Chapter 29

We were engulfed by an awkward silence.

Hindi ko siya magawang kumustahin. My mind was all screwed up. He talked to me casually . . . and he watched the live stream! At talagang nagkataon pa na mukha ko ang nakabalandra doon! It must be a coincidence . . . or maybe it just happened to show up in his newsfeed. Wala namang rason para sadyain niyang panoorin iyon.

I didn't know he had social media accounts already. Hindi naman kasi siya kasali sa group chat naming magkakaklase. Isa pa, I didn't look up his name on any social media platform. Gaya ng sabi ko, matagal-tagal na rin noong huli siyang dumaan sa isip ko.

So, being in the Philippines and hearing people talk about him kind of made me think of him from time to time. Ewan ko ba. Parang pilit ipinapaalala ng mga tao sa paligid ko na minsan siyang naging parte ng buhay ko.

"Mari, hi!"

Nakuha ni Ms. Lubrica ang atensyon ko. She closed the door behind her with a huge smile on her face.

"Sorry, medyo na-late. May isinubmit lang ako sa dean's office," aniya pa habang naglalakad patungo sa mesa sa unahan.

Despite the tension building in my core, I smiled at her.

"Nice seeing you again, ma'am."

Mabini siyang tumawa. "It's my pleasure, madame."

My smile turned into a soft laugh. She then turned to face Leon, and I had to fight the urge to follow her gaze.

"Kanina ka pa?" tanong niya sa lalaki.

"No, ma'am," he replied, his voice clear and deep, just like how I remembered it.

Tumango-tango si Ms. Lubrica. "Okay, lapit kayo rito. You don't have to sit across from each other because we're not going to have lessons, you know." She chuckled but stopped midway. "Oh, Mari . . . will that be alright?"

I breathed deeply, trying to kill the pressure within me. Tumayo ako at walang pagdadalawang-isip na pumunta sa unahan.

"Of course, ma'am," I said confidently as I pulled up a chair in front of her table.

"If that's the case, I must have asked the wrong person . . ." Sumilip siya sa puwesto ni Leon. "Ikaw? Will you be comfortable?"

Hindi ko binigyan ng kahulugan ang sinabi niya. She was aware of our past relationship because of that silly drawing Leon did on a personality test. At syempre, sa pag-akto namin ngayon, imposibleng hindi niya malaman na hiwalay na kami.

Narinig ko ang pagtawa ni Ma'am kahit na hindi naman sumagot ang lalaki. From my peripheral vision, I could see him pulling up a chair in front of the table, and just making sure that there was a distance between us.

Naamoy ko agad ang pamilyar na bango niya. That manly, crisp, but fresh scent.

I could remember waking up to that smell . . . the only thing he left behind for me to remember him before.

"I wouldn't beat around the bush," Ms. Lubrica said. "The board exam for psychometricians is approaching, and I'd like you to review our graduating students because we want to produce more students like you two."

Napakurap ako. "But . . . I'm leaving in six days, ma'am."

"Babalik ka sa Italy?" She looked like she was taken aback. "You're not here for good?"

"Pinag-iisipan ko pa po," pag-amin ko. "I actually want to start a career here, but I've grown to love working in Italy, so I'm a little confused."

"Mari, trust me. You're a big deal already. Ikaw ang hahabul-habulin dito," saad niya.

Kinagat ko ang pang-ibabang labi. In fact, a lot of companies and clinics had sent me emails and messages, but I kept ignoring them because if I were to work here, I would choose VDMH, where the environment was healthy.

Isa pa . . . hindi rin talaga ako sigurado. The only reason I didn't tell anyone why I intended to work here was that I wanted to feel something again.

"I'm sure she has made a name in Italy as well, ma'am," biglang sabi ni Leon.

Napatingin ako sa kanya. He had a serious look on his face, and his eyes were fixed on Ms. Lubrica.

"I know, okay?"

Huminga ako nang malalim at muling ibinalik ang atensyon sa unahan.

What does he mean by that? Alam niya bang maayos na ang buhay ko ro'n o ayaw niya lang na tanggapin ko ang offer dahil ayaw niya akong makatrabaho?

