Chapter 2

The following months were just as horrible. My impression of Leon was tarnished. Kung puwede lang magpalipat sa ibang section para hindi ko na siya makita ay ginawa ko na. Every word that comes out of his mouth annoys the hell out of me! Sa tuwing nagtatama ang tingin namin ay halos mahilo ako kakairap sa kanya.

I swore to myself not to talk to him ever again. Kahit ang sampung pisong utang ko sa kanya ay hindi ko na pinagkaabalahang bayaran. He doesn't want it, right? Edi, 'wag. Salamat sa ten pesos, kung gano'n. Sinisigurado ko rin na hindi na ako magpapatalo sa kanya. I studied twice as hard. Para kay Dad, para sa 'kin, at para sa pagpapabagsak sa posteng nakasalamin na 'yon.

"Galingan mo, Amari!" Narinig kong pag-chi-cheer ni Meg. "Isama mo kami sa Davao kapag nanalo ka!" pahabol niya pa.

I smiled at her. Katabi niya si Shaira na malawak ang ngisi sa akin. I have no idea what she's thinking, and I don't care. Simula noong personal kong kinausap si Leon, na nakita niya pala, ay hindi na niya ako tinigilan sa pang-aasar. Kesyo pakipot lang daw ako at defense mechanism ko lang ang pag-iinarte.

Huh! As if I had shown any interest in that asshole!

"We only have seven participants left," Ms. Lubrica said as she counted our heads. "Gaya ng nasabi namin noon, tatlo lang ang matitira. Best of luck!"

I held onto my whiteboard and marker. Out of 115 participants from three different sections of our program, kami lang ni Leon ang natira sa BS Psychology 1-A.

Lahat ng psychology major ay kasali sa quiz bee at ang tatlong mananalo ay ilalaban sa nasabing Freshmen Affiliation — a convention for first-year psychology students nationwide. If I get lucky, I'll have the chance to attend workshops and seminars for four days. Magandang ilagay iyon sa credentials dahil ang pinakamahuhusay na estudyante lang ang nakakadalo sa programang 'yon.

Alam kong makakapasok si Leon. Ngayon nga ay siya na ang may pinakamataas na score. Sumunod ay si Zoey na dalawang puntos ang lamang sa amin ni Paolo. Those two are from 1-B, and I had never met them before.

My father was aware of the convention and compelled me to go. Gabi-gabi niya akong itine-text para paalalahanan akong mag-aral. I can't imagine what will happen if I don't make it.

"For five points in the first question under the hard category, what do you call it when someone can read and understand spoken language but struggles to speak and write?"

I immediately wrote down Broca's aphasia.

"Raise your boards."

Lumipad agad ang mata ko sa sagot ni Leon at napahinga ako nang malalim nang makitang parehas kami ng sagot. I caught him looking over my answer, as he had been doing since the quiz bee began. Bumaba ang tingin niya sa akin kaya pinanlisikan ko siya ng mata.

I grunted. Kanina pa siya! Talagang sa sagot ko lang siya tumitingin! At kahit walang reaksyon ang mukha niya, alam kong tuwang-tuwa siya kapag nagkakamali ako! Ganoon siya ka-gago!

"Ano?!" I murmured when his eyes lingered on me longer than they should have.

Tahimik lang siyang humarap sa unahan, hindi pinansin ang panggagalaiti ko.

"Okay, everyone got the correct answer," sabi ni Ma'am. Nag-iwas ako ng tingin kay Leon. "Next question, what is the lobe that interprets vision?"

I answered occipital lobe, and just like earlier, it was correct. Narinig ko ang pagsigaw nina Meg at Shaira para sa akin, pero agad din silang pinagalitan ng facilitators. I still have the same score as Paolo, so I need to beat at least him if I want to attend the convention.

Fortunately, I got the next questions correctly. Well, most of us did. Zoey was smart. Pitong puntos lang ang lamang sa kanya ni Leon. Sa sunod-sunod na tanong ay hindi rin siya nagkakamali. It would be hard for me to defeat her. Lalo at paubos na ang mga tanong.

I sighed. Okay lang siguro 'yon. Hindi naman malalaman ng tatay ko na may mas mataas sa akin. Basta makapasok ako . . . that's the goal.

