I stared at the glowing screen as rain slapped the glass windows. My eyes stung from looking at the screen for so long in the dark. You're going to get eye cooties if you stare at your phone in the dark, a voice crept in my head.

I shook my head. There's no use in remembering that now. The owner of that voice hurt me, deeply. It's been three years now and I still remember everything that had happened, to the last detail.

It was a dark night, much like this time. There were children running in the streets, playing with glowing parols when it wasn't even Christmas yet. The smell of freshly-baked pan de sal wafted in the air as we walked past the bakery in the kanto. She wore a simple shirt and shorts that cut to her thighs, counterfeit slip-ons stuck to her feet. A high ponytail to her amber-dyed hair sat on the crown of her head, giving way to a wide forehead that always got made fun of.

But she didn't mind. She didn't mind a lot of things said about her.

I remember, that's what I loved about her. I trailed after her that night, looking to buy cartolina for her teaching demo in the coming Monday. I dropped by their house to help her since I don't have much to do. Rather, I chose not to do the tasks because she needed my help. She's just too shy to ask for it.

She wasn't looking back at me, truding on ahead, weaving among people walking across our opposite direction. I tried calling her name but she was too far away. Instead, I widened my pace and I was able to catch up to her on time.

"Hey, wait for me," I said. Hintay. I remember her freezing in her tracks before looking apologetically at me. Her eyes were empty, as was her smile. She was lost.

She grinned, her pointed incisors always reminding me of vampires. Fortunately for me, she loved the sun and morning walks. Since I called out to her, she started walking slowly, looking at me to make sure I was still by her side. In our walk, she never had the impulse to hold my hand.

I understand that. She wasn't the type to get touchy. She hated physical contact. At our first meeting she directly told me that she wasn't a fan of holding hands. We weren't even a thing back then. I remember that our conversation just ended up on her expectations for men.

Eventually, we got our cartolina and were heading back to her house. When we reached the gates to her house she turned back to me. Her eyes were empty as was her smile. She was lost.

"It's best if you don't come back," she said.

I remembered raising my eyebrows. "Okay," I said. "Shall I pick you up tomorrow? We could go to church together."

"No," she said, sighing as she put her head on her hands. When she drew her head up again, her eyes lost the sheen I've come to love. "I mean, don't come back ever. We're through."

I scratched my head. "Is this because of the afritada?" I asked. She had threatened to break up with me several times but mostly it's a joke. This time, it didn't feel like it.

She chuckled but it did not quite surfaced. "No," she said. "You're a good person, Hal. I love you and what we have. You're the best person to have ever stayed in my life. But I have no other choice. I have to let you go."

I knit my eyebrows. "Why?" I asked. I remembered my heart quivered as my hands shook. I wanted to fight for it. She has talked to me about it before. I always told her that we'll make it work. I will give her silence, some time off. I promised I wouldn't bother her until she gets through with it. She would always tell me that she'll think about it.

But now...

It was like the ground beneath me developed a mind of its own and was now trying to swallow me whole. I couldn't breathe. I stared at her. Perhaps my eyes were as empty as my heart. I was lost, without her.

"I have to," she answered. "I need to focus on myself, my dreams, and my career. I can't afford to be distracted, not when my whole family depends on me."

I understood where she was coming from. Her father fell sick and her mother doesn't have a job and was too old to start. Their business fell and went bankcrupt. She has five other siblings to take care of. She has a part-time job. She was also a creative writer on the side.

I tried helping her through it. I volunteered to work part-time to help put her siblings to school at least. She refused. She told me that her pride couldn't take it. I offered to help her the best I could but she just...refused.

"It wasn't my intention to be indebted to someone," she had told me back then. "And I don't want to be with you just to have you help me with the problems I should be solving on my own."

And now, she was looking at the ground as she admitted, "I feel like I haven't been giving you enough," she said. "And I can't."

"You don't have to," I reasoned. Yes, I mean it. I don't care if she's dressed in sacks or if she doesn't have a piso on her. I love her because she's...her. "You don't have to be someone else you're not for me to choose you. You don't have to have something to prove. Haven't I told you that?"

I did. She knew. She still shook her head. "I have to see this through," she said. "I don't want this to be a reason for resentment in the future. I don't like being indebted to someone."

"It's help, Ree," I said, stressing the word. "I'm not expecting anything. I want to help you."

She stared at me then, her eyes blazing. "Why?" she asked. "So you could prove to yourself you love me?"

Her words stung. This was so like her—overthinking, deciding without me, and so forward with her words that she didn't know she was hurting people. I stayed with her throughout those flaws. I tried to understand.

To answer her question, I wasn't proving anything. I was just...helping.

Meanwhile, she was spiralling into her own doubts and there's nothing I could do to stop it. Instead, I met her eyes and smiled. I remembered crossing the distance between us and wrapping her in my arms, even if it's for the last time.

"Okay," I said as she stayed rigid. She hated physical contact and today wasn't any different. "We're through."

She nodded and pushed me away. She was trying hard not to cry in front of me. "I'm sorry, Hal," she said. "It could have been better."

She looked at me then. Her smile was as empty as her eyes. She was lost. "Thank you," she said. "I hope you find what you're looking for in life."

Yeah, when she found herself, first, I thought. I nodded. "I'll love you forever, Ree," I said as I began turning away from the gate of her house. "It could have been better but this is what we have."

"Had," she corrected. Ever the perfectionist. "See you around, Hal."

See you around, I may have said had she not slammed the gate closed and disappeared into the house.

