Chapter 13 ― Zayn 

Was it too much asking for someone to like me better? Was it too much wanting to be special for someone? I didn’t think so but it seemed like it was. It always was. I knew I couldn’t have Alex but I wanted someone to look at me like she looked at Niall, or someone to smile at me like Belle smiled at Dan or someone like Phebs whose features used to soften when she thought of Liam. But instead of that, I had someone who could barely stand me and who forced herself to be nice, someone who clearly preferred Harry and Liam over me.

Yes, Mila was being nice at the airport before we had to go, but it was clear that the smiles she gave me weren’t as honest or as bright as the ones she gave to Harry, for instance. I wasn’t saying that I wanted Mila to have a crush on me or something similar, I just wanted someone to like me better and it would be great if it was her, someone as honest as her, someone as different as her, someone so independent as her, someone who could see the real me; but she didn’t like the real me she could see. I knew, I perfectly knew, she could see under the façade I showed to the world, for some reason, she could really see me. She did from the first time, she could see how much I wanted Alex without me saying a thing.

Was I jealous of Harry and Liam who seemed to be so close to Mila? Hell yes I was. I couldn’t help it and I couldn’t lie to myself saying that I wasn’t. That bitterness running through my veins was the same that did every time I saw Niall and Alex together during the tour. I wanted to hug Mila so easily as Liam did. I wanted to laugh with her as Harry did, I wanted to call her and talk to her every day like Harry did. I wanted to be her friend.

Did I want something more? Maybe. I wasn’t sure yet, I just knew I didn’t want her to dislike me.

“You okay, mate? You look down...” Niall asked me, in his hands a big bag of crisps.

I looked at the blond and tried to smile. We were in our way to America for a month and we hadn’t been two hours there yet and I already wanted to go back. I wanted the holidays to come now. It was the first time I wasn’t excited about going to America and I couldn’t stop wondering if it was because of Mila. How much was she affecting me? Why couldn’t I just stop thinking of her?

“Yeah, I was just thinking,” I replied and he narrowed his eyes a bit like trying to see more than what I was showing. He finally sat next to me and I smiled thinking that Liam was going to have to switch seats even if he didn’t want to.

“What were you thinking of?” He asked again and right after he filled his mouth with crisps. “Or should I say whom? I saw you talking to Mila.” He raised an eyebrow and smiled goofily. I immediately felt uncomfortable because I didn’t like people asking me about whom I was thinking of when I wasn’t quite sure about my feelings towards that person. In this case: Mila.

“Seriously, it doesn’t matter,” I insisted but I knew Niall didn’t buy it.

“Do you fancy Mila? I’m asking you this seriously. I won’t tell the lads, I just wanna know,” he said and this time I knew he was being serious but I also understood the real question behind those words. He wanted to know if I finally had moved on from Alex. He wanted to know if I still had feelings for his girlfriend.

Did I still have feelings for Alex? Yes, of course I had. You couldn’t just forget about a person in a matter of days. The difference was in the intensity of my feelings for her. It wasn’t Alex who was on my mind all the time anymore, though I still wanted her, it wasn’t the same anymore and probably it was because of Mila, because now this shorter girl was invading my head.

“Honestly, I don’t know,” I answered looking down at my hands on my lap. “I think of her constantly but I don’t know if it is because I fancy her or because I can’t get over the fact she doesn’t like me. I don’t know if it is a pride thing or something else.”

It could be my wounded pride because one of the things I thought the most was why she didn’t like me and what I could do to change that. I didn’t know if I thought of that because I wanted Mila to like me or because I couldn’t stand someone to dislike me. But I wasn’t that vain, I couldn’t be. If I was, then Mila had all the right to hate me. I would hate me too.

“You know what Alex thinks? ‘Cos she talks about you both a lot lately,” he commented with an amused smile, like he always did when talking about Alex. Even if I wanted to be with Alex, she was better with Niall, she made him so ridiculously happy and I wanted my best mate happy.

“What?” I inquired smiling, too.

“She told me why she set you up with Mila. First off, she loves her and says Mila is a great girl, but she also says that Mila is what you exactly need. I’m not sure about that and when I asked what she meant, she just said that she knew better and that I had to trust her because she could see something I couldn’t. Sometimes Alex likes to speak in riddles and she confuses me,” he mused and I chuckled slightly. I didn’t think that was something strictly related to Alex, I thought all women liked to speak in riddles to confuse us men.

I couldn’t stop wondering what Alex saw and why she believed Mila was what I needed. But it kind of relieved me that she set us up in that blind that because she truly believe we could be together and not just because she pitied me and wanted me to meet someone to forget about her.

“Not only you, mate. She confuses me too! Now, how am I supposed to know what she meant with that? Why would Mila be what I need?” I told Niall with my own smile.

The blond laughed as he ate more crisps. “Maybe we’ll know soon, right? After all, we’re gonna spend holidays with Mila, too, and maybe we can make Alex talk.”

