Chapter 33

That day was a total disaster for me. I couldn't focus on my work because his words kept echoing in my head.

He was still in love with me . . . kahit na sinasadya ko siyang saktan para matapos na siya sa akin. I said our feelings were shallow. Na ang nararamdaman niya ay nakakatawa at isang biro lang.

I didn't mean that . . . I never would.

Pero imposible na. Kahit gaano pa namin kagustong balikan ang isa't isa, nasubok na kami ng panahon . . . at kahit gaano katindi ang pagmamahalan namin, alam kong hindi kailanman magiging sapat 'yon.

If it was, then we shouldn't have broken up. Mahal din naman namin ang isa't isa noon. Inilaban din naman namin ang isa't isa noon. Nasasaktan . . . pero niyakap din naman namin ang isa't isa noon.

And yet . . . we still failed.

We made the mistake of going against our fate. We disobeyed the laws of nature, and that was our downfall.

Hindi ko dapat hayaang magkamali ulit kami. Kasi siguro nga tama si Mill. The universe has a reason for connecting our paths again, and that reason could be to show us where we went wrong when we loved each other.

Hindi ko alam kung pagsisisihan ko 'to . . . pero sa ngayon, alam kong ito ang tama. A month of his playful antics and sincere efforts to restore what we once shared was more than enough for me to make it through this life.

Tama na siguro 'yon. At least, hindi ang paghihiwalay namin ang huli kong maaalala sa kanya.

Mind over matter, Amari. Letting your heart win means giving him another chance to hurt you.

"I'll go ahead," saad ko sa kanya nang matapos ang trabaho.

Tahimik lang kami buong araw at hindi na rin naman siya sumubok na lapitan ako.

From the documents he was reading, he lifted his head. "Ingat ka."

I nodded. "You too."

Pagkauwi ko no'ng araw na 'yon ay agad kong hinanap sa Facebook si Tita Leah, pero wala namang lumabas na kahit ano. I wanted to ask Shaira what happened because I was sure she knew, but it didn't feel right.

Ayokong malaman sa ibang tao ang pinagdaanan ni Leon . . . pero wala rin naman akong lakas ng loob para matanong nang diretso.

"May number ka ba ni Leon?"

Napatingin ako kay Mill na abalang-abala sa pagta-type sa laptop niya. Kanina pa ako nandito at iyon ang una niyang tanong sa akin.

"Aanhin mo?"

"In case of emergency," sagot niya, ni hindi na lumingon sa akin. "Maganda na ring may contact info ako ng mga nakakasama mo para kapag hindi ka matawagan ay siya ang kakausapin ko."

Ikinunot ko ang noo. "At ano, aarte kang hindi mo siya pinagsalitaan? News flash lang, ha? Minura-mura mo 'yong tao. You can't expect him to do us favors."

Matagal siyang hindi nagsalita kaya akala ko ay tapos na ang usapan naming iyon. She continued typing on her laptop but suddenly stopped midway. Umarko ang kilay ko nang humarap siya sa akin, seryoso ang mukha at tila malalim ang iniisip.

"I-text mo. Itanong mo kung puwede kong makuha ang number niya."

I sighed. "Hindi ka ba nahihiya?"

"He broke his promise to me, nahiya ba siya?" ganti niya. "Sige na. I-text mo na. It's not like I'm gonna swallow him alive or anything."

Umiling lang ako. Baka kung ano pa ang masabi niya sa lalaki. Unang beses nga nilang nagkita at kung ano-ano nang lumabas sa bibig niya. Iyon pa kayang may kakayahan siyang makausap ito sa isang tipa niya lang sa cellphone.

"Amari, i-text mo."

"Eh!" tanggi ko. "Hindi kami close."

"You seem casual to him. Ba't hindi mo na lang gawin?" pangungulit niya pa. "Hindi ko siya kakausapin kung hindi importante. Hindi lang talaga ako makakauwi next month kaya kapag ginabi ka ay hindi kita masusundo."

