Note : Trigger warning for Panic attacks/self harm/abandonment.

I have tried to not be graphic at all with my descriptions but still there are clear mentions. The next chapter too might include them, so do not read ahead if this feels heavy to you❤️

Mishti Agarwal wasn't an enigma, even when she looked like one to the naked eye. She was one of the most simple person at heart, yet a complicated figure on face value, but that was majorly because she lacked the ability to use right words in the right situation, especially when she had to talk about herself and her own emotional upheaval. She would rather talk about you than talk about herself. Maybe that was why she had developed this habit of writing a diary - even when she couldn't quote poems or weave shayaris, she had always been better at writing down what she felt that speaking out loud.

But again, all of that had changed when Abir had entered her life. She hadn't even realized when she left the pen and paper behind and began ranting everything to her human diary instead. It was the most ecstatic Mishti had ever felt, for she never had to measure her words and emotions around him. The world might be sinking around them, or breaking into pearls of laughter instead - she just needed to twirl around with her 'Pata hai Abir' and he would be there - listening patiently to everything she spoke, from meaningless blabbers to her meaningful ache. Anything and everything.

To be honest, it was this that she had missed the most in the last three months. To be able to talk with no guards keeping her anxious, to know someone was listening to her not because it was their job ( like her therapist in London) but because every word she spoke meant something to him. She had missed her best friend Abir more than her beloved Abir.

But today, as she watched his face pale with every sentence she spoke, she regretted this very attention Abir gave her. She had just managed to speak about her first panic attacks when she had relocated to Maheshwari Mansion, her tears, her insecurities and the pain of being called a fraud's daughter. She had just confessed about how she missed her mother, and her Taiji and her Naira Didi when she would see Varsha feed Kuhu - until Badi Maa began doing that for her. A thirteen year old crying under the shower - frozen from her haunting dreams, from being tossed around like she didn't matter to her blood related family - until her Bade Papa and Badi Maa would find her on the verge of collapsing.

Abir had stilled hearing her and She hated watching his eyes reflect raw pain, especially when it wasn't his in the first place, but some tiny selfish part of her broken heart seemed to glue itself back too - the realization that her tears were acid to his heart, that she still mattered to hin enough to bring him down to his knees - it soothed an ache she didn't even know she was suffering from.

“Abir?", she stopped and called him, but he shook his head, asking her to continue.

"I think it's enough for today, let's just -", she was cut off by Abir's hold on her wrist tightening, and his eyes looking deep into hers.

"Tomorrow you will find some excuse to not tell me everything, or maybe just mellow down the whole thing. I need to know Mishti, I need to know what my actions put you through - in your words. You need to let it out, you need to complain and cry and do whatever you feel or else - ", he sighed as a shadow passed his face, robbing him of his words.

"Or else?", Mishti quizzed, holding his gaze but he stole his eyes from her.

"Or else it will eat you up, kill a part of you and even though you will continue to breathe, smile and live life - it wouldn't be the same ever. The nemesis will become a friend instead", Abir's smile grew melancholic as he rubbed small patterns on the palm of her hand.

"Abir -", Mishti was about to ask something again when he shook his head, stopping her in her tracks.

"Not tonight Mishti. Please. Tonight, this moment is about you. I know I have hurt you enough for a lifetime, and have probably lost any right to demand anything from you, but I need to know, please", his voice dropped to a plead and Mishti exhaled, knowing pretty well he wasn't going to let this go.

So with quivering lips and shaking hands, she told him the rest of it too. She told him about her three months in London.

She told him about the nights she had spent crying from her nightmares, sobs so loud that Nishant had woken up and held her through those nights.

She told him about the moments when she would feel absolutely worthless, and the feeling wouldn't let her breathe. She would gasp for air and again, on multiple of those occasions, the only person able to clam her down had been Nishant.

And then she paused for a moment, because she what she would say next was going to rip Abir apart if nothing else. She didn't even know how to frame it in words, it had been a moment of absolute weakness for her and she was glad she wasn't alone then. When Abir frowned watching her contemplating something so seriously, he had understood already that this was going to burn him alive.

And it had.

Watching Mishti wordlessly forward her left wrist to him, the scar running down from her left medial carpel bone to her lateral forearm - Abir had forgotten to breathe.

And when he did, he could only manage to scream out loud.

------

Nishant froze for a tiny second when he heard Abir scream, and in the next flash he was running up the stairs, climbing two at a time to reach Mishti. Kartik - Naira and the rest of the Maheshwari clan rushed behind him too, but nobody could understand the fear that had filled his heart for nobody had seen Mishti drowning like he had.

Pushing open the half bolted door, he couldn't even manage to see the flabbergasted expression on Mishti's face as she gaped at his panting figure and scared eyes, because as soon as his eyes landed on Mishti, he had broken into a run and hugged her, hiding her petite figure completely.

