Chapter 27

I didn't know how I managed to go through the days like nothing had happened.

Every morning, I'd cry because his side of our bed was empty and his scent in the pillowcases was the only thing left for me to remember that he was once there.

Hindi ko man lang nasabing mahal ko rin siya. 

Hindi man lang ako nakapagpasalamat. Hindi man lang ako nakahingi ng tawad sa mga nagawa at nasabi ko sa kanya.

Ngayon lang siya napagod . . . pero sinukuan ko agad siya. Maybe he was right when he said I was selfish. He helped me through all my problems, but when he needed me most, I forced him to leave.

Pero ano ang gagawin ko? Hindi ko kayang ipilit sa sarili ko na ayos lang kahit pa may rason naman siya.

We needed this. Kahit masakit. I knew that some people would only come into our lives to either stay or teach us a lesson.

And Leon was the latter.

He entered my life and taught me how I should be loved . . . how I should be taken care of.

For years, he did nothing but endure my wrath. Kahit kalaban ang turing ko sa kanya, tiningnan niya ako nang may pagmamahal. Kahit nasisigawan ko siya, kahit kailan ay hindi niya ako napagsalitaan.

He treated me in a way I longed to be treated . . . at hindi ang isang pagkakamali niya ang magbubura ng magagandang nagawa niya para sa akin.

I should never hate him because that would mean I'd still keep him in my heart, and doing that would stop me from growing. Trying to hold onto our memories would make me stagnant.

He helped me heal my scars before, and now I have to learn how to treat the wounds he left me.

Leon Ysmael Zamora: Mari, I'm sorry. I'm sorry for hurting you. I'm sorry for saying you were selfish. I'm sorry for invalidating your pain. I'm sorry for making you feel unseen and undervalued. I'm sorry for being so distracted that I didn't realize I was already treating you badly. I'm sorry for coming into your life only to leave.

Leon Ysmael Zamora: It's been a month. Nasa Pilipinas na ako. I'm in our treehouse while typing this. Nanay is sleeping and I just had a talk with her a while ago. Nasa bahay na kami. Bumili na lang kami ng oxygen tank kasi hirap pa rin siyang huminga. I'm sorry for having the guts to even send these chats to you now. I know you hate getting unnecessary messages.

Leon Ysmael Zamora: I realized how much of a jerk I was to you. I wish I could turn back time so I could make better choices. I wish I could turn back time and say things differently. Miss na miss na kita, Mari. I've loved you for years and I still do. You're not only the highlight of my college; you're the best part of my life.

Leon Ysmael Zamora: Someday, the memories we shared will be nothing but a distant memory. I'm sorry I couldn't keep our promise to accomplish more things and stay together. Sa ngayon, wala akong ibang gugustuhin kung hindi ang maging masaya at malaya ka. This is too painful to ask you, but I hope you forget about me. I hope you meet a man who deserves you more than I do. Goodbye, Mendoza. Thank you for loving me.

Those were the messages that broke my heart even more. I miss everything about him, too. Sana hindi na lang kami tumanda. Sana hindi na lang bumigat ang mga responsibilidad namin. Sana hindi na lang kami pinaghiwalay.

I read them again and over, memorizing every word and punctuation, imagining how he must have looked as he typed them.

I'm glad I did because the following day, I found out that he had deactivated his account.

That was the last time I ever heard from him. Hindi ako nag-reply dahil hindi ko nakikita ang dahilan para gawin 'yon. Isa pa ay hindi ko rin alam kung ano ang dapat sabihin.

Hirap na hirap akong magsimula ulit. I was penniless and had a lot of bills to pay. May bawas pa ang sweldo ko dahil sa pagca-cash advance ko. Lumipat na rin ako sa mas maliit na apartment. Halos parang dorm lang. Pinagkasya ko ang sarili sa pagkain ng mga mumurahing pagkain dahil kailangan kong magtipid. I'm still sending a few euros to Karsen because I don't want them to worry about me.

"Ms. Mendoza, I'll give you Mr. Zamora's papers since he didn't take them with him when he left," sabi ng professor namin habang inilalapag sa armrest ko ang isang brown envelope. "He was a bright student. It was sad he had to leave."

Nandoon lahat ng mga dokumento ni Leon. Ang sulat-kamay, ang 2x2 picture na ipinasa noong nag-a-apply pa lang kami sa school, ang recommendation letter, at health records.

