Take your time," hindi napigilang saad ko. "Hindi naman ako aalis."

Lumingon siya sa akin. His chest moved as he took a deep breath. Hindi ko alam kung bakit parang wala na siyang pakialam sa mababasa kong emosyon sa mukha niya. His expression gave away his feelings. Gulat, takot, saya . . . they were all painted in his eyes.

"I said you can take your time . . . pero hindi ko sinabing tumigil ka." I swallowed hard to get the lump out of my throat. "Bakit ka ba natutulala?"

Isang buntong-hininga at tuluyan na siyang lumapit sa akin. He took my laptop bag and carried it himself. Kahit maraming bitbit ay dinala niya rin ang mga librong hiniram ko.

Ngumuso ako. I'm a strong, capable woman who doesn't need a man to help me carry my belongings! Hindi niya kailangang gawin 'to para sa 'kin!

Isa pa, may mga dala rin siya! Kagagaling niya lang sa pagtuturo tapos magpapagod siya sa mga ganitong bagay! He hadn't changed at all. Feeling niya ay si Superman pa rin siya.

"May kamay ako," pagrereklamo ko nang magsimula kaming maglakad palabas ng library. "Kaya ko rin 'yan . . ."

"I know," he muttered, glancing at me. "I just don't want my hands to be free because I might hold something I'm not allowed to."

Mabilis na nag-init ang mukha ko. I shouldn't assume he was talking about my hands, right?! There were a lot of things he couldn't hold! Like . . . like his penis! Because we were out in public! It would be weird to hold . . . it.

I let out an exasperated sigh. What the fuck are you thinking again, Amari?

Nang makarating kami sa kotse niya ay binuksan lang niya ang backseat para doon ilagay ang mga gamit namin. He also opened the door for me, and as I slid myself into his car, I noticed him putting his hand over the top of my head, as if to keep it from hitting anything.

Hindi naman ako makapagsalita dahil sa pagwawala ng puso ko. I watched him get into the driver's seat, and as soon as he did, his scent invaded the inside of the car.

I breathed deeply. Paano niya nagagawang maging mabango pa rin kahit na galing siya sa trabaho?

Inilagay niya ang cellphone sa phone holder at nang umilaw iyon ay nanlaki ang mata ko nang makitang ang homescreen wallpaper niya ay ang picture namin noong graduation. Mukha namang nataranta siya dahil agad niyang kinuha ang cellphone at inilapit iyon sa kanya.

"Address . . ." bulong niya.

Kinagat ko ang pang-ibabang labi. God . . . he was all over me! Talagang hindi siya makaka-move on kung sa lahat ng gamit niya ay nandoon ako! I was in his picture frame at work, and now I am even a wallpaper on his cellphone!

"So, I'm gonna pretend I didn't see your wallpaper?" I asked.

His ears were all red, and his brows were furrowed as if he was trying so hard not to lose it.

Tumikhim siya, ang mga mata ay nasa telepono. "Yeah . . ."

Pinigilan ko ang mapangiti. Bukod kasi sa wala namang nakakatawa ay baka makita niya pa ako!

"Okay . . ." I replied as I gave him my full address, which he typed into his phone.

He turned the key in the ignition of his car and started driving. Hindi naman malayo ang apartment namin sa library. With his usual speed, we could get there in 30 to 45 minutes.

Kahit Sabado ay may klase ang ibang estudyante, at dahil magdidilim na ay marami rin sa kanila ang naghihintay ng masasakyan pauwi. Some students were laughing around with their friends, some were hurrying to find seats in the jeepney, and some were just waiting, listening to music in their earphones as if they had an eternity to spare.

"Traffic . . ." bulong ni Leon.

I glanced at him and noticed how tense he was. Tahimik siya . . . pero mukhang kinakabahan.

"Nagmamadali ka ba?" tanong ko. "It's rush hour. Baka ma-stuck talaga tayo rito."

Lumingon siya sa akin at nang makitang nasa kanya ang atensyon ko ay nagbawi agad siya ng tingin. He moved the bridge of his glasses and held the wheel with more strength, making his veins protrude through his skin.

