Chapter 11

When I saw him walk out the door, I knew that our chances of being together were over.

Ni hindi ko alam na posible palang matapos ang isang bagay na hindi pa naman nagsisimula.

I fixed my eyes on his chair and tried to picture him sitting there, looking at me through his glasses while I answered back to our instructor's question. His eyes were gleaming with joy, but as he rose, he would contradict my claim, causing me to roll my eyes in anger.

He was right. He had always been a rival to me. Lagi kong iniisip ang masama sa kanya. Lagi akong nagagalit kasi mas magaling siya.

That's the only way he'll ever be in my life, and that's how it should stay.

Leon is a good and smart guy. Soon, he'll see how unworthy I am of him. Kapag nakahanap na siya ng babaeng hindi mahirap pakitunguhan gaya ko, babaeng hindi siya mapapagod intindihin, babaeng titingnan lahat ng maganda sa kanya, mapagtatanto niyang walang kagusto-gusto sa akin.

Ayokong maging katulad siya kay Jin. Ayokong marinig sa bibig niya na nakakasawa ako at masyadong maarte. I don't think I can ever take hearing that from another person. Sapat nang nalaman kong malaki akong abala para sa iba.

Masakit . . . pero alam kong ito ang tama.

Leon deserves a woman who will be proud of him every time he does something good, not a woman who will wish him to fail so she can succeed . . . so she can get ahead.

I don't want to take him down with me. I don't want my insecurities to bother him.

Isa pa, we had goals to attain. Kailangan niyang magpanggap na nobyo ni Psyche para sa lupain nila, at kung magiging kasintahan niya ako ay hindi ko alam kung kaya kong makitang may hawak siyang iba.

Sa kaso ko naman, alam kong kailangan ko siyang talunin para patuloy na manirahan sa apartment. At kung sakaling maging kasintahan ko siya, malaki ang tyansa na magbago ang nararamdaman ko tungkol do'n.

I might be okay with losing . . . I might be okay with him always winning.

Killing the flame before it burns is for the best. Turning him down before he directly confesses is for the best.

Sana lang ay hindi dumating ang araw na magsisi ako.

"Congrats, Amari!" sigaw nina Shaira at Zoey habang tumatakbo palapit sa akin.

I smiled at them. "Thanks."

"Hindi ka ba manlilibre d'yan?" tanong pa ni Shaira.

I snickered. Nakaupo lang kami sa benches sa tapat ng building namin, hinihintay na dumating si Ms. Lubrica, dahil magpapapapirma kami ng clearance. I arrived here before them because they went to look at the bulletin board where the names of students who had made it onto the Dean's list were posted there.

"Congrats," bulong ko kay Zoey na ngayon ay second placer na.

Matamis siyang ngumiti sa akin. "Grabe, third year na tayo."

I allowed my back to relax and watched the students stroll past the pathways.

I made it. I became the top psychology student again alongside Leon, as we both have 1.13 general point averages. It was good enough for me. Wala naman kaming napagkasunduan ni Dad na bawal ang may ka-tie.

I knew that if I maintained my current line of average, I would graduate as Summa Cum Laude; yet, it wasn't even the aim, and that wouldn't make my father proud. Isa lang ang dapat kong gawin. I have to be the batch valedictorian.

"Chapters 1-3 ang gagawin natin next sem, 'di ba? Tapos 4-5 naman sa second sem?" tanong ni Shaira na tinanguan ko lang. "Pabuhat na lang siguro, Zoey," sabi niya pa sabay tawa.

"Ay, hindi ko kailangan ng taga-luto ng pancit canton, ha?"

I heard them chuckle, but I didn't give them a glance.

I was thinking of talking to Ma'am Abulencia in the hopes that she would assign me to a new partner. Alam kong hindi rin naman gugustuhin ni Leon ang magsama kami sa isang proyekto na tatagal ng isang taon. Ayun nga at siya na mismo ang tumapos ng written report namin sa zoology.

"Ano'ng iniisip mo?" tanong ni Zoey.

Umiling ako. "Chismosa ka."

Tumawa lang siya.

We talked until we spotted Ms. Lubrica. Agad kaming tumakbo papunta sa kanya at nagpapirma ng clearance. Some of our classmates would just work on theirs during the enrollment for the next semester. Kabilang na doon si Meg.

