Chapter 31

Hindi ako nakatulog nang gabing 'yon kaiisip kung ano ang ibig niyang sabihin. I tried to think of my conversation with Paolo, but all I remembered was that he said Leon hadn't moved on from me yet . . . which didn't make sense.

Sinabi ni Leon na kalimutan ko siya. Wala kaming naging balita sa isa't isa sa mga nagdaang taon! He had changed! I have changed! Imposibleng mahal niya pa 'ko kahit na wala naman siyang inaasahan sa akin.

I mean, he couldn't have possibly waited for me, right? He hadn't seen me for years.

Pero . . . kung 'yon nga ang ibig niyang sabihin, siguro nabulag lang siya sa ganda ng pinagsamahan namin noon. Maybe he hadn't moved on from our memories . . . pero sa 'kin, tapos na siya.

"Mari, kumain na tayo," saad ni Mill nang buksan niya ang pinto ng kwarto. "First day mo pa lang pero parang pagod ka na, ah?"

Nagbuntong-hininga ako bago siya samaan ng tingin. "May iniisip kasi ako! Hindi ka lang makaka-relate kasi hindi naman uso sa 'yo 'yon!"

Bumangon ako at mabilis na ipinusod ang buhok. Narinig ko pa ang mabilis na pagtawa ng babae kaya sinundan ko na siya palabas ng kusina. Ni hindi ko na siya nasamahang mag-workout dahil sa iniisip.

Chicken adobo ang niluto niya. Nasa tupperware na rin ang packed lunch namin. Talagang naihanda niya na lahat.

"Kasama ko si Leon sa trabaho," kaswal na sabi ko habang sumasandok ng kanin.

Naramdaman kong natigilan siya. From the corner of my eye, I even saw her putting down her fork and turning to glance at me.

"Leon na ex mo?" paninigurado niya.

I shrugged. "Yup."

Humigit ako ng upuan at inilagay ang pinggan ko sa mesa. Ganoon din ang ginawa ni Mill. She sat in front of me, her brows furrowed. Parang anumang oras ay bubungangaan niya ako.

"Kasama ko rin siyang magre-review sa graduating students," dagdag ko.

"Kaya ka puyat?" tanong niya. "Astig mo, ah? Talagang sinundan mo kung saan nagtatrabaho?"

Namilog ang mga mata ko.

"Excuse me? Hindi ko siya sinundan, 'no! Sa VDMH ko talaga balak magtrabaho!" depensa ko. "Malay ko bang maganda na ang posisyon niya ro'n? At saka . . . hindi naman ako makakatanggi kay Ms. Lubrica sa review! Ang bait-bait no'n sa 'kin!"

She narrowed her eyes at me. "Affected ka?"

"Hindi!"

"Saulong-saulo ko na 'yan, Amari Sloane," nailing ngunit may ngisi sa labing aniya.

"Hindi naman talaga!" I insisted. "May sinabi lang siya sa 'kin kahapon kaya napapaisip ako . . . pero wala naman 'yon! Hindi importante!"

Her brows arched. "Mabait si Leon, pero hindi ko gusto ang pag-iwan sa 'yo."

I dropped my eyes to the food. "Well, technically, pinaalis ko siya."

"Dahil may mali siyang ginawa," sagot niya. "I don't expect him to be perfect, but given his intelligence, I expect him to make better decisions."

Hindi ako nakasagot doon. Iyon din kasi ang sinabi ni Leon sa akin isang buwan matapos naming maghiwalay noon.

"Pero . . ."

Napaangat ako ng tingin sa kaibigan. She just looked at her food and pushed it around on her plate, as if she was thinking about something.

Nagbuntong-hininga siya. "Alam kong pagsisisihan kong sinabi ko 'to, pero may mga pagkakataon talagang kahit gaano katalino ang isang tao, kapag 'yong mahal na nila sa buhay ang pinag-uusapan, natatanga."

Umawang ang labi ko. She sounded very serious.

"We have strengths, but we also have our limits. And maybe . . ." She put down her spoon and turned her attention to me. "The universe has a reason for connecting your paths again."

Nagtagal ang mata ko sa kanya. She didn't sound like the cynical and sarcastic Mill I knew.

"Hindi mo naman sinasabing . . . makipagbalikan ako sa kanya, 'di ba?" dahan-dahang saad ko.

Pairap niyang ibinalik ang tingin sa pagkain. "Ano'ng magagawa ko? Halata namang mahal mo pang tanga ka."

