Chapter 10

And so I did.

I carried a deep-seated loathing for Leon, and right now, the mere thought of being in the same room as him makes my blood boil.

"What are you guys complaining about? I paired you all up perfectly," Ma'am Abulencia asked as soon as she entered our room.

Some of my classmates voiced their disapproval.

Pinandilatan sila ni Ma'am. "What?"

"Ma'am, sina Leon at Mari po ba ang magka-partner?" tanong ng Meg.

"Bakit? Ano bang nakita n'yo sa file na isinend ko?"

"Hay . . . buti na lang si Zoey ang ka-partner ko," bulong ni Shaira sa tabi ko.

"Ma'am, hindi dapat top students ang magka-pair!" one of my classmates complained, which was immediately supported by the rest of our class.

Nagbuntong-hininga na lang ako. I knew I could do all the tasks by myself, and I'd rather be paired with a freeloader than have to work with Leon. Iniisip ko pa nga lang na siya ang makakasama ko sa paggagawa ng thesis na halos isang taon naming pagtatrabahuhan ay napipikon na ako.

Doing the written report for general zoology together was bearable, but the thesis was a different story!

"That's exactly the reason why I paired most of the top students together," sabi ni Ma'am. "Because I know you'll depend on them and might even let them do all the work."

Natahimik ang mga kaklase ko. I massaged my temples gently as my gaze strayed around the room. Some of my classmates looked uninterested, some were venting out their frustrations, and some were attentively taking in everything that Ma'am Abulencia had to say.

But then, just like what always happens, my attention was suddenly drawn to my partner because I realized that he was already watching me. Agad ko siyang inirapan bago mabilis na ibinalik ang tingin kay Ma'am.

God . . . I hate him. He felt like a mistake I couldn't get away from.

Hindi na rumehistro sa utak ko ang mga sinabi pa ni Ma'am. Well, I chose not to. Mukha naman kasing sarado na ang isip niya tungkol sa pairing.

The two-hour lecture started, and Meg quietly complained the whole time because she was paired with our classmate who was known for being a big slacker. Hindi pa nakatulong na nagkaroon kami ng surprise quiz tungkol sa topic pagkatapos ng discussion. Tuloy ay badtrip na badtrip siya.

"Uuwing nakasimangot," pang-aasar ni Shaira.

"Kaysa naman sa 'yo," sagot ni Meg bago tiningnan ang babae mula ulo hanggang paa. "Uuwing pangit."

Napatawa si Zoey. "Salaw!"

I stood up after putting all my stuff inside my bag. Nagsasabong na sina Shaira at Meg at mukhang tuwang-tuwa naman si Zoey sa nakikita. Hindi ko alam kung saan nila nakukuha ang energy nila gayong parang kanina lang ay antok na antok sila sa lecture.

"Shaira!" sigaw ni Thaddeus mula sa pintuan ng room.

Mukhang uwian na rin nila. Dahil malapit na ang finals, kadalasan sa mga teacher ngayon ay abala na sa paggagawa ng exam. Marami tuloy sa amin ang tamad na tamad nang pumapasok lalo at naibigay naman na ng teachers namin ang pointers to review.

"Pangit pero may kalandian," ngiting-aso ni Shaira bago pumunta sa lalaki.

Zoey frowned as she quickly followed her. "Hoy! Gagawa tayo ng report ngayon!"

Hindi na ako nagulat nang magpaalam din sa akin si Meg para kausapin ang partner niya.

I looked around. Now I wonder where Leon is. Siguro naman ay kaya naming mag-division of labor na lang. We'd work on our respective tasks, then merge them into a single document. Hindi na kailangan maging sobrang hands-on. Hindi naman para basahin ni Ma'am ang lahat ng report namin.

"Mari, hindi ka pa ba lalabas? Hinihintay ka ni Leon," biglang sabi ni Thaddeus na hindi ko napansing nasa pintuan pa rin.

I frowned as I walked toward him. Leon's still out there, huh?

Shaira and Zoey were talking a few meters away from us, and well, it seemed as if Thaddeus was right; Leon was just standing in front of the room, leaning against the wall like he was waiting for someone.

"P're, ano? Uuna na 'ko, ha? Mukhang may gagawin pa rin si Shai, eh," paalam ni Thaddeus sa kaibigan.