"At saan ka naman pupunta?"

She rolled her eyes. "Trabaho."

"You'll be busy with your work, and you'll trust me to Leon?" takang tanong ko. "Hinding-hindi ko talaga maiintindihan ang takbo ng utak mo."

"Siya ang nakakasama mo. Ano'ng magagawa ko?"

I frowned. "You scared him! Tapos pababantayan mo 'ko?! May pasabi ka pang huwag akong lapitan! Walk the talk, Mill!"

"Fine!" She breathed deeply. "I just said that to show how much damage he has done to you! I want to hurt him, okay?! I want justice for your fucking swollen eyes every time we had a video call! I want to make fun of him so that I can take revenge for your pain over the years!"

"I don't need to take revenge! And please . . . hindi lang ako 'yong nasaktan!" I closed my eyes for a while to calm myself. "Sinabi ko na sa 'yo, 'di ba? Leon has his reasons. Alam kong naintindihan mo 'yon. Gaya mo, gagawin niya rin ang lahat para sa mga mahal niya."

Tumayo ako nang hindi siya nagsalita.

"I'll cook our dinner. Gawin mo na 'yang trabaho mo at 'wag mo na akong problemahin. I lived on my own abroad for years. I can look after myself now," saad ko. "At saka, ano ba? I know you love me, but getting even is a waste of time, Mill. I've learned, grown up, and accomplished things . . . my successes are my ultimate revenge."

Nang mga sumunod na araw ay hindi naman na ako kinulit ng kaibigan tungkol doon. Siya na rin ang nagluto ng tanghalian ko dahil baka matagalan daw bago siya makauwi kapag nagsimula na ang field work niya at mag-iisa ako sa apartment.

We were back to normal . . . hindi naman ako para magalit sa kanya dahil sa sinabi niya kay Leon. Mga bata pa lang naman kasi kami ay ayaw niya nang may nagpapaiyak sa amin. She sees us as people who can't do anything bad. Kaya kahit kami ang mali ay nakikipag-away siya para sa amin. Ang dahilan niya, kami-kami lang din naman daw ang magkakakampi sa huli.

A tear in our eye could send her over the edge. That was her trigger. She was ready to toss the whole reason out the window just to punish anyone who made us cry.

Seeing my red, puffy eyes on the screen of her laptop may have pained her deeply, especially because she couldn't reach out to me . . . kasi malayo ako at hindi niya alam kung sino ang dapat niyang saktan para sa 'kin. It must've frustrated her.

"Your office reeks of paint," sabi ni Leon habang inilalapag ang mga psychological test ng isang pasyente sa mesa ko. "I could work there until the smell clears up . . . kung gusto mo."

I shook my head. This is his office, and just because I'm not at ease having him around doesn't mean he has to make any adjustments to accommodate my needs. Kung may mag-a-adjust man sa aming dalawa, ako 'yon.

"Thank you for letting me use your office, Mr. Zamora. Let's keep this until things are sorted out."

Tumango siya. "I'll keep you updated."

For the past few days, he has done nothing out of the ordinary. Napansin kong hindi na rin siya umaalis kapag lunch break at mukhang nagbaon na rin siya ng packed lunch niya. He stopped giving me food, but every morning before we started working, he would always bring me coffee. Pansin ko ring hindi umaalis ang sasakyan niya kapag hindi pa ako nakakasakay. I wouldn't assume he was waiting for me.

Sometimes, I would notice he was looking at me. Sa university, kapag nauna siyang matapos sa review ay dadaan siya sa room kung saan ako nagtuturo at panonoorin ako. Kung hindi pa ako titingin sa kanya ay hindi siya magkukunwaring napadaan lang.

"May something ba si Sir Zamora kay Ma'am?" narinig kong tanong ng estudyante sa dalawang kaklase niya. They didn't know that I was behind them. "Iisang batch sila, 'di ba? Summa Cum Laude si Sir tapos Magna Cum Laude si Ma'am. Parehas pang topnotcher."