"Our students are unmotivated to review, and this is the only way I can get them to do it." Ms. Lubrica heaved a sigh. "Maraming nag-enroll sa BS Psychology dito pagkatapos n'yong maka-graduate. The admins were expecting these students to not only pass the board exam but also follow your steps, pero so far . . . wala pa."

Tumikhim ako. "Ma'am, all students have different levels of intelligence. They should make their own paths, not follow ours."

She nodded. "Alam ko . . . pero ngayon, kinukwestyon ng admins ang credibility ng ibang teachers. Only Leon was spared."

"Spared?" I asked, a bit surprised. "He's teaching here?"

"Part-time, yes." She glanced at him. "Every weekend, actually. Katatapos lang ng klase niya kanina. He's handling four sections."

Parang wala ang lalaki sa paligid dahil hindi naman siya nagsalita. I didn't bother to look at him because that was just an irrelevant piece of information. Nagulat lang talaga ako. I never pictured him standing in front of a class, teaching.

"Well, I have to think about it, ma'am. Hindi pa rin po kasi talaga ako sigurado sa mga plano ko," sabi ko.

Ngumuso siya. "Ikaw ba, Leon?"

"I'll accept, ma'am," tipid na sagot nito.

"Hindi ka naman na mahihirapang mag-adjust. The students know you already," she said. "And Mari, kung tatanggapin mo ang offer, know that the students will be divided into two batches. Ikaw ang magre-review sa isa at si Leon naman sa isa. Same schedule but different rooms, of course."

Tumango na lang ako. Hindi ko talaga alam. I wanted to help Ms. Lubrica because she was like a mother to me and was one of the reasons I became more interested in psychology. Kaya lang, paano naman ang trabaho ko sa Italy? Shall I quit?

"I guess I'll just wait for your confirmation?"

"Yes, ma'am," sagot ko.

"Okay, then . . . thank you for giving me time. I know you're both busy, so this means a lot to me." She took a deep breath and stood up. "Leon, ikaw na ang bahalang magsarado ng classroom, ha? And Mari . . ." she trailed off, "I hope to see you again."

Ibinalik ko ang upuan sa dating puwesto nito. Nauna nang lumabas si Ms. Lubrica ng classroom dahil may tatapusin pa raw siyang lesson plan. It's Saturday so I think her classes are over . . . same goes with Leon.

There comes the awkward silence again. Pilit kong ikinakalma ang sarili dahil wala namang rason para kabahan ako. I mean, I imagined seeing him and having a casual conversation with him. Sigurado naman kasi akong wala na kaming pakialam sa isa't isa.

Also, he might be in a relationship now. With Psyche, perhaps. He tutored her privately. Who knows what happens behind closed doors, right? And if he's happy with her, then that's . . . great. The girl is beautiful and well-off. Probably the perfect girl for him.

"About the live . . ." he said, drawing my attention to him.

My heart hammered, but I didn't let the tension show on my face. Tumingin ako sa kanya. Nagtaas din ako ng kilay habang naghihintay sa susunod niyang sasabihin.

He looked away as he aligned the chairs. "It was just a cropped clip that randomly showed up in my news feed. Pinanood ko lang. Hindi ko alam na nandoon ka."

Okay, question answered. That made more sense than just assuming that he watched it for me.

Nagkibit-balikat ko. "The explanation is not needed, but thank you for that."

Naglakad ako papunta sa pinto. There was no way I'd stay here for another minute. He felt suffocating to be with. Hindi kasi ako nakapaghanda ng pagkikita namin dito. I thought that if I ran into him again, it would be because of Shaira, Thaddeus, or one of our classmates. Wala naman kasing ibang nagkokonekta sa amin bukod doon.

"Don't feel pressured to accept the offer," pahabol niya pa bago ako makalabas. "I think you'll do better in Italy."

I chuckled sarcastically. Malakas ang kutob kong ayaw niya akong makatrabaho. Siguro nga ay tama ang sinasabi nina Zoey na lumalayo siya kapag naririnig ang pangalan ko. I wonder what I ever did to him. It wasn't like I broke up with him for nothing.

"Again, the opinion is not needed . . . but thank you for that."

Hindi ko na siya hinintay na makapagsalita pa. Lumabas na ako ng silid at diretsong naglakad papunta sa gate.

"I'll do better in Italy?" I whispered to myself. "Huh! I'll do better everywhere!"

