Of course as soon as Patti asked Mrs. Permala if she could help out, she was named the official assistant to the director. That is, until she leaves. It's been two days since she told us, so all the plans aren't set in stone yet; but her parents say she has about two weeks before they'll make their first trip out there. Until then, Patti's first task as assistant to the director is to help Mrs. Permala with the cast list, which is exactly what she's doing today, on the first day of auditions.

Paige and I have run through our scene a bunch of times by now, so I feel pretty good about it. There's only one line I'm struggling to keep straight, but Paige told me not to worry about it. "As long as the feeling is there, you'll be fine," she said when we met at the Riverside Cafe yesterday after school to go through our lines a few more times.

"For the auditions today," Mrs. Permala announces once everyone is in the audience for class, "we will view the scenes in the order they appear in the play."

Patti stands beside her with a clipboard and nods at this. She looks serious and professional with her hair pulled back into a ballerina's bun and her all black outfit.

"That means the first scene we will experience is our scene between Emma and Greg, or should I say Hermia and Lysander."

They stand up and perform the scene in which Hermia and Lysander plan to go into the woods, and Emma lights up the stage. She looks genuinely in love with this preppy boy and distraught that she can't be with him. If she doesn't get a big role in this play, I will be shocked.

The next scene called up that I'm impressed with is, of course, Moth's and Layla's. I hate that I'm supporting her, but Layla deserves a part in this play too. For their scene, she plays Titania and Moth plays Oberon as they argue about the changeling boy, and Layla exudes an arrogant regalness that makes sense for Titania. Meanwhile, Moth doesn't even seem like himself, instead he fully embraces Oberon's jealous entitlement perfectly. He's like a chameleon up there.

After another scene, it's Paige and my turn to perform.

"Remember, it's all about the emotion," Paige whispers to me as we walk onto the stage.

I take a deep breath to calm my nerves, but my heart still feels like it's buzzing with anxiety. There have been so many amazing auditions that it is very possible I won't be cast, and even though I haven't seen Thatcher perform yet--his scene comes after mine in the play--I know he will be cast in this one. He's too talented at reading Shakespeare not to be. What if I'm without Patti and then I'm the only one of my friends not on stage for this play?

Paige and I get into position, following the blocking she and I came up with yesterday during class, and after I am able to take in another deep breath, Mrs. Permala says, "Action."

I have the first line, but I'm suddenly very nervous. Like, stomach turning, feel like barfing, skin on fire, heart about to explode kind of nervous. And it occurs to me in this moment that I have never auditioned for anything ever. I was assigned to work with Thatcher on our 10 minute play, I was added into the Misfit Theater Company, I was selected by Grant O'Reilly to go on A Call from Midnight. The realization that everyone is actually judging me, because they have to, because that's the point of auditions, does something worse than nauseate me: it wipes my first line from my mind.

"Action," Mrs. Permala repeats.

What the heck do I say? I can't think of how the scene starts, and I feel my cheeks giving me away as they redden with heat.

I panic and widen my eyes at Paige as if to scream for help. Somehow she understands.

"Have you no modesty, no maiden shame, no touch of bashfulness?" she starts into her line that follows mine. "What, will you tear impatient answers from my gentle tongue? Fie, fie, you counterfeit, you puppet, you!"

Her speech shocks me back into the scene, and like suddenly remembering lyrics to a song after hearing the first chords, I know my next line.

"'Puppet'? Why so? Ay, that way goes the game," I finally say, and all my nerves begin to simmer. I can do this. I can audition. I can save this.

We continue the scene, and I do my best not to blow it. Or think about how I need to do well if I want to be in the show. Or forget to focus on the feelings behind the words too.

How does anyone audition ever?

Finally, Paige exits the scene as Helena, so it's my turn to deliver the final line. "I am amaz'd, and know not what to say," I say, really feeling it, because I'm so stunned by how badly I feel like I did that I can't speak.

"Scene," Paige announces from the edge of the stage to signal to everyone that we are done. Thank goodness, get me off this stage, I think.

Before Mrs. Permala can even say, "Thank you," I'm stepping off the stage, horrified that I just ruined my chances at being in this show. Patti is already not going to be involved in anything, and Moth did amazing. I'm sure Thatcher will be awesome too, so that leaves me. Alone. Off stage. Painting the set and making prop pieces while my friends rehearse and hang out and act. I want to cry.

Next up is Thatcher and Sean performing the scene that comes directly after ours, in which Oberon and Puck talk about how supremely Puck messed up the love potions and how they will fix it. Of course, they both are perfect. Sean is a stern but relatable fairy king, and Thatcher is a goofy and mischievous Puck. People laugh at the punch lines for them, when they didn't for me and Paige. That's all my fault.

I am going to be the only one of my friends who doesn't get a part in this show.

My only saving grace will be if Patti advocates for me to Mrs. Permala. I have to talk to Patti is all I can think once Mrs. Permala steps back on stage to address everyone about the audition process.

"Excellent work, my thespians," she says. "My assistant and I have a lot to contemplate as we formulate the cast list. Try not to fret, try not to worry. Remember that if you do not get cast in this play, there will be three others."

I feel like she is talking directly to me.

"The cast list will be posted by tomorrow at the start of class. On your way in, please check the wall outside the entrance to see if you'll be taking a turn acting in this play."

The bell rings.

"Thank you, you are dismissed," she says, and everyone starts to get their things together.

Paige turns to me where we are sitting before she stands up and says, "Nice job, Janie."

"I totally messed up out there. I'm not getting a part," I respond, getting up and walking out of the aisle toward the stairs. I feel so embarrassed, I just need to get out of here. No waiting for Thatcher or Moth or Patti, I just need to leave.

But before I can successfully make my escape, Thatcher catches up to me with his long legs. "Janie, wait up," he calls.

I can't just walk away from him, so I stop.

"Where are you going to so fast?" he asks. "Aside from math, which I know you're not trying to get to in a hurry."

"I sucked in there," I say, actually starting to tear up a bit. People from class are starting to catch up to us, so I pull him into a motion. "Let's keep walking. I hate math, but I do actually need to get there someday."

"So you forgot a line, everyone messes up now and then," he says. "You didn't suck."

"I'm not going to get a part in this play though, and you and Moth both will. Patti won't be here either, so I will be alone. I will be the only one not at rehearsals, making the set and props and stupid stuff like that."

"Moth and I aren't guaranteed parts either, no one is. Plus, it won't change anything if one of us isn't in the show. We will all still hang out. Remember, Ensemble is like one big Misfit Theater Company instead of our little one. Nothing will change."

I wish it were that easy, but I've seen what happens to friendships when people aren't doing similar things and hanging out. Just look at me and Gina. Granted, that was also largely due to the fact that Gina is toxic, but still. I don't want that to happen to us.

"We will see," I say. All I can do now is try not to worry myself too much until the cast list is posted tomorrow. Only twenty-three-ish hours more to go until I learn my fate.

***

The song I've posted with this has a swear word in it, so just a heads up. But this song is from my favorite "The Last Five Years" and it's about auditioning for musical theater and never getting call backs, which--if you've done musical theater--you have probably experienced at least once, haha. I know I have. Anyways, I hope you enjoyed Janie's realization that auditions suck, haha.