"Hindi ko lang alam. Parang meron, 'no?" sagot ng kaklase. "Laging nagtatanong si Sir kung tapos na ang klase natin kay Ma'am, eh. Baka magkaibigan?"

"Girl, ang awkward nila bilang friends," tawa ng isa. "Feeling ko nagka-something sila pero naghiwalay at si Sir ang may kasalanan. Mukhang irita si Ma'am sa kanya, eh."

I pursed my lips. I'm not annoyed! This is just my normal face!

"Ang guwapo ni Sir. Parang kahit sampalin niya ako, patatawarin ko pa rin." They laughed. "Same lang kay Ma'am. Isang arko lang ng kilay, feeling ko nababakla ako."

Napailing na lang ako. Siguro ay dapat kong kausapin si Leon para hindi kami pag-chismisan ng mga estudyante. Baka akalaian nilang naglalandian kami at hindi pa kami seryosohin. Our relationship was the last thing that should concern them.

"Jusko! Kung totoong may past sila, ang hot siguro nila noon, 'no?! Imagine, parehas silang mukhang masungit pero soft sila sa isa't isa?! Magkasalubong ang kilay pero magka-holding hands! Magkagalit pero nagki-kiss!"

I cleared my throat loud enough for them to hear. Agad silang napalingon sa likuran at nawalan ng kulay ang mukha nila nang makita ako.

"M-Ma'am!"

I arched my brow. "Since you have a lot of time to chitchat, I assume you've read about our topic in advance?"

Umawang ang labi ng isa. "S-Sorry po, ma'am!"

I breathed deeply. "Make sure you give the board exam the same amount of energy, okay?"

"Yes po, ma'am! Sorry po ulit!"

Tumango na lang ako at nagpatuloy sa paglalakad. Nakita ko pa si Leon na papasok din sa room kung saan siya magtuturo. He looked at my room, but since I wasn't there yet, he just went into his. Ipinagkibit-balikat ko na lang iyon.

Like the other days after the review, we ate in the faculty room at Ms. Lubrica's table. Nauna ring umuwi si Ma'am at tahimik namang naghintay si Leon hanggang makasakay ako. Kahit noong ilang beses pa akong sinundo ni Mill ay hindi siya umaalis hangga't hindi pa kami nakakaalis. Mabuti nga at hindi na siya pinansin ng babae.

I watched as he took a picture of the plate number of the vehicle I was in and then walked back to his car.

He was always like that . . . hindi ko tuloy alam kung tama bang ipagtulakan ko pa siya o ano.

"ABC model of psychology . . ."

Isang beses ay napadaan ako sa room kung saan siya nagtuturo at hindi ko maiwasang mapatigil nang marinig iyon mula sa kanya. He wasn't aware of my presence because his full attention was on his class. Sandali ko kasing iniwan ang klase ko para sana magbanyo.

"A, antecedent. Mga pangyayari sa buhay natin na hindi natin maco-control. B, behavior. Naging ugali o response natin sa antecedent. C, consequence. Resulta ng naging behavior natin."

He walked around, and his students followed him with their gaze.

"Let's say your family had an ugly past. Your father was a gambler, and he left your mother with a lot of debts and no money to feed you and your younger siblings. That's the antecedent," he said. "Behavior, your younger brothers grew up to become drug addicts. Consequence, they went to jail, and now that they're out, no one wants to work with them. No school wants to accept them. They now only have a small store with little to no money coming in."

Tahimik lang ang mga estudyante kaya lalo akong nakapakinig. Something about the example was too familiar to ignore.

"When I was in first year, I was asked which of the antecedent and the behavior was to blame for an ugly consequence."

He moved the bridge of his glasses.

"Ang sagot ko . . . behavior. The antecedent only serves as a catalyst, but in the end, our choice is what matters. Kasi ikaw . . . lumaki ka naman nang maayos, eh. Instead of taking drugs like your siblings did, you helped your mother make ends meet. You didn't just sit around and think about the past; you did something to prevent it from affecting your future."