Sino ba siya para magbigay ng opinyon sa buhay ko? We just saw each other, and his suggestion was that I fly back to the country where our breakup took place? He must be nuts! Para namang hindi niya ako kilala. My confusion is a sure sign that I wasn't content in Italy! Alam niya na dapat 'yon! Siguradong-sigurado siya na maayos ang buhay ko ro'n na parang hindi niya ako iniwan na walang-wala!

Kung ayaw niyang nandito ako, puwede niya namang diretsong sabihin sa 'kin. I wouldn't take it against him. Ayoko rin namang makita siya.

I grunted. Why was I even mad?

Napatigil ako nang makita si Leon na naglalakad papunta sa isang pamilyar na pulang sasakyan. Binuksan niya iyon at walang kahirap-hirap na sumakay roon.

If I remember correctly, that was the same car from Shaira's gender reveal party. 'Yong matuling na umalis at parang nagmamadali.

It was . . . his? So, sinadya niyang umalis no'ng araw na 'yon? Totoo kayang dahil alam niyang . . . paparating ako? May point naman kasi si Zoey! Simula no'ng dumating ako ay hindi na siya nakita ng mga kasama namin! Ano?! Totoong bitter siya sa 'kin?!

I shook my head. May emergency sa trabaho, Amari. 'Wag kang tanga.

When I got home, there was no one there. Nakabalik na kasi si Kat sa probinsya at si Mill naman ay nasa trabaho. Gustuhin ko mang hiramin si Gayle sa mga magulang niya ay hindi ko naman magawa dahil kasama nila ang bata sa honeymoon nila. Ayaw raw kasing magpaiwan.

Dumapa ako sa kama at nag-cellphone na lang. Shaira was too busy with her growing baby bump, Meg and Zoey were both working, and so I had no one to hang out with. Hindi ko naman masyadong ka-close ang iba kong kaklase.

I stalked my friends' Facebook accounts. Si Mill ay puro share lang ng mga balita, chismis, at kritisismo sa gobyerno. Si Kat naman ay iisa lang ang post simula no'ng ginawa niya ang account niya. Picture namin iyon noong mga bata pa kami. I was behind Karsen, doing her messy braids. Mill was grinning at the camera and making a peace sign on the top of my head as if it was a horn, and Kat’s head was resting on Karsen's lap with a pencil and paper in her hands.

Kat doesn't even have a profile picture or a cover photo. Halatang ginawa niya lang ito para masabing may account siya.

Karsen's account was packed with beautiful memories of her family. Kobe's achievements and Gayle's improvements. May mga shared post din ito na naka-tag sa amin. Most are friendship quotes.

Sunod kong tiningnan ang kina Zoey, Meg, at Shaira. Meg and Shaira were active, but Zoey wasn't. Ang dalawa lang din ang madalas na magka-comment-an. Parang hindi nagsasawa sa isa't isa. Most of their posts contain funny memes.

Shaira Ylane Chavez

welcome back sa fb world Leon! sorry kung hindi na-record ng tv namin, ha? napauwi ka tuloy at napagawa pa ng account kahit meron naman sa youtube hahahaha :D

Napatigil ako sa pag-s-scroll nang mabasa iyon. It was posted the day Karsen got married.

Shaira Ylane Chavez

ba't ka nag-a-angry sa mga nagtatanong ng pangalan huy hahahahahaha grabe kayo ang happy pill ko talaga maliban kay baby daddy labyu Thaddeus

There were a few comments asking Shaira what she was talking about, but I think she was just teasing Leon with me. Hindi ko alam na hindi pa pala siya tapos sa pagpu-push sa amin. She was putting malice into everything! At hindi na ako dapat magpadala!

Huminga ako nang malalim at tuluyang nagpatalo sa kuryosidad ko. I clicked on Leon's account, and found nothing but a single shared post.

"All I want is one more day with you.

To talk about life, dreams, and hopes. To wake up in the morning with your hair all over my arms. To feel the warmth of your presence in my chest. To be amazed because, even at 3 o'clock in the morning, you look like a dream. To take your hand in mine and gently kiss each one of your knuckles. To see many places only to witness the whole world in your eyes.

I won't ask for a lifetime. I just want one more day. Just one more day with you."

