[ third person's pov ]

Sorrow.

It was as simple as that, wasn't it?

Grief.

Loss.

Anyone could imagine how it must've felt like to lose someone close to you, someone you once held dear.

Alec nor Isabelle knew that feeling until they knew that they had lost her for good.

And it was a feeling neither of them knew how to cope with.

If it weren't for Isabelle's quiet sobs every night from her room, or Clary's sudden breakdowns during the day, the air would be filled with nothing but silence.

If it weren't for Jace's angry, guilt ridden lashing out, and Alec's noticeable silence, would everyone notice that they were trying their hardest to keep it together.

"She's gone again, Alec!" You could hear Jace's heart wrenching shout down the hall of the living space every now and then, "And this time- it's because of me! We lost her again and it's all my fault!"

Jace took it the hardest.

He would trash his bedroom multiple times, breaking any item he saw, slamming his fists against the wall.

If Isabelle hadn't walked into his bedroom when she did after what felt like the hundredth time of hearing nothing but ruckus, he would've driven a blade right through his own heart.

It was because of how much he blamed himself.

He hated himself for her death.

He hated that he had lost his best friend again.

And it was because he wasn't strong enough to fight Lilith's compulsion.

Except, Jace wasn't the only one feeling guilt.

Clary had been trying her best to hold herself together, but it was proven difficult when she was alone.

When she witnessed Jace's outbursts.

She felt completely responsible for her death.

If she hadn't broken under the compulsion of the Soul Sword, Zee wouldn't have ended up in the Gard.

She wouldn't have been killed.

Simon blamed himself for her death too.

He repeatedly told himself that he caused the explosion and got her killed.

Especially since she saved him from death.

"What do you want me to say?" Isabelle's words held nothing but emptiness in them, "I can't handle- feeling nothing- I don't feel her at all- and that's what hurts the most!"

She felt nothing.

Magnus could barely get through his usual amount of martinis until winding up drunk, not having the tolerance he did when he was a warlock.

And he wasn't complaining.

He knew death was something that was inevitable for their kind, he'd gone through loads of deaths. He just hadn't expected hers to be so soon.

Sure he saved Jace, but- at what cost?

And then there was Alec.

Alec put up a front for everyone, but what he tried his best to not let anyone know was how he laid in the bed she used to sleep in because it still smelled like her.

How he'd look through his phone millions of times a day to look at all of the photos and videos he had saved of her, just to see her face again.

How he could barely look at himself in the mirror because he couldn't see himself without her.

Listening to the mundane music she would play when playing her drums, trying to feel close with her.

Spending most nights crying his eyes out, in distraught that she left him this early, begging the Angels for a miracle that she was alive and trying to find a way back home to him.

"This can't be real." Alec wrote in a journal, seated on Zee's bed, tears burning in his eyes, "You can't be dead, I can't live without you- I don't know how I'm supposed to go on."

"I need you- I need you more than anything in this world, you're all I need." Alec was quietly sobbing to himself while he wrote in the journal, not being able to voice his thoughts, so he wrote them down instead, "I miss you so much."

And he kept writing.

-

[ zee's pov ]

"Good morning." I heard an unfamiliar voice sound when my eyes cracked open, an unusual chill filling my body at my wake.

I pulled my aching body into a seating position, my eyes taking up on the person the voice came from, "Who the hell are you?"

He stares, "Don't you see the family resemblance?"

I pushed myself onto my feet, looking between him and the broken sarcophagus, the sight making all the memories rush back instantly, "You're back."

"That's right." Jonathan took a step, "Resurrection brought back my real face."

I looked at him, "Where's Lilith?"

"Back in Edom- where she belongs." Jonathan inhales deeply, "You've been asleep for days- you must be starving- how about I make you some breakfast and a nice cup of tea?"

"No." I walked past him and looked around the apartment, then finally noticed the slight aching on my skin, pulling my dress to the side lightly and taking notice of what Lilith had carved onto me, "What the hell is this?"

Jonathan pulled his shirt down a bit and showed me the matching rune, "Kind of like our family emblem."

"Don't do that." I locked eyes with him, "It's what brought you back to life."

"It's a symbol of our bond-" Jonathan inches closer to me, letting go of his shirt, "I wouldn't be alive without my little sister."

"Believe me, if it were up to me, it would've never happened." I looked past him and spotted doors, before heading over to the window and pulling open the curtains to see nothing but snow and mountains, "How the hell isn't this apartment up in flames- and where the hell are we?"

"Siberia." Jonathan walked toward me with every move I made to get away from him.

I swallow hard, "The apartment can move?"

"Cool, huh?" Jonathan's voice lowered.

I inhale, "Of all places, why the hell Siberia?"

