Tom has been admitted into a mental hospital by his family for his bulimic anorexic habits. He writes to his sister everyday because he is not allowed any other communication outlet. After a week of being there, he meets a patient named Jordan who later on has quite an impact on his life.

~~~

Alice.

I met a cute boy. I'll send you a picture of him with this letter, because you should see too how cute he is. I sat with him at lunch because he looked really lonely, but in reality I think he preferred to sit by himself. I asked why. He said people stared at him when he spent long periods of time separating his foods, and he didn't like that. One of the nurses whispered to me that he had severe OCD, the really really bad kind. The kind that keeps you from functioning because of how distracted and anxious you get about your surroundings. I told him about my bulimic habits. He said every now and then he gets the urge to throw up his soul.

I like him. (He's pretending to be the front desk lady that sucks at being the front desk lady.)

We talked about our lives before the hospital. He was in college (I can't remember what his major was, but it was a long ass word) before he had a major anxiety attack, resulting in lots of furniture getting broken and people getting hurt. Somebody had snuck in his room and poured red juice all over his clothes, as a prank. He said he didn't mean to hurt anybody, that his body acted without his minds consent. I told him I knew how that felt. He smiled. Did I mention he has really cute dimples? I don't think I did. But he does. And they're cute as hell.

Anyway, he's my friend now I guess. We sit together everyday at lunch, and during support group we sit on the same blanket in the grass. I don't know what it is about him that I like. Maybe it's because he sort of understands a lot more than anyone else about my condition. He knows what to say when nobody else does. The other day I asked him if he thought I was fat. He told me fat is a false and connotative imaginary word society uses to shame its members into buying market products to reduce the imaginary fat, and by believing in societies meaningless money schemes you can turn a normal human being into a hollow, boney shell of dust. I asked him if I was a hollow and boney shell of dust. He said his opinions are useless; that facts are the only things that could answer questions like that. Then he told me there were no such things as skinny and fat. There was only unhealthy and healthy. I asked if I was healthy. He said no, but I would be soon enough. I agreed with that.

Then he told me I looked beautiful. Well, you know how red my cheeks get over compliments. If I'd been healthy enough to blush, I would've been cherry red. But instead I kept quiet and laid my head on his shoulder. He didn't mind that I wrinkled his shirt, and I have a feeling that was an unusual reaction for someone with OCD. That was a new discovery for his nurses, apparently. They asked if he was feeling alright. He said define alright, and put his arm around my shoulder.

I really really like him, Alice.

I tried to sneak away from lunch one day, when the nurses were distracted with a particular patient who liked to throw his food. You can imagine where I went, right to my favorite friend in the whole world: the toilet. I was about to do it. I was on my knees and everything, and then the door swung open and he was standing there. The conversation went down like this.

"You shouldn't."

"But I want to."

"But you don't need to."

"I'm fat."

"You're not. Fat doesn't exist. Neither does skinny."

"Then I'm unhealthily over weight."

"You are unhealthily under weight. You can't solve that by skipping lunch and doing this. The sooner you get over this, the sooner you leave."

"What if I don't want to get over it?"

"You want to stay here until you die?"

"I want to stay with you kinda."

"I'm getting better and I'm leaving soon. You aren't even trying. If you try, maybe we can leave together someday."

"You're getting better? That's really great. What treatment?"

"It wasn't a treatment, it was you. You're making me better. The doctor wants us to share rooms because I'm getting better with you. If you do this, we can't share rooms."

"...we could share rooms? Really?"

"Yeah. I wouldn't lie to you."

"Could I-...could I leave with you?"

"Sure. You could live with me after we leave. My parents set up a place for me far away from people. It's a house near this lake, it's completely isolated. You could live with me."

"Have you thought this out?"

"Yes. You're all I have to think about anymore. Sometimes when I can't sleep, I write things about us. About where we go after this place. What we become. How we overcome ourselves."

"That sounds really creepy. But cool."

"I could lend you the book."

"You'd let me read your dream journal?"

"If you promise to not do this for a week." He pointed at the toilet. "Is a week fair?"

"A month seems more fair." (Yes, I actually said that. Me, the bulimic anorexic who once spent an entire week hugging a damn toilet.)

"Okay. Come on, that floor is really dirty." He helped me out of the floor and we went back to lunch.

He's amazing, Alice. I feel like he's going to get me out of here. But that's a stretch, right? We both know how sick I was when I left.

But it's hope. And I can have hope, right?

Yours, Tom.

