Chapter 16

After giving my self-destructive thoughts a great deal of attention over the weekend, I woke up on Monday morning with a strong desire to apologize to Leon.

"Wow, ang bango ng niluluto mo, ah? Ano 'yan?" tanong ni Mill habang sinisilip ang ginagawa ko.

"Not for you . . ." mahinang saad ko.

"Spam at sinangag?"

Sinubukan niyang kumurot sa spam pero tinapik ko lang ang kamay niya.

"Hindi nga para sa 'yo!"

Sumimangot siya. "Isa lang, eh!"

"Nagtira ako ng para sa inyo. Ikaw na ang magluto," agap ko. "Dadalhin ko 'yan sa school."

"Girl, ako na ang nagsasabi sa 'yo. Mas makakatipid ka kung bibili ka ng pagkain sa school kaysa gan'yang magluluto ka. Ang mahal-mahal ng spam!"

I know . . . but it's for Leon. I should take the initiative to apologize to him.

Ayoko nang tumagal ang away namin. Ako ang may kasalanan kaya dapat lang na ako ang maunang lumapit.

Iniisip ko pa lang na magpapatuloy ang pag-iwas niya sa akin ay lumulubog na sa sakit ang puso ko.

I couldn't imagine living another day feeding my guilt . . . and not being with him. I was wrong. I really shouldn't have made him the recipient of my emotional pain.

Dahil kung gusto ko pa siyang makasama, hindi dapat ako gumawa ng bagay na makapagtutulak palayo sa kanya.

"I'm craving, bakit ba?" sagot ko na lang bago inginuso kay Mill ang natirang sinangag. "Sige na. Mag-umagahan ka na. Hindi ko alam na maaga kang magigising kaya hindi ko agad niluto lahat ng spam. Hindi naman kasi masarap kapag malamig na."

She tousled her hair as she fixed her gaze intently on me as if reading my thoughts.

"Ba't maga ang mata mo?" biglang tanong niya.

Pilit kong ikinunot ang noo para hindi niya pagsuspetyahan na umiyak ako.

"Ang dami kong inaral kagabi," I replied. "Sa puyat siguro."

She shook her head, not buying my answer. "Sino'ng nagpaiyak sa 'yo?"

Iniiwas ko ang tingin sa kanya at nag-focus sa pag-aayos ng pagkain na dadalhin ko kay Leon. She was my friend ever since I was young. Of course, she would know.

"Si Jin? Ginugulo ka pa?" pangungulit niya. "Putangina talaga 'yang ex mong 'yan, ha? Kailangan niya pa ba niyang ma-ospital para manahimik?"

Umiling ako. "I have no issues with him anymore, Mill. Matagal na kaming hindi nag-uusap."

"Eh, bakit nga maga 'yan?! Buong weekend kang tahimik. Ano'ng iniisip mo?" she asked firmly. "'Yan ka na naman. Hindi ka na naman nagsasabi. Hihintayin mo pang ma-tanga ka bago ka magsalita."

Huminga ako nang malalim nang marinig ang pag-aalala sa tinig niya.

"Ako ang may kasalanan nito, Mill . . . 'wag mong masyadong isipin. I brought this to myself, okay?" I said casually.

Hindi siya sumagot kaya ganoon na lang ang gulat ko nang bigla niyang kinuha ang kaliwang kamay ko at mabilis na tiningnan ang pulso ko.

"Ano?" I asked as I tried to get my hand out of hers.

Kung titignan niya ito nang mas matagal . . . sigurado akong makikita niya ang ilang mga sugat na ginawa ko noon.

"You know I'll beat whoever tries to hurt you three, right?" she asked, staring deeply at my wrist.

"I'm not always the victim, Mill." I shook my head. "Hindi porke't umiiyak ako ay ako na ang tama."

At this point . . . I only wanted to apologize to Leon. Sure, I don't want him to leave me, but if he ever realized that I was toxic for him . . . I wouldn't force my way in.

I sighed as Mill left me in the kitchen.

Ipinagpatuloy ko ang ginagawa at sising-sisi sa naging kasalanan ko sa lalaki. Hindi ko alam kung bakit pinasok ko pa 'to. Una pa lang naman, sigurado na akong masasaktan ko lang si Leon.

