Chapter 28

Tuwang-tuwa si Karsen nang ibalita ko sa kanya ang pag-uwi ko dahil wala raw siyang maisip na papalit sa akin.

Mill would be the reporter for Karsen's wedding because it would be televised as she was marrying Kobe, a well-known public personality in the Philippines. Si Kat naman ang maghahatid sa kanya sa altar kaya wala na talagang ibang magiging maid of honor kung hindi ako.

While on the airplane, thinking about what I would do during my nine-week stay there, I calculated the number of days I've spent in Italy.

4 years, 8 months, 1 week, and 6 days.

No breaks. No time off. Matagal-tagal din. Halos limang taon.

The first year when I transferred to Ferrara was hard because I was still adjusting, but with Ma'am Anne's help, I managed. Sinabi niya sa akin kung saan pa ako dapat mag-improve. She provided feedback on my work, but I didn't let it affect how I felt about myself. Mahirap ding isabay ang pag-aaral, pero dahil sapat naman na ang kinikita ko at ang oras na mayroon ako, nagawa ko naman.

Akala ko noon ay mabagal ang pagtakbo ng oras pero napagtanto kong sa bawat paghakbang ko ay unti-unti ko ring naaabot ang pangarap ko.

I was an emotionally weak, barely 23-year-old woman who was too dependent on others' words before. But now that I'm 27, I can say that I'm an accomplished woman who has learned from life. I felt like I'd matured and grown into the person the young Amari wanted to be.

Ganoon yata talaga. For us to move forward, we have to let go of things that slow us down, weigh us down, and make it hard for us to get where life wants us to go.

Mahirap 'yon. Walang sapat na salita ang makakapaglarawan kung gaano kahirap alisin ang mga nakasanayan, kung gaano kahirap ibaon sa limot ang mga alaala.

But if doing and going through that will make you the version of yourself you've always desired to be, then screw everything and everyone. At the end of the day, wala kang ibang aasahan kung hindi ang sarili mo. We can't wait for others to wipe our own damn tears because we were given the hands to do it ourselves.

"Mari!"

Ang pamilyar na boses ng mga kaibigan ko ang sumalubong sa akin nang makalabas ako ng airport. I looked over and saw them coming toward me. Buhat ni Karsen ang ngayo'y may kalakihan nang anak. Nakangiti ito at kumakaway sa akin. Si Mill naman ay tumatakbo na para bang may humahabol sa kanya. At si Kat ay malamlam ang tingin sa akin habang may maliit na ngiti sa labi.

Their faces immediately warmed my heart.

I am home now.

After making my way through life on my own, I am finally home.

Hindi na ako nagulat nang si Mill ang unang makalapit sa akin. She cradled me tightly in her arms, granting my request for a hug that I asked her a few years back. Niyakap ko siya pabalik at naramdaman ko ang lalong pagsiksik niya sa akin.

"Na-miss mo 'ko, 'no?" nangingiting tanong ko.

"Maldita ka kasi!" tanging naisagot niya.

Nang makalapit sa amin sina Karsen at Kat ay para kaming mga tangang nag-iyakan doon. I felt like I was back where I belonged. Na kahit nasa Italy na ang buhay ko, uuwi at uuwi ako para sa mga taong 'to.

"Danda mo, nangnang," sabi sa akin ni Gayle habang nasa sasakyan kami. Titig na titig pa siya sa akin na para bang namamangha siyang nakikita niya ako.

Driver ni Kobe ang sumundo sa akin, at sa ngayon, dahil nakalipat naman na sina Karsen at Gayle sa bahay ng lalaki ay sa apartment muna ako ni Mill mag-s-stay. It was more practical than having to check into a hotel. Isa pa ay gusto ko rin silang makasama nang mas matagal.

"Gayle, hindi ka namin pinalaking sinungaling . . ."

I rolled my eyes. Of course, Mill has to say something!

"Sus, Millicent. Buong linggo ka ngang puyat kasi excited kang makauwi 'yan," pang-aasar naman ni Kat.

