Song: Small Bump by Ed Sheeran (I'm sorry. I'm currently obsessed with this red headed angel creature.)

~~~~

"You think you'd ever want to try again?"

"I don't know. It'd be nearly impossible anyway."

"No it's not. It's easy. We just gotta find the right place."

"Do you even want another one?"
"Yeah I do. I loved her too, Sparklez. You know I love kids."

"I know..." I sighed. It's been two weeks since she was murdered. I missed her so much. After my 13th nightmare about her death, I decided to tell Tom about how much sleep I was losing over my lost angel. And then he suggested that maybe we get another kid. But I didn't want another kid. I want Ianita. I miss holding her at night and calming her down when she had nightmares.

"Is there anything else I can do to help?" I felt his hand drape over my waist.

I smiled in the dark. "You've done enough. Thanks for staying here with me for a solid week..."

I literally haven't left the cave in a week. I just felt like if I did leave I'd have a mental breakdown. This place really was my happy place. I never wanted to leave. And Tom was so supportive with that. He went all the way back home and brought a bunch of clothes and food so we could stay here for awhile. And he brought Franklin. So that alone just made everything so much better. I love that pig.

"No problem. But um...we're probably gonna have to leave soon. We're running out of apples and clean clothes. And Franky is crapping everywhere." He laughed.

"Yeah I know. I just love this place so much. I don't ever wanna leave."

"It'll get better Sparklez. It always does."

And what if it doesn't? What's gonna happen then?

"It feels like there's a huge hole in my chest. It hurts."

"I'll try my best to fill it, I promise."

"No offense Tom, but I don't think you can. It's just...one of those things you can't really fix. It's too big to fill..."

When Ianita left, I think a large part of myself left too. I don't know if I'll ever be able to fix that.

"It can be fixed. We just need to find something to fill it with. Now go back to bed and stop worrying. We're gonna fill that hole and you're gonna be happy again. Goodnight." I felt him peck my forehead.

"Goodnight."

I hope this hole doesn't stay forever.

~

"I still don't understand the concept of this game. There is no...strategy. How do you win?" Matt studied the levers like they were a new species. Tom was trying to explain to him what TNT roulette was, but he was utterly confused as to why someone would take the odd chances to get blown up. We shared similar confusion.

"If you pick the right lever, you don't die. Simple as that. Aren't you like a thousand years old? Shouldn't you be hella smart or something?" I could hear him behind the stage setting up the TNT. I didn't argue with him about playing the game again. I didn't feel like it. Lately I don't feel like doing anything really. Ive just been taking up space.

"I am five thousand six hundred and seventy two years old. And yes, I am smart, but apparently not enough to understand why someone would take the chances to be blown up..." Matt scratched the back of his neck in confusion.

"Whatever. You gonna play or what?"

Matt shrugged. "I suppose I could. As long as it's okay with your husband that you are about to be blown up. Explosions cannot hurt me so...you would be the only one at risk here."

I heard Tom groan loudly. "Ughhhh he's gonna say no anyway...Sparklez can I play TNT roulette?"

I hadn't really been paying attention. I was looking at the wilted flowers around the bench I was sitting on. They weren't like that when I got here. Did I do that? Was I destroying more life?

"I don't care..." I muttered. I picked a dead lily from the ground and studied it. It seemed to wilt even more when I touched it. I am killing things. I am a pesticide to beautiful life.

"Jordan."

I broke my gaze away from the dead flower. Tom and Matt were both staring at me with worried expressions. Well, I assumed Matt was worried. His mask covered his entire face, so really I could never see what emotion he wore.

"You told me before you hated this game and you didn't want me to play it anymore." Tom crossed his arms in a strict manner.

"If it makes you happy, just go for it..." I threw the wilted lily back on the ground. I remember when she was in this exact spot, picking lilies and making flower crowns. It made me even sadder.

Tom sighed. "Sparklez...what's wrong?"

"What's not wrong? Im killing everything I'm around...even the flowers are dead because of me."

Matt walked over to the lily and picked it up, examining it. "I don't mean to be rude, but I believe your negative energy is what's killing the flowers..."

"Whatever...it's still my fault they're dead." I sounded so bitter I hated myself.

"Well...allow me give you some advice. Even the biggest problems can be fixed with just a little hard work and some happy vibes." Matt reached down and brushed the grass with his hands, and the flowers began to grow again. Even the grass looked a prettier shade of green.

"No offense Matt, but my problem is a lot more complicated than a few dead flowers. Magic can't fix what I'm feeling right now. Nothing can."

"Have hope Jordan. Your problem isn't as large as you think." He smiled.

"It sure feels like it." I picked another flower, and it wilted almost immediately.

