CHAPTER TWELVE

She usually found herself on the roof of her house at her weakest moments. The first time she found herself crying there, it was when she was twelve and she found out about how her brother brought his girlfriend to Ritter which she still treated as the greatest act of betrayal she has experienced.

The second time, it was when their parents got into a fight that manifested in actual noise (shouting, breaking dishes) instead of the silences and passive glares that she was used to.

The third time, it was when she had a fight with her best friend, Jen, who was the closest thing she had to a sister.

Then the ones after that, she couldn't remember. It was a mess of more fights and class deadlines and existential crises.

Between the first time she found herself trying to calm her heartbeat on that very spot, and the time she invited Jack Avery onto her roof, she's had many moments there in between. But among all those moments, it had one recurring theme: she was there when she was weak and vulnerable.

So maybe inviting Jack—the likely reason for why she couldn't breathe in the dead of the night—wasn't her brightest idea but as always, she was yet to find any trace of regret or second thoughts.

"Couldn't sleep either?" was the first thing that came out of Jack's mouth when he took the spot beside her, leaving a foot of distance between them.

It was a bright, clear manifestation of how their relationship was going so far and she didn't think the sight of plain, empty space could make her chest feel heavy.

Reagan willed her heartbeat to calm down.

"Why do you think I'm not a morning person?" She shrugged, passively watching the redwoods swaying from afar.

From the corner of her eye, she could see Jack's lips purse apprehensively. "But you don't have insomnia, do you?"

"No," She snorted, shaking her head, "Just a messed up sleeping schedule."

He laughed curtly, mumbling with a shrug, "Mine's pretty fucked as well."

What followed that was heavy silence. Reagan watched the trees sway, counted the seconds between each particularly cold gush of wind, and strained to listen to the stream far down behind them. She did anything to ignore the steady, solid presence sitting a foot away from her because she was afraid she'd remember it too clearly.

She knew exactly how it felt like to have Jack Avery's hand gently cup her face with the sound of rushing water in the background. She knew exactly which parts of his hands had soft skin and rough callouses. And she knew exactly what his breath felt like on her skin.

She didn't need more reasons to lose sleep.

"You're ignoring me," He finally said with a deep sigh, as if it was such a heavy load to get off his chest and Reagan could feel the blood rushing to her ears.

Because of all the things he could've said, he had the audacity to say that.

"I'm the one ignoring you?" She breathed out, incredulous, "Well that's just rich."

"I know—" He started but cut himself short and swallowed down a gulp, "I know we. Shit— God, I didn't think it would be this difficult. But it's just. I thought we were fine, Reagan."

The way he used her first name felt foreign and unnatural and she tugged her knees closer to her chest.

"Yeah," She laughed coldly, still disbelieving that it was Jack saying these things instead of her, "I kinda thought so too."

"Then what's wrong?" He asked, exasperated, tugging at the ends of his hair.

"Are you serious?" She snapped back sharply.

"Yes! I don't know what to do when all of the sudden you won't even look at me?"

At the back of her mind, she knew that if she had a little less pride and a little less biased judgment, then she would recognize that after Logan teasing them in the dining table, she was avoiding him as well.

But she didn't have a little less of either so she scowled and quipped back, "Right, because you were?"

What followed after that was another thick, suffocating blanket of tension and icy silence and she stared resolutely at the dark sky in front of her.

"Oh, I get it," She breathed out after a few seconds, breaking the silence. Her voice was practically soaked in sardonic sarcasm, "We're gonna do this all night. Just ignore the elephant in the room."

"So now you do want to talk about it?" Jack said with an equally cold laugh.

Her knuckles were almost white. Jack was talking as if he had the right to act like he was the one being blind-sided.

"Yes, Jack," She shut her eyes in frustration, "I do. All night, I wanted to—"

"Daniel's arm was around you," He cut off and her mouth snapped shut.

That was the last thing she expected to hear.

"What are you talking about?" She furrowed her eyebrows then vaguely remembered when she was sat in the living room earlier that night, Daniel comforting her, and her breath stopped short. "Do you mean in the living room? Jack—"

"No, don't," He stopped her again and he took a breath, "You know what, never mind. I change my mind. I don't actually want to talk about it."

And for the first time that since he got to the roof, Reagan looked at him.

His hair was messy and his clothes were disheveled and she once again hated herself for thinking that he was breathtaking.

She watched him pull his lower lip into his mouth, looking deep in thought, and she couldn't stop her chest from hurting.

"I already know what you're gonna say," he said, gulping down a labored breath.

"How do you know what I'm gonna say?" She furrowed her eyebrows, anxious and panicked.

How do you know that I've been thinking about what happened in the waterfall all this time? How do you know that Daniel's arms didn't make me feel as alive as how I felt when you sat next to me? How do you know that sitting right next to you right now makes me physically weaken and—

"Because I'm not an idiot," He replied with a half-hearted roll of his eyes, "No matter how many times you tell me I am. And because it's pretty damn obvious."

The thought How do you know I like you? died in her throat.

She gulped down another breath.

"It is?"

"Believe me," he laughed coldly, "It is. And—I just. I just want to be your friend, Reagan."

Hearing what he said felt like a bucket of ice cold water being poured over her head.

"That's all I ask, Reagan," He continued, nervously fiddling with his fingers, but she could only barely understand him, "And—trust me, I was confused as well. That's why. That's why I did that in, you know. Um, the waterfall."

