Miranda woke to find the room dark. She blinked trying to focus. As her eyes became clear, she found Rob sleeping next to her. She touched his cheek lightly. He stirred. "Morning, sleepyhead."

Rob's eyes fluttered open, and he raised his head looking around, remembering where he was. He rubbed his eyes and smiled down at her. "Morning."

Ryan sat up. "I guess we slept past dinner."

"Guess so."

"Mind if I shower?"

"Please do." He made a show of smelling the air as if a foul odor was present.

She punched his arm lightly.

"Down the hall," he said, laying back down and closed his eyes.

Ben felt her get off the bed. He turned over, pulling the blanket to him with a sigh. He hadn't realized how tired he was. He felt her soft lips on his cheek, Ryan's fingers gently slipped through his hair. Ben tried to open his eyes, but he was too tired.

*****************************

After Ben had finally woken up, brushed his teeth, and had taken a quick shower, he went in search of Ryan.

He found her in the kitchen, sitting at the table, stringing popcorn for the tree. Ryan was laughing at something his father had said, while his mom at the stove, fondly looked over her shoulder at them. Ryan looked like she had always belonged in his kitchen with his family.

"Good morning, sunshine," his mother greeted him cheerfully.

He grunted.

"Coffee?"

Ben slid into the chair next to Ryan. "Make it a double."

Ryan grinned at him. "No running today?" she asked teasingly.

He took a handful of popcorn stuffed it in his mouth, and gave her a look as if to say that won't happen in this lifetime.

"You're eating the decorations," Ryan scolded disapprovingly.

"Breakfast," he answered, sending a grateful look to his mom as she handed him a cup of coffee.

"I'll make you some waffles. We had ours already," his mom told him, squeezing his shoulder.

"Thanks." Ben rubbed a hand over his wet hair from his shower. "I'd help, but I don't think I could focus," he said, watching his dad and Ryan thread a piece of popcorn each.

Ryan touched him lightly on the back in comfort. Ben looked over sleepily, and she smiled at him as if remembering they had slept all night together in each others arms. Ben reached for her hand, his head lowering to kiss her...

"Ryan, Rob was telling us that you're considering being a teacher."

Ben quickly jerked his head and hand back at the interruption. He forgot his parents where tjere for a moment.

His mom pretended she hadn't seen Ben almost kiss Ryan and continued to put frozen waffles in the toaster.

Ryan blushed and cleared her throat. "Yeah, I love kids."

She placed a hand on Ben's thigh and rubbed it gently.

His heart lept at her acknowledging she had known he was going to kiss her and was consoling him that he hadn't been able to do so. And that she was opposed to the idea.

"What grade do you want to teach?" His mom continued oblivious to her son's mind and heart racing.

"Kindergarten."

"Why Kindergarten?"

Ryan shrugged. "They're young. More open to ideas."

"I teach eighth grade."

"Really? What's that like?"

"Rewarding and frustrating at the same time," his mom and answered with a chuckle.

"How do you feel about our Rob, here, being a lawyer?" Ryan asked, putting an arm around him.

His mother smiled lightly. "He's always been a good boy. It'd suit him just fine," she said, setting the plate of waffles in front of him.

"Thanks, ma," he said, touching her hand, knowing that it hurt his mother to have to lie.

A police car split the air as it went by. Ben saw Ryan almost fly out of her skin. "Are you okay?"

"Yeah," Ryan answered, turning back to her threading.

Miranda had been thinking about how nice it was to be sitting around talking with Ben's family. Being a part of his family. Then the siren pulled her back into reality. Who she was, what he was.

"Would you excuse me? I'd better call my family and tell them to have a Merry Christmas Eve," she said, setting the strand of popcorn down.

Rob's mom smiled at her. "Of course, make yourself at home."

"I'll be right back," Ryan touched Rob's shoulder as she got up.

"Take your time," Rob squeezed her hand.

"I like her," his mother said, taking Ryan's seat and touching her son on the arm.

"Yeah," Ben replied, taking a bite of his waffle.

"Why don't you tell her that you're in love with her?" his mom asked, lowering her voice.

"Mom, I can't."

"Why not?"

"Because I'm lying to her about who I am. She won't understand that."

"Honey, if you tell her what you are..."

"I can't," he interrupted.

His mom blew out a breath. "Honey, unless I'm incredibly mistaken, I'd say she's in love with you too."