The quiz bee continued. Kahit isa ay walang mali si Leon sa hard category. Sa pagkakaalala ko ay sa easy pa siya nagkamali. Nalito sa pons at medulla.

"Last question."

My heart raced when I heard that. Leon's spot was secured. It would be a moment of truth for Zoey, Paolo, and me.

"Congratulations, Mr. Zamora. You can move aside to make space for our contenders," sabi ni Ma'am.

All of the students applaud him. Maliban sa akin, syempre.

"Ms. Gayahan, Mr. Calong-calong, and Mr. Cabral, you can still answer, pero dahil five points lang ito, imposible nang makapasok kayo," Ms. Lubrica said, referring to the other participants.

"Ayoko na, ma'am!" natatawang sabi ng isa sabay tayo para pumunta sa gilid.

"Ako rin, okay na 'to."

The students laughed and congratulated them. Hindi ko naman masisisi kung sumuko na sila. The questions were trickier and more complex than the first ones. Isa pa, malayo ang scores namin sa isa't isa. The person in fourth place was ten points behind Paolo and I.

"Goodluck, Mari!" sigawan ng mga kaklase ko.

Zoey, Paolo, and I were the only ones left in the center. Their classmates cheered for them. I could feel the tension building in my core. Nag-aral naman ako . . . pero ang hirap pa rin. I can't imagine the words I might hear if my father finds out that I didn't make it to the summer convention. Siguradong pagagalitan niya ako.

I turned to face my classmates to calm myself, but my gaze was drawn to the most irritating, even beneath the glasses, pair of eyes I'd ever seen. He was leaning against the wall with his arms crossed and his head a little tilted. Ang buong atensyon ay nasa akin.

"Yown, oh! Mari n'yo sumusulyap sa inspirasyon niya!" sigaw ni Shaira.

My cheeks heated when I heard laughter and teasing. Tinapunan ko ng masamang tingin ang babae pero nginisian niya lang ako. And what's more worrying was that Leon didn't even move a muscle! Ni hindi man lang niya inalis ang tingin sa akin!

I breathed deeply to pacify my nerves before focusing on my whiteboard. It was obvious. I-di-distract niya ako para hindi ako makapagsagot nang maayos! It was as if he knew that I am often troubled when his eyes are set on me.

"Go, Mari! Galingan mo para makapag-bebe time kayo ni Leon sa Davao!"

Hinigpitan ko ang kapit sa marker ko. Bwisit na mga kaklase talaga! Baka akalain ng mga faculty members na nandito na gusto ko nga si Leon!

Ms. Lubrica then proceeded to silence the students. Hindi ko na tinapunan ng tingin ang mga kaklase ko lalo at ramdam ko ang nanunusok na mata ni Leon sa akin. I could see him out of the corner of my eye, and I couldn't help but be uneasy because he was watching me.

"Two of you should get the correct answer, pero kung pare-pareho kayong tama, naghanda kami ng four questions pa," Ms. Lubrica explained. "Kung after four questions ay wala pa ring nananalo, Ms. Alfaro will automatically take on the second spot since she's two points ahead of Ms. Mendoza and Mr. Ramos. And then the two of you," sabay turo sa amin ni Paolo, "will enter the clincher."

I nodded quietly. Paulit-ulit pa akong huminga nang malalim dahil sa nerbyos.

"Whose work influenced the behaviorist movement?"

The quiz bee continued. The first questions were simple to answer, but under pressure, they grew more difficult. One wrong answer and I might be eliminated.

"Wow, wala pa ring nagkakamali, ah?" nangingiting sabi ni Ma'am. "If Ms. Alfaro gets the correct answer to this question, she can move aside and join Mr. Zamora."

I gulped. The chances of me winning were getting slimmer.

"Anyway, I'll hand you over to Ma'am Abulencia because the dean has just called, and I have an emergency meeting right now. Will that be okay?"

"Yes, ma'am," we answered in unison as Ma'am Abulencia took on Ms. Lubrica's spot.

I'm not sure what had gotten into me, but I found myself throwing a glance at Leon, and when our gazes locked, I noticed that his eyes widened a fraction, as if surprised that I was looking at him. Umayos siya ng tayo bago unti-unting ibinaling ang atensyon sa unahan.