"Hindi ako nagmamadali . . . Amari." He cleared his throat. "Baka lang mainip ka."

I was used to him calling my name, but every time he did, I got the feeling that he was being serious . . . like he wanted something to break through the barriers that existed between us . . . like saying that would bring us closer together.

"Wala naman akong gagawin, Leon." I bit my lower lip when I called him by his name, too. Itinutok ko ang tingin sa daan para kalmahin ang sarili. "And if I'm bored . . . may libro naman akong hiniram."

He made a soft, almost inaudible chuckle. "You and your books."

Nag-init ang mukha ko. "You have more books than me."

"I've found a cheap bookstore where they sell used psychological books," he said. "I've bought ten pieces for 4,000."

That made me look at him. "Saan?"

"Benguet," sagot niya. "You'll like it there."

Lumabi ako. "Can I have the exact address? Pupuntahan ko kapag may free time ako. I'm almost done reading everything in the psychology section of the library. Baka may makuha akong bago."

There was a hint of a smile on his face when he glanced at me. "That's my hidden treasure, Amari. Uubusan mo pa 'ko."

Ikinunot ko ang noo. "Sana hindi mo na lang ako ininggit kung hindi mo naman pala sasabihin!"

Tuluyang umalpas ang ngiti niya. His eyes were on the road, but I could tell he was having fun.

"You have a lot of money. You can surely buy brand-new ones," aniya.

"Sino'ng may ayaw sa murang libro, Leon? Everything is so expensive now! You know I'm a sucker for a good discount." I scoffed. "At mas marami kang pera sa 'kin, 'no! You have a car and most of your clothes are from DB!"

"I'm still paying for this car monthly," sabi niya na bahagyang nakapagpagulat sa 'kin. "And for the clothes, I just bought them when I had some extra money."

"Hindi ba mahal ang ganitong sasakyan? This will take at least 30% of your salary."

"Mahal, pero maunti na lang naman ang balance ko." Mahina siyang tumawa. "I've always wanted one and it's automatic . . . and red."

Bahagya akong nagtaka. "Ano naman kung automatic at red?"

Umiling lang siya kaya napanguso ako. I really don't understand his tactics sometimes.

"If you want to go to the bookstore," he said, "I can come with you."

Inilipat ko ang tingin sa bintana sa gilid ko at pinanood ang unti-unting pagkagat ng dilim sa langit.

"You barely had any free time, Leon. I'd rather let you sleep than go book shopping with me."

I meant it. Lunes hanggang Linggo ay nagtatrabaho siya. Dahil sa review namin ay gabi pa siya madalas makauwi. Working at that rate, he may easily burn himself out.

"Basta sabihan mo lang ako kung gusto mo. Kung hindi naman, dadalhin ko na lang sa 'yo ang ilang librong nabili ko. Just . . . ask."

Tumango na lang ako at itinutok ang buong atensyon sa nadadaanan namin. I didn't think our conversation would go this smoothly. Dahil sa bookstore na nasabi niya ay mabilis niyang nagiba ang tensyon sa pagitan namin. He just knew exactly how to get my attention.

"About your office . . . ano pang gusto mong gawin do'n? I told the staff to get you a comfortable chair that could be turned into a bed so you could rest when there were no clients. In the meantime, I'll have it moved to our office."

His worry touched my heart, but I couldn't help but find him amusing.

"I was there to do my job, not to slack off, Leon. A swivel chair is more than enough."

Lihim akong napatawa nang magsalubong ang kilay niya na parang hindi niya nagustuhan ang sinabi ko. He didn't say anything else, so I just let the silence between us wash over me.

Mabagal ang pagpapatakbo niya . . . na ipinagpasalamat ko. Natatakot kasi ako na ang lakas ng loob na mayroon ako ngayon ay baka mawala sa mga susunod na araw. Right now, I just want to fulfill the desire of my young heart and be with him.

"We're here," I said when I saw our small gate.

Itinigil niya ang sasakyan sa tapat nito at tiningnan ang kabuuan ng apartment. It was small, but it gave us a place to sleep. Saksi ito sa pinagdaanan nina Karsen, Gayle, at Mill. I wouldn't ask for anything else. Hindi rin naman mahal ang renta. Still, if I were to have a talk with Mill, I might ask her if we should start buying our own. Unti-unti . . . pero kaya naman siguro.

