Chapter 15

"Class, we'll be having an educational camp," sabi ni Ms. Lubrica. "Alam kong kasabay 'to ng exams at title defense n'yo, but the camp is mandatory and is included in the curriculum."

Narinig ko ang pagrereklamo ng mga kaklase ko. Of course, who wouldn't? Most of them were still having trouble with their manuscripts, and the exams that were coming up were no laughing matter. Tapos mag-ca-camp? Saang kamay ng diyos naman namin kukunin ang oras?

"Dahil hindi tayo nagkaroon ng tour no'ng mga nagdaang taon, the Psychology Society proposes this two-day and one-night camp," pagpapaliwanag pa ni Ma'am. "But don't worry, I'll ask the dean if we can move it before your title defense."

Iyon lang ang huling sinabi ni Ma'am bago siya nagsimulang magklase. I felt my cellphone vibrate, but I didn't check it because I knew it was Leon. Kita ko kasing nag-ce-cellphone siya.

I furrowed my brow at him. He just pointed to his cellphone to show that it was him who texted me.

"Mamaya," I mouthed. "Ang landi mo na naman," dagdag ko pa.

His lips curled into a grin before he turned his attention to Ms. Lubrica. I did the same.

Nitong mga lumipas na buwan ay halos nasasabayan ko ang performance niya. I'm not sure if he's just paving the way for me or if I just really enjoy the topics we're covering this semester.

Kaya hindi ko maintindihan kung paanong nasabi ni Dad na mas magaling pa rin ang lalaki sa akin. It's not like I'm always the second best.

I have a strong feeling that we will end up being tied again. Our midterm grades were quite comparable to each other.

If both of us perform well on our defenses and final exams, there is no question that our names will appear at the top of the dean's list.

Nang matapos ang klase ay saka ko lang binuksan ang messages ni Leon.

From: Leon Ysmael

Sabay tayong maglunch.

From: Leon Ysmael

Please.

Napairap ako. Vocal ang lalaki pagdating sa mga ganitong bagay. Hindi ko alam kung paano at bakit, pero kapag kasama niya ako ay nawawala ang supladong Leon na kilala ng lahat.

Pero kahit na madalas na kaming magkasama ay pribado pa rin ang panliligaw niya. It was my personal request. Ayoko kasi ng atensyon.

After he informed me that he would pursue me, I felt as if I had the upper hand, especially because he was unaware of my feelings for him.

Natutuwa nga ako dahil kahit wala akong ibinibigay na assurance sa kanya ay hindi naman siya tumitigil. Ayoko kasing nilalapitan lang ako ng isang tao dahil lang may inaasahan siya sa akin.

To: Leon Ysmael

Kasabay ko sina Karsen. Next time ka na.

I looked up at him and his eyes were on me, as usual. Napansin niya sigurong nagreply ako dahil agad niyang kinuha ang cellphone niya. Kitang-kita ko ang pagsimangot niya nang tuluyang mabasa ang mensahe ko.

From: Leon Ysmael

When's the next time?

I frowned as I typed.

To: Leon Ysmael

I hate demanding guys.

Tiningnan ko siya at napangisi ako nang makitang lalong kumunot ang noo niya.

From: Leon Ysmael

I'm kidding. Just take your time and enjoy lunch with your friends.

To: Leon Ysmael

Good. We have a few Saturdays left to spend together. Magsawa ka naman sa mukha ko.

From: Leon Ysmael

Are you serious? You're too pretty. I can't imagine not wanting more.

Hinigpitan ko ang kapit sa cellphone ko at nag-iinit ang mukhang sinamaan siya ng tingin. Mukha namang tuwang-tuwa siya sa nangyayari.

"Fuck off," I mouthed before I slid my phone to my bag.

Naramdaman ko ang pagsiko sa akin ni Shaira kaya tinapunan ko siya ng tingin. Hawak niya ang printed copy ng paper nila ni Zoey, tila inaaral ang mga revisions na kailangang gawin.