"Yuck!"

I laughed at them, shaking my head slightly, as I bent down to kiss Gayle's cheek.

"You're a big girl na, baby," bulong ko. "Nagiging kamukha mo na ang mommy mo."

Her smile widened and her chubby cheeks reddened a bit. Sumandal siya kay Karsen kaya pasimple kong hinaplos ang tuktok ng ulo niya bago umayos ng upo.

"Mimi, danda nangnang, 'no?" narinig ko pang tanong niya sa ina.

Tumawa si Karsen. "Grabe, gandang-ganda siya sa 'yo."

I shrugged. "Nasanay yata sa kapangitan ni Mill, eh."

"Grabe, lalong sumama ang ugali mo! Bumalik ka na nga sa Italy!"

Buong byahe yata kaming nagtawanan at nagkwentuhan. We talked about the wedding and listened to Gayle's stories about her dolls. Malaki na ang naging improvement niya. Parang dati ay pag-iyak lang ang kaya niyang gawin. Pero ngayon, nakakaintindi na siya at nakikisabay pa sa tawanan namin.

Mabilis kaming nakarating sa apartment at pinagpahinga muna ako ni Kat habang inihahanda ang kakainin namin. Dito rin muna siya mag-s-stay hanggang sa maikasal si Karsen.

Everything had changed, but it still felt the same. Siguro ay dahil sa mga taong kasama ko. I missed out on too much of their lives, but I didn't feel like I did because they treated me as if I had never left. Parang kahit gaano kalayo ang marating ko, may tatakbuhan pa rin ako.

Sa ikaapat na linggo ko rito magaganap ang kasal kaya ginawa ko na ang mga gusto at plinano kong gawin.

I ate all the street food I had missed, went to some old libraries to get ideas for my future dissertation, and practiced for the wedding. Sa gabi naman ay ginugulo ko sina Mill at Kat kaya madalas ay nauuwi kami sa pagtulog sa iisang kwarto kahit na may isa pa namang bakante.

It was warm and homey . . . unlike my place in Italy.

I had met Karsen's fiancé before when they were still in the getting-to-know-you stage, and I couldn't blame her for falling head over heels for that hunk. I mean, aside from being a good person in general . . . he was freaking hot! And god! Seeing him look at my friend with such fondness makes me feel a deep sense of gratitude for him.

Our youngest . . . our baby . . . deserves nothing but happiness. At kung si Kobe ang taong nakapagbigay noon sa kanya, hindi ko para kwestyunin ang relasyon nila. I'm sure he had proven himself worthy of Karsen's love already.

"Ang aga nga nilang ikasal, eh! Dapat kapag teenager na si Gayle!" reklamo ni Mill habang nakatingin sa DSLR camera niya.

Tumawa ako. Para kaming nagkabaligtad. Noon ay siya ang kumukunsinti kay Karsen, pero ngayon ay parang ayaw na ayaw niya sa nangyayari.

"Napakabitter mo," sabi ko pa. "Maayos naman si Kobe, ah? Saka mukhang masaya naman sa kanya 'yong mag-ina."

"Ewan ko nga d'yan kay Mill! Nasuntok niya na't lahat, galit na galit pa rin," saad naman ni Kat.

"Nasuntok?!"

Napalingon ako kay Mill. I didn't know that!

"Ano na namang sumapi sa 'yo at nanakit ka?"

Ngumisi siya, tutok pa rin ang mga mata sa camera. "Deserve niya."

"Napakabayolente mo talaga . . ." umiiling na sabi ko.

Her grin widened as if she was thinking of something horrible. "May isa pa nga akong gustong sapakin, eh. Hindi ko lang alam kung nasaan."

"Sino naman?"

Ibinaba niya ang camera at tumingin sa akin, para bang hinihintay niya lang akong itanong iyon.

"'Yong hinayaan kang mag-isa sa Italy."

"Millicent . . ." suway ni Kat. "Be sensitive, can't you?"