Tumango lang ang lalaki. Thaddeus then went up to Shaira, and, to my surprise, Zoey allowed her to come with him! At magkakasabay pa talaga silang umalis! Ni hindi man lang ako isinama!

I heard Leon clear his throat, and a new layer of rage began to build up inside of me.

"Puwede ka ba nga—"

"Let's just split the parts and compile them once we're done," I said, cutting him off. "Puwede naman 'yon, 'di ba? Mas convenient din."

His brow furrowed. "No, we have to brainstorm what sections we'd include and examine each other's papers from time to time."

"I'll take care of the first half, and you'll do the remaining half," I insisted. "Okay na 'yon."

"Kailangan nga nating i-review ang paper natin," pamimilit niya rin.

My eyebrows went up in frustration. "Edi, i-review pagkatapos!"

"Paano kapag nagkamali tayo pareho? We'll have to revise and rewrite, and it might take twice as long."

"At saan naman tayo magkakamali?"

"I'm just talking about the possibilities," sagot niya agad.

Inis na nagbuntong-hininga ako. This talk won't be over if you stay mad, Amari. He has answers for everything, so compromising a little will not kill you.

"Ano ba kasing gusto mong mangyari?" I asked.

He cocked his head and sighed. "We should work together after class for the next two weeks."

"Huh?!" I yelled as the composure I'd just been practicing fled from my body.

"It wouldn't take three ho—"

I shook my head to stop him from saying another word. "Mag-isa ka! Kita mong next month pa ang due date n'yan, eh! Masyado kang excited!"

"Do you want to procrastinate?" he asked, getting a little annoyed.

I gritted my teeth. God, I really really really hate him!

"I'd rather procrastinate than see your face for the next two weeks," I whispered to myself.

He snickered angrily, furrowing his brows as he did so. Mukhang narinig niya ang sinabi ko . . . at syempre, mukhang napikon siya.

"I know you don't like me, but can you at least put that aside for now?" he asked. "Final requirement natin 'to. I don't want to make things harder for you."

I cursed under my breath. He looked mad, but why does his voice sound unbelievably soothing?!

"Mag-research muna tayo ngayon tapos bukas na tayo magsimula," dagdag niya pa.

I chuckled sarcastically and pushed all of his buttons. "You don't tell me what to do, Zamora. If you want us to work together without fighting, you need to be a little less pushy. Kung sanay kang maging leader, sanay rin akong maging leader. 'Wag mo 'kong pangunahan."

Isang buntong-hininga ang pinakawalan niya bago ako tinitigan. I didn't bother trying to take my eyes off of him. Gusto kong makita niyang determinado rin ako gaya niya.

Come on, I just don't want to spend more time with him! Kayang-kaya ko namang gawin ang paper namin kahit ako lang mag-isa! Why does he exaggerate and act like this project is too hard to complete?!

My thoughts suddenly came to a halt when I noticed that his gaze had lost its intensity. Ngayon ay para siyang batang napagsabihan dahil nawala ang inis na kanina lang ay nakapinta sa mukha niya.

"Okay . . . what do you want me to do then?" he asked slowly.

I tried not to be affected by the way he gave in to me. I raised my chin to show him that I had the upper hand.

"We can work on our own and then just show each other what we've finished at the end of the week," I uttered with finality. "Kung gusto mo talagang magkasama tayong gumawa, we can do that every Friday."

"Just . . . Fridays?"

Tumango ako. "Kung three to five pages ang magagawa natin araw-araw, I think we can finish the report this week, so, one Friday should be enough."

He licked his lower lip and bit it as if he was in deep thought.

"There's no need to rush," he said after a while.

Agad na nagsalubong ang kilay ko. "You told me not to procrastinate!"

He shook his head and cracked a little smug smile. "Tama ka. Next month pa naman ang pasahan. We should take our time."

"Gulo mo!" iritableng saad ko bago tumalikod sa kanya. "Bahala ka na d'yan! I-message mo na lang ako kung may importante kang sasabihin!"

I heard him chuckling gently, and I resisted the urge to look back at him. "Was I taken off your block list?"

"Sino ka ba para i-block ko? Masyado kang feeling special," nanunuyang sagot ko.