"Wala kang kasama?" tanong ni Leon. "Where's Mill?"

Tinanggal ko ang seatbelt bago siya sagutin. "Fieldwork. Hindi ko alam kung kailan makakauwi. Lagi rin namang tumatawag kaya okay lang."

"Mag-isa ka?"

I chuckled. "Oo nga."

Kumunot ang noo niya. "Is it safe?"

"I'm sure it is." I pursed my lips. "At saka, ano bang meron sa inyo ni Mill at worried na worried kayo sa pagtira ko rito nang mag-isa? I lived abroad alone for years. Mas maliit pa nga dati d'yan ang tinirhan ko. Isang sipa lang sa pinto no'n, puwede akong mapasok. 'Yon talaga. Isang maliit na kama lang saka banyo. Buti nga ang pintuan namin d'yan at may tatlong loc—"

I cut myself off when his eyes started to look dim and lifeless . . . like what he just heard was something he'd rather not know.

Para akong tinamaan ng hiya.

That wasn't something to share, Amari. You should have just kept it to yourself.

Tumikhim ako. "I mean, my point is . . . kaya ko, okay?" bawi ko. "There's no need to worry."

Dahan-dahan siyang tumango. I could tell he was guilty . . . but it wasn't my intention to make him feel that way. Gusto ko lang ipakita ang punto kong kaya kong mag-isa.

He looked at the steering wheel and sighed, clenching my heart more. Should I say sorry? Hindi ko sinasadyang ikwento 'yon . . . pero mali ako, 'di ba? It might make him regret choosing his family over me, but he couldn't change what happened . . . and I didn't want him to change anything.

"Your friend . . ." he whispered before I could even make up my mind. "She came to see me three weeks ago."

My lips parted. "S-Si Mill?"

He nodded, and a smile crept onto his lips. "She told me she doesn't care about me, my choices, or my experiences."

Napayuko ako at mariin na napapikit. "I'm sorry . . . ganoon lang talaga si Mill."

"No." I heard him chuckle. "She . . . apologized."

Parang may bikig na namuo sa lalamunan ko.

"She said she was sorry for her behavior. That when she saw me, all she wanted to do was hurt me . . . but I told her it wasn't necessary because I understand her," he continued. "And before she leaves, she . . ."

Marahan siyang tumawa kaya napatingin ako sa kanya.

"She slapped me."

Hindi ko alam kung ilang gulat pa ang mararamdaman ko ngayon . . . but I knew he wasn't lying. That was something Mill would really do.

"She said I didn't deserve her words, but she also said I deserved at least a slap because I made her best friend cry . . . and that if I tried to hurt you again, it wouldn't just be a slap." Lumingon siya sa akin at ngumiti. "Her slap stings . . . but I'm really glad you have someone like her."

Bumagsak ang tingin ko sa kamay ko, at kasabay ng panunubig ng mga mata ko ay ang pagkibot ng labi ko. Mill was unreasonably loyal to us . . . at hindi ko alam kung gusto kong baguhin 'yon.

"Amari . . ." Leon called me softly.

Hindi ako makapag-angat ng tingin sa kanya dahil pakiramdam ko ay babagsak ang luha ko.

"Hmm?" I said instead.

For a full minute, we were bathed in peaceful silence. It was just him, the sound of his car, and the fast beating of my heart.

"Thank you for spending time with me," puno ng lambing na sabi niya. "You made me really . . . really happy."

What happened kept me awake all night. Nagpagulong-gulong ako sa kama dahil sa kiliting nararamdaman. I was happy . . . wasn't I? I couldn't even stop smiling. Mabuti at mag-isa ako rito. Walang maninita sa akin kung bakit ako nakangiti.

From: Mr. Zamora

Are you still up?

Halos maisubsob ko ang mukha sa unan dahil sa bigla. My heart was racing and I felt like I couldn't breathe.

To: Mr. Zamora

Yup. Why?