My heart hammered in my chest. "Hindi ko na nga mahal si Leon!"

"You still love him, believe me," she insisted. "Distracted ka lang nitong mga nagdaang taon kaya akala mo ay wala na."

"Millicent Rae!" I cried out in despair. "You're not helping!"

"Magtatatlong dekada na ako sa buhay mo, Mari. Tingin mo ba hindi ko napapansin ang pagbabago sa mukha mo kapag nababanggit namin ang pangalan ng gagong 'yon? Lalo ngayong magsasama na naman kayo! Kaunting pag-uusap lang, tamo, ulol na ulol ka na naman d'yan."

I stomped my feet. "Hindi nga!"

"Pustahan, ano?"

"At ano? Peperahan mo pa 'ko!"

She chuckled sarcastically, shaking her head as she did. "See? If you're confident, that's easy."

Sama ng loob ang inumagahan ko. I defended my feelings like my life depended on it. I don't love Leon anymore! I wasn't just distracted! Hindi ko na talaga siya mahal! After all these years, I was sure I hadn't kept him in my heart! I . . . shouldn't!

Kaya ko pa naman sinabi kay Mill na makakasama ko ulit si Leon ay para maipaalala niya sa akin ang dahilan ng paghihiwalay namin! I needed her bitterness, not her subtle conviction that I hadn't moved on yet! I needed her to be irrational, not to be some clone of Katana!

Parang kakawala ang puso sa dibdib ko nang makarating ako sa VDMH. It was just a typical morning, with some of the patients roaming around the garden with their nurses. Even though it was early in the day, the sun was already warm enough that some were lounging under the canopy of the little trees.

May mangilan-ngilang kagaya ko na papasok pa lang sa establishment at mayroon namang mga palabas na, siguro ay tapos na ang shift.

I dressed as intimidatingly as I could. White corporate dress, gold necklace and stud earrings, and white Louboutin heels. Para lang hindi halatang kinakabahan ako.

I made my way to Leon's office. Now I'm not sure if sharing a room with him is a good idea. Iniisip ko pa lang na maghapon kaming magkasama ay parang gusto ko nang tumakbo pauwi. Hindi pa nakatulong na nababagabag ako sa sinabi ni Mill!

Pagkarating ko roon ay hindi na ako nagulat nang siya agad ang nakita ko. He was sitting on his swivel chair, pinching the middle of his lower lip while flipping some documents over on his table. Kunot ang noo niya at dahil sa suot na salamin ay lalo siyang nagmukhang seryoso.

I cleared my throat, instantly drawing his attention to me. The crease in his forehead deepened as our gazes connected, his fingers letting go of his lower lip.

Pasimple ko pang kinurot ang sarili nang tumayo siya at naglakad palapit sa akin, hakab na hakab sa dibdib at balikat ang kulay abong polo na nakatupi hanggang siko. His black pants hung over his waist and covered the hem of his polo. His hair was disheveled but styled, exuding an air of command.

As if that weren't enough, his deep, dark eyes traveled over my entire body, making me shiver all the way up to my spine.

"Good morning," malalim ang boses na aniya.

I forced myself to keep my head up, ignoring the creeping tension in my core. "Good morning."

He licked his lower lip, slightly biting it in the process. "I've set up a table and a swivel chair inside. Wala ka pa namang masyadong gagawin ngayon. Just . . . familiarize."

Tumingin ako sa paligid. We were outside his main office, the one with the couches that seemed to be the lounge area.

"Hindi ba ako puwede rito?" tanong ko.

"No," mariing pagtanggi niya.

My brow arched. "Bakit hindi?"

A ghost of a smile flashed across his lips, but it vanished as soon as he tilted his head. "You're a psychologist, and I'm the psychometrician assigned to you. Mas tamang tingnan kung nasa loob ka."

Pinagkrus ko ang braso sa dibdib at tinitigan siya. He looked like he was enjoying himself or something! May nakakatawa ba?!

"How will things work if I have a patient or client?" I managed to ask. "Kapag magkasama tayo sa loob . . . ano 'yon? Makikinig ka sa counseling session? Sa talk therapy?"

"I'll go outside."

I scoffed. "And postpone your work?"

Huminga siya nang malalim. "Then I'll be the one working here. You can have my table. Ililipat ko na lang 'yong isang nilagay ko sa loob."

My lips parted. That's not what I mean! Ako ang lilipat dito sa labas!

"That's your office, Mr. Zamora," I said, trying to get him to see my point.