Hindi na ako nag-abalang maghintay pa ng sagot niya dahil mabilis akong naglakad paalis. Bwisit! How long do I have to do this?! Kung puwede lang talagang magpapalit ng partner ay ginawa ko na! Meg could work with him, and I'd be happy as hell to work with the slacker!

I only calmed down when I got home. Dahil mamaya pa ang dating ng mga kaibigan ko ay mag-isa lang ako sa apartment. Agad akong nag text kay Dad tungkol sa quiz namin kanina para ipagmalaking perfect score ang nakuha ko . . . but of course, I didn't tell him that Leon did too.

I know he won't reply because that's how it always is. Mag-re-reply lang siya sa 'kin kapag end of semester na lalo at alam niyang ilalabas ang Dean's lister. I don't know why I keep doing this, but I really want to tell him about my achievements, no matter how small they are.

Bago ako makapagpahinga, nag-shower muna ako at naglinis sandali ng apartment namin. It was a good distraction that took my mind off Leon for some time. Nagluto na rin ako para pag-uwi ng mga kaibigan ko ay may pagkain na sila.

However, while resting, my hands automatically went to the spam folder on my messenger. At halos manginig ako sa gulat nang makita kong may bagong message sa akin ang lalaki.

Leon Ysmael Zamora: I hope you're not working on our paper right now. We still have a lot of time. Get some rest first.

My heart swelled up with an emotion I was afraid to put into words. I gave myself a mental pep talk and shook my head.

Galit ka dapat sa kanya, Amari. That's the only feeling you're allowed to have for him.

Amari Sloane Mendoza: I thought I've made it quite obvious to you that you can only message me if you have something IMPORTANT to say. 'Wag kang feeling close.

Pagka-send na pagka-send ko pa lang ng message ko sa kanya ay nagulat ako nang makitang na-seen niya agad iyon . . . para bang hindi siya umalis sa chat box namin.

I stayed there for a while, too. Baka kasi i-remove niya na naman. Ang hilig niya pa namang gawin 'yon.

"Ano'ng problema nito?" tanong ko sa sarili nang makitang binigyan niya ng "sad" reaction ang message ko.

However, it was removed before I could tell him about it.

Leon Ysmael Zamora: Define important then.

I shook my head. Baka napindot lang.

Amari Sloane Mendoza: 'Wag mo 'kong utusan.

Nang mapansin kong nag-ta-type siya ng panibagong reply ay pinatay ko na ang mobile data ko.

I shut my eyes and sighed in frustration. Pinag-iisip niya na naman ako. Ano? Aarte na naman ba siyang may pake sa 'kin? Iniisip niya bang may karapatan siyang makipaglaro ng tug-of-war sa emosyon ko?

Every time he has the chance to talk to me, he will act in ways that are colored with malice of some sort.

Kaya hindi na rin talaga nakapagtatakang iniisip ng mga tao sa paligid namin na gusto niya ako. Paano ba naman ay nagpapanggap siyang malambing siya sa akin! He'd stare at me with those gentle eyes and talk to me as if he'd always bow down to my every whim! Mabuti na lang talaga at naprangka ko na siya noon sa Davao. Hindi ako matatangang mag-isip kung ano'ng gusto niyang mangyari.

Sa inis ko ay hindi na ako nakapagpahinga. Sinimulan ko na lang ang report namin at gumawa na rin ako ng reviewer para sa paparating na final exams dahil ayokong lumalim ang gabi na siya ang pinoproblema ko.

The following days, I did everything I could to avoid him. I mean, napagkasunduan naman namin na every Friday lang kami magsusulat ng report nang magkasama kaya walang dahilan para makipag-usap ako sa kanya. Also, we don't actually pay attention to each other very often, so that's nothing out of the ordinary either.

"Break na ba sina Psyche at Leon? Ang tagal ko na silang hindi nakikitang magkasama," tanong ni Zoey habang nag-aaral kami sa library. Vacant kasi namin.

Meg shrugged. "Dunno. Baka hindi lang showy."

"Tigilan ako sa hindi showy! Araw-araw silang PDA noon!" singit ni Shaira. "Tirik na tirik ang araw tapos makikita mo magka-holding hands, parang mga gago."