Napahawak ako sa dibdib ko nang maramdaman ko ang pagkirot noon. It doesn't have a caption, but the message of the post hit me deep in my soul.

It could be for anyone. He could have shared it with a person in mind.

Hindi ko malalaman kung sino 'yon . . . at hindi ko na rin gugustuhing malaman.

I closed the application and decided it would be better for me to go to some libraries instead of just lying down here worrying about things I shouldn't be even thinking about.

I was too lazy to do much more than throw my hair into a messy bun and put on some jeans and a basic t-shirt. Dinala ko ang laptop ko at nagtungo muna sa malapit na café para bumili ng iced coffee. I then went to public and academic libraries to get as much information as I could. I even came upon an old book that had confessions written by people who had been victims of unethical research practices.

"How long can I keep these?" tanong ko sa librarian habang ipinapatong ang mga libro sa mesa.

"Three weeks," sagot nito. "Pa-fill out na lang nito at patingin ng ID . . ."

I handed her my ID and she took it right away. Yumuko na lang ako at nagfill-out ng ibinigay niyang card.

Hindi pa naman ako aalis. I just wanted to borrow the books now so I wouldn't have to wait in line later. This was the fourth library that I had visited, but it was the only library in which I was able to find books that were suitable for my reading preferences.

Sabagay, malaki rin naman kasi ito kumpara sa iba. Probably the biggest public library in the region.

"Same old?" narinig kong tanong ng librarian sa bagong dating na borrower. "Tingnan mo ang hiniram niya. Halos kapareho ng mga hinihiram mo."

After I finished filling out the card, I looked up and gave it to her. Naramdaman ko ang nanunusok na tingin ng katabi ko kaya napalingon ako rito.

And of course, it has to be the one that my brain is trying so hard not to think about!

He was still dressed in the same outfit. Dark denim jeans and a black long-sleeved polo folded up to his elbow.

Tumikhim ako bago nag-iwas ng tingin sa kanya.

Ano bang dapat sabihin kapag ganito? Long time no see o ikaw na naman?

"Magkakilala kayo?" usisa ng librarian.

She put aside the books I had borrowed, indicating she was done checking them out.

"Yes po," sabi ko dahil mukhang wala namang balak sumagot si Leon.

Kinuha ko ang mga libro at binitbit iyon sa bakanteng mesa. I glanced at the huge glass windows and noticed that the sun was about to set, casting its rays into some parts of the library.

Dahil weekend, marami ang estudyante sa loob. Most of the tables were occupied. Maswerte nga ako at nakahanap ako ng puwesto.

Without looking back at Leon, I took a seat and started reading the Filipino Psychology book that piqued my interest. Binuksan ko rin ang laptop ko para doon ako makapag-take ng notes. I had a portable WiFi, so I could find related studies online or look for dissertations that were connected to what I was reading.

"Sir, dito!"

"Shh!" suway ng librarian sa sumigaw na estudyante.

Nag-angat ako ng tingin at mabilis na nakuha ni Leon ang atensyon ko. He was carrying a stack of books and a laptop bag on his shoulder that I hadn't noticed earlier. Naglakad siya patungo sa grupo ng mga estudyante na dalawang mesa lang ang layo sa akin at tahimik na naupo roon.

Judging from their all-white uniforms and ID laces, they were obviously from Central State University. Mga estudyante niya siguro.

Ganoon na lang ang gulat ko nang mula sa librong binabasa ay bigla siyang nag-angat ng tingin. He caught me looking at him in an instant, making my cheeks flush with shame. It was just a sidelong glance, but I'm sure our eyes met! Siguradong iisipin niyang pinapanood ko siya!

My heart hammered in my chest. Ako ang unang nagbawi ng tingin at nagpatay-malisya sa nangyari. I did my best to ignore the discomfort I just felt and give my undivided attention to the books. Inilipat ko rin ang upuan sa kabilang parte ng mesa para matalikuran si Leon . . . and I think it helped.

I put in so much time reading and studying until my eyes hurt. Isinarado ko ang laptop at tumayo para pumunta sa mga shelves. Sumilip ako sa puwesto nina Leon at ng mga kasama niyang estudyante pero wala na sila roon. Hindi ko man lang napansin na nakaalis na sila.

