CHAPTER THIRTY NINE

Reagan spent most of her day sat on the couch, staring into nothingness while she tried to make sense of her thoughts and soften her emotions.

It's funny to her how someone that made her feel at her best could make her feel what she felt then, almost like the air was too thin to breathe and like heavy weight was pressing against her throat.

It surprised her how emotional pain could make her physically hurt.

It was six in the afternoon, just when the sun has started to set, when the front door opened slowly.

At that point, Reagan was lying against the crook of the couch where the backrest met the armrest and she's been staring at her lap for a little over an hour.

It was instinct for her to look up whenever the door chimes would ring across the entire house but for the first time in her life, she regretted it.

Jack was standing there across the living room, looking at her with tired, red eyes that looked like they haven't seen sleep for a month. It was bloodshot and puffy and she shouldn't have found comfort in the thought that he was crying all night but for some twisted, fucked up reason, she did.

Jack looked pathetic. Absolutely miserable. His hair looked almost straight, likely from the number of times he ran his hands through it, and he was pulling the cuffs of his flannel top over his hands, looking like he was trying to make himself smaller.

They just stared at each other, a few seconds too long, and Reagan wanted to hurl at the sight of him.

He was the first one to break the silence.

"Reagan," His voice croaked out, barely audible. Reagan fully looked at him then and the mention of her name made teardrops form at the corner of his eyes almost instantly, "I am so sorry."

Reagan didn't know what to say to him. She wasn't even sure if she wanted to say anything to him at all.

For the past six hours she's been awake, she's thought of a hundred things she wanted to say to Jack but now that he was in front of her to hear it, only one question seemed to matter to her.

"What was I to you?" She asks, voice shaking, not actually knowing if she wanted to hear his answer.

If only she looked hard enough, she should've seen the hurt on his face at her words.

"Honestly?" He choked out, taking a deep breath, "Since the second time we went to the falls? Everything."

Reagan wanted to vomit.

"Since then, Reagan, I swear," He continued before she could interrupt, desperation clear in how he spoke, "I couldn't even last one fucking night if I didn't have you next to me. I felt like I couldn't breathe the same. You met me at such a dark time in my life and..." He paused to take a deep breath, sounding like admitting it physically pained him, "...and you were—"

"Convenient," Reagan finished for him.

She hated the fact that she could feel her own tears starting to build up behind her eyes. She didn't want to cry in front of him but it was goddamn difficult to stop.

"Reagan—"

"I cannot believe you have the nerve to tell me that when we both know that I've been nothing more than a pastime," She bit back angrily, the hurt already seeping through the words.

It surprised her but Jack only shook his head.

"You don't believe that," He said as if he was so sure of himself, sharply taking in another breath, "You know you aren't, I know you do."

Reagan let out a strangled laugh because the thought of him and Emma crossed her mind and it made her chest feel like it was caving in on itself, "No, Jack, I actually don't."

Jack stared back at her and by that point, he wasn't even trying to hide his tears. His eyes were crinkling at the edges and his hands started to shake, looking almost broken.

"You don't think what I've felt for you was real?" He asked in a small, shaky voice, sounding like he was afraid of her answer as well.

"I can't believe you'd ask me that," She choked out, "You were in a relationship with someone else the entire time you've been with me."

"Reagan—" He drew out in one labored breath and ran a hand through his hair frustratedly, "It's much more complicated than that."

Reagan wanted to laugh.

"What are you gonna tell me?" She shrugged her shoulders, "That the relationship isn't that serious? Or you're going through a rough patch and things are messy between you two right now so that gives you a pass to cheat on her?"

The tears rolling down his cheeks only worsened.

"I don't—" His breath drew short, "I don't have an excuse that'd make up for what I did because yes, I was in a relationship, but I don't love her—"

Reagan couldn't help herself. She fucking laughed.

There she was, standing in front of the boy she thought she loved with tears streaming down her face and her heart feeling like it was going to implode, and she laughed.

"Turns out, you are so much more of an asshole than I thought you were," She shook her head, the sight of him almost disgusting her.

"Reagan," He breathed out, "That's not what I—"

Jack moved forward, arm reaching out to touch her elbow, and out of instinct, Reagan jerked back as far as she could to get away from him.

"Don't fucking touch me," She seethed. The thought of him touching her again made her skin crawl.

"Reagan, please," He said again, voice cracking, sounding desperate.

Reagan could only shake her head. Talking about it was a mistake.

Having her own thoughts to herself, replaying the messages and the things he's said to her in her mind, felt like absolute hell without any closure from Jack but she didn't think actually getting closure from him felt worse. If their conversation proved anything, Jack was what she was afraid he'd turn out to be; someone who was just bored and needed something to pass the time in Oregon before he had to go back to his actual life.

She turned to walk towards her room, not wanting anything to do with him anymore.

"Reagan," He tried again, looking like he wanted to reach out to touch her but decided against when it made her flinch.

Once she got to her room, she locked the door behind her and leaned her head against it. Her knees felt too weak and she didn't even have it in her to walk to her bed. Reagan slid to the ground next to her door the second she heard Jack on the other side of it sobbing.

????????????? sigh

sorry if this is bad and cringey i swear i'll edit this entire book once it's done which is hopefully soon (but now that im planning it out to its end, probably not)

anw probably in the next few chapters i'll be adding a docs form so i could keep track of everyone who's reading this up until it's end and i'll be making a special ~sOmeThINg~ for u friends im just not fully sure of what that is yet

when u guys join me in investing emotions for this story and these (kinda dumb tbh) characters, it makes me so happy and idk how i can make it up to you yet but stg i'll find a way

ok that is all pls forgive me if there are any mistakes or if it made u cringe