A wide smirk was on my face as I kicked the man that was ten times bigger than me against the fence with all my strength, dropping to my feet from holding the fence above us.

I was on Valentine's ship, where all the prisoners were. There was a ring built within the ship, where I would fight Circle Members one on one or group by group, bettering my fighting skills.

It was like my own personal fighting club.

Jace stood behind the fence, watching me fight, shoved between many Circle Members that surrounded the ring.

I was dressed in black sweatpants and a white tank top, that was tied up in a knot half away, black combat boots on my feet, my hands wrapped.

When he got back up, I launched myself toward him, grunting loudly as my fist came contact with his face, spinning kicking him back against the fence aggressively.

He threw himself at me, throwing punches, ones that I blocked, kicking him, fighting him off.

But, when I kicked for his face again, he grabbed a hold of my ankle and threw me to the ground, hitting me a few times, small grunts and shrieks of pain leaving my lips with every hit he landed on me.

He threw my against the fences, my head pounding in pain now, a bruise around my eye and at my cheek, as my mouth was bleeding.

I spit blood out of mouth and forced myself back up, going to punch him but he's quick, grabbing me by my waist and flipping me upside down.

My legs wrap around his neck, completely turning myself in his hold and landing on my feet while still having a tight hold on him, throwing him to the ground.

He suddenly moves and charges for me, crouching, grabbing me by my thighs and putting me on his shoulders, as I threw myself back and brought him down with me, tightening my legs around his neck.

He got up, standing up straight as if this would stop me, but I quickly grabbed the fence above us, only tightening my grip on his neck.

A smirk fell back onto my lips as he struggled in my grip, knowing I had won, as his body goes limp, my grip loosening, letting him go.

He fell to the ground, dead, red from the suffocation, as I let go and landed on my feet, looking around as every man that stood around the ring chanted my name.

I was undefeated.

But, from the corner of my eye, I could see the unsettling look on Jace's expression.

-

I sat alone, holding a drink in my hand after the fight, not having healed my wounds yet.

I stared ahead of me, exhaling.

My head turned when someone sat next to me, seeing Jace, who was eyeing my appearance, "Why haven't you healed yet?"

"Well- let's see, I don't have my stele." I began, sipping the burning alcohol, "And I don't want to talk to my father."

"You could've easily asked one of those members to heal you-" Jace recalled what I've done many times since we've arrived here, "What're you thinking about?"

"Nothing." I looked away.

Jace already knew what had been on my mind, looking down at his hands, "I miss them too."

I barely glanced at him, shaking my head lightly, "I don't know what you're talking about-"

"You're hoping the pain you get in there will overpower the pain here-" Jace points from the fight club ring to my heart, then folds his hands, "You're trying to melt back into everything here."

"Yeah, because I'm where I'm supposed to be and there's no going back." I sipped some more of my drink, staring at the glass in my hand, "I'm home."

Well, we're the heroes- we saved the day, saved a life- cheers to not being failures.

I could practically see Alec's face scrunching in disgust because of the drink, trying to get the taste out of his mouth.

"You're not home." Jace argues with me, looking at me in denial, "This isn't home-"

I got up, "Jace, we're never getting out of here."

Jace went silent, looking at me.

"I'm never going to see them again." My voice went dangerously low, "We're never going to see them ever again- and I've accepted that."

Jace exhales, "You can't lose hope-"

"There's no use on having any." I snipped at him and finished the rest of him drink, setting down the glass, turning, walking away, "You have to adapt."

-

I looked out at the water, a hard look on my face.

I was lost in my thoughts.

It wasn't as horrible here as it was now.

The amount of dead bodies that just laid on the ship sickened me, along with the countless Downworlders trapped on the lower level.

This is where I belonged.

With all the death, wrongfulness and brutality.

It was where I originated from, how I grew up.

I was raised by Valentine Morgenstern most of my life and had forgotten all the years I wasn't with him.

Maybe I was meant to be here.

For a second I let myself think that I was meant to be evil- meant to be with my father, to follow in his and only his command.

Just for a second.

Then, I heard a voice all too familiar behind me, pulling me away from my dark thoughts, "Zee-"

My head snapped back, my eyes widening, "Alec?"

"Alec, oh my god-" I faced him when I realized it was him, my eyes widening, "Alec, what're you- how did you-"

"How- how did you get here?" I stammered, stepping closer and grabbing his arms gently, "How did you know we were here- you can't track over water-"

"I Portaled in." Alec quickly said, sounding rushed, "Come on, let's go, we don't have much time."