We then went to the faculty room, library, guidance office, and registrar. Hindi na kami nananghalian dahil ang goal namin ngayong araw ay matapos ang pagpapapirma. There were so many students that we had to wait in line for so long that I got dizzy. Hindi pa nakatulong ang matinding sakit sa puson ko. Hindi ko sigurado kung dahil iyon sa gutom o dahil unang araw ng menstruation ko ngayon.

"Last na!" sigaw ni Zoey. "Accounting office, here we go!"

"Tangina, ang dami mo pa ring energy," suway ni Shaira.

I kept my silence. We've been working on this for hours now. Gusto ko na lang umuwi at magpahinga. I felt lightheaded.

Wala pa man kami sa mismong office ay tanaw ko na ang napakahabang pila. It would take us at least an hour and a half to finish. Tirik na tirik pa ang araw. Ni wala man lang tolda para masilungan. We only had our umbrellas to shield ourselves from the heat.

"Nag-text ako kay Thaddeus. Nagpapadala ako ng pagkain," sabi ni Shaira habang nasa pila kami.

I closed my eyes as I felt the clenching pain in my lower abdomen.

"Sabihin mo dalhan din ako." Narinig kong sabi ni Zoey.

"Ikaw, Mari?"

I shook my head. Pakiramdam ko ay nanghihina ako. Ayoko namang bumalik pa rito para lang magpapirma ulit. I'm swamped with work tomorrow. Ngayon lang ako puwede.

I opened my eyes and tried to put pressure on my abdomen. Kung sa apartment lang ako inabot ng sakit ay nakapaglagay na ako ng hot compress dito. Lagi kasing ganito ang nangyayari. Tuwing first day ng menstruation ko ay inaatake talaga ako ng dysmenorrhea. Malala lang ang sakit ngayon dahil sa matinding init at dahil na rin sa pagod ng katawan ko.

"Girl, okay ka lang ba?" tanong ni Zoey makalipas ang ilang sandali.

Tumango ako. I tightened my grip on my umbrella because I thought it would fall out of my hands.

"Mari?"

Lumingon ako sa likod ko at nakita si Paolo kasama ang mga kaibigan niya na mukhang kararating lang. Nasa dulo kami ng pila at sila ang sumunod sa amin.

"Hi," he said when he realized it was me.

I didn't feel like talking, but I didn't want to be rude, so I just smiled. Kita ko pa ang pagsisikuhan ng mga kabarkada niya.

"Hi," bati ko pabalik.

"Do you mind . . ." he trailed off as he offered to carry the umbrella for me.

Umiling ako at ibinigay iyon sa kanya. Wala rin kasi siyang payong. Baka gusto niyang makisukob. Isa pa, nanghihina na rin ako para hawakan pa iyon. Mabuti nang may ibang maghawak noon para sa akin.

Matapos ang birthday ni Maricar ay mukhang naintindihan niya ang gusto kong mangyari dahil hindi na niya ako kinausap. Isang beses niya lang akong ichinat para tanungin kung nakauwi na ba ako, at nang mag-reply ako ay nag-good night na lang siya.

"Uy, pati pala pagpapapirma ng clearance by pair na rin?!" maarteng sigaw ni Zoey nang makitang magka-share kami ni Paolo ng payong.

"Shut up," pagsusungit ko na tinawanan lang niya.

Hindi na ako nagulat nang miski si Shaira ay lumingon sa amin. She grinned widely and wiggled her brows as if she was teasing us. Kung hindi lang masakit ang puson ko ay nabatukan ko na siya. Mukha kasi siyang tanga sa ginagawa niya.

"Ano pang kulang n'yo?" nangingiting tanong ni Paolo sa akin.

"Ito na lang," sagot ko naman.

"Ah . . . kanina pa pala kayo. Ang dami pa naming kulang, eh."

Tumango ako. "We've been here since this morning. Ang hirap kasing hagilapin ng ibang prof."

"Oo nga. Sa library lang mabilis ang pila," tawa niya. "Saka ano . . . congrats pala. Nakita ko ang pangalan mo sa bulletin board. Top 1 ka ulit."

