Chapter 23

Note: Mistakes We Can't Laugh About is the second installment in The Losers' Club Series, hence there will be spoilers from the first book, In the Midst of the Crowd, particularly in this chapter.

Trigger Warning: Sensitive language and suicidal ideations. Read at your own risk.

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"If you pass the board exam, we will send you to the Psychological Alliance of Italy next year. Hindi in-demand ang psychometricians sa Pilipinas, pero maganda ang job offers sa ibang bansa. You can work there and get your Master's degree at the same time if you want to."

I could already feel my heart pounding against the corners of my chest as I listened to Dr. Fujimoto.

Italy . . . Europe. And PAI! The biggest psychological organization in the world! They help write books about psychology, run their own medical office, and their researchers came up with almost half of the medications used to treat mental disorders!

"We see a lot of potential in you two, and we want you to take advantage of any opportunity that comes your way. Kung hindi n'yo naman magustuhan do'n, pagbalik n'yo, the VDMH will still welcome you with open arms," dagdag pa ng doctor. "I'm only saying this because I worked in America, and if your goal is to make money, the best place to do that is abroad . . . ganoon kabagsak ang ekonomiya ng Pilipinas."

VDMH was still a catch. Ang original branch nito na clinic ay nasa Isabela pero ang mga ospital ay nakatayo sa malalaking syudad sa Pilipinas. Dr. Vina Fujimoto and Mrs. Elora Chin Dela Paz established this. Naging mabilis ang pag-asenso nito dahil na rin sa dami ng mahuhusay na mental practitioners na nagtatrabaho rito.

"Kaya mag-review kayo nang mabuti, okay?" nakangiting saad ni Mrs. Dela Paz. "It was a rare offer, and we would be glad to give it to you. One of our friends works there as a person in charge of human resources, so the process shouldn't be too hard."

Tumawa si Dr. Fujimoto. "Knowing Anne . . . it really shouldn't be too hard."

Hindi ko na nasundan ang pinag-usapan ng magkaibigan. My thoughts were straying. Italy. Europe. PAI. And all I needed to do was pass the board exam!

"Tahimik mo," pansin ni Leon sa akin nang magtanghalian kami. "Iniisip mo 'yong offer?"

I nodded as I smiled. "Ikaw, hindi mo gusto?"

"Hindi ko pa alam." Yumuko siya at nagpatuloy sa pagkain. "Hindi ko pa naiisip ngayon ang pag-iibang bansa, Mari."

Tumikhim ako. "Next year pa naman."

Dahan-dahan siyang tumango. "We'll see. Hindi ko rin naman kayang hayaan kang mag-isa ro'n."

With the offer in mind, I did a thorough review. Napakalaking oportunidad no'n para sa fresh graduate na kagaya ko. Kahit na tapos na ang review session namin ni Leon ay pinagpapatuloy ko ang pag-aaral sa gabi. I didn't take on too many clients because my salary at VDMH was quite enough to pay my bills. Kaunting tipid nga lang din dahil minimum wage earner pa rin ako.

Leon Ysmael Zamora: Sleep now.

Amari Sloane Mendoza: Nag-aaral ako.

Leon Ysmael Zamora: Can I call? Sabayan kita.

Amari Sloane Mendoza: Okay. Love you.

He reacted "heart" to my message and said "I love you too" before calling. Halos gabi-gabi kaming ganoon. Walang sawaan. Magkasama sa trabaho at magkatawagan pagkauwi sa bahay. It was almost as if he were an essential piece of my being.

"Yayain mo minsan si Leon. Hindi pa 'yan kilala ni Karsen," saad ni Mill isang gabi nang makita akong katawagan ang lalaki.

As soon as I heard the name of my friend, my heart hurt.

Our Karsen . . . Life made her grow up faster than she wanted to.

Kaya hindi rin ako makapagsabi sa kanya ng mga nangyayari sa akin, kahit pa sa iisang apartment kami nakatira. Umalis na kasi siya sa poder ng nanay ng boyfriend niya. I don't know exactly what happened, but I'm sure they hurt our baby. Mabuti na ring nandito siya sa amin. Kahit na mahirap, at least, hindi naman namin siya hahayaang masaktan.