"Dahan-dahan naman sa landian," pang-aasar niya. "Ibunyag ko kayo, eh."

I made a face. "Siya ang pagsabihan mo."

She chuckled. "Ganda mo naman, ma'am."

"I know," I answered while laying my hand in front of her.

Agad niya namang ibinigay sa akin ang hawak. Dumikit siya sa akin at sinabi ang revisions na hindi niya maintindihan kung bakit pinapapalitan.

I instructed her what I knew about some things, and she just nodded, showing that she understood what I meant. Their paper was almost finished, so her partner was busy helping Meg.

Kami naman ni Leon ay nakatapos na rin. Wala kaming revisions kaya puwedeng hindi na kami pumasok every Saturday. But, of course, we still have to get ready for the title defense and watch out for any problems that might come up. Iyon ang pinagkakaabalahan namin ngayon. Kahit wala naman kaming nakikitang butas sa studies na ipepresent namin ay kailangan pa rin naming mag-ingat.

I've actually been hoping that our research would be eligible for the best thesis award because it would guarantee a medal in the graduation ceremony, and I was kind of expecting it because we were both the top students.

Isa pa, kahit walang sabihin si Dad, alam kong inaasahan na niya ito sa akin. At kahit hindi naman si Leon ang ka-partner ko, kailangan kong makamit ang award na 'yon.

Getting that award means I'm one of the best students, which was something I really wanted to show my father. Baka kung sakaling hindi ako ang maging top psychology student ng batch namin ay matuwa pa rin siya sa akin kung makukuha ko naman ang best thesis award.

"Bet ko talaga si Leon for you," biglang bulong ni Shaira. "At alam kong bet mo rin siya."

Umirap ako. "Siraulo ka."

"Seryoso. You glow differently around him," she insisted. "Alam mo 'yon? 'Yong shortcomings n'yo . . . parang kayang punan ng isa't isa. Leon is quiet, but with you, he's talking a lot. Tapos ikaw, medyo maldita, pero kuha naman niya ang ugali mo."

Lihim akong napangiti sa sinabi niya. Leon never lost his temper with me. Kaya niyang intindihin ang pagsusungit ko at hindi siya nagsasawang alagaan ako kahit na hindi ko naman ipinapakita sa kanya kung gaano ko nagugustuhan iyon.

I don't know. Natatakot ako na baka kapag nalaman niya ang nararamdaman ko para sa kanya, magbago ang pakikitungo niya sa akin. I wanted to move slowly with him because that would give me more time to feel like he was interested in me.

But for now, I could see myself naively surrendering myself to him.

Sana lang hindi pa siya magsawa sa akin.

"Mari at Leon, pumunta raw kayo sa faculty office sabi ni Ma'am Abulencia! Tungkol daw sa thesis!" sigaw ni Zoey mula sa pintuan ng room.

Kumunot ang noo ko pero hindi na ako nagtanong. I handed Shaira their paper and stood up to see what was going on. Sumunod naman agad ang lalaki sa akin.

Dahil nasa iisang floor ang room namin at ang faculty office ay mabilis kaming nakarating doon.

I was a little concerned that our paper would need changes because we had already been practicing for defense. Kung may revision man ay baka mahaba-habang re-writing ang mangyari.

"Good morning, ma'am," bati namin ni Leon kay Ma'am Abulencia nang makapasok kami sa faculty office.

Tumango siya at inilahad ang dalawang upuan sa harap ng mesa niya. I sat down right away, and so did Leon.

"I've been eyeing your paper for quite some time," she said that immediately doubled my heartbeat. "May prefer ba kayong study sa tatlong 'yan?"

I cleared my throat to let Leon know that I was going to answer. Mukha namang na-gets niya ako dahil hindi na siya nagsalita.

"Nag-meeting na po kami ni Leon, and what we wanted to find out was how growing up in a broken family affects a young adult's personality, academic performance, social life, and romantic relationships. We think it's timely and interesting," I replied confidently.