"Appreciate now. Appreciate the loved ones you have. Because a lot of people don't have those loved ones."

I guess he was referring to his brothers. Maybe I was being a little selfish. I have Tom right in front of me. He will always love me and he would never leave me.

"You're right." I looked over to Tom, who was standing quietly behind Matt with worried brown eyes. "I love you Tom."

"I love you too...so can I play?" He have me puppy dog eyes and I laughed.

"As long as you're careful, I don't mind."

~

"Straighten your spine and open up your lungs. Breathe air like it is a fine sweet that you have not yet tasted." Matt took a deep breath and let it out slowly. Yoga is...difficult. Especially of Tom is distracting me the entire time I'm trying to do it with a bucket load of questions.

"Why do we have to close our eyes?" He whispered.

"I don't know just do what he's doing," I whispered back.

"Why do we have to breathe in? It's weird. Do you think it's weird?"

"Tom it's yoga you're supposed to do weird stuff."

"But its hardddd..."

"Yoga takes a focused and clear mind. It maybe be awhile before you can master it." Matt advised.

"Yeah my mind is not focused or clear. And I don't like having a focused and clear mind so...yeah I'm gonna go clean up after the pig." Tom began to get up from his mat.

"No please stay," I pleaded with him. "I want you to do this with me."

"It's boring Sparklez. You know I hate boring stuff."

"Please just stay a little while longer? I don't wanna do this alone."

"...fine." He plopped back down on the mat.

"Okay, I will continue now. Go in the same position you were in." Matt pinched his fingers together, closed his eyes, and breathed in. Tom and I did the same.

"You know what, you're right. I'm sorry Matt, but yoga isn't for me." I relaxed out of my position.

Tom sighed in relief and flopped down on the mat. "Thank the gods."

"That's quite alright. I suppose we'll have to find something to rid that negative energy." Matt stood up from his spot and stretched.

"Like what? We've tried everything. Gardening, herbal tea, yoga. Nothings working..." I still felt like I was killing everything around me. And I probably was. I walked outside an hour ago and a butterfly flew past me, and ultimately shriveled and died while it was still flying. That sort of broke my spirit.

"Perhaps we should go about this another way. What has always made you happy, no matter what mood you were in?"

I thought about it for awhile. I didn't actually know the answer to that question. It was kind of sad.
I heard Tom snicker. "I know the answer to that question."

"What? What are you talking about?" If I didn't know the answer, how would he even know it?

"You know...that thing we like to do, we really like to do." He smiled slyly. Oh. I get it now.

"Love making is a known solution to many issues, and it's been proven to work very successfully." Matt agreed.

I mentally cringed at how okay he was about Toms suggestion.

"Tom I love you to death but I'm really not in the mood. I think I'm just gonna go lay down. I'll see you later Matt. Thanks for the help." I rolled up my mat and headed back inside the tree. I didn't really want to sleep because I knew I'd dream about her, but I didn't want to do anything else but lay in bed and dwell in sadness.

I went to our room and laid down on the covers, pulling Toms soft blanket around me. This blanket never failed to make me feel safe and warm.

"I wish I could help. We're both trying really hard to make things better."

I felt the bed shift and a hand find it's way around my waist. I relaxed into its comfort.

"Thank you. I appreciate how supportive you're being."

"But you know...you have to try a little harder Sparklez. Matt and I can't help if you keep giving up."

I don't want to try to get better. I want her back. I want my daughter back. I can't live without her. The hole in my heart is too big. I can't fill it.

"Don't. You. Dare."

He sounded angry. Why was he angry? I didn't say or do anything.

"You know Dianite talks to me too. I'm his champion. He tells me what you think of sometimes. And don't you dare start thinking about suicide. I love you and if you leave I'm going too. You only had her for two months. You are not killing yourself over that."

"She was my daughter Tom...she was mine and I promised I'd protect her. And I wasn't there to protect her. I was worrying about Sonja and how I could help her. And then she ditched me so she could go with that insane freak she calls a boyfriend. I would be okay if she left naturally, like she was supposed to. But she didn't. She was murdered and she was so small and sweet and innocent...I can't even imagine how scared she must have been." I wiped away some stray tears with my shirt.

"Look, believe me, I know how you're feeling. I was in the room when they...when they did what they did to her. I have nightmares too. I miss her too. But Jordan she wouldn't want you to kill yourself. She kept you from it. That's why Ianite made her. To help you. Her existence would be all for nothing if you offed yourself. Don't do this. Please. I love you. I know things look so awful and grey and the sadness is just inescapable, but you can escape. I promise." He hugged me tighter and squeezed my hand.

"Tom..."

"Yes?"

"I want another kid."
~~~~~~~
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- Lee