"Mom," he sighed.

"Honey, have you looked into her eyes? I'd say that's love."

"I try not to or I get stuck there. And I really don't think that she feels the same."

"Why not?"

"She sees other guys. I've seen her with them. It's not how someone behaves when they're in love with someone else."

"Well, maybe she sees other guys because you're not making a move," his mom said simply.

"I'm not having this conversation with my mother."

"How 'bout your father?" his father spoke up.

"You either."

"The way that I see it", his dad started talking, ignoring Ben's protest, "is that you love her and she loves you. I don't see any other issue here."

"How about she's nineteen and I'm thirty for starters?" Ben hissed. "OR that my job would be on the line?"

"There's more to life than your job," his father told him sincerely.

Rob opened his mouth to rebut when his father put up his hand. "Let me finish. I know that you've worked hard to get where you are. And I know that you did it in the first place because you thought, in some small way, it would pay back for what happened to Josh. But nothing can bring him back. Nothing can change what happened. And I'm sure that, if he were alive today, Josh would be telling you the same thing and telling you to go after that girl. While you still have a chance."

******************************

Miranda leaned on the railing of the deck and watched the palm trees sway in the wind. She took a deep breath and smelled the sea air. It was warm in Miami. The atmosphere outside was nothing indicating that it was Christmas.

But inside, inside was a winter wonderland, like she always loved. She had left them as they strung decorations on the tree. Miranda gave them time to be a family. She missed hers, but she was happy to be with Ben during this time. She couldn't imagine being away from him, and that was the problem.

"Hey, you," Rob said, stepping outside.

"Hi," Ryan answered, not turning around.

"You okay?"

"Yeah, fine." She turned to face him.

Rob frowned. "You're not okay," he said, walking closer.

"I'm fine. Really. I just needed to get some air. Go back in. I'll be there soon."

"Want to talk about it? I'm a good listener."

"I know that you are. But I'm fine really."

"Do you mind if I stare out into nothing with you?" he asked, leaning on the railing.

"Free country," Ryan shrugged. She leaned back on the railing and they were quiet for a few minutes.

Miranda cleared her throat. "When I was little, my dad and I would stand like this, for hours, looking out the window. Waiting for snow. Waiting for Santa," she said quietly.

"That's nice," Rob replied gently. He avoided eye contact as he felt it was difficult for her to speak about even to him. "How'd he die? If you don't mind my asking."

"In the line of duty," she replied after a moment.

"He was a cop?" he asked in surprise.

"Can we talk about it another time? It's not something that I like to discuss at Christmas."

"Sure," he said, touching her hand.

"I don't mean to push you away." she said, looking down at his hand on hers. "It's just some things... I can't talk about."

"It's okay. I'm here whenever you do want to talk." Rob squeezed her hand. He heard the back door open and turned.

"Sorry to interrupt," his mom popped her head out of the door opening. "Ryan, you're cell phone is ringing."

"Thank you." Ryan quickly released Rob's hand and followed his mom inside.

****************************

Miranda went into Ben's room and picked up the phone. She smiled at the name on the missed call notification. She re-dialed.

"Hey, hot stuff!" She greeted his distracted 'hello' answering of the phone.

"Merry Christmas, Angel!" Gus' joy of the holidays radiated through the phone.

Gus loved every holiday and always made a big production. He decorated their townhouse from top to bottom and spoiled them all in presents. Gus even had Kyle teach him to bake so he could make Christmas cookies one year.

"Merry Christmas to you too! How are you? You doing okay?"

"Yeah, fine. I was just sitting here...thinking about last year."

"Why would you do that?"

"It was the first Christmas without you."

Miranda put a hand to her mouth. "Yeah. It was. It sucked without you."

"I'm sorry. Not just for missing Christmas last year. But for everything."

"Me too."

"Miranda..."

"You don't get to take all the blame, Gus!"

He sighed. "I know. But I just wanted you to know that. I was thinking about Doug too. How he kept telling me how stupid I was for throwing it all away. He was right, I threw it all away."

Miranda pinched the bridge of her nose. "It wasn't just your choice. We both..."

"I know. Look, Lawson said that you have someone else. I just wanted to let you know that I want you to be happy. And not to throw it away."

"That's big of you."

Gus sighed."You're still mad at me."