"Salamat. Congrats din . . ." sabi ko kahit na hindi ko alam kung nakasama ba siya.

"Sorry rin pala kung hindi ako nakakapag-chat, ha?" bulong niya. "Not that it's a big deal."

Marahan lang akong tumawa. "Okay lang 'yon."

"I'm afraid you'll find it weird. Hindi naman kasi tayo close."

Parang pumalakpak ang tainga ko sa narinig. That's exactly what I want. Hindi mapilit. Alam niyang hindi ako komportable kaya hindi niya ako pinupuwersa. He knows exactly how far he can go and he won't push beyond it.

"Thank you for considering that, Paolo. I kind of hate it when someone I don't personally know messages me . . . tapos hindi naman importante," sabi ko.

He chuckled. "I hope you personally get to know me then."

Ngumiti na lang ako at hindi na sumagot. The scorching heat made it hard for me to think clearly. Hindi naman siguro niya para isipin na gusto ko siya dahil lang pinahiram ko siya ng payong, 'di ba?

We kept talking about random things. It wasn't as awkward as the first time we talked, but I couldn't pay attention because of the pain in my lower abdomen. Mukhang hindi niya naman napapansin iyon. Mabuti nga at tumigil ang mga kasama namin sa pagtingin-tingin sa amin na para bang may malisya ang ginagawa namin.

"Thaddeus, dito!" sigaw ni Shaira na agad na nakakuha ng atensyon ko.

I turned to look at Thaddeus, but my gaze was quickly drawn to Leon who was standing next to him. Parang may kumurot sa dibdib ko nang mabilis siyang sumulyap sa akin, dahilan para magtama ang mga mata namin. He then shifted his focus to Paolo, and I caught sight of a grin on his face as he looked away.

"Siraulo 'yang si Thaddeus. Tinatawag daw ako ng mga kaibigan ko no'ng birthday ni Maricar," natatawang sabi ng lalaki sa tabi ko. "Eh, pagdating namin sa club, puro bagsak na sila. Hindi naman kita nabalikan kasi tinulungan ko si Maricar maglinis."

"Okay lang 'yon . . ." wala sa hulog na sagot ko.

I watched Leon and Thaddeus walk toward us, and as they got closer, my heart started to swell in pain.

It has been weeks since he told me how he felt about me, and we have pretended as if nothing had happened. He aced all of our final exams, and I'd be lying if I said I didn't worry about my grade this semester.

Nang ma-access ko ang flash drive na ibinigay niya ay sinubukan kong hanapan ito ng mali para naman masabi kong may nagawa ako. Kaya lang, ano pa bang aasahan ko kay Leon? He always does things perfectly.

I've been restless ever since our encounter. Kakaunting oras lang ako kung matulog at pakiramdam ko ay sumusuko na ang katawan ko sa akin. That feeling when you're doing everything to keep yourself busy so you won't have to think too much.

Ramdam ko na rin ang pagbabago niya. Kahit isang beses simula nang umamin siya sa akin ay hindi ko na siya kailanman nahuling nakatingin sa akin. Hindi niya na rin ako ichina-chat. Minsan nga ay parang gusto kong mag-sorry. I knew that my words were harsh and that I inflicted pain on him . . . pero para saan pa?

'Yon naman ang gusto ko. 'Yon naman talaga ang dapat.

"Thank you!" maligayang sabi nina Shaira at Zoey nang iniabot ni Thaddeus ang pagkain sa kanila.

Leon was just behind him, now busy with his phone. The sun's beams highlighted the nature of his tanned skin. Makinis at mukhang alagang-alaga. With his head lowered, the height of his nose bridge was also noticeable. Talagang hawak na hawak nito ang salamin niya.

"Tatlo 'yan," saad ni Thaddeus. "'Yong isa, may nagpabili lang sa akin. Kayo na ang bahala kung ano'ng gagawin n'yo d'yan."

I saw Leon give him a small kick in the shoes. Hindi ito nag-angat ng tingin pero parang nasa kaibigan naman niya ang atensyon niya.

"Kare-kare 'yon," dagdag pa ni Thaddeus.

Pumalakpak si Zoey. "Sakto! Gusto ni Mari 'yan!"

I felt Paolo move beside me, making me look at him.