I looked around quickly, "No, I can't-"

Alec's eyebrows furrowed, holding my arms as well, "What?"

"No, you have to go before my father sees you." I swallowed, feeling my breathing accelerate, "Alec, he will kill you-"

Alec pulls me lightly closer in a jerk when I tried to pull him again, "No, I'm not leaving without you."

"Are you insane?" I shot back at him, "You have to!"

Suddenly footsteps were running toward us, my head immediately snapping toward it, seeing Jace running toward us, "Zee-"

Behind him was Clary.

"Come on, we have to go-" Clary urged as much as Alec was urging me, "Before Valentine-"

"Hey!" Two Circle members were running towards us, as I quickly charged toward them, Jace at my side.

I grunted, spinning kicking in the air, knocking one in the face, punching him upwards by his chin, grabbing his seraph blade quickly, knocking him out, looking to my side to see Jace had gotten a blade as well.

"My dear children." Valentine was suddenly appeared, two members backing him, "All together again."

I held my blade tenaciously, guarding Alec and Clary, Jace next to me, "Stay back!-"

Valentine smirked at me, holding his seraph blade ready, "Come on."

I exhale deeply, my sword clanging with his as he swung his at me, sending a vibration through my body.

I grit my teeth, our swords hitting together furiously, the sounds echoing through the cold night.

Valentine swings for my head as I quickly ducked, his sword landing against the light.

I moved quickly without thinking when he turned toward me, my hand firm on his sword as I pierced my blade into him, a choking sound leaving his lips.

When what I had just done ran through my mind, I pulled my seraph blade out and stepped back, "I-"

Valentine fell to the ground; dead.

Small tears formed in my eyes, "I- I killed him."

I had killed my own father.

I didn't think I'd be able to do it.

Something snapped in me.

Maybe it was the anger.

The hatred.

The darkness.

"Come on." Alec grabbed my arm, "Let's go."

My eyes were wide, not knowing what to do or how to function, Alec pulling me along as Clary shouted, pulling Jace, "We have to go, now!"

A masculine voice filled our ears from behind us, "Get 'em!"

We ran to the lower level where Clary and Alec lead us, when I felt myself behind brutally shoved into the railing, my father's familiar voice filling my ears, "Miss me?"

I was speechless, "I just killed you-"

Valentine used my shock to his advantage, swinging his arm back, ready to kill me.

Jace was by me suddenly, his sword clanging against Valentine's, stopping him, "Don't come near her."

Jace shoves him back, the two of them grunting and hitting their swords together as I rushed to guard Clary and Alec.

Something was off.

Really off.

Jace grunts loudly and kills Valentine, falling off the higher platform with him, landing on the lower level.

"Jace!" I ran to the railing, leaping off and landing on the ground, facing him to see him slowly standing up, pulling out his blade from Valentine.

When Alec and Clary reached us, Jace was looking around, breathing heavily, "Where's the Portal?"

Then, when we looked back at Alec and Clary, Jace's expression dropped along with my heart.

There stood Valentine and one of the Circle members, as they had shapeshifted into them.

"Your skills may be unparalleled-" Valentine inched closer as Jace and I were suddenly unarmed and being grabbed, "But- your loyalty is sorely lacking."

Valentine inched closer to us and injected something in both of our necks as everything started to go black, "String them up."

-

A small scream left my lips, coughing up blood as the Downworlder's large fist came in contact with my ribs for what felt like the hundredth time due to the intense aching.

Jace was grunting next to me as well, another Downworlder that was twice our size torturing him out of force.

We were both hung from separate chains but next to each other, freezing cold water being splashed on us with every few hits, making it even more painful.

I growled through the teeth after another punch was landed on my face, my entire body numb.

Valentine inched closer to us, walking over to me.

He came behind me, pulling out his stele and searing a rune on my cold skin, the burning feeling like nothing.

I only realized what the rune was when he activated it, my eyes widening and shutting when I felt an intense rush through my body, a memory flashing before my eyes.

My most painful one.

He had drawn the agony rune on me.

I was reliving living everyone at Camille's apartment and choosing to come here, Alec's broken expression burned into my mind.

I let out a scream, squeezing my eyes, scrunching up as I watched Isabelle tell me that she couldn't lose me again.

My father's words running through my mind like they did in that moment, that I would never get my memories back of them.

That I would never be who I used to be.

The pain was unbearable.

I began to tremble as I felt more hits at my body, everything being too much for me to handle.

"Zee-" Jace's voice was filled with concerned until he was cut off, grunting when he got hit in the face, a small scream leaving his lips as well when water hit him, increasing the pain.