"No. Of course not. I understood what you said, Gus. Honestly, I'm mad at myself. I'm mad at why I didn't realize what was happening when it was happening. I'm mad at what I'm doing now with Ben. I'm sorry I didn't tell you then what I was thinking or feeling. And that I didn't respect how you were thinking or feeling."

"You never disrespected me, angel. You told me a hundred times how you saw married life and it didn't match up with I wanted, but I ignored that because I wanted you."

Miranda wiped tears from her eyes. "I wanted you too, Gus."

"I know that. That's why it was so damn hard to walk away. You know what we talked about? About us riding the desk? After Dougie... Well, I'm off the street. For now, at least. Maybe for good depending how I heal up. Any way, it's not like it matters anymore with us. But, I was thinking... with you and this Ben guy, maybe it's something you should consider. It's not so bad riding the desk, you know, I get to boss the rookies around even more than usual."

She groaned. "You've been talking to Kyle."

"He's just got your best interests at heart, Miranda. We all do. Look, it was always a problem between you and me. We were too concerned about what the other one was doing that we got careless for the overall mission. It put us in danger. It put the rest of The Boys in danger. I realize that now."

"I get that but..."

"Kyle's worried about you, Angel. He's worried that you're letting that happen again. I don't want to see you hurt."

"Gus, I'm not going to get hurt."

"I hear it in your voice. You're already hurting."

"Because I'm doing absolutely nothing about it! With you, I could fight. I could tell you to back off when you pushed me. It's different with Ben and our situation."

"Because of what Kyle said?"

Miranda scoffed, then muttered, "He makes a good point."

"Kyle is still hurting from his divorce. He's not the greatest at love advice."

"And you are?"

"Getting there."

She could hear him smile. "You met someone?"

"Yeah."

Miranda waited for the knot of jealously to twist in her stomach, but all she felt was peace. "I'm so happy for you."

"Thank you. It's not serious yet, we just started dating, but I can move on now knowing you're happy. Let me be happy for you."

"I'll be happy when this assignment is over with."

"Hang in there, angel, it'll be over before you know it."

"Thanks. Will you be home anytime soon?"

"I'm not sure. I'll be in touch. Hey, I'll let you go. I don't want lover boy to get jealous. Kyle said he tends to do that."

"Kyle likes to make him jealous. You take care of yourself, hot stuff."

Gus chuckled. "You too, angelface. I love you. No matter what. We're still friends 'til the end."

"Of course. Friends to the end. And I love you too. Always."

"Bye." He said quietly.

"Bye."

Miranda took a deep breath and blew out. That was a conversation long overdue. She'd been long over being a couple with Gus, but they never had said sorry to each other. Not really. And they certainly had never said have a good life with someone else.

She looked at herself in the mirror. Maybe Gus had it right. Maybe she was better off being tied to a desk. Miranda had to admit, it was getting rather tiresome pretending to be all hot and bothered over some guy who she'd love to make a punching bag out of.

Miranda joined Ben in the living room. They had finished the tree and sat talking around many empty boxes. She slid onto the couch next to him and rested her head on his shoulder. He looked at her fondly and slid an arm around her shoulders.

"Stuart, I think there's one more box in the garage. Help me look," Rob's mother said, looking pointedly at them.

"Certainly dear," he said, pulling himself up.

Ben waited for his parents to leave. "Everything okay?"

"Yeah. Fine." Ryan's hand tightened on his arm briefly.

He looked at the tree admiring their handiwork. "Thanks for helping with all the decorating."

"No problem," she answered, taking his hand in hers gently.

"My parents go to church every Christmas Eve. Do you want to go?" he asked, looking down at their hands.

"Sure."

"Really?"

"Surprised?"

"You just don't seem like the church going type."

"Nither do you," she said, running a finger along the tattoo around his arm.

"No, not really. It makes mom happy though," he answered, threading his fingers through hers.

"Got to make mom happy," she said, running her fingers down his arm.

"I better go get changed. She'll kill me if I go in jeans," he said, getting up. He pulled on her hand.

"You need help getting dressed?" she asked with a smile, standing up.

"Maybe just the tie," he said, touching her nose with an index finger.

"You wear ties?" she asked, amazed.

"From time to time," he said, walking down the hall.

"I don't know if I have church clothes," she said, following him into his room.

"Don't worry about it. Just don't wear jeans or my mom will flip," he said, going into his closet. "What about this one?" he asked pulling a hanger out and showing her the blue dress that hung on it.

