Song: I Wanna Get Better by Bleachers
~~~~~~~~

Jordans p.o.v.

"Wake up. Come on Sparklez, wake up." I felt someone gently shaking my shoulder. I cracked an eye open to see Sonja on my side of the bed. Is this a dream? Maybe it was. I don't know. I've had so many dreams tonight I can't even tell what's real and what's not.

"Mmh...what?" I asked her. I didn't feel like pinching myself. I was too tired.

"Come up to the living room. I have to show you something. It's about Ianita." She whispered.

I groaned and began to sit up from the bed. I needed sleep. With Ianita here, I haven't had a single nightmare, so I've been able to sleep all night. Well. Part of the night. "I'm coming..."I grumbled.

I followed Sonja up the stairs and tried not to collapse down them. Man I was exhausted. When we reached the living room, I looked to the coffee table and saw a book laying on it. The forbidden book. With forbidden magic. Oh god.

"Sonja...I'm not reading any of that stuff. Im barely alive as it is." I collapsed onto the couch and curled up into a ball. Sonja laughed and sat down beside me.

"You're not reading anything else, I promise. I read it."

My eyes widened and I gave her a look of disbelief. How was she still alive then? She said before she could never read much of it before she started getting attacked by guardians.

"Chill, I found a way to ease the affects. A special type of goggles can help me read the pages without getting killed. Do you want to know what I found out about Ianite and Ianita? It's pretty ground breaking." She pulled the book into her lap and began to flip through the pages.

"I mean...I guess so." I shrugged. I'm gonna need to borrow those glasses she's talking about. They sound pretty cool.

"Okay, so here's what I found out. Ianita wasn't born from Ianite. She was created. There's these things called golden eggs, you take a regular egg and dip it in melted gold. But before you dip it in, you add the DNA of who you want the child to look like into the melted gold. When you dry the egg and let it hatch, a life form is born. It's made to protect the lives of the ones it's made of. It was especially used in olden times for easing the side affects of forbidden magic to a human. I think Ianite created Ianita to protect you."

I was sort of disappointed and happy at the same time. Disappointed because she isn't actually a human and she isn't really my daughter. Happy because I finally found out why she's here. That's why she shows up every time I go nuts. She was made to help me.

"Sonja...what's the life span of one of these...things?" I didn't want to refer to her as a thing. She's still mine. Whatever she is.

A look of worry crossed her face. "Um...maybe I shouldn't really tell you that."

"What? Why not?" That's bad. It's bad news. Why did I even ask?

"It's uh...it's complicated." She scratched the back of her neck nervously.

"Tell me anyway." I want to know how long I have with my little girl.

She sighed and finally gave in. "When the person the life form is trying to protect doesn't need them anymore, they die off."

Die. She's going to die if I get better. This is not what I wanted. I didn't know getting better would result in losing a part of me. I can't lose her. That would be the end of my life.

"I'm going back to bed." I muttered. I rushed off towards the stairs before she could say another word. Why did she even wake me up? All she did was tell me I wasn't even Ianitas father and that she would eventually die someday.

I slunk back into my bed and drawled the covers back over my head. I can never catch a break around here. I'm hardly ever happy anymore. Everything I love dies. Capsize. Ianite. And now Ianita.

It wasn't fair. Everyone else got to keep the things they love. Tucker has Sonja. Mot has Dianite and Alyssa.

I hope fate doesn't take Tom away too. It'd be too much. I feel like my reasons to be alive are slowly being cut, like pieces of thread. I'm hanging on by one little thread, and that's Tom. If that thread snaps...I don't want to think about what would happen.

You'd kill yourself. And you'd love it.

I flinched at the voice. I hadn't heard it since Ianita had arrived here. I wanted to cry now that it was back.

I wouldn't love it. I'd hate myself for it because I left friends behind.

Really? I think you're lying to yourself. You know you'd like that relief. That relief when the weight of guilt is lifted from your shoulders. Don't you want that? I know you do. Leave them. They don't need you anyway. Tom doesn't need you.

As much as I hated that voice and it's suggestions, I couldn't help but feel it was right. I wanted to feel the sweet release of death. I wanted to no longer feel guilty. But what would Tom think if I killed myself? He'd probably think I was just seeking attention. I am seeking attention...

Typical suicidal Jordan.

