Chapter 10: How Are You the Responsible Figure Between Us Right Now?
Gerard was peddling down Halstead street with Frank on the bike behind him. Wayne had insisted that Gerard take him back and that he would bring Frank's bike. They had argued for ages about it until Frank had doubled over in pain. Gerard wasn't sure how Wayne would get two bikes home at one time, but Wayne had insisted he had a plan. They peddled over the end of Halstead street and onto the dirt road that leads to the Jackson farm.
They continued to push faster and Gerard could feel Frank's arms around him tighten when he went faster. Gerard was surprised to find the gate to the farm was open and peddled through without stopping. They rode up to the Jackson house and saw Wayne and Frank's bikes leaning up against the house. Gerard was bewildered as they came to a stop. He waited for Frank to get off before he put his bike by the other two and looked at Frank. Frank was barely able to stand up. He was standing hunched over, arms around himself and his face distorted in pain and discomfort.
"C'mon, Frankie." Gerard whispered quietly, "Let's go inside." Frank turned and Gerard put his arms around the shivering omega, guiding him towards the barn. They walked at Frank's slow pace and Gerard kept him upright with incredible patience that surprised even himself. He knew Frank was going into heat now. He could smell it rolling off of him in waves. It was an intense smell that Gerard hadn't expected to be so strong. Yes, he knew how Frank smelled and how much it affected him during his rut, but now that it was starting to change because of his heat, it was becoming a different type of smell.
He couldn't pinpoint what it was that was changing but all he could figure out was that the smell was deeper. It was stronger and it was a lot heavier somehow. Something about the scent suddenly urged and oozed sex, and Gerard was so glad that Frank didn't always smell like that or he'd go mad. Gerard opened the barn door just enough to let Frank inside before he closed it and helped the omega get into the loft.
Frank instantly dropped onto the mattress with a groan, rolling onto his stomach and then onto his back. Gerard reached down to help him out of his sodden clothing and put the wet material up on a rafter to dry off. Frank's entire body was coated in a sticky sweat and he was bright pink in the face and chest. His pupils were blown so wide that his irises were almost completely gone. His wet hair was sticking to his forehead.
"What can I do?" Gerard asked curiously and Frank bit his lip and looked around.
"The room's too big." Frank croaked and Gerard looked around awkwardly, frowning and scratching his ear.
"Well, jeez, Frankie. I dunno how to renovate a barn to make it smaller." Gerard looked down at Frank, "I'm not a contractor."
"No, I just... it's too much space. I don't feel safe." Frank sat up, "It's too open."
"What do you need?"
"Do you think Wayne would lend me some blankets?" Frank was about to get up when Gerard put his hand on the omegas shoulder, stopping him.
"I got it. You stay here."
Frank looked up in shock, his eyes wide with fear, "You're leaving me alone?"
"I have to." Gerard bit his lip, "But just for a second. You can even come and watch me by the window. I'll run in and get some blankets and be right back."
"I..." Frank looked unsure before he nodded but didn't make a move to get up, "Not going near the window. Too open. I'll... I'll wait here."
Gerard nodded and turned to run out. He opened the door to the barn and purposefully closed it as loudly as he could to show Frank that he was safe inside. Gerard ran up to the front door and opened it, peering inside, "Wayne?"
"Yeah?" Wayne's voice sounded from his bedroom, "Gee?"
"Yeah, it's just me." Gerard walked in and looked around at the cozy wooden walls and all of the homestyle furnishings that looked so inviting.
Wayne appeared in the hallway with his hands in his pockets, "What's up? How's Frank?"
"He's gone into heat." Gerard whispered, "Says it's my fault. I mean I guess it could be but I think it's also because he- Getting off track." Gerard stopped himself and gestured with his hands to slow down, "Frank wants blankets."
"Oh," Wayne smiled, "He's already nesting?"
"Guess so." Gerard commented as he followed Wayne down the hallway. They walked into a guest bedroom where Wayne opened a linen closet.
"Did he say how many?" Wayne asked and Gerard shrugged, holding his arms out, "Well, if he's nesting then it's probably a lot."
"Probably." Gerard agreed as Wayne began piling blankets in Gerard's arms. After the sixth blanket, Wayne bent down to look in the closet before he straightened up.
"Unless he wants me to start stripping the beds, I'm afraid that's all I have." Wayne ran a hand over his short hair, "Sorry."