She was in charge of our section's thesis, and she would decide who would have the opportunity to get the award. She would meet with the other consultants, and the final choice would represent our program.

She was my least favorite teacher. Madalas kasi niyang suwayin ang make-up ko at ilang beses din akong na-late sa klase niya kaya napapagalitan niya ako. Even so, I knew she was fair. She had our program's success in mind at all times.

"Okay, I'm gonna be straightforward," she said as she put her left elbow on her table and rested her chin on her knuckles. "You guys have good topics, and I'm pretty sure you'll do well at the defense, so I've been wanting to present your study at the research congress."

I tried my hardest not to gasp when I heard that.

God, I was just thinking about it!

"Kapag maayos n'yong natapos ang chapters 4 and 5, kayo na talaga ang isasalang ko," she added.

Participation in the research congress ensures that our study has the potential to be the best thesis! I knew it! I knew she was fair! And she didn't even consider the possibility of including other sections! Baka nanalo talaga sa kanya ang thesis namin!

Hindi ko naitago ang pagngiti. "Yes, ma'am. We'll surely give it our all."

"Thank you, ma'am," saad naman ni Leon.

I was too delighted. Wala pa man ay nakikita ko na ang ngiti ng tatay ko kapag sasabitan niya ako ng medal. Alam kong maraming magandang thesis, pero mas naniniwala ako sa kakayahan namin ni Leon! We'd give justice to our study!

Tumango-tango si Ma'am. "However, sa research congress, isa lang 'yong puwedeng mag-defend."

I tilted my head up. That's inarguably me! Mas magaling ako sa public speaking kaysa kay Leon! Mas madadala ko ang thesis namin!

"And I actually want Mr. Zamora to do that."

Mabilis akong napatigil sa pag-iisip nang marinig iyon.

"Po?" tanging nasabi ko.

"Ma'am, it's Ms. Mendoza's forte," sabi ni Leon.

"I mean, nasa sa inyo pa rin naman ang desisyon kasi titingnan natin kung sino'ng mas may alam ng study, pero based sa ibang panelist na uupo sa defense n'yo, we need someone who is calm and can go through every hole we may have missed."

Wait . . . and I can't do that?

What does she think of me?! I'm a top student as well! I can check every problem that may arise even without the help of Leon! Ako pa nga ang nag-isip ng topic namin, eh! Nagdagdag lang ng variables ang lalaki!

"Ms. Mendoza is a good speaker, but, of course . . ." She shrugged. "We need more."

Parang may bumara sa lalamunan ko nang tuluyang maproseso ang ibig niyang sabihin.

Wow. What an insensitive blow.

"Ma'am, mas magaling po sa 'kin si Mendoza sa public speaking. She's very hands-on when it comes to preparing our paper, and she's well-versed in how to respond to any question that is posed to her, so I have no doubt that she'll defend our research more effectively than I can," mahabang litanya ni Leon.

I breathed as I put on a fake smile. It's okay! It's not like I'm completely ignorant that Leon is everyone's favorite. Thesis pa rin naman namin 'yon. Hindi lang ako kasali sa mag-de-defend sa congress. Of course, it shouldn't be a big deal.

"Okay, ma'am. We'll consider everything you've said," I said.

"Amari," si Leon.

Umiling ako sa kanya at bahagyang tumawa. "Mas okay nga 'yon! Ikaw ang mas busy! Bahala kang gumawa ng script mo kapag nag-defend ka ro'n!" pagbibiro ko pa kahit na pakiramdam ko ay isinampal sa akin ng tadhana kung saan ko dapat ilagay si Leon sa buhay ko.

The Psychology Society needed more . . . and I couldn't give that.

He was the only one they believed could represent our program. Even if I put forth double the effort, wala namang mangyayari. Alam naman kasi ng lahat na mas magaling si Leon. He was the full package. Kung hindi lang ako masipag ay hindi ko naman siya matatapatan.

