I am not innocent of all things, which is at foremost: not everything I know about myself is right. Last year was tough in every ways, and this year I am going to high school. My only plan is to graduate, although I have not started yet, and the rest of my plan is nonexistent. I got into one of the high school versions of the Ivy Leagues here in our city, Victoria High School, and though I do not seek to walk through their hallways everyday, alas my family were proud so that makes me at ease, so much so that I do not get lost on my own pacific of thoughts.

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I have a forethought of going to the same school where my family members graduated, and I dare say I am a legacy, which sounds ludicrous, as if I will drown my sorrows to death if I didn't passed, in which my family and I are convinced I will pass. But in God's plan I did not...

I did not get what I want, instead I am left with a pool of humiliation, disappointment, and oppression to swim over this whole summer or I might say, my whole life. I felt so helpless and stupid that my own confidence, and I venture, ruined me. I despise myself more than a rat looking itself in the mirror. Day and night I made a fixation to myself, crying in front of my reflection, wiping off the marks that may imply that I cried.

There was not enough choices to be made, so I put forward to be walking to Victoria's hallways and greeting as much as teachers I can for four years. Misery has not left my soul since, and for that I cried my first day, and the next day, and the day after, and on and on and on, until I can finally bear how I have always live my life from the day I learned to breathe, until the day I "attempted" not to breathe. But days were easier as it goes, I met some friends, someone else's friends, and Arlee...

My urine could not preclude itself for another minute seeing that it is committed to my mind for the last four hours. As I sprint through my way to the bathroom, I knock someone including their belongings by a mere chance. I am literally on the edge of peeing myself when I'm picking up her notebooks.

"I am really sorry. I apologize for bumping into you. I really need to pee.", I muttered.

I certainly could not ponder if I've already wet my pants or the feeling just went away after which she glanced at me and say, "You should go. I don't wanna be the cause of wetting your pants."

And the lunacy has entered my body as I say, "I am Aurie Hopps", with a deep sign of desperation. She stared, she smiled, and says, "I am Arlee Het.", and thank God she did.

I have a few friends that none of which is name is Arlee: Destiny Pier, Elena Biff, and my abiding best friend/mother, which I know sounds immature and absurd. But if the definition of best friend is "someone who is there for you through thick and thin" (by UrbanDictionary), that would be my mother. She's the only gripping reason I open my eyes to the world. She deliberately explains to me that it is okay to have secrets but if it ultimately ruins your mind, you have to let it go to someone.

Destiny understands me in a way that we have similar tastes on almost everything we do, excluding reading books and being social. Elena is Destiny's best friend, not that we are entitled to be friends, but nothing seems to work for us to be on the same mind. And as luck would have it, Destiny introduced Arlee with nothing but sophistication, as if she isn't already filled with her own elegance. "We met. Aurie and I have met...on the hallways.", Arlee explains, leaving the section where I relentlessly struggle to restrain myself to pee. In the course of our time together, all four us starts to grow a bond, I wouldn't say unbreakable but it sure is vigorous than any bond I had with my some other friends.

In the meantime, I made a business, to some extent, inside the campus: Math Tutoring. I like Math as to say that I like speaking and explicate it's language, and for that reason it is easy for me to make money out of it. Math is not about finding "x", it's about finding the value of "x", in correspondence to our exes. While Arlee is one of those people who believe that finding "x" is not worth considering, I have every intention to do her a service even so she doesn't pay me at any rate.

"What is wrong?", I ask with no shade of aggression.

"I have rheumatic heart disease. Meaning, I can't have too much stress, or my heart will skip a beat or two.", she answers as she smiles.

"No, I'm sorry. I meant what part do you have the hardest time understanding.", I reiterate as I felt a slight of concern.

"Oh, I'm sorry. I thought you were noticing of my heavily breathing.", which I did not notice.

But as the longing days become months, I become conscious of the fact that I am fond of Arlee, and the how and the why I feel what I feel towards her. I simply like talking to her, correlate to her, and how she stares at my eyes as I go to a watery grave of her ocean eyes, but that doesn't entirely demystify why I think of her when she's not in existence. I tried so hard-and so help God me- not to think of the world as a burden without her, but it is like meeting her is sealed to my fate.

"Mom, can I ask you something?", I conclude to ask my mother of reassurance for the troubles that detain me from sleeping or doing any activity whatsoever. "How would you react of a child who's gay?", I know sounds conceded but I don't know what you're supposed to say anymore.

"It really depends on the the child's environment...", my mother answers, but the silence made me off the stroke, as it creeps through the kitchen's walls. "But like I said, I am your mother, my love for you will find a way to understand that you are you.", my mother eventually adds, and that rests my heart out, as well as the fried chicken she's cooking.

Every Friday, all four of us agreed to eat in In-n-Out, which is a lavish way to empty your pockets, if you ask me, but then anything to get a glimpse of what could I be missing.

"We don't have to do this, you know. You're losing your business money to eat in In-n-Out. I know you have your own lunch, and may I add is a succulent chicken nugget.", Arlee mumbles as Destiny and Elena brushed off to the bathroom.

