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Chapter Twenty

Beautiful

I was looking at myself on the floor mirror inside my bedroom. I was alone in my room. I pouted thinking that I got a little fat... Or I feel like tumaba talaga ako from all the cravings I was having since I got pregnant.

Naisip ko si Aaron.

We were doing good these past couple of weeks. I wonder if he thinks the same way I think about myself now. I worry that he might not find me attractive anymore...

Napatakip ako sa mukha ko sa pag-iisip. Paano kung ma realized ni Aaron na hindi na pala ako kasing ganda gaya ng dati? Na baka pa magbago ang isip niya... Pagkatapos ko pa siyang tinanggihan na sa pagpapakasal ay baka ngayon lalong ayaw nalang niyang magpakasal pa sa akin dahil hindi na ako maganda...

I groaned in frustration. I feel ugly.

With my protruding stomach, bigger arms and thighs, and my cheeks getting chubby... I feel hopeless.

Napaupo ako sa kama ko. Gusto kong maiyak. Hindi na naman na 'to ang unang beses na naramdaman kong parang hindi na ako maganda simula noong nagbuntis ako. But I hate this feeling.

Bigla akong tumayo at nagpasyang lumabas nalang ng kwarto. I feel hungry. Nagutom ako kakaisip. Or truth was I wasn't really hungry but just craving again...

I sighed.

Bakit kasi parang ang sarap sarap naman kumain?

Bahala na nga.

As long as I'm happy. Food can really make a person happy... Lalo na kapag nakain mo iyong gusto mo talagang kainin. It's like heaven.

But at the same time magi-guilty ka rin pagkatapos mong kumain... Lalo kapag naramdaman mong parang nasobrahan ka na yata sa kain. Tapos tingin mo tumaba ka na. Hindi na kasya ang mga dati mong damit. You will feel bad about it...

But then you're still happy at the same time because you were able to eat what you're craving for...

I sighed again.

It's confusing.

"Oh."

Natigilan kami ni Mommy nang makasalubong ang isa't isa. Ako pababa ng hagdan at siya naman paakyat. Nakita niya ang nakasimangot kong mukha. "Are you all right, hija?" Mom asked.

I sighed. "I'm fine, Mom..."

Nagkatinginan kami ni Mommy. Instead of going upstairs, kinuha ni Mommy ang kamay ko at hinila ako nang tuluyan pababa. "You don't look fine, hija... What's wrong?" Mommy asked me worriedly.

I pouted. And tears shined in my eyes. I feel like crying.

"Oh, Tristeen." Mommy pulled me in her arms and hugged me comfortingly.

"How's things going between you and Aaron? May problema ba?" Tanong ni Mommy habang niyayakap ako at inaalo.

Yumakap din ako kay Mommy at umiling sa balikat niya. "Aaron and I are fine, Mommy. In fact we've been doing well... It's just... It's me..."

Pinakawalan ako ni Mommy sa yakap para makita niya ang mukha ko. "What is it?"

I started crying in front of Mommy. I can't explain it to her. How do I explain it with my mom that her daughter was just feeling ugly...? I feel like I'm just being petty, too...

Muli nalang akong maagap na niyakap ni Mommy. "Are you sure na ayos lang kayo ni Aaron, Tristeen?" She asked me seriously.

Tumango lang ako sa balikat niya.

Wala na rin akong sinabi kay Mommy pagkatapos noon.

But when Aaron came to visit tinanong niya ako dahil sinabihan raw siya ni Mommy na umiiyak ako noong isang araw.

Nagkatinginan kami ni Aaron. Nasa kitchen kami because I wanted to eat some sweets at napili kong dito nalang din kumain.

"What's wrong? Something happened? You can tell me, Tristeen..." he said.

Binitiwan ko ang tinidor na gamit sa pagkain ng cake. Umiling ako kay Aaron. "Nothing..." I answered.

While he remained looking at me. He's looking at my face. Medyo nailang na ako sa katititig niya sa akin. I looked away. I was wearing makeup on my face. Naglagay ako kanina ng mga kolorete sa mukha bago pa man dumating si Aaron.

Just so I could feel less insecure about the changes in body since pregnancy started and that I could get out of my room and face Aaron.

