"Jace!" My throat ached with how loud I shouted, skidding to a stop on the roof as I had immediately bolted after Jace when he fled, making it over there before anyone else, "Stop!"

Jace looked at me, his eyes filled with hatred and anger, his teeth clenched at the sight of me.

I held my kindjals tight in my hands, breathing heavy, before he threw his fist at me, a blow that I dodged quickly, throwing a punch at him.

I dodged whatever swing he tried to land on me, his swings and blows becoming faster and harder, making me start to fight back to try and overpower him.

My leg flew up as I spun kick at his face, as he grabbed my ankle the second go round, making me act quick, pushing my other leg up with the ledge and landing on his shoulders, before maneuvering myself onto my feet and throwing him onto the ground.

Jace practically growls, forcing himself up to his feet, his fist flying towards me, as I dodged it, his hand grabbing my wrist and twisting my arm, disarming me almost immediately, before kicking me back with full force in the ribs, knocking the wind out of me.

I clenched my jaw, throwing myself at him, the both of us landing blows and moving quick, trying to catch the other off guard.

And I did, knocking Jace right off his feet, as he groaned on the ground, my hand gripping his collar and pushing him against the ledge, one of my kindjals in my hand.

I had him.

But, I hesitated.

Because it was Jace.

He took this to his advantage, kicking me back with full force, knocking the kindjal from my hand.

I stumbled, but kept my own, raising my fist to punch him, but he grabs my arm, his other hand going to my neck, pushing me against the wall with brutal force, before snapping my wrist.

I shouted in pain, as he threw me to the ground, before kicking me off my knees, my eyes squeezed shut as I held onto my wrist.

He smirks, grabbing my kindjal from the ground, before he impaled it right through me, hovering over me, a shriek leaving my lips.

He pulled the kindjal out, my unbroken hand going to my wound, coughing on the ground, trying to get up to my feet and keep fighting, only for him to he start throwing punches at me, and tossing me around, weakening me more, as I no longer had the strength or the heart to fight back.

With the Owl, it was a different story.

With Jace, I just couldn't.

I just couldn't hurt him.

And whenever I'd be close, I would always hesitate.

Jace grabs me by the neck, before walking over to the ledge, holding me over it, as I coughed, blood streaming down my face from my head, feeling just as terrible as I looked.

"I'm so sorry-" My voice broke, feeling tears burn in my eyes, looking up at my sick best friend that was about to earn the glory of finally killing me, "I just wanted my best friend back-"

Jace stares into my eyes, his grip not tightening nor loosening on my neck, keeping me dangled over the city, dead silent.

"Just kill me-" I heard myself saying, begging to be put out of my misery, "God, just do it-"

Not because of the pain.

But, because I couldn't live with myself knowing that the reason Jace was this way was because of something I did.

This was all because of me.

It was all my fault.

"I will never forgive you for what you've done to me." Jace's words were like knives to my heart, even if I knew it wasn't him, "I'm glad you're finally gonna be gone-"

He hated me.

I knew he did.

Even if it wasn't him saying it.

"Jace!" Alec's panicked shout filled my ears when he had finally reached the roof, Clary right behind him, "Don't do this!-"

Jace looks back at them, giving them a small smirk, before dropping me, a gasp leaving my lips, falling down many stories, my back slamming against the hood of a car.

"No!" Alec threw himself off the building, landing on his feet, Clary soon landing after him, their footsteps starting to be muffled the closer they got to me.

"Biscuit!" Magnus rushed over to me, Luke right on his tail, "Everything's gonna be alright-"

"No, no, no-" Alec grabbed my weak hand, his voice becoming more distant with every word, my vision going blurry, "Zee, open your eyes!-"

Then it all went black.

-

"Jace is the Owl?" Isabelle's distant voice woke me up from my unconscious state, my eyes cracking open to see myself in the infirmary, "How is that even possible?-"

"This whole time, it wasn't his mental health." Alec's low voice sounds, "He was possessed-"

Magnus' voice followed, "By an extremely powerful Greater Demon, who gave him the ability to turn mundanes into demonic killers."

I slowly sat up, clenching my teeth from the pain, seeing my left wrist in a brace, all the flashbacks of Jace and I's showdown filling my mind.