She shrugged and then made a face. "Not very Christmas-y."

He rolled his eyes. "I was only trying to help," he said, pulling a pair of slacks off a hanger and came back into the room.

"Well, thanks for trying, but I think I can handle it."

"Okay, I leave you the closet," he said, grabbing a shirt and a tie from the closet and laid them on the bed. She went in the closet and closed the door.

"Getting dressed in the closet?" he asked with a laugh, pulling off his jeans.

"Why not?" she replied from the other side.

"I've seen you in your underwear before."

"And look what happened."

He chuckled. "I am sorry about that."

"Sure you are."

"Really," he answered sincerely.

"Do we have to talk about this?"

"You brought it up."

"Forget about it."

He didn't know how he could ever forget about it, he thought, pulling on his white long sleeve shirt.

"Are you dressed?" She called out.

"Pretty much," he answered, buttoning his shirt.

She opened the door and peeked through. "Pretty much? You are," she said, stepping out.

He smiled. "You look nice."

She wore a knee length black skirt with a light weight green sweater and black high heels.

"Thank you, so do you," she said, picking up the tie from the bed and put it around his neck.

"You know how to do this?" he asked as she lifted his shirt collar.

"Yeah," she answered, beginning to wrap the tie around.

"How did you learn?"

"Mom taught me. She said every woman should know how to tie a tie for her husband. Of course, I was protesting it at thirteen, saying I was never going to marry. I was a bit of a tomboy you might say," she said, putting his collar back down.

He looked in the mirror. "Not bad for a tomboy," he said with a wink. She got his suit jacket from out of the closet and helped him slip it on. "You're pretty good at this," he said, turning around and buttoning the front buttons.

She stared at him. He was incredibly gorgeous. More so than usual. The suit actually made him look his real age, and for the first time, it really hit her that he really was thirty and not nineteen.

"What?" he asked, turning to look in the mirror as to what could be wrong.

"That," she said, pointing in the mirror.

Ben squinted his eyes and shook his head, not understanding. She moved in front of him. Miranda put her hand around his neck lightly. She studied his eyes, which were wondering what she was doing. She pulled his head quickly down to her, bringing his lips to hers.

Ben was shocked at first, but quickly responded, wrapping his arms around her waist and deepening the kiss. He missed the taste of her. Ryan's tongue was so soft and sweet. He got lost in kissing her. Forgetting who he was, what he did, and he just fell into the kiss and into the moment with her.

They pulled away with the noise of someone clearing their throat. They turned to look at Rob's father.

"Ready?" his father asked.

"Sure," Ryan responded with a smile, pulling away from Rob, and putting an arm through his father's, leading him down the hall.

"Tell me, Stu, do we need to go to confession first?"

His father laughed. Rob smiled and shook his head following after them.

****************************

They returned from church in Christmas spirit. Miranda felt better than she had earlier. She felt better since she kissed Ben. He kept his hand in hers as often as possible, Miranda noted. She was happy for the connection, but wondered what they needed to do about this next. Miranda supposed it was probably about time for a sit down with Ben to tell him the truth. On the other hand, she wasn't supposed to tell him. And yet, she knew about him. Miranda got a headache every time she thought about it.

"Ryan, we have a tradition where we each open up one gift Christmas Eve. The rest we open Christmas Day. So, this is yours," Rob's mom said.

"Oh, you didn't have to do anything for me," she said, taking the package with a smile.

Rob laid an arm around her. "Be quiet and open it."

"Is this from you too?"

He smiled at her. "Yes."

She finished opening the package and found a silver watch.

"Since I stepped on yours," Rob sheepishly.

Ryan shook her head. She didn't wear her watch often since her cellphone had the time. He didn't have to go through the trouble of getting her a new one. She had told him that a few days ago when it had somehow fallen off her desk and near Rob's bed.

"It's beautiful, thank you," she said to all of them. "But I told you that you didn't have to get me another one," she said to Rob.

"Too bad."

"I have something for you all, too. Just a sec," she said, getting up and walking down the hall. She returned with a few packages. She handed them each one.

"You didn't have to get us anything either," his mom said.

"Too bad," she said, mocking Rob.

"How sweet," Gina said, opening her present and showing it to them. "He never lets me take his picture anymore," she said as Rob grabbed the frame from her.