"Fuck," I murmured to myself as I lightly massaged my temple with the index and middle fingers of my right hand.

It was past dinnertime and I was still here! Nakakainis talaga kapag nagugustuhan ko ang mga binabasa ko. I wouldn't care about the time until my body asked for a break. Mabuti na lang at 24/7 bukas 'tong library. Kung hindi ay siguradong nasaraduhan na ako.

When I got to the very last shelf in the library, I made a phone call to Mill.

"Amari Sloane, may balak ka pa bang umuwi, ha?!" bungad niya.

Napatawa agad ako. "Nasa apartment ka na?"

"Hindi ba obvious?"

Hindi ko pinansin ang pag-aalburoto niya. "Sa labas na tayo mag-dinner. Chicken wings? Samgyup? Steak and wine?"

"Nasaan ka ba?"

"Library."

"Library, eh. Punyetang 'yan." Tumawa siya. "27 ka na, 'yan pa rin ang me time mo?! Maging unproductive ka naman, lintek ka!"

Napairap ako. "Okay, mag-c-club ako bukas at maghahanap ng prospect guy na puwedeng maka-sex. Happy ka na?"

"Miss mo?" I could imagine her wiggling her brows.

"Shut up, Mill! I'm a virgin!"

"Gago? Halos isang taon kayong magka-live in ng ex mo, walang nangyari sa inyo?"

"Wala, okay? We didn't go further than kissing." I grunted. "At ano ba? Sunduin mo na lang ako! Ang dami mong sinasabing walang kwenta!"

Lalo siyang tumawa. "Gentleman naman pala kaya ka nakuha. 'Wag na lang talaga kayong magkikita ulit at baka matuloy pa ang naudlot."

"Ilang beses ko bang uulitin sa 'yo? I don't give a shit about Leon. Magkita man kami, wala akong pakialam. I don't love him anymore, and I've known for a long time that he's nothing but a phase in my life," litanya ko. "Sinabi niyang kalimutan ko siya . . . so I did."

A fraction of my heart objected, but my brain, which governed everything, agreed. We tried and we failed. It was as easy as that. 'Yong mga nararamdaman ko ngayon ay epekto lang ng mga tao sa paligid ko.

The pounding in my chest, the twinge of nostalgia, the ache of longing . . . they were all signs that the world was testing me to see if I had really moved on.

"Defensive mo, gago. Inaasar ka lang, eh." Narinig ko ang pagsarado ng pinto. "On the way na 'ko. Saang library ba 'yan?"

I gave her the exact address before ending the call. Ibinulsa ko ang cellphone at nagdesisyon nang bumalik sa mesa ko.

Two shelves away from where I made the phone call, I heard a faint sound of paper being crumpled. Lumingon ako sa pinanggalingan noon at nakita si Leon na nakaupo sa sahig. Nakayuko siya at nagbabasa habang may mangilan-ngilang nakabilog na papel sa paligid niya. He must be making notes. There was also a small box of relieving patches in his lap . . . probably because his head was spinning too.

Hindi ko alam na nandito pa pala siya. His glasses were sitting securely on the prominent bridge of his nose even though his head was lowered. Naramdaman niya sigurong may nakatingin sa kanya dahil bumaling siya sa akin.

His eyes were devoid of emotion, causing a hollow feeling to grow in my chest.

"Uhm . . ." I cleared my throat. "I'll go ahead."

I buried my finger in the seam of my jeans to avoid being embarrassed. Good thing I didn't stutter.

Isang beses siyang tumango bago ibinalik ang tingin sa libro.

"Ingat," mahinang sabi niya pa.

I kept walking, and when I finally reached the table, I opened my mouth and let out a shaky breath.

Narinig niya ba ang pinag-usapan namin ni Mill? He was too close not to! Sigurado naman akong nauna siya sa puwestong 'yon . . . pero narinig niya kaya? He may have accidentally eavesdropped . . . just like the old times. Ba't ba kasi ang hilig-hilig niyang pumunta sa mga sulok?!

I fixed my things and got my head straight. Eh, ano naman kung narinig niya? Mabuti nga 'yon! At least, alam niyang tapos na ako sa kanya. He wouldn't assume I still had feelings for him with all the glances we'd shared.