I had a lot of issues, and he shouldn't be the one who helped me deal with them.

Hindi ako dapat nagpadala sa kilig at saya lang. There are many moving parts in a relationship, and even if I think I'm falling in love with him, the fact that I have negative thoughts about him is just wrong.

Hindi ko puwedeng sabihing mahal ko ang lalaki kung malulungkot ako tuwing makukumpara siya sa akin. Hindi ko puwedeng sabihing dalisay ang nararamdaman ko para sa kanya kung patuloy ko siyang itatrato bilang kalaban.

Love isn't supposed to be like that.

Love is the sound of applause that may be heard in the background while someone is delivering a speech in front of a crowd. Love is smiling to yourself in private while your partner is being praised and complimented by others. Love is a symbol of pride, the silent cheers, and the hidden anchoring . . . not the deep-rooted jealousy.

Kaya wala akong karapatang sabihing mahal ko si Leon kung hindi malinis ang nararamdaman ko para sa kanya.

To: Leon Ysmael

Hi. The exams are approaching. Do you want to study with me? I'll be at the library after our class. Nagdala rin ako ng lunch kung sakaling sasabay ka.

Pikit-mata kong isinend iyon. It was during our break time, and he was seated directly across from me; yet, I couldn't get up and ask him directly.

Mula sa pagbabasa ay sumilip siya sa umilaw na cellphone sa tabi ng libro niya. He then raised his head and looked at me with a blank expression. Sinubukan kong ngumiti, ngunit bago ko pa tuluyang magawa iyon ay yumuko na ulit siya.

I felt a slight pinch in my heart, but I disregarded it right away.

Wala pa 'yan sa mga nasabi at naisip mo tungkol sa kanya, Amari.

Nag-vibrate ang cellphone ko at dali-dali kong tiningnan ang naging reply niya.

From: Leon Ysmael

Just do your thing. I'm not interested.

Parang may sumakal sa dibdib ko nang mabasa iyon. Hindi agad ako nakapag-angat ng tingin sa kanya dahil pakiramdam ko ay makikita niya ang sakit sa mga mata ko.

To: Leon Ysmael

Okay. Aral ka nang mabuti.

I forced myself to take a few deep breaths to relieve the heavy feeling that was building up in my chest. I felt dismissed and rejected, but again, wala iyon kumpara sa ginawa ko.

To: Leon Ysmael

Just let me know if you still want the packed lunch, and I'll give it to you later.

From: Leon Ysmael

No, thank you.

Tuluyan kong ibinaba ang cellphone. Wala akong lakas ng loob para tingnan siya kaya hanggang sa makarating ang instructor namin ay nakayuko lang ako. I would just text him again later. Siguro ay kapag hindi ko na siya kaharap.

"Do you remember the ABC model of psychology I taught you before?" tanong ni Ms. Lubrica sa klase. "A is the antecedents, B is the behaviors, and C is the consequences."

"Yes, ma'am," the whole class answered.

"Well, I want to address it more thoroughly this time because our subject is psychological assessment and we need to understand the basis of one's behavior," she said. "So . . . aside from Mr. Zamora and Ms. Mendoza, do you guys think that a person's trauma, fears, and past are valid reasons for his or her bad behavior?"

Nagtaas ng kamay si Zoey.

"Yes, Ms. Alfaro?"

She stood up. "Ma'am, I think that a person's trauma is not an excuse to keep inflicting pain on others," she said. "Yes, it's not your fault if everyone around you tells you that you're nothing and will never amount to anything, but it's up to you to figure out how to make peace with that pain, how to move on from it, and how to create a life that is rewarding for you despite it."

I gulped as a familiar chord started to pluck at my chest.

"Good point," tumatangong sabi ni Ma'am.

"People today fear taking responsibility. Hindi naman porke't nasaktan tayo dati ay may karapatan na rin tayong manakit ng iba. Be responsible for your actions, because even though your trauma wasn't your fault . . . it wasn't another person's fault either. Syempre bukod do'n sa totoong nagdala sa 'yo no'n," Zoey added as she shrugged. "The fundamental line is that we cannot let our grief and pain transform us into demons that leave a trail of damage in all that they do."