I made it sound like I wasn't hyperventilating. I could feel the excitement building up in my body, and I knew for sure that it had been years since I had experienced something like this.

At . . . sa parehong tao lang din.

From: Mr. Zamora

What are you doing?

Nag-isip ako ng puwedeng isagot doon. I couldn't just tell him I was thinking about us, right? Nakakahiya!

To: Mr. Zamora

Watching documentaries.

From: Mr. Zamora

What documentaries?

I pouted as I typed another reply. Para namang interview 'to.

To: Mr. Zamora

Kahit ano lang. Why are you asking? I won't send you the link. It's past 1. You have to work later. Why not put down the phone and get ready for bed instead of texting me?

Medyo pinagsisihan kong isinend ko iyon dahil nagtunog masungit na naman ako. Mukhang tama nga si Kat na lagi kong sinusungitan si Leon.

From: Mr. Zamora

I will, Ms. Mendoza.

From: Mr. Zamora

Good night. I'll see you at work.

Nang sumunod na araw ay sina Gayle at Karsen ulit ang inabala ko. I couldn't just stay at the apartment because I was losing it over Leon! Tumawag din ako kay Mill tungkol sa sinabi ni Leon at hindi naman niya iyon itinanggi. Kung ibinigay ko raw ang number ng lalaki ay hindi niya na iyon pupuntahan. Hindi na raw sana niya nasampal.

"Bakit gan'yan ang itsura mo?!" bulaslas ni Karsen nang makita ako sa sala nila na punong-puno ng hairclip sa ulo.

Inginuso ko si Gayle na ngayon ay kinukutinting na naman ang cellphone ko.

"Sa tingin mo?"

Tumawa siya at tumingin sa anak. "Baby, kunan mo ng picture si ninang."

"Dawn Karsen . . ." suway ko. "Kumbinsihin mo na lang siyang tanggalin ko ang hairclips, please?"

Naglakad palapit sa akin si Gayle at hindi na ako nagulat nang itapat nito ang camera sa akin.

"Nangnang, one, to, ti . . ."

Sumimangot ako. "Matapos kitang i-braid."

She giggled. "Si Mimi 'di magaling mag-tintas, nangnang. 'Di kaya pishtail."

"Kamot ka lang nang kamot kaya nagugulo," sagot naman ni Karsen. "Halika nga rito. Pa-kiss si mommy."

Agad na lumapit ang bata sa nanay niya at inilahad dito ang bilugang pisngi niya. I just smiled as I watched them because I realized how much their lives had changed. Malaki ang bahay na tinutuluyan nila ngayon at hindi na rin nila problema ang pera. Ibang-iba sa senaryong nakita ko bago ako tumulak pa-ibang bansa.

Tumayo ako at dinampot ang cellphone kong nabitawan ni Gayle sa carpet. Sakto rin naman ang pagdating ni Kobe bitbit ang grocery na iniutos ni Karsen. Ayaw kasi ng kaibigan kong kumuha sila ng kasambahay dahil aksaya lang daw sa pera. It just made me laugh because Kobe was a multi-millionaire but he did everything she told him to do.

Dahil Sunday ay family day ay tumulak na rin agad ako pauwi. Talagang hinintay ko lang namang dumating si Kobe.

When I got home, I was surprised to see what happened to my cellphone . . . and I really promised myself not to let Gayle touch it again.

To: Mr. Zamora

uwhduweihfwiufhuqi

To: Mr. Zamora

Elow

To: Mr. Zamora

Barbie coloring book

I scrolled down to see all the pictures from her coloring book that she sent to Leon. May selfie pa siya na halos mawala ang mata dahil sa laki ng ngiti niya. She looked adorable, but to hell with it, because even the picture of me pouting with a lot of hair clips in my head was there!

Why did I trust Gayle with my phone again? Ganitong-ganito rin ang ginawa niya dati! Bakit ba hindi na ako natuto?!

My phone beeped and I felt my cheeks warming because it was from Leon.

From: Mr. Zamora

You're as lovely as your coloring book, Hikari. 'Wag kang magse-send ng importanteng details ng nangnang mo sa iba, ha? And please don't share that beautiful picture of her with anyone else, okay? Thank you for the gift. If we meet in the future, I'll buy you whatever you want.

