Chapter 21

It is true what they say, that one day you will meet someone who will understand how to really love you.

Their hands will be big enough for you to fit in between them. They will catch your laughter in a jar and open it in the middle of the night to listen to it again. They will remember every breath and laugh. They will pursue your heart even if you don't know that it desires to be captured in the first place.

One day, you'll find someone . . . because right now, I know I've found mine.

Everything that Leon said and planned did come true.

Nag-avail siya ng may kalakihang locker para sa aming dalawa at doon namin iniiwan ang mga libro at ibang gamit namin. He also put my makeup trolley and ring light there, basically taking up all the space. Kaya kapag may raket ako ay hindi na ako umuuwi sa apartment. He'd accompany me to carry my stuff. Hindi pa siya pumapayag na hindi siya kasama.

Itinira lang namin ang DSM-5-TR niya at ang Theories of Personality book na binili ko noon gamit ang voucher niya . . . but other than that, we sold all our books together.

Lagi rin akong may libreng breakfast at lunch dahil hindi siya nakakalimot magdala noon. He'd make sure I ate everything before we started working on our thesis.

"Thaddeus told me that you borrowed money from Shaira . . ." he said one time when we were in the library. "Kaya tinatanong kita noon kung may problema ka. You're not telling me anything."

I sighed. "Syempre, nahihiya ako, Leon. Bago pa lang tayo. I don't want to dump all my problems on you."

Sumeryoso ang mukha niya bago iniayos ang salamin.

"When I fell in love with you, I was ready for all that," he said. "I didn't love you just for convenience."

There comes the familiar flutter in my heart. Laging ganoon. Kahit gaano kaseryoso, basta sabihin niya lang na mahal niya ako, parang nakakawala sa wisyo.

"Now you'll pout like I'm scolding you," pagsusungit niya.

Kinagat ko ang pang-ibabang labi. "Eh, kasi . . . okay naman na, eh. Ba't mo pa ako pinapagalitan?"

"I'm just saying that you should practice telling me about your problems better. Para alam ko kung paano at saan kita tutulungan."

Tumango na lang ako dahil alam kong may punto siya. Matagal na akong ganito . . . kahit sa mga kaibigan ko. I'm not good at talking about my problems because I was raised to think that no one cares or that they have their own problems to deal with. Lahat naman kasi tayo ay may dinadala. Nakakahiya namang ipabitbit pa ito sa iba.

Naging mas madalas ang pagsasama namin ni Leon. We became partners in everything. Sabay kaming pumapasok araw-araw. Una kaysa sa mga kaklase ko. We'll have breakfast by ourselves in our rooms and lunch with our classmates. Most of them knew we were together already. Hindi naman kasi ma-ide-deny sa kilos namin.

After class, we'll work on our academic papers, and then we'll head to my makeup sessions or his clients. Salitan ang ginawa naming pagtanggap ng kliyente. Tinutulungan niya akong magdala ng mga gamit ko tuwing ako ang may trabaho at tinutulungan ko naman siyang tapusin ang commissions niya kapag siya ang meron.

This was easier. Nakakapagpahinga ako at kahit papaano ay nakakaipon. Una ko munang binayaran si Zoey dahil iyon pa lang ang kaya ko at nangako naman ako kay Shaira na sa susunod na buwan ako maghuhulog sa kanya.

I was thinking of introducing Leon to all my friends at home, but I don't know how to tell them. Gusto ko sana ay bago umalis si Kat sa apartment. She'd graduate soon. Kapag nagkataon ay baka mahirapan na kaming magkita-kita.

"Amari, ibinili kita ng duster, oh!" sabi ni Tita Leah sa akin nang bumisita ulit ako sa bahay nila.

She smiled broadly as she lifted the blue and red floral dusters to show them to me and then set them back down.

"Nakita kong ibinebenta sa palengke. Naisip kita agad," dagdag niya pa.

Napansin ko ang panonood sa akin ni Leon kaya tumikhim siya.