I couldn't mention Leon to her because I felt like she had a lot on her mind, and I didn't have the heart to tell her something good about my life. Gusto ko, maramdaman niya lang na hindi namin siya iiwan. I don't want to take up her remaining emotional space.

Leon can wait. My happiness can wait. She needs guidance now . . . they need guidance now.

"Next time na lang siguro. Kapag may oras na siya," sagot ko kay Mill. "At kapag nakapag-ibang bansa ako, sila ang priority ko."

Tumango siya. "Mas malaki na ang maiaabot mo sa kanila. Ako muna ang mag-aalaga . . . kung matutuloy ka."

We gave each other a knowing look when we heard a baby cry. Kahit nasa loob ng kwarto si Karsen ay rinig namin ang pagtayo niya sa upuan . . . marahil ay nasa tapat na naman siya ng laptop at nagtatrabaho. She hummed and hushed the baby.

Hindi na ako nagpapigil. Tumayo ako at binuksan ang pinto ng kwarto niya.

There she was, holding Gayle, her child, in her arms.

Karsen looked different. Her body matured after giving birth, but her complexion was almost pale. She had veins protruding in her arms and hands because of too much physical activity. And her eyes . . . there were dark circles under them. Halata ang pagod at puyat, pero nakangiti pa rin siya sa anak niya.

"Ang ganda ganda ng baby ko. Tatahan na 'yan . . ." she said softly.

I sighed as I neared her. "Magtrabaho ka. Ako na muna."

Umiling siya. "Baka naglalambing. Kanina pa ako nakatutok sa laptop, eh."

Pumasok si Mill sa kwarto. "Ano ba 'yang trabaho mo? Ako na muna ang gagawa. Puwede ba?"

Tumawa lang si Karsen. "Ako na! Kaya ko 'yan."

Nahihiya siya sa amin . . . hindi iyon maitatanggi. Kung hindi pa kami magpumilit ay hindi siya hihingi ng tulong. So, sometimes, while she was asleep, I would carry Gayle outside their room. Para kapag umiyak, hindi siya magigising. Makulit pa naman ang batang 'yon. Gusto lagi sa nanay niya.

Ganoon din ang ginagawa ni Mill. Minsan ay magugulat na lang si Karsen na napaliguan at nabihisan na namin si Gayle. The baby can't say a word yet. She can only cry and giggle with her tongue sticking out.

My main goal right now is to help Karsen at least raise her child. Sa pinansyal sila kulang kaya doon ko gustong tumulong. I knew Gayle would need therapy someday, and they would need money to pay for it.

Money . . . it has always been money. It dominates the world. It fuels people. May pumapatay para sa pera. May nagiging gahaman para yumaman. But when they say that money is the root of all evil, I just can't bring myself to agree with them. Money is an inanimate object, and it is up to us to decide how to spend it.

The ultimate root of evil can be traced back to us, humans.

"Thank you, Mari," sabi ni Karsen sa akin nang makitang buhat ko si Gayle. "Hindi ko alam ang gagawin ko kung wala kayo."

I kissed Gayle's cheek before smiling at her. Napahagikgik naman ang bata.

"Anong thank you? Ang bigat ng anak mo!" I joked. "Kung hindi ko lang 'to mahal . . . nako!"

I worked and studied twice as hard . . . na kinasanayan ko na. Hindi ako makapagpahinga nang maayos dahil iniisip kong may kailangan akong gawin. I pressured myself. Minsan ay magigising ako sa kalagitnaan ng gabi at imbes na bumalik sa tulog ay mag-aaral ako. I felt like I couldn't rest until I reached my goal.

Nakasanayan ko na ang pagurin ang sarili. It was easier than hurting myself. Dahil minsan, tuwing naiisip kong napakalayo ko pa sa gusto kong abutin . . . I had thoughts of damaging and punishing my wrist. I had thoughts of wanting everything to end.

Kasi alam kong kahit lumuha ako ng dugo, hindi pa tapos ang pagpapagod ko.

When that happens, I will only think of the many reasons why I should be here. Leon, Kat, Mill, Karsen, Gayle, Shaira, Zoey, Meg, Ms. Lubrica . . . and me.

I already had a lot of good reasons to be alive, but life gave me another one.

