Chapter 36 ― Mila

I needed to breathe and clear my mind, but it was hard when all I could think was how everything I had done so far was over. I understood he didn’t do it on purpose, he didn’t meant to hurt me the way he did, but anyways he betrayed me somehow. I told him oh so many times to not say anything about my writing, to let me write my own destiny in that matter, but he forgot about that on live television. The one thing that was really important to me, my biggest dream. He just forgot about that. I couldn’t just ignore what his mistake meant.

It hurt.

I felt betrayed yet at the same time I had a voice inside of me telling me that I couldn’t be so hard on him, but I had this other voice, the voice that looked after me kept telling me that what he did was serious. And it was. It meant so many things and affected those truly important matters in my life.

My writing was something no one could mess with.

Moni was about to kill someone, probably Zayn, whilst I kept looking at the screen in complete shock, still struggling to know what to do. I felt suffocated and I felt like a panic attack was getting closer. I needed air, I needed space to think.

I heard my friend talking, but I wasn’t really paying attention. My mind was a complete chaos and suddenly, things started to spin. I wanted to run, I wanted to run as far away as possible. Before things could get worse, I felt strong arms around me holding me tightly. I focused only on that, on the real things, on what was immediately happening and I forgot about the consequences of Zayn’s acts. At least for a little bit, until I could breathe normally again.

I didn’t know how long it took me until I could feel like myself again, until my mind was clear and I could see the rest of the room. Moni was still holding me and in all that time she hadn’t said anything, knowing how to handle that kind of situation with me. It hadn’t been a proper panic attack, but I had been damn close.

“I’m okay now,” I told Moni so she could loosen up her hold on me.

She looked at me in the eyes, trying to see if I was really okay and only when she was convinced I wasn’t going to freak out, she smiled at me and loosened up her arms around me. “Wanna talk?” She asked me softly and I shook my head. I needed to work things out in my mind first before speaking out. “That’s okay. I’ll be here. I won’t let anyone bother you,” she promised and I kissed her cheek and hugged her back.

“Let’s go smoking outside, please,” I asked her and she nodded because she knew I could think straight with a cigarette in my hand.

We went to the balcony and I lit up my cigarette and just with the first drag I felt immediately a bit better and with my mind clearer.

The fact was that now every single fan of One Direction knew that Zayn’s girlfriend was a writer, therefore I was going to gain many readers but most of them were only going to read my stories because I was with Zayn, not because what I could actually write. Before that there were a few who knew I wrote, but now everyone knew it.

Due to the same, I was going to get tons of unjustified hatred. They were going to attack my writing, something it had nothing to do with Zayn, just because I was his girlfriend. I could take hatred, I could totally ignore them and even laugh at them… but when it came to my writing it was different. I was already very insecure about everything I wrote and if I suddenly got millions of girls telling me I didn’t know how to write, that I was terrible and I should just die— at some point those words were going to get to me.

I wanted real readers, people who would really stay with me because they enjoyed what I could do. I didn’t want people reading my fanfics only because whom I was with. I never wanted that, I hated the idea, but that was what I was going to get because of Zayn’s mistake.

I couldn’t just ignore what he had done. The fact the he forgot about our conversations during an interview meant I couldn’t trust him as much as I thought I could. I believed he was going to protect me, I thought we had left that clear. He could have said so many other things, he didn’t have to mention I wrote stories; nevertheless he did it and there was no coming back.

Suddenly, my future as a writer seemed black and impossible. My destiny was tinted by this. Even if I wasn’t with Zayn anymore in the future, this was going to haunt me forever. If I got to publish something on my own, without Zayn’s help —voluntary or involuntary, it didn’t matter—, it wasn’t going to be the same and less people would accept me for my talent. They were always going to associate my name with Zayn’s.

“Why?” I asked Moni in a whisper. She hadn’t say anything, she just looked at me whilst I smoked my cigarette. “I thought he knew this was important to me. Why didn’t he think more carefully before talking?”

“Boys are stupid,” she said with a smile trying to light up the mood but I couldn’t smile back. What hurt me the most was that I felt betrayed.

Trust was a very important and delicate topic in my life. It wasn’t something I randomly gave away. Only a few people in this world could say they had my trust, and Zayn was one of them. Until that interview. How could I trust again in him after that? What could tell me that he wasn’t going to do something like that again? I couldn’t take the risk again. It was too important.

“It’s going to be fine. I bet everything will turn up for the better,” Moni ventured but I knew she didn’t believe it. She was telling me the opposite of what I was thinking just to create equilibrium. That was the way she worked, the way she was. Always trying to make things even.

“He forgot about everything I told him. No matter how things turn out, nothing will change that,” I said feeling my chest heavier and like someone had just stabbed me.