I took another gulp. Ang sabi ni Kat, hindi ko dapat hilingin ang makalamang sa ibang tao. I should keep that in my head.

I couldn't possibly beat everyone. I could never be the most intelligent and the most capable. Laging may mas hihigit . . . at hindi naman ibig sabihin noon ay hindi na ako magaling.

But hell, she didn't teach me how to not think about it!

"Then, it's settled," kuha ni Ma'am sa atensyon namin. "Pangalan n'yo pa rin naman ang lalabas sa best thesis award kung sakaling manalo kayo, pero syempre, meron din tayong best presenter. So . . . I'm expecting you guys to do your studies thoroughly and best of luck, I guess."

Masama ang loob ko nang lumabas kami ng office. I was compared to Leon . . . to the guy I like . . . again.

Gaano ba kalayo ang agwat namin? Nag-aaral naman ako, ah? Nagbabasa rin naman ako gaya niya. My life is as inspiring as him. Ano pa ba ang kailangan kong gawin para maging first choice kapag nandiyan siya?

"Kapag napili ang study natin, ikaw na ang mag-present. Hindi naman ako magaling do'n," sabi niya habang pabalik kami sa room.

Lalong bumigat ang pakiramdam ko. Ano 'to? Pampalubag-loob? Ayan na naman siya sa pagbibigay ng daan para sa 'kin. Nakakabastos.

I chuckled sarcastically. "Didn't you hear Ma'am? I don't need your pity, Zamora."

"I'm not trying to sympathize with you," he said. "This is for our study, and I really think you can do better than me."

I slowed down and turned to face him.

"The society needs more. Hindi mo ba naintindihan? Iniisip ni Ma'am na ikaw lang ang may kaya no'n." I clenched my teeth when I felt a slight pinch in my heart. "Tingin mo ba, matapos kong harap-harapang marinig na mas magaling ka sa 'kin, kaya ko pang i-present ang punyetang thesis na 'yan?"

He was taken aback. "You know I'm not better than you. Hindi ko para isipin 'yan," malumanay pa ring sabi niya.

"Bullshit," natatawang sagot ko. "If this is your way of calming me, you are not helping. Mas gugustuhin ko pang makitang nagsasaya kang napili ka kaysa iparamdam mo sa 'king nagpaparaya ka."

Umiling siya. "Hindi naman ako nagpaparaya. I just know that you're good at this . . ."

I tightened my hand into a fist. "Well, you're making me feel that you are!" galit na anas ko. "Just enjoy your victory and stop looking out for me all the time. Dahil kung ako ang nasabihang mas magaling kaysa sa 'yo, I'll wear it like a fucking medal!"

He seemed to be in pain, but he took a deep breath and tried to reach out to me, as if he wanted to help calm me down. Agad kong tinapik ang kamay niya at mabilis na gumuhit sa mukha niya ang gulat at sakit.

"Bakit sa 'kin ka nagagalit?" mahinang tanong niya.

"Just leave me alone for now. Please!" I blurted out. "Masama ang loob ko ngayon. You'll hear a lot from me . . . and you wouldn't want that!"

Tumalikod na ako bago pa siya makapagsalita ulit. I was so frustrated that he was making me feel the same way I did when we were in Davao! Kahit harap-harapang pagbibigay-daan para sa akin ang ginawa niya ay itinatanggi niya dahil lang ayaw niyang sumama ang loob ko! How could he not realize that he was making me feel worse by doing that?!

Hindi ko na siya pinansin hanggang matapos ang klase. I felt terrible. Hindi ko inaasahan na kahit gusto ko siya ay mananaig pa rin sa akin ang mithiing maging mas magaling sa kanya.

I hate it. I hate that my father's words got to me so much that I had no control over my own thoughts anymore. Simula noong itinatak niya sa isip ko na kailangan kong maging pinakamagaling ay iyon na ang naging pangunahing pangarap ko.