Nasapo ko ang noo bago nag-type ng sagot sa kanya.

To: Mr. Zamora

Do you really think she'll understand you? Hirap pa siyang magbasa. And please delete my picture. I didn't know she sent that.

From: Mr. Zamora

Hi.

"God, Leon . . ." bulong ko sa sarili. "You'll be the cause of my death."

Thankfully, hindi naman niya ako harap-harapang nilandi habang nasa opisina kami. Patuloy lang ang pagbibigay niya ng kape sa akin tuwing umaga na para bang naging routine niya na iyon. Sabay na rin kaming pumupunta sa university kapag may review dahil hinahayaan ko siyang ihatid na ako. It was easier and made me a little . . . happier.

Kahit madalas ay tahimik lang kami dahil mayroon pa ring ilang . . . I felt like I was really living.

We hadn't really talked much about the past . . . about the experiences we had away from each other. Siguro hindi pa ako handa. Ayoko pang malaman na nakipagtrabaho talaga siya sa . . . kanila. Ayoko pang malaman na marami rin siyang iniiyak sa nasirang relasyon namin.

I wasn't sure if I could forget that we broke up because of his decision, but at that moment, I didn't care about logic or reason . . . I just surrendered to my heart and allowed myself to feel vulnerable again.

"Tapos ka na?" tanong niya nang makalabas ako ng opisina.

"Yup. Ikaw?" Nag-inat ako. "Nag-overtime ako . . . daming pending."

He chuckled as he carefully took my bag from me. "Nag-overtime na rin ako. Sinabayan kita."

Ngumuso ako. "Ihahatid mo 'ko?"

"Puwede?"

I rolled my eyes. "Drive thru tayo. Gutom na 'ko."

I wouldn't say we were getting there because we still had a lot to talk about. I just went with the flow. I just let things happen. Kahit nang makauwi si Mill at nakikita niyang inihahatid ako pauwi ng lalaki ay wala siyang sinasabi. Ni hindi na nga niya ako sinusundo kapag ginagabi ako ng uwi dahil alam niyang ihahatid naman daw ako ni Leon.

Nang makapanganak si Shaira ay sabay rin kaming bumisita sa ospital. Zoey and Meg gave each other knowing looks when they saw us together, but Shaira just wiggled her brows at Leon.

"Habang nanganganak ako, ipinagdadasal ko talagang makuha niya ang talino nina Ninang Mari at Ninong Leon niya. Kasi kapag kay Ninang Meg . . . nako! Magiging sakit ng ulo ko panigurado."

I laughed at Shaira's banter. Buhat niya ngayon ang anak at nasa tabi naman niya si Thaddeus na maya't maya ang punas sa noo niya. Kulang na lang ay kunin niya rito ang bata at siya na mismo ang magbuhat para lang hindi mahirapan si Shaira.

"Sabi nila, makikita mo ang ganda ng isang babae pagkatapos niyang manganak. Grabe, Shai? Ang pangit mo pala talaga?" ganti ni Meg.

Suminghal naman sa kanya ang babae. "Ang sad naman na hindi namin makikita ang tunay na ganda mo kasi walang willing makipag-sex sa 'yo."

"Shai . . ." suway ni Thaddeus.

I tried to stifle a chuckle by pressing my fingers against my bottom lip, but I failed. Ang kulit kasi!

"Baby, baby . . ." parang walang pakialam sa mundong sabi ni Zoey habang nakatingin sa bata. "'Wag kang makikinig sa kanila, ha? Bad influence 'yang mga 'yan. Kay Ninang Zoey ka lang sasama, ha?"

"Ay, 'te! Gumawa ka ng iyo!" saad ni Shaira.

Habang nagkakatawanan ay naramdaman ko ang paggalaw ni Leon sa tabi ko. I looked at him and noticed that his arm was resting on the back of my chair . . . parang nakaakbay sa akin. Tiningnan ko iyon pero kahit alam niyang nakita ko ang ginagawa niya ay hindi naman niya iyon tinanggal.