Sumandal ako sa upuan ko at ngumiti. "Kat, it's okay! Si Leon ba?"

Mill laughed. "Ang kaswal, ah!"

Nagkibit-balikat ako. "I don't think I still have feelings for him."

"Narinig ko na 'yan . . ." pang-aasar pa niya.

"I'm serious! I have nothing against him! Pagmamahal, galit, panghihinayang." Umiling ako. "Wala."

It was true. I no longer think about him . . . ngayon na lang ulit dahil napag-uusapan. Ni hindi ko na maalala kung kailan ko huling nasabi ang pangalan niya. Well, I still hear his name every now and then because of Shaira and Thaddeus, but there is no trace of him left in my heart.

I'm done dwelling on that chapter of my life . . . really.

Isa pa, ngayong umuwi ako rito ay handa akong marinig nang paulit-ulit ang pangalan niya. I know my friends will bring him up. Especially my college friends. Iisang batch naman kasi kami. It's not like I can avoid him forever.

"Hindi mo na iniiyakan?" Tinaasan ako ng kilay ni Mill. "Hindi ako naniniwala."

Napairap ako. "Excuse me? Simula no'ng lumipat ako sa Ferrara, hindi na, 'no! At saka ano ba?! There's no point in crying over spilled milk! Mas umayos pa nga ang buhay ko no'ng umalis siya."

The last sentence made my heart react a bit. Alam ko namang mas mabuting wala kami sa buhay na isa't isa . . . I just never said it out loud before. Parang nakakapanibago tuloy sabihin.

"I'm happy for you if that's the case, Mari," untag ni Kat. "Hindi mo na siya nababanggit sa 'kin kaya akala ko ay hindi ka pa nakaka-move on."

I smiled. "Kaya hindi ko na siya nababanggit kasi hindi ko na siya naaalala."

I've unlearned how to love him, just like how I've unlearned how to love my biological parents. Kung maayos ang lagay nila, edi okay. Kung hindi naman, edi . . . wala akong pakialam. I have myself to focus on. Ni wala nga akong makapang galit para kanila. I'm just grateful they're no longer in my life.

"Ipagdadasal ko na hindi ka magaya kay Karsen na nakikipagbalikan sa ex!" pambubwisit ni Mill. "Madaming guwapo sa Italy. Ayusin mo ang mga desisyon mo sa buhay at 'wag nang magmamahal ng ka-level mo ng talino."

I scoffed. He was smarter than me . . . but I'll take that.

"You didn't see me reuniting with Jin, did you?" I said. "Why do you think I'll make a difference for Leon?"

"Sabi mo 'yan, ha?"

I just rolled my eyes in response.

Needless to say, Karsen and Kobe's wedding was spectacular. It took place in the largest cathedral nationwide, and the theme was rose gold and silver, with most of the attendees dressed in pale tints of the same colors. Even Karsen's wedding gown was a soft shade of pink, studded with Swarovski crystals.

Naka-live ito sa lahat ng social media platforms at piling television channels. Ipinagpapasalamat kong sanay ako sa crowd dahil alam kong maraming manonood ng kasal. Fans of Kobe were waiting in lines outside the church, and the number of people watching the live stream was way more than I expected.

"I love you so much, Kobe. I will always and forever be your number one fan . . ."

Sinubukan ko ang hindi umiyak habang pinakikinggan ang wedding vows ni Karsen para sa lalaki. Na kahit parang ayaw silang tanggapin ng mundo ay nagawa nilang ipanalo ang pagmamahalan nila.

I've seen firsthand how Kobe's songs have been her go-to method for relieving stress, and to learn that she was seen by her idol . . . the young Karsen must be really happy.

Hindi ko tuloy maiwasang ma-miss ang pakiramdam ng ganoong katinding pagmamahal.

For the past few years, I came home to an empty house and slept on an empty bed. Na noong ini-announce na kasama ako sa list of graduates para sa master's degree ko ay wala akong mapagsabihan at mapaglabasan ng saya.