I wonder if he really wants to see me fail. Kaya siya tingin nang tingin. Para kasing hinihintay niyang magkamali ako.

It must be the same reason why he wouldn't let me borrow his book. Ayaw niyang maungusan siya.

"What year was the first experimental psychology lab established in Germany?"

Napatigil ako sa pag-iisip nang marinig ang sumunod na tanong. Tumingin pa ako sa PowerPoint presentation para mabasa iyon nang dahan-dahan.

First experimental psychology lab. Germany. Year.

Fuck.

I don't know the answer! Mahina ako sa dates. I'm sure I read it, but the dates in my head were all mixed up!

"Five. . . four . . . three . . ."

I wrote down 1879 without anything in mind. My heart was racing, and there was no way I could get it to slow down. The sweat on the sides of my head was starting to pile up.

"Raise your boards."

I made a shaky move to lift my whiteboard. Narinig ko ang pagsinghap ng mga estudyante sa paligid kaya napatingin ako sa sagot ng mga kasama ko.

Their answers were similar to each other — 1896.

Agad na nangilid ang luha ko nang magngitian sina Paolo at Zoey kasabay ng pag-iingay ng mga kaklase nila. I bowed my head and bit my lower lip to stop myself from shedding a tear. Hindi puwedeng may tumulo sa mata ko. Nakakahiya. I should demonstrate my sportsmanship. Hindi dapat iyakan ang ganito.

"Okay, it seems like we have our top three!" Mrs. Abulencia announced, making my heart fall in the pit of my stomach.

How will I tell my father about this? Pagagalitan niya ako. Ilang gabi niya akong pinaalalahanan na mag-aral.

"Congratulations, Ms. Alfaro and Mr. Ramos! And thank you for joining us until the end, Ms. Mendoza."

I stood up weakly. I plastered a faint smile on my lips to show them that I'm okay . . . that I accepted my defeat. Naramdaman ko ang panginginig ng tuhod ko, at OA na kung OA pero alam kong sa oras na magsalita ako ay mababasag ang boses ko.

Okay lang 'yan, Amari! You did your best, and your best doesn't always have to beat everyone else's best! Maiintindihan naman siguro ng tatay mo kung hindi ka makakasama sa convention. You should just spend the summer working! And maybe some studying!

You were a loser, right? You can't always win.

"Excuse me, ma'am."

Leon's voice drew everyone's attention. My thoughts instantly came to a halt. Miski ang mga nag-ce-celebrate na estudyante ay napatigil din sa ginagawa.

"Yes, Mr. Zamora?"

Tumingin siya sa akin. His eyes were void of emotions, bagay na ipinagpasalamat ko. That was the last thing I wanted to see — him enjoying my defeat.

"Ms. Mendoza's answer is correct."

Napakapit ako sa arm rest ng upuan ko. My eyes were locked on him.

Anong sinasabi niya? This is his chance to celebrate my loss! Isa pa, kahit ako ay siguradong mali ako. I just wrote whatever date came to mind.

"What do you mean?" untag ni Ma'am.

Leon looked back at her. "The first experimental psychology lab at the University of Leipzig, Germany, was founded in the year 1879."

"How sure are you? I will have to rely on Ms. Lubrica."

He nodded. "I'm certain, ma'am. 'Yong 1896 po ay 'yong year when the world's first psychological clinic opened its doors to patients."

"I'll have to fact-check." Mrs. Abulencia turned to us. "Go back to your seats."

Everyone fell silent. I don't know what to feel. If proven right, I knew I would have to thank Leon.

Now I'm not sure what's scarier — disappointing my father or talking to him again.

"Okay, mali nga ako, class. 1879 'yong nasa notepad ni Ms. Lubrica," Mrs. Abulencia announced after some time. "I'm sorry about that, Ms. Mendoza. You're qualified to take on the second spot."

Everything was a blur after that. Hindi ko alam kung paano, pero wala akong ibang narinig kung hindi ang pang-aasar ng mga kaklase ko sa amin ni Leon.

I didn't have the chance to say my gratitude to him. It just felt different. For months of being each other's competitors, I didn't expect him to stand up for me . . . or do something that would help me.

