word count: 2315

Title: Accidental Housemate

Genre: Romance

Blurb: All the model wanted was to have peace in her new flat in London, and to celebrate her new modelling contract. Perrie did not expect to be forced to have a housemate, nor to have to explain why she looked awfully familiar to him.

Dave, an office secretary, was an unnecessary addition to her anxiety list, yet the man did not plan to leave the flat any time soon. He paid as much as she did and wanted to claim his rights, whether it was legal or not. They were left with one choice: sharing the place until they found the solution for the mess. One bedroom and toilet each, and no messing the kitchen.

What happens when Dave finally figures why she looks familiar?

Status: Ongoing

Starting points: 30

***

Cover: i don't feel anything for this cover. Literally squat. It's not horrible, but its not great either. It's not doing anything with itself. It's just there. Like sand. You know how sand is always there but we don't put our minds to it and couldn't care less about it? Yeah. That's what this cover reminds me of. Forgettable sand. It feels like the author just took a photo off the internet and added texts to it. And what's with that soft glow? my eyes hurt!

The yellow font gives it a bit of quality, i'll admit, but otherwise, i'm not impressed. (-1)

Title: Nice. Pretty simple. Rolls off the tongue easily. No points lost.

Blurb: *wears glasses*

*removes glasses*

-Guys, I don't know where to start. This blurb is all kinds of unsatisfying.

-Why start the blurb off with "the model"? It sounds so cryptic, like this is going to be a story about some ancient being and not mere contemporary folks like you and i. It's as though you're trying to make this story what it so clearly isn't. Could've just used the main characters name and called it a day. (-1)

-and, oh good grief - Excerpt: [Dave, an office secretary...] Huh? I am astounded by the sheer audacious ambiguity of this statement. It's so wonderfully vague that I'm wondering whether i should laugh or be offended. What office secretary? An office secretary of drug dealers? An office secretary of a Brothel? An office secretary of the devil? Could be anything. Or are we expected to just guess? This should be clear! I didn't sign up for homework! It's so unprofessional bc it sends the message that you didn't properly outline/flesh out your character, neither did you do the research needed. Either be specific about the office or don't mention it at all. (-2)

- Excerpt: [He paid as much as she did and wanted to claim his rights, whether it was legal or not] If he paid for the flat, he already has rights to it. (according to my law notes) So adding "whether it was legal or not" is very unnecessary and is just occupying space - like mass. Don't just write english, make sense of what you're writing. (-1)

-I may just be nitpicking here but I'm agitated today so whatever!

-Omg, guys.

-Excerpt: [ what happens when Dave finally figures why she looks familiar?]

-What is this????? It literally came out of nowhere. Dave was not introduced properly and suddenly we're supposed to be alarmed that he knows Perrie? We don't even know him! All we know about him is that he's sharing a flat w Perrie. Even his line of work is ambiguous. Why should his supposed past w Perrie matter to us? We don't know what the stakes are. We don't know why Perrie's familiarity to Dave is a problem. Why should we care about what may happen if Dave figures out why Perrie looks familiar when you haven't given us a reason to? (-3)

-The problem with this blurb (and there are many) is the fact that I don't care about the main characters. There is no obvious conflict, no hook, no "ah, this is why i absolutely have to read this!". Instead, I feel empty and not in the least bit interested. If i didn't have to review this book, I would not have clicked the read button. Not even to save my life.

-This is a problem. I'd suggest that you chuck this blurb out the window and write a whole new one. Please. Love yourself.

First impression/thoughts:

- The first sentence relates very clearly to the blurb but there's still that problem of my not caring. Having this flat in London is so obviously very important to our main character but I don't care that it is. She's glad she's free of her mother's sharp mouth and her dad's constant begging. But do I care? Not one bit. And I should, as a reader. I should root for this main character. Her care should become my care and her fears my fears, but I'm feeling absolutely nothing.

-Apart from that unfortunate aspect, the author's writing voice is not bad. And her style of writing is pretty easy to read and understand.

-I spoke too soon.
excerpt: [...flat holding old fashioned furniture]

- *screams* what? Are we carelessly giving flats human attributes now? I know personification exists but this is a bit atrocious. Fix it, woman! (-1)

-I'm seeing more grammatical errors in almost every paragraph but i can't afford to pinpoint all of them. I'm not your editor. Get one, or edit this work yourself. For the love of God.

*keeps scrolling*

*screeches to a halt*

I'm TIRED! Excerpt: [that was my flat that i was going to embrace]

-Repetition! Repetition! God! Fix it! (-2)

-Correction: [that was my flat, and I was going to embrace it]

-Oh, wow. So Perrie enters her flat, finds the windows open, and hears someone using her bathroom. She's "worried" a burglar broke into her home and she's being robbed yet the way the writer is narrating the scene it feels like she merely walked in on her dog making a mess of her bed or something. There's no real alarm! Nothing that makes me fear for her. Obviously, from the blurb, we know that she's not being robbed, but SHE DOES NOT KNOW THAT! so make her fear real! CONVINCE us of her alarm, make us think we're wrong about our own assumptions of her safety. Make it dramatic. Make the readers feel something! Christ! I'm drained. (-3)

- Huh. So apparently, Perrie is a dummy. Consider this: excerpt: [she stood by the exit door to be able to escape in case the robber wants to hurt her] The sentence structure is wrong, and you've mixed your tenses btw, but that's not my point. Perrie thinks she's being robbed yet instead of hightailing it out of there, she stands by the door exist to make a phone call? And the person she actually thinks to call first is the ex owner of the house and not the police? Wow. This is what privilege looks like, guys. When you haven't been through squat in your life, a robbery becomes so foreign you behave like an alien.