Three years later, I was staring at the invite to a college block reunion  my blockmates before have organized. It's a small one, we weren't that many, but I know where it was going to be held.

The first place where I saw her, the night of our first block party. It was a night filled with booze and candied fruits. It was a night that started everything.

I felt a pang in my heart as I found myself searching her name on social media. I still follow her on all her sites and she hasn't removed me from her contacts. I scrolled, ignoring her voice in my head telling me to stop scrolling in the dark.

She had graduated at the same time as me. She found a job at the local public school. Her third sibling graduated senior highschool. She was...beautiful.

I sighed, shutting my phone and standing up. The time on the clock read 4:34 AM. I rubbed my face and headed for the bathroom to get ready for work. She had often teased me to be an old man for waking up in the wee hours of dawn and going to bed at exactly 9:00 PM.

Old man Hal, she often greeted me. Mano po.

I smiled at that memory.  I keep smiling whenever I think of her.

I wove through the throng of people around. I didn't expect to arrive to this many people milling about in the parking lot. I was only looking for the food.

Chatter was loud in my ears as friends and acquaintances that haven't seen each other in years talked about their lives. Plastic cups curled in fists, screen doors opened and shut, birds cawed somewhere in the trees growing around.

The lights were wrapped in cellophane, giving the whole room an ambience tinged orange. It reminded me of a music video I saw playing on a TV screen in an appliance store. I was waiting just for the right music to start and that would've completed the mood.

I spotted the buffet table pushed against the corner to my left. I made a bee-line for it, eyeing the yema and pastillas section of the table. Who cares about diabetes when I love sweets?

I reached the table and was about to take the nearest yema in the bunch when a hand shot out and knocked with mine. I immediately withdrew and my gaze landed on the person who owned the hand. My world stopped. The chatter dimmed. The orange ambience seemed to turn up a bit brighter.

She smiled at me, the way she did when she was happy to see me. Her eyes weren't as empty as her smile. She wasn't lost.

"Hal," she breathed, snatching a yema from the bunch before I could. She seemed to have found it endearing as she peeled off the cellophane wrapper. "Nice to see you."

I smiled, plucking another unfortunate yema and peeling it. The sound of cellophane crinkling was a delight to my ears. "You did tell me you'll see me around," I said. Something has changed between us, I wasn't sure what.

"Do you want to step out?" she asked.

I agreed. Pretty soon, we were standing on a porch, overlooking the baleful night that befell the streets. A kid wearing sando sped by with a bike too small for him. I didn't miss the orange lights at all.

"How have you been?" I asked.

She smiled knowingly at me. Of course, she knew that I knew everything she had been wanting me to know. "I have everything now," she said. "Except for one."

I shoved the last bit of yema into my mouth. It melted smoothly on my tongue. "Oh?" I said. "And that is?"

"You," she said.

I almost choked on my sweets as I swallowed my saliva prematurely. She looked at me comically. I coughed, cupping my fist into my mouth.

When the fits subsided, she faced me. "If it's not too late," she said.

I straightened and met her eyes. It was the most beautiful ones I've seen. Her eyes weren't empty anymore. She has found herself. "Do you remember my promise?" I asked.

She withdrew her gaze as she stared at the houses beyond us. Some were boasting elaborate lights featuring stars, reindeers, and trees. Some were winking out the words Merry Christmas with three exclamation points. Some just hanged dimming parols on to the sills of their roofs. Either way, the air had turned cold and the people were generally becoming nicer, happier, and for a time, more open to love.

I hope it was the same for her.

"Promise?" she said, leaning against the wooden pole that supported the three-step stairs by the porch. "That you will always love me?"

"It still stands," I said, feeling that the things I say three years ago were cheesy and totally ripped off from romance movies. Still, I found it to be true.

"Good," she said, always direct to the point. Efficient. She faced me while still leaning against the pole. "I've come back to exact that promise from you."

I chuckled. It felt good to do that after a while. I stepped closer. "After all these years?"

"After all these years," she agreed. "I shouldn't have let you go."

I shook my head. "You did what you have to do," I said. "I don't blame you for making a decision to make yourself better."

She smiled. "So we're together again?" she asked.

"If you say so," I replied.

"Good," she said, closing the distance between us and tackling me with a hug. "I've been longing to do this for a while."

I stood rigid in her embrace, stunned. She hated physical contact. But now she was...

I wrapped my arms around her. "Have you finally found yourself?" I asked.

"I didn't say that I lost it," she said. "But I did. And more."

I nodded, our warmth blending, curling, and painting each other. "What made you choose us now?" I asked. "You still have your two siblings to help."

She chuckled. "I didn't say I'm coming back because I have solved all my problems," she said. "I'm coming back because I want to. I'm ready to face the future with you. I'm not afraid of not being able to give you anything."

 "I'm not looking for anything, really," I said as honestly as I could. "You're the best I could ever have."

I felt her smiling against my shoulder. The wind around us blew loud and colder. The people around us have come to look at us, standing and embracing by the porch. Some were cheering, others were taking pictures. I smiled, my heart wasn't as empty as before.

I partially broke free from her and I looked into her eyes. They weren't empty. They were full of joy, of contentment. "Merry christmas, Ree," I whispered.

She laughed as she let me kiss her forehead. "Merry christmas, Hal."

And yes. So cheesy. It's Christmas, give me a break. haha.

Anyway, this is sorta a holiday special for you guys and I'm signing off with a greeting to you all.

Merry christmas and happy holidays! :)