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MISADVENTURES IN PARADISE
ix. LOVE AND GRIEF

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   RILEY REALLY HATED LOSING. She figured that was a normal thing. No one wants to lose. But for her, she didn't just hate it. She loathed it, despised it with every fiber of her being. Losing was so... taboo to her. All she ever did was train and fight and study and work. She was brought up from nothing by the finest and sharpest of agents, killers, and leaders. They bred a machine out of the girl. There was no room in her life to lose. Ever. Everything she did, she did it with the intention of doing it flawlessly.

   Every fight, every argument, every experiment, every invention, every war. She hated losing. She refused it. She refused to be anything but perfect.

   She succeeded for a while. Right until she discovered that among the metal of her machine-like exterior, her heart was beating fast and strong. She was still soft on the inside. And with every beat of her tender heart, the stakes climbed higher and higher.

   Ever since the Sokovia Accords, the stakes seemed impossible to keep up with, but Riley did her best. It was all for the people. It was always for the people.

   But what about her? Who was fighting for her? If she was the sun for everyone else, then who would be hers? It seemed these days, she was more concerned about everyone other than herself.

   Despite winning the battle against Westview, Riley still felt like she lost.

   Vision. Pietro. Billy. Tommy. Wanda.

   She lost all of them.

   Winning used to be so simple. Everyone was on the same team, working toward the same goal, fighting the same battles. When did winning become so... complicated? Sometimes, it felt like winning and losing were two sides of the same coin. Another scar on our hands, another nightmare, another thing to talk about behind closed doors. It was too bittersweet for the girl of sunshine.

   Was it foolish of her to wish she could go back in time and just... start over?

   She knew this was for the best. The people of Westview didn't deserve to bear Wanda's torture. They deserved freedom, and Riley would never think otherwise. But she already missed the days spent with the Maximoffs in Westview. The Westview Anomaly should never have happened, and Riley knew that, but... it was nice pretending all was well in the world made of Wanda's love and grief.

   Riley feared the future would always be like this. Uncertain. Fleeting. Bittersweet. Life demanded to keep moving forward. It dragged her with it, no matter how hard she refused.

   But life was always like this. The world always turned against her will. It always would.

   Once Wanda vanished, Riley spent the following hours debriefing with S.W.O.R.D. and the FBI. It was grueling, but she was grateful for the distraction.

   Loose ends were soon tied up. Hayward was arrested for tampering with evidence and his crimes against Vision's corpse and Wanda. Monica seemed to display unusual side effects from traveling back and forth through the Hex so many times. Even though Riley could sense the energy coursing through her body, she tried not to think too much about it. On the other hand, Jimmy earned a well-deserved promotion for his hard work. As for Darcy, she fled Westview when no one was paying attention (after she ran over Hayward with a van, which Riley was extremely disappointed to have missed). According to her, "debriefing is for the weak."

   Although their wounds had already healed, thanks to their abilities, Riley and Roman were sent off for a wellness checkup. S.W.O.R.D. wanted to examine potential side-effects from exposure to the Hex, which meant they had to sit through being poked and probed with needles and things of the like. It was the last thing Riley wanted to do.

   "How can you take a million punches to the face, but you can't handle this?" Roman teased, watching her squirm.

   "At least I can take a punch!" Riley irritably fired back. "I punched you once, and you whined about it for the rest of the day!"

   "That was not once."

   "Are you gonna cry?" she taunted.

   "Maybe," said Roman. "Why? Do you want me to? You like seeing little boys cry?"

   "You're an idiot," she said as the medics finally stepped away. "And you're not little. If you were, I might actually feel bad about beating you up again."

   "You didn't— Okay, maybe you beat me up. But I didn't have full control of myself. Doesn't count." He watched as she stood up. "What are you doing?"

   "I'm gonna beat you up again—"

   As she spoke, an agent joined them.

   "I'm sorry, I don't mean to intrude. Valor, I've been assigned to report to you," the agent greeted, holding up her badge. "We're working on a report to pass along to the media to inform the public on the Westview Anomaly. If you could just sign off on this list..."

   She handed Riley a clipboard. The papers stacked upon it described an outline of information the news would later relay to the public. Riley supposed it made sense that they were gathering information so quickly. An entire town being held captive by an Avenger wasn't something they could keep under wraps, after all.