"Enough!" Valentine announced and deactivated my rune, coming around and looking between Jace and I, activating our Iratze's, "Get dressed, we have a lot to talk about."

-

My hair was still damp from the water they were drenching us in moments before, a hard look on my face, my skin cold to the touch.

I had changed into a navy blue tank top, that was tucked into a pair of army green ripped jeans, a black zip up sweatshirt that was unzipped, and black combat boots.

I was shoved into the kitchen of the ship with Jace when we had both changed, the first sight being Valentine standing over stove, stirring spaghetti sauce.

Valentine tastes some of the sauce, humming, looking at Jace and I with a smile, "Needs pecorino, hm?"

When Jace and I don't reply, Valentine looks at me, "Remember when you were younger- just a little girl- and we would sit out in the woods during the afternoon in Idris- and you would just shove- spoonfuls of this spaghetti in your mouth because of how much you loved it?"

I did remember.

The memory made my heart warm.

It was one of my cherished memories with him.

It was one of the few memories I had with him that I actually believed that he was a good father to me.

In those moments, I forgave him for all the hurt he inflicted and caused me to feel while raising me.

But, the anger I felt towards him overpowered whatever sympathy I had.

"No, I don't." I lied straight through my teeth, "Maybe- you should just throw that with all of the other memories you've taken from me."

Valentine sighs deeply at me, then looked at Jace, "Do you remember your fifth birthday?"

"And I made you spaghetti?" Valentine asked, trying to bond with him as well, "Your absolute favorite."

Jace had a sad looking puppy dog look on his face, "Michael Wayland used to make me spaghetti."

I notice the look on Jace's face, exhaling through my nose and raising my hand up, placing it on his shoulder lightly as a comforting gesture.

I then looked at Valentine, "Is that the only dish you know how to make?"

Valentine ignored my comment, turning back to the simmering sauce, as I looked at Jace, my eyes darting towards the knives next to me.

Valentine stirs the sauce again, "Just try some."

I looked around, my eyes landing on the oregano.

I stepped closer, dropping my hand from Jace's shoulder, making it so he was in perfect angle for the knives.

I grabbed the oregano and tipped the entire bottle, letting it all slip into the sauce, ruining it, giving him a fake smile, "You really think we want to have a meal with you?"

Jace grabs the knife and swung it over my head, toward Valentine, but he was quickly, dodging it, the knife landing in the wall.

"Didn't I teach you not to play with knives?" Valentine look at Jace, then at me, "Didn't I teach not to waste good food?"

"Bland." I corrected him, "Tasteless."

"I know you're angry." Valentine considered, facing us, "Look, I know you're both filled with questions, so- go ahead- don't be shy."

I was first, "Why did you take my memories?"

"To make you mine, and only mine." Valentine looked down at me, "With me you are strong, with your mother, you are weak."

"How does being with my mother make me weak?" My voice cracked in anger when I raised my voice, "You took everything from me."

"I did it to protect you." Valentine's words pressed into my mind, "To keep you safe."

"Protect me?" I repeated in dismay, "You did it to keep me devoted to you!"

"With the time you spent there, they softened you up." Valentine reminded me, "I hadn't seen you shed a tear in three years before that."

This made me go dead silent.

I wasn't a machine.

I was human.

I had emotions.

But, he was convincing me otherwise.

One could only take so much.

Valentine looked at an angry Jace, "Is your sister the only one that has questions?"

Jace swallowed, "Why did you fake your death and pretend to be Michael Wayland?"

"To protect you from my enemies." replied Valentine, "As Michael Wayland, I knew you'd be safe."

"Safe?" Jace repeated with a deep scoff, "You made me an orphan- I spent my entire life mourning a father I thought died in front of my eyes."

Valentine paid no mind to his words, only to what was accomplished from it, "Well, it made you stronger, didn't it?"

"No, the Lightwoods made me strong." Jace snipped back at him, "They took me in, they trained me, if anyone's my parents, they are."

"I had no choice, Jonathan." Valentine was honest, "My enemies were closing in- I sent you and your sister to a place where I knew you would be cared for."

If only I had those memories.

I scoff, glaring at him, "Father of the year."

"Look, I may have been hard on you both, but-" Valentine exhales deeply, "It's because I love you."

"I spent enough time with my mother to realize what you demonstrated wasn't love." I gritted my teeth, "Clearly, you never understood it."

"I never understood love?" Valentine turned to me, "I loved your mother with all my heart- it broke me when she turned against me."

I place my hand on my hip, "Well, when your husband turns into a maniacal, barbarous, murderous lunatic, I'd ditch him too."