"Inom tayo," pagyayaya ni Meg. "Inggitin natin 'yong mga bawal . . ."

"Huy, parang gusto ko. Kahit bote bote lang," sabi naman ni Zoey. "Ikaw ba, Mari?"

Napaisip ako. Biyernes naman ngayon at wala akong pasok bukas. I think I could skip my Saturday library itinerary.

"Okay lang."

Sumimangot si Shaira. "Queen, ikaw ang inaasahan kong hindi papayag kasi alam mong maiinggit ako. Ano'ng klaseng pagkakaibigan 'to?"

I chuckled. "I'll pay 50% of your hospital bill . . . how 'bout that?"

Namilog ang mga mata niya kasabay ng tilian nina Meg at Zoey. Miski si Thaddeus ay napatawa sa reaksyon ng mga babae.

"Queen, gamitin mo 'ko habangbuhay!" madrama pang saad ni Shai.

I just laughed at them. It was actually my plan. Noong walang-wala ako, isang lapit ko lang sa kanya ay napapautang niya na agad ako. She never pressured me to pay. Kahit noong nasa Italy ay sa kanya ako lumapit. Doing this was no match compared to the help she gave me when I had nothing.

"Eh, si Leon din daw sa isa pang 50%," nakangising saad ni Thaddeus. "Nag-usap ba kayo?"

Napatingin ako kay Leon. "Totoo?"

He just nodded.

"Grabe, mag-iipon na ako at baka kapag nagbuntisan na kayo ay sa amin n'yo rin ipa-shoulder."

Malakas ang naging pagtawa ni Thaddeus kaya nag-init ang mukha ko. I looked away from Leon and just kept my straight face.

"My guy's traditional, Shai. His self-control is way out of this world."

"Shut up, Thaddeus," Leon said.

Pakiramdam ko ay pulang-pula na ang mukha ko ngayon. Shaira was laughing, but not too hard because of her stitches. Meg was grinning, and Zoey, being Zoey, was still trying to figure out what we were talking about.

"Kung kami ni Thaddeus ang nag-live in, baka lima na ang anak namin," sabi pa ni Shaira.

Naiiling na napatayo na lang ako. "Tara na nga, Meg, Zoey. May convenience store sa baba. Do'n na lang tayo uminom."

"Uy . . . iwas sa topic. O siya sige, labas ang mga virgin."

Zoey stood up. "Bakit lalabas? Naglilihi ka pa rin ba?"

"Ay, 'te, ewan ko sa 'yo! Nakakapagod na."

Hindi ko na sila pinansin at lumabas na ako ng private room. Leon gestured me to call him because he would stay at the room for his friend. Tumango lang ako at hinayaan siya. Hindi rin naman siya puwedeng mag-inom dahil mag-d-drive pa siya mamaya.

"Nagkabalikan kayo?" tanong ni Meg sa akin habang bumibili kami ng alak.

Sa table sa labas ng convenience store lang din kami mag-iinom. Hindi naman kasi kami sosobra.

"Hindi . . ." sagot ko.

Ngumisi si Zoey. "Nililigawan ka?"

Napakurap ako bago dahan-dahang umiling. "Wala naman siyang sinabi."

"Eh, ano'ng ginagawa n'yo?"

Meg chuckled. "Edi, 'yong dati nilang ginawa. Landian nang walang label."

Ipinatong namin ang pinamili sa labas. I don't know whether we can drink here, but it's not like we're going to get drunk.

"Masaya ako na masaya kayo, Mari," saad ni Zoey. "Sa totoo lang, ngayon ko na lang ulit nakitang parang may buhay si Leon."

Something in me warmed up because I felt the same way . . . I felt alive.

Meg exhaled. "Just go with it. Your story is long overdue."

We talked about random things. Kung paanong si Zoey ay babalik sa probinsya para mag-internship sa crush niyang dentista. Next year kasi ay magtatapos na rin siya. Sooner or later, I'd have a dentist friend. Si Meg naman ay nag-a-apply abroad. Pakiramdam niya raw kasi ay walang patutunguhan ang career niya rito lalo at hindi naman ganoon kalaki ang sweldo niya.

