Michael is kissing me.

Why am I letting him kiss me?

Why did I allow myself to fall right into his manipulation again?

As much as it feels so right having him close to me it feels so wrong. I feel like I am letting my son down for not being strong. I have to stop this.

I broke the kiss not even making eye contact with him, but he wouldn't let me out of his grip. Right as he was about to say something Maleek started crying.

"Excuse me Michael, I need to go get Maleek." 

"Let me go get him. I want to hold my son." Michael said softly letting me go.

"No, Michael he needs to be fed." I told him walking away.

"Let me feed him. Can I please feed him?" Michael begged.

"No, Michael you can not feed him. He doesn't do formula. I breastfeed him and the only time he drinks from a bottle is when we are in public." I picked up Maleek bringing him close to my chest. "I need you to go so I can feed him."

"What? You can't feed him in front of me? It's not like I haven't seen you naked before." I rolled my eyes.

"Yeah, and the only good thing that came from that was my son. That day should have never happened, I regret it. But what I don't regret is getting rid of my own child like you threatened me to do." I started getting myself mad again.

"You don't regret it. You just proved to me not even 5 minutes ago that you still love me. That kiss spoke volumes. I said I was sorry, isn't that enough?"

"I don't love you anymore, Michael." I lied. The look in his eyes when I said that spoke more than what words could ever say. Not in a good way either. "You forced the kiss by trapping me. We both know that you are physically stronger than me. No, that isn't enough. Nothing you do will ever be enough. Again, I need you to leave so I can feed Maleek."

"You know what? You are so god damn hard to please. I regret ever falling in love with you. No. I am not leaving until I get to spend time with my son." Michael snapped.

Instead of arguing I turned around to walk upstairs heading to my room.

Yes, what he said hurt me. But not as much as it would have at the beginning. Once someone hurts you so much you just go numb. Considering, how many times he has damaged me, I am just numb to his pain.

I looked down at Maleek who was staring right at me. I wish he wasn't a spitting image of Michael.

"Come on little man, let's get some food in your tummy." I rubbed one of his chubby cheeks causing him to smile. "I bet you are starving, aren't you little man?" Maleek cooed as a reply.

I sat down on my bed, leaning against the headboard. Once, I got situated and comfortable I raised my shirt up, pulling down my bra. It didn't take long for Maleek to get attached and started drinking away.

Maleek to be a little over one month old can eat 'A LOT'. Yes, I emphasized a lot because I have a little chunky monkey. He eats just like his father. When I gave birth to him, he ended up weighing 8 lbs and 10 ounces. Now he is weighing around 9 lbs and 5 ounces. At least he was born a healthy baby. That's all I could have ever asked for.

I am really hoping and praying that he turns out to be nothing like his father. I will not have my son disrespect/bully people for no reason. That is one of several many reasons why I don't/won't allow Michael to be apart of his life. I don't need him growing up learning Michael's behavior or tactics. I just won't have it.

With all of this blabbering and ranting in my head I didn't notice that I had fallen asleep. At least not until I heard his voice. He didn't leave when I told him to. Was he watching me the whole time and I just didn't realize it?

"Dag on son, you blew up this diaper didn't you?" Michael laughed, causing Maleek to coo loudly.

I just happened to look over witnessing Michael change Maleek's diaper.

"I must give your mother props for this, your little butt is stinky. That's alright though, daddy is getting his handsome little man all freshened up." Maleek cooed again. "And we are all done. No more stinky butt." Michael started tickling Maleek on his belly, which caused him to start kicking his feet a little bit.

I must admit - seeing Michael so vulnerable and smiling really warmed my heart. But it doesn't change the fact on how he handled the situation, our situation. You can't just accuse and yell at me for being pregnant, wanting me to get rid of him, just to want to step up and be a father all of a sudden. That doesn't work for me.

Before, Michael was getting ready to pick Maleek up, I beat him to it.

"Hi pretty boy, did Michael get you all cleaned up? Did you have a rotten butt again?" Maleek just smiled.

"Don't refer to me as Michael, I am daddy to him." Michael spoke up behind me.

"Your name is Michael right? At least the last time I checked it was."

"And the last time I checked your name is Bianca. But he knows you as mommy. What's the difference?" I swear this man is so slow at times.

"The difference is, is that he only has one parent. I don't know how many times I have to tell you that. On top of that you shouldn't even be here. I told you to leave." I laid Maleek back down in his crib because I know where this is going to go.

Another argument.

"He doesn't have just one parent he has two. I can make it just one if that's what you really want. I could take you to court and fight for full custody just to win. I told you that I wasn't leaving here until I got to spend time with my son." Michael snapped with no emotion.

"You know what Michael? You are an actual piece of shit. Take me to court, I bet your ass will lose. I promise you that you don't want to go that route. You got to hold him, so do us both a favor and just fucking leave." I snapped back.

"How about I just fuck your sexy ass instead? I sense the sexual tension between us, it doesn't have to be that way. Stop fighting me, just give in to me." Michael pressed his front against my back, rubbing his hands up and down my body. "I love you, B. I never stopped. Even though what I did 10 months ago really damaged you, I know that you still love me deep down inside. I want you to love me again. Just like I love you." It is then that I realized that he already took my shirt and bra off. He went to go reach for my breasts before I stopped him.