So, before going to bed that night, I swallowed my pride and broke my promise to myself not to talk to him again by sending him a message on Facebook.

Amari Sloane Mendoza: Thank you.

I clenched on to my blanket as I stared at his profile picture. It looked like a stolen shot. Naka-side view siya, nakasalamin, at suot ang all-white uniform namin. His side profile is no joke, everyone knows that. Napatingin tuloy ako sa profile picture ko na nakangiti lang sa camera. Like him, naka-uniform din ako.

I shook my head, dismissing any compliments I might have given him.

Siguradong sa message request ang diretso ng chat ko dahil hindi namin kami friends. I shouldn't wait for his reply. And I think it will feel more realistic if he doesn't reply.

But then, my heart leaped when he suddenly accepted the message request. I even saw three dots, indicating that he was typing a reply!

"Mari, hindi ka ba makatulog? Ipagtitimpla kitang gatas?" mahinang tanong ni Kat. Naramdaman niya siguro ang paglilikot ko.

Umiling ako. "Magpahinga ka na. May . . ." I said as I paused, "kausap lang ako."

Hindi na siya sumagot. Ibinalik ko ang atensyon sa cellphone at lalong humigpit ang hawak ko sa kumot ko nang makitang may reply siya.

Leon Ysmael Zamora: You're still sad about it?

I wasn't sure why I was staring at his message, feeling a slew of emotions I couldn't put into words.

Alam niyang nalungkot ako? What? Did he see me almost shed a tear too? Pero mabilis lang 'yon at sigurado akong nakayuko agad ako bago pa bumagsak ang luha ko.

Amari Sloane Mendoza: I'm never sad about it. I know how to accept defeat.

Leon Ysmael Zamora: If you say so.

Amari Sloane Mendoza: I'm serious!

Sineen niya na lang ang message ko. I felt Kat's arms circling my body. Sumiksik pa ang babae sa leeg ko.

"Sabi ng mga kaklase ko, ilalaban ka raw sa Davao," she muttered gently. "Ba't hindi mo sinasabi sa 'min?"

I smiled. Ibinaba ko ang cellphone ko at hinayaan siyang sumiksik sa akin. If there are people in the world to whom I can show my real identity, it would be the three of them, Karsen, Mill, and her.

"Sa Summer pa naman kasi 'yon. Hindi rin naman sobrang importante."

"Ano'ng sabi ng daddy mo?"

Mabuti naman.

After telling him that I passed the quiz bee, that's all he had to say.

I faked a smile. "Ang galing ko raw. Mana raw ako sa kanya."

"Magaling ka naman talaga. Pero sa amin ka mana." She tightened her hug as she chuckled. "Ipagluluto kita bukas. Ano'ng gusto mo?"

I felt like crying. The world is just too beautiful, isn't it?

"Kung ano'ng gusto ni Karsen," mahinang sagot ko. "Ilang araw nang humihiling ng karne 'yon."

She chuckled. "Sige. Mamimili ako bukas ng umaga."

Her hands slid down and lightly stroked my left wrist.

That simple act moved the core of my being.

"Masakit pa?" malambing na tanong niya.

Umiling ako, pinipigilang mamuo ang luha sa mata. I hate crying. As much as possible, I don't want people to see that weak side of me.

"'Wag mo nang uulitin, ha?" Her fingers brushed my now healed wounds. "We've made it this far, Amari. Nagtiis tayo ng gutom, ng hirap, ng pagod. What else can't we do? Nandito kami. We're not gonna leave you like they did."

Her words were like a lullaby . . . always so soothing . . . always so comforting.

The truth is, I'm not emotionally strong. For years, I was insecure, constantly pointing out flaws in myself and wondering why everyone seemed to abandon me so easily.

Ng mga magulang ko . . . ng unang lalaking minahal ko.

I know it'll be too shallow for someone with more severe problems, but there have been nights when all I want is peace. And I believe that it can only be found six feet under the ground.

That's the reason why I wanted to study psychology. I want a deeper understanding of myself. I want scientific studies to validate my feelings of inferiority.

But after meeting my father, I can't seem to remember all that because I was driven by achieving high grades.

And for now, I can say that his approval is more important than my will.

Kat's soft breath cradled my neck. Alam kong nakatulog na siya. I carefully picked up my phone to set my alarm, but something in my heart swelled up when I realized that Leon had sent me another message.