"I'm sure it's more than enough." Gerard smiled and they walked back out into the hallway, "Thanks a bunch, DeWayne."
"Don't forget to have him hydrated." Wayne replied, "He needs a lot more sustenance than you do."
"I'll bring him water as much as I can." Gerard nodded, "We'll be fine."
"Okay. Well, if you need anything else..." Wayne trailed off as he opened the front door for Gerard and escorted him onto the porch, "You're welcome to anything we have."
"Thanks." Gerard looked up at the barn to see the very top of Frank's head and his eyes poking out from the window with his hands holding onto the sill. He let out a small laugh and looked at Wayne, "I'd better go."
"Before he goes into a full panic, yeah." Wayne smiled and watched as Gerard ran off toward the barn. Gerard used his elbow to open the door and once he was inside he dropped the blankets into the loft doorway. He turned to close the barn door and decided to lock it with the chain hatch for Frank's sake. He turned to see the pile of blankets had disappeared from the door and he could hear rustling inside.
"Do you need any help or should I wait out here until you're done?" He called out and heard Frank continue to mess around with the blankets.
"Wait." Frank called out, "I don't want you to mess it up yet."
"No offense taken." Gerard chuckled and began wandering around in the barn, messing around with the structural pillars and the piles of hay that had been neatly pushed aside. He pulled a cigarette out of his pocket and lit it with a match, shaking it once he had his cigarette sufficiently embered. He took in a deep inhale and held it, exhaling through his nose as he wondered about Frank.
The loft itself wasn't very big in the first place. It went up from the barn floor with the ladder onto a landing. The landing was just off of the barn but still had storage beneath it. It wasn't very tall and Gerard could barely stand up straight in some places. And it only had one window. The loft itself only had two walls. One was the wall with the window above their mattress and the other wall with the door around the steps. The other sides were open and went down to the barn. Gerard could definitely see how Frank could feel unsafe.
Gerard decided not to peek at Frank's work until he was ready to show it off. Even if the omega was in heat, he was still Frank, and Frank was meticulous when it came to the things he made. Gerard could hear blankets being unfurled and shaken out, and he could hear wood creaking and soft footsteps. At one point he even heard chains rattling and being pulled. He sucked on the cigarette again and exhaled, ashing on the floor casually, ignoring it all for as long as possible. He went to the far edge of the barn to have a look at some of the tools that were on the wall, making the executive decision not to tell Frank that the tools were there just in case. The poor omega would probably keel over from an aneurysm.
"Okay." Frank's voice called out, and Gerard turned to look at the door, surprised when he noticed it was a lot darker in the loft. He took one last puff of his cigarette before he stomped it out under his shoe and exhaled the smoke out quickly. He kicked the cigarette butt aside and walked up the steps to peer in, instantly taken aback.
Frank had draped a single blanket over the one side that was direct to the left, hanging it over the chains there and tucking the end under a crate to create a makeshift wall. He had also hung a smaller blanket over the window to darken part of the room significantly. It also gave everything a soft hue. Frank had pushed the mattress into the far corner and it seemed forgotten completely as it leaned against a corner pillar. Frank had moved the enormous hay bale into the middle of the room and had hollowed it out into an enormous tire shape. He had draped the blankets over the hay nest in a haphazardly neat fashion. He was sitting right in the middle of the high walls of material and was clutching Gerard's sweatshirt to his chest and was holding it up to his face, his eyes wide and wary.
"Whoa." Was all Gerard whispered as he walked into the loft and looked around. He walked up to the nest and Frank's eyes followed him but he didn't say a word, "You actually made a nest. Out of... Hay. Like. A nest nest. I wasn't expecting that."
Frank didn't reply and Gerard looked at him to see that he was gently nibbling on the shoulder of Gerard's sweatshirt, "Frank, you want me to fuck you in a pile of hay?" Gerard frowned, a small laugh leaving him as he scratched the top of his head, "This isn't 1932."
Frank let out a whine at the mention of what they'd be doing. He leaned back against the wall of the nest with his knees up and looked up at Gerard with hooded eyes. He let out a moan and began rubbing his face into the blankets, one hand reaching out to grip it. Gerard stared at the omega with wide eyes and watched him, realizing that Frank's hips were also lifting and that he was completely hard. The omega's chest was heaving as he opened his legs slowly for Gerard and tilted his head.
