Hindi pa rin sapat

•••

Last time I check, we were just fine talking to each other. Then suddenly, he wasn't even online anymore. I felt like I've been ghosted by someone who's still alive and breathing. Also, midterm had come and passed. Finals is coming to us soon.

"Iyong kambal at si Lycka, mukhang may problema pa yata kayo sa isang subject, ah? Graduating na kayo! Nako, nako, nako ayaw niyo ba grumaduate? Hindi ba kayo nahihiya sa magulang niyo, ha? Ayus-ayusin niyo 'yang buhay niyo! Mga babae pa naman kayo!" sambit ni Sir Jolo sa grupo ni Lycka.

Hindi halos makatingin sila Lycka kay sir. Syempre sino ba naman ang makakatingin sa kaniya kung patuloy niyang ipapahiya ang mga estudyante niya ng ganiyan? Sir Jolo is funny at may sense of humor pero minsan 'yong jokes niya is way off the line at nakakapersonal. Hindi naman lahat ng estudyante insensitive gaya niya, katulad na lang ni Lycka at 'yong kambal naming kaklase.

Katabi ko silang tatlo, nakaupo kami sa dulo, kunwari may sinusulat na kung ano-ano tungkol sa docu.

"Ayusin niyo na 'yan agad, kung gusto niyo makagraduate on-time at makatulong na sa mga magulang niyo at hindi kayo palaging umaasa sa kanila. Gawin niyo na 'yon, huwag kayong ta-tamad tamad!" patuloy na sambit ni sir sa harap ng klase.

Four years in university and I have seen students crying in the comfort room, roofdeck, gymnasium and other corner of this place. University is cruel. The snake culture, sick teachers, family problems, GPA and anxiety, for the future to take away all of your happiness and kill your will to live. The saddest thing I have ever seen.

And I know Lycka, she's weak. Kinikimkim niya lang pero I know she's been thinking too much sa mga sinabi ni sir sa kanila. If only Sir Jolo would be a little nicer and considerate. Somehow he could have approach them personally at kinausap sila tungkol dito hindi 'yong i-a-announce mo sa buong klase ang tungkol sa bagsak nila at sila lang ang may posibilidad na hindi maka-graduate. Nakakahiya kasi 'yon, nakakawala ng self-confidence...ng self-esteem. Nakakababa ng sarili.

"Hindi 'yon totoo, tinatakot lang niya kayo." sambit ko sa kanila.

Pero hindi sila kumibo at ngumiti na lang. If only I could read minds...siguro nalaman ko na kung ano talaga ang totoo nilang iniisip, so that I could comfort them right.

"Mukhang magiging busy ako lalo hangga't hindi pa namin nalalaman 'yong grade namin sa kupal na subject na 'yon." sabi ni Lycka na medyo natatawa, pinipilit.

"Kung kailangan mo ng tulong nandito lang ako." sambit ko sa kaniya.

"Lagi ka naman nandiyan...'di ba?"

I nodded and smiled at her. At this time, Lycka needed a friend and I'm that friend.

Kasama ko ang mga kaibigan ko sa cafeteria at nakita ko sila Jaq sa paborito nilang puwesto. Hindi ko alam kung i-a-aproach ko ba siya kasi bigla na lang siya nahinto sa pagkaka usap sa akin. But the weird thing about being an ambivert is that, there's a part of you na extrovert...kaya nilapitan ko siya.

"Heeeey!" bati ko sa kanila.

I look at Jaq. He looked like a mess. Para bang ilang araw siyang hindi natutulog at para siyang may sakit.

"Medyo stressed si Jaq ngayon, hindi mo ba siya bibigyan ng motivation?" sambit ni Niccolo sa akin.

Sinubukan kong mag-isip...I didn't expect this to come. Hindi pa naman ako nakapag search kagabi ng something motivational and inspiring quote puro cheesy pick-up lines lang.

Buti na lang at nakita ko 'yong quotes for life na nakadikit sa pader. Hindi ko pinahalata na binabasa ko 'yon at dahil do'n, pinuri nila ako kahit na medyo nandaya ako kaya umamin na lang ako at natawa sila.

"Pero if words of wisdom para kay Jaq..." this time, I really think hard to form words that could satisfy him to keep living.

"Nothing is permanent in this wicked world. Not even our troubles. Kaya cheer up, Jaq. God doesn't give us what we can handle, God helps us handle what we are given." I said straight into his eyes then gave him a bright smile after.

And his just sitting there, staring back at me with no clear emotions. I really wonder what I look like in his eyes.

•••

Ilang araw na naman na walang paramdam si Jaq at si Lycka sa akin. Ayos lang kaya sila?