I wanted to talk about it all day, but everyone was busy and the world didn't revolve around me. I wanted to talk to someone who knew how hard it was for me to achieve that, but I realized that no one had really seen my struggles.

Alam ng mga kaibigan kong pagod ako . . . pero pakiramdam ko ay wala na 'yong bigat dahil pinagdadaanan naman 'yon ng lahat. Pagod ka, pero sanay naman ang lahat na pagod ka. It wouldn't have much impact. Kaya minsan, mas mabuti pang sarilinin na lang. At least you won't tire your loved ones more.

How many times do I have to tell you? I'm here. Kahit kaunting sakit, sabihin mo sa 'kin. You don't have to go through much because you can always share your pain with me.

Agad akong umiling nang awtomatikong naglaro iyon sa utak ko. It was just a freaking wedding, Amari! Stop making it about you! Remember how much that type of love wore you down! And god! What happened to not remembering a thing about him?!

Gabi nang matapos ang kasal ay inulan ako ng chats ng college friends ko.

Shaira Ylane Chavez: potacca! kung hindi pa kita nakita sa tv, hindi ko man lang malalamang nakauwi ka na! kaibigan mo ba talaga kami, ha?! hindi ka na queen! dethroned ka na! @Amari Sloane Mendoza

Zoey Alfaro: Ikaw ba 'yong nasa TV sa kasal ni Kobe? Kailan ka pa umuwi at bakit hindi mo sinasabi sa 'min?! Ang ganda mo lalo pero ang maldita mo pa rin!

Mary Grace Andrade: *same sa chat nila dahil tinatamad ako hahaha*

Zoey Alfaro: Ang daming nagtatanong ng pangalan mo sa comment section ng live stream!

Shaira Ylane Chavez: may nakita akong pamilyar na pangalan na nanonood kanina hahahahaha

Zoey Alfaro: Sino?

Shaira Ylane Chavez: secret, feeling ko nire-rewatch no'n ang live ngayon

Mary Grace Andrade: wow sino bang relevant sa buhay ni mari??? si leon???

Napanguso ako.

Amari Sloane Mendoza: Tigilan 'yan.

Shaira Ylane Chavez: si ms. lubrica 'yung sinasabi ko 'te 'wag kang assuming hahaha

Naiiling na nagtipa na lang ulit ako ng chat.

Sinadya kong hindi ipaalam sa kanila na nandito na ako dahil plinano kong ilaan ang unang apat na linggo ko kina Karsen, Gayle, Kat, at Mill, lalo at iyon lang ang oras na mayroon sila para sayangin sa akin. Karsen has to leave for her honeymoon, Kat has to return to the province, and Mill has a lot of paperwork to deal with.

Marami pa akong natitirang araw at doon ko binabalak ang pakikipagkita sa iba pang mga kaibigan. Nalaman lang talaga nila nang mas maaga pero sasabihin ko rin naman sa kanila.

Shaira Ylane Chavez: i-mo-move ko ang gender reveal party ko for u, @Amari Sloane Mendoza

Amari Sloane Mendoza: No need. We can still hang out without doing that.

Shaira Ylane Chavez: nope. i want to celebrate it with u <3

Mary Grace Andrade: translation: bumili ka ng gift na mamahalin <3

The following days flew by like a dream. Pakiramdam ko nga ay ngayon lang ako nakapagpahinga nang ganito katagal. I've been busy all my life, at ngayon ko lang naintindihan ang mga taong gustong-gustong magbakasyon. I had become a workaholic, so I didn't think that a break would be so refreshing.

Puting blazer dress ang isinuot ko para sa gender reveal party na sinasabi ni Shaira . . . which I regretted. Bukod kasi sa hindi ko alam na dalawang oras pala ang layo ng resort sa apartment ay hindi ko pa naisip na iba ang init sa Pilipinas.

Zoey Alfaro: Nasaan ka na? Shaira was livid.