"Whatever the outcome may be . . . we gave it our all, okay? 'Wag mong iisiping hindi ka magaling," pagpapakalma sa akin ni Leon habang nakatutok kami sa laptop, naghihintay ng announcement ng board passers.

Hindi ako makatango. I know I'll fall apart if I don't pass. Sigurado akong pasado siya . . . pero ako? Yes, I did my best, but . . . I know myself. I answered all the questions to the best of my ability, but I'm not confident that I'll pass. Hindi naman kasi kami nag-review center kagaya ng karamihang examiner. Self-study lang ang ginawa namin.

I stopped thinking for a while when Leon kissed the side of my head.

"Why do I feel like you're already criticizing yourself?" he asked, his voice deep and gentle.

I clenched on his shirt. "Kinakabahan ako."

"Of course," aniya. "But this test shouldn't be so important for you to start second-guessing your abilities."

"But this test is that important, Leon . . ." giit ko.

He shook his head. "Not as important as you."

I heaved a sigh, understanding his point. "Thank you . . . ikaw rin, ha?"

Marahan siyang tumawa. "Ready?"

Nang tumango ako ay lumapit siya sa laptop at may pinindot doon.

I bit my lower lip as hard as I could, all of my nerves straining against my body. As we waited for the browser to load, he returned to my side and held my hand as if he was soothing me.

A few more seconds passed and there it was, the result that moved me to tears.

The successful examinees who received the top ten (10) scores on the Psychometrician Licensure Examination are as follows:

Rank 1 – Amari Sloane D. Mendoza – Central State University – 96.20

Rank 1 – Leon Ysmael A. Zamora – Central State University – 96.20

Labis na nanghina ang tuhod ko kaya naluhod ako sa sahig ng treehouse. Nang dumalo siya sa akin ay agad akong yumakap sa kanya. I was so filled with happiness that I couldn't stop crying.

"We made it, Leon . . . we made it!" pag-iyak ko.

"Sa list ng top 10 na ako dumiretso . . ." bulong niya sa akin. "I know your name will be there."

I sobbed. "Our names."

Parang nagsaya ang lahat para sa amin. Our faces were on tarpaulins that were hung up in front of our university. Even VDMH hosted a big party for us. Inulan kami ng long messages at appreciation posts sa social media accounts namin.

From: Karsen

Congrats, ninang! Yabyu!💗

-Pink babies, Gayle and Karsen.

From: Mill

Expected ko na 'to kaya hindi kita i-co-congratulate. Sayang, perfect ka na sana. Ang kaso, may attitude ka.

From: Kat

Excited na akong umuwi. I'm pretty sure you need a massage and a warm hug. Give Leon my regards. Ang galing n'yo.

Happiness had overtaken me. It was perfect . . . just like the future I imagined for myself.

Shaira and Meg said that they would take the board exam next year because they were taking a break. Si Zoey naman ay kasalukuyang nag-aaral ng dentistry.

And of course, the best part of topping the boards is that Leon and I have been getting a lot of job offers.

Maayos kami sa VDMH. Kahit makatanggap kami ng iba't ibang trabaho mula sa iba't ibang kumpanya, hindi namin iniwan ang ospital. Mrs. Dela Paz and Dr. Fujimoto were getting our papers ready to transfer us to PAI. Ang go-signal na lang namin ang hinihintay nila.

Leon and I decided to have a private celebration with our families. Sasabihin niya rin sa nanay niya ang planong pag-alis. In my case, well, my friends already knew about my plans to work abroad.

I planned to get food from a five-star restaurant to celebrate with my friends, lalo at pauwi si Kat. I was excited because that would be the first time we'd eat something expensive together.

But then, we can never predict life. We can never hope to experience happiness without also experiencing sadness afterward. Iyon ang tinuro sa akin ng buhay. Nothing is permanent. Masaya ka ngayon? Then expect problems on the way. It was a never-ending cycle . . . and it was a painful one.

Because no matter what we do or where we go, some remnants of our past can't just stop following us around.

"Amari, it's been a while."

He was smiling at me as if the wound he had left deep within my heart had been healed.

"Mr. Mendoza . . ." napapaos na sabi ko. "Ano pong kailangan n'yo?"

I was in the parking lot where the jeep dropped me off when he suddenly pulled up his car in front of me.

He has already abandoned me. What else do I need to hear from him?