"Our office . . ." The corners of his mouth curled slightly. "For the time being."

Nag-iwas ako ng tingin sa kanya lalo at naramdaman ko ang muling pagsikdo ng kaba sa dibdib ko. We were just having a casual conversation . . . why the fuck was my heart racing like this?!

Bwisit kasi! Bakit niya ba sinabi pa sa akin ang tungkol kay Paolo! He just made things more awkward for us!

"Aayusin ko na," kuha niya sa atensyon ko.

I looked back at him and just slowly nodded to end our conversation. "I'll help."

"No need. Just sit there on the couch, stay clean, and . . ." He took a deep breath, his eyes gleaming as he stared closely at me. "Pretty."

Napakurap ako. "H-Huh?"

Kinagat niya ang pang-ibabang labi at marahang umiling. "Wala . . . maupo ka na lang."

I didn't say another thing . . . I wasn't able to. I nervously sat on the couch and pulled out my cellphone as a way to distract myself.

'Wag kang mag-isip ng kahit ano, Amari. If you entertain your thoughts, you'll be damned again. You've moved on, okay? Don't listen to anyone else but yourself.

"You want something to drink?" narinig ko pang tanong niya pero hindi na ako nag-angat ng tingin.

I chewed the insides of my cheeks. "You're not my secretary, Mr. Zamora."

"Kung may . . . gusto ka lang."

"Wala," tipid na sagot ko.

"Oh . . . okay."

It was so uncomfortable that I didn't think my heart would survive. Mabuti nga at mabilis niyang nailipat ang mesa at upuan. Miski ang mga gamit niya ay nailagay niya agad sa isang kahon. I was trying hard not to watch him do all that. Nakakahiya. Pakiramdam ko ay pulang-pula ang mukha ko.

Pero . . . hindi dapat ako ang mahiya! Siya 'tong kung ano-ano ang sinasabi!

"11-12 ang lunchbreak natin. We can eat in the cafeteria or . . . outside. Kung saan mo gusto," he said. "Do you think an hour is long enough?"

Umarko ang kilay ko. "We?"

Ano, sabay kami?! Bakit, kaibigan ko ba siya?!

He stiffened. "I mean . . . you."

Nagkibit-balikat na lang ako. "An hour is enough, and I don't need to go anywhere because I'll stay here."

Tumayo ako at naglakad na papasok ng opisina.

"You'll not skip lunch, Ms. Mendoza," pahabol na saad niya pa.

I pursed my lips. "I brought my food."

Hindi na siya sumagot. Inilagay ko ang gamit sa mesa ko . . . na dating mesa niya. I didn't bring much. Just my necessities. Saka ko na lang siguro gagawing "Amari Sloane vibe" ang table ko kapag nakalipat na ako sa opisina ko.

Binuksan ko ang isang drawer doon para sana ilagay ang memo pad ko nang makita ang nakataob na picture frame — the one he put away before my interview started.

"May natira ka pang gamit dito," may kalakasan ang boses na saad ko dahil nasa labas siya.

Hindi ko alam kung ano ang pumasok sa utak niya at talagang magkatapat na magkatapat ang mesa namin. If I left the door open, we could literally see each other.

"What's that?" he asked as he marched toward me.

"Frame."

His eyes widened a fraction, but he kept his composure. Pumunta siya sa gilid ng swivel chair na inuupuan ko at halos mapapikit ako sa pagdampi ng amoy niya sa ilong ko. Ni hindi ko man lang nakita kung sino ang nasa picture dahil naabala ako ng bango niya.

"Don't close the door. Walang aircon sa labas. Let the cool air circulate."

It was an emotionally exhausting morning for me. I looked over everything I was responsible for and noticed that the job description mentioned that every psychologist had an accompanying psychometrician, and in my case, it was Leon.

He was in charge of administering tests and making written notes in the medical record so that I would know how referrals were going. Siya rin ang magre-report sa akin ng status ng magiging inpatients namin.

Wala naman masyadong pinagkaiba ang trabaho ko sa PAI. Only that I didn't have a psychometrician to work for me there.

Dahil walang ginagawa ay hindi ko maiwasang mapatingin kay Leon na seryosong-seryoso ngayon sa trabaho niya. I was starting to wonder how he balanced his roles as a chief human resources officer, a psychometrician, and a part-time college professor.

Hindi pa rin siya nagbabago. Not one second of his time was wasted. Mula Lunes hanggang Linggo ay may trabaho siya.