I hid it away in my closet and shed tears over it for several days. Minsan siyang naging parte ng buhay ko . . . at gusto kong itago ang lahat ng bagay na makakapagpaalala sa akin na minsan ay minahal niya ako.

Ngayon ko lang ipinagpasalamat na marami akong kailangang gawin. At least, hindi ako magkakaroon ng maraming oras para isipin siya. At least, hindi ko kailangang magkulong sa kwarto para lang alalahanin na hindi na siya babalik.

"Wala na kami ni Leon, Mill," I said over a video call.

Nanlaki ang mata niya. "Huh?! Bakit? Kailan pa?!"

I shrugged. "Matagal na. Nakauwi na rin siya d'yan. Wala, eh. It didn't work out."

"Ulol!" sigaw niya. "Nagloko ba gaya ng hayop mong ex?!"

Umiling ako. "Hindi 'yon magagawa ni Leon."

"Sabi na, eh! Wala talaga akong tiwala sa mga lalaking 'yan! Sino'ng nakipaghiwalay?"

The breakup, even though it happened months ago, was still fresh in my head. Ang mabibigat na paghinga. Ang pagmamakaawa at pagluhod. Ang takot sa mata noong umamin siya. At ang huling beses na narinig ko ang paglalambing niya.

"Ako," I replied. "Let's just say I can't be with someone who'll work for people I hate."

Bahagya siyang naguluhan. "Si Leon?"

Tumango ako. "He is probably working with them now."

"At alam niyang ayaw mo sa kanila?"

"Alam na alam, Mill." I smiled. "At ayun 'yong hindi ko kayang tanggapin. He witnessed how I cried about them. He saw me endure a lot because of them. Pero . . . wala." Tumawa ako. "Hindi ko naman siya masisisi kasi pera 'yon, eh. And we both know what money can buy."

Umiling siya. "Kung nabili ng pera ang pagmamahal niya sa 'yo, gago siya."

"It was too complicated to leave it at that, Mill. Naiintindihan ko si Leon," I assured her. "It's for his family. Hindi ko para kwestyunin 'yon. I know how far someone will go to help their family."

"Gago pa rin siya," she insisted. "Kung kailangan niya ng pera, ang dami-daming puwedeng utangan! Bakit sa mga nanakit pa sa 'yo? At sino ba 'yang mga deputang 'yan? Bakit hindi ka nagsasabi sa 'kin?!"

Having a friend is truly a blessing. I felt heard and understood. Hindi niya alam ang buong pangyayari, pero parang kinakampihan niya pa rin ako. Basta makita niya lang na nasasaktan ako . . . kami . . . kahit na minsan ay kami ang mali, ipagtatanggol niya pa rin kami.

"Thank you, Mill." My eyes turned hazy. "Kapag umuwi ako, 'wag mo muna akong awayin, ha? I badly need a hug."

Hindi na ako nagulat nang makatanggap ako ng mga chat kina Karsen at Kat matapos 'yon. Kat said I could call her any time, and Karsen said that she would forever be grateful that I raised Gayle with her.

I lost count of the days. They felt painfully slow to me, but I knew that the world wouldn't stop spinning just because I was going through something.

Gaya ng dati, mas pinag-igihan ko na lang ang trabaho at pag-aaral. I learned how to do my job properly and how to write better for my master's degree.

I realized that I was lacking in many areas, so I tried to read Leon's notes to mentor myself. Nakita ko ang pagkakaiba ng mga gawa namin kaya siguro ay madalas kaming maikumpara.

Several months passed, and somehow, I saw the world from a different perspective. Na kung hindi ko tatatagan, hindi ako makakasabay sa pag-ikot nito. I came to terms with the fact that no one would cradle me and that the criticism I received from others was meant to encourage me to break through my barriers so that I could do more.

Kasi kung titingnan ko lang sila bilang walang lamang galit at panghuhusga, hindi ako lalago. I had grown too used to receiving gentle love, and the world kept convincing me that I needed to experience tough love as well, because there were things that could only be accomplished by someone with a more resilient heart.

Hindi na ako bata para umiyak kapag sinabihan akong hindi magaling. Hindi na ako bata para magdamdam kapag napapagalitan dahil may mali akong ginawa. Instead, I should start looking at things from a different angle and take them as a sliver of hope to get better.