"Hindi naman nagsusuot nang gan'yan si Mari, nay," aniya.

Nanlaki ang mga mata ko. Agad akong umiling kay Tita Leah na mukhang anumang oras ay madidismaya na.

"Nagsusuot po ako n'yan, tita!" halos sigaw ko. "Kapag nasa apartment . . ."

Tumawa si Leon. "Really?"

I frowned. "Really, Leon! Ang komportable kaya!"

Lumapit si Tita Leah sa akin at ipinatong sa mga hita ko ang dalawang duster. "Kahit kapag dito ka matutulog. Puwede mong isuot para presko."

"Maraming salamat po, tita. Hayaan n'yo po at kapag wala kaming gagawin ni Leon ngayong Sabado ay kami po ang tatao sa tindahan n'yo."

Umiling siya. "Naku, hindi na! Tapusin n'yo na lang ang thesis n'yo dahil malapit na rin ang defense n'yo, 'di ba?"

Sumagot si Leon. "Oo, nay. Magpa-practice defense muna kami sa treehouse. Magpahinga ka na sa kwarto at ako na ang maghuhugas ng mga pinaglutuan mo kanina."

It was a typical day. I'm getting used to seeing Leon as the best son of his mother. Kita ko kung paano niya ito alagaan at pagsilbihan. His brothers, Nash and Nathaniel, were really blessed to have him as an older brother. Actually, everyone around Leon was lucky to know him.

"What are your thoughts about children not being the retirement plan of their parents? You know . . . the thing on social media. Utang na loob daw ng anak na tumulong sa mga magulang," tanong ko habang naghuhugas siya.

Mabilis siyang tumingin sa akin. "Well, it's not the children's job to help out their parents. They were brought into the world, and it was the parents' responsibility to raise them without thinking of it as an investment."

Napangiti ako sa sagot niya. "So, it's okay to not help, right?"

"Yeah . . . sure." Tumango siya. "Pero kung naging mabuting tao naman sa 'yo ang mga magulang mo . . . isn't it nice to thank them for all they've done? Just don't consider it as debt. Think of it as giving them what they deserve."

"Kaya kapag nakatapos tayo . . . tutulong ka pa lalo sa nanay mo?"

He nodded. "I know it's her job to make sure that I have enough to eat, drink, a place to live in, and an education to get by, but I love her, and I want to help carry some of her burdens." Nakita ko ang pagngiti niya. "Napakabait n'yan. My father left us with debts, but she didn't say anything. Gusto kong guminhawa ang buhay niya kasi nakita ko lahat ng paghihirap niya para ibigay ang lahat sa aming magkakapatid."

Without thinking much, I hugged him from behind and laid my head on his back.

"I can't help but be proud of Tita Leah . . ." I whispered. "She raised an amazing man."

I never thought that there would be a day when all I could feel was love. Love for psychology, love for my art, love for my friends, love for my classmates, and love for Leon. Ibang-iba sa pakiramdam noong una akong nagkaroon ng kasintahan.

Back then, I held all my worries to myself because I was afraid Jin would get mad at me again for having too many problems. I would put up with his yelling because I was too emotionally weak to defend myself. He made me feel like all the demons in my head were right.

So, this relationship I have with Leon was like a . . . reset.

Puwede pala akong magsabi ng problema ko nang hindi natatakot na baka magalit siya. Puwede pala akong magpakita ng kahinaan kasi hindi niya ako sisigawan; aalagaan niya pa ako. Puwede palang sa simpleng paghawak lang sa kamay ko, sa simpleng halik sa noo, sa simpleng pagyakap, matatahimik ang mga bulong sa utak ko.

He loved me more than words could express. He loved me even though I thought I couldn't be loved.

"Congratulations, Mr. Zamora and Ms. Mendoza for winning our university's best thesis award!"

Everyone applauded as we made our way to the front of the hall to receive our certificates. It was at the flag ceremony when it was announced that we had won the best thesis award, defeating all the programs we competed against. Si Leon ang nag-present noon at ako naman ang sumagot sa queries ng mga panel members na akala yata ay display lang ako.

