"how does someone so loving, learn to hate her own guts?"

"there WAS a girl in the front of my class, who yesterday took the breath that was her last"

"another empty bottle takes a life"

"dont send me to your therapist"

"these wounds won't seem to heal, the pain is just too real"

"and how masking of your feelings is a secret art"

hello

me again

surprisingly enough i want to keep writing on this book

i want to talk to you guys about what has happened in the past hour.

- i tried to shoot my shot (they probably never got it)

- i let my friend rant to me about his problems while reflecting over my own

- i WAS listening to chill and happy songs

- those turned into a depression playlist

- a tsunami of depression hit me hard

- i actually genuinely cried for the first time and it proved to me that i have feelings but now i cant stop and i just ugh

let's start from the first one; i tried to shoot my shot

so my friend was talking to me about his love problems and it made me want to shoot my shot with someone

i dont think they ever got my message but oh well

ill skip the one where my friend rants because those are super personal to him but i'll just talk about my own:

i started thinking about my own death and how it would affect everyone around me

i said some people wouldn't care and he said he could be upset

that made my mood a bit lighter

but then i started thinking about how it would affect my best friend and began to break down

she's the best thing that has happened to me and i realized if i die she would die inside too

she would probably get constantly reminded of me and probably wouldn't be able to cope

then i realized that this one person would spill all my secrets that i said to them and ruin my rep while i died

it would probably cause a whole assembly to happen because it's a student's suicide and just guhgcg you know

and then i realized that there's person that i help feel better whenever she's upset because i let her rant and i comfort her and that might make her feel even worse

and then i thought of my family members

my mom wouldnt probably get over it fast because this would be the second member of her own family that has died (the first being my father)

my brother wouldnt be affected as much because we dont talk a lot

i dont know how my other family members would act

and then my internet friends who i care for aka looney_loona parkjihyos niftynayeon and possibly somr others

oh my god im crying even harder

i cant finish this

i cant type through the tears

im sorry guys

i need to calm down right now but i just cant

another juge wave of depression just hit

i just