"Okay, I'm not doing this for In-N-Out. I'm doing this to hang out with you. And second, it's not chicken nuggets, it's actually fried chicken and my mother prepared it.", I ponderously explain to her, afterwards laughing at each other for how serious we were at arguing, although she made a lucid point throughout our debate.

Circumstances took a detour when Arlee sent me a deeply-rooted text, "But seriously, you have to care a little less to what people think of you. You're beautiful, smart, kind and caring, seems like you got the whole package."

I suppose that's what I needed to hear, but instead it made me feel more peculiar and less than of sane. "For a very long time, I was desperate not to breathe, as in past tense.", I replied, not thinking much of how she is going to act when with me.

"Why?", she utterly asks, and once again made me question what she now think of me.

"There were thousands of reasons that, trust me, you don't want to know. And then recently, I didn't want to go to Victoria's. I dreamt of going to another school that was supposed to help me. I was so sanguine that I didn't question my own knowledge before taking the exam. And the impact took a big hit on me, so as did the people's judgements.", I explain.

"Maybe you weren't supposed to be in 'that' school. Maybe judgements are judgements...or nothing. Maybe everything does happen for a reason. Well, I can say that now 'cause we would never have met if you didn't go to Victoria.", she replies, as I acknowledge the vague method of her showing compassion. "Shall I thank you then for not passing your dream school? Aurie, I'm thankful that I met you.", she says, leaving me grateful of the life with the people I care.

I took the liberty to ask my friend, Destiny, for some advice that might help me find a quietus beyond my thoughts, whilst giving not too much information of my personal interests.

"Have you ever had that occurrence in your life when you're so caught up with something, you want to do something about it but don't know what to do?", I asked, perhaps making Destiny furrow her forehead.

Primarily, she thought she doesn't know but eventually she says, "Do what you love. In my case, I like talking to people, so I talk it out, mostly to you. For you, I believe you love writing so maybe you could write a story about it? Or I don't know."

I guess her advice was veracious and effective as it did help me figure things until my English teacher, Ms. Rachel, found my opus and concludes that giving me an intervention helps me realize something.

"I know you wrote this.", she says in hostile.

"A friend told me to express my troubles to something that I love to do. Hence, I concluded with that.", I say.

"Who's it for? I'm sorry, I shouldn't ask.", she asks out of his curiosity.

"I can't tell you that. But it's not like I'm gonna let her read it.", I answer, doubting my prior actions. "Should I? She wouldn't find this fascinating.", I question myself.

"How would you know if haven't given it to her?", he asks, proving a point.

"Maybe, lover's intuition. I don't know.", I reply.

"Well, it's just a story you wrote with different character names. Whoever, whatever is your relationship then doesn't have to change now except you want it to.", he explains as I gain trust to my own decisions.

The next few days were yearning until Christmas day. My mother once told me, "As you get older, you don't really know what you want for Christmas until someone gives it to you.", after which I asked her what she wanted. I never really know what it meant, so I decided to wait as I get older.

But then one erratic night, I couldn't close my eyes without wondering what my mother said and what might be the impeccable reason she had said that.

I made my way through the kitchen, even though my stomach is still sated, to see if there's any thing that would repress me to sleep. But then I saw my mother in our living room, seems to be doing the same thing I am.

"What are you doing?", my mother asks, as she taps the couch, indicating me to sit beside her.

"I couldn't sleep, either.", I said.

"I didn't say I couldn't sleep.", my mother answers.

"You don't have to.", I replied, both of us laughing at the end.

"What's going on with your 'extraordinary' mind?", she asks, showing a slight of worry. "I'm sorry I'm not as good as you with words. I tried to do 'extraordinary' but...yeah.", she adds, making me question my choice of words talking to others.

"I have to tell you something.", I say, actually I have a lot to explain. "I didn't tell you this at the time because I'm scared that you'll change your behavior towards me. When I failed my exam to your dream school, I assumed people would've laughed at me. So, I thought to myself I am your biggest disappointment, thus attempting not to breathe until I never breathe at all.", I explain so poignant that I made a waterfall through my tears.

"Oh my God. I am so sorry, Aurie. I never knew you felt that way. I really am sorry. Honey, I would never wish to change the way I love and care for you. And if I was given the chance to change one thing about you, I would never. This is the gift that I never knew I wanted.", she answers, as she pulls me, hugging me like a mother never did to a child before.

As our school's Christmas Party approaches, I have intended to give my friends a somewhat gift for them to contemplate over this winter break. Although I do not suppose something in return, I gave Destiny an iridescent earings, and Elena an exaxt replica of Rue's ring, which is a nod for their favorite show "Euphoria".

However for Arlee, I thought a music notebook was appropriate enough for her ever-growing passion to music. But it was never accurate enough for me and reach to a decision of finally revealing her the story I wrote, through sliding it into one the notebook's pages.

I was supposedly on my way home when I overhear those notes rendering a perfect melody of Capriccio in B-flat Major, and following it's sound through the music room with Arlee playing the piano.