"Mahilig ka sa kare-kare?" tanong niya bago ngumiti. "My mom has the best recipe for that. Gusto mo bang dalhan kita?"

"Let's go, Thaddeus," I heard Leon say to his friend.

I smiled at Paolo, suppressing the ache that I felt. Ganoon siguro kaayaw ni Leon na makita ako. Mukhang gustong-gusto agad niyang makaalis.

"Hindi na. Mas paborito ko ang luto ng kaibigan ko. Ayokong makasubok ng iba. Baka mapaltan bigla . . ." pagbibiro ko pa.

Muli kong hinawakan ang puson ko nang kumirot ito. My body won't really make things easier for me, huh? Ang init-init na nga, sumasabay pa talaga ang sakit ng puson ko. Tapos . . . idadagdag pa si Leon na hindi ko alam kung bakit parang malaki pa rin ang galit sa akin. Maayos naman kaming nag-usap. Wala namang dapat ikagalit doon.

"Dalhin n'yo na 'yang excess food," I managed to say to Thaddeus after a short while. "Hindi naman ako nagugutom. Ibigay mo na lang sa nagpabili sa 'yo."

"Luh. Kanina mo pa nga hinahawakan 'yang tiyan mo," saad ni Shaira.

Umiling ako. "I'm okay."

It was a lie, of course. I was starving, but I knew the pain in my abdomen was the main reason why my whole body was painful. Nakakawala tuloy ng gana.

"Sigurado ka ba?" tanong ni Zoey.

"Oo."

"I'll just have it then," biglang untag ni Leon. "And let's get out of here, Thaddeus. Ang init masyado."

The latter just grinned at his friend. "Tatag mo, ah?"

I wasn't in the mood to think of anything else. They turned their backs on us and left. Binungangaan ako ni Shaira dahil sa kaartehan ko. Hindi na lang ako sumagot. I tried to pay attention to Paolo, who was talking too much right next to me, but my thoughts kept going back to Leon and why he seemed so mad.

After almost two hours of waiting, we were finally done. Paolo and his friends left first, and he told me he would just send me a message on Messenger. Sa hilo ko ay tumango na lang ako.

"Tara na?" pagyayaya ni Shaira.

I shook my head. "Umuna na kayo. Pupunta muna ako sa clinic."

"Bakit?!" nag-aalalang tanong ni Zoey.

I chuckled to calm her down. "Magpapahinga muna ako at hihingi na rin ng gamot sa dysmenorrhea."

"Si gaga! Bakit hindi mo man lang sinabi sa amin na meron ka ngayon?" nakalabing saad ni Shaira. "Edi sana ibinigay mo na lang sa amin ang ID mo para kami na ang nakapagpapirma."

"Ayos lang. Kaya ko naman." I breathed. "Sige na. Malapit lang naman ang clinic. Baka mahimatay ako sa jeep kapag umuwi ako ngayon, eh."

They insisted on taking me to the clinic and scolded me when we were on our way. Nang makita ako ng nurse ay nataranta pa siya dahil namumutla raw ako. Hindi namin napansin iyon dahil masyadong mainit sa labas para makapag-focus pa kami sa ibang bagay.

Matapos akong makitang nakahiga sa kama ay saka lang nagpasya sina Zoey at Shaira na umalis. I closed my eyes and surrendered to the exhaustion that filled my entire being.

I couldn't help but worry about how Leon and I would work on our thesis given that he looked disgusted by my presence. Pansin ko naman ang pag-iwas at paglayo niya. Kahit nga ang simpleng pagtingin sa akin ay parang nakakapaso para sa kanya.

Thirty minutes into resting, and I couldn't bring myself to sleep. Ako lang ang estudyante rito kaya wala akong ibang naririnig kung hindi ang pagkilos ng nurse.

I heard the door open, but I kept my eyes closed. Kapag lumipas ang isang oras at hindi pa ako nakakatulog ay uuwi na lang ako. Napainom na rin naman ako ng nurse ng gamot. Dinalhan niya pa ako ng hot compress.

"Good afternoon, may Mendoza po ba rito?"

I smiled to myself when I thought I heard Leon. My mind must be playing games with me. Kakaisip ko sa kanya ay kung ano-ano nang pumapasok sa utak ko.

