I was underwater.

In Lake Lyn.

In the exact same spot I was when I portalled there, the surface so far away from me, and my lungs tight from the lack of oxygen.

I looked by me, seeing a mirror version of me staring right back at me, making me start to try and swim to the surface, but I couldn't.

"No- no-" I started to murmur in my sleep, gripping my sheets, "No!-"

"Hey, hey, hey!" Jace's voice pulled me out of my dream, "Wake up-"

I jolted up, breathing heavily, in my cold room, sweating, Jace stops by me, holding onto my arms, "Hey- it's okay- it was just a bad dream."

My room felt empty without Alec.

"Jace-" I breathe out, then covered my face for a moment, sitting up, "Hey- sorry-"

"Don't apologize." Jace replies, "I, uh, heard you screaming- are you all right?"

"Yeah." I hugged myself, looking around my room, "It was just a nightmare- I was back at Lake Lyn and- drowning. It was weird- I just can't get anything that happened back at Lake Lyn out of my head."

"It's not exactly top on my vacation list, either." Jace sat on my bed, putting a hand on my leg to comfort me.

"Jonathan's alive, Jace." My voice was quiet, staring ahead, "If Jonathan's alive- after all the reading I did on him from those journals- god, he and Valentine could be working together- or he could be under his influence- or-"

"Whatever it is- we'll beat them." Jace assures me, squeezing my leg, "Don't worry-"

"You can't be that confident, Jace." I looked at him, completely vulnerable, "You can't."

"I am." Jace said, "Because we have you-"

I slightly tear up, gently shaking my head, breathing out, "I'm no match for them-"

Jace looked around my room, noticing all of Alec's missing items, "You actually did it, didn't you?"

"He doesn't remember me at all." I whispered, looking at him, "I know- it was an impulsive, horrible decision-"

"You can't let Valentine control you like this, Zee-" Jace sighed quietly, "You can't let him be the factor of who you can love or if you can at all-"

"But, it's Jonathan too now, Jace- and he had no one but- Valentine to teach him the difference between right and wrong- who knows how he turned out- he could've turned out worse than me." I said to him, a tear falling, "I can't let myself falter-"

"My Dad is the only thing I know, Jace-" I said to him, "What he taught me- it doesn't matter who comes into my life, or what happens to me- what he's taught me- will always stick- he knows me better than anyone- and he's right when he says that anger and pain drive me and love makes me weak."

Jace huffed lightly, pulling me into his chest to comfort me when tears started to fall, "I don't like that you're punishing yourself because of him."

I don't reply, my quiet sobs filling the room.

-

"Are you sure you wanna work on this?" Jace quietly asked me, "I know you're on edge."

"I'm fine." I fixed my loose low bun.

"You only tie your hair up when you're stressed- or out of it." Jace said to me, "And I already know for a fact that you're not okay."

"Jace, I appreciate the concern- but, I can't let that stop me from doing my job, okay?" I say to him.

"Well then, you better get your butt over to training." Alec's voice made my heart ache when Jace and I walked towards his office, "You know how much our sister hates tardiness."

When Jace and I walked into his office, Max catches eye of me, hugging onto my leg, "Zee!"

"Hey, kiddo-" I ruffled his hair, then bend, hugging his tiny body tightly, "Heard you're getting ready for your first mission- how does it feel?"

"Amazing-" Max smiled at me, "I've been ready since the day I got here-"

"Get to training, you don't want to be late, okay?" I fixed his hair, standing back up, "Maybe if I get back a good report, I'll take you out for some ice cream-"

Max jumps, his hand coming in contact with mine for a high five, before he left the room.

I looked at Alec, noticing his stare at me, confused to see me, not remembering the encounter at Magnus' apartment, "Uhm- hi-"

"Uh- hey-" I held my hand out, Jace's stare on the both of us, "We haven't met- I'm Zee Young."

"Alec Lightwood." He slowly grabbed my hand, shaking it, his eyes glued to mine, a slight confused look on his face.

I noticed how he didn't let go of my hand, my voice lowering, "Are you alright?"

"Yes- yes, I'm fine- uhm," Alec stammered, then rubbed the back of his neck with his free hand, "I don't know- I just- feel like we've met before."