How does he handle his relationships and social interactions? Paano si . . . Tita? Ang mga kapatid niya? Ang . . . girlfriend niya? How does he fit them into his schedule?

So, while I was busy in Italy, he was busy here as well. Obviously, we both had a lot on our plates. Parang . . . kagaya lang ng dati. Hindi kami masyadong nagpapahinga dahil gusto naming kumita ng pera.

Even his wardrobe improved. Puro bago at branded na ang mga damit niya. Hindi na siya para magtyaga sa ukay at palengke. Hindi niya na rin para ulit-uliting isuot ang luma niyang sapatos. Each time I saw him, he was sporting a nice pair of shoes from well-known designers.

I wonder how Tita Leah is. She must be over the moon for her son. Kahit nga akong hindi nakasama ni Leon sa pag-abot ng mga pangarap niya . . . just seeing how far he'd come filled me with pride.

We did what we set out to do, right? Not together . . . but at least.

Those fresh graduates, Leon and Amari, who were having a hard time then, would be very proud of us now. From having very little to none to establishing a name for ourselves . . . we sure came a long way.

Hindi ako nakaiwas nang biglang mag-angat si Leon ng tingin sa akin. The second our gazes met, I felt a tug deep within me — something I thought had vanished into the mists of time, something I thought I had forgotten about.

What we had wasn't shallow. It penetrated so deeply into my being that even now, its roots are in the softest area of my heart.

Tumayo siya at naglakad palapit sa puwesto ko. I didn't move a muscle. I just stared at him, and a whole chapter of my life flashed before my eyes.

The sweet and cheap dates, the snuggles, the coffee breaks, the stolen glimpses in class, and the overall warmth of our relationship had given me.

"Come on," marahang sabi niya nang makalapit sa akin. "I'll tour you around the hospital."

Walang salitang tumayo rin ako. Inipon ko ang nakalugay na buhok at inilagay iyon sa kaliwang balikat ko.

I saw his gaze drift down to my neck. Tumikhim siya bago nag-iwas ng tingin sa akin.

Nauna siyang lumabas kaya sumunod lang ako. He began to explain each departmental function and introduced me to other psychologists, psychometricians, psychiatrists, and nurses. Ipinakita niya rin sa akin ang opisina ko na kasalukuyang pinipinturahan at nilalagyan ng aircon.

Dahil nasa industrial at clinical department siya ay hindi imposibleng kilala siya ng lahat ng employee. He carried himself with the utmost professionalism, earning the respect of those around him.

"Where are the interns?" tanong ko nang pabalik na kami sa opisina niya.

Binuksan niya ang pinto. "In the same room as the nurses. Why?"

"I didn't see Paolo."

Bahagyang napaawang ang labi ko nang pairap siyang tumingin sa akin. "Bakit mo hinahanap?"

I hesitated a bit because he looked annoyed. "Uhm . . . dahil siya lang 'yong kilala ko rito?"

"And me?"

"Kilala rin . . . syempre." Tumikhim ako. "Pero bakit naman kita hahanapin kung kasama kita?"

Naglakad siya patungo sa mesa niya kaya humakbang na rin ako papunta sa akin.

"Ms. Mendoza, are we done talking?" masungit na sabi niya.

Sighing, I leaned against the main office's door and turned around to face him. I crossed my arms over my chest to intimidate him, but he seemed to be taking the situation so seriously that he didn't even flinch.

"Ano?" tapang-tapangan na saad ko.

He frowned. "Why do you want to see Paolo?"

"Pake mo ba?"

Lalong nagsalubong ang kilay niya. "Do you like him?"

Umahon ang inis sa dibdib ko. "Again . . . ano'ng pake mo?"

"Did you stay in touch with him?" pagtatanong niya ulit na parang hindi ako narinig.

Inirapan ko siya. "We're not having this personal conversation, Mr. Zamora."

"Is he trying to cou—"

I turned my back on him, cutting him off. Dumiretso ako sa mesa ko kahit na ramdam ko ang nanunusok na tingin niya sa akin. My heart beat faster than it should because he sounded jealous . . . and at the back of my head, I knew I liked the rush it gave me.

Naramdaman kong nag-vibrate ang cellphone ko kaya pasimple kong sinilip iyon.

From: Mr. Zamora

Lunch break na. What do you want to eat?

Kumunot ang noo ko. God . . . he was just mad three minutes ago!

To: Mr. Zamora

I have food nga.

