Word Count: 2844

Title: EAST QUEEN

Genre: Action/Romance

Blurb: The large and prosperous city of Dalbridge, split after a long and intense civil war between the East and West, is left without it's king, and potential heir to the East-Side throne, Andrea Alscott, is finally given the chance to prove her worth.

When reports of disturbances along the border grow too prominent to be ignored, Andrea must learn what - or who - is making her life all the more difficult. She's determined to fix the ever-growing problem herself, without sabotaging her future as Queen. But when her former best friend is kidnapped by the West, her plans of staying neutral are upended and she is unable to stay on the side lines. Crossing the border is an act of war - but getting caught is a risk she's willing to take.

With tensions rising to an all-time high, Andrea is forced to work with some very unlikely allies.

Status: Ongoing

Starting points: 30

* * *

Note: I'm going to try and write this review in one sitting bc I've got a ridiculous presentation/assignment to prepare for.

Update: It would seem I lied.

Cover: Not a fan. The author's username has been placed in an awkward position and my eyes keep twitching every time I look at it. Personally, I've always preferred it either at the bottom of the cover or the top. As it is now, it looks like the author (or who ever designed the cover) ran out of space and decided to squeeze the name in the center. My advice? Fire them. With no pay.

-I'm also pretty much against having stickers on covers. Unless the sticker is The Watty's, stay away from my lovely cover! Some of them have pretty atrocious designs and will just ruin an otherwise decent cover. If i wanted to showcase my achievements, I'd simply write them on top or below the blurb. But that's just a personal preference. So ignore this if you want to.

-The checkered pattern isn't doing your cover any favors either and has caused the only redeeming factor on this cover (the girl w the gun) to fade into the background. *huffs*

-I'm going to take a point for this bad decision. (-1)

Update: I just realized if you quint, the cover looks like a face. Haha. why am i like this. *Laughs awkwardly*

Title: I thought it was cheesy at first but I realized that's just my jaded ass being extra picky. It's pretty cool! And the fact that it's capitalized gives it such a serious disposition that I felt obligated to capitalize it too. Or it could just be you hexing me in a secret room somewhere. Who knows. *side eye emoji*

Blurb: This blurb is good. Too good Great, even. I want to get excited about it but since the last review had a pretty stellar blurb too and the story was the complete opposite, I'm suspicious. *detective emoji*

- and my detective eyes has spotted two red flags:

- the first paragraph can be separated into two sentences instead of one. It's not necessarily a comma splice since you separated it with a conjunction but it's still clunky and confusing. I had to read it twice to get a clear sense of what you were trying to convey. (-1)

suggestions:

-You could separate them by using a semi-colon or an em-dash.

"The large and prosperous city of Dalbridge, split after a long and intense civil war between the East and West, is left without it's king--and potential heir to the East-Side throne, Andrea Alscott, is finally given the chance to prove her worth."

- Or you could start a whole new sentence with the subject:

"The large and prosperous city of Dalbridge, split after a long and intense civil war between the East and West, is left without it's king. Andrea Alscott, potential heir to the East-Side throne, is finally given the chance to prove her worth."

- oh, ew. I hate that sentence. I would ignore it if I were you and stick to the first suggestion. *scrunches nose*

- You use hyphens (-) in places where an em-dash (-) is ideal.

Excerpt: [When reports of disturbances along the border grow too prominent to be ignored, Andrea must learn what - or who - is making her life all the more difficult.]

-Your third paragraph also suffers from this demon. (-1)

-Note to everyone: When it comes to dashes and hyphens, many people think that they are the same, but in fact dashes are used within sentences (usually to emphasize separation of ideas or lists), while hyphens are used to connect compound words and some prefixes. There are actually three different types of dashes: the em-dash, the en-dash, and the 3-em dash. But for this tutoring, we'll focus on the former two. The em-dash is the length of the letter "m" and can be used to replace parentheses, colons, and commas-it separates extra information or mark a break in a sentence. (see what I did there? *winks*) You can create an em dash by typing two hyphens without spaces between the hyphens (--) and no spaces before or after the hyphens. Or if you're using your phone, long press the hyphen key. An underscore as well as the em and en dashes will pop up. (at least that's how it is on my phone) The en-dash (-) is used between dates and times and is approximately the length of the letter n.

-Class dismissed.