~~~

Alice.

I've been living in Jordan's room for a month now. He's really good at taking care of me and I think I'm doing okay at taking care of him. I couldn't believe how clean his room was compared to mine, it was practically spotless. OCD must help when you're trying to keep a clean house.

I haven't visited a toilet in a solid 31 days. Well, except to use the toilet properly and for its rightful purpose. It's been a tough month. When I get the urges, Jordan can almost tell immediately. I'm not really sure how. Which he is a bit of a freaking genius so.

He gives me his journal and we catch up together on the latest chapter of Our Lives Outside the Hospital. It's his book name for the things he writes about us. I wish you could read them Alice, they're wonderful. Things are so much better in that little house near the lake. Jordan said we should get a dog in the book. Remember how much I used to love pugs? Jordan says we might get a pug.

We sleep in the same bed. Is that weird?

He doesn't like when I leave things laying around, but something happened last week that sort of amazed me. He cleans a lot. Everyday, almost every three hours really. I left a half eaten sandwich on the dresser last week. Usually he throws anything like that away. When I went back to the room and I asked if he'd thrown it away, he apologized and said he ate it. He ate after me. Jordan's recovering a lot faster than me. I hope he doesn't leave before I get better.

I kinda miss you. I wish you'd write back, but I know you're busy with finals and shit. Just get back to me whenever you can I guess.

Yours, Tom.

~~~

Alice.

You probably aren't even reading these letters, but I'll keep sending just in case you are.
Jordan's date has been set. Mine is still undetermined. I was hoping we'd get out of here together, but it looks like that's not gonna happen. He said not to worry though. I would be close behind because of how fast I was recovering. I asked if he was going back to college. He said no. He has a plan b that could take care of the both of us. I haven't read the plan b in his journal yet, I've been too busy with treatments and sessions. I believe in him though. He's a smart cookie.

I might call home tomorrow and check up on you guys. I hope you passed all of your finals.

Yours, Tom.

~~~

Alice.

I called home last week, because I finally got granted permission to. I called home seven times and nobody answered. Jordan says you guys might be busy. I think you just don't want anything to do with me anymore. That's understandable. But I'm still pissed at you guys. I'm busting my ass trying to get better and you all just don't care? Isn't that why you put me in this place, to get better?

Well I'm getting better. The date is set. I leave the day after Jordan leaves, three weeks from now. I'm not coming home either. You can figure out where the hell I went on your own damn time.

Yours, Tom.

~~~

Alice.

I was released from the hospital today. Jordan insisted that I call home before I left with him.

I called. Mum picked up. She said there was a shooting at your college two months ago. You saved a professors life by stepping in front of a bullet. I'm proud of you, Alice. You always were the brave big sister.

It sucks being an only child. Guess I'll see you sometime in the future, hopefully. Maybe not though. I think I'm gay. Oops? I blame Jordan.

I'm gonna keep sending letters. Jordan says it'll help me cope. I'm hoping maybe, from somewhere, you can still see them.

Yours, Tom.

~~~

Alice.

I went to see your grave today. I feel bad that I didn't get to attend your funeral, but mum explained the hospital wouldn't allow her to tell me you were dead. For stupid reasons. They thought the news of you dying would interrupt my 'healing' process. I mean, it would've been nice to have known about my own fucking sisters death when she died. Not two months later when the funerals over, the graves been placed, and you're long gone.

Guess what? Jordan adopted a pug for me. She was a rescue, the previous owner had abused her by kicking her a lot. She's really feisty but lovable, and I asked if we could name her Ally. I miss teasing you and calling you Ally, because you didn't really like the nick name. Jordan said Ally was perfect. When I have a daughter one day, her name will be Alice. I promise.

I forgot to tell you about the house we live in. Its a two bedroom little place with a cute kitchen and a nice bathroom. The master bedroom window has the greatest view of the beach and the lake outside. We go swimming on the good days, the days where I'm not an emotional wreck.

Pretty, huh? I wish you could actually see it. It's beautiful.