"Alpha..." Frank breathed out, "Help me, please."
Gerard swallowed hard, feeling a sudden surge of hormones and a surge of pain that almost knocked him over like a gut punch. He stared at the omega who was writhing and whimpering. He nodded, pulling his t-shirt off and dropping it before he shimmied his sweatpants off and kicked them aside. The omega's eyes widened as he looked at the naked Alpha above him, his eyes lingering on his half-hard length.
Gerard climbed into the nest carefully and sat between Frank's knees. The smell made his head suddenly spin and he gasped out, leaning over the omega to hitch his hips up. The spot where Frank had been sitting was soaked already and Gerard could barely contain the groan that left him. He leaned in, kissing him roughly, relishing in the way Frank instantly kissed back and wrapped his arms around Gerard. He lifted his hips, his legs wrapping around the Alpha to lock at the ankles. He dug his heels into Gerard's spine to pull him down.
Gerard's heart instantly picked up as he shuddered out a heavy breath. His mouth instantly goes down to graze and rub over his omega's neck. Frank's head tilted to the side automatically, his throat vibrating as he whimpered incessantly for Gerard. His mind suddenly broke into a chorus of realization when Frank started grinding up against him. This wasn't the first time the little wolf had been like this; Gerard wasn't the first Alpha that Frank had been with and taken - He'd been with Tyler. Gerard instantly sat up and looked down at the omega, watching him roll and pant and whine at the loss of contact. Gerard couldn't help but gaze in wonder at how beautiful Frank was like this, how pure and perfectly omega he was. He let out a small growl and pinned Frank's wrists to the top of the nest.
"Hey." He barked out and Frank whined, looking up at his Alpha with innocent eyes, "You're mine now. I'm the only one helping you. You're gonna take me and only me. From now on it's just me."
Frank let out a whine, nodding vehemently, "Only you. Only Alpha. Promise." Gerard smiled down at his omega, a small purring howl leaving him as he dipped his head and began mouthing at his throat, sucking on sensitive spots that had Frank hiccupping and gasping.
"Please." Frank moaned out then as he tried to reach between them, his fingertips just barely grazing the base of Gerard's dick, "Fuck me. Please. It hurts."
Gerard closed his eyes, the words bouncing through his skull. He took his dick in his hand as the other braced itself on the high wall of Frank's nest. The needy omega's legs opened instinctively and he lifted himself up. Gerard pushed in, groaning at how wet Frank was for him. The instant slide of his dick into Frank was so different from the resistance he had felt the night before. The young omega let out a loud moan, his head thrown back and his chest lifted as his hips already began to move. Gerard let go of his dick and held Frank's hips down against the bed of the nest to keep him still. He whined unhappily and opened his eyes to see Gerard scowling down at him, "What? Is this not good enough?"
"More..." Frank replied breathlessly, "More, Alpha. Please."
Gerard set his knees down properly as he hiked Frank's legs higher and thrust his hips forward, burying himself to the hilt in one powerful stroke. Frank gasped out in relief, his nails scraping down Gerard's arms before they gripped his back. Gerard let out a snarl and began to move his hips, sliding his dick in and out quickly. Frank was a mess already, gasping and sputtering as his eyes squeezed shut. His body caved instantly and he came all over himself in a few seconds, spurting over his stomach as he clenched and shook around Gerard. The Alpha was panting heavily, his muscles tense beneath the surface of his fevered skin. Frank didn't even seem to notice his first orgasm, his body still rocking with Gerard's thrusts, meeting him every single time as his hands scrambled to find purchase.
"Fuck- Fuck-" Frank gasped out loudly, "Yeah, oh-" Gerard lifted Frank's legs up like he had done the night before, Frank's ankles locking around his neck, as he picked up the pace of his hips. Frank screamed out, his body jerking upward as Gerard hit his prostate dead-on in a powerful stroke. His eyes flew open and let out a yelp. Gerard pushed his omega back down against the blankets and put a strong arm down against Frank's chest.
