"Yeah, I'm not seeing it in the Gray Book." Jace sighed as he shut the book, stood in my room the next morning as we had tried to figure out where the hell the sunlight came from when it shot from my palm.

"Jace, this isn't making any sense whatsoever." I set down the drawing I had drew of the rune and reached for the Gray Book, "You sure that doesn't have it in there? Let me check-"

"Zee, I'm sure it's not in here, I look through it twice already." Jace pulled the book away from me and grabbed my hand to stop me, "Some of them are removed- they're reserved for the most elite members of the Clave."

I grimace, "Do I look elite to you?"

"Maybe- you saw it somewhere and you don't remember." Jace lightly shrugged and set down the book, letting go of my hand.

"Jace, I'm telling you- I've never seen it before." I turned away from him, taking a few steps, stressfully running my hands through my hair, "And even if that was the case- that doesn't explain how the rune just self did itself onto my hand."

Jace sighed, "Zee-"

"Jace, I'm serious." I faced him, looking at him in complete sincerity, "In that moment- I had tuned out everything around me, and I felt like someone was drawing a rune onto my palm- but no one was- and I didn't- initiate it-"

"Look, we'll make some sense of this, okay?" Jace assures me, "We just have to keep digging-"

"And how are we going to do that? We've been looking all morning- we've got nothing- we can't find the rune anywhere, Jace- we have no leads." I ripped out the drawing from my sketch book, "Look, I'm just going to go fill Iz and Alec on this, maybe they'll know something we don't-"

"Zee, no- absolutely not," Jace stopped me almost immediately, "If you tell anyone else, they could be in danger, too-"

I grit my teeth, "Jace-"

Jace continued, trying to persuade me, "The Clave is quick to persecute anyone or anything they don't understand."

I stare at him, and swallowed hard, barely nodding, giving into what he was saying, looking away.

A knock on my door made me step back, and Jace to quickly fold the drawing in my hand and slip it into his back pocket, "Come in-"

Isabelle slyly stepped in, looking between Jace and I, "Am I interrupting something?-"

"No, you're not-" I quickly said, looking up at Jace, "Look, we'll talk later, okay?"

Jace nodded lightly and squeezes my arm in comfort, knowing this had set me off the edge, before leaving me alone with Isabelle, closing the door behind him.

"How are you?" Isabelle crosses her arms, looking at me, "You holding up okay?"

"Why wouldn't I be?" I looked her, "I'm fine-"

"Zee, I know that's not true-" Isabelle lightly shook her head, her voice lowering as if it hurt her to think about this, "I feel when you're off- when you're hurting- and recently it's been- a lot more than usual."

"I'm okay, Iz." I put my sketch book away.

"Are you sure?" I could feel Isabelle's stare on my back, "I mean- it could be- having to go through all that on Valentine's ship- then coming back to- even more of a mess of things-"

"Iz- really, I'm okay." I tried to assure her again, not facing her, not wanting to voice the countless thoughts on my mind.

"You sure it isn't your talk with Alec down at the City of Bones?" Isabelle called me out, my heart stopping when I recalled that conversation.

I looked back at her, "He told you?"

"Yes, he did." Isabelle confirmed, "Zee, you can't keep pushing away your feelings for him-"

I disregard her words, turning to face her, cutting her off, "How is he doing?"

Isabelle sighs, "I can tell he still feels horrible for what happened to Jocelyn."

"He can't keep blaming himself." I also sighed and sat on my bed, "It wasn't him."

"He's strong." Isabelle sat with me, "He'll heal."

"I know he will- it's just- I'm wondering how long-" I looked at her, "I don't want him torn over something that wasn't him- he's not- like that."

"You know what you should do?" Isabelle places a hand on my shoulder, "Go out with him."

Realization crossed my face when it came to mind why she actually came in here, "Isabelle-"

"I swear, he didn't put me up to this-" Isabelle put her hands up in surrender, "But, you guys- are both hurting- and-"

"And I let go of him for a reason." I cut her off, emphasizing my words, "And you know that reason."

"Alec can protect himself." Isabelle reminded me, "He doesn't need protection- he needs someone."

I swallowed hard and shook my head lightly, looking down, getting up, "I'm not- risking it. The more time he spends with me- the greater target he has on his back- and that applies to all of you-"

"The more time he spends with you, the stronger your relationship grows, as does the reason you're fighting." Isabelle got up as well, biting right back.

I go silent, staring at her.

"Zee, who we choose to spend our time with- is our choice." Isabelle stepped closed to me, "Alec wants to spend that time with you."

I stay silent.