- The author needs to improve on her descriptions. Like, a lot. Her writing style is tolerable, but for the most part, I'm squirming.
Excerpt: [the usual phone's lady]

-No. Just no.

-Suggestion: [the operator]

-Excerpt: [ excuse me? Your flat?] I feel like this line would've been executed more effectively if you'd put "your" in italics. You know, that thing that makes text slant? Yeah, befriend it.

-The paragraph that starts with "Burglars were taking it to the next level..." should be deleted off the face of the earth. Or reconstructed. Whatever. I just never want to see it again. The idea behind it is reasonable, but the execution is so poor i want to call for my mother. (-3)

-Excerpt: ["A panic attack was close to hitting me]

*blinks*

*rubs eye*

*blinks again*

-I don't think i have to explain why this sentence is everything wrong w freedom of speech. please, don't make me do it. Please. (-2)

-Lemao. Perrie says Dave can't be a burglar bc he would be too dumb to be one as the house was too cheap -- suggesting that burglars have principles, or that they only rob wealthy people. *cackles* The privileged mindset is so much i'm seeing visions. More to the point, i hate this exposition. (-5)

-Excerpt: [he gave me that look that asked me whether i was dumb or had something wrong in my brain]

*dies a little*

-I need to stop looking at these grammatical errors or this author will run out of points before you finish reading this sentence. Or is it already too late? Can't tell. I'm dying.

- oh dear God, there's an awkward scene where Perrie is describing whatshisface's bare, wet chest and how the towel is the only thing keeping him from being truly nude. The writer is so clearly trying to establish chemistry here but its failing fantastically. I'm cringing and I want out!

-Excerpt: [ his feet wore cheap slippers]

*stares into the abyss* What? Is this author even trying? Wow, okay. Could've simply framed this sentence in a less abominable way but clearly, you hate me and want me to suffer. Fix this mess! Now!!! (-2)

-I'm too dead to go any further. This chapter needs some major editing. It's not a lost cause, but it's so below average. There's potential and the writer has a clear voice. But she has no hold whatsoever on sensory details or exposition. Execution matters, folks! You could have a masterpiece of an idea but if your execution is shit, it becomes garbage! You need to get an editor, or better yet, improve on your descriptive skills before you cause heart attacks.

Overview of Characters:

- Perrie, "the model": She needs to be more fleshed out bc from what i glimpsed in chapter one, she's a flat character, and her thinking process ticks me off. Being in her head is the worst thing that ever happened to me and I'm glad its over.

-Dave whatshisface: For a minute, i forgot his name lemao. He's also up there w Perrie. Dumb. Excerpt: [this is my flat that you stepped feet in. If you don't apologize this instant and leave, i'm afraid I'll have to call security] Yeah, very dumb. But you see, it works. They're a match made in heaven. *gags*

Dialogue: Not great. Doesn't flow naturally. Seems forced. (-1)

Grammar: I think we all know where i stand on this. The grammar is a cry for help. It's not poor, but it stuns me to silence every now and then. The writer has a fairly good grip on English but its a far cry from what's acceptable. Ya'll almost witnessed my death, man. So yeah, no. She needs to work on her grammar, syntax, diction, description, and exposition skills.

-I'll input those i can't possibly ignore below. Along with corrections bc i'm generous!

- Excerpt: [Never have to hear mum scream shames again]

-Poor diction. You don't scream shames. A better sentence would be: [Never have to be ridiculed by mom again]

- Excerpt: [but that all didn't bother me]

-Syntax issue: Correction: [but all of that didn't bother me]

- Excerpt: [i gasped to myself, thinking whether I was experiencing my first robbery incident]

- Again, diction. Substitute "wondering' for 'thinking". Thank you, kindly.

- Excerpt: [I went back on my tracks]

*Rubs temple*

-Correction; [i retraced my steps]

-Excerpt: ["Security? Too much for merely wanting to enjoy my first day...]

Correction: [So much for merely...]

Excerpt: [Knocking nonstop]
Missing dash.

- correction: [non-stop]

Excerpt: [Shoved it to my face.

Correction; [Shoved it in my face]

-That's all I can manage, sis. I'm drained. (-2)

Inconsistencies: I'm too drained to remember.

- nevermind, I just thought of something. Perrie and Dave believe they are each sole tenants/owners of the flat which means it must have been stipulated in the contract (?) If so, they could sue the ex owner for breach of contract and be compensated for their troubles. Problem solved. They don't have to share the flat.

- But I don't know the contents of the contract or how land/contract law works where they live so you can simply ignore this speech.

Likes/Dislikes:

-I like the name Perrie. It sounds french and it's unique.

-I like that the chapter is short.

-Pretty sure i dislike everything else.

When I stopped reading: You ran out of points halfway into Chapter 1. But i read till the end and even started chapter two because I wanted to see if my feelings would change.

It did not.

Final thoughts: Sis, needs to work on her descriptions... and a host of other things. I suggest reading works of people who can actually write.

Everyone of us needs to work on something. And the fact that you asked for help is admirable and tells me there's still hope. So... We have that at least.

Goodluck on your writing journey!

* Collapses *