"Si John daw pala iniwan ng asawa niya sumama sa ibang lalaki, buti 'yong dalawang anak iniwan sa kaniya." pagkukwento ni mama sa sala, naghuhugas kasi ako ng pinggan.

"Chismosa ka po?" pabulong kong sambit para hindi nila marinig.

"Heartbroken 'yon!" saad ni papa.

Kapitbahay namin 'yong pinagkukwentuhan nila. May eksena kasi sa labas kanina, ang ingay. Ayon pala nagmamakaawa 'yong lalaki sa babae na huwag siyang iwan. Kawawa naman.

I never been in love, so I have never had my heart broken in that way, pero just because a person hasn't broken my heart, hindi ibigsabihin no'n I haven't been heartbroken. Kasi I think, we break our own hearts. It always come to my mind na maybe no one breaks our heart except for ourselves? In the end, we are our own worst enemy, living in a non-ending cycle of dislike towards ourselves.

If only kuya john had thought that he's only breaking his own heart more when he wants to let his wife stay when she already isn't in love with him. Love can make a person crazy, indeed.

Nights are really not the same kapag hindi ko nakakausap si Jaq. Tinadtad ko na siya ng chats pero hindi pa rin siya nag o-online. Kahit isa walang reply.

"Ano kaya problema nito? Wala ba siyang load?"

Of course hindi ko siya papaloadan, wala pa nga kaming label! Hindi naman ako gano'n katanga sa pag-ibig!

Masyadong peaceful ang gabing ito and it actually gives me anxiety. Paano kung may masamang mangyari bukas? Dalawang araw na lang birthday ko na? Paano kung sa birthday ko may masamang mangyari?

"Hay ano bang iniisip mo Sining, Stop it!"

Hindi siguro lalala ang anxiety ko kung meron lang kaming alaga sa bahay. If only hindi lang talaga dog and cat hater si papa, nag adopt na ako ng maraming aso't pusa na makita ko sa kalye.

Binagsak ko ang sarili ko sa aking kama. Nakatingin lang ako sa mataas na kisame, nagmumuni-muni, nakatingin sa kawalan at tahimik lang. Minsan, ang hirap din maghanap ng rason para mabuhay.

"Baka kaya mataas ang kisame namin dahil advance mag-isip si papa?" I asked myself and laughed.

Actually, the bravest thing that I ever did was continuing my life when I wanted to die. Naalala ko pa nga dati no'ng sobrang pagod na ako at gustong-gusto ko ng mamatay biglang sumigaw si mama mula sa baba ng;

"Sining, bumaba ka na diyan at maghugas ka na! Titigas na 'yong kanin sa mga plato mahihirapan ka ng tagalin 'yan! Dalian mo! Pauwi na 'yong papa mo, maiinis na naman 'yon!"

That time, I was staring at myself in the mirror, tears flowing down on my cheeks. I wanted to kill myself and she was screaming at me to clean the dishes.

"It was just a bad day, Sining. Not a bad life. If no one cheers you up, you cheer yourself up." I told myself that day.

I stood up again and went to my desk, open a blank page on my diary and started writing.

09-17-18

11:48 PM

Dear self,

Snap out of it! Stop searching and thinking for reasons to be upset about! Remind yourself of your blessings. You have everything you need! Change your perspective! This is not a bad life! Those are just bad days! Get over it! You're strong!

ps. i love you.

-Sining.

I closed my diary and went to my bed, took out my phone and started typing a message for Jaq.

Sining Fedeli: Have you reached the point of looking at the sky begging for help?

Seen

I was about to continue my message...

Sining Fedeli: I have.

But decided to delete it. Jaq might think, I want attention. Baka isipin niya na nagpapapansin ako dahil hindi siya nagrereply sa'kin kaya isinantabi ko na lang muna 'yong kalungkutan ko.

I threw my phone on the side of the bed.

"At least ngayon nag online na siya..." sambit ko at nakipagtitigan na naman sa kisame.

"Sa tingin ko, pinagdadamot ng mundo 'yong saya na gusto kong maramdaman..."

Everyday is just 24 hours of me trying to not kill myself. It's hard kaya minsan itinutulog ko na lang. Sleep is the only escape from my dark thoughts pero sa oras na ito hindi ako makatulog.

My eyes were roaming around the room then I saw a little book sa side drawer ko and kinuha ko ito. Binuklat ko ang pahina na may bookmark. I was reading this last month hanggang sa hindi ko na natapos and the highlighted part is my favorite part of it all.

Kinuha ko ulit ang phone ko and started typing the words written in the book para i-send kay Jaq. He might need this.