"I loved you both very much." Valentine stepped closer to Jace and I, "And only because I loved you was why I did what I had to do to make sure you were both strong."

"All you've ever done is lie." Jace shook his head, his voice shaking as he pointed at our father, "You told me I never had a mother."

"What did you want me to say?" Valentine shot back, "That I saved you and that your mother deserted you both?"

Jace froze at his words and glanced at me.

Valentine cures his confusion, looking between us, "She left you both to die in Idris."

I shook my head once, "No- she didn't."

"Yes, she did." Valentine stepped closer to me, and it was like he was slapping the truth right into my face, "I saved your life because she left you."

I no longer wanted to believe this lie he had told me for years, "She couldn't have done that."

After meeting her, she would never seem like the woman to actually leave her children behind.

"Stop being so delusional, Zee." Valentine scoffed at my stupidity, "Your mother never truly cared for you, nor did she love you two the way I do."

Jace stares at Valentine, "Why would she do that?"

"Because you're both- so different." Valentine told us, "You're special."

"Look, I know that you two have always felt more powerful than everyone else around you." Valentine inhales sharply, pulling out his stele and running it over his Memory rune, "That's because you are."

Then, he grabs our arms, gasps leaving both our lips as two memories came before us.

Of the same thing, but different injections.

"You experimented on us?" Jace breathes heavily when the memories were over.

"I made you stronger, faster-" Valentine looked between us, "More lethal than any other Shadowhunter."

I stepped closer, breathing heavily myself, "Why?"

"To create the perfect weapons- the ideal marriage of good and evil." Valentine recognized, his words killing me inside.

He was torturing me with that thought.

"A Shadowhunter with pure demon blood." Valentine looked from Jace to me, "And one with pure angel blood."

-

"Impressive, aren't they?" asked Valentine as we stood on the higher platform of his ship, watching his on growing army train.

The sunlight hit my tan skin, making my dark hair look lighter, not warming my skin from the cool breeze.

I stood next to Jace, him and I looking away from the army when Valentine joined us.

Valentine looked between us both, "But- they still don't have the inherent gifts that you two have."

I scoff deeply, "What kind of a father experiments on his children with pure angel and demon blood?"

"A father with perspective." Valentine shot back at me, "I made you more powerful than any Shadowhunter."

"Your pure angel blood has it's purpose, just like your brother's demon blood." Valentine looked out at the water, "You refuse to understand that we both want the same thing- to save this world from demons."

Jace looked at him, "The Clave fights demons."

"The Clave has grown soft-" Valentine inhales, "Protecting Downworlders with the Accords."

"All Downworlders, one day, will give in to their violent tendencies- it's unavoidable." Valentine told us, "Even a single drop of demon blood running in your veins, makes you a threat to humanity."

"I- I know plenty of Downworlders who play by the rules." Jace shook his head, "They control their urges."

No matter how hard Jace and I tried, Valentine's words were poisoning our minds slowly.

"You're thinking of Lucian Graymark, warlocks like Magnus Bane, and even Clarissa's little vampire friend Simon?" Valentine thought out loud, "No matter how good they try to be, Downworlders cannot control their demonic blood forever."

"You know what- if that blood is so evil, why did you put it in him?" I pointed to Jace, "Why do you experiment with it?"

Valentine smirked and turned, walking down the steps, "To fight fire with fire."

Jace and I slowly follow him, stopping where he stopped, looking out at the water.

Neither of us could watch this any longer.

Valentine noticed the looks on our faces, "I wouldn't jump if I were you."

"Why?" Jace looked at him, "Because we're your ultimate weapons?"

Valentine grabbed a man that began walking by and shoved him over the railing, holding him by his collar as the man began to shout loudly, the side of his face being completely melted off by the time Valentine pulled back and threw him to the ground.

"This warlock is infamous for crimes against mundanes." Valentine dusted his hands off.

Then, he gestured for us to follow him, "There's something else I want you both to see."

-

"Oh-" I said the minute we came out the portal, "We're stopping for a slice?"

"Reggie served the best pie in all of Brooklyn." Valentine said, staring at the closed up shop.

"Note the past tense." Valentine mentioned, "When Reggie's wife, Maria, turned into a vampire, she slaughtered Reggie and created a den inside."

Jace looks at him, inhaling sharply, "What does this have to do with us?"

"You really think love will keep you from hurting your family and friends?" Valentine scoffs deeply when he looked between Jace and I, "No matter how hard you fight it, demon blood will make you kill."