Amari Sloane Mendoza: Wait. Ang traffic. Will be there in 30.

Nag-iinit na ang puwit ko sa tagal ng byahe. Nakakainis! Ngayon ko na nga lang ulit makikita ang mga kaibigan at nagawa ko pang ma-late! Nakakahiya tuloy kay Shaira na sinadyang itapat ngayong araw ang gender reveal party dahil nandito ako. The original date was two days after I left for Italy.

Mabuti na lang at marami akong skincare products na binili para sa kanya! She had been complaining about her pregnancy skin for weeks!

I got there in exactly twenty-seven minutes, almost an hour late for the event. Inipon ko ang hanggang baywang na buhok sa kaliwang balikat ko at sinuklay iyon gamit ang kamay. Bahagya ko ring pinaypayan ang leeg lalo at ramdam kong medyo pinagpapawisan ako.

I was still outside the resort when the door of a car in the parking lot slammed shut. Agad akong napatingin sa pinagmulan noon. It was a red car with a heavily tinted windshield and windows. Magtatagal pa sana ang titig ko roon ngunit mabilis na umalis ang driver na para bang nagmamadali siya.

"Shit," kinakabahang bulong ko sa sarili.

Sigurado akong bisita iyon nina Shaira at Thaddeus. Pero . . . bakit paalis na siya? Tapos na ba ang program? Ganoon na ba ako ka-late?!

I breathed deeply to calm myself. Mas magagalit si Shaira kapag nag-inarte pa ako rito sa labas kaya nagdesisyon akong pumasok na sa loob. Dumapo agad ang tingin ko sa mesa nina Zoey at Meg kasama ang iba pa naming schoolmate noong college.

"Thank you for coming and seeing our first steps as parents of our son," sabi ni Shaira sa mga bisita.

Oh, son . . . tapos na nga?! Pero isang oras pa lang! Wala bang program?!

I looked at Shaira, feeling a bit frustrated. There was a hazy blue smoke in the background as she was talking. Malaki na ang tiyan niya na bumagay naman sa awra ng mukha niya. She was glowing. Hiyang siya sa pagbubuntis.

"Thank you for giving us time­—"

Dahan-dahan akong naglakad papunta sa mesa nina Zoey, sinusubukang huwag gumawa ng ingay, nang mapatigil si Shaira sa pagsasalita kaya muli akong napatingin sa kanya.

And yes, she was already glaring at me!

"Unlike my college friend, Amari Sloane Mendoza, who was late again, like she was in some of our classes and even at camp before!" she ranted. "Ikaw ang dahilan kung bakit ko inagahan 'tong party party na 'to tapos hindi mo naman pala makikitang umulan ng asul dito!"

Tuluyan akong napatigil sa paglalakad nang lumingon ang lahat sa likuran kung saan ako nakatayo. I heard my classmates laugh and call my name right away, but I was left standing there, giving Shaira a hard look.

Bwisit na babae talaga!

"Ay nako, 'wag akong panlisikan ng mata ng mga late!" dagdag niya pa kaya lalong lumakas ang tawanan.

I pursed my lips as I continued walking toward my classmates' table. Mamaya na lang ako hihingi ng paumanhin dahil hindi naman talaga tamang na-late ako!

Mabilis na kumustahan lang ang nangyari sa mga kasama ko sa mesa dahil madalas din naman kaming magkakausap online. Nothing remarkable had changed about anyone's appearance, but our features had matured. Especially those who had given birth.

"Kuminis ka," komento ni Zoey na kanina pa sinusundot ang pisngi ko. "And your curls become bouncier."

"Maganda ang European skin and hair care products. Tell me your skin type and I'll send you some once I go back."

"Ay grabe, kayo lang ang friends?" singit ni Meg.

Napatawa ako. "Oo na. Pati ikaw."

Pumalakpak ito. "Iba ang nagawa ng hangin sa 'yo ng Italy. Parang kami lang ang tumatanda!"

"Right? Ang unfair!" sabi naman ni Zoey.