Zoey threw her a crumpled paper. "Pero kapag kayo ni Thaddeus ang naglalandian, okay lang?"

Tumawa si Shaira. "Cute kami. Sila hindi."

I sighed in annoyance. "Ano, mag-aaral ba tayo o magchi-chismisan?"

"Wow, ang sungit ni queen," panunudyo ni Shaira na inismiran ko lang.

Nasuway pa kami ng librarian dahil sa ingay ng babae pero natulala lang ako sa isinusulat ko lalo at tumatak sa akin ang tanong ni Zoey.

I didn't know how long it had been since I last saw Psyche and Leon together, so I was shocked when I heard that they were already engaged. Hindi naman namin sinabi kahit kanino ni Shaira ang nalaman namin dahil wala kami sa posisyong gawin iyon.

Hindi ko lang talaga maiwasang magtaka kung bakit wala pang nakakaalam ng tungkol doon . . . considering how much buzz and publicity their relationship had gotten.

Wala rin naman akong lakas ng loob na i-congratulate si Leon para makumpirma iyon. Saka, duh! Bakit ko siya i-co-congratulate samantalang hindi naman ako masaya?! Malakas na sampal na sa akin ang pagbati ko sa relasyon nila. Tama na 'yon!

Habang nag-iisip ako, biglang nag-beep ang cellphone ko na nakapatong sa table namin. Sabay-sabay kaming napatingin doon at napasinghap ako nang makita ang chat head ng profile picture ng lalaking iniisip ko lang ngayon!

"Sino'ng nagbukas ng data ko?!" inis na tanong ko bago mabilis na kinuha ang cellphone ko.

"Ano . . . nakiki-hotspot ako . . ." mahina at kinakabahang sagot ni Meg.

Furious, I slammed my back against the chair and opened our chat box.

Leon Ysmael Zamora: It's Friday.

Leon Ysmael Zamora: And, would you mind telling me where you are? I didn't see you at the canteen. Sa labas ba kayo kumain?

Leon Ysmael Zamora: I hope you didn't skip lunch. It's past 12.

I felt my heart fluttering, but I killed it in an instant. I let the worry I could see in his messages fuel my wrath.

Bakit ba siya chat nang chat?! I made it clear to him that he should only talk to me if he had something important to say! And really? He'll check to see if I've eaten my food now?! Bakit? Kung wala talaga siyang nararamdaman para sa 'kin, dapat ko na lang bang isipin na parte 'to ng pagiging magka-partner namin?!

He's back to his old tricks! He's being too much again! He's making me feel too much again! Sasaya ako kapag nand'yan siya kasi parang ang lambing-lambing niya, pero ano? Lulungkot na naman ako kapag nakita ko siyang kasama si Psyche!

Our classmates even saw that he messaged me! Ano'ng iisipin nila?! Nag-uusap kami habang nasa isang relasyon siya?

He has a fiancé! Nag-propose siya kay Psyche! Ano pa bang kailangan niya sa 'kin?!

Seething in anger at the way he controlled my thoughts and emotions, I gripped my phone tightly and fired back with a text message.

Amari Sloane Mendoza: You never listen, do you? Ipapaalala ko lang sa 'yo na hindi porke't magkaibigan tayo sa Facebook ay magkaibigan na tayo sa totoong buhay. Instead of fretting about me, you should set your sights on your fiancé and get the hell away from me. And please, know your fucking place in my life! Sino ka ba sa akala mo?

Amari Sloane Mendoza: I know it's Friday and we'll be working together later, but if you send me one more message, I'll block you. I can finish the report on my own. You know I can still do well without you.

"Wow . . . sigurado akong nanginginig sa takot si Leon ngayon," sabi ni Zoey na hindi ko napansing pinapanood na ako.

Pinakalma ko ang sarili. Hindi dapat ako ma-guilty. Tama lang naman ang sinabi ko. Iyon naman talaga ang dapat niyang marinig dahil lumalampas na naman siya sa linya. He was in a relationship, and as someone who had been cheated on in the past, I didn't want other women to have to go through what I had.

"Ang kulit kasi, eh. Hindi ko naman tatakasan ang report namin," pagsisinungaling ko para hindi nila bigyan ng meaning ang nakita. "Kayang-kaya ko ngang gawin mag-isa 'yon."