How can I be happy for Leon's successes if I wish I had gotten them first? Bakit ba kasi! Bakit ba ikinukumpara na lang siya sa akin ng lahat?! Kailangan ko ba talagang marinig na mas kaya niyang gawin 'yon?!

I want more than anything in the world to excel academically so that I can please my dad with my accomplishments. I want to win the award for best thesis because I know it will make him smile just a little bit . . . kagaya noong nanalo ako sa quiz bee.

Gusto ko lang namang maging proud siya sa akin . . . bakit ba ang hirap?

From: Leon Ysmael

Nauna ka na palang umuwi. Ingat ka.

I shook my head and hugged my pillow. Ever since he said he was courting me, this was the first time he hadn't taken me home.

Hindi ko lang talaga kayang makasama siya ngayon. Ayokong siya ang makatanggap ng lahat ng sama ng loob ko. Baka mamaya ay may masabi pa akong hindi na tama. Baka mamaya ay tuluyan na talaga siyang magsawa sa akin.

My cellphone beeped, and my uneasiness increased when I saw it was a message from my father.

From: Mr. Mendoza

If Zamora is courting you and you think he really likes you, you should use that to your advantage, Amari. Be smart enough to make use of the opportunity.

See? Even my father thinks I should play dirty just to get ahead.

I shook my head again. Don't even think of considering that, Amari. Walang ginagawang masama sa 'yo 'yong tao.

I clenched my hands around my hair and pulled it because I didn't want to think anymore. I felt guilty for having bad thoughts about Leon when all he did was reassure me, protect me from everyone, and take care of me.

Kung sakali namang thesis namin ang mapipili, dalawa pa rin naman kaming may medal. Ano bang iniaarte ko?

Pero ano bang sasabihin ni Dad kapag nalaman niya 'to?

He would get disappointed for sure. He would say that Leon did keep me from doing what I needed to do.

My heart throbbed. But what if he was right? What if Leon was really only trying to divert my attention to something else? What if he took pleasure in watching me feel like crap in the face of his achievements?

I winced in pain as the pressure in my head worsened.

Hindi ko na alam . . . at ayoko nang alamin.

But then, whatever this is, I have to stay in the lane.

Maging kami man ni Leon o hindi, kailangan kong matalo o mapantayan siya.

From: Leon Ysmael

Are you still mad? Tell me what you want me to do.

From: Leon Ysmael

Let's talk tomorrow morning, alright? I'll listen to whatever you want to say. Kahit masakit 'yan. You have to let it out. Please don't ignore me.

I bit my lower lip and put down my phone so I wouldn't answer his texts.

Amari, your emotions shouldn't cloud your judgment, and Ma'am Abulencia's comments were the smack in the face that you needed to bring you back to your senses.

The next day, I got to school early so I could use our room to read and study. In-off ko ang phone ko para hindi ako ma-distract.

I have to get back on track.

Hindi dapat makuntentong nasasabayan ko ang performance ni Leon.

I should get ahead. That's my goal.

So, when he arrived an hour late for our class today, I shook off the worry that I initially felt and replaced it with fulfillment instead.

"I'll consider you absent today," sabi ng instructor namin sa kanya.

He didn't budge. I caught him glancing my way, and a pang of disappointment painted his face when our gazes met. Tinaasan ko lang siya ng kilay. Hindi naman ako para magmakaawa sa instructor namin na papasukin siya dahil totoo namang halos isang oras siyang late.

And after some thinking last night, I think we needed a little break from each other, lalo na at hindi maganda ang naiisip ko tungkol sa kanya.

"I'm sorry, ma'am," he said before turning away from the class.

The sadness on his face reached my heart, but I didn't let it affect me. Habang wala siya sa klase ay mas ginalingan ko sa pagre-recite at nang magkaroon kami ng short quiz ay sinigurado kong wala akong naging mali. I did all of that flawlessly, and it somehow made me feel better about myself.