"True!" pagsang-ayon ni Shaira. "Marami po sa social media ngayon na vina-validate na lahat. I mean, serial killers usually have bad upbringings, but does that give them the right to kill?" Umiling siya. "Hindi puwedeng intidihin na lang lagi sila, lalo na kung nakakasakit na sila sa iba."

"Well said," sabi ni Ma'am. "You guys are showing me that you're indeed in your third year."

"Naks, may recitation ako," natatawang bulong ni Shaira.

Hindi ako makangiti. Somehow, the quick rundown of opinions struck something deep within my being. My antecedent was my father putting weight on my shoulder, and my behavior was bringing Leon down . . . kaya kami nandito ngayon.

Should I blame my dad? No . . . I was the one at fault.

Ako ang nagsabi ng masama kay Leon. Ako ang may naisip na hindi tama.

I should know how to deal with my father's pressure, put it behind me, and build a good relationship with someone who did nothing but take care of me.

"Keep in mind that just because we tell them to take accountability doesn't mean we're dismissing their trauma," sabi ni Ms. Lubrica. "Just don't give other people wounds to heal, because you know that it takes time to get better."

Hindi iyon nawala sa isip ko hanggang sa matapos ang klase. I remember Leon saying that we should be responsible for the choices we make . . . and I think it is time for me to really apologize to him for making such a bad choice.

To: Leon Ysmael

Hi, uuwi na rin ako. Puwedeng sumabay?

Nauna siyang umalis ng room at hindi ko naman siya nahabol dahil nakita kong naghihintay na ang mga kaibigan niya sa labas kanina. I want to ask him again to have lunch with me or study with me, but it was quite clear that he was upset with me, and I don't want to make things worse between us.

Naghintay ako ng tatlumpung minuto pero wala akong natanggap na reply. After giving the packed lunch I prepared earlier to a homeless child outside our university, I went home feeling hopeless.

Unang araw pa lang naman ng paghingi ko ng tawad. Leon was patient all this time. Hindi ako dapat magsawa.

I did the same thing the next few days. I cooked food even though it always ended up going to a homeless child or elderly person because Leon often managed to dodge my bullet.

Para kaming nagkapalit ng posisyon . . . at napagtanto kong hindi madali ang ginagawa niya.

To: Leon Ysmael

I made a copy of my notes. Would you like some?

From: Leon Ysmael

I have my own.

To: Leon Ysmael

Baka lang may na-miss ka rin. I reviewed all the pdfs back to back. You can check mine. Just say a word and I'll give it to you now.

From: Leon Ysmael

No need. I went over everything too.

"Mari, pahiram na ng notes mo, please!" sabi ni Meg. "Alam kong hindi ka basta-basta nagbibigay ng reviewer pero parang awa mo na! Ililibre kita ng lunch buong linggo!"

I took a quick glance at Leon once more, and my heart throbbed in pain when I realized that he really didn't want my notes.

Syempre, mas may tiwala siya sa gawa niya. Hindi niya kailangan ang akin.

"Oh . . ." saad ko bago iniabot kay Meg ang folder. "Na-highlight ko na rin d'yan 'yong mga posibleng lumabas sa exam."

"Yey! Hulog ka ng langit!"

Hindi ko na alam kung ano pang gagawin kong paglapit kay Leon. I wanted to apologize to him, but I didn't want to do it over a text message.

Kahit hindi niya na ako gustuhin ulit . . . basta makahingi lang ako ng tawad, okay na. Mukha namang wala na rin siya pakialam sa akin. The only thing I could ask for was for him to know I was sorry.

To: Leon Ysmael

Ang bilis mong nakasakay ng jeep. Sayang at hindi kita naabutan. Hahaha. Ingat ka.

I sent it after rushing after him. I kept calling him, but a lot of students were between us, so my voice got lost in the crowd. Pagkalabas naman ng university ay nakasakay na agad siya sa isang punong jeep. I couldn't do anything but watch him leave while wiping the sweat off my forehead.

To: Leon Ysmael

I saw that you were still online. Nasa tree house ka?

To: Leon Ysmael

Malamok ba d'yan kapag ganitong oras? You should get yourself a mosquito repellant.

To: Leon Ysmael

Did you bring any food or water? I'm still wondering how you slept there, knowing you might get hungry.

He did not respond to any of my messages, so I had no choice but to let it go.