"Oh- Oh, fuck, please. Pleasepleaseplease." Frank called out, the slick sound of his body taking Gerard in was visceral and disgusting. It was pure filth that neither one seemed to be able to live without. Gerard couldn't even comprehend the feeling of how the needy wolf felt around him, the exquisite heat that encased his dick and the slick slide against his deepest walls. Frank reached up, whining desperately, and began to push Gerard until he sat up with a frown, his hips slowing but not stopping. Frank sat up and slowly pulled off of Gerard before he pushed again, wordlessly, his entire body clouded with lust. Gerard frowned at Frank, trying to understand what he was doing. It was when he forcibly climbed onto Gerard's lap that he understood.
"Oh, fuck, okay," Gerard whispered as he slid down into the nest, his long legs draped over the edge of it as he readjusted on Gerard's lap. Before he could even push back in, Frank let out a groan, grinding down on his dick, sliding back and forth over him as moans left him, "Fuck."
The omega's hips moved faster and his head went back on his shoulders as he came a second time, coming in bursts all over Gerard's stomach and chest as his hands kept him upright, his nails digging into Gerard's shoulders. Frank was instantly whining again, a frown knitting his brows at the lack of intrusion in his body and he looked down at his Alpha with a pout.
"Oh, shit." Gerard breathed, "C'mere. I got you." Frank leaned forward, his breath shaky as he nibbled on Gerard's ear. Gerard grabbed the base of his dick and adjusted, lining himself up with Frank's slick hole that seemed to now be in a constant state of dripping. Gerard's thighs were already soaked. The moment Frank felt Gerard push against him, he sat up, sliding down and taking Gerard's entire dick in one swift movement. They both cried out at the overwhelming wave of pleasure and Gerard's eyes snapped shut. He put his hands on Frank's hips to give them a squeeze and Frank was already moving.
His hips bounced quickly, his body jumping as he rose and fell over Gerard's dick. The pace that he set for himself was excruciatingly fast and Gerard's entire stomach locked up in one pure tense wall of muscle. His mouth fell open as his head went back, his body hyper-focused on the omega that was rabbit-riding him within an inch of his life.
"Fuck-" Frank cried out, his hips rutting forward as Gerard lifted his own body up, striking a new angle inside the omega, "Fuck. More. Moremoremore."
Gerard began to pick himself up, his knees lifting up as Frank dug his fingers into Gerard's ribs. Frank's entire body was rolling with small beads of sweat, sweat that was mingling with his pure sex secretions. Gerard reached a hand up and wrapped it around Frank's dick, jerking him off quickly as he fucked himself on Gerard.
Frank came a third time, screaming out in an almost silent yelp as his body stuttered and shook, his hips moving at blinding speed as he rode out his heavy climax again. He faltered, his weak arms dropping him down from his sitting position. Gerard put a hand on Frank's lower back and forcibly pushed him down. Frank cried out in fright as the other arm was put on his back. Gerard's fingers were threaded into Frank's damp hair and he held the omega's face in his neck as he began rutting his hips up quickly into the omega.
Frank screamed out, his voice breaking with an exquisite sob as Gerard fucked into him quickly. The pace was just as rough and brutal as it had been only a few hours before but now it was so different. It was heavier, fuller and filthier. There was something about them both being so ready to lock together that had Gerard's body jolt. He could feel the tense numbness in his body start to spark with heat and his knot was already forming. He gasped out, the tense sensation of Frank's wet hole pressing against his forming knot had him snarling.
"Please. Breed me- fuck me- oh, fuck-" Frank babbled brokenly, his eyes rolling back into his head, his body curling over Gerard to keep him closer, to push their bodies impossibly closer.
"Shit- Oh, God-" Gerard panted out as Frank began biting on his neck, his hips grinding down in quick bursts as Gerard snapped upwards. Frank cried out when Gerard's thick knot caught on his rim, his body lurching and he ground down to try and push Gerard into him.
"Yes-" Frank cried out breathily, "Oh, fuckfuckfuck. Please. Alpha, knot me. Breed me. Fill me up- fuck. All yours. Yes- Oh, shit-" Frank babbled brokenly as Gerard's knot slipped in and out of him a second time. Gerard started to push Frank down against him when his eyes opened in surprise. He yelped out and lifted Frank up, forcibly pushing the omega off of his dick. Frank cried out at the sudden loss and scrambled back toward Gerard to climb onto him again.
Gerard let out a small growl as he held his arm out and climbed back, "Frank stop." Frank didn't even seem to hear him, his mouth dripping with desperate saliva as he tried to literally climb onto Gerard and have himself knotted. Frank slipped from Gerard's grip and he pushed the Alpha over, "Hey! Frank, no."