Muli siyang naglakad pabalik sa mesa niya at tiningnan ang mga estudyante.

"Class, do you agree? Na behavior natin ang dapat sisihin?"

"Yes, sir," they answered in chorus.

Napangiti siya bago dahan-dahang umiling.

"You shouldn't."

Kumunot ang noo ko. I'm sure I've been standing here for a while, but I couldn't help but pay close attention to what he was saying. Tama naman siya. Magkaiba ang naging buhay nila ng mga kapatid niya o . . . magkaiba ang naging buhay ng mga tauhan sa kwento niya.

"One of the girls in my class pointed out that this kind of thinking invalidates coping mechanisms."

My heart clenched when I realized who he was referring to.

"Hindi ko pa naiintindihan 'yon noon. My point back then was that if we had a choice, why pick the wrong one? Why would you risk your future just because you had a bad past?" Muli siyang umiling. "But as I grew up . . . as we grew up, I realized that she had a point. Na hindi lang kasalanan ng mga nakakabata mong kapatid kung bakit sila lumaking ganoon. Why? Because while you and your mother were so busy making money, you neglected to influence and nurture them as children in need of guidance."

"Eh, sir, may point din naman ang argument n'yo. They need to adjust to the situation. Hindi naman po tamang sabihing ayos lang ang ginawa nila. Just because we're in pain doesn't mean we have to add to the misery of others," sabi ng isang estudyante.

Tumango si Leon. "Yes . . . But who are we to tell them that their way of dealing with the problem was wrong? That their reaction to pain wasn't right?"

"But using drugs to cope shouldn't be seen as normal," giit ng estudyante.

"Agree." He nodded again. "Pero kapag may pinagdadaanan ka, are you sure you can make good decisions all the time? That you won't give in to your impulses? That you'll always know what's best for you?"

Humarap siya sa whiteboard at nagsulat ng A at B doon.

"That's why these two are to blame," he said. "We're in the field of psychology. Paano kapag may lumapit sa atin na ganito ang pinagdadaanan? Should we persecute them? Should we tell them they deserve it?" Umiling siya. "No . . . we'll look into their history. We'll try to find out what makes them behave that way. We won't approve of what they did, but we'll understand where it came from."

For some reason, amusement filled my heart. Nalimutan ko yatang magaling siya . . . at ngayong naririnig siyang magsalita nang ganoon ay bumabalik ang dahilan kung bakit niya nakuha ang atensyon ko.

"People's lives are like trees. Antecedents are the roots, behaviors are the branches, and the consequences are the fruits. If a branch produces rotten fruit, instead of cutting it off, you could just uproot it and replant it with a new, stronger tree. Get rid of the overgrown grass around it and water it regularly . . . 'yan ang role natin bilang mental health practitioners. We help people uproot themselves from their bad upbringings. In this way, we show them that it's never too late to start anew."

Pakiramdam ko ay natuto rin ako sa narinig. I never thought about it again over the years. Iyon ang una naming debate . . . at iyon ang unang beses na natalo niya ako. But right now, he was here, teaching and saying, I had a point . . . we both had.

"Sir, sino 'yong girl?" panunukso ng isang estudyante matapos ang mahabang katahimikan. "Si Ma'am Mendoza ba?"

Nagtawanan sila at agad kong naramdaman ang pag-akyat ng dugo sa mukha ko.

"Don't tease me with her . . ." suway ni Leon. "Baka magalit."

"Hala, si Ma'am nga!"

Umiling siya. "Class, turn down your voice. Baka marinig tayo sa kabila."

"Yie . . . takot si Sir!"

Umalis na ako roon bago niya pa malamang huli na ang lahat . . . na narinig ko na ang panunukso sa amin. When I got to the room, my cheeks were all warm. Mabuti at takot sa akin ang mga tinuturuan ko dahil hindi sila nakapagtanong. I just proceeded with what needed to be done.