To: Leon Ysmael

Good night. I hope you sleep well on your mat. I'll bring some relieving patches tomorrow if your back hurts.

Pinilit kong huwag umiyak dahil kasalanan ko naman, at ang hindi niya pagpansin sa akin ay resulta ng naging ugali ko.

I deserve this. I have earned the pain of missing him. I deserve to suffer from my longing for him.

I wonder, after all this . . . if he would still want me. Kahit naman kasi paulit-ulit kong itatak sa isip ko na ayos lang sa akin na ayawan niya ako, alam kong may parte pa rin sa puso ko ang gustong ipagpatuloy ang relasyong binubuo namin.

That if I were given a choice between hating or loving him . . . I knew I would fight my own feelings just to let the latter win.

Maaaring matisod ako habang ginagawa iyon. Maaaring mag-isip pa rin ako ng hindi maganda. Maaaring maulit ang pananakit ko sa kanya.

But at the end of the day, I knew I wouldn't be able to let go of the feelings that I had for him.

Even if he decides to leave. Even if he regrets ever liking me. And even if he realizes that he deserves better.

Days passed and nothing had changed. Tuwing sinusubukan kong lumapit sa kanya ay bigla kong naiisip na baka mainis siya kaya nababahag ang buntot ko. Hindi ko na alam kung ano pang gagawin ko para makausap siya ulit. Bihira naman kasi ang pagre-reply niya.

"Mari, may nag-text sa 'yo," sabi ni Zoey habang inginunguso ang cellphone ko.

Thinking it was Leon because he was currently on his phone, I excitedly opened it . . . only to be disappointed.

From: Mr. Mendoza

Meet me at the Grand Hyatt after your class. We have a lot to talk about.

I'm not sure what to say. He was the last person I wanted to talk to because I knew that a single word from him could destroy all of the progress I had made in getting my thinking right. Baka kapag nakausap ko siya ay maligaw na naman ako . . . baka maging makasarili na naman ako.

To: Mr. Mendoza

May group study po kami mamaya. Exam week na po kasi namin.

From: Mr. Mendoza

Lay off the excuses, Amari. If you don't show up, I'll have to ask you all to leave my apartment.

From: Mr. Mendoza

I'm doing this for you.

I clenched my fist hard and gritted my teeth when I realized I had no choice but to meet him. Kaya naman pagkatapos ng klase ay paulit-ulit kong sinabi sa sarili na hindi ko dapat hayaang maapektuhan ako sa mga sasabihin ng tatay ko.

"Mendoza."

Halos mapako ako sa kinauupuan ko nang marinig ang boses ni Leon sa tapat ko. I instantly turned my head to look at him, and my chest burst with joy when I saw that he was, indeed, standing in front of me, clutching a stack of papers while staring at me with no expression on his face.

I cleared my throat as I stood.

"Hi . . ." I managed to say.

Ipinatong niya ang mga papel sa ibabaw ng armrest ko. "Review those. Para sa title defense natin."

"Ah, okay!" I chuckled awkwardly. "'Y-Yon lang ba?"

My heart was beating so hard that it hurt. Hindi niya ba ako yayayaing kumain o mag-aral kasama niya? Hindi niya ba ako . . . nami-miss? We haven't had any real communication since I made a mistake . . . wouldn't he at least try to listen to me?

I felt a sharp pain in my chest when he nodded.

I put on a smile. "Okay . . . ingat ka pauwi."

Ako na ang naunang magbawi ng tingin. Nagmamadali kong inayos ang gamit ko dahil pakiramdam ko ay sasabog ang emosyon ko sa harap niya. I felt bad about what I had done, but I didn't know what to do anymore. I'm used to being turned down and ignored . . . hindi lang talaga ako sanay kapag si Leon.

"Uuna na 'ko," sabi ko dahil nanatili pa rin siya sa harap ko. "Aaralin ko lahat 'to mamaya," sabay taas sa mga papel.

I gave him one last smile before walking past him. Nang tuluyang makalabas ng university ay sumakay agad ako ng bus patulak sa Grand Hyatt kung saan kami magkikita ni Dad.

My emotions were all over the place, but at least I heard Leon call me Mendoza again. At least I got to talk to him again, even if it was only for a short time.

