Chapter 38 ― Mila

I was torn. I missed Zayn so much it physically hurt. Two weeks without seeing him, without hearing his voice and I noticed it. I felt his absence. But at the same time I couldn’t see him because I was still hurt for what had happened. Every time someone asked me what had happened to my account and I had to explain to them, my chest hurt. The thought of that all my dreams and hard work had just disappeared into the nothingness was more painful than what I could handle. It made me want to crawl to my bed and stay there, crying over what I had lost.

Moni was with me all the time, telling me that everything was going to be fine, that I had just to stand up and start again. But I didn’t want to. I didn’t want to take the same risk again. I didn’t want to give them the opportunity to hurt me again. I just couldn’t it.

“But with not going back you’re giving them the satisfaction that they got to you,” Moni used to tell me but it was useless. I didn’t want to go back to post my stories online. I didn’t want to lose my work again. Of course I had the backup of my stories and I could post them all over again, but that wouldn’t give me back all the work I put to start posting them in the first place. Posting them again wouldn’t give me back all the hard work and time I spent doing that. The feeling of that lost was too much to handle and too hard to explain.

A part of me wanted to go back to Zayn and let him comfort me, to tell him that I knew he didn’t mean to hurt me and that I understood it; but my pride had been hurt with his actions. I couldn’t just ignore that part because I was proud. I couldn’t help it. It was a part of me.

I heard every time he knocked at the door and Moni asked him to leave because I didn’t want to see him. But it was more than that. I wasn’t ready to see him. Not yet, I needed time. And it pained me when I heard Moni closing the door knowing he had gone away again.

Since the moment I closed the door of my life at him and refused to see him and talk about this, I realised how much I needed him in my life. I just noticed how much he meant to me. I always thought that I cared about him a lot, that I enjoyed being with him and I was happy; but it was more than that and I just had failed at noticing how much he meant to me. I really loved him and not having him hurt as much as having him close in that moment.

I needed him there, next to me yet at the same time I couldn’t stand the thought of seeing him.

I didn’t know what to do and there were moments when I felt so divided that I could barely move. I didn’t know what to do, I would lie on my bed not knowing how to proceed or think.

I wasn’t sure what day it was, as I hadn’t gone to Uni in the last two weeks. Moni brought me all my assignments and notes but I couldn’t care less. I knew exams were getting closer and I had to start studying, but I couldn’t find the motivation to do something. I was in one of my dark holes.

“Mila, how you feeling, love?” Moni asked walking in my room and sitting next to me in my bed. I just groaned as a response. “Mila, you need to leave this place. You can’t stay here. You’re stronger than this,” she told me and I knew she was dead worried, but I couldn’t find the strengths to move.

“I wanna stay here forever. My bed won’t hack and delete my account,” I mumbled with a small voice and I heard Moni sighing.

“You can’t hide from the world for what one person did,” she reasoned and I groaned again. “C’mon, Mila. Let’s go out to grab some coffee. You’ll feel better.”

“I don’t wanna,” I complained like a stubborn little girl. Moni was about to say something but she got a message and quickly she stood up without explaining anything.

Curious for what had caused that reaction, I left my bed and went after her. The brunette was in front of her computer and I saw how her expression darkening slowly. “I’m gonna kill this bitch,” she said between gritted teeth.

“What happened?” I asked walking in, trying to see what was happening. Moni’s expression was something to be scared of.

“This bitch here is posting your stories and claiming that she wrote them! I bet she’s the same whore who closed your account! And look, there’re people telling her that this story it’s not hers and she’s still lying! Argh, look! ‘Show me proof that this story belongs to another person.’ That’s what she’s saying. Oh, I’m so gonna kill her!” She ranted off but I was in shock looking at the screen not believing what was happening.

Someone had stolen one of my stories, again, and she was shamelessly posting them. Lying about it.

Why? Why these kinds of things had to happen to me? What did I do to deserve this? It wasn’t fair.

I lost balance and I was about to hit the floor when Moni caught me on time. She held me tight and rocked me softly, whispering words that I couldn’t understand. My mind was blank, my body was numb and all I could see was the website where one of my stories was being posted by another person.

I had to be cursed or something. This couldn’t happen to a person so many times without a reason and a curse was all the explanation I could find for this.

“Why, Moni? Why is this happening to me again?” I asked my best friend in a whisper and she hugged me tighter.

“I dunno. It’s not fair and I swear if I find that girl, I will make her regret what she’s done for the rest of her life,” she promised and I hid my face in the crock of her shoulder. Just then I started crying softly and quietly.

This had happened to me a couple of times before. On the Internet, in a contest where my story got published in a real book but under another person’s name… and now this. Was I doomed to repeat this over and over again every time I tried to share my writing?