"Are you Amari Mendoza?" tanong sa akin ng isang babae habang nag-p-print ako ng documents sa trabaho.

She looked very sophisticated in her expensive-looking coat. She doesn't look Italian and I'm assuming she's Asian.

"Yes, ma'am," I answered.

Ngumiti ito sa akin. "I'm Anne, the one who processed your paper . . ."

My lips parted. She was the reason why we made it to PAI! She's a Filipino who also has a degree in psychology!

"Ma'am! It was nice meeting you po!" saad ko nang makabawi.

"I'm sorry it took me a while to introduce myself. No'ng nagsabi kasi si Mrs. Dela Paz sa akin ay nagbabakasyon ako sa Rome. Also, I look after the branch in Ferrara," pagpapaliwanag niya.

Ngumiti ako. Ferrara is a city in northern Italy known for its churches and heritage.

"Okay lang po, ma'am. Naging maayos naman po ang pagtatrabaho ko rito."

"You didn't find the environment toxic?" Pinanliitan niya ako ng mata. "That's new."

Kinakabahang tumawa ako. "No'ng una po . . ."

Napatigil ako nang pumasok sa printing office ang bisor ko. Kinabahan agad ako dahil baka maisip niyang nakikipagkuwentuhan lang ako imbes na magtrabaho.

But then, when she saw who I was talking to, her face lit up.

"Anne!" she exclaimed. "I didn't know you were back from Ferrara already!"

Nakipagbeso si Ma'am Anne. "Just today."

"What's your business here?"

Mabining tumawa ang ginang. "We need additional workers, so I'll get some from you."

It felt illegal to be there. Hindi ko na dapat naririnig ito. It was between them, the higher-ups. Sa main branch ako nagtatrabaho at maraming nagsasabing mas maganda ang pamamalakad sa PAI-Ferrara kaysa rito sa Milan kahit na last year lang ito naitayo.

As far as I know, the counseling and mental health clinic were there. Kung ang focus namin dito sa Milan ay research, paggawa ng psychological tests, at pagdiskubre ng mga bagong mental health disorders, sa Ferrara naman ay paggagamot talaga. PAI was the largest and most organized psychological association worldwide, so it was only fair for it to have two branches.

"You should've met Mr. Zamora! I could vouch for that kid!" sabi ng bisor ko.

Itinutok ko ang mata sa printer nang maramdaman ang pagkirot sa dibdib ko. Leon was really someone who was hard to forget. Miski ang bisor namin ay tanda pa rin ang galing niya kahit na napakarami nang buwan ang lumipas simula noong umalis siya.

"Yeah, Dr. Fujimoto loved that guy's wit," natatawang sagot ni Ma'am Anne. "She said he was a genius."

"Well, that girl, too."

Hindi ako nakatingin sa kanila pero agad na nag-init ang puso ko sa narinig.

Are they talking about . . . me?

"She had a hard time adjusting in her first few months, and she was a real pain to take care of, so I couldn't recall how many times I scolded her, but she kept improving, and I think with the right training, she could reach her maximum potential."

Ma'am Anne scoffed. "I'll take her even without your compliments because Mrs. Dela Paz has already told me a lot about her."

Tumawa ang bisor ko. "Ms. Mendoza."

I gazed up at them, nervous and overwhelmed.

"Are you interested in moving to Ferrara?"

For the first time since Leon left, I felt genuinely happy. It's okay for me to work here in Milan because I think I'm growing used to what I do, but hearing them praise and believe in me seemed as if all of the years I'd spent working on myself were finally acknowledged.

Hindi napawi ang ngiti ko hanggang sa makauwi. I told my friends about it, and they pushed me to go through with it, saying that if I wanted to be a counseling psychologist, I shouldn't hide behind cubicles approving and making documents.

Psychological Alliance of Italy – Ferrara Branch Application

Greetings.

This is Stefany Anne Lupena, the Human Resource Director of PAI-Ferrara. I'd like to know if you agree to move to our branch until next week. Considering that PAI-Milan originally handled the entire corporation, the fact that we moved to Ferrara only a year ago makes it a relatively recent development, and up until now, we've been looking for qualified people from the main office to work for us.

If you're interested, please reply to this email and I'll tell you everything you need to know about the job, including how much you'll be paid and what benefits you'll get.

Thank you.