"Thank you for this award. Our study looked at how growing up in a broken family affects a young adult's personality, how well they do in school, and how well they get along with other people . . ." panimula ni Leon nang ibigay sa kanya ni Dean ang mic. "It was my partner's idea, actually," sabay tingin sa akin. "She said that it was relevant and something that a lot of people could relate to."

Napangiti lang ako. Rinig ko ang sigawan ng mga kaklase namin. Nangingibabaw ang boses nina Shaira, Meg, at Zoey. Miski sina Mill at Kat ay humihiyaw para sa akin. Sayang at wala si Karsen ngayon dito. She has a date . . . or work to do with her idol.

"Mari, best girl!" sigaw ni Shaira. "Mari, queen! Mari, slay! Mari, marry me!"

Kinailangan pa siyang puntahan ni Ms. Lubrica para patahimikin.

"Our research hypothesis was accepted, just as we thought it would be. Growing up in a broken family can change a person's values, beliefs, and standpoints. Some of them worked too hard at school, while others rebelled. Some turned into introverts, while others turned into extroverts."

Habang nagsasalita si Leon ay nakatingin lang ako sa kanya. I knew he could relate so much to our study because he grew up without his father. He was the one who worked too hard at school . . . and became introvert. Mabuti nga at binubuksan niya na ang sarili niya sa iba.

"For our recommendations . . ." He glanced at me. "They were all written by my partner."

I gulped as he handed me the mic. Wala 'to sa plano!

"Queen!"

"Ms. Chavez!" suway ni Ms. Lubrica kay Shaira.

I blinked as I looked at the crowd, the pool of people eyeing me. My eyes found Kat, who was looking at me like a proud mother watching her daughter receive her first award . . . and then to Mill, who was looking at me with a small smile on her lips, nodding, and encouraging me to talk.

"First of all, for every child who grew up witnessing their parents fight, listening to shouts and screams, celebrating holidays with different families they know nothing about, understand that when life tumbles down at your feet, sometimes, we shouldn't always pick up the pieces and try to put them back together. Maybe life was teaching us that we should just start over and make something new," mahabang litanya ko.

Nakatingin lang ang lahat sa akin.

"For parents, you bring your children into the world . . . so, even if you're no longer with your partner, please guide them in the best way possible," dagdag ko. "A family is not a connection based on genetic ties. It was conceived from within. Hindi naman kailangang magkaroon ka ng nanay, ng tatay, at ng mga kapatid, para masabing may pamilya ka."

I looked at Kat again and smiled.

"Sometimes, a family can be found in the eyes of the people who will hug you at 3 a.m. when your world seems to be crumbling apart." I then glanced at Mill. "A family can be found in the arms of the people who will shelter you when you're too vulnerable to protect yourself."

I took a deep breath and thought of Karsen.

"A family can be found in the shared smiles, tiny cute voices, pink hairclips, and tight hugs when you feel so tired."

I felt like a veil had been lifted from my eyes when I suddenly realized that I did not come from a broken home. I am blessed with a full and loving family who would go to any lengths for me.

After I finished my third year of college, Kat left the apartment and started working in the province. Uuwi-uwi raw siya para tingnan kami . . . lalo si Karsen na alam naming magiging komplikado ang buhay dahil sa pakikipagrelasyon niya sa isang sikat na personalidad.

"Titingnan-tingnan n'yo si Karsen, ha?" bilin niya pa sa amin ni Mill nang makipag-video call siya.

"Sapak sa 'kin ang boyfriend no'n kapag hindi siya umayos," sagot ni Mill. "Ba't ba kasi hinayaan mong mag-boyfriend agad 'yon? Dapat after college na, eh."

Natutop ko ang bibig. After college pala dapat mag-boyfriend.

"Ikaw ang laging kumukunsinti sa bata, Millicent," saad naman ni Kat.

"Bata," she echoed.

Tumikhim ako. "It is best if we just let them be. Hindi naman kasi mapagsasabihan si Karsen kapag si Kobe ang usapan."