My eyes took up my appearance, seeing that I was in my jeans and tank top from earlier, stains of my own blood all over me, a few bruises here and there, so bad that they would take a few tries to heal.

I felt nothing but pain throughout my entire body, whimpering in pain with every movement I made to stand up onto my feet, grabbing Alec's sweater that rested in the chair beside my bed, holding my breath as I pulled the shirt over my body loosely.

I huffed out, putting a strand of my hair behind my ear from my messed up hair do, before slowly walking out by them in the Ops Center, hearing Alec say, "We've defeated Greater Demons before- we'll do it again and free Jace."

"Biscuit-" Magnus was the first one to catch eye of me when I slowly walked over to them, coming to a stop by the table they were at, "You're up-"

I didn't say anything.

"Hey- are you okay?" Clary places a hand on my shoulder, and this time, I didn't even make the occasional joke that I would cut her hand off.

"Zee, please go back to bed-" Alec stopped himself from coming over to me when he caught eye of the damage, staring at me from across the table, his expression filled with worry as he looked upon me, "You need the rest-"

"You're weak-" Isabelle had a hand over her parabatai rune, "Please-"

"You're too weak right now-" Simon agreed with Isabelle, "We almost lost you."

I wish I would've died.

"I'm fine- alright?" I looked between them all, my tone straight, "We need to find Jace."

Alec sighs, "You need to rest-"

"I need a shower, a seraph blade, and a location." I looked between everyone, "My only priority right now is Jace- is that understood?"

Magnus exhaled, setting down my drawing in front of everyone when silence followed, "Zee was able to draw an image of the beast, and it matches this image from the Silent City archives- the demon is Lilith, Queen of Edom- Adam's first wife."

Isabelle looks at him, trailing off slowly, "Adam as in Garden of Eden, Adam?"

"The one and only." Magnus nodded once.

Simon asks, "So- what does that mean?"

"She's the mother of all demons." Magnus' words made my heart stop, my jaw clench and my gaze fall to my palms that rested on the table.

"It makes her more powerful than anything we've ever encountered." Alec breathed out, "But- of all people, why Jace?"

Silence followed.

There was no use in keeping it hidden any longer.

"I- uhm, haven't been honest with any of you." My voice was low, my gaze set on my palms still, "Something happened at Lake Lyn that Jace and I have been keeping you all in the dark about."

Isabelle looks at me, "What're you talking about?"

"Alec-" I looked at my boyfriend, whose eyes seemed to already be glued to me, "What you felt that night- when your parabatai rune disappeared, you were right-"

"Valentine- he tried to kill me, when I let my guard down for- just a second- but, Jace- he took the hit for me- he was stabbed through the heart and he did die that night." My eyes filled with tears almost immediately at the memory, "Look, I wasn't lying when I said I don't know how I came back, but- I do know how Jace came back."

I blamed myself for that too.

Simon stares, asking what they all wondered, "Zee, if he died, how did he come back?"

"I made the wish." My voice lowered, looking down, "To Raziel."

Isabelle trails, "You made the wish?"

"It was the only way to bring him back." The tears in my eyes fell, and now I was crying in front of all of them, something I never really did, "I couldn't lose my best friend- I couldn't let Valentine take him like he took my mom from me-"

"I couldn't bare the thought of losing someone else I loved- and it being my fault- I was going through way too much at once- I couldn't handle it." I held back a sob, sniffling, "I mean- I lost my mom- Alec- and Magnus, I was losing too much too fast- I couldn't just stand there and lose someone else- it was the only thing I could do to fix it-"

I let out a shaky breath, "But, bringing him back to life, it made him vulnerable, to Lilith, to this- freak demon that's powerful enough to murder Ithuriel-"

"What?" Clary almost gasped at my words.

"Because of me- because- I summoned to try and help Jace- to try and fix what I messed up- but, I costed another life." I took a step back, "I keep- losing people- and it always ends up being my fault- this is all because of me, and I don't know how to fix it."

Magnus looked at unease and hurt at the sight of me like this, "Oh, Biscuit-"

"Alec, I am so sorry- I shouldn't have lied to you about this." I tried to calm myself down, trying to keep my tears back, "Jace kept telling me that- I was- protecting you- from losing your job- I don't know- god, I just- I shouldn't have kept my mouth shut- I should have told you."