Nang matanggap ko ang email na iyon ay may isang taong pumasok agad sa utak ko.

Kung nandito lang siya, siguradong parehas kaming kukunin at sabay kaming magdedesisyon. O siguro . . . baka hindi siya papayagan ng main branch dahil malaking kawalan siya.

I looked at the time the email was sent, but my eyes were drawn to the date.

18.

Lumunok ako nang maramdaman ang bikig sa lalamunan ko. After responding to the email, I closed my laptop and lay down in bed.

Leon told me I should forget about him, but just seeing the date makes me want to message him. Gusto kong kumustahin siya. Kung maayos na ba si Tita Leah at kung nagawa niya na ba lahat ng kailangan niyang gawin.

Is he happy? Is he earning and making it big already? Is working for my parents . . . worth it?

Gabi-gabi ko pa rin siyang naiisip. I'm trying not to, but our memories were taking a toll on me. Ano kayang mangyayari kung tinanggap ko na lang ang dahilan niya? Kung nagtiis na lang ako? It must've hurt, but at least we're still together, right?

Nagbuntong-hininga ako.

Today should be the last day you'll consider this date special, Amari. Today should be the last day you'll think of all the should-have-beens. Today should be the last day you'll remember him.

"You're in good hands."

Iyon ang huling sinabi sa akin ng bisor ko bago ako na-transfer sa Ferrara ng taon ding iyon.

Mas maliit ang suweldo ko pero mas marami namang benepisyo. They had a staff house, so I didn't have to rent an apartment, as well as a pantry where breakfast and lunch were free.

"Aminin mo, mas magandang magtrabaho rito," nakangiting sabi sa akin ni Ma'am Anne. "You'll face a lot of changes, but you'll make it for sure."

"Thank you, ma'am."

Kami lang ang Pinoy rito at kalimitan sa mga katrabaho ko ay hindi masyadong fluent mag-english, dahilan kung bakit wala rin akong maka-close. Kaya naman bukod sa paglipat ng school para ituloy ang master's degree ko ay kumuha rin ako ng mas advance na kurso sa lenggwahe nila kahit pa may certificate na ako doon dahil isa 'yon sa requirement para makapag-aral abroad.

Ma'am Anne was right. There were a lot of adjustments made, but I didn't punish myself for not getting everything right on the first try.

I still fail, and I have thoughts of hurting myself every now and then, but the universe has given me enough strength to know that it's okay.

It's okay to fall down after getting up. It's okay to still have scars in the same spot after the wound has healed. It's okay to not be good at everything. It's okay to get lost on your journey and take a break, because it's your life and the rest of the world shouldn't care how long it takes you to get where you're going.

'Yong mga bagay na hindi ko matanggap noon sa sarili ko, ngayong mag-isa ako, niyayakap at hinahayaan ko na.

My mistakes, tears, and meltdowns are all parts of who I am.

At hindi ko naman pala kailangang labanan ang mundo kasi darating ang araw na maiintindihan ko kung bakit nangyari sa 'kin ang lahat ng 'to.

Me, being left alone in the orphanage was meant to happen so I could meet Karsen, Mill, and Kat.

Me, meeting my parents and hearing those harsh words were all meant to happen so that I could see how much I could do on my own.

Me, falling in love with someone was meant to happen so I could learn that people have to make a choice and it should be okay that their choice didn't include you.

I stopped worrying about everything, and now that I'm here, I can't believe I'm already making it.

Maraming nangyari. Hindi lang sa buhay ko pero maging sa buhay ng mga kaibigan ko. Some of my classmates started their own families including Shaira and Thaddeus who were expecting a baby. Hindi pa sila kasal, pero sinabi sa akin ng kaibigan na matapos daw ang panganganak ay itatali niya na ang lalaki.

"Kailan ka ba magbabakasyon dito? Ikaw ang gusto kong paglihian," sabi niya pa. "Bwisit, eh! Si Meg ang lagi kong kasama. Baka mamana ng anak ko ang kapangitan!"

Tumawa ako nang makita ang pagnguso ni Meg.

"Ang kapal ng mukha mo! 'Wag mo 'kong ime-message kapag gusto mo ng ice cream, ha!"

"Ako ba hindi n'yo bibisitahin? Marami akong chika! May crush akong dentist dito!" singit ni Zoey.