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"It's beautiful.", I point out for there are no other words to describe everything her.

"Thanks. And for the gift", Arlee replies plainly.

"Oh you've open it?", I ask with nervousness in my tone.

"No, I imagine myself being surprise with whatever it is, though. So, thank you.", she answers. "I almost forgot.", she says as she takes out a gift covered with an peach-colored wrapper.

"You don't have to give me anything.", I say.

"I know. But I want to.", she replies, giving me, what it seems to be, the Call Me By Your Name book.

"Seriously, this is like 20 dollars or something. I can't accept this, this costs too much for someone like me.", I say, returning her ostentatious gift back.

"Let me explain. My mother works in a bookstore. Someone returned this book, teared some pages and I asked my mother to take it. Since some of it is ripped, I tried my best at taping the pages together.", she clarifies.

"Call Me By Your Name. How did you know it's most sensible to give it to me?", I ask.

"I don't know. Intuition, maybe.", she answers.

"I told my mother about my agonizing occurrence of my life and hugged me in consequence of it.", I reveal to her, accentuating anything but the screeching tension that is pervading the entire room.

"Oh, that's good, Aurie. I'm happy for you.", she says, showing a slight concern in her face.

"Do you know what's silly? I think I actually fell asleep on her arms.", I say once more as we share an amicable smile.

After the countless nights of setting my eyebrows on fire for one intolerable exam, I can finally bring out the biggest sigh of someone whose weary continues to be a menace. But that doesn't last long as I hear a knock on the door. My mother lets Arlee inside and leave us to have a conversation.

"Hi", I awkwardly say.

"Hey.", Arlee says, then I realized she might've read the story.

"I'm sorry about the story. I knew it wasn't appropriate.", I pardon, but she insists,

"No. I love it, I do. It's lonely but true.", she says. "Aurie, my family and I are going to move in Sacramento...And we're leaving tomorrow.", she mentions with a long pause of agitation.

"Ummm...I don't know what to say.", I state for I cannot find any word to express the heaviness of my heart.

"I don't want you to.", she mutters. "If you want, come give me a goodbye at the airport, please.", she says, suddenly giving me the chance to do anything but to talk.

"I'll be there. I'm happy for you, Arlee.", I say, though deeply unprepared of the unprecedented.

Nightfall strikingly found an escapism prior to what's to come and caused me and the girls to spend our whole nights in a gauzy beach with the four of us splashing around as if we're children. I try not to think much of the future more so than ever as I cruise wherever the night takes me.

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I'm surprised no one talked or even stumble upon the fact that Arlee is leaving and we are left with the hurried time we so vibrantly shared with her.

On the way home, Elena and I caught ourselves in a conversation we never had with someone.

"You sad?", Elena asks, as I glanced over the sleeping Arlee and Destiny. "You should've told her how you felt. No more secret stares, just give her what she needs.", she adds, but I kept my silence "Look, you don't have to say anything to me but you have to tell her something. I understand your situation, all that confused feelings mixed with passion for someone you're not supposed to have...been there done that.", she explains and that made me look straight at her.

"Wait, you're gay? I'm sorry, I should not ask you like that.", I whisper, and she nods in approval.

"Destiny knows, I already told her years ago.", she says.

Destiny never told us or anyone that her best friend is gay. With that fact, she never treated her any different or acted different with her. Destiny is the most open-booked person I know and perhaps the most understanding friend I have.

Still the unwanted came while existence goes on with our hearts fragmented by those vivid encounters that remain only to be an encounter. My mother, much of understanding her daughter, drives me directly to the airport and wait until her daughter decides to move on with life itself.

"I'm glad you came.", she whispers as she sees me walking towards her.

"Don't be like that. I know you wanted me here.", I jokingly say. She modestly clips her hair under her ears, exchanging an alluring glance afterwards.

"So, the story, was it...", she says but as soon as she mentions "the story" I interrupt her, "Yes." Yes, it is about you.

I've always think you are beautiful and passionate especially how you play the piano like your fingertips irrevocably touches the moonlight as I finally realize I fall in love with you time after time.

As we walk through the door, we couldn't help but wonder our lives after we walk away from each other. I couldn't withstand the silence of which is consuming me and Arlee and so, I kissed her.

"Don't you ever forget about me.", I whisper underneath her ears as I walk away on my way back to the car.

I didn't vividly heard what she says back but then I knew everything does happen for a reason.

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My mother holds my hand as I got inside the car, apprising me that she very much understands.

"You knew?", I ask her, trying not to tear up.

"You don't look at someone like that unless you're in love.", mother answers. "Let's eat something good to make it a distraction from all this.", she says as she drives the car where it seems to be In-N-Out.

"Don't cry, don't cry, don't cry.", I note to myself as my mind takes me back to our every Friday lunch conversations in In-N-Out.

A lot of fresh memories here, I would say in the back of my mind, but this moment right here right now sure will stick to my mind and my heart and I am glad I am alive for this moment.

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P.S. For everyone who is confused or thinks that you're not capable of loving someone, especially yourself...I LOVE YOU AND YOU ARE BEAUTIFUL