“I’m mad at him, you can’t imagine how much I want to break his face and cut his fucking hair. Probably I should tattoo him with the words ‘I’m a fucktard’. However, Mila, everyone makes mistakes. All of us are stupid sometimes and we know he didn’t mean it,” she reasoned and I wanted to laugh at the mental image of my best friend tattooing Zayn’s forehead.

“For now I can’t just ignore what happened,” I said looking down at my feet. “It will take a while for me to leave this behind. I will, I eventually will… but not now.”

“I know, that’s why I didn’t let him talk to you now. And I won’t let him get near you until you’re ready to have that conversation,” the brunette promised me and I smiled gratefully. Moni was one of the people I trusted the most and if she said she wasn’t going to let Zayn get close until I was ready, I believed her. She was going to keep her word even if it meant to start World War III.

We stayed there and Moni distracted me talking about anything that wasn’t connected to Zayn. So she talked about Zac Efron and how excited she was for his new movie. We talked about Catching Fire and how we were dying to watch that movie. We talked about Thor and Loki and the Avengers. She even let me rant about football and I explained to her so many things that she would forget the next day. We basically talked about anything we could think of that didn’t remind us of the boys, even though Zayn was still in some part of my mind and the pain was still in my chest, making it harder for my heart to beat.

Later, Moni received an email asking her to pick up her phone. Soon, she answered a call that I assumed it wasn’t Zayn. She just sent all his calls to the voice mail. “Hi there, Phebs!” Moni answered cheerfully as our last topic had been cupcakes and that always left her in a good mood. “Yeah, she’s better now. Thanks for—” she didn’t finish the sentence as her eyes widened whilst she listened to what Phoebe was telling her.

I started to get anxious. I couldn’t hear what Phebs was saying, but considering Moni’s expression, it couldn’t be something good.

Oh, no more bad news, please! I begged to no one in particular. I just didn’t want anything else that day. I wasn’t sure I could take it.

But, of course, my wishes weren’t heard.

Moni looked at me with panic written all over her face, her eyes were darker with concern and her hand tried to reach me instinctively which could only mean that what it was wrong had to do with me.

I took her hand as I heard her answer. “It wasn’t her, Phebs. I swear. I would know. Plus, she hasn’t touched Darcy in the whole day.” I wondered what had happened that had to do with Darcy, my laptop. “It’s okay. I’ll see what we can do. Thanks for letting us know. I’ll call you later.”

Moni hung up and her expression darkened. It was something bad, I could feel it and I was utterly scared. I couldn’t think what it could be worse than what had happened already, but when you couldn’t think of anything worse, life always surprised you.

“Mila,” Moni started squeezing my hand as my heart started to beat faster and faster. “I’m so sorry. Phebs called me and told me that your profile on Fanfiction has been deleted.”

And she dropped the bomb.

“What?” I asked almost without voice, lower than a whisper, almost like an inspiration.

“I’m so sorry!” She hugged me not caring with being soft with me. “I’m so sorry. I swear I’m gonna kill whoever hacked your account.”

And finally those words sank in my mind and I understood what had happened and that conversation between Moni and Phebs.

Someone had hacked me. Someone had deleted my account and with it, all my stories, all my work during the last couple of years. In a matter of minutes, everything was gone. And the culprit was obvious. She or he might not have a face or a name, but that person had a label: fan.

It had been a fan of Zayn, one of those crazy and obsessive fans. One of those teenagers who wasn’t really a fan but one stupid and immature little brat. One of those who put all the real fans in a bad place. One of those had hacked my account, had destroyed my little world and with it… part of my very soul.

I lost my strengths and I let Moni to take care of my weight because I couldn’t do it myself. I felt like screaming inside, like every single cell of my body was crying out desperately, begging for help that no one could give me. I held onto my friend for dear life because if I didn’t do so, I was going to fall to the ground into million pieces.

My eyes started to burn with all the tears and I wanted to shed but I couldn’t in that moment. I was overcome by emotions and I couldn’t start to sort them out. I couldn’t do anything. I was numb. I was shocked. I was desperate… I was devastated.

In that moment, everything seemed dark and lost. All hopes, all dreams. Everything I wanted to achieve was impossible now. I couldn’t think of anything else but of what I lost. I couldn’t even consider how to regain everything again. I could only see what I didn’t have anymore, I could only think of what it had gone away because someone decided that they could hate me for whom I was with.

There, in Moni’s arms, with the news still being processed in my mind, all I could think of was: my writing career is over because Zayn couldn’t shut up.

-:-:-:-

I know many of you are really worried for Zila's future, but don't be. I promise a happy ending, but before that, there's gonna be a lot of pain and tears. But thy love each other, never foget that. They took time to really get together because they needed solid ground for this moment.  I always planned it like that.

Dedication goes to @Cheriesophie because I'm a terrible person and I forgot her birthday yesterday T_____T Forgive me, Sophie!! Please!!

Bel, xx