Ibinaba ko ang cellphone para tingnan siya. Ang mata niya ay nakatutok lang sa screen ng cellphone niya at kahit may malaking distansya sa pagitan namin ay alam kong nagtatagis ang bagang niya sa galit.

I pouted. Galit naman talaga . . . bakit nag-iinarteng mabait sa text?

From: Mr. Zamora

Dessert?

To: Mr. Zamora

Stop bugging me. This isn't related to work.

From: Mr. Zamora

I'm sorry.

Hindi pa ako nakakapag-reply ay nag-text na ulit siya.

From: Mr. Zamora

I'll bring you ice cream because I'm sorry.

Pakiramdam ko ay mawawalan ako ng dugo sa kanya. Kahit nang makaalis siya ay nagngingitngit ako sa inis.

Naisahan niya 'ko! And what game is he trying to play?! Ano 'to . . . ligawan stage?! He was up to something again! Alam na alam ko ang mga padali niyang ganito! Lagi na lang siyang concerned sa pagkain ko na parang siya ang may-ari ng bituka ko! Sa ganito niya ako nakuha noon . . . at hindi puwedeng makuha niya ulit ako sa kaartehan niya ngayon!

I ate my lunch angrily. Naubos ko ang kanin at ang maanghang-anghang na luto ni Mill ng adobo. I was still hungry after that, so when Leon brought me another rice meal and ice cream, I ate it all up.

Mukhang tuwang-tuwa naman ang lalaki sa nangyari dahil maghapong hindi natanggal ang maliit na maliit na ngiti niya. Mabuti nga at pinatawag siya dahil hindi ko kakayanin kung matatapos talaga ang araw ko nang siya ang nakikita ko!

From: Mr. Zamora

You went home already?

Hindi ko siya nireplyan. Huh! Ano siya sinuswerte?! Siya na nga ang kasama ko maghapon tapos gusto niya pa ay textmates kami hanggang gabi?!

At isa pa . . . nalimutan niya ba ang dahilan kung bakit kami naghiwalay? Does he think I'll accept him just because years have gone by?

From: Mr. Zamora

Good night, Ms. Mendoza. I'll see you tomorrow.

From: Mr. Zamora

Good morning, Ms. Mendoza. Take care.

But . . . how?! How the fuck would I work and function normally if I had to start and end my day with his messages?!

From: Mr. Zamora

May kare-kare dito. Hindi ko pa binibili kasi baka nagsasawa ka na.

To: Mr. Zamora

I have food. Just how many times do I have to explain this?

From: Mr. Zamora

You're eating it though.

To: Mr. Zamora

I've gained 4 pounds and it's only been two weeks, Mr. Zamora! Feeding me is not a part of your job!

Needless to say, my first full month of working at VDMH was a disaster. Leon clearly had moved on from being friendly with me, because he was openly being flirty! Ni hindi na siya nag-iiwas ng tingin kapag nagtatama ang tingin namin! Hindi na rin siya naiilang kapag tinatarayan ko siya!

And it bothered me even more that he was right! I ate everything he gave me because I didn't want to waste it, and it was delicious! As if he knew what the best meal for me was!

Kahit tuloy may dala akong pagkain ay hinihintay ko pa rin ang dadalhin niya sa akin. In the third week, he went so far as to pack our lunches himself. Dalawang beses tuloy akong kumakain!

"Let's go."

Nagbuntong-hinga agad ako nang marinig ang boses niya. "Hindi naman ako sasabay sa 'yo."

"Rush hour na. You'll be late . . . at baka masikip sa bus. You'll sweat."

"Sweating is a part of our lives, Mr. Zamora," I said as I stood up. "At isa pa, dahil first day, hindi naman mahaba ang lecture. I'm sure I'll have enough time to finish the review."

Hindi ko na siya hinintay na makasagot pa dahil sa huli, baka pumayag lang ako na sumabay na sa kanya.

It was the first day of review, and we only had two hours of class time to get through everything. Alas sais hanggang alas otso ng gabi ang itatagal noon. Theories of Personality ang una naming ituturo at na-i-email na rin ni Ms. Lubrica ang room number kung saan ako naka-assign.

I waited for a bus, a cab, or just about anything to take me to the university, but it appeared that Leon was right . . . rush hour na at mahihirapan talaga akong makasakay.

Namuo ang pawis ko sa noo kaya marahang pinunasan ko iyon ng panyo ko. I'm sure I made the right choice by deciding not to go with Leon, right? First day pa lang naman . . . baka maintindihan nila kapag na-late ako.