"It's not that I don't love you, I do. I just don't want to be hurt by you again. I can't take it anymore. I have a baby that I have to think of. I want what is best for him. Don't touch them, they will make a mess." He respected what I said and just removed my shorts and panties. "This back and forth is middle school shit. We are grown adults. We sh-should..." I couldn't think straight when he started rubbing my little bud in circles.

"That's right baby, commit to me and my desire for you." He entered a single finger inside of me before continuing. "I don't want to hurt you anymore. I am not going to hurt you anymore. I want to be a family. I want you to be mine. Forever." He let go of me, which sucked but it was only so he could remove his clothes. Michael turned me around so I was facing him, picking me up wrapping my legs around his waist, laying me down flat on my back on my bed.

"Are you ready, baby?" I didn't answer him. He already knew he had me right where he wanted me.

Michael slowly entered me. It hurt. It hurt a lot actually. And when he started moving I couldn't focus on what was happening. No, instead my mind went back into its dark state of mind.

Why am I letting this happen, again?

Why am I allowing him to walk all over me, again?

Why am I letting him control me?

"Don't you remember what he did to you? All the pain he caused you?" My conscience said to me. "Remember, he humiliated you in front of the whole school? Remember, had paid someone to rape you? He was going to let all of his friends fuck you because of a bet. He manipulated you just to get you in bed the first time. Remember, how mad he got when you told him you were pregnant? How he didn't even want you to keep him. He didn't want to be a father. He was never planning on being a father. How do you know that he hasn't already moved on to someone else? Why are you lowering yourself to his standers again? Think about your son, how he would want you to fight! Get your shit together!" My conscience kept on ranting to me about the past. Which is true. Why am I letting this happen? Why am I letting him use me, again? I have to stop this.

"Michael, stop. Just stop. I can't do this." He didn't stop so I pushed him off of me.

"Baby, what the hell are you doing?" I got up, walking over to my closet getting my robe out, wrapping it around my body.

"Michael, stop calling me your baby. I am not your baby and I never will be. We-I can't do this. This-that should have never happened. I need you to leave and I need you to leave now." I told him, truthfully.

"You need to get your fucking priorities straightened out. You need to figure out what you want." He snapped, while getting dressed.

"My fucking priorities are straightened and figured out. My life was perfectly fine until you showed up. I was living a happy life, but you ruined it. If anyone needs to get their priorities straightened out it's you. You need to learn how to fix situations without manipulation." I snapped back.

"I didn't manipulate you. You just shouldn't be so easy to get you in bed." And then that look came back. The look he gave me every day in high school. Those evil eyes. "Besides, if it wasn't for me sleeping with you the first time, you wouldn't have Maleek. You wouldn't have a kid at all because no one wanted/wants you. I didn't even want you to have my kid, but you did! If I would have ever decided to have a family, I would have picked someone better than you. But look where taking up for you and sleeping with you got me!" The old Michael is back. I knew it wouldn't take long for something to trigger him. Why do you think I made the decision to keep Maleek away from him?

"I knew you didn't change. You are the same god damn piece of shit who ruined my life to begin with. You know what? I agree with you. Sleeping with you was the biggest mistake of my life. I have a piece of shit baby daddy that my son will never know! I regret ever fucking telling you I was pregnant. Don't blame me for getting pregnant, you didn't exactly wear a condom or pull out! It takes two god damn people to make a baby, not just one dumb ass."

"And you didn't tell me that you weren't on birth control either, so really whose fault was it? Did you do this shit to trap me? Did you do this shit so I could pay you for child support?"

"I don't/didn't need to be on birth control dumb ass! Like you said, 'No one wanted me.' unless you fucking paid them to sleep with me! So really who trapped who? You know what, I don't need you or your fucking money to raise Maleek. You said you didn't want to be a father, fine, don't be, I could care less at this point. That's why my son will never know you and has nothing related to you besides his looks! I did you a favor, now leave." I was so pissed off.

"If you want to be known as a fucking easy lay fine! If you really wanted to do me a favor, you would have gotten rid of him instead of keeping him. But nope, fuck Michael right?"

"I told you I wasn't getting rid of him! I'm the one who opened my legs to a waste of a living human. Also, who is the one who came to save me? If you wouldn't have showed up, I would have died. You should have just let me die. Then you wouldn't have to worry about having a child."

"You are right, I should have let you die. What was I thinking about even following you? My mistake." I didn't notice but tears were falling down my cheeks.

"When is enough for you? Is that what you want? You want me dead?" He didn't answer me, he just stared at me. I walked over to my dresser grabbing my Xanax bottle opening it. I grabbed about 4-5 pills holding them in my hand. "Is that what you want? Obviously death is my only way out of being tortured by you." I put the pills in my mouth swallowing all of them. I instantly felt my body shutting down slowly. "Congratulations, you got what you wanted. Once in for all. Good bye Michael. Tell Maleek I love him." The last thing I heard was Michael screaming before everything went black.

He got what he wanted.

I gave him what he wanted.

It was my only way out.

It is good bye forever.

(The END!)