Yours, Tom.

~~~

Alice.

Your shooter was convicted today. He's going to die. Is it weird that I cried after the trial was over, and not once after I heard you were dead? Jordan says the grief has finally settled in because I've finally accepted that you're gone. I want it to go away. Grief hurts way worse than anything I've ever felt before. You remember that time I fell out of the tree house (you pushed me, you bitch) and broke my ankle? This hurts a lot more than that. I didn't think pain like this existed until now.

Ally cheers me up. Jordan's cuddles could put a smile on anyone's face. He tells me fun facts about cute animals while I'm crying. In a weird way, it helps. If I didn't have Jordan and Ally, I don't know what I'd do. I'm gonna keep sending letters until I can't physically write anymore.

Yours, Tom.

~~~

Alice.

It's been awhile since I've picked up a pencil. I tried to keep writing letters everyday, but they always ended up stained with tears, and the words...well, they never made sense near the end. Jordan said I should stop for a little while. I think he was getting tired of cleaning up so many paper wads every day. I mean, his reason for suggesting it was for the sake of my 'health' but I feel like he's got different reasons.

I'm getting sick again Alice. I don't want to admit it to Jordan, but I keep throwing up during the night. I don't do it on purpose. I get bad dreams and I get sick from them. I hope Jordan doesn't send me back to the hospital if he finds out.

I have to go. Jordan wants me to eat something.

Yours, Tom.

~~~

Alice.

He found out. We were sitting by the lake when he brought up something I was muttering during a nightmare the night before, and I swear to god I tried to keep it down but it came up anyway. It was projectile vomit and it was gross. He's disappointed that I didn't tell him. He's trying to help. Force feeding me isn't helping though. You know that never helped when mum tried.

He doesn't understand anymore, Alice. I don't know what to do.

Yours, Tom.

~~~

Alice.

We went on a drive today and I thought we were going to the hospital. It was exactly like Mom did when she took me, she told me nothing about where we were going, she was silent the whole car ride, and she wouldn't meet my eyes at all. Jordan acted like that. It was scary as hell.

It was the same road to the hospital. When we stopped at the last red light till the hospital, I started sobbing like a baby and begging him not to take me back. He got confused and asked me what was wrong. I explained (through more gross sobbing) that he was going to take me back to the mental institution. He looked so shocked that I would even think of something so horrible.

"Tom I would never take you back there, never. It's your birthday today. I was taking you out for ice cream."

I couldn't stop crying, even though he assured me we were not going to the hospital and we never would be. He took me home and confiscated the letter I wrote you the other day, to see what was really going on with me I guess. We sat down on the bed with Ally and he asked me a billion questions about what I was feeling. He's trying to understand. He's trying so hard, and I love him so much for that.

He kissed me. Despite the OCD, he kissed me right on the lips. He hasn't done that before. It was fucking magical. I felt like my chest was going to explode. Is this what it's like to be in love?

That's cheesy as hell. Sorry.

Yours, Tom.

~~~

Alice.

I don't want to start out a letter with this kind of stuff right in the beginning, but Jesus Christ it's the only thing that been on my mind since last night.

Jordan and I had sex. It was the day after my birthday, I think he wanted to make up for the day before. He asked if I wanted it and I practically begged him for it. It was amazing. I loved every single beautiful moment and I want to do it again. He's in such a good mood today. He's been singing non stop. I don't want to tell you every gratifyingly beautiful detail, but fucking hell I probably could. I want to be with him every second of the day. I want to be with him forever and I don't want to ever be separated from him.

I'm in love, Alice. And it feels so damn good.

Yours, Tom.

~~~

Alice.

This could be my last letter. It's been a year since your death and I miss you, but I think it's time I move on. Jordan has a steady job now. The plan b worked out, he's an online entertainer (not a porn star by the way) as a Youtuber. It pays well. He wants to adopt a friend for Ally. The conversation was adorable.

"Another pug?"

"I was thinking something more than that."

"Oh. Maybe a husky?"

"No. Tom. Like, you know what I mean."

"I really don't. Is it a weird breed of dog or something?"

"No, I-...you have to promise not to freak out, alright? It's okay if you don't want to, I'll understand."

"Jordan."

"It's a big commitment and I understand if you're not ready."

"Jordan you're scaring me."

"It's time consuming and it'll probably be really really difficult, but-"

"Jordan for the love of God just spit it out, I'm having a stroke over here."

"I WANT KIDS."

"K-Kids?"

"Yes! Can we have a little girl? Please? I love Ally and I love you but I just- I want a baby girl so much, and we could name her Alice if you want!"