"Hop in the car," nakangiti pa ring aniya. "We have a lot to catch up on."

Umiling ako. "May pupuntahan pa ho ako . . . at wala naman akong naalalang dapat pag-usapan natin."

He chuckled. "Nagtatampo ka pa rin dahil sa pagbabayad ng renta? Come on!"

I clenched my fist.

"Sige, ibabalik ko ang binayad mo. Okay?" he muttered, glancing at my balled hand. "Just hop in. I'll bring you to my firm."

I exhaled deeply, wrath rising in my chest.

"Ibabalik . . ." mahinang saad ko.

Bugbog na bugbog ang katawan ko sa pagtatrabaho habang nagbabayad sa kanya . . . tapos ibabalik niya?

"Yeah. I can give it to you right away. Magkano lang naman 'yon."

I wanted to cry so badly. The money Leon and I paid him caused us so many burnouts and breakdowns! Nagtipid kami! Bawat piso ay mahalaga sa 'min! Hell, we didn't even buy new clothes for our graduation! Tapos ano? Ipapamukha niya sa akin na barya lang ang lahat ng 'yon sa kanya?!

He doesn't need our money, that's for sure. Gusto niya lang talaga akong pahirapan.

Sa naiisip ay lalong nag-alab ang galit ko.

I am almost done unlearning to love him, and I don't need any of his acceptance anymore! Kung puwede lang, sana ay hindi na magkrus ang landas namin . . . especially because he would always remind me of my past self, the one who was willing to give up anything just to catch a glimpse of his smile.

And so, with so much anger welling up inside me, I chuckled.

"Well, I don't give a flying fuck about your firm," I said.

Namilog ang mga mata niya. The very same eyes that I got from him.

"You're ordering me to get in your car." Muli akong tumawa. "Bakit? Sino ka ba?"

"Amari! Dala mo ang apelyido ko! I even gave my wife's last name to you as your middle name!" sigaw niya.

"Oo! Para hindi kayo mahuli ng nanay ko, 'di ba?" I shot back. "You didn't let me use Medina because it reminds you of your fucking awful affair! Idinamay mo pa ang asawa mo!"

"You're talking back to me!" His nostrils were flaring in anger. "Valeen invited you to dinner because we have a deal for you, but based on how you've been acting, we can't give you the offer! Ungrateful child!"

Bahagya akong natigilan.

Valeen . . . a name I know, but a face I've never seen.

Kasabay ng paninikip ng dibdib ko ay ang pagkawala ng mahinang tawa sa bibig ko.

Little Amari, did you hear that? You're supposed to have dinner with your parents. Do you remember how much you longed for this before?

"Putanginang offer 'yan," I managed to say.

Hindi ko napigilan ang pagtulo ng luha ko.

"Unang beses mo 'kong nakita, offer! Sa lahat ng pag-uusap natin, offer! Sa chat, offer! Sa text, offer! Tapos ngayon, tangina! Offer na naman?!" I shouted. "Trabahador n'yo ba ako ha?!"

We were creating a scene, but I was so angry that my chest felt like it was going to explode through my skin.

"Simula nang makilala kita, kahit isang beses . . . kahit isang beses, ni hindi mo ako nakumusta!"

I didn't want to give him the satisfaction of seeing me crying, but I couldn't stop my tears.

"Hindi ba kayo nahihiya sa sarili n'yo?! You and that Valeen fucked each other, and then what?! Itinapon n'yo 'ko para walang makaalam ng mga kaputahan at kaimoralan n'yo!"

"Amari—"

"Oh, bakit?! Totoo naman! You only want me now because I've achieved many things! You only want me now because you can already use me!" I shouted at the top of my lungs. "You only want my outcome . . . but you weren't there for me through the process."

Puno ng matinding galit ang mga mata niya, pero wala na akong pakialam.

"You're making a big mistake talking back to me now, Amari Sloane!" he said, gritting his teeth.

"I've been through hell, and you think I'd care about that?" I swallowed hard. "Where in the hell did you get the nerve to come anywhere near me as if you'd been a father to me?"

I pointed to myself.

"I did a lot without your help, and companies are lining up to employ me." Tumawa ako. "You've got an offer for me?" I shook my head to show him how disappointed I was. "I'm sorry, but I have to check my schedule, Mr. Mendoza."

