PHASE THIRTY-FOUR

A PLACE FOR THE EXILES

I had no place to stay—literally.

I was a graduating student. A few months more and I would be leaving the dormitories. I had a big allowance left but I was unsure if it would last until I found a job. I don't want to risk it anyway, so I tried to find any means to find a stable income.

But I don't want to venture into sculpting immediately. I want to approach it a little slower like how you'd sculpt... pottery.

So, in Ophelia's studio, there I was.

And with her scowl, I knew she hated that I was there. But she had no choice.

Ophelia Agostini's eyes were very unwelcoming when she saw that I entered her studio. She was sitting at one of the stools as she threw pottery on her pottery wheel.

The whirring sound stopped when I went near her.

Tumaas ang isang kilay niya nang tumigil ako sa tabi niya.

"What are you doing here?" Her tone was hostile just like how her ex-lover sounded.

I gathered the courage to remove the bitterness in my mouth, then I talked.

"I need a place to stay."

She looked offended because of my answer. Nag-iwas siya ng tingin at pinagpatuloy ang paghulma, ang tunog ay pumailanlang na naman sa paligid.

I took one of the stools and sat there, my legs crossed.

I was suddenly reminded of how I preferred pottery over sculptures—on how they were more pleasant to hear because the sounds they created weren't sharp.

But I knew that it was a front so I wouldn't venture into sculpting marbles. I kept on trying to find the faults in its crevices, no matter how small, so I wouldn't have any reason to stay.

I don't like staying—that's what I was before.

But I was past it.

Gusto ko nang manatili.

Gusto ko nang may matigilan.

Unti-unti ko nang pinakikinggan ang sarili ko kaya napunta ako sa desisyong 'yon. Kaya kahit na alam kong mahihirapan at maninibago ako rito, tinulak ko ang sariling magpatuloy. Katulad ng pagpapatuloy ko sa bulag na paglalakbay ko noon.

"Can you let me stay?"

Iritable niya akong tiningnan. "Wala ka bang pake sa 'kin o ano?" She sounded offended. "Gosh! You really have no remorse. We're not on good terms with each other. How dare you ask me things that close friends would do?"

I knew that the relationship that I formed before were all complicated, and Ophelia was still a part of that. I couldn't blame her because I was misled before, but I was still in the middle of learning about everything, so, it was a given that I could come out confusing.

Or maybe I was being apathetic about others who wanted to have their own path.

Whatever it was, I had to express what I really felt.

"I'm sorry," I said out of regret, the pain still in my chest.

It was the truth—I regretted my actions that revolved around my desperation in staying on my path. On how I pushed people away and on how I gave them an illusion that I don't need them.

I met her stare and saw that she was still enraged.

"'Yan lang? Wala ka nang sasabihing iba pa?" Nanghahamon niya akong tiningnan.

What should I say to her? What should I apologize for?

That I was sorry that I asked her to teach me?

That I was negligent on how she really felt whenever I talk to Michelangelo?

Or should I say sorry because I was thrown off my path?

Or does she want to hear an apology about who she really was?

She gritted her teeth when I didn't respond. "Ano pa nga bang i-eexpect ko sa 'yo? You don't care about anyone. You don't even say what's on your mind."

"What should I even say?" I asked, clueless. Or maybe I was still in denial about what I really wanted because I was focused on understanding my path.

She threw me a sharp glare before she snickered.

"Gan'yan ka ba talaga—" Tumigil siya sa pagsasalita at marahas na suminghap nang hindi ako gumalaw. "You're always calm and composed na parang hindi ka apektado ng mga negatibong bagay na nangyayari sa 'yo!"

It hit me.

You don't realize what have you become until someone pointed it out.

Wasn't that ironic, Michelangelo?

I was the one who pointed out that you were a sculpture, but the truth was—I was the sculpture.

I don't even have my emotions to myself, but I was starting to get a hold of it.

I think he'd paint me guilty because of the things that I've thought of.

Natatawa akong umiling habang nakahalukipkip, pansamantalang binabalewala ang bigat ng dibdib.

"Do you accept a teaching assistant?" pag-iiba ko ng usapan, iniikot ang tingin sa paligid. "I need to make some money."

She let out another snicker. "Bakit hindi ka mag-ukit? Get the worth out of your degree, Lael."

"I want to take things slowly," I reasoned out and caught a sight of a familiar bust sculpture. Ilang beses ko na 'yong nakikita tuwing pumupunta ako rito noon ngunit hindi ko pinapansin ang disenyo. Sanay akong tanawin 'yon mula sa malayo.

Ang alam ko lang, itim na may gintong nakabuhos do'n—tapos.

Ngunit hindi ko kailangang lumapit pa para makita kung sino ang inspirasyon mula sa iskulturang 'yon.

I was used to seeing Michelangelo's face from afar lately, so I knew it was him.

"Who sculpted that?" I pointed what I was looking to.

There was a sharp emotion that lingered in her eyes when she saw the direction that I was pointing at. Kabisadong-kabisado niya yata ang pwesto no'n dahil sa reaksyong ipinakita niya sa 'kin.