"Isa ka pa, Amari. Dati ay tinatakot mo 'yong isa sa posibilidad ng pagpasok sa relasyon . . . what is happening to you?" suway ni Kat. "You're growing softer, not that it's a bad thing. Pero may dapat ba kaming malaman?"

Halos mapaubo ako. "Uhm . . . maaga pa ang clinical internship ko bukas. I should sleep now."

Mill glared at me. "May itinatago ka talagang gaga ka!"

"We'll talk about this again, Mari. Hindi pa tayo tapos," sabi pa ni Kat.

Tumawa lang ako. One day, I'll find a way to introduce them to Leon. Kapag hindi na kami masyadong nag-aalala sa estado ni Karsen.

The pursuit of fame is not something that I will ever regard as a good thing because it will put you in a place where others are free to criticize you. Your life will be observed with the keen vision of an eagle, and they will sift through every crumb of information there is to find out about you.

At hindi sanay sa ganoon si Karsen. She's just a simple girl who likes pretty and shiny pink things. Tuloy ay kinakabahan na ako para sa mga puwedeng mangyari.

Naging madali lang ang clinical internship namin. May suweldo pa ang napuntahan naming mental hospital, ang Valencia-Desamero Mental Hospital o mas tinatawag na VDMH, kaya mas lalo kaming nakaipon ni Leon.

VDMH offered my boyfriend work right away after he graduated, which he was happy to say he would consider. Dr. Fujimoto saw that he could help clients feel at ease, so she wanted to employ him to the best of the hospital's ability.

Nagustuhan din naman ako ni Mrs. Dela Paz kaya kinausap niya akong magtrabaho rin doon. She told me that if I came back to her after college, she would help me get my master's degree.

"Ang galing natin," bulong ko kay Leon nang i-celebrate namin ang monthsary namin. "We secure work after graduation. Hindi na tayo mahihirapan mag-apply."

Dito kami lagi sa treehouse niya nagce-celebrate ng monthsary dahil ito ang afford namin. Magluluto lang kami nang magkasama, kakain, at matutulog nang magkatabi.

We also put money aside until we had enough to buy a soft mattress and a portable electric fan. Bukod pa roon, nakakapagbayad kami ng renta. We have a small piggy bank where we put anywhere from twenty to fifty pesos every day, and we have both agreed that we will use those funds to celebrate our graduation together.

Kakain kami sa isang steak house at mag-s-staycation sa isang hotel. Buong relasyon kasi namin ay kung hindi lutong-bahay ay sa carinderia kami kumakain.

"Mag-fo-fourth year na tayo." Yumakap siya sa likuran ko. "Once you move out of the apartment, do you want to move in with me?"

Hinawakan ko ang braso niya at humilig sa dibdib niya. "Saka na . . . kapag may kasama na rin ang mga kaibigan ko. I don't want to leave Mill and Karsen. Tatatlo na nga kami sa apartment, eh."

Hindi siya nagsalita.

"At isa pa, wala ka rin namang bahay, ah? Saan tayo mag-s-stay?" tanong ko pa.

His chest heaved. "We'll rent. Mas malapit sa VDMH."

Ngumuso ako. "Baka mabuntis mo 'ko . . ."

"Mendoza," suway niya. "We won't have sex until we get married, remember?"

"Old school," pang-aasar ko.

"Don't test me."

Tumawa ako. "How can you be so confident you can resist me when we live together when I can already feel your throbbing cock on my behind now that you're just hugging me?"

He sighed. "God . . . you are so stubborn."

Hindi na ako nagulat nang iniharap niya ako sa kanya. His lips went right through mine, and if he hadn't promised to have sex with me when I became a Zamora, we could have owned each other's bodies already. Laging hanggang makeout lang kami. When he felt we were being too aggressive, he would pull away and close his eyes in an attempt to avoid contact with me.