"I just- have one of those faces." I hesitantly let go of his hand, "My reputation precedes me- maybe you've heard my name somewhere or something-"

"Yeah- maybe." Alec pursed his lips for a moment, then looks between Jace and I, "Any sign of Jonathan?"

"No, we tracked the box itself." Jace said, "But- it was a dead end."

"So- Valentine sent Duncan to steal a pair of baby booties?" Alec questioned, looking between us.

"Someone did." Jace told him, "Someone who wanted to circumvent us from tracking Jonathan."

"And now, we have no leads on either of them." I sigh, "We've got nothing."

"Actually, we have less than nothing." Alec mentions, "There's something you should know-"

"The Clave doesn't have the Soul Sword." Alec told us when he had already told me, but didn't remember, "They never did."

I pretended like I had no idea, reacting the same way I did when he told me, "Why am I not surprised?"

Alec stares at me for a few moments, blinking a few times like he was trying to process, before shaking his head and continuing, "The Clave is trying to prevent an uprising- if the Downworld finds out that we don't have the Soul Sword, there would be total chaos."

So, I couldn't tell Magnus, even if I wanted to.

"Wait, so- say he has the Sword, and the Cup- he's gonna be after the Mirror." I looked between them, "He could use it to summon the Angel Raziel."

"The Angel will grant him one wish." Alec nodded at me once, "Anything he wants."

I exhale, "The end of the Downworld as we know it."

-

"The mark on Dot's arm is part of a protection spell." Clary walked Jace, Alec and I into his office.

"It's a sigil." Dot told us, "It only transfers to another warlock if something terrible has happened."

"Well, whatever he's guarding must be pretty important." I cross my arms, "Wanna fill us in?"

Clary exhales, "It's the Mortal Mirror."

"Are you kidding me?" I blink.

Jace has the same reaction, "Jocelyn had it?"

"I know it's crazy." Clary sighs, "The Mirror and the Cup- I guess my mom knew Elliot would do anything to keep it safe, as a warlock, he could protect it better than anyone, right? So- she entrusted him with its location."

"And Elliot entrusted it to me." Dot said.

Alec looks at her, "So- you know the current location of the Mortal Mirror?"

"Sort of." She showed us the mark on her wrist, "These lines coordinate to specific Ley lines in the city- I can figure it out, but- it'll take some time."

"We have maps of all the Ley lines." Alec said, "We can help you."

"And we can protect you from Jonathan and Valentine." I added in, "With those marks on your wrist, it's only a matter of time before they come after you in search for the Mirror."

"Zee and I will go to Elliot's shop." Jace offered, them looked at me as I simply nodded at him, "See what happened."

-

"Oh, man-" I breathed out when Jace and I walked into Elliot's shop, as I crouched by the body to take a closer look at the damage on his body.

"You see these marks?" Jace points out, "A demon was here- he was tortured, but- this isn't murder, he killed himself."

"You're right." I stared, slowly standing up, "The blood from his eyes- it's a warlock incantation."

When a sound of glass crunching filled our ears, Jace and I quickly turned in defense, only to see Sebastian, "Hi-"

"Sebastian?" I slowly walked over; confused, "What are you doing here?"

"I, uh- I saw the alert at the Institute." He stammered, "Is everything under control?"

"We're still not percent sure what happened." Jace spoke as I looked around the shop, "There was a demon presence here, but- something doesn't add up."

"Jace." My eyes were glued to the demon ichor on the ground, "This was Jonathan."

He looks at me, "How do you know that?"

"I spent all night reading up on Valentine's notes on Jonathan-" I slowly looked up, "The grey demon ichor on the ground-, that's how Valentine described the aftermath of Jonathan's childhood killings."

"Jonathan was here- he did this." I blinked a few times trying to process, "He's with Valentine-"

Sebastian questioned, clearing his throat, "Sorry, who's, uh- who's Jonathan?"

I reply, "My not so dead brother."

"He must be after the Mortal Mirror." Jace said, "If he comes after it again, I'm gonna have to deal with him."

"Deal with him how?" I looked at him.