"Ako," hirap na hirap niyang sagot.

Really... Michelangelo did not love her even a bit?

How cruel.

"You sculpted both bust sculptures?" tanong ko, ang mata ay nasa iskultura pa rin.

She was frustrated when she let out a sigh. "Oo. Niregalo ko sa kan'ya 'yung kamukha ko."

"He accepted it because?"

Tumalim ang tingin niya sa 'kin. "Bakit ako ang tinatanong mo? Inaasar mo na naman ba ako dahil sa namagitan sa 'ming dalawa?"

Napunta ang tingin ko sa kan'ya.

Oh, did my tone came out that way?

"I was just curious," tipid kong sagot.

Because I was really curious about how far their relationship went.

Then I realized—I did not ask about it that much because I was so focused on my path, afraid that I get misled. But now that my path cleared up, I was slowly learning about the places that I've been to.

Even if it meant that you'd go back to the start?

Yes, even if it meant that I'd go back to the start.

Relearn the basics so I could get the most out of its foundation. Return to it like a person who had her wills to herself.

There was no harm in it, anyway, because I had been harming myself for taking the wrong journey.

"Hindi ako tumatanggap ng assistant. Mas gusto kong mag-isa akong nagtuturo," sagot niya mula sa tanong ko kanina pa.

I discreetly smiled.

Iniiwasan niya rin ang tanong.

"You'd get more visitors if they knew that two prodigies teach here," I convinced, my eyes trained on her.

Iritable siyang tumayo mula sa kinauupuan upang maghugas ng kamay. Tapos na pala ang hinuhulma niyang paso kanina.

Her footsteps shuffled in the air before the creak of the faucet.

"We're not prodigies," she responded as she washed her hands, the sound of water replaced the sound of her footsteps.

I stood up and shrugged. "Then, we're exiles."

Nawala ang tunog ng paglagaslas ng tubig, napalitan iyon ng ungot mula sa pagsara ng gripo. Kaonting kaluskos dala ng pagpunas ng kamay bago tunog ng sapatos, senyales na pumihit siya paharap.

She looked at me, unconvinced. "Exiles? What do you mean by that? Pabor nga ang mga kamag-anak natin sa 'yo dahil sa mga achievements na natamo mo."

I didn't fail to hear the envy in her tone, but I was way past it. It didn't bother me especially if she was envious of the thing that I didn't like.

"We know that we were forced prodigies, Ophelia. In my case, I was forced too much to the point of misdirection."

Nagpunta ako sa mga pottery na naka-display. Unti-unti nang napapalitan ng mga kulay ang puti. "I didn't like it, so I considered myself as an exile. Hindi na 'ko babalik do'n dahil ayaw kong manatili ro'n."

Natigilan ako dala ng sinabi.

I knew that I didn't want to stay, but it wasn't clear where. Palagi kong pinipigilan ang sarili ko na huwag manatili sa pag-iiskultura dahil ayaw kong umalis sa landas ng mga Costiñiano. Pero ang totoo—hindi dapat ako manatili sa landas na ibinigay nila.

It was my surname that mislead me. 

That's why when I left, everything became clearer.

"Costiñiano pa rin ang apelyido mo," she pointed out.

What does she mean by that? Na magpakakadena pa rin ako sa apelyidong 'yon?

I tilted my head to the side and stared at the potteries present. Sinusubukan kong hanapin ang bagay na nagpapanatili kay Ophelia rito.

"Agostini is your surname, but you're bound to us because of your mother. Kapatid ni tita si Daddy pero ibang-ibang umakto si tita. She's much better than my puppet of a father. She supported you up until now."

Nag-iwas siya ng tingin at umaktong may inaayos. "Mabuti't hindi Costiñiano ang apelyido ko."

But you were still bound by the family's tradition, I would like to say.

The person under the family name was bound by the family's tradition, so it was up to the individual if they would say goodbye to it.

Kaya iyon ang ginawa ko.

Humarap ako sa kan'ya. "Why didn't your mother retain her surname, anyway? Because she knew the pressure?"

She put her things down; her tools clattered. "Ipinaglaban ni Mama na apelyido ni Papa ang gamitin niya." She sounded distant.

"But she still forced you to follow the tradition."

I heard her heavy breathing. "It's the consequence of her choice. Mapa-Agostini o Costiñiano ang apelyido ko, kailangan pa ring sundin ang tradisyon ng pamilya."

"Because you had the Costiñiano blood."

Matapang niyang tinagpo ang tingin ko. "I hope I didn't."

There was a small, hopeful smile on her face that told me that she didn't like what happened. That she hated the tradition, and she was happy that she got away from it.

Because that's all we ever wanted—to break away from the rules of the family that we didn't want to be born in.

I held her stare for a while before I nodded. "I hope I didn't, too."

She sighed and moved to another place to continue her work.

When she didn't ask me to leave, I knew that she permitted me to stay. Because whether she had no choice or had one, she allowed me because both of us had nowhere to go.

I didn't question her, but I was silently thankful for it.

I didn't question her residence in the studio because I, too, was a resident in a place that I used to be a stranger of.

Because if you had no place to go, you had to make one.