Babawi ako sa kanya. Isang mahabang pag-uusap lang . . . aaminin ko sa kanya ang lahat.

Ang pagsasaya ko noong na-late siya dahil nakakapag-recite ako nang walang kakumpitensya, ang kondisyon ng tatay ko kapalit ng pananatili namin sa apartment, at ang totoong nararamdaman ko para sa kanya.

I would be completely honest with him. Just one talk . . . and things would get better.

"Did you do what I asked you to do?"

Iyon ang bungad sa akin ni Dad nang makaupo ako sa harap niya.

"Ang alin po?" kalmadong tanong ko kahit na alam ko naman ang tinutukoy niya.

"I did a background check on your boy and found out that he was in the middle of transferring land titles." His lips arched into a smug grin. "He had a lot on his plate at the moment. And if you can keep him in check, you'll beat him to the top."

I knew it. I knew that talking to him would be pointless.

"Hindi ko po gagawin 'yon kay Leon, Mr. Mendoza," I said firmly. "He worked as a private tutor and an academic commissioner while dealing with land titles and keeping up with his studies. Kung mayroong isang taong karapat-dapat na maging valedictorian ng batch namin . . . alam kong hindi po ako 'yon."

Nakita ko ang pagdaan ng labis na galit sa mga mata niya pero hindi siya nakapagsalita agad dahil dumating ang server para ilagay ang pagkain na siguro ay inorder niya kanina.

"I see," he muttered. "Things were going in the opposite direction."

Tinibayan ko ang loob ko.

Yes, I'm a crappy person, but I will never use dirty tricks to get what I want.

"It looks like you've forgotten my rules . . ." He smiled. "Kung wala pala sa isip mo ang pagiging top psychology student ng batch n'yo, I don't see the reason why I'm talking to you."

I bit my lower lip when a sharp pain stabbed my heart.

"I told you. I'll only acknowledge you as my daughter once you prove yourself to me . . . but so far, all you've done is disappoint me." He chuckled sarcastically. "My firm needs the brightest students, not those who are vulnerable to irrational impulses."

I felt like crying . . . but I couldn't. Not in front of him.

I know right now that my dream of hearing that I'm making my father proud is over.

"Dahil mukhang sinusuway mo na 'ko at wala ka nang paggalang sa akin, mabuti pang putulin na natin ang ugnayan nating dalawa."

I put my hands together to collect my thoughts. It should be okay, Amari. You have lived this long without him. You'll get by just fine.

"Do what you want, Mr. Mendoza," I whispered bravely. "If getting your recognition means I'll have to reshape myself and create a monster within me . . ." Huminga ako nang malalim nang maramdaman ang muling pagguhit ng sakit sa dibdib ko. "Inyo na ho 'yan."

Lalo siyang napangisi. "You're an idiot for falling in love with that guy."

I gulped the lump in my throat. "I'd rather be an idiot than a demon created by my own destructive thoughts, Mr. Mendoza."

"Then I think you'll be okay without my apartment?"

I tightened my grip on my fist as I tried to keep a tear from coming out of my eye.

Amari, you're in control of your decisions. Hold yourself accountable for the choices you make.

And so, slowly, I gave him a nod, breaking my heart a bit more.

"Kung 'yon po ang gusto n'yo . . ." marahang saad ko.

I don't want to change myself for him anymore. I don't want to make things worse by continuing my damaging ways.

Baka makasakit ako lalo . . . baka hindi ko na mabawi ang totoong ako.

I am not competitive. I'm a lover of learning . . . but I'm not this competitive. I am not driven by grades. Hindi ako 'to. Hindi ako ang tipo ng tao na magpapakalunod sa pag-aaral at mananakit ng iba para lang umangat.

Ayoko nang magbago. Ayoko nang masaktan ko si Leon lalo.

I didn't want to be hunted down by my demons again. Ngayong ramdam na ramdam ko ang paglayo ni Leon ay alam kong malaki ang naging pagkakamali ko. If this doesn't stop now, I will surely destruct myself.

At hindi ito ang natutunan ko sa sikolohiya. Hindi ito ang itinanim sa akin ni Ms. Lubrica.

My dream is to be a psychologist who will help people get over their trauma, and for now, this is my first and most vital step to get over mine.