I began to think of ways I could kill myself without it being difficult. I could drown myself. Sink to the bottom of the ocean with plastic bags full of rocks tied down to my wrists. I could hang myself. No. I don't want a broken neck when I die. Too gross to look at if they have a funeral. I could cut my wrists.

I could cut my wrist. My mind replayed the thought. I held up my hands and looked at the objects of my thoughts. It would be easy. Probably messy and bloody, but easy. Quick, painless. No more guilt. No more worries. I sighed wistfully. It must be nice to be dead.

"Daddy, don't go." I heard a small voice whimper. I looked over my shoulder to see Ianita staring at me with tear filled eyes. Did I say my thoughts out loud or something? She can't read my mind.

"Mommy says you want to leave. Don't go daddy. Uncle Tom will miss you." She looked over to Tom, who was still sleeping peacefully on his side. Would he miss me? He's said it before that he would.

"Does your mommy want me to stay?" I asked her quietly.
She nodded furiously and hugged my arm. "Mommy and uncle Tom love you. They don't want you to go. If you go, Uncle Tom will go too." She sniffled. What? How could she even know that? Tom wouldn't kill himself.

Would he?

"How do you know that?"

"Mommy showed me. Uncle Tom jumped." She let a small little sob escape her mouth. It broke my heart. I pulled her close to me and wrapped my arms around her small body. She shouldn't have to see that. She's just a little girl.

"What else did your mommy show you?" I was terrified she'd seen me kill myself. I don't want a little girl to see me do that. Especially my little girl.

She raised a small hand to my cheek and softly brushed it over my stubble.

Pictures danced in front of my eyes. It was me. I was sitting in Toms tree, cutting up an apple on our bed. I didn't look good. My face was really pale and I had bags under my eyes. I didn't show any emotions at all as I cut through the apple.

And then I stopped halfway through. I stared at the knife in blank interest. My eyes wandered over the handle and then the blade itself. And then, in just a blink of an eye, I slit my left wrist. Blood oozed from it like a river. Guilt flooded my face and I cut the other wrist. I placed the knife back down on the bed and laid down on the covers. I just laid there. The blood started to soak the sheets, but I didn't seem to care. I stared at the ceiling blankly.

And then my eyes closed.

"Don't go daddy. Don't leave Uncle Tom. He loves you daddy." Ianita cried into my chest. She saw me kill myself. That's so horrible. I felt actual shame for it, and I wasn't even the one who showed her it.

"I won't. As long as Uncle Tom stays, I'll stay too."

~

"What were you talking about with Ianita last night?"

The question caught me off guard. We were outside, after being trapped in Tucker's Dojo for almost a week. Sticks, leaves, broken boards, jagged stones, and everything else considered as rubble littered the grass. I couldn't even see the grass anymore. It was just piles and piles of broken things. We were trying to pick up some of it so we could actually walk without getting stabbed in the foot, but it was proving to be difficult.

"What did you hear exactly?" I mumbled. I shoved more broken glass into my trash bag and tried to not look him directly in the eyes.

"I just heard one thing. Her saying something like don't go. Were you gonna leave the dojo or something?"

I didn't want to tell him. I was scared about what he would think.

Typical suicidal Jordan.

Shut up. God I hate you.

"No...she was just scared about a dream or something." It was honest. She was scared about her dreams.

He didn't say anything for awhile, but I could hear the clatter of things being thrown into a bag.

"Sparklez...about what I said yesterday...I was being an ass. If you're really having trouble with that stuff, please tell me. I won't make fun of you or judge you. I just want you to be happy."

Aw. He sounded so caring. Darn it. Why did I have to marry a charming guy?

"I thought about offing myself." I blurted out. The noise of clutter stopped. I could have worded that better.

"I just want the guilt to stop. Did you know that Ianita isn't actually human? She's just this thing made to serve me. Ianite made her. And get this, she dies whenever I get better. So yeah. How many people is that dead? Let's see, Capsize, Ianite, Ianita pretty soon. Three right? Oh wait. Forgot about guard Tom. Four I guess. All because of me." I laughed at a joke that wasn't even made. I think my soul died a little. I'm losing my mind.