Inirapan ko sila. "I don't have any money. Wag n'yo akong bolahin."

But of course, they didn't stop. Lalo si Zoey. She said that my figure had an hourglass shape and that my skin was so radiant that she couldn't help but stare. Sinisimangutan ko na lang siya. Paano ay parang hindi niya ako nakaka-video call.

However, Zoey was always like that. She kept giving me praise and compliments like she didn't know me. Kahit naman kasi noong college ay gustong-gusto niya ang mukha ko.

I tried to blend into the crowd. Sumasagot ako sa mga tipikal na tanong tungkol sa trabaho ko. If it weren't for Shaira, Meg, and Zoey, some of them wouldn't know that I was already a licensed psychologist. Hindi ko naman para i-announce 'yon gaya ng ginawa ng tatlo nang malaman nilang naipasa ko ang exam.

"Nakita n'yo ba si Leon?"

Thaddeus' question drew my attention to him. Nakatayo siya sa gilid ng table namin habang si Shaira ay nakikipag-usap na sa ibang mga bisita.

Ramdam ko ang pagbaling sa akin ng mga nakarinig noon.

I bit my lower lip. For some reason, after hearing he was actually here, I felt a little self-conscious.

Alam ko namang hindi imposibleng magkrus ang landas namin lalo at may mutual acquaintances kami. Handa naman ako kung sakaling magkita nga kami. It shouldn't be much of a problem. It's been years and I'm sure we're both doing well, so I don't know why I'm feeling a bit uneasy.

"Oo nga, nasaan 'yon?" Zoey asked, finally getting over her minor habit of lavishing praise upon me.

Lumingon siya sa paligid.

"Nandito lang siya kanina pero no'ng dumating 'tong si Mari, hindi ko na napansin."

I swear, I saw how surprised some of our schoolmates were when Zoey brought me up. Malamang, alam nilang mag-ex kami! Hindi ko sigurado kung sinong nagsabing break na kami . . . pero obvious naman 'yon!

I protruded my lips to stop my thoughts.

"Yeah, I didn't see him either," sabi ko pa. "Baka nand'yan lang 'yon. Hindi naman siguro siya aalis nang hindi nagpapaalam sa inyo."

Our relationship was private, but it wasn't a secret, so everyone who heard me talking about him looked at me as if I had said something strange.

Pinandilatan ko sila ng mata. "What?"

Thaddeus just laughed. "Tatawagan ko na lang. Thank you."

Ipinagkibit-balikat ko na lang ang nangyari. We ate, and nothing much happened, aside from Shaira's banter about me.

Dahil majority ng mga bisita ay relatives nina Thaddeus at Shaira ay nag-swimming agad ang mga ito matapos ang event. Ang iba naman naming kaklase at ka-batch ay nagpaalam nang umuwi. Meg, Zoey, and I were the only ones left in there. Even Thaddeus' closest friends chose not to stay longer.

Pinapunta kami ni Shaira sa isang private room doon. There was wine and alcohol in there, but, of course, she wasn't allowed to drink. Good thing I was wearing a bikini underneath my dress, so I took it off and put on a robe. Masyado kasing mainit at wala naman akong dalang damit.

"Nag-text si Leon kay Deus," sabi ni Shaira nang makalabas ako ng banyo. "May emergency raw sa trabaho."

I just nodded. Hindi ko naman siya hinahanap . . . at wala naman akong pakialam.

"Akala ko nag-leave siya ngayon?" tanong ni Zoey.

I climbed into bed with them and quickly poured some wine into the glass that was sitting on the bedside table. Ganoon din ang ginawa ni Meg.

"Hindi ko nga alam, eh. Feeling ko kaya umalis 'yon kasi alam niyang paparating si Mari," sagot ni Shaira na nakapagpasimangot sa akin.

I took a sip from the glass and glared at her.

"Matagal na kaming tapos kaya tigilan mo 'yang ilusyon mo," sabi ko.