I sighed. Pagiging late na yata talaga ang magiging trademark ko sa mundo.

My cellphone beeped, and although I didn't want to check it, I knew I had to because it might be something important or urgent.

From: Mr. Zamora

Text me when you stop giving in to your pride. I'll be waiting.

From: Mr. Zamora

And stop pouting.

Lalo lang akong napanguso. I looked off to the side and immediately saw his car. Sinamaan ko iyon ng tingin kahit na heavily tinted ang windshield noon.

He sure tried hard to beat me, didn't he? Gusto niyang makita sa mukha ko na talo ako dahil ang tanging choices ko lang ay ang ma-late o sumabay sa kanya. And of course, he knew I couldn't bear to be late for this! Nakakahiya kay Ms. Lubrica!

To: Mr. Zamora

Fine, but don't say anything funny.

As if on cue, he started driving in my direction and pulled up in front of me. Nakasimangot akong nagbukas ng pinto dahil hinayaan na naman ng mundo na siya ang manalo.

Pagkapasok ko pa lang sa loob ay sumalubong na sa akin ang bango ng sasakyan niya. His car was not fancy or made by a renowned manufacturer, but he took great care to keep it spotless. It wasn't so surprising though . . . malinis naman kasi talaga siya.

Walang imik niyang ini-adjust ang slider ng aircon para itapat sa akin. He also grabbed his bag from the back seat, opened it, and took out a gradient of soft yellow, blue, and purple . . . scrunchie?

Iniabot niya iyon sa akin bago muling inilagay ang bag sa likod.

I held the scrunchie tightly. Bakit siya may ganito? Was he trying to tell me that he was dating someone? Hindi naman naggaganito si Tita! At saka, kung may girlfriend pala siya, dapat ay hindi niya na ako hinaharot! He was sending me mixed signals again! Mabuti na lang talaga at isinasarado ko na ang puso ko para sa posibilidad na magkabalikan kami!

"Stop having those inner monologues and just ask me," he said, breaking off the silence.

"Wala akong tanong," agad na sagot ko. "At ayokong mag-ipit! Iyo na 'yang panali mo ng buhok."

Inilagay ko ang scrunchie sa glove compartment niya.

"Pinagpapawisan ka." Sumulyap siya sa akin habang nagmamaneho. "Some of your hair is sticking in your neck."

So? Hindi ko pa rin gagamitin ang ipit ng iba, 'no!

"Ayaw mo ng kulay?" tanong niya pa. "I thought you'd like it because those are the colors you usually use on your clients' eyes."

Natigilan ako. "What are you saying?"

"Dati . . ." His eyes were on the road.

"Ano?"

"You like those colors," he said. "Even your highlighters are yellow, light blue, or pastel purple . . ."

I clenched my fist in my lap. "I don't have a particular favorite color, Mr. Zamora."

"You liked them before . . . trust me." He chuckled. "Now, you're into monochromes, golds, and browns."

Tumingin na lang ako sa labas. I had no idea what he was talking about, but I did know that there were yellow, light blue, and pastel purple highlighters on my table in his office. Hindi ko lang alam na pati iyon ay . . . napapansin niya. Ni hindi ko iyon napapansin sa sarili ko.

"Sige na, magtali ka na ng buhok. I bought it in case you needed it."

He was making me fall in love with him again. I was sure of that. He was doing all these things to win me back.

I had to stay grounded. Baka magkasakitan lang ulit kami. The more I prolong his feelings, the more I prolong his pain. And that would be a vicious cycle. Wala na dapat kaming asahan sa isa't isa. I could live my life thinking he was with someone. I could go on with my life not giving a shit about him.

Kahit alam kong mayroon pa rin akong natitirang pagmamahal para sa kanya . . . hindi ko dapat hayaang pangunahan ako ng damdamin ko.

"You told me we should forget about each other . . ." I whispered, eyes still on the road. "And I did."

There was a long silence between us. Naramdaman ko ang unti-unting pagbagal ng sasakyan at maya maya'y pagpatay niya sa makina.

We were now in the university's parking lot, but no one was getting out of the car, as if we had all the time in the world.

"Wala naman akong sinabing kakalimutan kita."

My chest tightened up from the pain and the suppressed . . . happiness.

"At hangga't hindi pa 'ko nauubos, hangga't wala pang iba, hangga't natitiis mo pa 'ko . . ." He looked at me, the longing in his eyes clear to see. "Sana hayaan mong ipaalala ko muna sa 'yo."