"College pa lang tayo, alam ko nang maganda ang future mo, Mari," sabi ni Meg. "Napakasipag mo. Bonus na lang ang pagiging matalino."

Zoey nodded. "Like you can do whatever you set your mind to. Kapag plinano mo, gagawa ka ng mga paraan para maabot mo. Kaya nga ako nag-dentistry, eh. I saw how passionate you are about psychology, and I know in the back of my mind that I can also do well in my chosen field."

Uminom muna ako bago nagsalita. "Hindi mo gusto ang psychology, pero Cum Laude ka. Paano pa kapag ginawa mo pa ang gusto mo, 'di ba?" I chuckled. "At ikaw, Meg, hindi sipag o talino ang kulang sa 'yo; opportunity. Kaya suportado kita sa desisyon mong mangibang bansa. Get out there and see the world, because success will be on your way."

I only got lucky because opportunities came knocking on my door, but I don't think I could succeed just by working hard. Kasi kung sipag at tiyaga lang din, edi sana ay hindi na kailangang maghirap ng marami. Farmers, vendors, and breadwinners worked tirelessly, but some still struggled to make ends meet. Oportunidad ang kulang.

Inabot ni Zoey ang kamay ko at marahang hinaplos iyon. "For an orphan, you sure left your stamp on the world, Mari. Nakakaproud."

Hindi ko alam kung gaano kami katagal nag-inom doon. I realized that without Shaira, we could actually get serious. Kapag kasi kasama namin ang babae ay napakagaan lang ng mga kwentuhan namin. We could talk seriously, but only for a short while.

Hindi pa sana kami titigil kung hindi pa kami binaba ni Leon. I started to feel a little off, and I knew right away that I'd had too much to drink. Hindi ko naman kasi naramdaman iyon noong nakaupo lang kami. Ngayong nakatayo ako ay ay parang nagdadalawa ang paningin ko. Goodness . . . traydor talaga ang alak.

"M-Magpapaalam ako kina Shaira . . ." My voice was slurred.

Pagkarinig pa lang sa akin ay nagsalubong na ang kilay ni Leon.

"Galit ka?" I asked him. "Tibay mo naman."

Umiling siya. "Kaya mong maglakad hanggang sasakyan?"

"Kahit tumbling pa."

He sighed. "You don't."

"Kaya ko! Marunong ka pa sa 'kin!" I ranted. "Kaya ko pa ngang mag-take ng board exam ngayon, eh. Try, gusto mo?"

He sighed and tried to reach out to me, but I took a step back. "Mamaya . . ."

"Zoey, 'wag kang matulog d'yan," narinig kong suway ni Meg. "Halika na, uuwi na tayo."

Dizzy, I put my head down and closed my eyes, but before I could even start to fall asleep, Leon put his arm around my waist and cursed.

"Akala ko ba hindi kayo iinom nang marami . . ."

I chuckled as I pressed my face against his chest. Agad naman siyang napayakap sa akin.

"Si Zoey kasi!" sigaw ko. "Ang daming binili!"

"Amari, tone down your voice."

"'Wag mo 'kong patahimikin, hindi mo 'ko estudyante."

"Please?"

I laughed as I placed my index finger on top of my lips. Hinarap ko siya at nginitian.

"Shhh?"

The sides of his lips curled a bit. Tumango siya at ibinalik ang ulo ko sa dibdib niya. "Yes. Shhh . . ."

The next thing I knew, I was sitting in the passenger seat of his car, and I had no idea how I got there. Meg and Zoey were sitting in the backseat. Nakasandal si Zoey kay Meg habang si Meg naman ay mukhang pagod na pagod sa nangyari. Kulang na lang ay itulak niya ang babae palayo sa kanya.

I looked at Leon and found it amusing how his jaw was clenched. Without giving it any thought, I traced it with my index finger, and I noticed how shocked he was.

"Oh god, Mari! Don't do anything you'll regret tomorrow!" reklamo ni Meg.

Bumalik ako sa pagkakasandal at pumikit. "Gisingin n'yo na lang ako kapag nasa apartment na."