And right there I wanted again, even more, these four weeks to fly by. I wanted to be at Harry’s bungalow already.

+ + + + +

“That was bloody amazing!” Louis yelled as we all got into the tour bus and I had to admit it, it had been an incredible gig that night.

We had been in America for over three weeks, a few gigs in some cities but what we did the most was interviews and it had been great so far, but I still wanted to go back home.

I threw myself to the booth in the little kitchen the bus had and next to me Harry was sat with his iPhone in his hands, texting and I wanted to see if he was talking to Mila, but that would be very insensitive of him considering the time difference. “Whom are you texting, Hazza?” Liam asked and I thanked him mentally for inquired what I wanted to know.

“Mila,” he replied and we all opened our eyes.

“Shouldn’t she be sleeping right now?” Niall asked checking his watch. It was the reason why he wasn’t calling Alex.

“Should is the key word. But she’s studying for a final and told me that she wasn’t sleeping tonight so I was allowed to text her in order to help her to stay awake,” the curly-haired boy explained. “She says she looks like a zombie and that Moni is mumbling ‘brains, brains’ and she’s getting scared,” he added later laughing. Even I laughed at that, imagining the brunette acting like a zombie just to freak Mila out.

Suddenly I heard the characteristic sound of a camera taking a picture and saw Harry chuckling. “And now she can see how sweaty we are after the gig,” he explained and I wanted to throw something at him. We looked disgusting. “She said we need to take a shower,” he kept informing and I wondered why he was doing that. “And thank Loki she’s not here ‘cos she doesn’t wanna know how bad we smell.” Niall sniffed his armpit and winced.

“Thank Loki,” the blond mumbled before heading to the bathroom leaving a chuckling Liam behind.

Harry stood up without saying anything and soon he came back with his laptop that he opened. “Skype,” was the only thing he said and I just stayed there, next to him watching as he logged onto Skype and called Mila. I didn’t know they talked over Skype, as well.

I couldn’t help that bitterness bubbling in my blood again, jealous of the closeness they had developed even when we were in another country.

Soon her picture changed and I could see her, black bags under her eyes, her hair falling down with almost non-existent curls and a tired smile on her face. “Hi there, Mr Styles,” she said before noticing I was next to Harry. “Oh, Zayn… long time no see, uh? How are you?” Her smile was honest and she didn’t seem like she wanted me out of her video-call with Harry, but maybe that was because she was too tired.

“Not as tired as you, it seems,” I replied and she laughed humourlessly. “You okay?”

“I’ve been studying too much, but I’m almost done. I’ll sleep all this winter break, I swear!”

“Oh no you won’t! You will get rest but we’re gonna do so many other things and you need to be awake for most of them,” Harry interrupted and Mila looked at him raising one eyebrow.

“Most of them? Harry, what do you mean with that?” She questioned and I wanted to know as well.

“You’ll know,” he winked. “Soon we’ll be back and we’re gonna have fun in my house. It’s gonna be your best holidays, I promise.”

“I hope so. I’m really tired.” And I believed her, she really seemed like she could fall asleep any moment and I felt this urge to go there, hug her and lull her until she’d fall asleep and then carry her to her bed and then staying up all night, looking after her. I felt like I needed to protect her even when I knew she could take perfectly care of herself.

“Don’t worry, it’s almost over. You can do it!” Harry supported and I smiled, trying to send her good vibes, too.

“Go Mila!” Liam shouted joining us in the video-call. “You can do it, you can do it,” he chanted and Harry started singing too. At then end, I joined as well and I saw Mila blushing and smiling shyly.

“Thanks,” she said and she looked embarrassed but at the same time so glad and I smiled proud of myself. “You three will be the first to know my grade,” she promised.

“Oi! I’m the one who always knows first your grade!” We heard someone yelling at he back. That had to be Moni. “You’re changing me for hot boys! Not fair! It’s not my fault I was born woman!” And we cracked up laughing at that comment right before Moni appeared on the screen hugging Mila and faking crying. “Why, Mila, why? I thought you loved me the most!”

“Excuse my friend. She acts crazier when she’s sleep-deprived,” Mila said laughing and hugging back the brunette. “Of course I love you the most, Moni. No hot boy could change that.”

Maybe it was silly of me, but I smiled widely when I heard her calling us hot boys. She didn’t tell me that, but it was implicit.

“Oh God, we need this winter break urgently,” Mila commented looking at us on the screen.

“It’s gonna be over soon,” Liam promised. “The term is almost over, you both can do it.”

“And with the end of the term, we are coming back!” Harry exclaimed excitedly. “Don’t miss us too much.”

“I promise nothing,” she added still laughing with Moni still hiding her face in her chest. Maybe she fell asleep.

Whilst watching them on the screen, I just realised of how much I wanted to be back home.

-:-:-:-

Shout out and dedication for @heyimtyani because she's a really good and dedicated reader.

Bel, xx