Jace looks at me, "I'm gonna do anything in my power to protect the mirror."

"You'll kill him?" I asked.

Jace nods once, "If that's what it takes."

"I won't let you." I stood in front of Jace, "I mean- we don't have all the facts- he doesn't deserve a death sentence right off the bat. I mean, you don't even know if Jonathan's doing this on his own- he could be under Valentine's influence-"

"Yeah, Zee's got a point." Sebastian chimed in, "I mean, what if Valentine's forcing him to do his bidding?"

"Yeah- okay, look- Zee, you read those journals." Jace mentioned, "Jonathan Morgenstern is a demon-blooded monster who is responsible for the death of an innocent warlock."

"Jace, I know what it's like being manipulated by Valentine- better than anyone." I stared at him, "And I understand what position Jonathan might be in- I mean, in my perspective- all I've known is Valentine- and so has he- and look at how I ended up."

"Just- think about it, what if Jonathan is just his latest victim?" I held my ground, "We don't have any facts- and until we do, no one is getting killed."

-

I swung my bedroom door open, my eyes falling on Sebastian, his eyes slightly widen after he had knocked, "Uh, hi-"

"Hey." I took a few steps back, then grabbed my leather jacket from my bed, "Look, I'm sorry- is this important? They're waiting on me-"

"I-" Sebastian stammered, "I actually- I just wanted to make sure you were okay-"

"I'm fine." I shortly said, putting a few strands that fell out of my low bun behind my ear, "Anything else?"

"Look, I saw how upset you were today." Sebastian mentioned, "About- about, Jonathan."

I stood up straight, "I've been upset about everything recently, you're going to have to be more specific."

"About him being back- and helping Valentine-" Sebastian recalled, rubbing the back of his neck, "When you got upset with Jace earlier?"

I stare at him for a few moments, then sigh through my nose, standing in front of him, "Well- Jace thinks that Jonathan's a lost cause."

He stared at me, "What do you think?"

"I think that I've always felt alone my entire life when it came to family." I crossed my arms, looking up at him, feeling unwilling tears start to burn in my eyes, "And that- knowing he's alive, makes me feel a little less alone."

"I understand that he had demon blood, and he's capable of god knows what- but, I want to give him a chance- because these people, gave me a chance." I looked down, keeping my tears held back, "And everyone deserves a second chance- especially since Jonathan didn't have people like- Jace- Alec, Izzy- god, even Clary- trying so hard to bring me to the right path."

I clear my throat, then shook my head, "I don't know- it's stupid-"

"No!" Sebastian immediately shook his head, "God, it's not stupid at all!-"

"I don't know- I just, want to give him the second chance that they gave me." I shrugged lightly, looking up at him, "He needs someone."

Sebastian stares at me for a few seconds, before pressing his lips into mine, making me immediately push him away, "Wow- Sebastian-"

"Oh, I'm sorry-" Sebastian covered his face for a moment, "That was stupid-"

"Yeah- it was." I took a step back, "I can't- no-"

"I'm sorry- I just- I just want you to know that I will always be there for you, Zee." Sebastian said to me, "Whatever you need."

-

"You know, Zee, what I said- earlier, about Jonathan." Jace was at my side, Alec and Clary behind us, Dot using the mark on her wrist to try and find the location of the Mirror.

"Are you about to apologize?" I looked at Jace, tilting my head to the side, "It better not be a half assed one-"

Jace stops, "Well, it's not- because I'm not apologizing."

"Jace-" I stopped as well, looking at him, "He's the only real family I have left- he deserves a chance."

"You may not consider me family, but- I care about you." Jace's words made me sigh lightly, "Look, if you're ever in any danger, I'm gonna do whatever it takes to keep you safe- if that means Jonathan has to die, so be it."

I stare at him, my voice lowering, "Good thing I can take care of myself, right?"

"Zee!" Dot catches our attention, "The Ley Line intersection's close-"

We followed Dot, Alec questioning, looking around, "Do you see something?"

