hands numb at the fingertips
thoughts clouded,
head heavy
a thousand wandering eyes
and my own start to prick with tears
the salty kind
the ones that burn
your skin on the way down.

I see strangers judge me
in the streets
their eyes are daggers
they hurt me
and throw me into the dirt
I'm starting to think
you're like
the others too.

when I get home,
I drink.
it burns my throat like poison
I chug and I chug and I swallow
until there's nothing left.
I drink to take my mind away from the pain,
to take my loving eyes off of you.

an endless nightmare
of suffering
my head never hitting the pillow
but resting in my palms instead
while you sleep soundly
and in the morning
your smile, well rested
makes me feel beaten.

I look the worst,
but I don't care anymore.
tired of caring about appearance
and trying to hide those tears
conceal those black eyes from sleep deprived nights
instead I sit there waiting,
staring at the back wall
for a miracle, a hit
I need a shoulder to sleep on,
and forget.