"We chose not to let you push us away." Isabelle grabbed my arms, emphasizing her words extremely, "Because you're family."

-

"Hey, I got your fire message-" Alec's voice filled my ears when he barged into my room, looking at me, holding it in his hand, "What's the emergency?"

"Alec- hi," I spun to face him, folding my hands together, blinking a few times, questioning why I was even doing this, "I'm sorry-"

"What?" Alec was confused, closing the door behind him, shoving the fire message into his pocket.

"If you couldn't tell already, there's no- emergency, here-" I crossed my arms, "I'm sorry about the emergency call, but- it was the only way I could get your attention-"

"You always do." Alec swallowed hard, looking down, turning to open the door, "Well, since you're okay, I should probably get back-"

"Wait!-" I raised my voice lightly in slight panic, clearing my throat, "I'm- not okay-"

Alec stops at my words, but doesn't turn.

"I'm not okay- because you're not okay." I reluctantly admitted, slowly walking over and standing in front of him, practically standing against the door due to how close he was to opening it.

Alec took in a deep breath, staring at me because of how close my choice of standing made us.

"Alec, you've been to hell and back these past few days-" I swallowed hard, staring up at him, "And you haven't stopped for a second, taken a moment for yourself-"

"That really says a lot coming from you." Alec remarked, my eyes slightly widening at him since I was the one who always made them.

I facepalm lightly, then rub my temple, trying to find the words, "I know, I know- but, it's just- different- with you-"

Alec kept his gaze on me, reminding me what I already knew, "Zee, we're in the middle of a war-"

"Alec, you and I both know that in our line of work, there will always be a war- a mission- but, that doesn't mean you take away from what matters." I stare at him, my voice falling quiet as I held his gaze, "The people you love."

This made Alec go quiet.

"Look, I speak from experience." I slip my hands into my back pockets, thinking about what Isabelle has said to me earlier, "If you fail to grant time for the things you care about, you'll forget why you're even fighting at all."

Alec inhales deeply, "What do you have in mind?"

-

"Here-" I handed Alec a beer when I came back by the pool table at the Hunters Moon, where he had just began making his shots.

Alec stood and took it from me, "Thank you-"

I nodded in return, eyeing his expression, hoping that he was having a good time, "I'm not much of a beer drinker, but it's a go to guy drink, so- I just- guessed?"

"Oh, well, I'm not much of a drinker, period, but I'll take your word for it." Alec's words made my heart warm lightly, clinking his glass with mine.

This wasn't a date.

I had taken him out.

As a friend.

So, I could get his mind off everything.

I was hoping I could get my mind off everything I had been through as well, every conversation I had.

But, being around him didn't help.

It only drew me to him more.

My mind was brought back when I saw Alec's face at the taste of the beer, "Terrible? You hate it, I guessed wrong-"

"No, it's great-" Alec lightly shook his head at my words, "It is-"

I gave him a look, setting my drink down.

"You see that?" Alec hit another ball into it's socket, holding his cue, "It's just like archery- it's all about the aim, Zee."

"Okay, I brought you here because I wanted you to get your mind off everything going on, not to kick my ass in pool-" I pointed at him, grabbing my cue.

Alec's eyes linger with mine for a few seconds, before he purposely screwed one of his own shots up, sighing as if I didn't know exactly what he had her done, "Can't win 'em all."

"I guess you're right." I stared at him, before aiming and starting to shoot as he turned and took a sip of his beer.

When he turned around, I had made many shots, which made his eyebrows furrow, "Wait, what?-"

"Just like archery, right?" I stood straight, placing a hand on my hip, "Or did you forget I'm an archer too?"

Alec stares at me, his expression softening, a small smile forming on his lips, "Okay-"

"Okay?" I started to smile lightly.

"Okay." Alec grabbed his cue, "Let's play."

-

"I did not know you were that competitive-" I walked with Alec over to the bar once more, sitting down, "That was probably the most competitive game I've had-"

"We grew up with Jace." Alec shrugged lightly, including me even when I didn't remember, "I never really had much of a choice-"

"Cool, cool-" I nodded lightly, sipping my drink, "Did you guys ever compete over girls?"

Alec lightly shook his head, "Uh, no-"

"Really?" I faced him, my elbow leaning against the table, "I mean, not even an ex?"

"Lydia and Jace never really- got along, before she let me throw away the whole wedding to kiss you in front for the entire Clave-" Alec's words made my heart leap, sipping his beer, sitting next to me, "Not that I wouldn't have done it anyway-"

I swallowed hard, completely changing the subject from that, "Uh, I thought you knew Lydia for a millisecond before your arranged marriage-"

Alec looks at me, not replying.