"Do you really think Leon is in love with you?" natatawang tanong niya. "You are too hard to deal with, so it's only fair that your first boyfriend cheated on you."

Hindi ako umimik. Of course, he did a background check on me too.

"Lahat ng lalaking mapupunta sa 'yo ay mapapagod sa ugali mo. You're insecure, toxic, and overreacting. You think you know everything, but in reality, you're just too draining to be around," he said, with the goal of hurting me . . . and he was doing quite a good job. "Sinasabi ko 'to sa 'yo bilang tatay mo. I've been with you for only a few years, pero masasabi kong mahirap kang pakisamahan. Puro ka sarili mo. You never think of others."

"H-Hindi po totoo 'yan," sabi ko, bahagyang nanginginig ang boses.

Tumawa siya. "Syempre hindi mo naman mapapansin 'yon. Hindi ba at kaya hindi mo sinabi sa mga kaibigan mo ang kondisyon ko sa 'yo ay para maipakita mo sa kanila na sinuwerte ka? Para isipin nilang nakakaangat-angat ka?"

I gritted my teeth. "Hindi ko po sinabi dahil ayokong masira kayo sa kanila."

"Liar . . ." he said, shaking his head. "But okay. If you want to keep this game, I'll let you stay in my apartment, but the rent will be 8,000 per month." He stood up and chuckled. "I thought you were different, but it turned out that you were just a whiner with a high IQ but bad decision-making skills."

He left, and I sat there processing what happened.

Today, I lost my father . . . even before I had the chance to experience having one.

Hindi ko alam kung paano, pero nagawa ko pang ipabalot sa server ang pagkaing hindi namin nagalaw para iuwi iyon sa mga kaibigan ko.

"Itira natin ang iba kay Karsen, ha?" sabi ni Kat nang makita ang pagkaing dala ko. "Mill! Kumain ka na rito! Sabayan mo 'ko!

And as I watched them eat, I made a promise with myself that I would work three times as hard to ensure that they lived a stress-free life in this apartment.

Hindi ko sasabihin sa kanila ang tungkol sa renta. I knew Kat would take on the responsibility again, and I didn't want that to happen, especially because she was a graduating student.

Walong libo . . . kung gusto kong makuha iyon ay kailangan ko ng hindi bababa sa labingtatlong kliyente buwan-buwan. Bukod pa ang sariling panggastos.

It will be hard . . . but I'll be better. I'll do better.

To: Leon Ysmael

Hello, I did something today that will make you proud. I'd tell you about it one day . . . kapag siguro magkaibigan na tayo? O kapag hindi ko na makikita ang inis sa mukha mo kapag nagtetext ako? Hahaha. Kidding. But really, thank you for making me see things so early, Leon. Everything we did together will be remembered fondly because I realized that your absence from my life is a huge step toward my personal growth. Hindi ko masasabi sa 'yo lahat ng 'to sa personal, pero ang dami kong kailangang gawin ngayon. Another obligation has been placed on my shoulders. However, my heart feels lighter . . . and I want to thank you for being the contributing factor to my development. I'm sorry for everything I did. Babawi ako sa 'yo. Miss na kita. Sana hindi mo na ako iwasan . . . but take your time.

Napapapikit ako sa inis ako nang makitang hindi iyon nag-send dahil naubusan na ako ng load. Sighing, I opened my messenger intending to message him there, but when I saw that he had a Facebook story, I changed my mind.

I clicked on it and saw a picture of an old but beautiful woman walking on a property with the caption, "You deserve the world, nanay. I'll accomplish more things for you. I promise."

Hindi ko alam kung bakit sa simpleng larawan at mga salitang iyon ay bumuhos ang luha ko. It hurt my heart so much that it was hard for me to breathe.

Leon was a good son, a good student, a good brother, and a good person in general, but I was so mean to him. . . I hurt him so much that I don't think I deserve him anymore.

Habang iniisip kong maging magaling para kay Dad ay iniisip niyang maging magaling din para sa nanay niya. We both had antecedents, but my behavior in the situation was so bad that I no longer knew how to deal with consequences.

Maybe this is another important thing the universe is trying to tell me.

I deleted my supposed message and cried a little bit more.

Amari, you fell in love with the right person, but sadly, you will never be the right person for him.