"Isa lang ang nasa loob. Babae ba?" tanong ng nurse. "Hindi ko na chineck ang pangalan, eh. Mamaya pang out niya."

I'm either hallucinating or something. This had to be some kind of a dream.

"Yes. Babae po," sagot ni Leon. "Nakalugay po ang buhok tapos medyo mapula ang pisngi."

The nurse chuckled. "Maputla 'yong nand'yan."

"Uhm . . . nabanggit po kasi ng mga kaklase niya na dinala siya sa clinic. Pansin ko nga pong walang kulay ang labi niya kanina." I could hear frustration in his voice. "She hasn't eaten her lunch yet. Iiwan ko na lang po siguro 'tong pagkain sa tabi niya."

"Sige. Nand'yan sa unang kurtina. Buksan mo na lang."

I was sure it was a dream . . . a good one. Dahil sa totoong buhay, matapos lahat ng masasakit na sinabi ko kay Leon, imposibleng lapitan niya ulit ako. Kahit pa maayos ang naging pag-uusap namin, imposibleng mag-alala pa rin siya sa akin.

The curtains opened, yet I kept my eyes shut. Natatakot akong magmulat dahil ayokong makumpirmang gawa-gawa lang siya ng utak ko.

"I should've forced you to eat," he whispered. "Ang kulit mo kasi."

I felt like crying. He sounded so worried . . . and it was so comforting to hear.

My heart skipped a beat when I felt him put my blanket over my shoulder. He then carefully pulled up a chair, and in my mind, I could feel his presence next to me.

"Don't get sick. I may worry about you more than a rival should."

Mahinang-mahina ang boses niya, tila ba takot na may ibang makarinig sa kanya. Naninikip ang dibdib ko sa panghihinayang. I want to reach out and touch his face and beg him not to stop liking me until I am not as bothersome and tiring as I am now.

Gusto kong sabihin sa kanya na hintayin niya akong ayusin ang sarili ko . . . na hintayin niya akong alisin sa utak ko na kalaban ko siya.

"Can I stare at you for a while? Tulog ka naman." He chuckled softly. "I'll just think of it as a reward for avoiding you so well."

If I didn't have any goals to meet and knew I wasn't as exhausting to be around, I could have started dating him right away. Si Leon na 'yan, eh. Matalino, guwapo, mabait. Magaling din siyang mag-alaga. Magaling siyang magparamdam na parang ikaw lang ang nakikita niya. He never failed to make my heart react whenever he sneaked a glance at me while we were in class.

Umingay ang upuan niya, nagpapahiwatig na tumayo na siya.

"Congratulations for being at the top again, Mendoza," he said gently. "You're doing a good job of going head to head with me."

In that same dream, I felt him put the hot compress in the right position on my abdomen. In that same dream, I felt him softly run his fingers through my hair. In that same dream, I felt him whisper how much he missed me.

That's the last time I dreamed about him. Nang magising ako noong araw na iyon ay sinabi sa akin ng nurse na dinalhan daw ako ng pagkain at gamot ng kaibigan ko. I didn't bother asking who that was. Gusto kong paniwalaan na hindi iyon si Shaira o Zoey, kung hindi si Leon.

Days went by and I spent my summer working during the days and studying at night. Sometimes, I would get so annoyed with Leon's obviously inactive Facebook account that I would fall asleep while checking it, and then when I woke up, I would sit there waiting for him to send me a message.

Alam kong para akong tanga dahil ako naman ang nagsabing tigilan niya na ako. Alam kong ito na 'yong paraan niya para sundin ang gusto kong mangyari. I shouldn't bother him anymore. If I make a move, it's as if I just did to him what he did to me. I would give him mixed signals. I would make him wonder what my real intention was.

Sa buong summer na iyon ay madalas din ang pagcha-chat sa akin ni Paolo. I knew he was making a move on me. Nagyayaya siya minsan mag-coffee pero hindi ako pumapayag. I didn't want to lead him on. At kung sakali mang maging handa akong sumugal ulit, alam ko sa sarili kong hindi siya ang una kong lalapitan.

"Kat, can I ask you a question?" I asked my friend one week before our next school year.