"When did you take these?" he asked, studying the two photos Miranda had taken of him when he wasn't looking. They were actually really good candid shots.

"When you least expected it," Ryan replied, patting his leg.

Stu opened his present and found a large insulated travel coffee mug.

"Rob had said that you drive a lot late at night for your job."

"This is great, thanks," Stu said, opening the top to peek inside.

"Your turn," she said, looking at Rob. He opened his. "I know that you're not really religious but..."

"It's great. Thank you," he said, hugging her, touched at her gift. It was a Saint Michael medallion on a gold chain. He knew a lot of agents and police officers who wore them for protection.

And he knew that Ryan wore one herself, but he didn't know why she'd feel inclined to wear one. He suddenly remembered her mentioning her dad had been a cop and killed in the line of duty. The medal she wore most likely was his.

The gift felt even more special then, knowing that her own medal had meant so much to her. And the fact the medal was for protection showed she did care about him.

"What is that?" Stu asked.

"Saint Michael. For protection."

"How thoughtful," Stu said, looking at his son slipping it over his head.

His parents turned in and Ryan went to the bathroom to brush her teeth. Ben threw a blanket and pillow onto the couch and waited for her to get out.

When Ryan was done, he went in and brushed his own teeth. Ben came out and found the couch empty. No pillow or blanket. He frowned and went back to the bedroom to look for them. Maybe he had just thought he put them there already. Ben was tired he must have imagined he had done so. He went in search of them.

Ben found the pillow and blanket next to a sleeping Ryan. He smiled fondly, realizing she had stolen them and brought them to bed because she wanted him in the bed with her.

He climbed in and laid down next to Ryan. She turned and scooted in towards him sleepily. He kissed her forehead lightly.

"Goodnight."

"Night," she said, kissing his cheek.

Ben turned to look at her. Ryan opened her eyes and put a hand to his face looking into his eyes.

"What are we going to do?" he asked, stroking her hair.

She kissed him lightly on the lips. "We don't have to decide anything tonight," Ryan told him quietly, and kissed him again lightly.

Ben groaned. "What about Tom?"

"What about him?"

"Don't you want..."

"You think I'd pick him over you?"

"Why not?"

"Because he's not you." Ryan ran a finger down the length of his nose.

"And Xavier?"

"He's not you either," she moving her finger along his lips.

"You don't want to be with either of them?"

Ryan kissed him. "I only want you."

"There's a lot about me you don't know." Ben turned to look her in the eyes.

"It's okay."

"It's not okay. I don't want to keep things from you, but there are certain things I have to. For now. And as for us being together? I want that, Ryan. Believe me, I do. But I can't be exclusive with you. Not for a while."

"Me either."

"You don't want to be exclusive with me?"

"I want to be, but I can't. If you can't either then you should understand why I can't."

He sighed. Their reasons would be so far apart. If he wanted her to accept why he couldn't be exclusive, he couldn't demand that she be exclusive with him, even if it hurt.

"Alright then."

"So, we can make out now?" she asked with a smile.

Ben grinned, "Definitely." He pulled her closer to him, which was something as she had already been pressed against him. His lips came to hers, Ben's tongue parted her lips. Their tongues met, and he groaned with the sweet taste of her.

Ben slid his hand up her shirt. "God, you're so soft," he moaned.

Ryan pulled off her shirt and pulled him to her. His mouth went to her chest and she moaned at his touch. "Make love to me."

"You sure?" Ben asked, looking at her eyes.

"You don't want to?" Ryan asked, leaning up on an elbow to look at him in surprise.

"Of course, I want to. I've wanted you since the first moment I saw you," he said, touching her cheek.

"Then come here," she said, pulling him down to her.

Ben pulled off his shirt and his shorts, and Ryan slid off her shorts. "Have you...uh, have you done this before?" he asked, stroking her hair.

"Yes. Does that bother you?"

"I'm not crazy about the idea, but I can't let it bother me. Especially since I've done it before too," he said, kissing her.

"You're not going to ask if that bothers me?"

He chuckled. "Does it bother you?"

"No," Ryan said, lifting her chin to nip at his chin.

"I'm glad we can agree on that," he said seriously, and ran a hand up her thigh.

She moaned. "I missed your touch."

"I plan on touching you all night," Ben answered, kissing down her neck.

"And the next night?" she asked, kissing him back.

"And the one after that," he said, kissing her lips again.