Wala kaming matinding pinag-aawayan. Hindi ko lang maiwasan minsan ang magselos kay Psyche dahil ichina-chat siya ng babae minsan para sa lupain nila na matagal naman nang nai-transfer sa pangalan ni Tita Leah.

I can tell that the girl likes him, but luckily, she knows that Leon is taken, so she doesn't try to get it on with him.

Months into our fourth year in college, Karsen faced a crisis that eventually forced her to stay with her boyfriend. Naging maingay iyon sa buong school at miski kami ni Mill ay nasabihang nanto-tolerate ng cheater at manggagamit. Mayaman daw kasi si Kobe kaya pumapayag kaming maging kabit ang kaibigan namin.

It was messy, but all we could think of was Karsen. Binili ko ang hairclips niya na iniisip kong ibigay kay Tita Leah kahit na alam kong wala naman siyang hilig doon. I just want to help my friend out. She was struggling so much.

"Mari, 'yong nasa alkansya natin ang ginamit mo?" tanong ni Leon habang nagtatanghalian kami sa garden ng school. "Akala ko ba ay para sa celebration ng graduation natin 'yon?"

I bit the inside of my lower lip. "Babayaran ko naman. Saka, nag-text ako sa 'yo, 'di ba? Ayoko lang din kasing walang ibigay kay Karsen. She needs help—"

"And you don't?" he cut me off.

Natahimik ako.

"You gave her half of our savings, Mari." He sighed.

"Kaibigan ko si Karsen, Leon. Natural lang na tutulong ako," giit ko. "She starved herself and she faced a lot of bullshit."

Yumuko siya.

Nagbuntong-hininga ako. "I'm sorry . . . babayaran ko rin naman agad."

He shook his head. "You'll save your scholarship stipend for our educational and industrial internship next semester."

"I'll figure it out, Leon . . ."

"Hindi ko maintindihan kung bakit kailangan mong magpanggap na meron ka, Amari," aniya. "You can offer her moral support . . ."

"Moral support? Mapapakain ba n'yan si Karsen?" Tumaas ang boses ko. "Babayaran ko nga bago tayo gumraduate, 'di ba? Ang tagal-tagal pa no'n. Ano bang pinoproblema mo? It's just money! Maiipon ko ulit 'yon!"

"It's not just money, Mari," sagot niya. "It's you, trying to help other people when you know you need help yourself."

I felt like he was feeling sorry for me . . . and I hated it.

"Hindi ko pinipilit na tumulong ka sa 'kin, Leon, kaya sana 'wag mong pakialamanan kung saan ako gagastos," saad ko. "Iyo na 'yong natira sa alkansya. Tig-kalahati naman tayo ro'n, 'di ba? I only spent half."

Fear passed across his eyes.

"That's not what I mean . . ."

I stood up and gathered my stuff.

"Mari naman," tawag niya.

Umiling ako. "You don't understand, Leon. Karsen is my family. At gaya ng turing mo sa pamilya mo, uubusin ko rin ang sarili ko para sa kanila."

Hinawakan niya ang kamay ko. "Yeah . . . sit down please. Sorry na. Let's talk about this more calmly."

That was by far the worst fight we ever had, but we solved it right away, just like we did with other small fights. Nakukuha ko ang punto niya, pero nanindigan ako sa pinaglalaban ko. Hindi niya naman pera ang ginamit ko . . . at gaya ng sinabi ko, ibabalik ko naman 'yon. I just couldn't sit still while my friend was struggling.

We celebrated our first anniversary, but since we were still having trouble with money, we didn't do anything too special . . . or at least what society has labeled "special."

Araw-araw naman kasi, basta kasama ko siya ay espesyal para sa akin. Kahit na hindi kami nakakabili ng bagong gamit para sa sarili. Kahit na hindi kami nakakakain sa mamahaling kainan. Kahit na parang ang mahal mabuhay.

May mga pagtatalong hindi maiiwasan . . . pero kahit isang beses ay hindi namin napag-usapan ang maghiwalay.

I know that we still have a lot to go through in life, but as long as he's by my side, I'm ready for anything.