"Lilith sent us here to keep us safe." He says.

I roll my eyes, "Safe?"

"You're an escaped prisoner, Zee." Jonathan reminds me, "If the Clave found out you were still alive, they would kill you on sight."

I don't reply.

"Don't worry, they will never find you." Jonathan's words sent shivers up my spine, "I'll make sure of it."

"If you're looking for a thank you, you're not gonna get it." I shut the curtains without another word.

"You don't have to thank me- you're my sister." Jonathan said to me, "I'll do whatever it takes to protect you."

"Okay- and why aren't I dead?" I spun to face him, my body tense, "I was sure I was going to die-"

"Come on, little sister-" Jonathan stopped directly in front of me and put a strand of my hair behind my ear, "You don't really think Lilith went through all the trouble to bring me back to you just to kill us both- do you? I know you're not dense."

"You don't think they'll find me?" I stared at him with a hard expression, "Just because we're in Siberia, doesn't mean they can't track me down-"

"Another courtesy of Lilith." Jonathan trails his finger down my jawline and then pressed his finger where my parabatai rune once was, "They think you're dead- so, no- they can't track you down."

I grabbed his collar out of anger, having an answer as to why I felt empty and powerless, "What did you do to me?-"

"Calm down, little sister-" Jonathan gripped my wrists and pulled them off his collar, "I couldn't have you trying to open a portal and escape. I couldn't have them know you're alive- so, Lilith had an elixir prepared prior to my resurrection."

"He'll find me." I stare, "He always will-"

"You mean Alec?" Jonathan took a step back from me, an amused expression on his face, "He won't be much help-"

I eye him up, "What's that supposed to mean?"

"It means he's dead." His words made my heart stop.

I took a step back, "No."

"I'm sorry." Jonathan's eyes held an emotion I couldn't decipher, "Jace killed him-"

My fists clenched at my sides, "You're lying."

"Why would I lie about this?" Jonathan took a step towards me, "Jace was possessed- he killed Alec the night of the explosion- he couldn't stop himself."

My eyes began to water.

He couldn't have just made that up.

"I wish I knew more about what happened- but, that's as far as my knowledge goes-" Jonathan stood directly in front of me once more, catching the tear that fell from my eye, "But- it's okay. You have me now- I'll take care of you."

I needed to get the hell out of here.

"You know, I- I am actually kind of hungry." I lied, looking at him with a softer expression, "How about that breakfast?"

"Of course." His expression warmed, nodding quickly as he turned and headed into the other room, "Coming right up."

The moment he was out of sight, I rushed to the rack, grabbing the first thing I saw, starting to pry open the doors that lead into the freezing cold of Siberia.

I heard Jonathan's shouts, "Zee, come on! You can't go out there- you're never gonna survive!"

Like hell.

I'm a Morgenstern.

I'm a survivor.

I ignored him, wrapping the cloak around myself and rushing out into the snow that was knee deep.

I ran as fast as I could, tears streaming down my cheeks at the thought of Alec being dead.

And Jace being the one who killed him.

Had this all really happened?

The thought shattered my heart into pieces, and my heart ached even more thinking that I might never see them again.

How the hell was I supposed to get back to New York from Siberia? And what the hell would I do? Let them take me right back to my execution?

I could either run for my life and freeze to death.

Or stay with Jonathan and live.

I'd rather die.

Then I heard a distant shout, "Zee!-"

Jonathan.

His voice caught me off guard, making me fall into branches covered in snow. I stumbled to my feet, running on my numb, aching legs as fast as I could.

Soon, I reached the end of the woods, seeing nothing but miles and miles left to hike, my fingers and lips gone blue, my skin pale and my body freezing.

Then I collapsed.

-

"Here." Jonathan crouched in front of me, holding a bowl of hot chicken noodle soup after he had set me in front of the fire place, wrapping me in a blanket, my clothes and hair damp, "It'll help you get your strength back."

I stare at him, "I hate chicken noodle soup."

My mind immediately went to Alec.

He knew I hated chicken noodle soup.

"I understand that you don't trust me." Jonathan inhales sharply, "But- I would like to ask you to try."

"Trust you?" I almost laughed in his face, staring at him with amused eyes, "How could I possibly trust you? After everything you've done?"

"Because I'm your brother." Jonathan stares at me.

"Blood doesn't excuse nor justify actions." I seethed through my teeth, "Blood means nothing to me. I killed my own father- and as I recall correctly, I killed you too."

"And for what I've done, I am sorry." Jonathan tried, "You and I- we're actually not that different-"

I scoff, "I am nothing like you, Jonathan."

"I may have demon blood, but- so do others that you love: Simon, Magnus, Luke." Jonathan got up and set the soup down, "You know, my curse started the day that I was abandoned by my birth mother- our mother."