Sining Fedeli: Free yourself from toxic people, they aren't good for your soul.
They'll feed on your weakness and will use them against you. Slowly remove yourself away from people who exude so much negativity. You deserve to be with people who celebrate your success and light. You have to surround yourself who are genuinely happy with your success.

Sent

But he did not reply.

Seen

•••

Sunday, the day before my birthday at walang masyadong ganap. As per usual sunday lang naman. Went to church with the family without posting it on social media. I don't really quite get other people posting their personal lives on social media, lalo na kapag prayers. Like, may facebook ba ang Diyos? Sa dami-dami ng diyos meron sa buong mundo, ano nga ba ang totoong account niya?

And then, who am I to judge? Hindi naman ako husgado. I'm just a girl in a village sometimes doing alright.

At syempre, naghugas din ako ng pinagkainan naming pagkatapos ng tanghalian.

When Eheads said, "Taga hugas ka raw ng pinggan..." I really felt that.

Humiga ako sa kama, staring contest na naman with the kisame.

"Ayoko ng ganitong buhay, kapag hindi madrama, napaka boring!" sambit ko.

Kanina sa hapagkainan, same scene pa rin. Kakain lang, walang kibuan tapos 'yong mga bagay na gusto nilang makuha ang kanilang bukam-bibig.

"Sana iba na lang naging pamilya ko..."

What if, hindi sila ang naging magulang ko?

What if, hindi naging ganito ang buhay ko?

What if, hindi na lang nila ako pinanganak?

What if, hindi na lang sila nagkakilala?

"Oh God, kung trabaho lang ang pag o-overthink siguro mayaman na ako ngayon..." sabi ko sa sarili ko at nagbuntong hininga.

Pinikit ko na ang aking dalawang mata dahil sa gusto ko ng peace of mind at nangyayari lang 'yon kapag natutulog ako. Matutulog na sana ako, when suddenly my notification rang. A message from Jaq popped on the screen of my phone.

Jaq: Magkita tayo sa park ngayong gabi. 8pm?

It was sudden, akala ko talaga na-ghost zone na ako, tatanggapin ko na sana, eh. Bibitaw na sana ako kaso nagchat siya ulit.

Hindi ko alam kung papayag ba ako o hindi dahil gabi na. Ilang beses na ako tumakas ng bahay baka kapag inulit ko pa ito, palayasin na talaga ako ni papa...

And then, another pop-up message appears.

Lycka Salamanca: Sining...nasaan ka? Hindi ko na alam gagawin ko! Beh, punta ka rito ngayon na, kailangan ko ng kausap!

Bigla na lang ako napaupo sa aking pagkakahiga. Two people wanted me tonight and I never rejected anyone kapag kailangan nila ako. It's hard for me to say No or I can't...at ayon ang matindi kong weakness. Mas lalong mahirap kung tatakas na naman ako. But I have to decide fast, every minute matter lalo na kung 'yong dalawang taong 'to ay mentally unstable.

Risking is part of life kaya tumakas na naman ako. Hindi ko na ginamit 'yong scooter dahil mahirap itakas baka mapansin ni papa na wala ako. Pasok sa kanan, labas sa kaliwa lang naman ulit. Sanay naman na ako sa mga panghuhusga nila kaya kung papagalitan man ako, worth it.

I messaged Lycka first,

Sining Fedeli: Wait lang lycks, may ginagawa pa kasi ako. Later! Wait mo ko! Promise pupuntahan kita!

I decided to go see Jaq first. Hindi ko alam kung tama ba 'yong desisyon ko na piliin siya bago kay Lycka. My mind says go see Jaq first, Lycka will understand.

Pagkadating ko sa park wala pa siya. Maybe I came too early? Tinignan ko ang wrist watch ko, 7:53PM naman na...baka papunta na siya. Umupo ako sa upuan na gawa sa semento at hinintay ang pagpunta niya. Sana hindi ito joke time dahil magagalit talaga ako sa kaniya.

Dumating siya na medyo lagpas na sa alas otso, buti na lang mapagpasensya akong tao at hinintay talaga siya.

"Pasensya na, nahuli ako." bungad niya

Tumayo ako sa pagkakaupo ko and smile at him. Finally, I can talk to him na ulit. Hindi niya na ako ini-snob.

"Ayos ka na ba? Hindi ka na nagpaparamdam sa akin! Nag-alala tuloy ako sa'yo baka ano na nangyari sa'yo!" sambit ko.

"Ano naman mangyayari sa akin? Sabi ko naman sa'yo 'di ba, hindi ako magpapakamatay kasi sabi mo masama 'yon." sambit niya sa akin.