First impression/thoughts:

Excerpt: [Andrea Alscott earned her first bronze ring on the dawn of her fifteenth birthday. It had been a slice to the throat. Quick, clean. Merciful]

-Exciting stuff, truly. But I'm confused. If this statement is anything to go by, you're saying the slice to the throat is the bronze ring, as opposed to what I think you intended to convey which is that she'd earned the bronze ring because she'd killed someone w a slice to the throat. Minor error but I caught it, and if I did then someone else did too. I would reword this sentence. (-2)

-Any who. The chapter opens with Andrea in an Art class, undergoing what is most likely PTSD and I have to admit I'm impressed by how the author links what Andrea is doing (which is painting) to the memory she's reliving. It's probably the best visual detail to connect to the slice and dice incident.

-I just saw something icky and I've been trying to ignore it but it keeps calling to me, like it wants me to say something. I really shouldn't. Its totally irrelevant and absolutely nothing worth complaining about... but we all know that's exactly what I'm going to do. It's the words "headache pill." *audience grumbles* Yeah, yeah say what you want but this author's writing style was pretty stellar until I came across those monstrous words side by side. Is something wrong with them? Not necessarily. But did it still make me itch and wanna claw them out of the sentence? Yes! Why, you ask? Bc I really feel like it makes your otherwise polished writing amateurish. "Headache pills" is simply not professional enough for me, and sounds like something a novice would write. Aspirin or Ibuprofen would've sufficed.

-I'm taking points off bc I'm still itching and I'm vengeful. (-2)

- Your 9th and 13th chapter misuses the en-dash. *face palm* I think this is going to be a rampant occurrence so I might just as well start taking points for each one I come across since it seems I won't be doing so if your writing has anything to say about it. (-1)

-Why am I so merciful with the points today? Jesus, it's disgusting.

Excerpt: [Andrea looked down at the hand clutching the leather straps of her bag, where three slithers of bronze blinked back up at her beneath the harsh lighting of the locker-lined corridor. Three beautiful reminders of what she had done. What she would always be.]

-This paragraph is simply beautiful. Ick!

-I've finally come across a sentence where you used an em dash as its supposed to be used but left a space after it. *meditates* It can never just be the full package with you guys, can it? I must always suffer. (-1)

Excerpt; [Her lack of resistance must have grown some false sense of confidence in Isaac, because he then sneered, "What makes you think you can disobey his orders?"]

-I can't be the only one who thought that read awkwardly, right? "Then" is acting as a filler word in this sentence as it is wholly unnecessary and the sentence would still make sense without it. Scrap it now. Thank you, kindly.

-Your 23rd paragraph has once again committed a crime against the en-dash. (-1)

Excerpt: ["Darling," she managed to coo, sounding far steadier than she felt, "if you don't take your hand off me, I will personally see to it that there is a special place in Hell, just for you."]

-Imma be real with you, sis. That threat is whack as hell. (-1)

- I just noticed that the covers you put on your image boxes in chapter 1 and 2 are far nicer than your actual cover! Wtf? I'm really upset because you would not have lost any marks if they had simply switched places. Please, love yourself. I'm taking more points off bc... reasons! (-2)

-Huh. I'm gripped. By the jugular. This chapter is pretty much... gold? A masterpiece? Nah, I'd never be so nice as to call it that so don't show your teeth yet but...

-I'll be back.

Characters:

-Andrea "Scottie" Alscott: I may go in-depth here and spoil the plot for you guys. Lemao, since when did I care about spoilers? Onward!

-I think its safe to say I admire this character with all my stomach. Her character is so well-rounded and not one-dimensional. Females in this sorta stories are usually created to be this badass, invulnerable mock of reality but Andrea seems so real she's almost relatable. She hates what she cannot control, she's disturbed by what she does but has to pretend she's not, and she fights to stand up to men who think they're better than her. Through her thoughts and feelings alone, I didn't have a hard time understanding the ways of their world or the war between the East-Side and the West-Side, and the author didn't even info-dump!

-Seth Haines: Andrea's closest friend/bodyguard who, if the blurb is anything to go by, will get kidnapped! *squeals*

-Oh, also, he's secretly into her. *audience glares at me* This shouldn't be a spoiler, guys. We all know there must be a love interest, and who else will fill that shoe if not her closest best friend and bodyguard?? It's textbook romance.

*files nails*

- any who, his character is actually pretty gentle and he doesn't come off like the overbearing, possessive, potential love interest that most writers tend to write about. From what I can remember, he's protective of Andrea... and not just because he's obligated to be. So far, so cute! But I'm not sure I ship yet.

-Wren Haines: A weasel. Seth's lying brother. He was practically salivating all over Andrea at the supermarket, but when she showed him an ounce of interest, he became all secretive--like he was James Bond's caricature. I was immediately annoyed. (-1)

-I'm also sensing a love triangle between these three, but I hope to God I'm wrong. Bc those suck!