I began, "Don't you dare call her your mother-"

"She was my mother." Jonathan cut me off, staring right at me, "And if I recall correctly, you barely have any memories of her- all you know is our sadistic father-"

"And that's what- supposed to make us the same?" I let the blanket slip from around my shoulders, "There's a big difference between you and I, Jonathan- and that's I know what's right from wrong-"

"Yet we still have the same kind of merciless heart- because that's how we were raised- right? To be killing machines-" Jonathan's words made me tense, "I saw you the night of father's massacre-"

I went silent, staring at him.

"The way you fought him- with such grace, beauty- how viciously you attacked him." Jonathan took a step, "From then I knew you were all that I needed- I wanted you and only you- I didn't need- Clary- or Valentine- I needed you."

"You're sick." I clench my jaw, "We aren't the same-"

"Maybe- but, not in the way you think-" Jonathan stood up straight, "You weren't sent to Edom to be burned by Lilith."

I scoff lightly at him, "Jonathan, if you're looking for pity, you're wasting your breath."

"I'm not interested in pity- just understanding." Jonathan crouched in front of me again, "I can't deny the things I've done- but, you need to know that's behind me now."

"I can change- I want to change- I want to be like you." Jonathan said to me, "Because whatever good exists inside of you, at least some of that has got to be inside of me too- somewhere- and, I intend to prove that to you."

I said nothing.

"I should get some more firewood." Jonathan got up slowly, "I'll be back soon."

He then grabbed his coat, my eye following him as he left the apartment, leaving me alone.

I sat there for a few moments.

My hand reached for my necklaces, noticing that I was missing the one that my mother had given me.

Great.

I inhale sharply and unclipped my necklace, looking at the small heart pendant resting in my palm as I stared at it.

My eyes began to well with tears.

The thought of him being dead ate me away inside.

"Hey." I found myself quietly whispering to the necklace, an unbearable pain striking in my heart, "I know- you can't- hear me- and this is, so stupid- I just- I don't know, this necklace- it makes me feel more connected to you than ever-"

I had definitely gone mad.

But, I continued.

"He isn't lying, is he?" I started to cry quietly to myself, my hands shaking lightly as I held the necklace delicately in my hands, "You're really gone, aren't you?"

"I don't know what I'm going to do without you." I felt myself choke up, the tears in my eyes streaming down my cheeks freely, "The thought of you being gone- it's so unbearable that, god, I can't believe I'm uttering these words, but- I don't think I want to find a way home."

"I don't think I can handle being back in New York without you being with me." I was crying harder now, "Hell, I don't even have a home anymore now that you're gone- you're my home- you always have been."

"And- what makes this even worse is that- this is all my fault," I covered my mouth with one hand, sobbing now, "If I hadn't let my guard down, I wouldn't have had to bring Jace back- he wouldn't have gotten possessed and you wouldn't be dead- you wouldn't be gone- everything would be fine-"

"I'm the cause of all of this." I hated myself so much, "This is all my fault-"

"I'm so sorry- I didn't know." I was now wailing, trembling by how hard I was crying, "I'm so sorry, Alec- I'm so, so sorry-"

-

"Sorry it took so long." Jonathan walked into the apartment hours later after I had calmed down and put up a better front, getting ready to get the upper hand on him, "The weather's brutal out there."

Jonathan set the firewood by the fireplace, taking off his coat, "The good news is we won't be here much longer."

"Why is that?" I slowly turned, a table knife hidden behind my back, my expression hard.

"The apartment can take us wherever we want to go." Jonathan walks over to me slowly, "And if I recall one place that my sister has always secretly wanted to visit-"

I knew immediately, "Paris."

"Absolument." Jonathan replied, but I cut his gesture off by using the knife to slit his throat open, a gasp leaving his lips, grasping at his neck.

Then, I felt my skin break open, the familiar feeling from when he had slid my throat posing as Sebastian burning at my skin, my eyes going wide, dropping the knife.

I gripped my neck, gasping for air until he pulled out his stele, using his Iratze, his wound going away along with mine.

I looked between the blood on my hands, and the blood staining his shirt, taking a step back, "No-"

"Amazing." Jonathan's eyes were wide.

I stammered, "No-"

"We are one now, little sister." Jonathan's words haunted me, "You and I- we are one."

authors note:

this chapter made me cry a lot

alec and zee crying for each other and 'talking' to each other through- objects, in a way broke my heart into pieces

especially when zee started losing it, my hEART ACHED FOR HER- girl never gets a breather

and JACE, omg

jonathan being wack asf and zee is not having it lol

i hope i wrote the third person's pov good lmao, i'm kind of hesitant about that, but ANYWAYS

thank you for 58k !!

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