"You know Tom, sometimes I wonder what my old life was like. Did I have a good life before this? Did I have a girlfriend or a boyfriend or a partner of some sort, maybe even a family? Or was I this social outcast that everyone hated so much they didn't even notice when I disappeared? I think any life is better than this one. Even if I was a homeless prostitute living on the streets. Any thing is better than dealing with these gods. The only thing keeping me from grabbing one of these glass shards and ending myself, is a single thread. It's you. Because I know that if I leave, you will too. And I don't want you to, so..." I wiped away my tears with the back of my hand. I feel like I've cried enough this week to make a small dam.

It was still silent. No birds, no wind, no nothing. I actually wondered for a moment if he was still here, until I heard his voice again. "I didn't know it was this bad...why didn't you tell me you were thinking about this stuff?" He didn't sound mad or upset. He sounded calm. It made my heart rate go a little steadier.

"Typical suicidal Jordan..." I muttered to myself. I began to stuff more trash into the bag as I walked away from him.

"You aren't like that. Don't call yourself that." I could hear him trying to follow me, but I kept quickening my pace while I picked up clutter.

"The voices call me that..." I kicked a beer bottle half way across the yard and it broke against a stone slab sticking up from the ground.

More silence. He must think I'm crazy. A lunatic.

"Tell me everything. Every guilty thought you've ever felt, all the angry and negative feelings towards me, and all of the horrible sad ones too. Tell me. Don't even hold back. I won't get angry at you and I won't get upset. Just tell me. I'm sick of trying to read your mind."

Don't hold back.

Good luck with that. You always hold back everything. Typical.

I won't this time.

"I feel guilty for hurting all of these people. Sometimes I think you're a complete jerk who thinks I'm useless. Sometimes I think...that maybe you'd be better off without me. That maybe we shouldn't have gotten married. I feel like I've only caused you pain..." I took a deep breathe and tried to remember anything else I've hidden to myself.

"A few times in the past, I woke up disappointed that you were beside me in bed and Capsize wasn't. I miss the days where we had hate for eachother rivalry-wise. I feel guilty a lot of times because I feel like I'm changing your personality as time goes by. One time I had a dream about..." I had to swallow before I could continue. There was a lump so big in my throat I couldn't breathe.

"About making love to Capsize. And I cried when I woke up because you weren't her."
That had to have hurt him. I needed to cover up the stings. What about hidden embarrassing things? I had some of those that involved him.

"Sometimes I feel awkward during sex because I'm so much shorter than you." Oh god. I could feel my cheeks burning. I heard him let out a snicker. That's a good sign. I need to keep going.

"This one time...when I was sick and I was throwing up the morning after a night with you...I may have thought for a small fraction of a second that I was pregnant."

He burst out in a fit of giggles, which made me even redder. I still need to keep going. I hate this.

"Ugh...here's the last one...I have...oh my gods..." I groaned and swallowed at the lump again. He was gonna flip at this one. "I have a fantasy that I think of a lot...and it's um...of you being a male stripper."

He practically started cackling and I could no longer feel my face because it was so numb. I hid my face in my hands and tried to bury my shame in them. It wasn't working.

I felt him pull me into his arms and I was soon face to face with a giddy Tom. "Aw Sparklez, don't be embarrassed! We all have fantasies. Although I could make yours come true if you wanted." He wiggled his eyes brows at me and I buried my head in his shoulder in utter shame.

"Then what's your fantasy?" I asked, my voice slightly muffled by his shirt.

"Erm. I dunno if you really want to know what mine is. I think your face might pop of I told you." He laughed and brushed a finger over my heated cheeks.

"Tell me anyway, I'm too curious. I'll just have to pop."

He looked at me slyly for a moment before letting out a dark chuckle. "Nah. I don't think you're ready for my imagination yet. Let's just say, I have a dungeon built somewhere in this town...and I'd love to see your pretty face locked up in there." He squeezed my cheek, and it wasn't the one covered in blush.

"Tell me. Please. I want to know." I want to know what he imagines about me. It makes me feel way affectionate.

"You really wanna know?" He purred in my ear. I nodded furiously. My heart was racing. I wanted to know what Tom Syndicates fantasy was.

"I want you to take control of me." He whispered.

What? I expected something way worse. Like me being tied up or me being forced to do things he wanted to do.

"And why do you want that? You're usually the one who likes to do that stuff." I haven't topped in awhile. I didn't know he even like me topping him.