Frank ground himself down on Gerard, whining as he tried to wordlessly persuade Gerard to knot him. Gerard rolled them both over and he pinned Frank down, watching the omega squirm, "Stay still, you little shit."
Frank growled as he tried to wiggle free, his hand reaching down to stroke Gerard roughly. Gerard's thighs trembled at the touch and his head fell forward, a gasp leaving him. God, what he wouldn't give to knot Frank right there. Just bury himself into the omega and fill him up the way his natural instincts wanted him to.
"Please. Please. I'll be so good. I'll make you come in me, Alpha." Frank whined as he wrapped his legs around Gerard, "Fuck me. Fuck me. Alpha, please. Knot me."
"Jesus H, Frank." Gerard sat up and was surprised when Frank wrapped his arms around his neck to try and keep him down, "I have a new fucking respect for Tyler. How the fuck did- did he wrangle you like this. Ow- Frank, that's my ear!"
Frank let out a groan as his teeth tugged on Gerard's ear, his hips lifting up to grind against Gerard. Gerard felt Frank's hand sliding over his length and his heavy resolve began to waver. Frank pressed his leaking hole up against Gerard, who slid in slowly. They both panted and gasped at the feeling of tight pulling and the full density and weight of Gerard. He pushed his hips in and out of Frank slowly, watching every stroke as it unraveled Frank just a little bit more each time.
Gerard pressed himself against Frank, grinding his knot against his omega's slick rim and Frank instantly rutted up to try and push Gerard into him. The Alpha let out a snarl of annoyance as he pushed Frank down, growling and snapping his teeth. Frank let out a whine, the tears in his eyes welling up as he submitted to his Alpha.
"Don't fucking do that." Gerard snapped at the omega, "I'm not going to knot you."
Frank let out a whine and Gerard instantly felt guilty in the back of his brain, feeling it tingle down into his neck. He sighed out, lifting Frank's knees up into the crooks of his elbows before he pulled out and shoved himself back in quickly. Frank's whole body jerked and he cried out with relief. He reached up, tugging at his own hair before his hand went down to jerk himself off. Gerard watched him, his lips parted and eyes wide as he stared. His hips thrust in and out with a shallow rhythm, feeling the heavy coil of his release building faster as Frank's own orgasm seemed to be right around the corner. Frank screamed out as Gerard angled up, watching Frank come all over himself for the fourth time. His body was lurching in heavy waves as he desperately rode himself on Gerard's dick. He let go of himself as Gerard pulled out.
Gerard let out a staccato moan as he came over Frank's flushed and sweaty body, coating him in thick bursts of rutted release that mingled with his own come. Gerard stroked himself off only a few times before the oversensitive tingles had him stop. He opened his bleary eyes, the waves of electricity sparking down to his fingers and toes as a smile spread across his lips. But Frank looked utterly miserable, with visible tracks of tears down his cheeks.
"Oh, c'mon. Is that going to be your face after every time we have sex?" Gerard ran a hand through his hair and tried to push it off of his face. Frank shrugged, pouting as he looked away. Gerard lifted Frank's leg and climbed out from between them to lay beside Frank, "C'mon. Lay with me, Frankie."
"Why would you wanna lay with me?" Frank sat up and wiped himself off with a towel, "You don't even wanna knot me."
Gerard let out a groan and closed his eyes, he grabbed Frank by the shoulder and pulled him down so that Frank was lying by his side, his face still sullen, "Don't be like that. You know why I won't knot you."
"No, I don't." Frank shrugged, "Why wouldn't you?"
"Frankie." Gerard snorted and ran his fingers over Frank's bright red cheek, "We've barely spent this time together. We've been dating for a day and also... We're only nineteen."
"So?" Frank asked out, sounding offended, "So, what?"
"So..." Gerard sat up and looked down at Frank, "I'm in a rut and you're in heat. You're practically fucking ovulating and my sperm is so ripe that I could populate the town by jizzing in the water supply. If I knotted you now, we'd be fucked and you know it."
"Oh..." Frank whispered and a heavy frown settled in his brows, "So, it's because you don't want to have a litter? It's not because you don't want me?"