Dot reaches into the statue, reciting a spell before pulling out the Mirror from a little pocket in the air, Clary's eyes widening, "That's it, isn't it? That's the Mortal Mirror-"

"Okay- let's go-" I began to say, but my words were cut off when a demon grabbed Jace and threw him back, followed by Alec and Clary, their groans sounding.

Dot immediately pushed the Mirror into my hands when the demon reached it's hand out for it, before gasping when the demon threw her to the side as well, taking a step towards me.

Alec grunts from the ground, "Zee, run!"

Within seconds, the demon grabbed Jace's blade that fell onto the ground and ended up right over Alec, the blade to his neck.

"No!" I shouted into the air, jumping down the steps and jerked to a stop a few feet away, my eyes wide with fear, my voice breaking, "Don't!"

"You're Jonathan." I could tell by the burns on his skin that he wasn't any demon, his head turning back to look at me, "It's you, isn't it?"

He stared at me, his dark eyes faded to human eyes.

"I'm- I'm Zee, I'm your sister." I stammered, "You don't want to hurt me, right? Because, if you hurt him- that's exactly what you'll be doing."

He stayed still, staring at me.

"This is what you came for, right?" I held up the Mirror, "You came for the Mirror-"

He doesn't reply.

"Is this what you want, or are you doing this for our Dad?" I called him out, "Are you doing this for you or him?"

His silence gave me the answer I needed.

"You can take this and go." I said to him, "Or- you could come back with us- we can help you."

"I'm giving you a chance to choose your own fate." I was trying so hard, "Our father- he lies- he manipulates- he's using you, Jonathan- you can't let him control you like this."

"I more than anyone know exactly what it's like having him rule over everything you do, and control your life- to this day, he still does- and I'm not even fighting alongside him anymore-" I teared up just a little, "Take it from someone who's suffered too much to let you end up like me."

"You still have a chance." I took a step closer, breathing out, "Please, Jonathan."

Jonathan stares at me, but a blast flew from behind me, hitting him, making him fly and hit the ground with a grunt, Dot opening a portal behind me, "Take the mirror and go, Zee!"

"What? No-" My eyes widen, "No, I'm- I'm getting through to him- just- I need a minute- okay?-"

"Zee, let's go!" Jace grabbed my arm and pulled me into the portal when I shouted in protest, Alec and Clary following us, leaving Dot.

-

"Hey-" Alec's voice made my head perk up almost immediately, as I was seated alone outside the Institute on a bench, right where I had first told Alec I had loved him, "Lonely out here by yourself?"

I looked at him, pursing my lips, holding onto my ankles as I was seated cross legged, my voice low when I spoke, "I guess being lonely fits me."

"I got you a lil something." He pulled out a cup of coffee from behind him, handing it to me, seating himself down next to me, "Thought you could use it."

"Iced." I looked at the drink he had handed me, noticing how the drunk was exactly what I usually got, then looked at him, noticing how he was looking ahead at the small path, "How'd you know?"

He stared for a few moments, blinking a few times, a confused look on his face, my heart racing when I realized he was looking right where we had laid.

"I- just had a feeling, I guess." Alec clears his throat, rubbed the back of his neck, looking at me, "I don't really know- I just- I had a gut feeling."

"Well, uhm- thank you." I set it down next to me, "Why?"

"It's a- thank you for saving my life." Alec locked eyes with me, now messing with his bracelet that I had given him, "He would've killed me if you hadn't stopped him."

"You don't need to thank me." I shook my head lightly and looked down at my hands, going quiet.

"You're Zee Morgenstern." Alec broke the silence that grew between us, his eyes glued to me, "Why didn't you tell me?"

"I didn't want you to think badly of me." I quietly said to him, "Especially since I'm not that person anymore."

"Well, it doesn't change the way I think of you." Alec's words made my heart ache in pain, "On the field today- you've proven to me how much you're not like what people say about you- if you say you're not that person anymore, I trust you."

"It wasn't enough to get through to Jonathan." I stared ahead, small tears starting to fill in my eyes, completely blaming myself, "I was so close."

"You tried your hardest." Alec places a hand on my back, making my heart leap, missing his touch, "That's what matters, right?"