I heaved a sigh. Nawalan na rin ako ng gana sa kinakain. Kahit masarap naman ang red velvet cake na dala sa akin ni Aaron. "Bakit ka ba nakatingin?" Naaasiwa kong tanong sa kaniya.

But a smile just formed on Aaron's lips.

Kumunot ang noo ko sa kaniya. "What?"

He just smilingly shook his head. "Nothing... I just find you so beautiful." He said it as if honestly.

My forehead creased even more. Pinagtitripan ba ako ni Aaron? Sinimangutan ko siya. "Stop it." inis kong pagpapatigil sa kaniya.

Tumingin ako sa mukha niya na nakangiti pa rin sa akin. I feel like I wanted to wipe off the smile on his face. Nakakainis si Aaron.

"But...why are you wearing makeup, anyway? You don't need it. You're already very beautiful."

"Ano ba'ng problema mo, Aaron?" Because I feel like pinagtitripan niya talaga ako.

"What?" He looked like he was a little taken aback. "I'm just asking... I'm sorry." He sighed.

Inirapan ko siya at nag-iwas ako ng tingin. "Gusto ko lang..." Sinagot ko pa rin ang tanong niya.

"Alright..." Inusog ni Aaron ang cake palapit sa akin. "You're not finished with your red velvet, yet. Ayaw mo na ba? Already full?"

Umiling ako. And then I looked at my cake. "I love this red velvet cake that you bought for me, Aaron. It's delicious."

"I'm glad it is. Kung hindi ibabalik ko 'yan sa cake shop na pinagbilhan ko."

"What?" Natigilan ako sa sinabi niya. "Are you serious?"

He smiled. "Just kidding."

We remained looking at each other. Until a smile broke on my lips. And then I chuckled. Lumapad din ang ngiti ni Aaron habang tinitingnan akong natawa.

Despite all the insecurities that I've been feeling which I think was normal with pregnant women... I was still happy that day. Masaya ako kapag nabibisita ako ni Aaron at dinadalhan niya pa ako ng gusto kong pagkain. At nakakapag-usap din kami nang ganito. Nakakatuwa.

"Bye. See you again tomorrow..." Hinatid ko na siya sa labas ng bahay sa kotse niya nang maggagabi na rin.

"Yes. I'll see you again tomorrow."

Tumango ako.

"Just send me a message of the food that you want to eat tomorrow."

I pouted.

Aaron just smiled, gently.

Magaan na rin akong ngumiti sa kaniya. "I will. Thank you, Aaron."

Umiling siya. "It's nothing. But you're welcome."

Kaaalis lang ni Aaron nang dumating naman sina Mommy at daddy. It was early so we had dinner together with my brother. It was a fine night...

But before that, nang salubungin ko sina Mommy nang dumating ay may napansin siya sa mukha ko at agad nag-focus doon. "Saan ka galing, hija?" she asked.

"Hmm? Dito lang po sa bahay, Mommy."

"I see." she said, still looking at my face.

"Bakit po, Mommy?"

Naituro niya ang mukha ko. "Uh, wala naman, hija. Akala ko lang ay may pinuntahan ka dahil mukhang nag-ayos ka yata talaga..."

"Po?" Napahawak din ako sa mukha ko. "Uh...naglagay lang po ng konting makeup, Mommy..."

"Konti?" Parang nalito pa si Mommy.

Tumango naman ako. "Opo... Bakit po, Mom...? Something wrong with my makeup...?" But I already feel like may mali nga. Have I checked my face twice in the mirror?

Kaya ba nangingiti si Aaron kanina habang nakatingin sa mukha ko?

I shut my eyes tight upon realizing.

"It's okay, hija... But, medyo nakapalan mo lang yata nang konti ang paglalagay mo ng makeup..." Mommy gave me a troubled looking smile.

I heaved a sigh.

Mommy gave me another smile. This time a gentle one. "It's all right, Tristeen. You're still beautiful, anak."

"Your Mom's right." sabat pa ni Daddy na nakasunod kay Mommy.

Mom looked at Dad beside her. "Siyempre sa akin nagmana ang anak natin."

Daddy just nodded at what Mom said. Mommy smiled at Dad happily.

Napangiti nalang din ako habang pinagmamasdan ang parents ko sa harapan ko.

It's all right. Aaron still said I'm beautiful despite my overly done makeup.