Nakahiga kami ngayon, naghahanda na sa pagtulog, at nakasiksik na naman siya sa akin na parang bata. In my head, I was thinking of different ways to approach Leon, especially because we were going to be working together on our thesis very soon.

Baka naman nakamove-on na siya. Halata namang wala na siyang pakialam sa akin. Baka hindi na awkward para sa kanya.

"Hmm?" Kat hummed.

My chest heaved as I let out a sigh. "Ano sa tingin mo ang pangit na ugali ko?"

I felt myself changing. When I first met my father, I was nothing like this. I wasn't as driven. I wasn't as competitive.

Now, I feel as if I don't have control over my own life. I'm sick of going round and round in circles, constantly reminding myself of the things I have to do while putting off the things I really want to do.

"You're secretive," Kat whispered, tightening her arms around me. "Sa inyong tatlo nina Mill at Karsen, ikaw ang hirap na hirap akong basahin."

I breathed deeply. I'm wondering what she'll say if I tell her about my father's condition regarding our stay in the apartment. Baka mag-alsa balutan agad kami. She'll work her ass off again. She'll exhaust herself just to put a roof over our heads again.

"I don't often see you cry . . . but I always feel like you're sad . . . like you always need to be comforted," sabi niya ulit. "You don't ask for help. Alam mo 'yon?" Tinapik-tapik niya ako. "Sasabihin mo lang 'yong achievements o problema mo kapag tapos na . . . kapag naharap mo na nang mag-isa."

"Is that bad?" I asked in hushed tones.

I'm just trying not to bother them. My problems are mine to deal with. Ayokong mag-alala sila lagi sa akin dahil alam kong may kanya-kanya rin silang dinadala.

"Hindi ko alam. Simula naman noon ay gan'yan ka na," sabi niya. "Mas lumala lang no'ng naghiwalay kayo ni Jin . . . at no'ng makilala mo ang Dad mo."

My lips trembled as I smiled. Those two would always remind me how bothersome and disappointing I was.

I mean, alam kong tama naman sila. I brought out the worst in them. Okay naman si Jin noong nanliligaw pa lang siya sa akin pero noong maging kami ay naging mabigat na bagahe ako para sa kanya. My cries annoyed him. My problems made him cheat. My mere presence exhausted him.

And as for my father, all he ever wanted was for me to be successful, and the only way to accomplish that was to be at the very top of my field . . . pero hirap na hirap pa rin ako. Kinakailangan ko pang magsakripisyo ng pahinga at tulog para lang marating ko kung ano ako ngayon. Umasa siyang magaling ako. It was only natural for him to be disappointed.

"You crave praise and compliments so much that you'll go to great lengths just to get them." I felt her kiss my temple. "That's the most toxic trait you have, Mari. You don't live for yourself. You let other people's words get to you, making you slowly lose touch with who you really are."

I fought back my tears as the waves of her words hit the shore of my heart.

Ganito palagi. Tuwing nagpapahinga ako kasama siya, saka ko lang nararamdaman na pagod pala ako. I'm sick of acting like I don't want to hear from my father that he's proud of me. I'm sick of acting like Jin's words don't keep coming back to me. I'm sick of hiding my feelings for Leon because I'm afraid he'll be one of the men I let down.

"I like someone, Kat," I muttered so softly that I wouldn't be surprised if she didn't hear it.

There was a long silence between us. Kung kay Mill ko sinabi ito ay paniguradong nabusisi niya na agad kung sino ang tinutukoy ko. She would tell me to have fun but would surely get upset when she found out who that guy is . . . kahit gaano pa katino. Ayoko namang sabihin kay Karsen, dahil kahit isang taon lang ang tanda namin sa kanya ni Mill, pakiramdam ko ay masyado pa siyang bata para problemahin ang napakababaw na problema ko.

"Did you tell him?" Kat asked.

I shook my head.

"Bakit hindi?"

I smiled before closing my eyes. "I'm too broken, Kat. Picking up my pieces will only hurt him."

She cuddled me but didn't say anything.

"Paano kapag ipinagkatiwala ko ang sarili ko sa kanya tapos lolokohin niya lang din pala 'ko?" mahinang tanong ko. "Paano kapag nakita niya kung gaano ako kahirap kasama tapos sabihin niya sa aking nakakapagod ako?"