"Wait." I was suddenly intrigued, sitting up, setting down my drink, "Is Lydia your only ex?"

Alec looked somewhat nervous at my confrontation, "I just haven't had, uh- you know, time for a real relationship."

"You know, uhm-" Alec swallows hard and took a sip of his beer again, pointing at it to try and change the subject, "This is- this is good-"

"Alec-" I stared at him, a small smirk playing on my lips, "Have you ever been in a relationship?"

When Alec doesn't reply, I let out a surprised scoff.

Alec stares at his hands, "You're weirded out-"

"Not weirded out-" I folded my hands together, "Just, surprised that someone who looks like you has only had one ex his entire life-"

"You wanna know why I haven't been in a relationship?" Alec looked at me, "'Cause I didn't wanna feel like there was something wrong with me, because I grew up in the Institute, because I didn't want anyone else because no one ever felt right, and  I always knew I couldn't have what I wanted-"

"Well, that's not true-" I crossed my arms and leaned them against the table, "You and I had a thing for a little bit- until, it went off the tracks, but still-"

Alec looked saddened for a second, "Not anymore."

I stare at him, then inhale, "If it makes you feel any better, I'm most likely never going to remember anything about growing up with you guys, so- in my perspective- you were my first everything too."

"Actually, I take it back, you are not my first marriage-" I pointed at him, adding in, "You beat me to that one with Lydia-"

Now Alec was the one gaping at me in surprise, "You're telling me, all that time you spent away from us- you never got it on with anyone?"

"Nope-" I lightly shook my head, "Never had the time- I was always training, working on getting better."

Then my gaze fell into my hands, "Not that I would've anyway- I was always taught that to love is to destroy and to be loved is to be the one destroyed- love just- isn't in the cards for me, not my thing."

Alec looked at me for a few seconds, his gaze making me feel overwhelmed, as he then went silent.

-

"Well, we're back-" I gestured to his bedroom door when we had finally gotten back from the Hunters Moon, the walk home mostly quiet.

Alec opened the door to his bedroom, opening it wider for me to come in, "Yeah, we are-"

I hesitantly stepped in, crossing my arms and looking at him, "I have to ask, how was that? Five stars?"

"Off the charts." Alec looked at me when he came into the room, giving me a soft smile, "Thank you."

I couldn't help but smile back lightly, swallowing hard at the soft expression he held on his face while looking at me.

I clear my throat before I could fall into a trance, turning for the door to leave the room, "Well, I'll see you around-"

"Zee," Alec began, "Wait-"

I stopped in my steps, looking back at him, "Yeah?-"

Alec stares at me as if he hadn't thought this through and was trying to find the right words, "Let me be the rest of your firsts-"

I slowly faced him, "What?"

"Give me a chance, please-" Alec swallowed hard, stammering over his own words, trying to find the best way to put it, "I know we're raised with two completely different views on love, but-"

"When you find someone, you stick with them." Alec put into context, "And- I'm sticking with you- because you're my someone."

I sigh, "Alec-"

"I know you feel what I feel." Alec stepped closer to me, directly in front of me, "I know it."

I ignored how I felt, my voice lowering due to how close he was, "No, I don't- not anymore-"

"Yes you do," Alec gently grabbed my face with one hand, which I couldn't help but slightly lean into, "Just because you pushed me away to protect me, doesn't mean those feelings went away-"

My heart began beating faster, a feeling I only felt when I was with him, "I don't feel for you anymore."

Alec slowly leans his forehead against mine, his hot breath fanning against my face, his voice low, "If only I believed you-"

"You know, usually the roles are switched-" I implied on how he used to be the one denying his feelings for me, feeling myself start to give into him.

"I hear that relationships, they, um- take effort." Alec's innocence broke through the sudden confidence and persuasion he had just pulled, his voice still low, "I'm all for effort- if you are."

I couldn't resist him any longer.

My hands reached up and grabbed his face lightly that was already close enough to mine, the feeling in my body just crying for him to close the distance between our lips, "I'm all for effort-"

And he did, pressing his lips into mine slowly, his arms wrapping around me completely, leaning me back slightly as he kissed me, his hand on my back, supporting me so I didn't fall over.

I pulled him even closer.

I had completely melted into this kiss.

In him.

authors note:

ahhh, the roles were reversed at the end with how zee was denying her feelings for alec, ahhh

but this is kinda a sucky chapter, i am sorryyyy

but , hey i finally updated !!!

thank you so much for 11k.

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