Naging palaisipan sa akin ang sample situation na binigay ni Leon. If it was based on his experience, then Nash and Nathaniel should be out of jail by now. Ilang taon na rin naman ang lumipas. Mga binata na rin sila. It would be just a little sad if they didn't have a job to pay their bills. Siguro ay tumutulong pa rin si Leon sa kanila.

From: Katana

Mill called me. Tawagan mo 'ko paggising mo.

I got that message the first Saturday after Mill left for her field work. Nagpaplano akong bumisita kina Karsen at Gayle ngayong araw dahil wala naman akong gagawin bukod sa Saturday and Sunday weekly itinerary ko sa public library.

Nakanguso akong nagtipa ng reply sa kaibigan. Panigurado kasing nagsumbong na naman si Mill sa kanya.

To: Katana

Gising na 'ko. Pero kung ano man ang sinabi sa 'yo ni Mill, she's lying.

Bumangon ako at naghanda na sa pagsisimula ng araw. I went for a run and then drank some tea. I also checked if I had any work that was waiting for me, but thankfully, there was none. Natapos ko na ang lesson plan, reviewers, at presentations para sa buong linggo. I had the whole day to myself.

Maliligo na sana ako para maaga akong makapunta sa library nang mag-ring ang cellphone ko. It was, of course, Kat.

"Hello?" Ini-loud speaker ko ang cellphone.

"Pinapatawagan ka sa 'kin ni Mill," bungad niya.

I pulled up a chair and sat there. "Bakit daw?"

"You tell me."

I scoffed. "I'm safe, okay? If she's that worried, she shouldn't have left me here."

"Mari . . ." Sumeryoso ang boses ni Kat. "She said I should talk to you because she wasn't the best person to help you."

Bahagya akong natigilan. "Tulungan saan? I'm okay."

"I don't know. She sounds guilty when she calls me. Nagtalo ba kayo?"

I shook my head. "Hindi."

"Then I'm guessing it's about Leon," she blurted out. "Magkasama kayo sa trabaho, 'di ba? Ano'ng ginawa ni Mill?"

I sighed when I realized what she was referring to. Hindi ko alam na iniisip pa rin iyon ni Mill.

"You know Mill . . ." I sighed as I answered. "She's irrational at times."

"Sinuntok si Leon?"

"No. She just said something . . . really rude."

Narinig ko ang pagbuntong-hininga niya. "Nagalit si Leon?"

Dahan-dahan akong umiling. "I don't think so. Hindi naman nagbago ang pakikitungo niya sa akin sa trabaho." Hindi na lang talaga niya ako nilalapitan . . . which I guessed I asked for. Iyon din naman ang tama.

"Are you okay working with him? Hindi awkward?"

"Awkward," I admitted. "But manageable."

"How do you treat him?"

"Just . . . casually."

"Sinusungitan mo?"

I pursed my lips. "Sometimes."

"I'll take that as always," she muttered.

"Kat, tapos na kami ni Leon. Hindi na dapat siya umaasang magkabalikan kami. I need to keep my distance and make him feel that he no longer has any place in my life," depensa ko. "He still loves me . . . if that helps."

There was a long pause before she spoke again.

"Eh, ikaw?"

I bit my lower lip and shook my head. "Tapos na kami, Kat."

"I understand Mill now." She sighed. "Kaya sinabi niyang hindi ka niya matutulungan kasi parehas kayong matigas na ang puso . . . and she knows that hiding your emotions deep down is no path to joy . . . because she's been doing that for years."

I chuckled. "Matigas ang puso? I'm not. If I am, edi sana hindi ko rin nagustuhan si Kobe para kay Karsen, 'di ba? I supported their relationship."

"Life is short, Mari. Protecting yourself from pain is good, but as you keep your guard up, you also make it harder for happiness to come in," aniya. "I don't know if you're lying about your feelings for Leon, but I hope you figure it out. 'Wag kang gumawa ng bagay na pagsisisihan mo."