"I know what position this puts you in with the Clave, so- if you want to send me to the Gard-" I exhaled shakily, trying not to break down right there, holding my wrists out, "Just do it."

"Zee, no-" Clary began to say, but Alec looked toward her, a fixed glare on her, making her shut up quick.

I could tell he was conflicted.

Between duty and humanity.

Alec slowly rounded the table, standing in front of me, his eyes glued to mine, his breathing slow.

I knew he had to.

I knew he did.

But, what he did caught me off guard, wrapping his arms around me and pulling me into his chest, "It's okay-"

I attached myself to his middle almost immediately, a sob breaking free from my lips, "I'm so sorry-"

"You're okay-" Alec held me tight enough to not hurt my bruises, one hand on the back of my head, the other rubbing my back, comforting me as I cried, "Everything's gonna be fine."

-

"Last night, Ollie's mother was found in her apartment," Luke sighed as we all stood in the courtyard, "-stabbed to death."

Clary exhales slow, "Luke- there is nothing you could've done."

"Wait- Jace was able to reverse Morgan's possession, remember?" Isabelle reminded us, "If we can find Jace, maybe he can save Ollie."

"And, you know- that'd be a wonderful idea if we had any idea how to track him." I had my arms crossed, looking at her, "He's using his anti-tracking rune."

"The Owl wasn't exactly shy before." Magnus pointed out, "If we were to somehow contain him the next time he makes an appearance, I might be able to relieve him of Lilith's influence."

Luke looks at him, "How the hell are we gonna contain him?-"

"When I took over as weapons master, I read about a piece of Clave technology that never made it into the field." Isabelle mentioned, "It was called the Malachi Configuration."

Alec crosses his arms, "Malachi the traitor?"

"He invented a type of cage for Greater Demons." Isabelle explains, "Now, it's just sitting in the Alicante Armory."

I nodded once, "So, let's go there and get it."

"We can't steal it-" Luke looked at me, "I mean- this is the Clave we're talking about-"

"Why do you guys think every one of my ideas involves theft?" I blinked, dropping my arms to the side, "I was thinking that Imogen might hand it over- considering she's Jace's grandmother?"

Alec nods toward me, "We'll go with you."

"And I will go try and find a cure for Jace." Magnus announced, his expression making it clear that he wasn't okay as he left the room.

"Before the Owl got a hold of Ollie, she had a location lead." Luke told us, "If I can find Lilith- I can find Jace."

I nodded at him, before turning around and quickly rushing after Magnus, "Hey, Magnus- wait-"

"What a fool I am." Magnus slowly to a stop when he heard my voice, as I slid to a stop in front of him, "If I hadn't given her that elixir- Jace would still be Jace."

"And if I hadn't let my guard down, Jace wouldn't have been killed and I wouldn't have brought him back to life- causing all of this." I said to him with a low voice, putting my hands on his arms, "Don't try and hog all the guilt-"

"That says a lot coming from you-" Magnus says, making me purse my lips and tilt my head to the side lightly, "I will fix it- I will use the last drop of my power if it's the death of me."

I stared at him for a few seconds, before pushing myself onto my tippy toes and hugging him tightly.

-

"It's wonderful to see you all, but based on this unscheduled visit, it seems that something must be amiss." Imogen already knew when we stood in her office in Idris, "What's happened?"

"Jace has been compromised by the Greater Demon Lilith." Clary told her, "She's controlling his every move."

"Oh, by the Angel-" Imogen lightly gasped, standing up straight, "How did this happen?"

I opened my mouth to speak, only for Alec to cut me to the chase, "We don't know."

I purse my lips, exchanging glances with him.

Imogen trails off, "If this is true- you know it will be grounds for a kill order."

"We believe we can cure Jace without having to alert the Clave." Alec said, "That's why we came to you."

"If you can give us the Malachi Configuration, we can contain Jace." Isabelle says, "We can cure him."

Imogen looks between us all, "And what do I tell Consul Penhallow?"

I inhale sharp, "Who says she has to know?"

-

"My security clearance must be used in person via thumbprint." Imogen told us as we walked through the halls, following her.

Alec was by my side, "Well, that's a new development-"

"When the Circle members got ousted, we increased security protocol in certain high-risk areas in the city." She told us, "The Armory is one of them-"

"I didn't realize we had visitors." Consul Penhallow's voice filled the air from behind us, as we came to a stop at the sound of it.