Gerard's eyes widened and his head whipped back to look at Frank with genuine horror, "You think that?" Gerard asked quietly and Frank shrugged and looked somewhere else, fiddling nervously with one of the blanket hems, "Jesus Christ, Frankie."
"What?" Frank asked flippantly as Gerard took out another cigarette and the lighter he had found lying nearby, "Was I accurate?"
Gerard put his cigarette down before he leaned over and pushed Frank gently into the blankets, hovering over him with his Alpha weight. He looked Frank dead in the eye as he pressed himself against Frank's hip, "If I didn't want you, I wouldn't be here. At all. I spent nineteen years as a fucking virgin because I didn't see anyone I wanted. And then I fucking opened my eyes and saw that what I wanted was right in front of me. You don't know how hard it is- how much self-control it takes for me to not breed you every single time. God, Frankie."
Frank stared up at him with his eyes wide, a shaky breath leaving him, he seemed genuinely surprised, "Really?"
"Don't ask me to repeat it." Gerard grimaced, "It's hard enough to gather my thoughts once. But it's true. All of it. Everything I do to you and for you isn't because I have to. It's because I want to. And the only thing I'm not doing for you is because I know that deep down you aren't ready."
"What?" Frank frowned and sat up a bit, staring at Gerard with genuine confusion.
"I know some people are okay with mating and knotting at this age. I know some people have already had a litter, but you're not them. You were pissed with yourself yesterday because you were okay with me knotting you. I know you want it and God knows, I also do. But I can't if it means I'm going to put us in a situation where we both aren't ready."
"How are you the responsible figure between us right now?" Frank asked incredulously.
"Hey, I may be an asshole and I may be immature but I will be a force of responsibility when it comes to you. No one will hurt you or do anything to you ever again." Gerard snarled deeply and Frank stared up at him with wide eyes.
"You really mean that." Frank's voice was just above a whisper. It wasn't a question.
"We don't live together, neither of us has a job or means of support. I can't just knot you if it means that I'm going to fuck us over." Gerard sighed, "It fucking sucks."
"It does." Frank whispered, "I've never wanted anything so bad in my life... Not even when- Uh..." Frank trailed off and cleared his throat, stopping himself.
"What?"
"No, never mind."
"Frank, tell me."
"No, Gerard."
"Hey, if I had to try and string literal sentences together that had to include my feelings... Then you have to do the same." Gerard poked Frank on the forehead and the omega scowled darkly at him.
"It felt different, okay?" Frank snapped as he sat up and pulled his knees to his chest, "With you it's different. When I was with Tyler... It was great. He did everything I needed-"
"He didn't knot you, right?" Gerard asked and he felt a growl bubble in his chest but Frank shook his head.
"No, he didn't. He didn't even try." Frank admitted, "But he did help me every time I needed him and... Even then, it wasn't like this. It didn't feel as... Intense."
"Intense?"
"Every time we've fucked, granted it's only been twice, but both times you've dicked me so hard that I started crying," Frank stated bluntly and Gerard let out a weird choked sound.
"What?!"
"I've had to choke back literal sobs because your dick makes me feel like I'm about to die in the best way possible. It's like revving to the point where it's too much and as soon as I'm about to explode, you take me to a place I can't even describe." Frank whispered, "And it's so good that- that I can't ever get enough. I don't even know why. Like yeah, sex is awesome and yeah, your dick is enormous but... It's something else."
Gerard could feel color flood his cheeks and go up into his ears as he adjusted his glasses, "Really?"
"Oh, my God, yes." Frank sighed out and lay back down against the wall of his nest, "I don't understand it."
"Hey, Frankie?"
"Yeah?"
"Do you think..." Gerard cleared his throat and looked around nervously, "Like... Do you think, uh-"
"What?"
"Do you think it's gonna rain?" Gerard suddenly piped up and internally cursed himself for being a coward. Frank looked at him with genuine concern and he sat up as Gerard quickly lit a cigarette to calm just jittery nerves.
"Gerard, it's summer. In the middle of a drought." Frank scoffed, "What's with you?"
"Felt like it was gonna rain." Gerard shrugged and looked down at his lap and felt like he was gonna punch himself in the face as he held the cigarette between two spindly fingers and took a drag. It wasn't what he was gonna say, but suddenly, the idea of being up the 'S' word seemed way too heavy, way too much, and seemingly impossible.
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