Ngumuso siya. "Naiinis kasi ako! Excited pa naman akong magkita kayo!"

"Same!" singit ni Meg. "Ang galing nga nitong si Mari, eh! Hindi man lang nagbago ang itsura no'ng nabanggit ni Thaddeus si Leon!"

"Ba't naman magbabago ang itsura ko? It's not like our breakup happened yesterday." I rested my back on the headboard of the bed. "Ba't ba parang bago sa inyo na naka-move on na 'ko? Hindi ba kayo sanay na makitang maayos ang relasyon ng mag-ex?"

"Well, your name is like a curse whenever we're with Leon. Umaalis talaga siya kapag ikaw ang napag-uusapan," sabi naman ni Zoey na ngayon ay nagsasalin na rin ng wine sa glass niya. "Or . . . parang nagbabago 'yong mood niya. Hindi ko lang din sure kasi hindi naman ako magaling mag-observe."

I couldn't help but laugh at what she said.

"You guys are clearly overthinking things," nangingiting saad ko. "Maayos kaming naghiwalay ni Leon. There's no reason for us to be bitter."

"Sabagay . . ." Shaira muttered.

"Right?"

"Years and I still can't believe you broke up. Kasi to be honest, I can't picture you with anyone else but him . . . or maybe it's just my young heart still rooting for you two." She sighed. "Nasaktan din ako no'ng nalaman kong naghiwalay kayo. It's hard to see a love so great and rare come to an end."

"Hayaan na. Matagal naman na. Hindi lang talaga natin napag-usapan . . ." saad ni Meg.

"Alam ko naman. Eh, bakit ba? Affected din ako, eh!" sagot ni Shaira. "I literally cried at Leon's graduation speech!"

"Huy, pati 'yong debates na mapapa-shut up ka! Grabe, ang tagal na pala no'n?!"

Natahimik ako.

Shaira's words took me back to the times when she constantly paired me with Leon. Simula first year kami, sa lalaki niya na ako ipinagtutulakan. Her trolling was one of the major factors that led me to fall in love with him. Nabigyan ko ng ibang kulay ang mga ginagawa nito dahil sa pang-aasar niya.

At some point . . . I missed it. I miss hanging out with everyone and I miss the feeling of being in love. Okay naman ako. Ramdam kong may kulang, pero kuntento.

I mean, what more could I ask for? I have a long list of successes that I accomplished entirely on my own, and I can now buy everything I want instead of having to deprive myself.

"Tama na nga! Mari has moved on! Cheers to the healed hearts na lang!" sigaw ni Meg. "Maging masaya na lang tayo dahil naging mas maayos sila."

Sa palitan ng kwentuhan ay hindi naalis sa utak ko si Leon. Ngayon ko na lang ulit napagnilay-nilayan ang simula, gitna, at naging wakas ng relasyon namin. Hindi ko inaasahan na sa kaunting pakikipag-usap lang sa mga taong nakasaksi ng pagmamahalan namin noon ay mapagtatanto kong may kirot pa rin . . . na may maliit ngunit pinong sakit pa rin.

I never entertained suitors after breaking up with him. May mga ilang nagpaparamdam pero hindi na ako sumubok ulit. I gave myself the improvement I needed and nourished my broken inner peace.

"Queen . . ." mahinang tawag sa akin ni Shaira nang makatulog ang dalawa.

"Hmm?"

"Are you happy?"

Napangiti ako. She was serious. Hindi ako sanay.

"Oo," sagot ko. "I'm living out my dreams, getting many things I worked hard for, buying—"

"I mean . . ." Her voice was hushed. ". . . without all of that, are you really happy?"

It was just a simple and overused question, but it struck a chord with my being.

"Don't get me wrong, okay? Proud ako sa lahat ng accomplishment mo at alam kong pinaghirapan mo 'yan . . . but all these years, kapag naaalala kita, ang naiisip ko lang . . . nakakapagpahinga ka kaya? May napagkukwentuhan ka kaya kung gaano kapangit ang araw mo? May nag-aalaga kaya sa 'yo kapag may sakit ka?"