"My hardest isn't enough." I held the tears back, messing with the necklace he had given me, "Alec, I gave up everything to make sure that I'm at my strongest when the time comes- and- and, now, I'm starting to regret it because it feels like it was all for nothing-"

"Hey-" Alec rubbed my back lightly, before dragging his hand up and down my arm, grabbing my hand, "Don't beat yourself up about it."

I looked at him, going quiet.

"So- you had a step back." Alec squeezes my hand lightly in comfort, "You'll get back up in no time."

I stared at him for a few moments, before clearing my throat, giving him a small smile and pulling my hand away from his, pulling out the Mortal Mirror from my pocket, "Guess I should hand this over now, huh?"

Alec began to trail off, "You know, for a Mortal Mirror- it doesn't really look very-"

"Sacred?" I guessed, opening the mirror, my expression going serious when looking into the mirror made me see my dream again, but, this time, there was no reflection, but two swords coming toward me.

Alec notices my silence, "Hey, are you okay?"

"Yeah- I'm-" I stammer, shutting the Mirror right away, "I'm fine."

-

"Magnus- hi." I looked at him when he walked into my room, taking off my jacket as I had just gotten back from being outside with Alec, "Is everything okay? You look upset."

"I thought so." Magnus replied, his eyes glued to me, "But- now, I'm not so sure."

"Oh-" I tossed my jacket onto the bed, walking toward him, "What's going on?"

"You tell me, Zee." He called me by my name instead of the nickname he had given me, "From the day I met you, the one thing I knew I could count on from you was honesty. Absolute, total- honesty."

My heart dropped, knowing exactly what he was talking about, "I can explain-"

"You knew about the sword?" Magnus confronts me.

"I just found out- recently-" I immediately said, fearing growing in my chest of losing him, "I swear- I was going to tell you- but, we were all worried that if the Downworld found out, there'd be widespread panic- and- I mean- it could have led to a rebellion-"

Magnus snips at me, scoffing, "And you didn't trust me to stay quiet?"

"I didn't say that." I pointed my finger at him, "I was in a tough spot, Magnus- I didn't want to ask you to have to keep a secret from your own people- and I've been trying so hard to try and prevent my father from hurting your kind-"

"You're just like the Clave-" Magnus shook his head in disbelief, "Making promises you never intend to keep- and, oh! Transparency?"

"Magnus-" My voice felt weak, and I had barely any energy to fight back; absolutely exhausted.

"Valentine wants me dead-" Magnus stepped closer to me, raising his voice, "He wants all of us dead-"

I squeezed my eyes shut, covering my face for a moment, not being able to help the tears that filled my ears, as I slowly just nodded with what he was saying.

"And after I bared my heart and soul-" Magnus was betrayed, "I told you things I've never told anyone- and you looked me straight in the eye and lied."

I uncovered my face, my eyes remaining closed, weakly nodding my head, my voice just quiet and breaking, "I know- I know."

"I'm sorry." I opened my eyes, tears falling free, watching as Magnus spun and left my room, slamming the door behind him without another word.

I stared at the door for a few moments, before quickly moving toward my drums, grabbing the drum sticks, pulling my arms back and slamming right on them, only to break one of the sticks.

That was the last straw for me, as I got up, throwing the drums onto the ground, then started to rip apart my entire room, throwing things around and knocking things over, starting to cry harder and harder.

I breathed heavily, standing in the center of my trashed room, looking around at what I had done, when the door swung open to a wide eyed Jace.

He looks around my room, then at me, before I completely collapsed onto my knees, my hands covering my mouth, crying my eyes out.

Jace didn't say a word, just shut the door behind him and got next to me, pulling me right into his chest.

authors note:

jace supporting zee and being there for at all times knowing she doesn't reach out for help >>>

zee's really just breaking, and it's genuinely hurting me- like she's just completely vulnerable now, no snarky comments, nothing :(

zalec having moments and connecting even when they're broken up and feel the most distant >
(play when the party's over by billie eilish towards the end, major feels)

and, if you guys haven't noticed- alec seems confused, or almost feeling deva vu is because he's seeing things or experiencing things that would be triggering to his memories of zee, but they won't take yk? they're just building up until he fully remembers

but, thank you for 38k !!

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