Phoenix to control the fire within, you must become at peace with the fire....

Anger for me is like a warmth that's pitted deep within my soul, that grows stronger and stronger until I'm consumed by the fire and I have no control over it or myself.

It's hard for me to find the words to express how I feel at that moment.

Miss Toulouse patiently sits as I stutter and mumble my way through justifying my infliction.

She has taken me away from the other ladies, we sit on a bench in the garden, right at the back, where she grows all our vegetables and herbs. The sunbeams down in this secluded little sun trap, it washes over your skin and rejuvenates your tired bones.

But even here, in this little piece of heaven and tranquillity, I can't find the words, so I remember what my beloved grandmother would say to me when I was overwhelmed "Breath Phoenix, let's start at the beginning".

"I can't tell you when I first felt the burning fire inside of me because I believe it's always been there and will always be. It's a constant burning flickering ember deep in my soul, when I get emotionally overwhelmed and I can't calm down, it's like someone has poured petrol over that little flickering ember and it grows so quickly into an uncontrollable fire that's burns through me until ... I'am the fire".

Miss Toulouse gently placed her hand upon mine, a simple gesture to show she understands and to go on.

"When the fire is in full force, I can't stop it because I don't want to stop it, it's like a drug and I'm addicted because it numbs me and burns away all the pain".

"Are you addicted to the power?" She softly asks me.

My head hangs low, I'm no longer able to make eye contact with her for fear of rejection when I answer honestly "Yes... at that moment the power has made me untouchable, I'm safe".

An awkward silence falls between us as my words linger in the air. I watch the birds enviously as they flutter in the trees without a care in the world, how to wish I was able to fly away from who I am and what I've done in the past.

"Life can be cruel, we have dealt Phoenix a challenging hand from birth to death, some more than others. But we have the choice of how we deal with that hand, every woman that's walked through that door has been ground down by life in some way or another, what we do here is raise them, we help them become strong, to learn who they truly are and what they can be - we do that by walking away and releasing their pain, so it no longer has a hold on them".

"I don't understand" I murmur.

"We are all broken in different ways, it doesn't make us less, it makes us who we are .... Survivors. Your pain unlike everyone else's isn't hidden deep beneath the surface, it burns strong for the world to see, you need to learn to harness your pain, and regain control over it so it doesn't control you".

I roll my eyes not wishing to seem disrespectful but struggling to believe what she is saying is that easy.

She leans in "let me show you".

Shakily she rises from the seat and between both her tiny hands brings down her walking stick hard into the earth three times.

The air becomes thick as darkness falls in front of us as if the Sun has been eclipsed. The beautiful lush green garden that was so full of life, is now slowly transforming into a dark, eerie dense wooded area. I'm no longer able to see the house or the ladies, it's as if we've been transported far away into a secluded woods in the heart of the night. It's silent because no life resides here, it's only us.

"Stand up Phoenix and step into the darkness".

As if she can smell my fear wafting off me like a cheap perfume, she takes my hand and gently pulls me up.

"Trust me Phoenix, walk into the darkness and turn to face me".

Trust - that's something that I didn't have in many people, I'd been let down so much that rejection these days was easy to accept. But as I gazed at her tiny crinkly face, I saw my grandmother looking back at me with her kind twinkling eyes and I knew I needed to take this leap of faith.

The cold wrapped around me as I walked slowly into the darkness, it stung my skin and penetrated my bones. I turned to face Miss Toulouse not sure of what to expect next.

"I need you Phoenix to close your eyes and listen to my voice, whatever happens, know that you are safe... this I promise you".

I nod my head in acknowledgement.

"I need you to relax, as we slowly ignite the fire".

My eyes pinged open as realisation smacked me in the face of what she intended to do "I can't do that, I will hurt you, I don't want to hurt you".

"My sweet child you can't hurt me here, you are in my illusion. I have complete control over what is around me and you. Phoenix to control the fire within you, you must become at peace with the fire - here is a safe space to do that".

I felt the ember of flickering fire inside me ache to be released as if it could hear her words.

"Your pain and trauma from this life and your last needs to be controlled but only you can do that, I will be here to guide you".

Warmth rushes over my still body as I try to focus on her words, the fire within my soul like a monster inside of me now scratching to get out.

"Think of your triggers that cause the fire to burn within you .... Losing your parents"

My veins start to burn.

"Losing your grandmother".

The warmth is now unbearable heat in the pit of my gut.

"Your cruel aunt"

My skin starts to sizzle.

"Being betrayed by our beloved sister of the coven"

I scream out "stop" as my body becomes a ball of wild orange and blood-red furious flames that lick at my flesh with greedy intent. I dare not move even though the flames flicker and urge me to charge Miss Toulouse. I scream out of frustration as I fight the beautiful wave of intoxicating power that pulses through me, my screams are drowned out by the crackles of the flames. 

Emotions are slowly being burnt away as the fire takes its hold upon my soul until I hear her voice amongst the hisses and crackles of the flames.

"Take control, listen to my voice Phoenix"

Her voice is faint like a whisper carried on the wind.

"The pain will control you, instead let love Phoenix take its place... Don't see but feel the love all around you, instead of the flames. Feel the love of your parents, feel the love of your grandmother, feel the love from Lola, Ally and myself - from all the ladies who reside in our home, let it wash over your soul and body".

"Our home".

I open my eyes and see their beautiful faces appear in my mind as they materialise before me, one by one they step into the flames - my grandmother, parents, my new friends here, none of them are afraid of the furious fire that wrapped around me like a wall of flame, they each slowly pull me in to embrace, with each face that appears the fire weakens. The once furious orange flames that ripped through me become transparent icy blue that no longer burns my skin and boils my blood.

"This pain is part of you Phoenix, it's part of you - it doesn't define you. The fire doesn't control you, you control the fire".

As her last word reaches me, their kind, beautiful faces that surrounded me in a cloak of love start to fade away like smoke drifting in the wind. My grandmother's smile fades as a tear rolls down my face.

"Remember the love, not the pain" I repeat these words to myself until the blue flames gently dance around me, now completely under my control. There is no sensation of emptiness as the pain has been consumed by the fire but rather peace with what is and has been. The power is the same, except for the first time I'm in control.