"Ang init ng dugo mo kay Leon," natatawang komento ni Shaira. "Competitive much?"

Zoey let out a long sigh as she placed her left cheek on the book that was lying open on the table. "Sayang. I thought we'd all be friends after the convention. Ano bang nangyari sa inyo at parang naging mortal enemies kayo?"

"Si Mari lang naman, eh . . ." sabi ni Meg.

Umiling ako. "We're not enemies . . . I just don't like him."

Good thing they didn't push through the topic. We stayed at the library until it was time for our last subject. Bumalik kami sa room at agad na lumipad ang tingin ko kay Leon na ngayon ay nagbabasa lang. I turned away and sat in my chair quietly as I waited for Ms. Lubrica.

I don't know how I'll approach Leon, but as I've said, I can do the report alone. Kung hindi niya ako lalapitan ay hinding-hindi ko ibaba ang pride ko para kausapin siya. I'm done playing games with him. Kung hindi niya kayang seryosohin ang nararamdaman ko, siguro oras na para ipaalam ko sa kanya na wala siyang halaga sa akin. He might have thought I let him flirt with me.

"Good afternoon, class," bati sa amin ni Ms. Lubrica. "We were supposed to do a research activity, but the internet at our school just went out. Kahit sa library at computer lab ay hindi kami maka-connect."

"Hala, ma'am, kung ako 'yon, pauuwiin ko na ang mga estudyante ko," pagbibiro ni Shaira.

My classmates laughed. Simula kaninang alas diez ng umaga hanggang ngayong ala una ay wala kaming teacher kaya kung i-di-dismiss na kami ni Ms. Lubrica ay para lang kaming nagtapon ng tatlong oras dahil Field Methods lang naman ang subject namin ngayong hapon.

"I'll let you use my time to do what you need to do."

Agad na nagpalakpakan at nagsigawan ang mga kaklase ko.

"Tapusin n'yo na ang ipinapagawa sa inyo hangga't maaga pa para hindi kayo matambakan kapag nag-announce na ng final requirements ang iba n'yong teacher," dagdag pa ni Ma'am.

"Love you, ma'am!"

Of course, everyone was happy because it was a free pass to go home already. Medyo nainis lang ako dahil dapat ay kanina pa iyon ini-announce para hindi na kami nag-antay ng oras. Kaya lang, hindi ko naman kayang sisihin si Ms. Lubrica dahil hindi niya naman kasalanang bigla na lang nawalan ng internet ang school.

I was tapping my fingers on the armrest of my seat because I was feeling disturbed. Hindi ako sigurado kung lalapitan pa ako ni Leon pagkatapos ng mga sinabi ko sa kanya. Paano na? Tutuloy ba kami o magkakanya-kanya na lang?

"Girl, gagawa na kayo ngayon, 'di ba? Uuna na kami, ha?"

Tahimik na tumango lang ako sa tatlo. Leon was still sitting in his chair, so I didn't get up from mine either. Pinanood ko na lang ang mga kaklase kong isa-isang umalis at halos lahat sila ay mahahalata mong natuwa sa nangyari. Kami lang talaga ni Leon ang naiba.

"Who told you I have a fiancé?" he asked firmly when everyone left.

I clenched my fist. "Does it matter?"

"Is it Psyche?"

Pabalang akong tumawa. "Bakit ba natin pinag-uusapan 'to? I'm here for the written—"

"Is it Psyche?" mas madiing tanong niya.

He glanced up at me, his gaze probing my soul.

Napakurap ako. He looked . . . furious.

"Hindi ko naman ipagkakalat!" my voice trembled. "B-Bakit sa akin ka nagagalit?"

He stood up, and I felt a chill run down my spine as he placed both of his hands on the armrests on each of my sides, basically pinning me to the chair I was sitting in.

"A-Ano?!" I panicked.

He was so close that I couldn't even breathe!

"Did Psyche tell you that lie?" he whispered, his eyes wandering around my face.

My lips parted. He wasn't engaged?

He grinned arrogantly. "For someone who's startled, you're still quite pretty, huh?"

Naramdaman ko ang agad na pag-iinit ng mukha ko sa sinabi niya.