I heaved a sigh. "I don't know, Kat. Hindi ko 'to napaghandaan. I thought he'd moved on . . . mas magiging madali sa akin kung ganoon."

"Really? Can you handle the pain of knowing that he doesn't care about you anymore? Can you see him dating another woman?"

I clenched my fist. I don't want to think about it.

"If yes . . . then congratulations." She chuckled softly. "If not . . . think of your choices. Hindi katangahan ang pagpapatawad. And I hope you and Mill live your lives not fearing pain. Kasi parte 'yan ng buhay."

Pumikit ako at inisip ang mga ginawa at patuloy na ginagawa ni Leon para sa akin. Ngayon, naghihintay na lang akong mapagod siya. Kapag nahuhuli ko siyang tumitingin sa akin ay umiiwas lang ako. Hindi ko rin siya kinakausap kung hindi tungkol sa trabaho. I'm just waiting until he gives up . . . but if that happens, I'm not sure what to do next. Hindi ko pa iniisip.

"I miss you, Mari," Kat whispered. "If there's one thing we really regret, it's not being there for you when you needed help."

"Hindi n'yo kasalanan 'yon . . ."

"Be a little more patient with Mill, okay? She worried about you for months when she found out you were alone abroad. Kung may pera lang 'yon, napuntahan ka na no'n," she muttered. "And please, just this once, do what makes you happy. Kapag nasaktan ka ulit . . . we're here to cry with you."

After that call, I felt renewed. Kat has that power. She will make you look at things from different angles, and you won't even realize that she's already getting you to choose happiness.

Ni hindi ko nga napagtantong tama siya . . . na naduduwag lang akong masaktan ulit.

I wonder if my fear of pain is greater than my feelings for Leon.

Kaya ko ba siyang patawarin? I don't know. I'm not even mad at him . . . I'm just scared.

Kaya gusto kong kalimutan niya na ako . . . kasi siguro, natatakot akong unti-unting matunaw ng pagmamahal niya ang ibinalot kong proteksyon sa sarili ko.

Kina Karsen na ako nagtanghalian. Isang oras lang ang tinagal ko dahil may pasok pa si Gayle at dahil si Karsen din naman ang teacher niya, kinailangan nilang bumalik agad sa school. Gayle wanted me to come along because she said I was a doll she wanted to show off to her classmates. Natawa lang ako lalo at muntik na silang ma-late sa pangungulit sa akin ng bata.

I spent the whole afternoon reading at the library. Maraming mga bagong study ang lumalabas at ikinatuwa ko iyon dahil marami akong magagamit na related literature kapag sinimulan ko ang dissertation ko.

"A prominent research institute is conducting experiments on humans to evaluate the efficacy of its medical discoveries," mahinang basa ko. "The institute has been bringing in patients who are abandoned at mental health facilities in the knowledge that no one will care if they die from exposure to chemicals and experim—"

Napatigil ako sa pagbabasa nang marinig ang paghigit ng isang upuan sa mesang katabi ko. I raised my head to see who was there, and when I realize that it was Leon, my heart immediately began to flutter. Nang magtama ang mga mata namin ay wala akong nabasang pagkagulat sa kanya.

"There's no vacant table . . ." sabi niya.

Dahan-dahan akong tumango. Hindi ko naman pagmamay-ari ang library para pagdamutan siyang umupo malapit sa akin.

Katatapos lang siguro ng klase niya. He had his laptop and bag with him. Ayaw niya bang dumiretso na sa kanila para magpahinga? His brain needed a break.

Isinarado ko ang librong binabasa at kumuha ng isa pa. I continued reading, taking note of the page numbers where I found useful information. Ganoon din ang ginawa ni Leon. He wrote down everything he needed in his notebook.

I pursed my lips when I felt the urge to talk to him. Nakakahiya . . . baka isipin niya ay gusto kong makipagbalikan.

"Lagi kang ganitong oras pumupunta rito?" marahang tanong niya bago pa ako makapagsalita.