Imogen turns, "Consul Penhallow."

"What brings the crown jewels of the New York Institute to Alicante?" Consul Penhallow smiles at the four of us, as Imogen walked over to her.

"Inquisitor Herondale was just- giving us a tour," I started, my eyes darting to Isabelle to finish my lie.

"Of the Armory, so I can improve the operations in New York." Isabelle did it gracefully, as I pursed my lips to hold back my smirk.

"What a wonderful idea." Consul Penhallow's words made my heart beat race, "I have a few moments to spare, do you mind if I join?"

"Actually, Consul Penhallow, I was hoping to speak with you privately." Alec stepped in this time, where I lightly bumped my fist against his and Isabelle's very subtly and secretively when she nodded in agreement.

-

"What kind of cage fits in a duffle bag?" I shot Isabelle a look when she stepped out of the room.

"I'll explain later." Isabelle swung it over her shoulder, "I made sure it wouldn't be detected as missing- that should keep the Clave off our backs."

"Good- good." I nodded lightly, going quiet, leaning my side against the wall as we waited for Alec and Clary to get done stalling for us.

Isabelle looks at me, "How's your wrist?"

"Still- broken." I looked down at it, before barely laughing, "I deserve a lot more than this, though."

"Zee." Isabelle's expression dropped, and I knew she could feel how I felt, "It's okay."

"It's really not." I looked at her, lightly shaking my head, feeling the tears that I'd been holding back ever since Imogen's office start to fill my eyes again, "This is- all my fault."

Isabelle faced me completely, "Zee, there is no way you could've known-"

"But, that isn't an excuse." I couldn't help but laugh at myself lightly, leaning back against the wall, "If I hadn't let my guard down- Jace wouldn't have died. If I wasn't so hell bent on making my father suffer, I wouldn't have brought Jace back- I wouldn't have had to bring him back if I wasn't the reason he got killed- I'm the reason that Ithuriel got murdered- I'm the reason Jace got completely possessed because I couldn't fight Lilith off-"

"And even before that- I mean, I didn't tell Magnus about the sword, I lost him- I forced Alec to forget me- because I thought I wasn't strong enough to defeat my father- I mean, if anything- I've been hurting myself- for ages- I've been screwing up- so much." The tears in my eyes fell quickly, "And what- I just- get a pat on the back for it? It's all been justified because- I didn't know-"

"Oh, Zee-" Isabelle was lightly tearing up as I opened up to her, "You've got to stop blaming yourself."

I laughed at her lightly, shaking my head, looking up at the ceiling, "You know, sometimes- I think it would've been better if I had never come back."

Isabelle was caught off guard, "Are you kidding?"

"No- I'm not." I look at her, "You can't deny that me coming back- to you guys, here- memories or not- I've been the reason for- practically everything that's happened. I've ruined your lives-"

"Don't you ever say that." A tear fell from Isabelle's eye, "The moment you came back was the best thing that's ever happened to any of us-"

"We were all so lost without you, Zee." Isabelle placed a hand on my arm, "Jace- became obsessed with the hunt- Alec became more about the rules, and I- I lost a part of myself."

I tilt my head to the side lightly, "Alec still cares about the rules-"

"Not when it comes to you." Isabelle shot back at me, "Zee, Alec would break every rule- and any law for you, god- he would burn the entire world down to the ground until he dig you out of the ashes- he loves you so much."

"When you came back, it was like life finally made sense again- you were the missing piece for all of our lives." My parabatai's words only made me tear up more, "You mean more to us than you realize."

"I don't deserve it-" My voice broke, "Any of it-"

"Yes you do-" Isabelle wipes my tears, sniffling lightly, before hugging me tight, "Every bit of it."

"Hey- did you get it?" Alec joined us, Clary right behind him, his eyes falling onto me when Isabelle pulled away, "Wow- why are you crying? Did you make her cry?-"

"I'm fine." I reached and squeezed his arm comfortingly, "We've got it."

Isabelle tapped the strap of the backpack, "Some assembly required, but- yes, we've got it."

"Let's go-" Clary nodded lightly, as we all headed down the hall, getting ready to book it before we got caught.

That was until a fire message flew through the air, Alec catching it quickly, his eyes going wide with alert, "Change of plans, Jace is here- he's in the cemetery."