I gulped as my chest tightened. Ayoko nito. Thinking about what is missing in my life will only make me sad.

"I know you're an independent woman, but I can't help but wonder how your heart really is." Nagbuntong-hininga siya. "Ewan, it must be my hormones speaking. 'Wag mo na lang akong pansinin."

But, no. It stayed with me. It touched a nerve so deep within my being that I couldn't ignore it. It made me rethink my intention to go back to Italy, where I had nothing but my successes to fall back on. Wala akong uuwian doon. Walang sasalubong sa akin sa airport. Walang gagawa ng adjustments para lang makasama ako.

Without even realizing it, I started looking into different universities to see if they offered doctoral programs. Wala akong detelyadong plano, pero sinubukan ko. I even sent an email to VDMH asking if they have any openings for psychologists or counselors.

From: Unknown Number

Hi, Mari. This is Ms. Lubrica. Kilala mo pa ba 'ko?

From: Unknown Number

Kay Zoey ko nakuha ang number mo. I'm just wondering if I can meet you.

One week before my flight . . . which I wasn't sure if I'd push through . . . I received those messages.

To: Ms. Lubrica

Sure, ma'am! Sa university na lang din po ba?

From: Ms. Lubrica

Thank goodness. Yes! Sa classroom n'yo na lang siguro since vacant naman na 'yon. Is tomorrow okay?

We set the schedule, and I don't know what got into me, but I was a little excited about going back to my old school.

I found the answer when I walked into the familiar university. Ang waiting shed, ang tarpaulins namin ni Leon na nakadikit pa rin sa gate, ang building ng library, ang activity center kung saan kami gumraduate . . . lahat. It triggered such strong feelings of nostalgia in me that I couldn't help but think back on everything that happened there.

At sa lahat ng alaala ko, may isang taong palaging nandoon.

Nasa pinto pa lang ako ng classroom namin ay kumunot ang noo ko dahil sa pamilyar na tunog sa loob. I could hear the soft hymn from Karsen and Kobe's wedding being played, particularly the part when I was walking down the aisle.

"Ma'am?" I muttered as I knocked on the door.

Pinapanood niya ang live stream ng kasal? What for? Ang sabi ni Shaira ay napanood niya naman 'yon.

Hinawakan ko ang doorknob at unti-unting binuksan ang pinto.

The old yet comforting smell of the whiteboard markers, wooden armchairs, and the overall scent of the classroom greeted me.

I looked around only to find an unexpected person sitting there, lips slightly apart while holding a cellphone with my . . . face on it . . . the exact moment when the cameraman got a close-up shot of me.

Hindi agad ako nakagalaw. We were only a few chairs away from each other, and I could see how his eyes, even beneath the glasses, reflected a range of emotions I wouldn't dare name.

The scene was too familiar. Saksi ang apat na sulok ng classroom na 'to kung paano kami nagsimula . . . at hindi ko inaasahan na magiging saksi rin 'to sa unang pagkikita namin.

I said I'd be ready when I saw him. I said I was prepared because I had already moved on.

Pero ngayong kaharap ko siya, ni wala akong masabi. Parang inalisan ako ng kakayahang makapagsalita.

"Sit down," he said faintly, turning his cellphone off. "You're wearing heels. Baka mangalay ka."

Tumayo siya at kinuha ang isang electric fan. He plugged it in, and I just stood there, watching him do it.

"Dito ka ba uupo?" he asked as he motioned to my usual seat.

Dahan-dahan akong tumango. Itinapat niya roon ang electric fan bago muling bumalik sa upuan niya.

Habang naglalakad papunta sa puwesto ko ay naninikip ang dibdib ko.

I had only been here for a few minutes . . . I had only seen him for a few minutes . . . but the years I spent convincing myself that I had forgotten about him just forced me to travel back to the beginning, slapping me with the truth that deep within me, there was still a tiny piece of my heart that couldn't let go of him.