"Why would I not want a body builder with flame tattoos and sexy purple hair to dominate me?" He asked sarcastically.

I don't know why, but the thought of me taking complete control of Tom made me burst out in hysterical laughing. He frowned and lifted an eyebrow. "What? What did I say?"

"Just...you're the guy in this marriage! I can't imagine me doing something like that!" I laughed harder.

He crossed his arms and pouted. "Thanks for laughing at my fantasy, you jerk."

"I'm sorry I'm sorry. Do you really want that, though?"

"Yeah I do." He rolled his eyes.

"Then...I guess I'll try it one day. I just don't think nows a good time."

"Now is a perfect time. Let's go back to the tree." He tugged at my arm but I stood rooted to my spot.

"Tom...I need to watch Ianita. And I'm still dealing with...you know...things." I hinted at my suicidal thoughts confession.
"Sonja can watch her. And a night alone is just what you need to help with this stuff. Please~?" He sang.

"Tom. Are you forgetting I'm insane? What if something goes wrong during it? I can't control the powers yet. I don't want to blow you up into bits..."

"Sparklez it's fine, let's just go! You need to say Yolo every once in a while and just do it!" He grinned excitedly.

I sighed. I didn't want to hurt him. I would probably do that if I lost control of my head. But it would be pretty cool if I was the one giving orders...

"Fine. I'll tell Sonja and then we'll go."

He clapped his hands together excitedly and squealed. "Yay!" He squeaked and hugged me tightly.

This is not a good idea.

~

And it wasn't.

Halfway through, I lost my mind. I literally just lost my mind, I didn't even know where I was until hours later after it all happened. It was like something took whatever rules and responsibilities I've always lived by and threw them down a well.

But Tom...he didn't mind. At all. When I finally got control back over my thoughts, he was dead asleep in my arms with a large smile on his face. And me? I felt like I'd been engulfed in a sea of guilt. He was covered in bruises. His wrists had marks on them and so did his ankles. He was covered in...wax? I shuddered at the thought of what I had done to him. We weren't even in our bed! We were laying on a mattress in the middle of a stone brick room that was pitch black, except for the small light peeking from the caged window. I felt horrible. What had I done to my poor husband?

"Hey...you're awake." I heard him chuckle dryly. I looked down into my lap where he was laying peacefully. The knot in my stomach tightened when I saw how exhausted he looked.

"Tom...what did I do to you?" I asked horrified.

"Amazing things. I never thought you could be that bad Sparklez." He grinned slyly.

That bad? What was bad?! I can't believe I've done this...

"I don't know what happened! One second I was taking my shirt off the next I'm staring at your abused and broken body! You're actually okay with what I did to you?!"

"Well yeah. More than okay. You made my fantasy come true, and maybe even exceeded my expectations. Why are you so upset about it? You were fine with it last night when you were killing me with that whip of yours." He nodded towards the discarded whip on the floor a few feet away from the mattress. I shuddered again. I'm a terrible person.

"Tom that wasn't me! I didn't do that stuff to you! I wouldn't do that stuff to you! Did you not know I was being controlled?!"

"No. Just thought you were enjoying it. Like, really enjoying it." He chuckled.

"I mean...was I? Did I look like I was?" I certainly felt satisfied, except for the gnawing guilt in the pit of my stomach.

"You were growling. I think that's a good sign that you were having fun."

I groaned. I looked him over again, my eyes catching on the bruises splotched across his stomach and chest and cheeks.

"Do those hurt? Are you in pain?" They looked painful. I can only imagine what he felt when I actually made them.

"Not really. They felt good earlier though. Stop worrying. I had fun and you did too. It was the most fun I've had in a very very long time." He smiled sweetly and gave me a peck on the lips, and then he started making out with me.

Dang. I must have done great last night.

"You will never know how much I love you, Jordan Sparklez." He yawned and laid back down in my lap, closing his eyes and falling back into sleep.

Well...at least one good thing came out of being insane.
~~~~
SEXY TIME WHOOHOO! XD
Okay so like I tried to make this smutty, but really I couldn't do it so here's my failed attempt at making a smut chapter xD

Hope you guys enjoyed! This chapter was really hard to press the publish button on xD Please leave me a comment or a favorite if you did like it! Thank you~ <3

- Lee