Sumimangot si Shaira. "'Wag ka na, be. Ilang taon na tayo tapos crush crush ka pa rin. Ano ka, 13?"

Pinanood ko lang silang magbulyawan doon. Many things may have changed, but our bond and their personalities have not. Hindi ako pinalad sa ibang aspeto ng buhay pero biniyayaan naman ako ng tunay at maraming kaibigan.

"I'll be there soon," I announced after their banters.

"How soon?!" tanong ni Shaira. "Ang dami mo nang achievements, 'te! Uso magpahinga!"

I chuckled. "Basta uuwi ako, okay?"

It wasn't a lie. Ilang buwan na akong kinukulit nina Karsen at Mill tungkol sa pag-uwi kaya inihahanda ko na rin ang mga dokumento ko. Ayaw ko man dahil marami pa akong kailangang gawin ay pumayag na rin ako.

I've said no to a lot of other invitations, but I can't say no to this one.

Isa pa, nami-miss ko na rin sila. I'd like to recharge my batteries before starting on the next step of my professional development.

"Amari, I heard that you're already planning to take classes for a doctorate in counseling. Is that true?!"

Iyon ang ibinungad sa akin ni Ma'am Anne nang pumasok ako sa trabaho.

Tumango ako. "Sì, signora," nangingiting sabi ko pa.

"But you just got your master's degree last year and had your license three months ago!" kunot-noong saad niya. "If you keep studying at that rate, you'll be the youngest to have a Ph.D. in psychology in Ferrara!"

I squinted as I put my bag on my table. "That's a good thing . . . right?"

"Well, yeah . . . I'm just a little worried because you're working and studying non-stop." Ngumuso siya. "It's only been four or five years since you moved to Italy, but you've already done a lot. Kaya mo bang pagsabayin ang pagiging licensed psychologist and counselor habang nag-aaral?"

Napangiti ako. I wasn't alone in this country during my first year, but I kept stumbling and moving slowly. Now that I have nothing but myself . . . parang masyado naman akong mabilis?

I worked while getting my master's degree, so it took me almost three years to complete it instead of two. Thus, I won't waste any time getting my doctorate because I knew it would be a long process.

"Kaya po, ma'am," sagot ko. "But maybe after I'm back from the Philippines."

Nakita ko ang gulat sa mukha niya nang ilapag ko ang leave of absence letter ko sa tapat niya.

"Uuwi ka?!" bulaslas niya.

"Wala po akong absent at leave simula no'ng nagtrabaho ako rito," sabi ko. "My friend is getting married, so as her maid of honor, I need to be there."

Yes, after years of suffering alone, Karsen was finally marrying Gayle's father. Magtatampo pa raw ito sa akin kapag hindi ako umuwi. Ayoko namang ma-miss ang espesyal na 'yon sa buhay niya. Who would have guessed that the youngest among us would be the first to get married and start a family?

Ma'am Anne nodded slowly, taking in my words.

Well, totoo naman ang sinabi ko sa kanya. Kahit nagkakasakit ako ay pinipilit kong pumasok. Kahit marami akong kailangang gawin sa graduate school noon, pinipilit kong isabay ang pagtatrabaho.

"I guess I'll have this approved then," sabi niya. "Congratulazioni al tuo amico," she added, congratulating my friend.

"Grazie, signora," nangingiti namang pagpapasalamat ko.

"Stop calling me that." Pabirong umirap siya. "While you're there, why don't you have a look at some of the universities?"

"Para saan po?"

She shrugged. "Your doctorate."

Umiling agad ako. "I'll be back in nine weeks, ma'am. I have no plans to study there."

She leaned back in her chair and looked at me with amusement.

"Your credentials as a topnotcher, psychometrician in PAI-Milan and PAI-Ferrara, registered psychologist and counselor with a master's degree from an international university . . ." Umiling-iling siya. "I can't imagine how big you'll make it in the Philippines, Amari."

"Italy is where I plan to stay permanently, ma'am," giit ko.

She chuckled. "Okay, then. I don't want you to finish Vina and Chin's careers either," tukoy niya kina Dr. Fujimoto at Mrs. Dela Paz na matalik niyang mga kaibigan.

Tumawa lang ako. Those two were well-established. Nothing could ruin their names.

"Now, do everything you need to do, take on the clients you need to take on, and talk to the employees with irregularity reports." She looked at my letter and nodded. "After that, you can pack your bags."