Isa pa, wala na rin namang bigat sa kanya 'yon. Sooner or later, we might start treating each other with a lot more informality, and after that, who knows? We might even wind up becoming friends. Mukha namang casual lang siya sa 'kin. Ganoon din dapat ako sa kanya.

I bit my lower lip frustratedly. Amari, stop fucking thinking, will you?!

Lumabas lang ako nang mag-text si Mill na nasa labas na siya. We ate at a barbecue restaurant because she was in the mood for alcohol.

Pilit kong binura sa isip ko si Leon. For heaven's sake, today was just the first time I've seen him after all these years! Give my brain a freaking break!

"Maging magaling lang akong journalist, magkakaroon ako ng sarili kong show," aniya. "Hindi ko kailangang magmakaawa kay chief na bigyan ako ng assignment."

I pursed my lips. "May attitude problem pa rin?"

Lagi niyang reklamo ang matandang lalaki tuwing magkausap kami noon. He was basically the reason why Mill was stressed out at work.

"Oo!" sabi niya. "Pasasalamat ko pa ngang binigay niya sa 'kin 'yong kasal ni Karsen. Pinakamahabang TV exposure ko 'yon tapos nangarag pa ang boses ko." Kinuha niya ang baso at diretsong ininom ang alak sa loob no'n. "Tangina kasi! Hindi ko alam kung reporter ba 'ko o taga-timpla lang nila ng kape!"

She went on ranting about her work, and I listened to her all night, fighting the urge to get mad at her chief. Sigurado akong kung puwede lang ay matagal niya nang nasapak ito. It must have taken her a lot of effort to resist her aggressive impulses.

Nang mga sumunod na araw ay ganoon ulit ang ginawa namin. We spent our nights in the barbecue restaurant, drinking and talking about everything. Tuwing umaga naman bago siya pumasok sa trabaho ay sinasabayan ko siyang magwork-out. She would do boxing since she had a punching bag and gloves, and I would do yoga on her yoga mat.

Sa ilang araw na 'yon ay ipinagbaon ko rin siya ng packed lunch dahil puro cup noodles at instant food lang daw ang nakakain niya. So, every time she would see me preparing her meal, a goofy grin would spread across her face.

"Bumabait ka," sabi niya pa. "Sino ang dapat kong pasalamatan sa character development mo?"

I glared at her. "You know I can poison you, right?"

On my last night, she helped me pack my things, but I noticed how unusually quiet she was. Katatapos lang naming kausapin sina Kat at Karsen na sinabihan kong huwag na akong ihatid sa airport. Marami na rin akong na-receive na messages mula sa iba pang mga kaibigan, wishing me a safe trip and telling me how much they'll miss me.

I still had doubts in my heart, but Italy was the best place where I could get a lot done without being distracted. Mag-e-enroll ako para sa doctorate degree ko at mas paglalawakin pa ang kaalaman ko sa sikolohiya.

I consider myself a lifelong student because I think that knowledge is the ultimate goal of existence.

Kahit pakiramdam ko ay may kulang pagbalik ko doon, at least, mas makakapag-focus ako. I don't have any friends or family waiting for me there, so I only have myself to rely on. Hindi naman 'yon bago . . . kaya ayos lang.

"Aalis ka pa?" tanong ko kay Mill nang makita siyang palabas ng apartment.

"Beer."

I frowned. "Hindi na puwede! Flight ko na bukas!"

"Sinabi ko bang iyo?" masungit na sabi niya.

"Aba!" Pinandilatan ko siya. "Mag-a-attitude ka pa, paalis na 'ko!"

Hindi niya ako pinansin. She turned her back on me and walked out of the apartment, leaving me upset.

Problema no'n? Imbes na naglalambing na, nagsusungit pa!

I shook my head. Baka napagalitan lang, Amari. Try to understand her situation. Hindi laging maganda ang araw ng pangit na 'yon, okay? Just hug her when she returns. She needs that.

I was preoccupied with my internal monologues when my messenger beeped to let me know I had a new message.

Kumunot ang noo ko nang makitang si Shaira iyon. Tatlong oras na kaming magkausap kanina. Ano pa naman kayang sasabihin niya?

Shaira Ylane Chavez: Take care.