Hindi ko alam kung totoo ba ang sinasabi niya kasi nakasuot na naman siya ng wristband. May tinatago na naman siyang mga hiwa sa palapulsuhan niya at sigurado ako do'n. He cut himself again and I never knew why? He never told me why.

"Masama talaga 'yon...dahil madaming rason para mabuhay pa!" bulalas ko.

"Sining, salamat nga pala, ha?" malumanay niyang bigkas.

"Salamat? Para saan?"

Natulungan ko na ba siya? Hindi pa naman, ah? naglaslas nga siya ulit ng wala akong nagawa para pigilan siya. Bakit siya nagpapasalamat?

"Sa lahat." aniya seryoso, bakas sa mukha niya.

And there, my instinct told me that he has something important to say. Sa tingin ko alam ko na kung saan papunta ito. There are only two options, Hello or Goodbye.

"Naalala mo ba 'yong shinare mo sa akin kagabi na nabasa mo?"

Nakinig lang ako. I want to hear what he wants to say. I know he wanted me to stop chasing him. Alam ko, I can tell. Atsaka I'm an overthinker, I have thought about this many times before na he might not want me pero I still choose to stay.

"Free yourself from toxic people, they aren't good for your soul. Sining, dapat mong palayain 'yong sarili mo sa'kin kasi isa akong toxic na tao." sabi niya habang sinasabi iyon ng diretsang nakatingin sa mga mata ko.

He never doubted. He has decided so fast. It took him only just a day or hours to not choose me...bakit gano'n?

"Ako 'yong problema Sining...at may isang tao na nagsabi sa akin na people are not rehabilitation centers and you're not a therapist. It's not your job to fix damage people, Sining."

It's not my job to fix damage people? So, trying to fix him was a waste of time? O baka naman, he never really sees me trying to save him? Gano'n ba ako hindi kamahal mahal? Did he never really see something in me while staring in my eyes? O baka It's just me who see something in him...

"Hayaan mong ayusin ko ang sarili ko. You're a keeper, Sining. Walang labis, walang duda. You're worth it. You deserve better. You deserve happiness at karapat-dapat ka sa isang tao na magbibigay sa iyo ng parehong pagmamahal na ibinibigay mo...at ang isang taong 'yon ay hindi ako. Sorry. Sorry talaga, kung totoo man ang nararamdaman mo para sa'kin, sorry talaga."

Because you never tried. Hindi mo naman ako sinubukan mahalin. When I was falling for you, you were drowning with thoughts and doubts. If only you tried, Jaq.

I just smiled at him, the usual bright smile that I always let him see.

"Don't decide things on your own, Jaq. Don't suffer by yourself." tangi kong nasabi sa kaniya.

If he had decided to let me go kahit wala pa naman kaming label, then maybe I don't have to refuse kasi sino ba ako sa buhay niya? Wala naman.

I let out a big sigh and looked him straight in the eyes, the usual stare that I always gave him. A stare of adoration.

"Alam mo kasi sining...ikaw 'yong tipo ng babae na walang problema. Ikaw 'yong tipo ng babae na palaging masaya at hinahangaan at alam mo 'yon...ikaw 'yong tipo ng babae na maaaring mapangiti ang sinuman. May kakayahan kang gano'n, kahit hindi mo pa labis na kakilala, mabilis mapalagay 'yong loob mo, eh." sabi niya para medyo gumaan ang loob ko sa mga salitang pambobola niya.

Yes, tama rin naman ang sinabi niya but I am also the girl who is slowly breaking. I am the girl who was drowning in her own thoughts day and night...and I am the girl who kept it bottled up inside pero you never once noticed...no one does. This must be my faith. Nakatadhana yata akong maramdaman ang ganitong klase ng kalungkutan.

Lumapit ako sa kaniya at tinapik-tapik na lamang ang kaniyang balikat at nginitian siya.

"I was so focused on making you happy, that I forgot that I'm supposed to be happy too." sabi ko sa kaniya and smiled for the last time.

I started to walk away, to save myself. If only he could call out my name, just for once, baka tumakbo ako pabalik sa kaniya at yakapin siya ng mahigpit...at magmakaawa na subukan niya akong mahalin pabalik...dahil katulad lang din naman niya ako. Pero hindi niya iyon ginawa...hindi niya sinigaw ang pangalan ko. Hindi niya 'ko kailangan kaya para saan pa ang paglingon?

Ako 'yong nandiyan para sa kaniya pero hindi ako 'yong kailangan niya. And that shit hurts. Lalo na 'yong karibal ko pala ay 'yong sarili niya mismo.

Tears fell from my cheeks and this time, it's not about my parents, it was about him...it was about love.

•••

TBC.