(HELLO! my lazy bum self decided to finally get my lazy ass off and finally start writing and continue this story. Its been over a year i think since i haven't laid one hand on this story, but for sure now i want to keep a promise and finish this book!!!! sorry for my dear ones i took long like hella long)

YOUR POV

Is it possible... possible that I really lost the man of my life that went through all that pain that was never meant for him? was I just over reacting over the dumbest things I could've fix before my own selfish acts... and to him I was a betrayal partner that somewhat was ignorant. Reality can be the hell of it when things flash in your own eyes; something you can never rewind but live the fact that it was your fault. The fault of not listening and the fault of not ever being there for the love ones...yikes.. i really mess up. So bad, so bad where I think i'll never find a man like him anymore... a cherish,thoughtful, and last but not least amazing.

 I tried to wriggle out  as the police held me while talking into his walkie talkie.  Everything was blurry and things went black for a moment..My eyes were ready to let the most tears out as this moment. i watch the paramedics carry his lifeless body out as the policeman was trying to talk to me. I somewhat was paralyzed i couldn't speak nor could I move because of his death... The police then tried to snap me out of it. 

   "MA'AM!" the police officer said, I look at him and didn't know what to do but tell him.

"it was my fault.. I didn't listen, I didn't do anything but be as ignorant as possible.. I didn't know he felt like this that bad...It was my fault" I said as I started to cry even more, "ma'am it was not your fault. it was not your fault at all.." he said as he look into my eyes with faith hoping I will be able to move on with life. he then rub my head and said "it wasn't your fault.. it wasn't your fault that he committed suicide. it wasn't... forsure". The police man then walk me out of patrick's warm home and told me that they will contact me when they're done checking Patrick... the police also explained to me that i should be fine from now, forsure... 

I got back in my car, staring outside as people from his neighborhood watch the paramedics put patrick in the truck. Everything was in slow motion... it was like being in a movie, but difference is, is that it's reality, not fantasy because a lover in the end always ends up back alive even if that person was dead. I turned my head to the left and saw a crow staring at the crowd... as every head adjustments were made.. the bird then turned to me. i felt shock and turned away from my own mistake of not being there for patrick. Maybe if i listen...

I putted in my key and drove off leaving the scene, a scene of a last memory. I look into the mirror in the middle and saw my sadden gloomy eyes they were red almost like .. I look back on the street and felt agony, so much pain... numb it at least  please... i decided to probably drop by the liquor store, probably pick up few drinks. I park in the parking lot by the liquor store and took deep breathes as i step out of the  car... i started at the liquor sign debating if i  should even put myself in this position...

it is your fault.. all of it (y/n) what you did can not be forgive

fuck it! this is what I  get for not helping and not even listening to the person I love. I was the one who deserved to die.. i look down at my hands that were clench, i sighed and continue to  walk. As I enter in I was greeted with a woman, I turned to the right and greeted her back

"Hello" I said  as I smiled, as I was walking i decided I might get hennessy and whiskey...

I walk back to my car just cold and worthless, before even getting to my car.. I felt a cold breeze passing me from the left.. i didn't mind it though because it's just nature fooling with me... maybe if I listen

     puts in keys, "703.1 jamz, today on the radio we'll be playing 'Tonight' by Tyler Joseph next we will be playing ariana grande, anyways sit back with a seat belt on and drive safely" I sighed, I then putted on my seatbelt on and back up. I then drove off wondering if he ever really think of her in that way... maybe he love her more than me, maybe its because she's beautiful with every perfect beauty of being a girlfriend... beautiful... what am'i? 

ugly... such a pathetic person... you're not even smart nor are you worth it... what a shame... shame on you

 " The point of life must be pretty dark and hopeless terrifying and if your asking me when that is.. 

It must be tonight

it must be tonight

it must be tonight

it must be tonight

the old man sits all by himself and thinks of better years when he used to believe in stars and would dream his fears away"

 I cried as the music was playing, I felt so hopeless... maybe if I listen...

I step out of the car and saw the beauty of the sky... it was beautiful, but sadness was dig into the beautifulness of the stars. 

"patrick hurry up! you're missing the view goofy!" I said as looking behind to spot a handsome man with a smile. "I'm coming!' he said as laughing. I looked back up at the stars and it was like beauty to me, it was so unexplainable, and so fascinating. No other word could bring thoughts to how I feel about the stars because it made me feel free.. away from problems... it felt like nature was hugging me in it s arms. "(y/n), I know you love the stars... I just wanted you to know when i'm gone some day as in i have to pass, I want you to remember me as the stars of the skies you look at and know i'm still there with you. Thick or thin, no matter what because I love you, even if it was the worse you felt you have done to me... just know that i'll always forgive you with everything, my hopes, my dreams, and my strength..' he said as I turned and look at him. I then hug him and said "what do you mean? you're already the sky I see every night, we'll never be apart... I promise". he kissed me on the head and smiled.

sighs, closes car door; if only I could replay every inch of that moment  I could tell him how much he meant to me... things i never got to say before I left him, such a selfish move i never notice till now.. what was I thinking? im fucken stupid in every way.. so damn retarded.... 

"for fuck sakes" I said as I drop my keys on the ground, what's the point of this anyways.. what's the point of living... when you're somewhat trash and somewhat a non-beauty lady... I wonder why did i even deserve patrick... i think without me even living in the first place would've led me to prevent all of this happen.. opens door and takes off shoes.

FEW WEEKS PASS BY

I smoke the last blunt before I fazed off into space... I wanted it to numb me the fuck out