Leon Ysmael Zamora: Sleep well, Mendoza.

Time went by swiftly. Inilabas ang Dean's Lister para sa unang semester at nag-tie kami ni Leon. Mas mataas siya sa akin sa general psychology, pero mas mataas ako sa kanya sa Rizal. Parehas lang kami ng average kaya wala akong narinig kay Dad nang ipasa ko ang class list and university ranking sa kanya.

Leon and I were the top psychology students for the first semester. Zoey came second, ang makakasama namin sa Davao.

For the whole semester break, I worked non-stop. Nag-make-up ako sa pageants, weddings, at photoshoots. Back then, I entered beauty pageants, too. Hindi dahil gustong-gusto ko, kung hindi dahil sa prize money na puwede kong mapanalunan. And fortunately, hindi pa naman ako umuuwing talo.

Kasabay ng pagtatrabaho ay ang pag-aaral ko para sa mga subject na i-ta-take namin sa susunod na sem. I busied myself. I bought a new pair of pink earphones for Karsen, two metal piercings for Mill, and a set of acrylic paint for Kat, hoping that my gifts would convey the words I couldn't say straight to them.

It was the last day of semester break when I decided to visit a bookstore.

"Ang mahal mo," bulong ko sa Theories of Personality book. "Saang kamay ng diyos ko naman kukunin ang 1,500?"

Eight hundred pesos per head ang fee ko sa mga kliyente ko. Marami-rami akong ipon dahil maraming nagpaayos sa akin, pero . . . ewan! Ang sakit sa bulsa. PDF na lang kaya ang bilhin ko? Pero iba ang physical book! Isa pa, deserve ko naman siguro 'to? Ang sipag ko kayang magtrabaho!

"Just buy it."

Napatingin ako sa pinanggalingan ng boses. Pinigilan ko ang panlalaki ng mata nang makita si Leon na may hawak ding libro. It was the famous Psychological Assessment and Testing by Cohen and Swerdik.

Oh god! And advance niya talaga! Third year pa namin aaralin 'yon!

He was just wearing casual attire — gray sweatpants and a white basic tee. Ang itim na backpack ay nakasukbit sa balikat.

"Ang mahal kaya," sagot ko bago muling minata ang libro.

He was still my competitor . . . at least, that's how I treated him.

I wasn't expecting to see him here, and I'm not sure why meeting him outside the classroom felt odd. It wasn't the first time I'd seen him dressed casually because we had physical education class together, but I don't know . . . he just makes me feel different. The awkward type of different.

Hindi naman na siya nagsalita. The classic Leon. Mas magugulat pa 'ko kung dadaldalin niya 'ko.

I looked through a few other books, but I kept coming back to Feist's Theories of Personality. Magagamit ko kasi ito sa susunod na sem at sa pag-ta-take ko ng board exam. It was a good investment. Isa pa, kikitain ko rin naman 'yong pera.

While contemplating, much to my surprise, Leon placed something on the book I was holding.

Napa-igtad ako. I didn't even know he was still here!

"Ano 'to?" hindi napigilang tanong ko.

He gave me a sidelong glance. "Bilhin mo na."

Ibinaba ko ang tingin sa parihabang papel at napanganga ako nang makitang 50% discount voucher iyon ng bookstore. Agad kong dinampot iyon at iniabot sa kanya.

"Hindi na. Ikaw na ang gumamit n'yan," sabi ko.

"I don't need it," he said flatly as he lowered his gaze to the book he was holding.

I clenched my jaw. I knew he wasn't financially secure. Gaya ko ay working student din siya dahil noong tinanong kami ng instructor namin kung sino ang mga nagtatrabaho, lahat ay nagulat nang magtaas siya ng kamay. Bali-balitang nagtatrabaho siya bilang private tutor at academic commissioner. He must've put in a lot of effort to afford his books.

"Hindi na nga. Kaya ko namang bilhin 'tong libro nang walang voucher," I insisted.

Kahit nakayuko ay nakita ko ang bahagyang pagtaas ng gilid ng labi niya.

"Pahiramin mo na lang ako pagkatapos mong basahin," he muttered, still not looking at me.