"I-"

"We have the spare bedroom! My job is steady, I have some things already bought because...well, I got excited one day thinking about it and I went on a shopping spree-"

"Jordan!"

"What?"

"Let me talk!"

"Oh. Sorry. Sorry, go ahead."

"Can your...can you handle a baby? Like, not to be offensive but the OCD-"

"This is exactly why it would be great to have one! I'm good at cleaning up messes, you wouldn't even have to do anything!"

"Jordan, baby, having a kid is more than just messes."

I had this huge talk with him about kids. He seems a little more weary about having one now, but I'm glad we aren't rushing into anything we don't understand yet. We might wait a few more years until we get one. I called mom the other day and asked her opinion, since she's really the only one I know with kids. Well. Just a kid now. Sorry.

Somehow I think you'd be okay with death jokes. Taking offensive was never really your thing.

She said we should wait. And when we do make the decision, think it through all the way. Because when you're a parent, there's always the risk of not being one anymore. She said there are terrible things and people in the world, that these things and people can take the babies you raised and loved and cherished for years and just destroy them like they were nothing. I'm guessing she was referencing you and I. My bulimia and anorexia, your unfair death. I'm gonna go visit mom in a few days.

I think I might propose to Jordan next month. I'm almost positive he's gonna say no, but that's alright. I'll keep trying till the little nerd is ready. I wish you were still here so we could plan everything together. You used to love looking at those wedding catalogs, I would always tease the shit out of you for it. I had a dream one night that you got married in heaven. Who's the lucky fucker? I'd like to meet and beat him for not getting my blessing first.

Miss you sis. I love ya too.

Yours, Tom.

~~~

Alice.

Guess who's here?

Ain't she cute? Also, we got another pug. His name is shit head and hes the one on the left. Well, Jordan calls him Teddy but I call him shit head. Wanna know why? He snuggles up to Jordan like a teddy bear on the first night hes home, but he shits on my head during the same first night. We have a love hate relationship. I hate him and he acts like he loves me.

Jordan won't share Alice Jr with me, he's got baby fever or something. He never let's her out of his sight or his arms. I had to bribe him to let me take this picture without him holding her. This is the first baby picture with just the baby and the pugs in it. The little selfish twat got mad at me for it. I'm trying to make him jealous by hoarding the pugs, but he's too spaced out in his little world with her to notice. Selfish. Twat.

He did agree to marry me though, and we're going to soon. As soon as he gets comfortable enough to leave Alice Jr with mum for a day so we can actually go and get married. His OCD is, for the most part, gone. I haven't thrown up in almost a year and nowadays I never look into the mirror long enough to care if I'm fat or not.

I think Ally's pregnant (we thought shit head was fixed, oops) and I'm almost sure that Jordan will want to keep all of the puppies if she has some. Now I looked up the average number of pugs in a liter. It's 5-7. I fucking love pugs, but I don't think I could take having nine of those things shitting on my head. I think we might give a couple to our parents, and maybe we'll keep the ones left. I don't know. Jordan might talk me into keeping all of them.

Visited your grave the other day and put down some new flowers. Jordan went with me this time, he brought along Alice Jr too. I feel bad that I don't cry anymore but Jordan says its normal, that my grieving period is over and that I'm moving on. I don't know. I still feel guilty for being able to live my life when you didn't get to. But who knows, you might actually be living your life in a better place. I hope you're happy wherever you are.

I think we might have another baby. I know Jordan's wants another one, since he can't take his eyes off the one we've already got. I've heard him mention once or twice that he likes the name Charlie. I'd like to have a kid named Charlie. Jordan doesn't know it yet, but I've already bought a ton of stuff for a boy. I'm hiding it all in the attic, since he never goes in the attic because of spiders. I bought a crib yesterday. Today while he was taking a walk with the pugs and Alice Jr, I went to the attic and painted Charlie on the front of the crib, with some cool looking superhero symbols too. Now I'm writing this letter.

Miss you Alice. I really wish there was a postal service in heaven. I'd be sending letters every day if there was.

Yours, Tom.

~~~

This was a drabble that I decided to post, it's not really much of a one shot and I didn't like the ending of it but I didn't know where else to put it so *shrug* I need to finish and post some of the 30+ drafts that I have anyway xD

Sorry it was kinda sad ;-; but I hope you liked it anyway! Love you and hope you have a good night <3

- Lee