The bell rang and Moni cursed under her breath but she didn’t move; yet the bell kept ringing and she got tired. “Be right back, Mila,” she promised standing up because in a moment we ended up both on the floor. I nodded with my head down.

Soon, I heard her screaming.

“Go away before I kill you now!” She yelled so loud I jerked away. “I swear if I see your face again… oh, no one would recognise you after I finish with you. Go. Away. Now,” she added and soon I heard his voice. I didn’t know how I was capable because he didn’t say much nor he did it loud enough, but I did and my heart skipped a beat. “GO!” She screamed one more time and soon I heard the door closing.

Zayn had been there, a couple of feet away and a part of me wanted to run to him and another part of me wanted to punch him with all my strength. This was in part his fault but even when I knew this, I couldn’t fully blame it on him. That would be easy, to have a face to hate on. But I couldn’t hate him because I loved him too much.

By when Moni came back, I was full crying, sobbing and hiccupping like a baby. Everything hurt. Everything. Not having Zayn. Knowing that he was trying to get to me. Knowing that it was his fault that we were in this point. That someone had hacked me. That someone was taking credit over what I did. Everything.

Moni rushed to hug me and in her arms I cried even harder.

+ + + + +

I was in my bed and I had slept the whole day. My head hurt so much when I opened my eyes and Moni was there with me when I did, handing me some pills and water to drink them. “How you feeling, Mila?” She asked concerned.

“Headache,” was all what I said and she nodded.

“I thought so. Um… there’s someone who wants to see you. I couldn’t make him leave and I thought you might want to see him. He’s stubborn, did you know?” She trailed off and I smiled. I knew it couldn’t be Zayn, she would have never let him in.

“Mila,” a deep voice said and I looked up to see Harry walking in my room. “Oh God… you okay?” He asked rushing next to me and for the same time, Moni didn’t say anything about it.

“Just a little headache,” I told him but I knew he didn’t believe me. Good, because I was lying. I felt like real shit.

“You’re a terrible liar,” he said passing his arm around my shoulders and pulling me close. “I’ve been sick worried and you don’t pick up your phone.”

“Sorry,” I mumbled cuddling next to him. “I didn’t feel like talking,” I explained. I didn’t feel like doing anything. Period.

“Moni told me what happened yesterday. I’m so sorry, Mila. But we can do something, I’m sure,” he said rubbing my arms softly.

“Yeah,” Moni added. “You’ve been sleeping so I haven’t been able to tell you. I keep your stories registered. All your stories have copyright, even the ones in process. I did this just in case something like this happened so we can take that girl down. And I’m sure Alex can track her IP. She won’t get what she wants, Mila. We can stop her,” she carried on and I looked at her impressed. I didn’t know she was doing that with my stories.

“Did you really do that?” I asked her and she nodded with a wide smile.

“Of course. I will always protect you and all you care about,” she replied and I set free from Harry’s hug to throw myself to her arms. “Everything’s gonna be fine. We can’t get your account back, but no one will steal what it’s yours. I won’t allow it.”

“Thank you so much!” I said between sobs.

“It’s okay. Now, Harry: take care of her whilst I go for tea and cookies. Yes, I cooked for you, Mila,” said my friend slowly pulling away. Soon I was dragged to masculine arms and saw her leave the room.

“Things will be fine, Mila, but you need to do something, too. You can’t stay here and pretend the rest of the world doesn’t exist. You have to go to Uni, you have to face your other responsibilities,” Harry told me.

“I know,” I replied with a sigh. I knew I couldn’t hide in my room forever, no matter how tempting that sounded. I had responsibilities; I had a life beyond my writing. Yes, that was one of the most important things for me, but it wasn’t the only one and I couldn’t let it become that.

“Promise me you’re gonna leave this room and do something about it, will you?” He asked me and I remained in silence for a couple of seconds before nodding.

“I promise,” I finally said and he hugged me tighter. “Harry, I need to ask you something.”

“Sure,” he replied.

“How’s Zayn doing?” I inquired and saying his name out loud hurt.

The curly-haired boy breathed in deeply before saying something. “He’s not better than you are. He’s not himself anymore and I know he’s desperate because he doesn’t know what to do about it. I haven’t talked to him exactly, but I can see it.”

“May I ask you a favour?” He nodded. “Take care of him. No matter what happened between us, I still care about him and I don’t want him to suffer. Please, Harry.”

He looked at me in the eyes for a couple of seconds before nodding. I smiled gratefully. I felt like everything between Zayn and I was broken already, but I didn’t want him to suffer how I was suffering. I couldn’t be at ease with myself knowing that he was in pain for all what had happened between us. Even if we never got back together, I wanted him to be fine. I loved him, after all.

-:-:-:-

Dedication goes to @5lifesavers because I loved her comment and the passion she feels when reading.

Bel, xx