Was it healthy? She asks
Do you think it was healthy? She repeats.
No, I want to answer

Instead, I scorch her with the intensity of my gaze
Willing her to see into the storm that is my heartbeat
As, like a homemade video, the memories replay through my mind
Willing her to tell me if it was healthy

Was it? I reiterate in my head

I take a deep breath
Is it healthy to love someone that much, I say

To love them with every fibre that binds your entire being
Despite them being the grenade that blows you to unrecognisable pieces

To want them to hold you and never let go
Despite having cold sharp blades that slice you to shreds, instead of fingers to keep you warm

Loving him was like holding a block of ice
It’s bliss in the beginning, preparing you for the raw pain that’s sure to follow

It’s not healthy to want to throw your insides up, as you watch unmoving, the person you love rip you apart

He’d have held a gun to my head, asked me not to move or he’ll shoot and I would’ve taken the next step with a smile on my face – because I’d be yearning to touch him, to assure myself that he’s really there, not an illusion

For your heart to set itself on fire, every time they act like you don’t exist, that isn’t healthy
Or for you to starve, resort to unhealthy means, so you can look like one of the girls he’s cheating on you with

For one person to give another so much power, that they can break you into pieces with a flick of a wrist
And only they can put you back in place, with so simple as a smile your way
One shouldn’t lose themselves in the process of loving another

No, so I tell her
It was not healthy