I stare at my father in dismay, "That's a terrible lesson to teach."

"I want your sister to understand once more that love isn't in the cards for her." Valentine inhaled and looked at me, "For neither of you."

Those words hurt, "Don't say that-"

"You really thought whatever you had with Alec would've lasted?" Valentine looked at me in amusement, "Love makes you weak, it prevents you from being at your highest game- it distracts you from saving humanity."

This made me go dead quiet.

Because he was getting to me.

I could feel it.

"It doesn't matter what blood you have, or where you come from- or how you're raised- love will always destroy." Valentine's words engraved themselves into my mind, "That's just how it is."

Then, there was a loud scream that came from inside Reggie's pizza shop.

Jace and I made a run for it, but Valentine grabs my arm, stopping me from following him, "No."

"What're you doing-" I looked at him as Jace ran inside, "He can't be in there alone-"

"You're staying here." Valentine lets go of my arm, expecting me to listen, "He can handle himself."

And I did.

I obeyed him.

Valentine kept a hold on my arm just in case I decided to pull something on him.

Then, I felt something.

I felt Isabelle.

Our connection.

My free hand touched my parabatai rune, closing my eyes for a moment.

"You're done!" Jace's voice pulled me away from my thoughts, when he was back outside and across from Valentine and I, a stake pointed at Maria, "You're done."

I pulled my arm from Valentine's hold, pulling out my seraph blade when Maria hissed toward us.

Maria smirked and faces Jace, "You can't kill me."

"Watch me." Jace took a step closer to her.

"I surrender to the authority of the Clave." Maria cut his movements off, her hands up, giggling, "Aw, look at you- you got your stick all ready to go and now you can't use it."

"No, you broke the Accords." argued Jace, shaking his head, "You killed innocent mundanes, and now, you're gonna die just like your friends."

"But- unlike them, I'm no longer a threat." Maria taunted Jace, "I know my rights."

I scoffed, putting my seraph blade away, rolling my eyes, "Your rights?"

"Yeah, my rights." Maria snipped, glancing back at me, then looking at Jace, "I might have broken the Accords, but- I know you won't."

Jace stuttered, "You don't know anything about me."

"I know you're weak." Maria sniffed, "I can smell it- and you'll do whatever the Clave tells you to do."

"Now, get off of me." Maria shoves him off.

"Jonathan." Valentine presses, "Are you going to let her mock you after what she did?"

I looked at my father, my voice quiet as my words slipped through my teeth, "What the hell are you doing?"

"This thing in front of you-" Valentine ignored me. "She was once Reggie the pizza guy's sweet and loving wife."

"You leave my husband out of this!" Maria raised her voice at us when Jace rounded her, pointing his stake toward her, standing in front of Valentine and I.

"You mean the man you murdered?" Jace taunted her right back, slightly shocking me, "You mean the man you devoured? That's what you mean."

Maria shrieks and hisses, changing toward Jace, but his stake cane in the way, killing her.

Jace stood there; shocked.

As was I, my voice lowering, "Jace-"

Valentine was proud, "Ah, that's my boy."

Then, there was a click filling the air.

When our heads turned, a woman stood a few feet away from us, holding a cross bow, two arrows inching closer to Jace and I.

The woman was all too familiar.

The woman I had only seen once, but knew who was.

Jocelyn Fray.

Valentine guarded Jace and I, taking both arrows, as they landed in his shoulders, a gasp leaving his lips as he fell into me, "Dad!"

Jace looked up, staring at who was our step mother, trying to kill us both.

Clary's distant scream filled the air, "No!"

"Zee, Jonathan- run!" Valentine grunted as I held him up, "They want you dead."

Clary ran towards her mother, "Mom, stop!"

I looked at Jace, who had an arm wrapped around me within seconds, covering me as I held Valentine, as we both ran quickly back into the portal before the next arrow could hit us.

authors note:

merry christmas !

this is by far one of my favorite chapters

i loved this chapter so fucking much

arrow gave inspiration for some scenes

if y'all didn't get what valentine meant :

jace is a shadowhunter, and has demon blood so he's already the mix of good and evil obvi

with zee, she has pure angel blood and it makes her pure good, but being raised by valentine, with all of his beliefs and teachings made her the mix of good and evil.

god, zee and jace going through this together, making their relationship stronger, omg goals

and when valentine pretended to be alec? zee went soft so quick, alec literally pulled her from falling into the dark side.

AND ZEE'S WORST MEMORY BEING LEAVING ALEC AND THE OTHERS? OH MY LORD

someone get me a tissue-

vote and comment loadsss