Her breath hitched in her throat and she could only weakly echo, "The waterfall."

"Yeah," he nodded, "I was just confused, that's all. So I'm sorry. Then I saw you with Daniel, and."

Reagan didn't think she could listen to him any longer.

He continued, "I get it. I realized that all I want is to just be your friend. That's all I ask."

He finally took his turn to glance at her and Reagan could see the pure exhaustion in his eyes. That was all it took for his words to sink in and she couldn't find any air to breathe in.

"A friend?" She breathed out shakily but she promised herself she wouldn't cry. That was an entirely different level of pathetic she wasn't willing to let herself fall on.

"Don't make this hard for me," He shook his head, "I'll be leaving in a couple of days. Just let me be a friend to you until then please."

She could only blink. He said the word friend too many times for comfort and she didn't know what to do.

"I don't want things to be weird and awkward. I want things to be normal. i just want to be your friend—" She flinched as he said this, "For as long as you'll have me."

She ignored how heavy her chest felt.

"Fine," she said, her voice strained, "Whatever."

She took a long glance at Jack, looking for any trace of remorse or second thoughts but all she could see was pity and she couldn't take it. Not from him.

She instantly pushed herself up from her seat, wanting to—needing to leave before she lost the single line of composure she was holding onto. But before she could get onto her feet, she felt Jack's hand encircle her wrist as he tugged her back down.

"Don't do this, Reagan," He said as she lost her balance and ended up sitting too close to him. She wanted to move away but Jack secured a hand around her shoulders, firmly pushing her against his chest.

Reagan stared forward, watching the redwoods and bit down on her lip, begging her tears to stay where they are.

She was embarrassed and hopeless and Jack was holding her but she couldn't even find it in herself to be thankful.

"Don't call me Reagan," She said with a heavy exhale, "It's so weird coming from you. You call me, Wallace, you idiot."

There was a pause after that before Reagan felt Jack laugh—felt it against the vibrations on his chest, and for a second, she thought that maybe being friends would be okay.

But then, "Well you're fuckin' freezing, Wallace," he said, pulling away for only a second to pull off his hoodie and when it fell around her shoulders, she knew that it wouldn't be okay.

But it wasn't like she had a choice.

He was right about him being there for a short while. She knew that she had to endure hiding her unrequited feelings for only a few more days.

She had the relief of knowing the pain wouldn't last too long and after a few more sunsets, she could stop thinking about what being held by Jack Avery on her rooftop felt like.

But at that moment, it was nearly three in the morning, Jack was holding her with his jacket over her shoulders, and she had to deal with the pain then.

"Make a joke about warming me up," She said, hoping she wouldn't memorize the feeling of his hands finding its way to her waist or his chin resting over the top her head, "And I swear to God."

He laughed out loud.

So that was how they spent the night. Jack holding Reagan in his arms as a friend while she fruitlessly tried to ignore the fact that the boy she liked didn't like her back.

They spent the night sharing the water bottle she brought up with her until the sun rose at around 5:30 in the morning, and Reagan had to pretend like she was alright during every second of it.

When sunrise came, the sky turned a beautiful shade of spitfire orange and Reagan watched Jack the entire time. His eyes shined brighter, his smile spread wider, his arms got warmer, and the persistent heaviness in her chest was a little more tolerable. Because, she figured, if hurting meant seeing Jack the way he was on that sunrise then goddamit, he was worth it.

I DONT KNOW OK I DONT KNOW
THEY'VE KNOWN EACH OTHER FOR SHYLY THREE DAYS WHY ARE THEY LIKE THIS I DONT KNOW EITHER CAN WE JUST PRETEND THEIR RELATIONSHIP MAKES SENSE KINDA THANK YOU

summary in case this chapter is too confusing:

1) reagan invited jack up to the roof bc she weak for him
2) it was awks when he got there and he was like "why are u ignoring me" and r loses her shit bc "aren't i supposed to be the one asking that wTF JACK???"
3) jack's like "THEN LET'S TALK ABOUT IT CHRIST"
4) reagan thinks they were gonna talk about the near kiss but then jack's like "daniel's arm was round u"
5) reagan was confused then jack becomes more confusing by saying "know what? i dont wanna talk about it. i already know what you're gonna say and don't say it. i just wanna be friends pal"
6) reagan was about to acknowledge her ~~~~feelings for him but then her feelings were hurt when jack said the "let's be friends" thing
7) she wanted to leave bc embarrassed that jack apparently doesnt like her back but he asked her to stay so they watched the sunrise w her pretending that things are fine

tada

wow this is a long author's noe

im so sorry im shit at keeping an update sched :( everything's so busy rn but i'll try my best i promise. lovely people are commenting about waiting for updates anD THAT MAKES ME SO HAPPY BECAUSE PEOPLE ACTUALLY GENUINELY ENJOY THIS TO WAIT FOR UPDATES AND LIKE???? I DONT DESERVE YOUR KINDNESS THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR READING THIS :'((

but update: everyone in the wdwc are angels and i love them to death. i'm so so so so so happy to be a part of this

update dos: im @seaveywonder on twitter

update tres: i edited some details of the fic (most aren't important to the plot and are just minor adjustments but if they're important i'll list them down in author notes) one change is the last scene from the last chapter :-)

thank you so much for reading this, once again, and i'll try my best to update soon <3