"Umuwi na yata si Leon," saad ni Shaira na nakakuha ng atensyon ko.

"Huh?" hindi napigilang sabat ko. "Bakit daw?"

She shrugged. "Sabi lang sa 'kin ni Thaddeus. Nakasalubong niya raw palabas ng school. Hindi naman siya pinansin."

"Wow, first absent niya 'yan if ever," sabi ni Meg. "Eh, kahit yata may trangkaso 'yon, papasok pa rin siya!"

Shaira chuckled. "Syempre, nandito ang bebe simula first year, eh!"

"Simula first year?" tanong ni Zoey. "Akala ko nito lang."

"Sus . . . sigurado akong matagal nang umiibig dito kay queen 'yon!"

Hindi ko sila pinansin. My heart started to fill with worry, so I grabbed my phone and walked out of the room. Binuksan ko ito para mai-text siya, pero nang lumiwanag ang screen ko ay lumabas ang mga mensahe mula sa kanya.

From: Leon Ysmael

Good morning. I'll pick you up as usual, okay? But if this makes you uncomfortable, you can just let me know.

From: Leon Ysmael

You didn't say anything. You're not too mad :)

From: Leon Ysmael

Nasa kanto n'yo na 'ko. I'll wait for you here.

From: Leon Ysmael

Where are you? Did you oversleep?

From: Leon Ysmael

I think we'll be late for class. I'm still here. Papasok ka ba?

From: Leon Ysmael

Papasok na ako. Just take it easy today. I'll take care of your notes.

From: Leon Ysmael

Nice game, Mendoza. Iba ka talaga.

My chest tightened up after reading everything. Naka-off ang cellphone ko! Hindi ko naman alam na naghihintay siya! Kahit pa sabihing hatid-sundo niya nga ako, hindi ko naman naisip na susunduin niya pa rin ako kahit wala akong chat o text!

I closed my eyes, and I thought about how disappointed he had looked earlier. Hindi ko na alam ang dapat maramdaman. Habang nagsasaya ako kanina dahil walang nakikipag-kumpentsiya sa akin ay iniisip ako ni Leon . . . na kung sakaling ako ang umabsent ay bibigyan niya pa ako ng notes ng mga napag-aralan namin.

I felt guilty that I wasn't able to pay attention during the rest of our classes. Hindi na nga rin siya tuluyang pumasok. He was mad at me . . . at hindi ko naman siya ma-i-text para sabihin ang rason ko.

Dahil kahit totoong hindi ko alam na hinihintay niya ako, may bahagi pa rin sa akin ang natuwa na hindi siya nakadalo sa klase.

He didn't send me any messages over the next few days. Pansin ko rin ang pag-iwas niya dahil hindi niya na ulit ako sinusundo at inihahatid. Hindi rin naman ako nagparamdam. Kung hindi lang sa mangilan-ngilang palitan ng chat para sa thesis ay hindi pa kami makakapag-usap.

I wanted to cry because I felt like I was losing him . . . but no . . . I knew he was just taking a break. Hindi naman agad siya para sumuko nang gano'n, 'di ba? He would listen to me. I've said worse. He wasn't going to let this small fight come between us.

But when Saturday came and I received a chat from him, I realized that we were really having a serious quarrel.

Leon Ysmael Zamora: Let's not meet up today. Ma'am Abulencia told us that we don't have to go to school every Saturday anymore because we're done.

It would be a lie to say that I wasn't sad. I kind of wanted to apologize to him today, but it was clear that he didn't want to see me.

'Yong araw na excited siya dahil makakasama niya ako, nilagyan niya na ng dahilan para hindi kami makapagkita.

Sinabi ko na lang sa mga kaibigan kong absent ako nang tanungin nila ako kung bakit nasa apartment ako gayong alam nilang may Saturday class ako.

I spent the whole day wondering if the fleeting memories I had of Leon would come to an end again . . . only this time, I knew I was a part of the problem.