   The notes weren't too extravagant, just a simple list of different subjects about the case. Under each subject was a longer description with more details. There was information regarding Hayward, the captivity of Westview, Wanda, and Vision. Roman and Valor were mentioned, too, as well as several notable agents who aided in the case. Riley held her breath when she reached the final subject on the list:

THE DEATH OF PIETRO "QUICKSILVER" MAXIMOFF

   Riley didn't know how long she stared at that clipboard, reading those words over and over again. Being reminded of reality after seeing Pietro again (albeit, a fake Pietro) re-opened a not-so-old wound. Riley felt like her smile had been stolen all over again.

   But Pietro had been dead for weeks now.

   The public had the right to know of his sacrifice. Pietro deserved to be honored, glorified, loved. It was time for the truth to come out. It was the only way they could move on.

   With a shaky hand, Riley signed the papers.

   She didn't speak for the rest of the afternoon.

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   Peter wasn't used to worrying this much.

   It wasn't like he'd never worried about anything before. Even with the typical superhero problems, he was still a teenage boy. He dealt with bullies and crushes and high school like any other person. He knew stress like the back of his hand. But despite this, he was pretty sure he never worried this much until recently.

   Yes, Peter was worried about Riley.

   Again.

   It'd been days since he last heard from her. Complete radio silence. He knew she was busy working on some big case in New Jersey (which he knew almost nothing about), and he also knew she was more than capable of handling things by herself. But he was still worried — especially when he turned on the news one night to discover Pietro Maximoff was dead.

   The anchorman on his TV had been going on about something that happened in a small town called Westview, New Jersey. That was the only reason why Peter was paying attention in the first place. He figured maybe he'd hear something about the case Riley was working on. He certainly wasn't expecting to hear a report announcing Pietro's death.

   Peter hadn't known Pietro very well. They spoke briefly during the whole Accords situation, as they'd both been on Team Iron Man, but nonetheless, the announcement made Peter's stomach turn.

   All of that joy Peter felt since summer camp ended suddenly felt... wrong. How could this have happened? How long had the others known about this?

   Cluttered thoughts overtook Peter's mind, and soon, Riley took the center of those thoughts. Why didn't anyone tell him? Why didn't she tell him? He reached for his phone. That was when the footage of the anchorman switched to a recording of Valor.

   "I'm sure you're all tired of hearing new announcements from the Avengers. Believe me, I'd like a break from giving them so often," said Riley. "I'm sure you all know by now that Pietro Maximoff, otherwise known as Quicksilver, is... um..." She hesitated. "Pietro is no longer with us."

   The recording was old, maybe a bit after camp. Peter could see it in her face. Her eyes were solemn, deprived of their usual light, tinged with red, and the smile he'd gotten used to seeing every day was replaced with a frown.

   Her announcement was followed by a short speech, where she encouraged the public to honor Pietro's life and to never forget his sacrifice.

   She had been in the middle of her speech when Peter heard a knock on his bedroom window. It was quiet, a hardly audible knock-knock! It was so gentle that Peter wasn't even sure if he heard it at first. But then it came again, this time more aggressively, more frantically.

   Peter jumped to his feet, his attention split between the window and the TV. He quickly opened it, not realizing who it was until the light from his bedroom struck her face.

   "Riley?" Peter greeted, surprised. "Aren't you supposed to be—?"

   "Can I come in?" Riley quietly asked. Her eyebrows were furrowed, and her lower lip was trembling. Her face was wet, too.

   "Are you okay—?"

   "Please?"

   Peter nodded, offering a hand to help her step into the quaint apartment. But once she took his hand, she didn't let go. Instead, she threw herself into his arms, tears streaking her cheeks again.

   "I-I can't stop crying," she whimpered. She squeezed him tightly and buried her face into his chest. "I can't make it stop."

   Peter didn't know what to say at first. Thankfully, his body moved instinctively. He held her close, rubbing her back gently.

   "It's... It's okay. I'm here."

   Riley pulled away. "I'm sorry. I don't even know why I came here. I'm, um, I'm supposed to be in Westview. Roman told me I should... I should get some air. So I decided to fly for a bit, but I just... I started thinking, and... now I'm here, in the middle of the night— Did I wake you up? Sorry—"

   "Don't apologize," he said, sitting her down on his bed. He carefully cupped her cheek, thumbing away her tears. "I was already up. I, uh, saw you on the news."

   Riley's eyes flickered to the small TV, where the recording of her was still playing. She rolled her eyes at it, which was enough for Peter to turn it off.

   "That stupid speech," she mumbled, trying to blink away her tears. "He's gone, Pete. I didn't even get to say goodbye. I never get to say goodbye. He's gone. Everyone's gone. They always leave."