Amari Sloane Mendoza: Girl, you've told me that too many times already! I'll message you, okay? Stop worrying and get some rest. It's not like I won't call you or anything.

Shaira Ylane Chavez: Have you brought any meds with you? Baka mahilo ka sa byahe.

Amari Sloane Mendoza: Yup. All good.

Shaira Ylane Chavez: Update your Facebook every once in a while. Post your pictures, your achievements, or just anything. Share memes if you're happy or poems if you're sad. Just post anything.

Hindi ko alam kung bakit pero pakiramdam ko ay may tanikalang sumasakal sa dibdib ko. She sounded too worried, as if she had already missed me.

Amari Sloane Mendoza: You know I'm not a social media girl, right? Bakit? May problema ba? Gusto mong pag-usapan bago ako umalis? I'm free. You can call me if you want.

Shaira Ylane Chavez: I'm just very proud of you, Amari.

Napangiti ako. She was so serious. Must be her hormones again.

Amari Sloane Mendoza: I love you, Shai. Thank you for not leaving me.

It took so long for her to answer. Hindi yata siya sanay na naglalambing ako.

Shaira Ylane Chavez: I love you.

Shaira Ylane Chavez: So much.

Shaira Ylane Chavez: Always remember that.

Magre-reply pa sana ako nang bigla siyang nag-out.

I ended up leaving heart reactions in her last messages, wondering what had gotten into her that she was being so sweet.

Tumayo ako at nilibot ang tingin sa buong apartment. It was smaller than our staff house, but I knew it had witnessed and held thousands of memories. Dito kami tumira noong nakaalis kami sa una naming apartment. This is where Gayle grew up. This witnessed Mill's joy and sorrow, heard Karsen's nurturing words to her child, and gave a home to Kat whenever she was around.

Narinig ko ang pagbukas ng pinto at agad na lumapat ang ngiti sa labi ko nang makita si Mill.

"'Yong mga librong hiniram ko, ha? May photocopy ka naman ng ID ko, 'di ba? Nakakainis. Hindi ko pa tapos basah— Huy, bakit?!" bulaslas ko nang makitang nanunubig ang mga mata niya.

Lumapit ako sa kanya.

"Halika nga," I said as I embraced her. "Pag-usapan natin mamaya, gusto mo? Sige na. Sasamahan na kitang mag-inom."

I thought she would say something about her work. I thought it was the reason why she was crying.

But then, what she said not only struck a blow to my heart . . . but also changed the course of my life.

"'Wag ka nang umalis. Please, 'wag ka nang umalis . . ." she murmured. "K-Kapag umalis ka, wala na . . . mag-isa na ulit ako rito. Hindi ko naman puwedeng laging papuntahin sina Kat at Karsen." She sobbed. "W-Wala naman akong ibang kaibigan. Kayo lang naman kasing tatlo ang nakakatiis sa ugali ko."

Mas humigpit ang kapit niya sa akin habang gumagalaw ang balikat niya.

At that very moment, I knew she had a drink so that she could have the courage to say this to me.

"It was selfish, Mari. May iba kang buhay ro'n at maraming magagandang bagay ang naghihintay sa 'yo," she continued. "Pero, sige na, oh . . . dito ka na lang din."

Parang nabura lahat ng pag-aalinlangan sa dibdib ko. The doubts about where I should go, the second thoughts about leaving . . . they vanished right away.

Someone wanted me here. She wanted me to be here so much that she was crying.

Dito, may pamilya ako . . . kaya saan ba ako dapat umuwi?

"Magagalit ka ba kapag hindi ako pumayag?" I asked, a small smile creeping into my lips.

Naramdaman ko ang pagtango niya. She was still sobbing.

"Isang buwan kitang hindi kakausapin."

"Isang buwan lang?" tanong ko ulit.

"Syempre," masungit pero ngarag ang boses na sagot niya. "Kukulitin mo ako nang kukulitin hanggang sa bumigay ako. M-Maldita ka, eh."

I laughed and pulled her closer to me. "Sige na. Tumahan ka na. Hindi na 'ko aalis."

"Promise?" she asked like a child.

"Oo . . . promise."

We stayed like that for a few more minutes.

"Mari."

"Hmm?"

"'Wag mo 'kong aasarin, ha?"

I could only laugh.