Voices crept to my room, past my door, curling in the darkness of the night. I pulled my sheets over my head, hoping to drown them out. My ears, my heart, my soul...it is like they are being split open, laid bare, and stitched back up again.

The windows to my room were shut, the darkness beyond in the form of slender leaves, lighted by the nearby lamppost. Leaves swayed with the wind, rustling, taking shapes of nightmares I am having when the noises beyond my room went louder.

I was not supposed to be like this. No.

I watched them when they first met. She was carrying me across her torso, straddling my rear with her arm. She was trying to choose which cereal to buy me while I mutely stared at the colorful labels and splashy illustrations. It was...a peaceful time in the supermarket.

Then I saw him. A tall man with kind eyes and strong arms. He was someone I want to be when I grow up. Someone reliable, gentle, and firm. He was picking his way past two grandmas and their carts, muttering his excuse mes and sorrys. It was a funny circumstance for me.

I remember laughing, the sound of it still fresh in my ears. It surprised her. It surprised him. It surprised the grandmas. I wish they were my grandmas. It has been a while since I last saw mine.

The laugh reverberated in the aisle, loud as it was. She giggled as she straddled me closer, pressing my head on her shoulder. I did not get to see him walk closer, having been cleared by the grandmas, and approach her.

He must have smiled. I felt my mother's cheeks at the back of my head. She was smiling. Perhaps, beautifully.

"It's not everyday a baby laughs at me like that," he said, his voice steady and unabashed.

She chuckled as she rocked me once, twice. My eyes drooped. Is it sleep time now? "He likes you, that's what," she replied.

Indeed, I do. He was kind. I want to be like him in the future.

He just laughed and helped her get my favorite cereal in the highest rack. She thanked him. He bought her coffee in a nearby shop. They parted ways.

They met again when I grew a little bit taller, a little bit bigger. She stopped carrying me. Told me I was big enough to not get mauled by speeding bikes.

But she still held my hand. I like the feel of it. It makes me feel safe. Secured. Nothing could harm me if I hold her hand. So I keep holding on.

I keep holding on.

I remember tearing through the ice cream she bought me when a shadow fell upon the bench we have been sitting on. The sun was scorching, that day. But I was grateful he blocked it for us.

He called her name. She called his. They laughed. The sun is bright, the grass is green. Kids my age ran and and played with each other. I never bothered. I have her with me. It is going to be alright. Everything is alright.

She scooted me sideways to give room for him. I do not mind. It was him. He would never be a bother. They started talking. It was too fast for me to understand. It was all too fast.

Some of the ice cream dribbled down my hands, my clothes. She never noticed. She was focused on him. So focused, that I need to cry before she saw that my ice cream had fallen out of its cone and plopped into the ground, sizzling underneath the glaring sun.

She smiled but her eyes say that she is disappointed. She wanted to keep talking to him but my ice cream got in the way. She needed to clean me up.

So I did her a favor. I clung to him. He was surprised. She was abashed.

We ended up taking him back to the house, giving him a drink, talking to him more. She was happy, I can tell. She was happy that he came.

I was happy too. Very happy.

Soon, he started showing up at odd times. Sometimes, he visited when the sun was shining out in the windows. I could see the trees, the road, and the lampposts as they talk and talk. They talked about so many things, laughed so much at some. Time is not an issue for the both of them. I was not an issue between them.

He adored her. She adored him. It was bliss.

Other times he would come when the sun had gone. It would be dark outside, the windows showing nothing but shadowy silhouettes of leaves dancing in the wind, beckoning me to go along with their unheard music.

She and him would talk then, sipping juice from fancy glasses. They would laugh softly. They would lay their hands on top of each other. They would touch their lips to each other. I figured it was how they show their love to each other. They were happy. I was too.

Some nights they would put me to bed early. But I do not sleep. I sit up at bed, in the dark, hearing pleasure seep from my door. The windows to my room were shut, sealing the noises in. I heard her giggle. I heard him laugh. They were happy.

Soon, boxes arrived at our home. She told me that he was staying with us forever. They have entered an unbreakable bond. I do not mind. He was a reliable, gentle, and kind man. He can stay forever.

She was happy. I was too.

I got bigger. She was proud. He was too.

Until the night wore on for the both of them. Each day was agony for them. He stayed out of the house more. She demanded attention, more and more.

One night, I found her weeping in the kitchen, drinking the red juice straight from the bottle. I took her hand in mine. As long as I held her hand, I will be safe. She will be too.

I keep holding on.

The next few days turned out for the worse. The noises that came through my room were different. Deeper growls, higher tones. Most of it were hers. But some days, he had his fair share too.

At first I was confused. Are they not happy? But they were so happy. Very happy. So why...?

The nightmares came not long after. I dreamed of shadows. I dreamed of the leaves coming to get me in my sleep.

Tonight, it is not that different. She was yelling. He was too. They are cooking up a storm without any center. It was not supposed to be like this. They love each other. They adore each other. So why...

I gave up trying to sleep. I have been giving up for the past three days. This situation we found ourselves in, it is not changing any time soon. Each day, it becomes worse. It becomes more and more of the monsters in my dreams. It becomes more alive, more...here.

I looked back to my windows. They are shut. It was at a time like this that they found love. It was at a time like this that they will lose it.

He was a reliable, gentle, kind man. He should be. He had kind eyes and strong arms. I liked him. She liked him. It was not supposed to end this way. It never was.

I began wondering what happened. Did the darkness claim their love? Did the red juice they drank have anything to do with it? Did the leaves entice them into its deadly song?

The voices rose along with the wind outside. The leaves danced harder, she and him fought harder. It is a battle, with no enemy in sight except their pain, their emotions, their words, and their pride. The dark windows rattled with the wind, with their storm.

Something slammed. A door. Footsteps receded. The front door shut as well. Suddenly it was quiet. Very quiet.

It is like a light from a candle that suddenly was snuffed, plunging the room in darkness. So deep that it smothered me, that it brought my nightmares alive. That it made me realize that he may be reliable, kind, and gentle, he was not careful.

He was not the man I thought he was. He was not the man I want to be when I grow up.

I found her on the room where he had just been a few minutes ago. She was sobbing. She even tried to fix herself when she saw me standing my the doorway, the dark windows shut behind me.

I wish I could do something to fix this. I wish I could just laugh and set the world in motion. I wish I could take back that laugh. I wish I had never clung to him and just let her clean the ice cream in my clothes. I wish for the sun to take the darkness away from the window so we would never have to worry about the monsters coming alive.

So I took her hand. I wish like how I found safety and security in hers, she would find the same in mine. I held on to her hand.

I keep holding on.

I never expected this story to come out of me. So enjoy.
-Exequinne x