"Mishti, are you okay? Did he do something? Did you do something stupid again?", Nishant broke into a frenzy as he began checking her wrists hastily and finally breathed in relief to not find anything, "Did you again had a panic attack? Are you having trouble breathing? Mishti?", he literally shook her, wanting her to just once tell him she was okay but Mishti wasn't looking at him. Her eyes wouldn't stop travelling between her entire family standing on the door and Abir who looked like he had seen a ghost.

Naira literally stumbled on her steps and if not for Kartik, she was sure she would have fallen down. Kartik himself was only trying to make something out of the situation in front of his eyes. Just behind him, Badi maa had her hands covering her mouth, her shoulders shaking as she realized well what Nishant had been ranting about, and even Bade Papa looked close to tears. Kuhu, Varsha, Shaurya and Jasmeet were too astonished to react.

By the time Nishant realized what was happening, he was yanked off Mishti and a furious Badi Maa stared at her dead in the eye, holding her wrist, her eyes focused on the scar.

"You lied to me Mishti", Badi Maa's tears rolled down her cheeks as she stared at her daughter with accusing eyes, "I called you all day, every day asking you if you were okay, if the panic attacks had returned but you lied to me through your teeth and said you were doing better. How could you think of snatching away my daughter from me again Mishti, how?", loud sobs echoed in the room as Mishti flunged herself in her Badi Maa's embrace, shaking her head furiously.

"No Badi Maa, this was a mistake. Trust me, I didn't intend to, I just -", her voice broke as she saw her Bade Papa standing behind Badi Maa with teary eyes too, "I joined therapy and I finished my sessions and I got better Badi Maa. I got my clean chit from the therapist Bade Papa. I actually was more than fine", she explained, but nobody seemed to buy her explanation. It was all tears and apologies and explanations and love for a while.

Mishti was smothered with hugs and kisses as Badi Maa, Bade Papa, Naira and Kartik made sure she was okay. All four them couldn't stop apologizing for something or the other. What amused Mishti was the tears that rolled down Kuhu's eyes as she continued to stand by the gate and stare at Mishti.

After a while when everyone comparatively calmed down, they left the room, with Badi Maa clearly instructing Mishti and Abir to join for dinner in a while. As they closed the door behind them, Mishti turned to face Abir who was awfully quite all this time.

Mishti sniffed before covering the distance between her and Abir but before she could speak, she felt his arms around her as he pulled her to his chest, and kiss the crown of her head. Then he slightly broke the hug to face her, but didn't loose his grip on her waist.

"Mishti, you are more worth than I could ever be, please drill that in your head. Do not let anyone, and I repeat anyone's actions - be it friends or family or a lover - determine your worth. We need people like you. The world need people like you. You don't even realize because you think nobody cares but a simple scratch on you can send us all in a frenzy. Loosing you would just kill us all", Abir's voice sounded uncomfortably calm as he managed to speak out.

Mishti only smiled.

"Pata hai Abir", she stared at him as she spoke, "I know this is going to sound weird and selfish, but whatever you just said wouldn't have made any sense to me if what just happened didn't happen. In that moment, when everyone was hugging the life out of me, even Kuhu was crying", she chuckled, "I felt valued. For that one moment, I felt like I matter. My existence matters. Me being a part of their lives matters. My therapist told me the root cause of my issues is my fear of abandonment. But right now in this one tiny moment, I feel love deep inside my bones. I don't know how long this epiphany will stay with me, but -", she was cut off by Abir pulling her back to his chest and she happily embraced him, now aware of how hard his heart was beating.

"I wish I could have half your strength Mishti. You are my ray of sunshine, do you even realize that?", Abir asked, leaning down to rest his forehead against hers.

Badi Maa's voice calling them for dinner broke their moment, and it made Mishti smile, just how restless he seemed on breaking the hug, as if physically touching her hand was what keeping his feet steady.

"Would you meet me tomorrow at the lake side? Early morning?", Abir asked her, making her frown.

"Why?", she was immediate to counter question.

"Because there is a lot more that you need to tell me. It might be too much for today but this is not all. I want to know what your nightmares were about. I want to know the last thought you had before you took that step. I want to know what triggered your panic attacks. I need to know every bit of that ache you have felt as a part of you Mishti. If I have to correct it all, I have to know every tear you have ever shed", Abir cupped her cheeks and kissed her forehead.

Mishti felt a lump in her throat as she nodded at him, not trusting her voice. It was true that she loved him, but it was also true that there was a lot of pain he had given her. Yet, she could never deny that the most home she ever felt was in his arms.

Abir smiled at her, lifted her hands to his mouth and kissed them.

"I need to go, Kunal has been messaging me all day. Meet me tomorrow at 6 am yeah?", Abir spoke, not looking at her, but Mishti understood what he didn't speak. He needed some time to gather what she had revealed today. But what made her chest swell in joy was he had caught hold of her main fear already. He was promising her their next meet before even leaving today.

So she let him go.

The pandora's box between them had just opened, she just hoped it didn't drown them anymore.