   "That's not true," Peter gently said.

   "No, it is," she argued. "Vision, then Pietro, Billy and Tommy, and Wanda. Even Nat's gone. And Steve and Thor. And... And even... I don't know. I don't know. I lost Roman once. I lost you once. I even lost my birth dad! I lose everyone. I find them, and then I lose them. No matter what I do, I keep losing people."

   The more he listened to her, the less tangled his thoughts became. Her voice often did that to him. It made things make sense. It cleared the skies and paved paths.

   Riley sharply inhaled, trying to steady her voice. "I can't handle loss, Pete. It's not in my nature to lose. It's like... like I'm not programmed for it," she went on. "Y'know, I've seen a lot of death in my life, but I never really knew those agents. The first death that really hurt me was this agent I grew up knowing — Phil Coulson. He was... He was really nice. You would've liked him. And then there was Roman. And then there wasn't any death for a while. A long while. And I let myself get attached to everyone, which I was never supposed to do, and now, any time something happens to them, I-I panic. It feels like someone's always getting hurt or kidnapped or vanishing or dying—"

   "Riley, hey, stop," he tried to say.

   "I can't keep losing people, Pete. I think it might kill me," she kept going. "I can barely sleep at night knowing my family's going to be okay, but what about everyone else? What about you? What am I supposed to do if I lose you, too? I can't lose you again."

   "I'm not going anywhere," Peter insisted. "You're not losing me."

   "How do you know that? How am I supposed to calm down knowing that I could lose you tomorrow?"

   "You're not thinking clearly."

   "That's the problem. I am," Riley swore. "I have been thinking about this since the day they told me Pietro died. It's all I think about! Pietro wasn't supposed to die. Vision wasn't supposed to die. No one was supposed to die or leave! Everyone keeps leaving!"

   Peter hated the way she was looking at him, so wounded and fragile. Carefully, he asked, "Riley... What happened in New Jersey?"

   Riley squeezed her eyes shut. "Please don't judge me if I start crying again. I hate it. It's really gross."

   Peter didn't know how she had it in her to make a joke at a time like this. Maybe it was just a coping mechanism of hers. Nonetheless, he held up his pinky, looping it with hers.

   She told him everything — from Pietro's death to Roman's kidnapping to the attack on Westview. It took a while, but she told him everything. And he listened. He listened as she backtracked twice because she kept getting tongue-tied. He listened as she stumbled over her words. He listened when she would pause to steady her breathing, which he ended up coaching her through a few times. He listened when she would ask to take a break in telling him the story because she just needed a hug. She told him everything, and he listened.

   Peter tried to keep it in, but he was almost overwhelmed with frustration and sorrow. How did bad things always happen under his nose? How did they always happen to the people he cared about? Why? Why her?

   "I should've told you everything sooner," Riley eventually apologized. "I think... I think that not telling you was my stupid attempt at keeping the dream alive. I didn't have to think about everything that was wrong when I was with you. I could just pretend it wasn't real."

   "I understand," Peter said. "I think I would've done the same."

   "No, you wouldn't. You're better than me." She sniffled. "Is this feeling ever gonna leave?"

   "If I'm being honest, no," he said. "I've been mourning my Uncle Ben for years, and sometimes, I still feel the way I did when I first heard the news. But that's sort of the beautiful thing about death, I think. No one ever really dies. They live forever, in our memories and stories and old clothes, you know? They're always with us."

   "But what if I forget him? All of them? What if I forget everything?"

   Peter shook his head. "You won't."

   She sighed. "You're right. Again."

   Love and grief were such odd feelings, but the older Peter got, the more he realized they weren't very different after all. They're one and the same, unable to exist without the other. Grief is a result of love. Love gives us a reason to grieve. If grief is a rose, love lies in the rose's roots. They grow together, thorns and petals protecting each other.

   "I can't promise you the world, but I'm not going anywhere," Peter said. "You're not losing me."

   Riley only offered him a small smile, the words on her tongue escaping into her thoughts.

   I don't need the world. If I can protect it forever, I'll be okay with never having it.

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AUTHOR'S NOTE:

I know it might seem like this is just a filler chapter, but it's actually quite important! It's all in the details... >:)

Anyway, I love Riley. To those of you who read the prequel, it's kinda bittersweet to think that in the end, Pietro proved to her that he could be a hero. :(

(Also, we're finally moving on from this arc, leading into the next big events in the Marvel timeline. Anyone have any guesses as to what's next now that we're done with WandaVision?)