"What else?" Kat whispered.

My lips quivered. "Paano kapag naapektuhan ang pag-aaral at pagtatrabaho niya dahil sa 'kin? Paano kapag mas unahin niya 'ko kaysa sa sarili niya?"

That sounds so much like Leon . . . that sounds like something he'll do.

"But, despite liking him this much . . . I have toxic thoughts about him, Kat. I don't want him to be better than I am. I don't want him to outdo me." Tangina, ang dami kong rason. "Baka ma-insecure lang ako kapag malalamangan niya 'ko . . . and he doesn't deserve that."

"Does he like you?" marahang tanong ni Kat.

My heart clenched. "Oo yata."

"You rejected him?"

"Again . . . oo yata."

She chuckled softly. "You really like him, Mari. To ponder about it all . . ." she said as she sighed. "You must be tired of weighing things."

"Tama ako ng ginawa, 'di ba?" tanong ko.

Tumango siya, dahilan para lalong manikip ang dibdib ko.

"You thought about yourself, yet you also thought about him," she muttered. "Tama ka. With all those thoughts racing through your head, you shouldn't be with him."

"You think so?" paninigurado ko.

Muli siyang tumango. "But then, acknowledging your destructive viewpoints should lead to a change in behavior, Mari. Hindi dapat natin iniisip ang makalamang sa kapwa natin. Hindi dapat natin hinihiling na lagi tayong mas magaling."

It silenced me. I know that. I really do. May mga bagay lang akong dapat talagang gawin.

"And no, you're not tiring, and you don't deserve to be cheated on. No one else does," she stated before taking a pause. "Mari, a true admirer should look beyond the surface and see the person behind. Kung gusto ka talaga ng lalaking 'yan, kailangan niyang alamin kung bakit mo 'yan naiisip tungkol sa kanya."

Umiling ako. "That's impossible, Kat. I'm the problem here."

"Yes, and you shouldn't let those thoughts get ahead of you," sabi niya. "Kung gusto niyang mag-next level kayo, he needs to understand that he has to meet you halfway. He has to help you balance those thoughts. He has to soothe your insecurities."

"That's too ideal," bulong ko.

"And that's what you deserve." She chuckled. "You come from a traumatic relationship, Mari. Your next one should be as comforting and as reassuring as it can get."

For some unknown reason, that talk calmed me. Nang makatulog ang kaibigan ay nagbukas ako ng cellphone at agad na ichineck kung online si Leon. It was a night routine. Kahit walang update sa profile niya, gustong-gusto kong mag-scroll doon na para bang hindi ko pa saulado ang posts niya.

I knew I wouldn't message him. Hindi ako kasing tapang niya. Kahit na sinusungitan ko siya ay patuloy pa rin siyang nagme-message noon sa akin. Minsan ay para tanungin kung kumain na 'ko o kung nagpapahinga ba 'ko. Minsan naman ay tungkol lang sa mga libro. Those were some of the small things I brushed off because I thought he was just giving me mixed signals.

But then, when I opened our chat box, I saw three dots — the same three dots that would appear when someone was typing.

Napakurap ako sa nakita. Ang huling message pa namin sa isa't isa ay noong napagsalitaan ko siya.

I wonder if he goes over our conversation. Sana ay hindi. Noon kasing nag-backread ako ay napagtanto kong wala man lang akong mabait na reply sa kanya. Even during the times when he sent me his notes, minsan ay hindi ako nagre-reply at minsan naman ay isang "thanks" lang ang sagot ko.

The three dots disappeared, and soon enough, a blue circle emerged around his profile photo, signifying that he has a Facebook story.

Nanginginig pa ang kamay ko nang buksan ko iyon.

When the time is right, I'll knock on your door and ask for my place again.

When the time is right, I'll stand in the silence next to you to soothe the pain.

When the time is right, I won't have to hold myself restrained.

When the time is right, you'll still find me waiting for you in the lane.

Sleep now, M.

Until the time is right, my feelings for you will remain.

A tear escaped my eye when I realized that after all the things I told him, after all the glares I threw at him, and after all the thoughts I had for him . . . he was still there for me . . . patiently and painfully waiting for his right time to come.

Amari, your chances of being together are not yet over.