I start to second guess myself as I enter Lucy's apartment. What am I doing? This isn't me, I'm not good enough for her.  She deserves much better. I'm just a screw up and it's only a matter of time before I wreck her world. She's already been through enough.

The buzz of the doorbell interrupts my thoughts. Looking through the peephole I notice it's Paul and he looks distraught.

I open the door and Paul pushes past me. He's crying and he's pacing. I walk over and hug my big brother tight and he weeps into my shoulder. Concern sinks deep into my heart and I start to panic in silence and pull him away.

"What's wrong Paul? Is it Lucy?" I ask still gripping his shoulders.

"No." He chokes out.

"What is it Paul? What's wrong?"

"Chris..." He sobs again.

"What about Chris? Come on Paul just tell me!"

"After I was dropped off I went into the apartment and found Chris in my bed with someone else."

"WHAT?!?!?! I'm going to kill that asshole!" I shout.

"No Zane, it's over. I kicked him out. He packed and left. He didn't even fight for me. He's gone." He tried to say as calm as possible but the tears came again.

This is breaking my heart. Never in a million years do I want to see my brother hurting so much. I wasn't there for him when his previous boyfriend died from cancer because I was so wrapped up in myself and the drugs and partying that nothing else mattered. To see him crumbling in front of me I can't help but imagine how much worse he was when Eddie died. I feel like a total shit head!

"I'm here Paul." I wrap my arms around him and hug him tight until I feel his body stop trembling.

"How stupid am I?! How could I just let him barge into my life and wreck havoc on me?"

"Paul don't beat yourself up. You were alone for so long and you let the moment take you. You deserved to have someone and to have them pay attention to you. Unfortunately he wasn't worthy of you."

"That Zane is why I stayed from all men. It's better to be alone to deal with that shit."

"Paul no don't think that. It's all going to be ok." I hug him again. "Do you want me to find him and beat the shit out of him?" I say joking around trying to get him to smile a little bit.

Paul let's out a small smile and nudges me. "It's nice having you around."

"I'm glad to be here."

"You know I warned Lucy not to get involved with you. I didn't want her too, I didn't want you to break her heart."

"Wow glad you think so highly of me Paul." I say with hurt.

"No Zane, she's changed you. I like who you are with her. Do you think that if this would have happened to me before you came back that you would be comforting me like this?"

"No, honestly I wouldn't have."

"Exactly. She's brought my little brother back to me and I couldn't be happier."

"Paul. I messed up, I made a mess of my life and now I want to be a better person. I'm still terrified that I'll hurt Lucy. Look what I did when she practically died."

"You had a moment of weakness. She needs you as much as you need her and you two will grow together. As long as you don't give into temptation again you will be fine. Be true to yourself."

"Can I be honest with you Paul?"

"Sure?"

"On the way here I started to second guess myself. I was going to run again. I was going to come here get my stuff and leave Lizzie's keys on the counter, with that note over there saying I'm sorry. I was heading toward the dressers to start pulling my stuff out and back it up. Then you showed up."

Paul looks at me with a million questions in his eyes. No doubt he's taking a moment to think about it and choosing his words carefully. I see anger flash across his face and then he takes a deep breath.

"Why would you do this now?" He suddenly asks.

"Paul even you agreed that Lucy deserves better, and I'm not a good person. I'm trying to straighten out and I'm trying to be a better person but who am I kidding?" I say standing up and walking off.

"Zane you are going to leave her now? Especially when she needs you the most?"

"She has you, Rick, Rita, Lizzie and Jamie. She don't need me. I'm nothing."

The anger comes back across his face again and I brace myself for what's next. I can only imagine what he's going say. Suddenly there's a blow to my right eye!

"What the fuck Paul?"

"You selfish, arrogant fucking bastard! That girl is laying in the fucking hospital right now! Her head has been cut open, a tumor removed and then repair from a brain bleed and you want to cry poor me, I'm a fuck up, I'm nothing, she deserves better. She practically died for fucks sake! Wake the fuck up Zane!"

I stare at him stunned. Growing up we never fought like this, never had fist fights, never shouted at each other and this legitimately makes me want to cry and I do start to tear up because he's right.

Paul starts laughing hysterically. "Oh my gosh you actually have feelings? You? Zane? You cry?"

"Fuck off Paul! Why are you being so fucking harsh?"

"Because you are just going to fuck up the best thing that could ever happen to you! I knew you'd break her heart!"