Muli akong nakabalik sa pagtulog, at nang makabalik ako sa ulirat ay wala na sina Meg at Zoey sa likod. Marahil ay naihatid na ni Leon.

Humampas ang hangin sa mukha ko at doon ko lang napagtantong bukas pala ang bintana. From the side mirror, I could see how pink my cheeks and lips were. And with just one look, I knew I was drunk.

"Leon . . ." mahinang tawag ko sa lalaki.

"Matulog ka muna. Gigisingin na lang kita."

I pouted and let the air brush against my hair. Hindi ko alam kung anong oras na . . . pero alam kong malalim na ang gabi.

"Sorry, naabala kita," sabi ko. "May trabaho ka pa bukas . . . jusko, trabaho na naman. Hindi ka na natapos d'yan. Tinalo mo 'ko sa pagiging workaholic." I laughed. "Hindi ka ba napapagod? Hinahatid mo pa 'ko. Hinahayaan mong tarayan kita. Tapos nagluluto ka pa ng tanghalian mo araw-araw. God . . . give yourself a break, Leon."

Tahimik lang siya, hindi pinapatulan ang panenermon ko. Mula sa bintana ay humarap ako sa kanya at malayang tinitigan ang mukha niya.

"Patingin nga ng mukha mo ulit kapag walang salamin . . . miss ko na 'yon, eh."

He slowed down a bit and removed his glasses without saying anything.

Napangiti ako. Isinuot ko iyon sa akin at ngumiti sa kanya.

"You're the most handsome guy I've ever met, Leon Ysmael," I muttered. "The sweetest, the sincerest, the smartest . . . tapos mahal ako." I laughed as I threw my head back into the seat. "D'yan ka nagkamali. From the start, you knew I was cruel, but you didn't run away. Dapat no'ng pinag-iisipan kita nang masama noon, naghanap ka na lang ng iba. Edi sana, hindi ka nagtitiis sa 'kin ngayon."

Tinanggal ko ang salamin niya at ipinatong iyon sa hita niya.

"Isuot mo . . . gabi na. Nag-d-drive ka pa. Mamaya ibangga mo pa 'to kasi na-realize mong malaki ang galit mo sa 'kin."

Pumikit ako. "Ang tanga mo, Leon. Sinabi mong kalimutan kita . . . pero ngayon, gusto mong ipaalala? Matapos kong iyakan 'yon . . . matapos kong kumbinsihin ang sarili ko na tapos na 'ko, papasok ka ulit sa buhay ko na parang wala lang nangyari." I breathed deeply. "Ang tanga mo, pero mas tanga ako sa 'yo . . . kasi hinahayaan kita."

"Amari, get some sleep first. We'll talk when you're sober . . ."

Nagmulat ako at umiling. "Alam mo ba kung gaano kasakit sa 'kin noon na . . . hindi mo na 'ko niyayakap? Na nakakatulog ka na hindi mo na sinasabing mahal mo 'ko? Na magigising na lang ako na wala na 'kong katabi? Na mas madalas mo pa ngang kahalikan 'yong yosi mo kaysa sa 'kin." I chuckled softly. "Sabi sa 'yo, tanga ako, eh. Pati yosi kinainggitan."

He pulled over to the side of the road and looked at me. I just stared back at him, feeling a lot of things.

"Leon . . ." tawag ko sa kanya kahit na nasa harap ko lang naman siya.

Nanatili ang titig niya sa akin. His eyes were full of guilt, sorrow, and pain. Marami akong gustong itanong at sabihin sa kanya, pero isa lang ang pinakananaig sa puso ko.

The reason why he left. The reason why he tossed my feelings out the window. The reason why he was here. The reason that deep down in my heart, I knew I would always cherish.

"Is Tita Leah still with us?"

His eyes watered in the brisk night air, as if he wanted someone to ask him that question. At sa dahan-dahang pag-iling niya ay naramdaman ko rin ang pagguho ng isang parte sa puso ko. His lips trembled as he continued to shake his head.

"I-I'm sorry for failing you two . . . I'm sorry."

With all my remaining strength, I wrapped my arms around him and let him cry on my shoulder . . . and as if waiting for it, he grieved.