-Jack "Prince" Harris: The competing heir to the throne. The author did a good job with his character bc my skin crawls every time he opens his mouth. She wasted no time showing us just how deep his thirst for power runs and what a diabolical wimp he is. From sending Isaac to summon Andrea, to sending Andrea the outfit he wanted her to wear for their meeting, to proposing to her. I'm actually very excited to see what he gets up to next.

-Isaac: Subordinate member of the Viper gang. Also Jack's little messenger. The only interesting thing about him is that he got decked by my girl, Andrea. (-1)

-Bonnie "Minx" Clyde: Pretty historical name you've given this character. I would say she's similar to the real deal in a lot of ways. Ofc, the limp is one exception. Anyway, she's Jack's little bitch/lackey and her first appearance in the story was executed beautifully.

Dialogue:

I've seen some slip-ups here and there, but ya'll. It's pretty close to perfection. Wtf!
*holds back tears* I think it's by far the best I've come across since my first ever review book. It completely portrays everyone's personalities and distinct voice, and doesn't deliver exposition awkwardly. Its also very entertaining. This dialogue rocks!

Inconsistencies:

I see none. I hear none. I smell none. Yeet!

Grammar:

Whomst? Oh, yeah... that. *squints*

-Nothing fishy here! Nope. None.

-Totally fkn w you.

Excerpt; [He grinned wide. "Way to go, detective."]

-You should capitalize a nickname when writing. This is because it acts as an alternative to the actual name of the person. We capitalize people's names, so it makes sense that nicknames are also capitalized. Ergo, "detective" should begin with a Capital letter. (-1)

Side note: This does not apply to terms of endearments (babe, sweetie, darling etc) They're not to be capitalized. Unless the person has always been called "Babe", then that's a name.

-Also, it's "he grinned widely." (-1)

-apart from a few minor errors visible to me but invisible to others, *smirks* the grammar is damn near divine.

Likes/dislikes

- so easy to read.

- riveting plot. I mean, there's a hook in every chapter.

- very fleshed out characters.

- surprisingly no info-dump.

- I really liked what happened at the end of chapter 2 when Andrea outsmarted that smug-face called Wren.

- Jack's proposal in chapter 5 had me laughing my ass out! I actually closed my phone, sent my head back in laughter and opened my phone again, giddy as heck. *whispers* and I was walking on the street.

- short chapters

- smooth flow

-You balanced showing and telling really well, bravo!

-Your use of dialogue tags and their correct punctuations is stellar as heck.

- the third person limited narration is fire. Glad you chose to use it.

- your. descriptions. *drools*

- "Headache pill" -- *itches excessively*

- Your misuse of the en dash should be criminal, and you should've been in jail, like, yesterday.

- I did not complain much, nor did I have a seizure or a migraine. Thank you!

- Andrea's aversion to touch. Since this book is also a romance genre, having the main character be so sickened by touch is single-handedly the most genius conflict to bring into the plot.

-You should've chosen the right cover. You're losing marks recklessly or even potential readers because of this horrendous mistake. *pouts*

-Excerpt: ["The whispers of unrest have been in my ear since before your father even left the city. My reach is endless, my serpents everywhere."] *cackles and chokes on a bottle of water* What is this?? Is it supposed to be humor? Because it made me laugh till my stomach hurt. I feel like I jumped back to the 18th century and overheard a couple of amateurs try at sounding tough. This sentence is too dramatic to be anything but comical. (-3)

- I hate that I can't find much fault in your writing. Most of these are praises. Yuck!

When I stopped reading:

I read up till chapter 6 before remembering I hadn't looked at it with a critical eye, and had to backpedal. I couldn't believe how much I was enjoying myself. Reading books focused on the action genre isn't really my thing but I'm starting to think I just might have found the exception.

-Sadly, you haven't lost all your points despite all my attempts to ensure you do. *pouts* And we can't have that, can we? All points must be lost so...boop! (-9)

Final thoughts:

It's official. I've been hexed. Someone send for a damn priest! I'm so impressed I almost want to give the author a virtual hug. Your story is fkn beautiful. You should have way more fkn reads. I talk a lot of shit about people's books and sprinkle humor here and there (you know, the glitter) all for my readers entertainment (but most especially mine hehe), but at the core, I do it to promote books like these. Cause Wattpad does a poor job of doing so and glorifies shitty books instead.

-Anyway, that's all. You may go.

- Jokes! You get to be the first privileged person to be added to a BRAND NEW public reading list called "the Elites of M30"!!

-You also get SIX votes from me bc you deserve it. I'm also fkn following you. Damn you!

Congratulations!!! And thank you for the new read.

*runs off into the sunset w my phone*