He was about to say something else to me, but the door to his car opened, and a woman—a familiar woman—gave me a disgusted look.

"Valeen, isarado mo 'yan! Baka may makakita sa 'yo!"

She looked familiar, and I wasn't too stupid to know who she was.

"Percy, you said that our daughter was a good girl who did what she was told," she said angrily. "Kung alam ko lang na bastos na bata na pala ang makakaharap natin, sana ay tinutukan ko na lang ang pag-aaral ni Psyche."

I couldn't move a muscle. Valeen. She's Valeen.

Why didn't I see our resemblance before? Skin color, hair, and lips — nakuha ko iyon lahat sa kanya.

"You're the girl who did my daughter's makeup," komento niya, puno ng paninibugho ang mga mata.

"Valeen, isarado mo sabi 'yan!"

Nagsalubong ang kilay niya. "Shut up, Percy! This girl called me immoral!"

"Valeen!"

"Laking kalye naman pala 'to, eh! She can't work for our firm!" iritableng saad niya habang pinapasadahan ako ng tingin. "I would never allow someone as dirty as her to set foot in my office!"

I bit my lower lip. I thought I was used to pain . . . but right now, all I could feel was the stabbing in my heart. Gusto ko na lang umalis. Gusto kong lumayo sa kanila.

But I couldn't move my feet. I felt like I was nailed to the ground, watching my parents argue because of me.

"I hate you, Percy! Bakit ba kasi hinanap mo pa 'yan?!" my mother . . . or Psyche's mother yelled. "Sumasagot-sagot na sa 'yo! Imagine what she can do with that rotten attitude of hers!"

"Calm down," pagpapakalma sa kanya ni Mr. Mendoza.

"No! We were called immoral by someone who doesn't have even an ounce of our success!" She returned her gaze to me. "Nakapila ang kompanya sa 'yo?! Ang hangin mo, ah? Where do you live? Or do you even have a house?! O renta-renta lang ulit?"

I clenched my jaw. Don't get distracted, Amari. They're strangers. You can cry later. Just . . . don't give them the pleasure of seeing you beaten up.

"Isn't it your duty to give me all that?" I asked. My voice was low.

She laughed sarcastically. "Like giving birth to you is not disgusting enough for me."

Another pang of pain went right through my chest.

"'Yon na 'yon?" I asked, chuckling.

Laugh, Amari. Laugh it off as though their words hadn't struck you in the heart. Laugh as if they haven't beaten it into your head that your mere existence is a mistake.

"Well, news flash! I'm disgusted that you're my mother, too! I couldn't imagine how I lived in your tummy for nine months when I couldn't stand to look at your face for a minute!" I managed to say.

"Amari, that's enough!" bulyaw sa akin ni Mr. Mendoza.

Hindi ko siya pinansin.

"Madumi ako? Gano'n talaga! Nagtatrabaho ako, eh! Binigay ko sa sarili ko 'yong mga bagay na hindi n'yo nagawang ibigay sa 'kin!" My vision was once again becoming hazy because of tears. "Kayo? Hindi ba kayo narurumihan sa mga sarili n'yo? May mga pamilya kayo! Ang kakati n'yo!"

Isang sampal sa pisngi ang muling nagpabagsak ng luha ko.

"You are saying too much!" Mr. Mendoza's voice roared. "Kung alam ko lang na lalaki kang gan'yan, sana ay hinayaan ko na si Valeen na ipalaglag ka!"

I tried my best to hold back the sob that was trying to escape my mouth. Mind over matter, Amari. They don't know you. They don't know what you've been through. They're . . . nothing.

I chuckled . . . probably my favorite mask of pain.

"Living a life of sin, huh? Ano kayang magiging reaction ng respetado n'yong pamilya kapag nalaman nilang may Amari Sloane na nabubuhay?" I taunted.

"Don't even try—"

"Then, stop fucking bothering me!" Pinandilatan ko ang sariling ama. "Kung gusto n'yong ituloy 'yang kagaguhan n'yo, tigilan n'yo 'ko! You want my brain for your little firm? Bakit? Stupido ba ang mga anak n'yo at ako ang inaabala n'yo?" paos kong sigaw. "Kung magpapakita kayo sa 'kin para lang babuyin ang pagkatao ko, putangina, kalimutan n'yo na lang na anak n'yo 'ko!"