I glared at him. "Hindi rin ako nagpapahiram ng libro!"

Of course, wala naman kasi akong librong ipahihiram bukod sa luma kong DSM-5, ang previous edition ng DSM-5-TR niya.

"I'm not careless."

I kept the book in my left hand and placed my right clenched fist on my waist.

"So, kaya hindi mo ako pinahiram ng DSM-5-TR mo kasi burara akong gumamit, gano'n ba?" I frowned at him.

Nag-angat siya ng tingin sa akin at napansin ko ang pagdaan ng gulat sa mata niya nang makitang nakapamewang na ako sa harap niya.

"I'm afraid you're gonna scribble all over my book with colored highlighters."

Napakurap ako. "Bakit ko naman gagawin 'yon?"

"I've seen your notes."

Umirap ako sa kanya. "Bahala ka. Kunin mo na 'yang voucher mo. Hindi rin kita pahihiramin."

Akala niya naman! Ibibigay niya 'yong voucher sa 'kin tapos dalawa kaming may-ari? Neknek niya! Afford ko 'to! Namahalan lang talaga ako!

"Consider it as a gift."

I retained my pride. "I don't need a gift from you."

"Take it as a bribe then."

Nilingon ko siya. "What?"

He ignored me. He took the coupon and reached into his wallet for something. It was the same size as the voucher, only in a different color. I glanced at it, and I couldn't help but gasp when I noticed that it was an 80% discount voucher for purchases of no more than 2,000 pesos.

"Ayaw mo pa rin?" tanong niya.

I hesitated.

God, gaano kadaming libro ang binili niya para makakuha ng ganito kalaking voucher?!

"What the hell do you want from me, Zamora?" I asked harshly.

Hindi niya ako maloloko! Imposibleng mabait lang siya!

He tilted his head and flashed me the same look he gave me in class.

"Add me on Facebook."

It caught me off guard. "Huh?!"

"What? Your little pride can't take it?" he asked, as if posing a challenge to me

I couldn't understand! Sinong matinong tao ang magbibigay ng voucher dahil lang magpapa-add sa Facebook?! It's not about my pride; it's about his petty request!

Then it hit me. Maybe he thought it was a huge deal for me to add someone on Facebook because I wasn't an active user! Wala pa sa dalawang libo ang friends ko roon, and all of my posts were private!

He wanted to crush my pride without knowing that I don't give a damn about Facebook at all. So, kapag tinanggap ko ang voucher, it's a victory for me!

I smiled at him, and I could tell he was startled.

"'Yun lang?" I asked.

Inilabas ko ang cellphone ko at binuksan ang mobile data nito. I showed him that I had sent him a friend request before taking the coupon from his hand.

"Okay na, ha?" sabi ko pa. "I'll pay for this on the counter. Bye!"

Hindi ko na hinintay na makasagot pa siya. Mabilis akong naglakad sa counter at binayaran ang libro bago pa magbago ang isip niya. I was too happy that I only got the book for 300! Ang laki ng natipid ko!

All because of Leon and his stupid mind games! 'Pride' ko para sa 80% discount? I'm in!

When I got home and saw that he had accepted my request, I stalked his profile. Mahirap na! Baka mamaya ay sinisiraan niya pala ako rito! And, well . . . I also browsed through his pictures.

The stolen pictures from the seminars he used to attend, the pictures with his mother and twin brothers, the collage pictures of his rate as a commissioner and tutor, and our class picture taken on the last day of the first semester.

I noticed a blue circle on his profile picture, making me a bit baffled.

He has a . . . story? Wow. Hindi ko inakalang marunong siya sa ganito. I clicked on it and was even more puzzled to see the book he was holding earlier with the caption, "Got you."

Active pala siya sa ganito? Pinag-ipunan niya siguro ang librong 'yon dahil na-i-story niya pa talaga.

A few seconds after I viewed it, my eyebrows arched because the blue circle mysteriously disappeared.

Imagination ko lang ba 'yon o dinelete niya talaga? Or maybe! Maybe he hid it from me! Puwede 'yon! I-cu-custom mo kung sino ang makakakita ng stories at posts mo! Siguro tinanggal niya 'ko?

I breathed deeply before closing his profile.

Whatever. Basta ako, may libro!