Something within me seemed to be rejoicing, and I had to swallow hard to calm it. "Oo . . . every weekend. This is the only free time I have."

Nasa screen ng laptop ang atensyon niya pero kapansin-pansin ang pag-angat ng sulok ng labi niya. "And you still study?"

"Ikaw rin naman, ah? You should go home and . . . rest. You're working nonstop." I pinched myself when I realized that it sounded too worried. "I-I mean, ikaw ang bahala."

Hindi ko alam kung bakit kinakabahan ako. Maybe because it's outside our working hours . . . and I'm talking to him about something not related to work. We were being so professional these days that it was a little scary to talk to him like this.

"Nagbaka-sakali lang."

Lalong dinaga ang dibdib ko. "Na?"

Umiling siya. "Na . . . may matututunan akong bago."

I nodded as I dropped my eyes on the book I was reading. Sa totoo lang ay puwede na akong umuwi dahil wala na rin namang pumapasok sa utak ko. Ilang oras na rin kasi akong nagbabasa.

"You can go to your office anytime now," he muttered. "Just tell me and I'll help you transfer your things."

"Okay . . ."

"Lilipat ka na sa Monday?"

I bit my lower lip. "I'll check."

Tumayo ako at inayos na ang mga gamit ko. The longer I stayed here, the more I wanted to sit and talk to him. I wanted to ask about his family, but I felt like I had no right to do so. Gusto ko siyang kumustahin, alamin kung ano ang mga pinagdaanan niya nang hindi ako kasama, tanungin kung ayos lang ba siya at kung ano pang mga plano niya.

But I was scared. I was scared to even admit I still love him. I was scared to know what he'd been through because I might feel the need to be with him again.

"Aalis ka na?" tanong niya. "Magdidilim na. Susunduin ka ba ni Mill?"

I shook my head. "S-She's at work."

Natahimik siya sandali. "Puwede kang . . . ihatid?"

I muttered curses. I hated how soft-spoken he was. I hated that he was so good at me, because it made me feel bad that I'd hurt him. Kahit alam niyang wala na siyang pag-asa sa akin ay patuloy pa rin siya sa pagmamahal at pagtingin sa akin.

I looked into his eyes, and at that moment, I realized how much I missed him. How much my heart yearned to be with him again. How much I wanted to hug him and tell him how painful my life had been. How hard it was to forget him just because he told me to. How scary it was to accomplish many things and still feel like something was missing.

"You look like my college Amari . . ." he said gently.

Kinagat ko ang pang-ibabang labi at huminga nang malalim. My heart was racing because of the realizations that dawned on me.

"Hindi ko alam ang sinasabi mo," kinakabahang sabi ko.

"What's in your head just now? Your favorite book? Lipstick? Kare-kare?" He chuckled. "Because you can't be thinking about me when you look like that."

Kahit nagwawala ang dibdib ko ay tinaasan ko siya ng kilay. "L-Look like what?"

His eyes glistened. "Like you miss me."

I glared at him to cover up my feelings. "You're dreaming."

He nodded slowly. "Yeah . . ."

Sari-saring emosyon ang nananalaytay sa dugo ko. Why I'm talking to him . . . I don't know. I've been avoiding him quite well. Pero dahil sa nangyayari ngayon, parang bumalik na naman ako sa una. Sa dami ng iniisip ko, sa mga salita ni Kat, sa presensya ni Leon . . . parang binigyan ako ng tapang ng mundo. Parang naipaalala sa akin ang mga natutunan ko nang mag-isa.

It's like a never-ending tug of war between us . . . but right now, I don't care who wins anymore.

"Ano'ng tinutunganga mo pa d'yan? Ihahatid mo ba 'ko o hindi?" tanong ko. "Also, tell someone to repaint my office. I like the dark brown along the edges."

I'm still scared, but I'm never a coward.

And if slowly destroying my defenses is the price I have to pay to let happiness in, then so be it. I'd rather risk the pain of opening myself up to love than the safety of keeping myself closed off.