"Don't worry, we've been doing that for all these years, so it's pretty easy," singit ng nanay ni Psyche. "I can't believe I made a fool of myself. A child left unguided will always behave badly. Why did I even think things would be different?"

Gusto ko siyang saktan. Gusto ko siyang sugurin. She was my mother! She was the one responsible for my needs! Paano niya nagagawang sabihin 'yan? They abandoned me in a shelter with no food or money . . . and I achieved a lot. Bakit hindi na lang sila maging masaya para sa 'kin.

"At huwag kang umarte na parang ikaw ang pinakamagaling," dagdag niya pa. "Percy said that your boyfriend is smarter than you. Nadadala ka lang siguro ng accomplishments niya."

"Close the door, Valeen," utos ni Mr. Mendoza. "And don't expect to hear anything from us ever again, Amari. You asked for this."

Hindi na ako nakasagot. I felt like the world was getting so small that it would suffocate me.

Nang makaalis sila ay natulala lang ako. I was panting, almost out of breath. Hindi ko alam kung gaano katagal pero sigurado akong hindi agad ako nakabawi.

Sumakay ng jeep at nagmadaling pumasok sa apartment. I was lucky enough because my friends weren't there. Si Karsen ay nasa kwarto niya at si Mill ay paniguradong sinusundo si Kat sa terminal.

I didn't waste any time getting to the bathroom. I felt a sob rising up from my chest to my throat. So, when I got to the bathroom, I sat down on the floor with my back against the door. Mabilis na tumulo ang mga luha ko kaya tinakpan ko ang bibig para walang makarinig ng pag-iyak ko.

The first thought that came to my mind broke me even more.

I saw my mother today.

The one I wished would do my hair because everyone else was tied up. The one I wanted to cook my meal so I could have a favorite dish. The one I dreamed about sitting next to me and listening to all my worries.

I clenched my left hand around my loose curls, which looked so much like hers. I pulled it off with anger, almost as if I wanted it off my head. Halos maglaglagan ang ilang hibla nito, pero wala na akong pakialam. The weight in my chest was so heavy that I wanted everything to disappear.

Little Amari, I'm sorry for disappointing you.

Your mother is not at all like the mothers portrayed in the books you've read, the mothers you've seen in your classmates, or the mothers you've imagined her to be.

Still covering my mouth, I bit the side of my palm until my teeth hurt.

Hindi ako puwedeng sumigaw. Baka natutulog si Gayle. Baka nagpapahinga si Karsen. Hindi nila ako puwedeng marinig.

Ang babaw ko. Putangina, ang babaw ko. Hindi ko na dapat iniiyakan 'to. Hindi ko na dapat hinahayaang masaktan nila ako nang ganito.

I wish I could just tell my younger self to just fucking hate them all! Para hindi ganito kasakit! Para kahit durugin nila ako nang paulit-ulit, hindi nila ako maaapektuhan kasi wala akong inaasahan sa kanila!

I should have told my younger self not to read books where the main character has a whole family! I shouldn't have let my younger self watch movies with perfect mothers and fathers! I should have stopped my younger self from praying to all the falling stars every night, wishing for a meal with them!

Valeen Claire Medina thought it was a mistake to have me! Well, including them in my dreams was a mistake, too! Sana ay hindi ko na lang sila minahal dahil hindi ko naman sila nakikita! Sana ay hindi na lang ako bumuo ng mga kwento sa utak ko na hindi naman mangyayari! Sana ay hindi na lang ako naghangad na makilala sila!

Ramdam ko ang panginginig ng kalamnan ko. The scene was so familiar that I knew I had to stop now before I started doing something in my body again.

So, with my remaining strength and courage, I looked up at the mirror and rose to my feet to see my reflection.

At that very moment, I wanted to smash the mirror and stick a piece of glass in the back of my neck. I wanted to split it into tiny fragments and force them all down my throat until I died.

But I didn't.

Instead, just like the days I've survived and the days I thought I wouldn't . . . I smiled.

Kahit magmukha akong tanga sa sarili kong repleksyon, ngumiti pa rin ako.

Little Amari, you're all grown up now.