"What?" Isabelle and I said in unison.

Clary asks, "What is he doing?-"

"I don't know." Alec said, as he was already walking down the hall, "We have to get him- now."

-

"Jace!" Alec shouted at him when we had caught him in the Cemetery of the Disgraced, digging up Valentine's grave, as he slowly stepped out of it, Alec giving up the signal, "Now!"

Isabelle, Clary and I moved, the four of us stabbing the swords of the Malachi Configuration trap into the soil, trapping Jace in it, as he fell onto his knees, his eyes wide when he couldn't escape, "What have you done?-"

Clary stood up, "It worked-"

"What do we do now?" Isabelle breathes heavy when dogs barking, distant voices and flashlights came into play, setting us all at unease.

"I-" I thought quick, taking a step back from them, "I can buy you some time-"

Alec was panicked, "How?-"

My portal rune appeared in front of me as my eyes started to glow gold, the rune spinning and waiting to be used, "I'll go down for you-"

"No!" Alec grabbed my unharmed wrist when I tried to activate the rune, "No way-"

"I have to do this, Alec-" I looked at my boyfriend, "Look, you need to save him-"

Alec's voice varied, "No-"

"Who do you think would be better that they apprehend?" I tried to pull my wrist from his hold, "The infamous Zee Morgenstern or Head of the Institute Alec Lightwood?-"

"You can't hand yourself over, Zee!" Alec wasn't with this, not letting go of my wrist, "If you go down, everything about your wish will unravel-"

"I don't care if they throw me in the Gard, Alec!" I raise my voice at him lightly, growing frustrated with him, in panic with such little time, "You need to save Jace- that is the only thing that matters-"

"Guys, we have to do something-" Isabelle said to us, "They're getting close-"

"Let go of me, Alec-" I tried to pull my wrist from his hold again, "This is the only way to keep them at bay from looking for you guys-"

Alec didn't budge, "No- I won't lose you!"

"If you don't let me go now, this'll all be for nothing!" I was looking back, desperately trying to get him to let go.

"I'll do it-" Clary stepped up, getting behind my rune, my eyes widening, "Now, go fix him!-"

"What are you doing?" She had my attention as I tried to pull from Alec much harder, but he had grabbed my arm, pulling me back, as I let out a shout so loud that it hurt my throat, "Clary, no!-"

It was too late, as she pushed the rune, sending us all through it, as we all ended up in Magnus' apartment.

Without Clary.

Magnus stopped mid pour of his drink, looking startled, "Well, this is certainly a surprise."

I teared myself from Alec's hold, my eyes scanning the room, tears of frustration filling my eyes immediately.

"How could you do that?" I was shouting at him, shoving him back with one hand, so angry that I shoved him a second time with both hands, whimpering in pain when I did, "How?"

Alec doesn't say anything, staring at me, his expression hard, letting me shove him, but barely moving.

"It wasn't supposed to be her- it wasn't supposed to be this way-" I shoved him again, tears starting to stream down my cheeks, "It was supposed to be me, you selfish bastard!-"

Magnus' calm voice began, "Biscuit-"

"No- my little sister is going to be rotting in a cell for something that I did- and it's because of him!" My throat ached at how loud I was shouting, "People keep going down for me- it has to stop!"

"I can't believe you just let her give herself up-" I stared at Alec dead in the eye, not even bothering to try and hit him anymore, knowing that I was only causing myself pain and my blows were only getting weaker and weaker with every swing, "I deserve to be in that cell- me!"

Alec's eyes were glued to mine, tears in his own eyes, but he hadn't said a word to me, making me scoff and back away, shaking my head, leaving the room without another word.

authors note:

this chapter was too much for me, fr

she's really going THROUGH IT rn

character development tho, her considering clary as her sister LMAOO

but, she feels so guilty omggg, jace died for her, then clary gave herself up in her place-

the little zee and izzy moment- just, awh-

she's been crying so much recently tho, she's literally shattering, it makes me so sad

and alec just letting clary give herself up instead of zee sksksks selfish, but- i mean- we get it, that's why he didn't say anything when she was screaming at him

zace fighting in the beginning of this chapter made me very emotional too, my heart just hurts

and hey, who knows what's gonna happen in the next chapter sksksks, i have ideas

but, thank you for 49k !!

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