I tried to talk, but nothing came out of my mouth. My heartbeat was so fast that I found it difficult to maintain a steady breath. He was just inches away from me!

His glasses were sliding down his nose bridge, and I could tell by the look in his eyes that he was enduring a lot of pain and a bit of . . . amusement.

"I'm not allowed to tell anyone about the nature of my relationship with Psyche, but you know how to pull my trigger, don't you?" he asked.

I swallowed hard. "Edi, 'wag mong sabihin . . ."

He chuckled as his eyes went to my lips. "Like it's easy."

He's not engaged. Leon . . . is not engaged. It was as if a light bulb went off in my head, causing my heart to race with relief.

"Wala naman akong pakialam," I managed to say.

I stiffened when slightly he tucked a few strands of my hair behind my ear. He stared deep into my eyes like was in a trance.

"I was only pretending to be Psyche's boyfriend," he whispered, wreaking havoc inside me.

I shook my head. "Hindi mo kailangang sabihin sa akin 'to."

"In exchange for the parcel of land that my mother used to own but ended up losing when my father used it as collateral to pay off his debts to Psyche's father," he said. "Gustong-gusto 'yon mabawi ni Nanay . . . kaya pumayag ako."

Hindi ako nagsalita.

"May ibang fiancé si Psyche . . . and I can assure you it wasn't me. She doesn't like him, so she hired me to make him break off their engagement."

"She said it was you," I said.

Umiling siya. "It was the governor's son."

"She said it was you!" I insisted. "She said you proposed to her a few weeks ago!"

"It was a cover-up . . . para walang nakakaalam na nagpapanggap lang kami."

Mind over matter, Amari. Mind over matter. Remember what you promised yourself. You can't entertain someone because you have a lot of things to fix about yourself . . . even if that someone is Leon.

I put my hands on his shoulders and tried to push him away, but he wouldn't budge.

"Okay, I've heard enough," I said with finality. "Hindi ko alam kung bakit sinasabi mo sa 'kin 'to pero hindi na 'to sakop ng pagiging magka-partner natin."

"Are you sure you don't know why?" he asked.

I tightened my jaw. "Enough, Zamora!"

I pushed him hard before getting up. Magkalapit pa rin kami, kaya alam kong walang kinalaman ang pagtulak ko sa paglayo niya. Hinayaan niya lang talaga akong makatayo.

"Labas na ako sa kung ano'ng meron sa inyo," pagmamatigas ko. "You can make it real for all I care!"

So much pain shot through his eyes that I had to look away.

"There's someone I really like at the moment . . . so I don't think I can do that."

I stood my ground. "Save it. Wala sabi akong pake!"

"I didn't confess because I was afraid she'd think I'd just paved the path for her every time she would win against me." He chuckled, but he sounded gloomy. "Ganoon . . . kababa ang tingin niya sa sarili niya. Na pinagbibigyan lang siya kapag nananalo siya."

Tumango ako at pilit na ikinalma ang sarili. I couldn't let my heart take over me. Not again.

"Are you done? Can we proceed to what we need to do now?" tanong ko bago muling tinapunan siya ng tingin.

From the pocket of his uniform, he took out a flash drive. Hinawakan niya ang kamay ko at maingat na inilagay iyon doon.

"Tapos ko na," marahang sabi niya. "I actually don't want to give it to you because I was looking forward to spending at least two or three Friday afternoons together, but . . . there."

My hands trembled as I looked at the flash drive. Hindi ko alam kung bakit nasasaktan ako gayong sinabi na mismo niya sa akin na wala naman siyang kasintahan. I knew he wasn't lying . . . but I do not have the heart to trust him . . . or myself again.

Natatakot ako. I might like him too much, to the point where I would suffocate him. I might want him too much, to the point where I would wear him out.

"You said you don't like me, Leon," I said, my voice trembling. "Naniwala na ako ro'n kaya panindigan mo."

Naramdaman ko ang paglayo niya kaya nag-angat ako ng tingin. Isinukbit niya ang bag niya sa balikat at bigong-bigong tumingin sa akin.

"Don't worry, I've taken a hint now, and I already know my fucking place," he said in a low, hushed tone. "I'm only a rival to you . . . and I need to stay there because that's the only way I can be a part of your life."