a/n IM BAAAAAACK

sorry i've been on hiatus since @walkingembarrassment  it's been harder to update, my life has been crazy (love life included), i've been working on other fanfics, and i've been lost in ao3... anyways school is boring now that it's almost over so i'm writing in school. Update: didn't finish in school :/

TW: referenced ideas of suicide (super subtle)

August's POV

It worked.

"Hi." She says.

That's all?

I give her a small nod before looking back up at the sky. It's glossy, I don't really know any other word for it. The clouds overlap as if it's a drawing. You can see where one ends and another begins. They look heavy, like they're about to drop. Maybe it will. Probably. And with my luck while I'm still outside.

"You've been watching me," I finally acknowledge. You watched me while I made sure your girlfriend didn't pass out. She could've, honestly, I wasn't paying the best of attention.

"It was inevitable. He was watching you, so I watched him."

"I know."

It's silent for a few seconds. The clouds are moving fast enough that I can physically see them drift to the left. It's almost calming.

"Are you scared?" Natasha eventually asks.

I shake my head. "Not particularly. I'm surrounded by the Avengers." It's realistic. I'd rather want to know why he's watching.

Natasha laughs breathlessly. "Fair."

There's another long pause. Maria and my plan was to get Natasha out in the open. I didn't expect it to be so easy and so awkward. I think Natasha's sorry. And I think I forgive her. That's the worst bit.

Maria's no longer watching through the window, decidedly disappearing back into The Compound. Maria and Natasha will have a reunion, and I think it'll feel like your parents fighting. It's been years since I knew how that felt, and before they died I was too you to notice when my parents argued or fought. So I don't know what to expect. It's almost scary.

"Do you know why he's watching me?" I ask quietly.

"No." She answers. "But I know there's a countdown ending Saturday and I know he's writing notes about you in a notebook."

Okay- ew.

"Oh."

Feeling vulnerable is confusing because there's different types. There's different types of physical and mental vulnerability. Physically you can get beaten down. There's no way you can protect yourself and both you and the person(s) your fighting can hurt you. It's terrifying, and very, very real. Physically you can show yourself and ask to be accepted. To be pretty. It's sad that I haven't been in that situation in years, yet at ten years old I knew how it felt. But now, if I showed myself I'd hope to be accepted for my scars, for my height, for my curves that are smaller than others. I'd hope that the obvious size difference in my breasts didn't freak anybody out along with the fact that I haven't had as much time to shave (and when I did I nicked myself and it never healed properly). It's terrifying, and very, very real.

Mentally, you're vulnerable when you're sad. Please don't judge. You're vulnerable when you open up. Please don't judge. And you're vulnerable when you're scared or something is happening inside your mind and somebody is there and knows. Please don't judge. You don't always have to be scared for this to happen. When you're vulnerable mentally, you're in your head. The outside isn't fuzzy nor is it what you're focusing on. Your vulnerability is dependent on how much you truly give of yourself. How much you let yourself feel. When you do- it's truly individual how you accept where people are.

I'm vulnerable right now, because I can't let myself not be. I don't think I can let myself feel this alone.

"Could you not have told us you were going to disappear?"

Maybe in making Natasha feel unease I make myself feel less. Maybe it's ingrained in me to manipulate.

"Maybe. It all moved so fast. What do you know about Jason Baker?" She plays right back and she knows it. I think... I need to relearn how to give myself.

"He was weird. He looked at me funny and I think he used his son to get to me. I don't know why though."

"I have a working theory."

I give her the space to continue. I don't want to say something back. I don't have it in me. Is this how it feels to be vulnerable? To feel like you don't know what you're truly feeling? Like the words don't come? And you feel shaky?

And sometimes you're vulnerable but you're not safe. I think while I was in Hydra I was physically vulnerable. And I was emotionally abused. But I think this is some sort of vulnerability that only comes when you're safe. I can't verbally articulate a reply, but I'm allowed to not. And Natasha knows I want her to continue.

"You've been a threat since you were young, you know that."

I nod.

"If you were on SHIELD's radar, most likely you could've been on other's. Jason was probably using his son to get to you. Those weird looks weren't perverted - they could've been, but it wasn't the main focus - they were calculating. I don't know what organization he works for or if he works for one. But he wanted you then. I don't know why five years later he's back, but it could very likely be for revenge... or debt."

I'm not scared. I'm really not. I'm just tired.

I turn to look at her again and Nat moves to look back at me.

Tears start falling down my face sideways, my tears falling down my nose and then over my nose. Sideways cries are weird.

I've cried in front of her before, but it was such a different circumstance. And that time I sobbed. I made a noise. This time, I'm defeated. You can be defeated and not want to die. I don't want to die, I want to live in peace without these weird men and organizations ready to steal me. I want to steal my life back.

Natasha moves closer and pushes my face into her chest. She's oddly good at comfort. I continue to let myself be vulnerable. I can't give a damn that Jason is watching. He'll be back in the next chapter.

<33

This chapter is dedicated to @ImFuck3dup, i love her so much and i'm so grateful to have her in my life. You are so loved and i hope you enjoyed!