Ngayon, hindi mo na kailangan ng mag-aayos ng buhok mo kasi kaya mo nang gawin 'yon. Hair stylist ka pa nga, eh! Ngayon, hindi mo na kailangan ng magluluto para sa 'yo kasi marunong ka nang gumalaw sa kusina. Naipagluluto mo pa nga ang mga kaibigan mo, 'di ba? Ngayon, hindi mo na kailangan ng tatabi sa 'yo kasi kahit kailan naman, hindi mo binitawan ang sarili mong kamay.

You've come this far by holding yourself up, Amari. There was nothing they could say that would bring you back to where you started.

Your boyfriend and friends love you, and someday . . . you'll fully love yourself too.

"Mari, nand'yan ka?"

It was Kat's voice.

"Matagal ka pa? Iihi raw si Mill."

I forced a smile and combed my hair with my hands.

"K-Kapapasok ko lang!" I reasoned out. "Tatawagin ko na lang siya pag lalabas na 'ko!"

Pulang-pula ang mata at buong mukha ko. Kapag lumabas ako ngayon ay siguradong malalaman nila ang pag-iyak ko.

"Okay. Sa kwarto n'yo muna ako. Matutulog lang," pagpapaalam pa ni Kat.

"Mari, pag ako nagka-UTI, sasampalin ko si Leon!" sigaw ni Mill. "Kainis! Sa kapitbahay nga muna ako!"

I waited until they all went silent. Sumilip muna ako sa pinto at lumabas para kunin ang gamit ko. I fixed my hair and face as if nothing had happened.

"Pulang-pula ang mata mo," sabi ni Kat habang kumakain kami.

My plan to buy food for them was canceled. Mabuti na lang at naka-order agad sila.

Tumawa ako kahit na bahagyang kinabahan sa pagbaling ng mga kaibigan sa akin.

"Tinesting ko kasi 'yong mga inorder kong contact lens. Eh, mas sanay akong maglagay sa iba kaysa sa 'kin." I shrugged. "Mawawala rin 'yan."

Nawala ang atensyon sa akin nang umiyak si Gayle. Agad namang tumayo si Karsen para kargahin nang maayos ang bata.

"Teka, sa kwarto lang kami. Baka mag-ingay pa. Patutulugin ko muna para dire-diretso ang celebration natin," aniya.

We all watched her go. Alam kong iisa kaming lahat ng naiisip.

Mill cleared her throat, drawing my attention to her. "Tuloy kayo sa Italy?"

"Ako, tuloy. Si Leon, nagpapaalam pa."

"Paano kapag hindi pinayagan?" tanong ni Kat. "LDR kayo?"

Tumango ako.

"Wow, ang tapang."

Umirap ako. "I trust our love, Millicent."

"Kabahan ka na!"

But that night, I received a chat from Leon that made my worries . . . or Mill's worries . . . fade away.

Leon Ysmael Zamora: Pinayagan na ako ni nanay. She wants me to explore, and well, she's a little worried that no one will look after you :)

Amari Sloane Mendoza: You're happy?

Leon Ysmael Zamora: My favorite girls love each other. Sinong hindi sasaya?

Leon Ysmael Zamora: I tried imagining waking up without seeing you, and it's terrifying. Alam ko namang papayag si nanay, ako lang talaga ang mag-iisip. But she said I could help her more if I worked abroad and that I shouldn't waste the chance to work there and be with you.

Shame on you, Valeen and Percy. For you, I'm a mistake, but for someone else, I'm a treasure.

Leon Ysmael Zamora: Let's accomplish things together, okay? We'll probably live in the same house there. Para makatipid. Hahaha.

Leon Ysmael Zamora: I won't do bad things to you. I'll keep my promise.

Leon Ysmael Zamora: Tagal mong mag-reply :(

May umalpas na luha sa mata ko. I couldn't help but feel grateful that, despite my mistakes, I still have him.

Amari Sloane Mendoza: I'm just happy that you're a part of my life, Leon.

Leon Ysmael Zamora: May nangyari?

I let out another tear. He knows me too well.

Amari Sloane Mendoza: I'll tell you about it tomorrow or next week, okay? I'm just too tired to talk about them right now.

Amari Sloane Mendoza: And yes, we'll accomplish more things together.