That stung a lot. "You're right! I'm a coward! I don't know how to do this shit! Do you think I like this? Do you think I really want to break her heart?"

"Do you not want to be with her, do you not like her?"

"That's not it Paul. I'm fucking in love with her!" I stand shocked at my realization of saying it out loud. I know Lizzie and I had this conversation already but this is the first time saying it and admitting it. "I don't know how to be in love." I shake my head sitting on the couch, with my elbows on my knees and my head in my hands. "I'm scared shitless!"

Paul stares at me wide eyed. "Oh baby brother, what's there to be scared of? Just got with it, don't run from it."

"Yeah I guess you are right, but you know me. This isn't who I am."

"No Zane this is the new you. This is the new and improved you. I like this you."

"I'm not messing it up?" I ask.

"What's there to mess up? You are learning, learning to be a decent human being. I'm finally getting my brother back."

"It's good to be here with you. Sorry I got lost."

"It's alright. But please don't run away. I need you here as much as Lucy does."

"I know. I need to stop thinking about myself and worry about those who matter around me. Chris will hear it from me if I ever see his face."

"No little brother, let's just move on."

Paul gives me a quick hug and offers to get Lucy's clothes while I jump in the shower. While I was in the shower I hear my phone ring and Paul comes into the bathroom stating that there is a Ginger calling.

"Oh fuck what does shit want?"

Paul answers it.

Hello.

Um no, he's in the shower.

I look out of the shower curtain and tell him to put it on speakerphone and so he does.

What do you want Ginger?

Wow that's what you say to me after months of not talking to me.

Yes Ginger. I think I made it pretty clear I want nothing to do with you.

Don't be like like that Zane. I need a favor.

What makes you think I would do anything for you?

You know not too long ago when I was carrying your kid before I miscarried and after I miscarried you were all what can I do for you.

I told you not to talk about that ever again!

Alright mr sensitive Zane, I need a place to crash for a while.

Sorry can't help you there.

And why not?

I live with my girlfriend and even if I had my own place I would never let you stay with me.

Girlfriend? Wow how many girls you banging behind her back?

Not like that Ginger.

Come on I'll get you the good hook up.

I don't do that anymore. I've been clean for months. Now if that's all you called for, I'm done and have nothing else to say to you.

I tell Paul to hang up the phone and take a deep breath preparing for the questions that are about to come.

"You were going to have a baby?" Paul blurts out.

"She says she was pregnant and miscarried before I could go to her so called appointments with her. She told me when she had an appointment one day and I didn't tell her I was taking off and suddenly she was miscarrying."

"That's messed up Zane."

"She's crazy. She was just trying to trap me. After that I was done. I went on a binge and then rehab."

"Now you're here and past that all."

"Yeah. Can you do me a favor and never mention this to Lucy? Any of this please."

"I won't say a word Zane. Lucy nor you need this right now."

"Im glad she doesn't know where I'm at." I say finishing my shower and the turn the water off. Paul hands me my towel I dry off and go out to get my clothes. "Were you able to find Lucy's clothes?"

"Yep I put them in her overnight bag. Hopefully she gets to come home soon."

"She said she was probably going too in a day or two and I hope so because I miss the hell out of her."

"Lizzie and Jamie had mentioned that they were getting an apartment here." Paul says.

"Yeah so I hear. Oh and Jamie was talking to that one nurse at the hospital." I tell Paul.

"No way? Serena?"

"Yep. She gave her number to Lucy and I to give Jamie and Jamie took the number and went out to talk to her at the desk. When I left it looked like they were hitting it off."

"Well I'm shocked to hear that. Didn't know she liked girls. She was too quiet to tell."

"Yeah well I'm surprised too but it's a good thing."

I head into the bathroom and get dressed and fix my hair. When I come out of the bathroom, Paul is sitting at the island drinking some coffee. He looks worn, like he's lost.  He looks up and gives me an attempt at a smile. Standing up he grabs a cup from the cabinet and pours me a cup of coffee and slides it to me along with the cream and sugar.

"Thanks." I say.

"No problem. After we drink this coffee we can head back to the hospital."

"Sounds good to me."

We finish our coffee and clean up. Paul grabs Lucy's bag and we walk out the door.

"I don't think you need this anymore." Paul says handing me my sorry note. I take it out of his hand and rip it up and toss it in to the garbage can sitting at the curb. I smile at Paul as a thanks and we get into Lizzie's car and head back to the hospital.